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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

In Sabrina We Trust

Written By - Torian Hughes
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Blind Faith - Deborah Zoe
The Judge - Victor Raider-Wexler
Ken - Sean Smith
Louisa - Annie O’Donnell
Abe Lincoln - Gary Bullock
Woman - Rachel Reenstra
Elderly Man - Paul Kimmel

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina takes a large carton of orange juice from the refrigerator, opens it up and guzzles from it. The picture on the wall watches her.

Louisa- Just so you know, Morgan, Roxie and the cat drank out of that carton.

Sabrina spits her mouthful of orange back into the carton.

Sabrina- Yuch! Well that explains the lipstick, the crumbs and the fur. So, Louisa, what’s going on? I mean, I haven’t heard from you since the one set frame sale.

Louisa- The fall works both ways. Anywho, I wanted to warn you that since so little magic has been used around here lately, the house is about to undergo a magical systems check.

Sabrina- What? I can’t have magic shooting off willy-nilly! Mortals live here now and they don’t know I’m a witch.

Louisa- Oh, that’s going to be tricky. Lots of luck to you.

Sabrina- No wait, you can’t go. I need to know...

She’s interrupted by Roxie entering.

Roxie- Who are you talking to?

Sabrina- Er... to you... obviously. Morning.

Roxie- Friendly but unconvincing. I know I heard voices.

Sabrina- Voices? Roxie, really, the things you come up with.

The toaster pings and two letters pop up from the Other Realm.

Roxie- What in the heck is that?

Sabrina- I’m... sterilizing the mail. I mean, y’know, you never know where the mailman’s hands have been. Juice?

Roxie takes the carton that Sabrina spat into with a smile.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina stands waiting with Salem lying on the back of the chair beside her.

Sabrina- What is taking them so long? (Calling upstairs) Roxie, Morgan, come on! (To Salem) I’ve got to keep them out of the house until this whole magical system check is over.

Salem- You can’t keep them at the diner forever. What’s your plan if something happens while Laverne and Shirley are actually in the house?

Sabrina- Let’s just say I’ll be making good use of the phrase ‘It must have been the cat’

Salem- Ghe?

Sabrina- (Calling upstairs) Ladies! While I’m still young! I wanna get to the diner before the soup hardens.

Morgan leads Roxie downstairs still doing her makeup.

Morgan- What’s your hurry. I’ve only got one eye lined!

Roxie- Yeah, we just had breakfast two hours ago and I think the juice might have gone bad.

Sabrina- Oh well, er, nothing soothes the stomach like chili and cheese fries.

She glances up and notices the hands on the wall clock above the mirror, where Morgan is putting the finishing touches to her face, are spinning around.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, let’s get a move on.

She bullies them towards the door.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Yep, let’s go or the day’ll be over before we even get out the door.

She isn’t kidding with the speed the clock is spinning round.

Int. Eve’s Diner. Sabrina, Morgan and Roxie share a cubicle. Sabrina tries to keep them entertained.

Sabrina- ...So then she says. ‘I left my harp Sam Clams Disco’ Get it?

Morgan- Got it and I’m gone.

Sabrina- Wait, I got a million of ‘em.

Roxie- And we’ve heard every one.

Morgan- See ya.

Sabrina- Wait-wait Where ya goin’? You’re er, going shopping, right?

Morgan- No, home.

Sabrina- Er well that’s cool. Y’know, I just assumed, y’know, with the stores open, having big sales and you in last season’s jeans, maybe...

Morgan- (Interrupting) I’ll be at the mall. Don’t wait up.

She leaves.

Roxie- Well, now that Morgan’s gone over the wall, I’m taking off, too. I’ve got an appointment and I wanna stop at the house first.

Sabrina- House! Wait, when did you two become such homebodies? Okay, so this appointment, um, it sounds pretty mysterious?

Roxie- It’s no big deal.

Sabrina- Well it is to me. Sit. Tell. Order something. You’re not leaving here until you tell me all about it?

Roxie- Sabrina, it’s kind of personal.

Sabrina- So personal you can’t tell your best friend?

Roxie- Okay, but it’s a little embarrassing. You’ve gotta promise not to tell anyone.

Sabrina- (Raising her hand) Promise.

Roxie- I’m seeing a doctor.

Sabrina- <Gasp!> That’s great! Congratulations.

Roxie- No, I’m not dating him. I’m seeing a doctor about possibly having a tattoo removed.

Sabrina- Wow! I didn’t know you had a tattoo.

Roxie- That’s the secret part. I got it when I was in high school and I’ve regretted it ever since. I just want it gone.

Sabrina- Er, does it have some long, seedy story behind it?

Roxie- I wish. It says... This is just between us, right? (On Sabrina nod) You know when you’re young and you get obsessed with a band?

Sabrina- Oh totally. I had wall full of ‘Nine Inch Nails’ posters. Which, ironically, I put up with thumb tacks. So what band left a "permanent" impression on you?

Roxie- Hanson. My tattoo says ‘I heart Hanson’

Sabrina- I’m guessing you lost a bet?

Roxie- If only that were true. (Checking the clock) Great, now I’m late. I’m not going to have a chance to go home.

Sabrina- Excellent... decision to have that tattoo removed. Yeah. So, when you’re at the doctors um, take your time. Get to know him. You know, maybe you’ll get that date after all.

Roxie leaves.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina comes in with a squeegee and bucket.

Sabrina- Okay, I’ve successfully capped the geyser of Sparkle Farkle and managed to put out the fire in the number six cauldron. How are things going up here?

Salem- All clear. The armchair started to talk but I threatened to shred his dust ruffle.

Sabrina- Good cat. So, how are our girls?

Salem- Back! But not to worry. They’re in the kitchen, still none the wiser.

Sabrina- Perfect.

Thunder rumbles and lightning flashes from upstairs.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Not so perfect!

Int. Upstairs landing. Sabrina runs upstairs and to the linen closet that is still flashing and thundering loudly.

Sabrina- Urgh Stop!

She rattles the door handle.

Sabrina- (Cont.) No. Open!

The door finally opens.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh good. Oh no. Stop! Stop! Close! Close!

She now struggles to close the door.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Close!

She leans on the door holding it almost closed and she hears a voice behind her.

Morgan- Sabrina, we have a problem

Sabrina- Oh the cat did it. He’s crazy. I’m thinking of having him put down.

Morgan- Not Salem. Roxie.

Sabrina- (Still struggling with the door.) Fine, then we’ll have her put down, too.

Morgan- That’s the problem. I think something is seriously wrong with her. I just overheard her on the phone to a doctor. She’s scheduling an appointment to have something removed. I think that she may be dying... or worse.

Sabrina has turned round and is now leaning with her back against the still open door and her knees bent as she tries to push it shut.

Sabrina- Morgan, I’m really kinda busy right now.

Morgan- I know and you’re doing that all wrong.

She comes and joins Sabrina, putting her back against the door too.

Morgan- (Cont.) This exercise is meant for toning the thighs and the gluts.

The door cannot resist both girls pressure and reluctantly closes.

Sabrina- You know, I’m sure if there was anything wrong, Roxie would have let us know.

Morgan- No. I asked her about it and all she said was something about a... M-Y-O-B?

Sabrina- Mind Your Own Business.

Morgan- Great! Now you’re shutting me out, too. You know, I am just worried about her!

Sabrina- Look, Morgan, you have to trust me. She’s going to be okay. I mean, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just a simple procedure.

Morgan- Procedure? Oh, poor Roxie. I wish I’d been nicer to her. What does she have, like, six months?

Sabrina- No-no-no, it’s going to be fine, really.

The door chooses now to try to open again and distracts Sabrina.

Sabrina- (Cont.) It’s just she’s having a tattoo removed.

As soon as the words are out of her mouth, she knows she’s made a huge error.

Morgan- Oh is that all? Oh, I am so relieved. <Sigh> I could do this for hours.

Sabrina- Really? Great. Knock yourself out.

She gets up away from the linen closet door leaving Morgan to her exercises.

Sabrina- Hey, And don’t er, repeat what I told you about Roxie. She’s really kinda sensitive about it.

Morgan- I promise. You don’t have to worry about me.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina is sat at the table sipping an iced tea and doing a crossword when Roxie comes running down the stairs hotly pursued by Morgan. They stop by the table with Sabrina playing piggy-in-the-middle.

Morgan- Come on, just let me see it? Please? Just a peek?

Roxie- Get away from me! (To Sabrina) I can’t believe you told her.

Sabrina- But she promised!

Roxie- So did you!

Sabrina- Well I’m sorry. It wasn’t malicious. Look, I was just trying to put her mind at ease. She thought you were dying.

Morgan- She’s right... and, believe me, I’d wanna die too if I had ‘I heart Hanson’ on my butt.

She cracks up laughing.

Roxie- (To Sabrina) You gave her details?

Sabrina- Now, see, that’s probably where I crossed the line.

Roxie- (Upset) The first time I ask you to promise me something. Thanks a lot, Sabrina. I thought I could trust you.

She leaves.

Sabrina- Thanks a lot, Morgan. I thought I could trust you.

She leaves.

Morgan- (Calling after) I’m not exactly sure why.

Int. Spellman living room. Roxie enters and slumps down on the settee. Sabrina follows.

Sabrina- Roxie, I’m sorry. I never should have told Morgan about your tattoo.

Roxie- I shouldn’t be surprised you couldn’t keep my secrets. The only secrets you’re able to keep are your own.

Sabrina- What are you talking about? I don’t keep secrets from you.

The vacuum cleaner behind the settee starts to rise up into the air behind Roxie. Sabrina comes closer and sits on the arm of the settee.

Roxie- Give me a break.

Sabrina reaches behind Roxie without her noticing and pushes the vacuum cleaner back down.

Roxie- (Cont.) Ever since I’ve known you, I’ve always felt there was something you were hiding from everyone. You’re always covering things up and acting all cagey.

Sabrina continues to struggle with the cleaner.

Sabrina- I can’t believe this. I am so not cagey.

She duck down behind the settee to get both hands on the job.

Roxie- Oh please. You’re always being evasive. Darting out of the room unexplained, and then you come up with weird, lame excuses that couldn’t possibly be true.

She finally turns round to see Sabrina riding on the vacuum cleaner two foot off the ground.

Sabrina- I’m just changing the bag.

Roxie- That’s right up there with sterilizing the mail. The bottom line: I just don’t trust you anymore.

Roxie leaves.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Hey, you try and come up with a decent excuse while you’re wrestling an upright! Darn it!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina sits cross-legged on the bed with Salem for company and indulges in that ages old pastime, thumbing through the magic book.

Salem- Trust is very important, Sabrina. Without it you can’t run the really big cons. Did I ever tell you about the Bible scam I ran in Kansas City back in the twenties?

Sabrina- This is serious! You don’t know how horrible it feels to have your best friend not trust you.

Salem- Boo-hoo! Talk to me when you have to groom yourself with your tongue. (Looking at the book) Oooh! What about that one?

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Elixir of Trust. Whoever serves this tonic will instantly gain the trust of whom ever drinks it.’

It’s accompanied by a picture of Abraham Lincoln doing an ad pose.

Abe Lincoln- I guarantee it.

Sabrina- Gees, is there anyone who’s not doing an endorsement these days?

Abe holds out his bottle of elixir and Sabrina takes it.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Y’know, I don’t know if I should do this.

Salem- Well, with magic going off left and right, I don’t think you have a choice.

Sabrina- (Reading the small print) Oh and ten percent of the profit goes to preserving the union. I’m sold.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina takes a container full of strawberry smoothie off the blender and pours a class as Roxie enters.

Sabrina- Hey Roxie, I made smoothies.

Roxie- That certainly takes the sting out of being betrayed.

Sabrina- Come on. It’s my sweet, nutritious way of apologizing.

Roxie- Don’t waste your breath.

She takes a bottle of juice from the fridge.

Roxie- (Cont.) There’s no way I’m accepting your apology.

She pours her drink into a glass and turns to put the bottle back in the fridge. Sabrina points and does a quick switch-a-roo spell. The cups swap places and Roxie picks up the smoothie and takes a swig.

Roxie- (Cont,) Because you have nothing to apologize for. You’re my best friend in the whole, wide world and I totally trust you. If you say you had a good reason for telling Morgan about my tattoo or slapping around the vacuum, then I believe you.

Sabrina- Wow. I’ve gotta say, Abe really knows his stuff.

Louisa- Hi Sabrina. I just wanted to check...

Sabrina jumps across and puts her hand over the paintings mouth.

Sabrina- Not now!

Roxie- Did that painting just talk?

Sabrina- Yeah, it’s one of those er, y’know, gag pictures. Like the fake flounder that sings? Yeah, you should hear her belt out ‘Do you think I’m sexy’ Ha-ha.

Roxie- That’s cool.

Sabrina- (Surprised) You bought that? I mean, your-your okay with that explanation?

Roxie- Of course. I know you’d never ever lie of keep secrets from me. I just feel bad that I keep so many secrets from you.

Sabrina- Well never ever is a little... You keep securest from me?

Roxie- Come on. I’ll show you.

Int. The Westbridge Beauty Salon. On the twentieth floor of a high rise office block. Sabrina and Roxie sit side by side in comfortable chairs with their feet up being given pedicures, having already enjoyed manicures.

Sabrina- Roxie, this place is so... not you?

Roxie- That’s why I’ve kept it a secret. I know I’m always railing against the beauty myth, but even the most ecco friendly, post feminist vegan girl in the world wants pretty toes.

Sabrina- Hey, that goes for us meat eating, paper wasting girls, too. Thanks for sharing this with me.

Roxie- If I can’t trust you with my secrets, who can I trust?

Sabrina- True, but let’s not get carried away. You know, there are some things better left unsaid.

Roxie- I miss my binky.

Sabrina- (Sticking her fingers in her ears) Argh! Too much information! La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is sat in the counter top and is confronted by a carafe of strawberry smoothie with a little extra bite. He sniffs at it.

Salem- Oh, you silly silly witch. Leaving me with the elixir of trust. If I had thumbs I’d be twirling my whiskers right now and laughing maniacally.

Morgan enters from the back door.

Salem- (Thinking) Perfect.

She makes straight for the fridge, humming to herself.

Morgan- (Looking through the contents) Hmm. I feel like something...

Salem pushes the jar of smoothie towards her with his paw.

Morgan- (Cont.) ...Cool and fruity.

Salem- Meow Meow.

She looks round.

Morgan- Oh, hi kitty. Ooh, maybe a banana.

Salem- <Cough! Cough!>

Morgan- Whatever you’re hacking up, take it outside.

But it’s done the business. She sees the jar.

Morgan- (Cont.) Ooh, smoothies. This should hit the spot.

She takes the jar and gulps down a long draft.

Morgan- (Cont.)(Satisfied) Mmm.

Salem- Hey Red, way to take a hint.

Morgan- How are you talking to me?

Salem- Trust me, all cats talk. Would I lie to you?

Morgan- Oh, of course not. I trust you.

Salem- Enough to do whatever I want?

Morgan- Of course.

Salem- Excellent! Now, twirl my whiskers while I laugh maniacally.

She twirl his whiskers for him.

Salem- (Maniacally) Na-ha-ha-ha! Na-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Int. Westbridge Beauty Salon. Sabrina fallows Roxie back and forth in their slip-ons as Roxie speaks on her cell phone.

Roxie- (On phone) ...Yes, I’m serious! And...

Sabrina- (interrupting) No! Hang up! Hang up!

She takes the phone from her friend.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Look, you can’t just call your boss and quit out of the blue!

Roxie- But you said if I wasn’t being creatively fulfilled then...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) All right Roxie, stop! You can’t keep entrusting me with your secrets and asking me to make life-altering decisions for you.

Roxie- I know. It’s just that have such complete and total faith in you, Sabrina. I know you’d never let any harm come to me.

Sabrina- Well not knowingly, but, you know, you’re really getting carried... No!

She quickly takes the scolding hot coffee pot from Roxie that she was just about to pour over herself.

Sabrina- (Cont.) What are you doing?

Roxie- See? I knew you’d never ever let anything bad happen to me.

She walks off as Sabrina puts the coffee pot back on the table.

Sabrina- Okay. You know what? This is getting a little out o’ hand. We’ve gotta get you home before anything else...

Roxie- (Interrupting) Catch me, Sabrina!

Sabrina turns to see her friend standing on the sill of an open window with a twenty-story drop behind her.

Sabrina- (Horrified) Roxie?!

Roxie lets go of the frame and smiling, drops backwards out of sight. It’s time for some magic and with a point at her feet, Sabrina’s off like Speedy Gonzales.

Int. Fifteenth floor. Sabrina skids to a stop just in time to see Roxie plummet passed the window.

Sabrina- Oh dang!

She’s off again.

Int. Tenth floor. She pulls up again and again Roxie just ahead of her.

Sabrina- Oh, come on!

She turns and becomes just a blur once more.

Int. Fifth floor. This is rapidly becoming a habit and it could prove a fatal one for Roxie.

Sabrina- Urgh! So close!

She sets off again.

Ext. The pavement outside the office block. Sabrina sets the revolving door spinning as she comes through and catches Roxie in her arms.

Roxie- I knew I could trust you.

Sabrina- (Putting her down) Oh, A friends undying devotion and I didn’t even break a nail... and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

There’s the screech of breaks and honking of horns.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Roxie! Get out of the street!

She runs after her friend.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina finally gets Roxie home in one piece... just.

Roxie- That bus came so close to hitting my head, it was almost spiritual.

Sabrina- Yeah. About as life affirming as when you were taunting that pit bull. All right. Sit here and... count the floorboards.

She sits Roxie at the table.

Sabrina- (Cont.) It’s fun. While I go beat the tar out of an ex president... and make sure the house isn’t inflicting itself on Morgan.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina enters to find Morgan cutting Salem’s salmon into bite sized chunks for when he’s finished the prawn cocktail. The collar and tie that Salem is wearing also gives Sabrina a clue that something is amiss.

Sabrina- Er, what’s going on here?

Salem- Dar, nothing you need to furrow your pretty little brow about. Just carry on with whatever you were doing.

Sabrina- Salem, I can’t believe that... you’re talking?! Because it is totally freaking me out!

Morgan- Oh, all cats talk. Salem told me so.

Sabrina- I bet he did. Er, Morgan, don’t you have to use the bathroom?

Morgan- I don’t think so.

Sabrina- Salem?

Salem- (To Morgan) You do.

Morgan- Now that you mention it.

She leaves in a hurry.

Sabrina- Salem, I cannot believe you fed her the thrust elixir? You know, I am this close to turning you over to creepy Jimmy down the street. He has fire crackers and very little supervision.

Salem- Hey! You left the stuff out on the counter. Besides, how is this any different to what you did to Roxie?

Sabrina- Oh it’s totally different! I did it to fix a friendship. You did it to get a free tummy rub. You know, and as soon as I figure out the antidote you can say sayonara to your little geisha with... Wait a minute. Did you say I left it on the counter? Oh man!

She runs for the kitchen.

Salem- (Yelling) Morgan! Chop-chop! These grapes aren’t gonna peel themselves.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Roxie is drinking from the smoothie pitcher when Sabrina comes in and takes it from her.

Sabrina- No. No more. I thought I told you to count the floorboards?

Roxie- Did it. One hundred and eleven.

Sabrina- Yes, but how many of them have knots?

Roxie- One - Two - Three...

While Roxie moves around counting Sabrina looks for a way to get rid of the smoothie that’s left. She reads the small print on the bottle of trust elixir.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Do not pour down drain. May cause severe damage to septic tank.’ Y’know, it’s always a little scary when it’s bad for the sewage system. Oh, perfect! I’ll just boil it away.

She pours the remains of the smoothie and the rest of the elixir from the bottle into a pan and puts it on the stove. A point of the finger speeds things along with extra high temperature.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Excellent. Now that that’s done.

She walks round to Roxie.

Roxie- ...Thirty-four - Thirty-five...

Sabrina- All right. You and I have an appointment with a big, musty book. Which, ironically, gets me in more trouble than it gets me out of. Come on.

She pushes Roxie towards the living room unaware of the large pink cloud of trust steam that’s billowing from the pan on the stove and drifting out through the open back door.

Int. Spellman living room. Roxie and Sabrina enter to find Morgan grooming Salem.

Roxie- What in the...?

Morgan- A pretty kitty is a happy kitty.

Sabrina- Oh, this is just part of er, ‘Cat appreciation’ week.

The front doorbell rings.

Sabrina- (Cont.) It comes right before ‘Selling them on Ebay’ week.

She answers the front door to a man in a suit.

Sabrina- What?

Ken- Hi, I’m your neighbor. Do these pants make me look fat?

Sabrina- Why are you asking me? Oh no! Don’t say it!

Ken- I just know I can trust you.

He enters.

Sabrina- Oh, you said it.

Roxie- I trust her, too.

Elderly Man- So do I.

The elderly man at the door hands Sabrina a tatty old shoe box.

Elderly Man- (Cont.) I’m entrusting you with my life savings.

He enters.

Sabrina- Oh no. Please go. Please, I don’t want your money, Sir (To Ken) and those pants are very slimming, Sir.

A woman comes to the door carrying her new born baby and with a three year-old daughter beside her.

Woman- (To Her children) There she is. That’s the woman you’ll be living with. I mean, who else am I gonna trust them with?

She hands the baby to Sabrina. And there are other people queuing behind her. Sabrina hands the baby and the shoe box to Roxie.

Sabrina- Okay. Can you hold down the fort? I’ll be right back... and I think she needs to be changed.

Sabrina runs up stairs and trips at the third step. She stands up uncertainly.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Okay, how come I didn’t see that there?

She looks up the stairs but everything is blurred and begins to go dim.

Sabrina- (Panicking) And who’s playing with the lights!

She carefully continues up the stairs.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters and barely makes out the woman reclined in her chair in a Grecian outfit that’s set off with dark glasses and a seeing eye goat.

Blind Faith- Hello.

Sabrina- Hi. Hi, if you’ve here about the systems check, let’s just say that ‘now’s a bad time’ is the understatement of the century.

Blind Faith- I’m not here about any systems check.

Sabrina fumbles around on her bed and finds the magic book.

Sabrina- (Squinting) What’s wrong with my eyes? When did this print get smaller?

Blind Faith- You’re not gonna find the answer to your problem in there.

Sabrina- How do you know?

Blind Faith- Perhaps I should introduce myself. I’m Blind Faith.

Sabrina- Oh, I so don’t like where this is going. I don’t suppose you’re here to help me with my little problem? Hope-Hope?

Blind Faith- No. I’m here to hand over the rains, so to speak. Now that you’ve got all of Boston worshiping at your feet, you’re the new Blind Faith.

Sabrina- But I don’t wanna be Blind Faith. I mean, first of all, I can never find sunglasses that work with my face and, most importantly, I just wanted Roxie to trust me.

Blind Faith- But you used magic to make her trust you. That’s not real trust, that’s... blind faith.

Sabrina- Okay. Instead of arguing over semantics, how about you tell me how to get the people of Boston to stop trusting me? I mean, short of running for political office.

Blind Faith- Hmm. No clue. Here, you’re going to need my seeing eye dog.

She hands Sabrina the ‘Rains’ for her goat.

Sabrina- But that’s a goat!

Goat- Ma-a-a-a-ah

Sabrina- Hey, where are you going! Don’t disappear yet.

Blind Faith- I’m not going anywhere. You’re just losing your sight.

She takes off her dark glasses and looks around.

No Longer Blind Faith- (Cont.) That’s better. Wow, this really is a goat!

She puts her dark classes on Sabrina.

Sabrina- These look terrible on me, don’t they?

Faith- Hmm.

Int. Spellman living room. The seeing eye goat leads blind Sabrina down the stairs.

Sabrina- Is anybody there?

Roxie, Ken, Elderly Man, Woman, her children and the rest of the neighborhood- (Together) Hi, Sabrina.

Sabrina- Okay, everybody. Er, listen up, this is very important, okay? Now I need you all to trust me when I say this. Don’t trust me... I don’t hear anybody leaving.

Roxie- We know you’re just testing our faith.

Sabrina- No I’m not! Really. Trust me.

Everybody- We trust you, Sabrina.

Sabrina- Okay, as long as we’re clear on that.

Roxie- By the way, there’s something very strange going on in the kitchen.

Sabrina- Oh of course there is. Okay, everybody hang here. Goat, take me to the kitchen.

Goat- Mha-a-a-ah

Sabrina- Oh wait. Er, is my cat here?

Roxie- Nope.

Sabrina- Figures. The one time he might actually be useful.

Int. Spellman bathroom. Salem enjoys a relaxing bubble bath while reading the Racing Post. Morgan keeps him company.

Salem- <Sigh. Sigh>

Morgan- I understand you have to soak your hip but... why do I need to be in here?

Salem- Because this crumby tub doesn’t have any jets. Keep pedaling, Red.

Morgan nods and starts again.

Salem- <Sigh. Sigh>

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina and her goat enter.

Sabrina- Whatever’s going on in here, I’m warning you, I’m armed with an attack goat.

Louisa- Don’t worry, Sabrina. Everything’s fine. I took care of it for you.

Sabrina- Thanks, Louisa. You know, I thought maybe I’d come in here and find some of the horsemen of the apocalypse defrosting my freezer.

Louisa- Ha-ha-ha. Nothing so dire. Just a man with a summons.

Sabrina- A summons? For me? Why would I be getting...

She suddenly turns luminous green and vanishes.

Int. Witches Council Courtroom. The Other Realm. A luminous green point resolves itself into Sabrina standing blindly in the dock.

Sabrina- ...A summons?

The Judge- Order in the court!

Sabrina- Your honour? Sir, I-I think this has all been a big misunderstanding.

The Judge- Over here.

Sabrina- Oh, sorry.

She turns round to not see the judge sat at the bench. Which is a shame because it’s not often you get to see a member of the judiciary wearing nothing but his wig... At least in public.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Er, y’know, i-if I’d been given any warning about a magical systems check, I would have made sure my roommates were out of the house.

The Judge- You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Sabrina- What? Oh, yeah. (Raising her hand) I mean, I do.

The Judge- Well obviously you don’t! Or you wouldn’t be here.

Sabrina- I’m sorry. Is this about the trust thing and not about the house thing? It’s hard to keep up.

The Judge- Why else would you be standing before Naked Truth?

Sabrina- No good reason comes to mind, and I don’t suppose the "Naked" part is just a metaphor?

The Judge- No. I’m completely open and honest about everything. I have absolutely nothing to hide, unlike some people.

Sabrina- Well of course I’ve things to hide. Of course I have to tell lies; I live with mortals! And I gotta tell ya, you know, you’re not helping the whole truest factor, your nakedness.

The Judge- Trust is, as I like to say, a two way street. What reason does your friend, Roxie, have to really trust you?

Sabrina- In my defense, she really really trusts me now... (On his look) I bet you’re giving me a look, huh? All right, I guess she doesn’t have a reason to trust me. You know, I guess she’s always willing to share her secrets with me but I have definitely gone the extra mile not to share mine with her.

The Judge- Then I think you know what you have to do.

Sabrina- There’s gotta be another way? I mean, I can’t just tell her I’m...

She suddenly turns luminous green and vanishes.

Int. Spellman kitchen. A luminous green point resolves itself into Sabrina standing blindly by the counter.

Sabrina- ...A witch!

Roxie enters and goes into the pantry.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hello...? Anybody...?

Roxie- Hey Sabrina.

Sabrina- Am I in the kitchen?

Roxie- Yes, you are. Do we have any wasser crackers? Little Sabrina is teething.

The toaster pings and up pops a letter Sabrina gropes for it blindly.

Roxie- (Cont.) Are you still sterilizing the mail?

Sabrina- Er no. This is the warranty. Yeah, it’s good to keep it close.

Roxie- Okay.

Sabrina- No, wait. Roxie, that’s a lie. Actually, most of the things I tell you are lies, but you have to understand, it’s because I didn’t feel I have any other choice. The only way I can tell you my secret is if I completely trust you.

Roxie- Don’t you trust me?

Sabrina- Yeah, I do... Roxie, I’m a witch.

Something courses through the house.

Roxie- A witch?

Int. Spellman living room. The gathered neighbors feel the something go through them and stop nattering amongst themselves.

Ken- (Looking around) What am I doing here?

Int. Spellman bathroom. Something passes through.

Morgan- Aaargh!

Salem- Huh?

Morgan- I’m soaking in cat water!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina takes off her dark glasses and looks at her hand.

Sabrina- Yay! Oh, I can see again!

Roxie- A witch? That’s the weakest lie you’ve ever told!

She leaves annoyed. Sabrina chases after.

Sabrina- Roxie, wait!

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina follows Roxie in as all the neighbors are leaving.

Sabrina- Don’t walk away from me. This is important.

Roxie- A witch, huh? Is that some kind of metaphor for something?

Sabrina- Yeah, maybe it is. It means a girl who’s afraid of people finding out who she really is. It means a girl who is willing to hide the truth from those she loves the most, and it means a girl who feels different and strange every moment of the day. Look, I wish I could share more things with you, but sometimes, I just can’t. I’m sorry.

Roxie- Sabrina, I’m sorry, too. I think I’ve been a little unfair. Of course you have secrets. We all do.

Sabrina- Yeah, but you’re a little better about sharing yours.

Roxie- And that okay. I just have to trust that when you feel comfortable, you’ll share yours with me.

Sabrina- I will. Thanks.

They hug. When they pull apart.

Roxie- A witch? That was pretty good.

Salem comes running down stairs wearing a shower cap chased by Morgan wrapped in a bath towel. They run through the living room and into the dining room.

Morgan- Salem! I’ll get you! I’m not having a cat with me in the bathtub! Get back here you mangy little fur ball!

Roxie- (To Sabrina) What was all that about?

Sabrina- Oh er... you don’t wanna know, trust me.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters and finally gets chance to read the letter that had popped up earlier.

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo! I passed my magical systems check.

Salem- (OS) <Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!>

Sabrina looks round following the sound and spots a black tail hanging out of one of the cupboards behind the counter.

Salem- <Sob! Sob! Sob!>

She opens the cupboard.

Salem- (Looking up) Hell hath no fury like a woman who’s been tricked into bathing with a cat.

Morgan- (OS) Where is that stupid cat?

Salem- <Gasp!> Quick, close the door. You’ve gotta help me.

Sabrina- Don’t worry, I know exactly how to handle this.

She pushes the door closed. She heads for the stairs passing Morgan on the way.

Morgan- Sabrina, have you seen Salem?

Sabrina- Yeah. (Pointing) Bottom cabinet on the right.

Smiling, Sabrina continues on upstairs. Smiling, Morgan follows Sabrina’s directions.

Salem- (OS)(Terrified) Ugh!

Run Credits.



Pic of the Week