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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Bada-Ping!

Written By - Nancy Cohen
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Leonard - John Ducey
Annie - Diana-Marie Riva
Amanda - Emily Hart
Mickey Brentwood - Garry Marshall
Avril Lavigne - Avril Lavigne
Joey Skye - Rich Voll
Kim - Brian Wade
Tatiana - Robyn Moran
Matthew Brann - Matthew Brann
Jesse Colburn - Jesse Colburn
Charles Muniz - Charles Muniz
Evan Taubenfeld - Evan Taubenfeld

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem sits on the counter top watching the girls clearing away supper. Roxie picks up an aerosol cleaner and reads the label.

Morgan- Do you know what we need?

Roxie- An all purpose cleaner that doesn’t burn a hole in the ozone.

Morgan- Oh, they should just sew that thing up already!

Sabrina- Okay, but it’ll tale a lot longer to get tanned.

Morgan- Look, with out hectic schedules, we really need a maid.

Sabrina- Morgan, we are three healthy, strong young women. We are perfectly capable of cleaning up after ourselves.

Morgan- Oh really? Then why did you go out and buy that dress?

Sabrina looks down at the new, and rather fetching, dress she’s wearing.

Sabrina- I... Well... I, er... I ran out o’ clean clothes. All right, we need a maid. Y’know, I’ll chip in for one but all I can focus on right now is my Joey Skye interview.

Roxie- Who is this Joey Skye?

Sabrina- He’s this great singer I've discovered at the Lush Room. I’m heading down there now. Do you wanna come?

Roxie- Er, no thanks.

Morgan- Me neither. I thought you worked at a hip magazine? Why are you interviewing some old crooner?

Sabrina- Joey Skye is twenty-three and gorgeous!

Morgan- ...I’ll take a quick shower, then I’ll be right down.

She heads upstairs.

Roxie- Well I did shave my legs. It’s a shame to let them go to waste.

She dashes after Morgan leaving Sabrina to deal with the pile of dishes in the sink.

Sabrina- Ew! Pizza does not look good wet!

The room is suddenly full of smoke and after it clears it’s full of Sabrina’s, larger than life, cousin, Amanda who is developing the aunt Hilda mode of magic, where the more smoke there is, the more spectacular the entrance.

Sabrina- (Wafting at the smoke) <Cough!> Amanda, is that you?

Amanda- Yeah. You know, I’ve been so bored, I thought I’d come by and hang with someone cool.

Sabrina- Oh, well I’m kinda busy right now.

Amanda- Actually, er, I was talking about Salem. (To Salem) Hey little buddy.

Salem- <Cough! Cough!> This place is smokier than a bathroom in an all girls school!

Sabrina- Yeah, what’s with the flashy entrance? I mean, you may think coming in here in smoke looks cool but it’s a disgusting habit.

Amanda- <Sigh!> Yeah, well remind me to start listening again when the PSA’s over.

Sabrina- You’re right. I’m not your mother, I shouldn’t tell you what to do. Oh but put your hair back!

She leans forward and pushes Amanda’s bangs behind her ears while Amanda tries to back away.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(Grinning) Why hide such a beautiful face?

Morgan- (OS) Sabrina, are you okay? We smell smoke!

Sabrina zaps the toaster and up pops a couple of pieces of charcoal that used to be bread.

Sabrina- (Calling back upstairs) I burnt some toast! (To Amanda) All right, I gotta go to work. Help yourself to some leftovers.

She indicates the pile of dirty plates in the sink.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And the soup of the day is cream of pizza.

She heads for the living room as Amanda turns her nose up at the offer.

Run opening credits.

Int. The Lush Room. A cabaret club downtown. Lamp lit tables surround a small stage and dance area. Sabrina sits at a front table with Morgan and Roxie enjoying the show. However, it’s not Joey Skye that’s up on the stage but, to everyone’s surprise, Avril Lavigne and her band thumping out ‘Sk8ter Boi’ As the song comes to an end with plenty of guitar feedback everyone applauds.

Roxie- I can’t believe you didn’t tell us Avril Lavigne was gonna be here.

Sabrina- I didn’t know. I guess she stopped by to hear Joey’s set.

A handsome, spiky haired, young man strolls up to the table between Roxie and Morgan.

Joey- Hey.

Morgan- Hi

Roxie- Hi.

Joey- So am I gonna have to guess which one of you is Sabrina?

Roxie & Morgan- (Together) I am.

Sabrina- I’m Sabrina. These are my friends, Single and Desperate.

She gets withering glares from both Desperate and Single.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Have a seat.

He pulls up a chair between Morgan and Roxie.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Actually, this is Roxie and Morgan.

Joey- Nice to meet you (To Sabrina) So er, whaddya wanna know?

Avril Lavigne walks right passed their table.

Morgan- <Gasp!> That was Avril! She’s headed for the bathroom. I’m gonna ask her to sign my napkin.

She jumps to her feet and hurries after the diminutive rock chick.

Sabrina- Oh Roxie, please go with her and keep her from crawling under the stall.

Roxie- You’re right. We don’t need a repeat of the Aretha Franklin incident.

Roxie hurries after Morgan leaving Joey alone for Sabrina. She whips out her notebook and pencil.

Joey- So er, what do you wanna talk about?

Sabrina- Okay er, so when did you first start performing?

Joey- First time? Er, Let’s see. I sang ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ at my God mother’s birthday. I was three.

Sabrina- Oh that’s so cute, and a much better choice than ‘Itsy Bitsy Spider’ I mean, between the bugs and the rain it’s no wonder that kids stay inside and get fat. So er, what’s your favourite kind o’ music to sing?

Joey- I’d have to say ballads. Y’know, songs that express that one emotion that’s just more powerful than anything.

Sabrina- Anger.

Joey- Love.

Sabrina- Love? Ah yeah. I guess it’s been a while and I’m angry about it. So er, where will you be singing next?

Joey- Here.

Sabrina- No, I mean after tonight?

Joey- Here.

Sabrina- But what about any upcoming gigs?

A silver haired gentleman in a dapper suit arrives behind Sabrina.

Mickey- (Pointing to the stage) Joey, you’re next.

Joey- Er, Sabrina, this is Mickey Brentwood, the owner of the club.

Sabrina- Oh. Very nice to meet you.

Mickey- Joey tells me you’re a reporter?

Sabrina- Yes, I am.

Mickey- I don’t like people who ask a lot of questions, like that Alex Trebecca.

Sabrina- Er, it’s Alex Trebek and technically, he asks answers.

Mickey- I don’t like people who correct me either. This conversation is over.

He snaps his fingers at Joey.

Mickey- (Cont.) Joey, let’s go.

Joey gets up and turns to the stage.

Sabrina- (To Joey) Break a leg!

Int. Scorch Magazine. Sabrina closes in while her prey is vulnerable at its watering hole.

Sabrina- Annie, you remember Joey Skye, the new singer I’ve been wanting to write about?

Annie picks up her coffee mug and a muffin.

Annie- Well, since you told me yesterday and I’m not an idiot; yes.

She tries that age old escape technique of walking away but Sabrina’s undaunted by it. She uses her inbred tracking skills to stalk Annie.

Sabrina- Well last night, when I asked him about singing at other clubs, he got really weird and then the owner of the club had a stare down with me! I’m a blinker, so I lost.

Annie- The point?

Finally, Sabrina has the Annie cornered against a desk and goes in for the kill.

Sabrina- Well, I think there might be something going on there. I mean, he’s a great singer and he sells the club out but I think it’s weird that he doesn’t sing anywhere else.

Annie- All right, check it out... but be careful. Nightclub owners can get pretty rough so you might wanna take someone with you.

Sabrina- Annie, are you saying you and I should hang out together?

Annie- Not if we were conjoined at the sternum.

Well clearly vegetarians should never hunt meat eaters. Annie slips away to her office.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) So you’re busy. Maybe some other time.

She finds Leonard waiting at her desk.

Leonard- Sabrina, I couldn’t help but hear because... I was eavesdropping, but just so you know, I am an eagle scout and I am more than willing to be your bodyguard.

Sabrina- Well, Leonard...

Leonard- (Interrupting) Check out these guys.

He flexes his biceps.

Leonard- (Cont.) Come on, touch ‘em.

Sabrina- Oh, I would but I think there’s a seven day waiting period. Thanks for the offer.

Leonard- Fine, but just so know, I spent three months as part of a very tough street gang.

Sabrina- (doubtful) Really?

Leonard- Yeah. I was understudy for Riff in West Side Story.

He walks behind her snapping his fingers to the rhythm then turns with his finger pointing like a gun.

Leonard- (Cont.) Pow!

Sabrina laughs.

Int. Spellman living room. Roxie enters from the kitchen with a stocky, well built, well fed woman wearing a head scarf and apron and carrying a portable vacuum.

Roxie- Let’s talk about the laundry. We use the biodegradable detergent, it doesn’t get rid of stains but I feel better about it.

The woman nods her understanding and gets straight to work whisking the shelf unit as Morgan comes down stairs in her dressing gown.

Morgan- Morning Roxie. Oh, who’s this?

Roxie- She is out new cleaning lady, Tatiana. She’s Ukrainian.

Morgan- Tatiana. What a pretty name for someone so... squat.

Tatiana smiles and nods showing that she has little understanding of English.

Morgan- (Cont.) How do you do?

Tatiana- Dust, then laundry.

Morgan- Good. (To Roxie) I hired someone too. I found her name on a flier.

The doorbell rings.

Morgan- (Cont.) In fact, that’s probably her right now. (To Tatiana, with sign language) But don’t you worry. I will tell Kim the job is already taken. Me mess a soo mess.

Tatiana nods and smiles as Morgan goes to answer the door. Her eye’s widen with delight at the tall, muscular, handsome man who’s stood there.

Kim- Hi, I’m Kim.

Morgan just stands staring with her mouth open.

Kim- (Cont.) Of Kim’s Cleaning?

He holds up a box of cleaning supplies as a hint.

Morgan- (Calling out) Tatiana, you’re fired!

Int. Eve’s Diner. Sabrina and Joey sit face to face in a booth eating fries, sipping on milk shakes and continuing their interview.

Joey- In the future, er please don’t call me at the club?

Sabrina- Why not?

Joey- Because.

Sabrina- Because why?

Joey- Because.

Sabrina- Okay, can we throw in some verbs and nouns? So, um, tell me about your relationship with Mickey Brentwood?

Joey- It’s fine. What else do you wanna know?

Sabrina- Well what would happen if you sang somewhere other than The Lush Room?

Joey- Next question.

Sabrina- Are you being forced to sing there exclusively?

Joey- Pass the salt please?

Sabrina- Pass the... <Gasp!> Oh, is that code?

Joey- Yeah. It’s code for I need salt on my fries.

She gives him the salt seller.

Sabrina- Okay, how about this? If you’re being forced to sing at The Lush Room, nod your head.

He picks up a fry and pops it into his mouth looking up nervously then quickly down at his plate..

Sabrina- (Cont.) Is that nodding or eating? Oh my gosh! Are you being forced to eat too?

He doesn’t respond.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, how about we try something else. (Picking up the condiments) Er, if you were ketchup and you wanted to leave mustard to go across town to salt and pepper, not the little sassy pop duo, these little guys, what would happen?

Joey picks up the ketchup and gives it a squeeze causing a spurt of the red stuff to spray out of the top.

Sabrina- (Shocked) Oh!

Joey- Now do you get it?

Sabrina- Yeah. I feel so bad for you. (Looking at the spilled ketchup) I mean, not to mention the busboy. I can’t believe you’re being threatened. That’s so unfair. You should be free to sing wherever you want. Joey, you have to let me write this up.

Joey- ...Okay. Okay, but you have to promise me, you didn’t hear any of this from me.

Sabrina- My lips are sealed... First, I’m going to finish these fries but then my lips are so sealed.

With a nod and a smile he gets up and leaves. Sabrina pops another French Fry into her mouth as a grey haired man wearing dark glasses and a baseball cap turns in the booth behind her and taps her on her shoulder. She turns to find herself face to face with...

Mickey- If you print that story, you’ll never work again. You know what I’m saying, blonde person?

He gets up and leaves.

Sabrina- Yeah, you’re saying you had onions for lunch.

She turns back to her fries having suddenly lost her appetite for them... and not because of the onion breath.

Int. Spellman living room. Morgan’s sat on the settee with her feet up absently scratching Salem’s neck with a fixed, half dazed smile on her face. Roxie enters and fans herself with her hand.

Roxie- Why’s it so hot in here?

She walks over to the thermostat on the wall and checks it.

Roxie- (Cont.) Morgan, you have it set on ninety-five!

Morgan- I really didn’t notice.

But Roxie suddenly notices that Kim is whisking the curtains and, because of the heat, has taken his shirt off. Muscles ripple with every move.

Morgan- (Cont.) Ah Kim. Kim, don’t forget to dust the top of the drapes.

Kim- No problem.

Morgan watches him stretch up to reach.

Roxie- I can’t believe you!

Morgan- What? I am watching a professional at work, and believe me, you’re little soviet shot-putter couldn’t have reached up there.

Roxie- All I’m saying is... Whoa! He got the gunk out of the remote.

She picks up the TV remote from the coffee table.

Roxie- (Cont.) I can watch TV in English again.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Roxie and Salem have retreated to where it’s cooler and Roxie shares a chilled cola with Sabrina whose working on her story at the table.

Sabrina- So it turns out Mickey Brentwood is forcing Joey to only sing at The Lush Room.

Roxie- And Mickey’s the guy who threatened you?

Sabrina nods yes.

Roxie- (Cont.) Are you sure you wanna go ahead with this story?

Sabrina- Absolutely! It’s an incredible scoop!

Roxie- Oh I don’t like this. You’ve been threatened by a nightclub owner. Don’t you watch HBO?

Sabrina- What are you saying? I’m going to be sleeping with the fishes? Wearing a cement overcoat? Have a boulder dropped on me from an overpass?... Oh right, that’s from The Roadrunner.

Roxie- All right, fine but if Wily Coyote tries to flatten you with an Acme anvil, don’t come running to me.

She gets up and leaves and a second later the room is full of choking smoke and somewhere in there is Amanda.

Amanda- Hey. Want to join me for an emergency trip to Paris for silver hooped earrings?

Sabrina- (Wafting at the smoke) Er, no thanks. It already feels like a French bistro in here. Besides, I’m working on an article.

Amanda- Ugh! Snooze.

Salem- Actually, not, for a change. You see this thug nightclub owner threatened our little Lois Lame over here...

Sabrina points across at him and his head falls off.

Salem- Whoa! I hate it when you cut me off.

Sabrina- (To Amanda) It’s a bad time. You go ahead.

Amanda- It’s always a bad time for you. Au revoir!

Sabrina- Without all the...

Poof!

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...Smoke! <Coach! Cough!> Oh, the kid should come with a warning label. (Wafting again) Gross!

Salem- Speaking of gross. Headless cat at four o’clock!

Sabrina points again and the head jumps back onto Salem’s neck.

Sabrina- Sorry, but I don’t want Amanda knowing anything about this situation with Mickey Brentwood.

Salem- Ah, so you are worried.

Sabrina- I have nothing to worry about! You don’t believe me? We’ll take a little trip to the future and I’ll prove it.

Salem- Cool! Road trip!

Sabrina waves her finger and the microwave door springs open, Sabrina and Salem dissolve into a sparkling swirl and shoot into the cooker. It’s amazing what technology is capable of these days. Not only can a microwave transport you through the time/space continuum but a baked potato in five minutes! That’s magic.

Int. The hall of rest at the Westbridge funeral parlour. Sabrina and Salem materialise in sparkly fashion. Sabrina looks around, confused.

Sabrina- Where are we?

Salem- I don’t know

He looks about himself at the sombre surroundings.

Salem- (Cont.) But, apparently, in the future, you have a bad den.

Sabrina spots a coffin at the other end of the room.

Sabrina- O-oh! It looks like someone we know dies.

She walks down to take a look totally unprepared for what she’s about to see.

Sabrina- (Cont.) <Gasp!> Whoa! When he said I’d never work again he meant not even part time!

She can only stand and stare in horrified fascination at the still, peaceful looking form of herself lying in the coffin.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Sabrina’s following Annie around the office once again.

Annie- Let me get this straight. You were all excited about doing the article this morning. Now, you don’t wanna write it?

Sabrina- Well it’s not that I don’t wanna write it. It’s just that er... This is kind of a left brain type article and I just happened to sleep on my left side last night and that side of my brain is really numb, so the right side is feeling bitter and neglected...

Annie- (Interrupting) Oh, can’t you just call in sick like normal people?

Sabrina- Well that would be a left brain function, so...

Annie- (Interrupting) No, stop! Stop! I’ll assign it to someone.

Sabrina- Great!... No, not great! Very bad! Look, I can’t put this off on someone else. I’ll write the article.

Annie- Fine! But you and all your little voices better get to work. This issue’s going to press tomorrow so you are on hard deadline, missy! I’ll line up a photo shoot.

She goes off to her office.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Two words I don’t need to hear: ‘Dead’ and ‘Shoot’. I’m not too crazy about ‘Missy’ either.

She walks over to Leonard’s desk.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey Leonard. Um, I think I’ll take you up on that bodyguard offer.

Leonard- Oh terrific. You can call me anytime you want.

Sabrina- I really appreciate it.

Leonard- Y’know, just not mornings between eight and nine fifteen, I hit the gym... and midday is bad, I usually have a lunch... and not er nights, after ten.

Sabrina- Why not?

Leonard- I’m bathing Nana.

Sabrina- Please tell me Nana’s your dog?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Morgan has found herself a fulltime job. Watching Kim work. At the moment he’s flexing his muscles unblocking the sink with a plunger when Roxie comes from the living room.

Roxie- It’s six thirty. What’s he still doing here?

Morgan- The sink needed plunging! I guess there’s a clog in the drain.

With an extra flex, something comes free. I high healed red shoe.

Kim- This was stuck in here.

Morgan- Huh, I was wrong. It wasn’t a clog, it was a pump.

Kim- Listen, Morgan, before I go. You know how you were staring at me all day?

Roxie- Oh no, here we go. (To Morgan) Sexual harassment goes both ways, y’know.

Kim- I was wondering if you’d be interested in going out with me? I have to work tomorrow but maybe we can do lunch?

Morgan- Sounds fantastic.

Kim- Great.

He picks up his box of supplies and leaves. Morgan grins from ear to ear as she twirls a matching red pump in her fingers.

Morgan- Sexual Harassment?... like a fox!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina types away on her laptop as Salem sits and watches.

Salem- Are you crazy? You’ve found out you’re gonna get bumped off and you’re still writing this article?

Sabrina- Look, I’ll worry about my article, you worry about... coyotes.

Another ball of thick smoke suddenly engulfs the bedroom.

Salem- <Cough! Cough! Cough!>

From its depths emerges Amanda.

Sabrina- (Wafting) Will you stop with the smoke?! And don’t you have an alchemy final tomorrow?

Amanda- Whoa! Who died and made you my boss?

Salem- Funny you should mention dying...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Salem!

Amanda- What? Okay, something weird is going on.

Salem- I think you should tell her. You know, so someone can call the police besides the cat.

Sabrina- (Giving in) All right. It’s possible that there’s some connection between writing this story and my untimely, youthful death. (Quick subject change) Ooh, I love those earrings, are they from Paris?

Amanda- Wait a minute, you’re gonna die?!

Salem- Hey Sabrina, if you bite the dust, can I have your red silk robe? It makes me feel like a pretty kitty.

Amanda- You can’t write that article, Sabrina!

Sabrina- Oh I’ll be fine. It’s nothing to worry about.

Amanda- But you’ll be dead! And buried! A corps! Worm food!

Sabrina- Okay, when you put it like that it is a bit of a downer.

Salem- Look, if you’re hell bent of writing this piece, at least protect yourself. Change the names.

Sabrina- No! I can’t do that. I’m going to tell the truth because I’m a journalist and a real journalist uses real names.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Annie reads through Sabrina’s article.

Annie- You changed the names?

Sabrina- I had to, to protect my sources.

Annie- So our sources will be safe but our readers will be bored.

Sabrina- Oh well we don’t want to distract from the ads, do we?

Annie- Well I’ll print it but only because I have to fill the space... but I am not happy.

She goes off to her office.

Sabrina- (Calling after) You don’t understand! I had to change the names!

Annie doesn’t so much as turn her head.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(Under her breath) I think.

She walks into the kitchen area where a convenient time machine is situated.

Sabrina- (Cont.) By using pseudonyms instead, will I end up alive or dead?

She points at the microwave and in the class front she sees and image of herself lying peacefully in her coffin.

Sabrina- (Angry) Well at least my coffin is microwave safe! So he plans on killing me anyway, well he doesn’t know who he’s dealing with!

She storms across the office to intercept Annie who’s prowling the office again.

Sabrina- Annie! Print the article with the real names!

Annie- Are you sure?

Sabrina- Yes! Do it before I change my mind.

She turns back to her office.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Don’t do it! Yes do it! Go! Start the presses!

Annie finally gets away and Sabrina makes her way back to her desk feeling very tense. Leonard hopes to relax her by placing a bouquet of flowers on her desk.

Leonard- Flower delivery, m’lady. It looks like you have a secret admirer besides me... Oops, now it’s not a secret.

She picks them up and pulls back the paper to admire the roses.

Sabrina- <Gasp!> Black roses?

There’s a card.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘I hope you like this arrangement; don’t forget ours. Mickey’

She drops the flowers in her trashcan.

Leonard- Are you in some kind of trouble?

Sabrina- Er, Leonard, I never thought I’d say this but um, do you wanna come home with me tonight?

Leonard- Tonight? (Clears his throat) Er, oh, I-I can’t. it’s er...

He checks his watch as he backs away.

Leonard- (Cont.) Whoo, spinning class, y’know, er... I’ll be too... dizzy.

He’s backed away far enough to make a break for the door and in a moment he’s gone.

Sabrina- Okay, well any other secret admirers wanna come home with me tonight?

Many big strapping lads in the office and all of them are giving Sabrina a wide berth.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Er, any professional wrestlers? Thai kick boxers? Anyone with superhero pyjamas?

All the brave talking guys in the office are now noticeable by their absence.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina has, at least, got home safely and her bodyguard, Roxie, reads the article from the copy of Scorch that Sabrina has brought with her.

Roxie- (Reading) ‘...And so, due to this immoral contract, the only place the uber talented Joey Skye will see his star rise is over The Lush Room.’ I hope you know what you’re doing?

Sabrina- I do... except for the ‘uber’ thing.

Morgan gets home from her date with Kim.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Wow! Speaking of ‘uber’ thing, who is that?

Roxie- That is our new maid.

Sabrina- Morgan’s dating the help?

Roxie- Hm-mm.

Kim takes off his jacket.

Sabrina- Oh, now it makes sense.

Morgan- (To Kim) Well thanks for lunch. I’ll see you around.

She holds out her hand very formally. He takes it in his.

Kim- Oh, all right. Oh wait! You have some dirt under your right nail. Hold on.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out just the right tool for cleaning under finger nails.

Morgan- Er thanks again. Bye-bye.

Kim- Oh, You have some schmuts on your face! I’ll get it.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a handkerchief, spits on it and moves to wipe it off but he pauses and looks into Morgan’s eyes.

Kim- (Cont.) You know, while I’m here, I would love to work on these pores?

Morgan- (Pushing his handkerchief aside) Oh, that is it! Get out!

Kim- Can’t we make a plan for next time?

Morgan- No we can’t! You are too obsessed with you work! You are the only guy who has ever asked me to take off my clothes so he can iron them! Good-bye!

She pushes him out the door and slams it shut on him.

Morgan- (Cont.) Roxie, get me the name of that squat uranium lady!

She stomps off upstairs followed by Roxie. Sabrina sits bemused wondering what the heck a uranium lady is. A large billow of smoke cuts her pondering short and after she’s wafted some of it aside, she finds, her young cousin, Amanda.

Sabrina- <Cough! Cough!>

Amanda- I was so worried about you, Sabrina. I don’t want you to die.

Sabrina- <Cough! Cough!> Don’t worry, nobody’s dying. <Cough! Cough!> Some of us are chocking.

Amanda- But I’m really worried about you.

Sabrina- Look, I can keep Mickey Brentwood from knocking me off. I’ll just lay low and stay out of dangerous situations. I’ll be fine. Really.

Amanda look unconvinced.

Sabrina- (Cont.) D’you wanna sleep over?

Later. Sabrina and Amanda are sitting reading magazines together when a shadow of a gun appears on the cushion beside Sabrina. She jumps with fright right into Amanda’s lap. They both look over to see Morgan drying her hair in front of the mirror.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Amanda and Sabrina sit at the table doing a crossword. Sabrina dives under the table at the rat-ta-ta-ta-ta-tat of the Tommy gun. Roxie takes her back of popcorn from the microwave and offers them around.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina awakes in the morning feeling something in the bed with her. She pulls back the duvet to find Salem’s head beside he in a large pool of blood. She screams... Salem screams and she sees that he does indeed look a pretty kitty in her red silk robe.

Sabrina- That’s it! I’m getting dressed and going down there. I’m not going to let that thug intimidate me!

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina comes down stairs dressed and ready for action. Amanda, who has slept on the settee, wakes.

Amanda- What’s going on?

Sabrina- Amanda, it’s time to face my fears. I’m going to The Lush Room for a sit down with the enemy.

Amanda- (Leaping up) Ah-ha! Not without me! Hang on, I’ll get dressed.

She runs up stairs as Sabrina opens the front door.

Sabrina- Well make it fast because I wanna get right down there and tell that ignorant swaggering goon that he better back off!

She turns to see the ignorant swaggering goon standing at the door.

Sabrina- (Cont.) But I’ll tell Mickey Brentwood that he’s absolutely charming.

He waves a rolled up copy of Scorch Magazine under her nose making her back off as he enters. Salem sits on the stairs watching.

Mickey- Spellman, you’ve done me a great dishonour by printing this.

Salem- Ghe!

He runs off upstairs as Mickey continues to force Sabrina back.

Sabrina- Look, I’m really sorry but I had to. Joey Skye’s a very talented singer!

She can only back so far into the living room before coming into contact with some furniture. She falls backwards over the arm of the settee and ends up with Mickey looking down at her.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I mean, The Lush Room is lovely and the ciders to die for... so to speak, but holding him back is so wrong!

Mickey- You’re trying to ruin me, aren’t you? (Throwing down the magazine) You’re going to ruin me!

Sabrina- No, I’m not trying to ruin anybody. I-I just think Joey should be free to live his own life.

Mickey- It’s very tough out there. They’ll eat him alive!

Sabrina- Oh like you care about that! He’s you’re canolli ticket you big meatball!

She jumps to her feet and gets in his face.

Mickey- Meatball?

He gets right back into hers and she ends up sat down again looking up at him.

Sabrina- Sorry, I’m hungry.

Mickey- I’m just trying to protect him, that’s all!

Sabrina- Oh what are you, his mother? (On his look) I-I mean, his father?

All the hardness and toughness slips from his features leaving just a concerned old man.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh my gosh, you are his father! Why doesn’t he tell people you’re related?

Mickey- ‘Cause I talk funny or somethin’ Maybe he’s embarrassed? <Sob!>

Sabrina- Oh, don’t cry or I’ll be embarrassed of you too.

She gently sits him down and gets him a tissue.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Here.

Mickey- Oh, thank you very much.

Sabrina- What’s the worst that could happen if he sings at other clubs?

Mickey- He’ll desert me! Y’know, he’ll-he’ll go to his fancy shmancy auditoriums, he’ll get a record deal, he’ll go on that MTV plugged up.

Sabrina- Those are good things.

Mickey- Okay-okay. I’m afraid he’ll forget about his papa.

Sabrina- Mickey, you can’t let your fears run your life. I mean, sure, Joey’ll probably go out on his own but he’ll come back and visit for weekends and national holidays.

Mickey- You think? I hope so.

He gets to his feet.

Mickey- (Cont.) This was good. I feel much better. Thank you very much and er, now, what can I do for you?

Sabrina- Er... please don’t kill me?

Mickey- (Laughing) What is that?

He takes hold of her face in his hands squeezing her lips into a pout.

Mickey- You think I would hurt someone so beautiful?

Sabrina- I would hope not!

Mickey- (Releasing her) Thanks for the tissues.

He puts the used one into her hand. She makes a ‘Yuck!’ face, throws the tissue away and wipes her hand on her pants.

Mickey- (Cont.) Hey.

He slips his arm round her shoulder making her jump.

Mickey- (Cont.) Someday you’re going to get married and I’m gonna give you a very good rate on my big room, okay?

She laughs nervously.

Mickey- (Cont.) I’m a softy.

He heads for the door and yells to his driver.

Mickey- Hey, open the car door, I’m commin’ out! Why are you just standin’ around?

He leaves.

Sabrina- Nice guy. He taught me a lot.

Amanda comes dashing down stairs dressed with Salem at her heals.

Amanda- Okay, let’s go down to that club and witch-slap this guy.

Sabrina- Oh, we don’t have to go. He was just here.

Amanda- What?! What happened? Are you okay?

Sabrina- I’m fine. It’s all taken care of. He won’t be bothering me any more.

Amanda- (Hugging Sabrina) Oh I’m so relieved.

Sabrina slips her arm around her cousin’s shoulder.

Sabrina- Y’know, we should make it a point to hang out more often... and not just when one of our lives is at stake.

Amanda- Yeah, I’d like that.

Salem- Far be it from me to break up this love fest, but you still don’t know how you die.

Sabrina- I don’t die anymore. I changed my destiny. Mickey likes me now. I’m getting married in the big room.

Amanda- Yeah, but what if Salem’s right?

Sabrina- Look, relax guys. I’ll ping us into the future and show you.

She points. What VCR’s as well! I’ve done all these from a VCR and all I’ve ever managed to do with time is waste it! Sabrina takes Amanda and Salem into the machine with her.

Int. The chapel of rest, Westbridge Funeral Parlour. It’s full of people dressed in black. Leonard weeps into his hanky beside Annie who is tapping away on her palm-pilot when Sabrina enters. Fortunately no one looks round or they might have found the site of Sabrina at her own funeral a little strange. Particularly her two closest friends who are stood up by the coffin dabbing at their eyes.

Morgan- All this time and I didn’t even know she was a smoker. <Sob!>

Roxie- She wasn’t. <Sniff!> Didn’t you hear what the doctor said?

Morgan- No. Although I did notice he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring.

Roxie- Morgan, she died of second hand smoke.<Sniff! Sniff!>

Morgan- But we don’t smoke! <Sniff!> It must have been someone from work.

Sabrina- (To Amanda) Or from somewhere else!

Amanda- I am so sorry. No more smoke, I promise.

Sabrina- Good.

Amanda- (Looking at the coffin) I hate to see you like this.

Sabrina- Hey, don’t forget. Y’know, I’m half mortal but I’m also half witch, so it could be centuries before I actually die... But when I do; promise not to bury my with my bra strap showing.

That earns her a dig from her cousin.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina and Roxie are sat on one settee reading while Morgan sits in the other watching TV. Tatiana, the Ukrainian maid enters pushing the vacuum, (Not Sabrina’s flying one.)

Tatiana- Is very hot in here! Mind if I take shirt off?

Roxie- (Absently) No.

Morgan- No.

Sabrina- No.

With a nod, she does. She starts her vacuum and gets to work. Despite themselves, the girls can't resist looking.

Morgan- <Sigh!> It’s just not the same, is it?

Roxie- No.

Sabrina- Nope.

They all turn back to what they were doing.

Run credits.



Pic of the Week