Witch Way Out

Written By – Adam & David Hamburger
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Harvey - Nate Richert
Victor - Austin Peck
Angus - Verne Troyer
Asian Businessman - Kipp Shiotani
Sasquatch - Michael Deak
The Goo Goo Dolls - The Goo Goo Dolls

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Roxie’s sat at the table flicking through a magazine while Morgan, in her dressing gown puts a glass of orange juice on the table. Sabrina comes down stairs wearing a summer top and picks up the orange juice.

Roxie- Morning Sabrina.

Sabrina- Hi there.

She takes a quick sip of the juice.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Bye there. I’m off to work.

Roxie- You’re late for work again?

Aunt Morgan- You’d better be careful missy, or you’ll get sick.

Aunt Roxie- And for goodness sakes, put on a jacket.

Sabrina looks at her two friends and is completely freaked out as Morgan appears to be a mom from a fifties sitcom, complete with monochrome gingham dress and pearl necklace.

Aunt Morgan- And be sure to call and give us an idea of when you’ll be home, otherwise, I’ll just sit up and worry.

Roxie, on the other hand appears to be the dad from the same sitcom in waistcoat and trilby hat and holding a pipe.

Uncle Roxie- Isn’t that neckline a little low, young lady?

Morgan holds up a plate of pancakes (We really don’t wanna go there) and smiles. Her teeth ping. Sabrina shakes herself out of the frightening vision.

Sabrina- Guys, I appreciate your concern but I’m a grown up. I can take care of myself.

Roxie- Fine! But it really is cold out there.

Sabrina- I can handle it.

She turns and leaves by the back door.

Ext. Spellman back porch. Sabrina comes out straight into a blizzard.

Sabrina- Holly cheese and crackers! Cold-cold-cold!

Morgan- (Calling from the kitchen) Now d'ya wanna come back in and get your coat?

Sabrina rubs her arms, shivering for a second as she considers it but then has a better idea. She points at herself and acquires an Eskimo Nell jacket and large fur mittens.

Sabrina- (Calling back) I said I could handle it.

Unfortunately, as with most of Sabrina’s magic, there’s a snag. The large mittens and the length of her coat make it almost impossible to get into her pants pocket. She struggles for a while.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Oh great! How am I supposed to get my keys?

Run opening credits.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Sabrina’s catching up on her lateness with a little evening overtime. She’s on her own at her desk typing up an article.

Sabrina- (To herself) <Sigh!> My necks is stiffer than... my writing. Oh, this is bad. I’ve been working round the clock, help me shift this writers block.

She points at herself but it has no effect on her... but plenty on her chair. The desk, swivel chair morphs into a large vibrating leather lazy boy affair. She hits the controls for the footrest and tilts it back.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(In vibro-voice) Whoo-hoo! Not what I was going for but, ah, this is nice too.

She settles back in her chair beginning to relax for all of two seconds. The clearing of someone’s throat brings back the tenseness tenfold. She quickly fumbles with the controls to get it back upright and stop the vibrations. She looks over and sees a dark, handsome stranger leaning against the wall be the door.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oops! How long have you been standing there?

Victor- Long enough to realise that you are a very beautiful woman.

Sabrina has no answer to that and can only sit there feeling a little flumuxed.

Victor- (Cont.) That was forward of me. I’m sorry.

Sabrina- Oh no-no, don’t be sorry. Be um... continuing.

Victor- (Taking her hand) I’m Victor.

Sabrina- Sabrina. Yeah, I just have this chair because I’m er, researching a story about... loafing. So, are you a freelancer?

Victor- I own a record label and I was just dropping off some promotional material.

Sabrina- Oh, well then we’ve something in common. You own a record label and I own a label maker.

Victor- This is totally out of the blue, but um, do you have plans for tonight?

Sabrina- Not really, except for writing and... vibrating.

Victor- I own this gallery and we’re having an opening tonight. Would you like to join me?

Sabrina- Oh. I was supposed to go for seafood with my roommates.

Victor- I hear there’s going to be really good food?

Sabrina- Let’s see. Going to a gallery opening with a handsome, single guy or fighting with Roxie over a tiny bag of oyster crackers?

Victor- I’ll buy you a sculpture?

Sabrina- Sold!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem’s sat on the table reading his magazine and Sabrina’s dressed up for her date with Victor when Harvey enters.

Sabrina- Hey Harvey, what brings you by?

Harvey- Oh nothin’ special. You know, I haven’t seen you in a while and I miss you.

Sabrina- Whaddya wanna watch?

Harvey- Canadian Celebrity Hockey. I’m gonna get cable one of these days, I swear.

Sabrina- Well watch away. I’m not even gonna be here.

Salem- But I am! Doctor Doolittle’s on tonight. Something about a talking animal just cracks me up.

Sabrina stands before the mirror and adds a little lip gloss.

Sabrina- Oh no! It looks like I’m getting crows feet right here.

She points at the side of her left eye and a could of sparkles slip from the end of her finger. She ends up with a little more than crows feet; she ends up with the whole crow stuck to the side of her face. It gives a loud Caw!

Harvey- Oops! Why did that happen?

Sabrina- Who knows?

She zaps the noisy bird away.

Salem- Do I have to explain everything? Ever since you’ve been on this ‘I’m a grownup’ kick, you’ve hardly used your magic. It’s pent up and it’s gonna come out!

Sabrina-Y’know, I’ve been doing fine without magic. Maybe I’ll just give it up.

Harvey- Wait a minute. How are you gonna quit magic? Go to witch watchers?

She takes a large, clear plastic container with a lid down from above the fridge.

Sabrina- No, I’ll just store it in this container.

Harvey- I can’t believe you’d give up your magic. It’s so much a part of you.

Sabrina- Well I don’t really need it anymore and, lately, every time I try to use it, like tonight at the office, I almost get busted.

She prises off the lid and holds her finger over it. She gives it a good squeeze and after the first couple of drops of luminous green magic drip out, the flow starts.

Harvey- Are you sure that’ll hold it?

Sabrina- Yeah. Tupperware’s the only thing that can hold magic. They say Houdini died of locked in freshness.

The container quickly fills up and she gives her finger a little shake to get the last few drips out.

Sabrina- (Cont.) There, that gets the last drop.

She puts the lid back on and turns to Salem.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And I know what you’re thinking! I don’t want you going anywhere near this.

Salem- Oh, come on! Just a little. I don’t want to be a cat anymore.

Sabrina- Harvey, you hold onto it.

She picks up the container and hands it to Harvey. It shoots straight back towards Sabrina and Harvey only just manages to stop it hitting her. It takes effort to pull the container away.

Harvey- Wow! It doesn’t wanna leave you.

Sabrina- (Petting the container) Oh, my magic’s got separation anxiety.

She picks up her handbag and goes towards the living room.

Harvey- Come on, Salem, we’ll have a great time. We’ve got soda, we’ve got popcorn, we’ve got four hours of Canada’s brightest TV stars playing hockey.

Int. Spellman living room. Harvey sits watching the TV with Sabrina’s glowing magic on his lap as Sabrina slips a few essentials into her handbag. He hears Morgan and Roxie come down stairs and quickly puts the glowing container an the floor between his feet.

Roxie- Hi, Harvey. Wanna come to dinner with us?

Morgan- It’s this really fun seafood place. The bathrooms are for wenches and mateys.

Harvey- That sounds cool.

His eyes widen with excitement as he looks back at the TV.

Harvey- <Gasp!> Alan Thick is about to sing ‘Oh Canada’! You guys go ahead.

He waves them away without taking his eyes from the screen.

Sabrina- Actually, um, there’s been a change of plans. You see, I met this guy and he told me of an opening at an art gallery with music and food and...

Morgan- (Interrupting) Ah.

Roxie- We get what you’re saying.

Sabrina- Good, because I didn’t want to disappoint you.

Morgan- Oh don’t worry. We can go to dinner any old time.

Roxie- We’ll be ready to go in two minutes.

They turn for the stairs to get changed.

Sabrina- What?

Roxie- Sabrina, it’s okay. We know how awkward it is to go to a party were you don’t know anybody.

Morgan- That’s what we’re here for, and don’t worry, I won’t wear my best stuff so you’ll still look pretty.

They go upstairs.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) Sometimes, I swear, they are two of the most dense people I know.

Harvey- I wonder if we’ll ever have a Canadian President?

Sabrina- (With a frown) Maybe there’s a gas leak in this house?

Harvey sniffs the air, concerned.

Int. Victors Gallery. As might be expected the walls are hung with paintings and various sculptures, in various materials adorn plinths. People make their way from one to the next carrying coloured punch drinks and nibbles while nodding knowledgably to one another. Three people make their way through all this.

Roxie- I’ve gotta say, this great gallery opening you wanted us to come to kinda sucks.

Morgan- Yeah, and next time, do us a favour. Don’t drag us to your artsy fartsy party.

Sabrina- Okay, well, y’know, if this isn’t your thing, you still have time to go to dinner without me.

Morgan- <Sigh!> No. I mean, we’re here and I did my hair and Roxie put on deodorant.

This earns Morgan an elbow in the ribs.

Roxie- Since we’re stuck here amongst these losers, we should come up with a safe word.

Sabrina- Safe word?

Roxie- You know, code word. In case we get cornered by some geek.

Morgan- Or someone poor.

Sabrina- Okay, how about ‘Zoo’?

Morgan- Sabrina, the whole point of a safe word is that it wouldn’t come up in normal conversation. Zoo won’t work. Oh this place is a zoo. What a zoo it is in here. Sure, I’ll make out at the monkey house at the zoo.

Sabrina- Okay, kazoo. How’s that?

Roxie- Fine. Kazoo.

Morgan- Come on, Roxie. I’ll teach you how to pick up a cater waiter.

They slip away leaving Sabrina on her own by the nibbles. She’s not alone for long though as Victor spots her and comes over.

Victor- So, what do you think of the gallery?

Sabrina- Oh. I-I like this er, tangled... chrome... thingy.

She points a wire spiral piece with an orange caught up in the middle.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Except, it’s too bad someone left their orange in it.

Victor- I think that’s part of the sculpture.

Sabrina- Oh. In that case, I may have just eaten a ?*successanar*? banana.

Int. Spellman living room. Harvey’s still sat in front of the TV with Salem at his shoulder, a bowl of popcorn in his lap and a Tupperware container of magic by his side.

Salem- Come on buddy, pal, compadre. How about sharing a little of Sabrina’s mojo with me?

Harvey- Salem, Sabrina said no and I dated her. No means no.

Salem- Fine, but if I had that magic, I could turn you into a Canadian celebrity and you could be out there on that ice having your teeth knocked out by K. D. Lang.

The vision is very tempting to Harvey, but...

Harvey- No!

Salem- Grr!

Int. Victor’s Gallery. A garden at nighttime. Victor and Sabrina sit together on a garden bench. Victor takes a bracing breath of air.

Victor- This is much better, huh?

Sabrina- Much.

People walk by behind them and admire the painting of a garden at nighttime.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Yes, this certainly is the most comfortable piece of art I ever sat on. So, er do choose all the pieces yourself?

Victor- Oh no-no. The gallery is just a side business. My personal collection tends to be more eclectic.

Sabrina- Mine too. I have twenty of the fifty state quarters.

Victor- Impressive. Let’s get out of here. I mean, why don’t you come to my home for an after party. I’m having a live band and really cool people and I promise it’ll be-it’ll be much better than this.

Sabrina- Well, okay. I mean, after all, I’ve already eaten all the art.

Victor- I need to tell somebody I’m leaving.

Sabrina- Okay.

They both get up and head in different directions. Sabrina, too, has somebody she needs to tell that she leaving. She finds her friends in another part of the gallery. They are each in conversation with guys.

Sabrina- Hey guys, listen, I’m...

Roxie- (Interrupting) Kazoo!

Sabrina- Oh, don’t you feel terrible for that poor supermodel outside? The way both of her straps snapped off like that!

The girls are instantly alone.

Roxie- Thank you.

Sabrina- Listen. Um Victor’s having an after party at his house, so...

Roxie- (Interrupting) I can’t go. I have to get to the radio show.

Sabrina- Well...

Morgan- (Interrupting) That’s okay, I’ll bring back as much food as I can stuff in my pockets.

Sabrina- Hello, Larry! Curly! You’re not invited! Can’t you guys take a hint?

Roxie- (Surprised) Whoa!

Morgan- (Surprised and a little upset) And whoa!... is me, too.

Roxie- So, you’re going alone to a party at this guys house? You don’t even know him.

Morgan- Roxie’s right. You need someone to come along and watch your back. It’s called the buddy system.

Sabrina- Okay. I don’t need a buddy, I don’t need a chaperone and I don’t need you guys acting like my aunts!

Victor arrives behind Sabrina.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’m an adult! I can take care of myself!

Victor- Ready?

Sabrina- (Jumping slightly) Yeah. (To Roxie and Morgan) Look, I’m sorry. It...

Roxie- (Interrupting) Okay, whatever. Have fun. Come on, Morgan.

She leaves.

Morgan- Well, you have lipstick on your teeth and I’m not going to tell you.

She turns and follows Roxie. Sabrina rubs at her teeth with a finger as she and Victor walk by a statue of a torso with too many arms attached.

Victor- Is everything all right?

Sabrina- Oh yeah. Y’know, nothing that an arm can’t take care of.

Int. Spellman kitchen. All that Canadian celebrity hockey has worn poor Harvey out. He’s flaked out, fast asleep over his French fries sandwich at the table having left Sabrina’s magic on the counter top. This is all the chance Salem needs and he’s making the most of it but first he has to get past the lid.

Salem- All this just so I can thumb wrestle again. Okay, let’s make magic!

He swishes his tail which knocks the carefully balanced chew-ball in the trough so that it rolls along the counter and drops onto the toaster controls that pops up the toast which sets off the mousetrap that releases the hammer that falls onto the nail over the shotgun cartridge which fires, releasing the ball on a pendulum swing that knocks three items off the counter top. The foremost being Salem, who flies with a yelp into the pan rack before dropping to the floor. The other two are the Tupperware container of magic and the kitchen knife holder. Salem lands amongst the knives and notices that his fiendish plan has worked. One of the knives has punctured the lid on the container, allowing tiny luminous green droplets to ooze through.

Salem- (Cont.) There’s no stopping genius!

A stray knife clunks him on the head producing another yelp.

Salem- (Cont.)<Sob-Sob!>

Int. Victor’s mansion. And it is. A long curved driveway runs up to the front doors of the two winged structure. Inside, the party is underway and the band is playing. Sabrina wends her way amongst the dancing guests with Victor’s hand protectively resting on her shoulder.

Sabrina- What an amazing house. Is that The Goo Goo Dolls?

Victor- Yep, they’re my friends.

They play ‘Big Machine’ When they finish the song, everybody claps.

John Rzeznik- We’ll take a little break and be right back.

They leave the stage as more sedate music is played over the speakers.

Sabrina- I can’t believe you have The Goo Goo Dolls here. Morgan loves The Goo Goo Dolls. I should call her.

Victor throws all such thoughts from Sabrina’s mind by spinning her round into his arms and holding her close to dance. She looks up into his intense eyes.

Victor- You are everything that I have been looking for.

Sabrina- On second thoughts, she can just buy herself the CD. So who’s performing here tomorrow?

Victor- The three tenors. Oh that reminds me, I have to stock the pantry full of luncheon meats.

As they dance round Sabrina notices an Asian man come from behind a curtain by the wall. He comes over to Victor and interrupts their dance.

Asian Businessman- Mister Victor, I must congratulate you. It is the rarest collection I have seen yet.

Victor- Well perhaps we can do business. Let me walk you out. (To Sabrina) Sabrina, please excuse me.

Sabrina- No problem.

He kisses the back of her hand gallantly and leaves with the Asian chap. Sabrina’s curiosity gets the better of her and she weaves her way through the dancers towards the curtain where the businessman came from.

Sabrina- Excuse me... Pardon... Sorry, not cutting in, just cutting through.

She eventually reaches the curtain and pulls it aside to reveal as solid steel door with a keypad lock at it’s centre, but that wont be a problem for her. She points at the lock and realises she has a problem.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Oh right, no magic! Well I guess I’ll have to do this with smarts, with know how, with... redial!

She presses the redial button on the keypad and the rather glaring security flaw gains her entry.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You’ve gotta love today’s technology.

She slips through the door. She makes her way down the steep stone steps into the basement. It’s more a dungeon with bare stone walls and the sound of dripping water and also in so much as at the bottom she finds a barred cell. The signs hanging on the bars read ‘Mermaid’ and sure enough, sitting in a bath with a dripping tap is a mermaid complete with fish tail.

Sabrina- Whoa!

She backs away in surprise and nearly comes a cropper as a giant Sasquatch reaches through the bars of its cell, that has a sign saying ‘Sasquatch’ hanging on them, to have a swipe at her with razor-sharp claws. She ducks out of its way and aside to the cell containing the witch’s pointy black hat and a broomstick with the sign hanging from the bars saying ‘Witch’

Sabrina- (Horrified) <Gasp!> Kazoo!

She can’t believe what she is seeing.

Sabrina- (Cont.) He wants to cage me?!

Angus- Oh boy, we’ve got a bright one.

Sabrina turns round to find another occupied dungeon cell. A tiny little guy in the green outfit is holding the bars below a sign reading ‘Leprechaun’ She walks over to him.

Sabrina- Are you a real leprechaun?

Angus- Heck no! Just some short Irish guy who happened to be caught drinking a shamrock shake.

Sabrina- Well is everyone else in here a fake?

Angus- Well, I believe the mermaid has implants but little Bigfoot is real. The only thing Victor feeds him is campers.

Sabrina- Oh well, when Victor said he was a collector, I had no idea. I’m going to free all of you, I swear but first I have to deal with this sicko!

She heads back to the stairs and passes a display on the bare stone wall. She stops and stares at it furiously.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I can’t believe he has all fifty quarters!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Having got access to a few drops of Sabrina’s magic, Salem turns his attention to the magic book and finds what he’s looking for.

Salem- (Reading) ‘Reversing a human to cat spell. Make me human, make me whole, I’m sick of eatin’ from a bowl!’

The magic shimmers over Salem and with a slight ‘Pop!’ his right front paw becomes a human foot.

Salem- (Cont.) Oh, now the litter sand is gonna get stuck between my toes!

He wiggles said toes.

Int. Victor’s mansion. Victor is seeing off the last of his guests and the band. Sabrina tries to slip past with them but he sees her.

Victor- There you are.

Sabrina- Hey! Where-where’s everyone going?

Victor- Oh, everyone left, y’know. Which is good, right? Because that means you and I can be alone.

Sabrina- Yeah, that’s great but um, y’know, I’m feeling a little peckish. I don’t suppose you have any crackers or-or a cheeseburger’d be great and, if it’s not too much trouble, a soufflé.

Victor- Hey, you know what? I’ll see what we have. I think The Goo Goo Dolls left some sushi.

Sabrina- Oh, I like my sushi well done!

Victor slips away and Sabrina delves into her handbag, pulls out her cell phone and hits speed dial.

Int. Boston Radio FM. In the studio Roxie’s on air hosting the Chick Chat show.

Roxie- (On air) We’re talking about girls who ditch their girlfriends as soon as a guy comes along.

A light flashes on her console. She presses the button.

Roxie- (Cont.) You’re on the air. Were you ditched?

Sabrina- Roxie, it’s me, Sabrina.

Roxie- Oh, it’s not the ditchee, it’s the ditcher.

Sabrina- I need your help!

Roxie- Of course you do... NOW!

Sabrina- Seriously Rox, this guys nuts!

Roxie- Who? Mister Cashmere sock wearing art gallery after show thrower?

Sabrina- Well, I don’t learn his last name but it can’t be that long. He wants to add me to his gruesome collection!

Roxie- That’s right. Put down the other girls if it makes you feel better. Let’s take another call.

She hits another lit button.

Int. Victor’s Mansion. Sabrina got her phone to her ear.

Sabrina- No, Roxie, don’t hang up on me!

But it’s already too late. Sabrina can only look at her cell phone in dismay. She hits another speed dial button.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Harvey is still fast asleep with one hand in his supper. The phone rings and Morgan enters from the living room and looks at Harvey in disgust. Harvey grunts in his sleep as Morgan leans down by his ear and yells.

Morgan- Harvey, the phone!

Harvey jerks upright.

Morgan- (Cont.) What the heck is this?

This is the elaborate and complicated equipment set up on the counter top by Salem to gain him access to Sabrina’s magic.

Harvey- Oh, er, I was just making some homemade jam.

He picks up the container of luminous green magic while the phone continues to ring.

Harvey- (Cont.) Zucchini jam.

Morgan pick up the phone.

Morgan- (On phone) Hello?

Sabrina- Morgan, it’s me!

Morgan- Oh, well if it isn’t Suzy Snooty, the society snob.

Sabrina- Look, this is important. Tell Harvey to come to Victor’s party with the Tupperware.

Morgan- It’s a Tupperware party?

Sabrina- Just tell him. He’ll know what I mean. Victor is...

Int. Victor’s mansion. Sabrina sees Victor coming.

Sabrina- (On phone) ...extremely handsome and hygienic and he lives at that big house on Post Road with the fountain full of peeing angels.

Victor- Who’s that?

Sabrina- Oh, my answering machine. (On Phone) Kazoo! Kazoo!

She switches off her phone.

Sabrina- (Cont.) (On Victor’s look) Oh, just saying hi to my cat.

Victor- Kazoo’s a weird name for a cat.

Sabrina- Oh, then you don’t wanna know about her sister, flugelhorn. Okay, well this has been really great but I really should get going.

She takes a step towards the door but Victor blocks her way.

Victor- Well that’s not gonna work for me.

Sabrina- Oh well, you know what they say. The guest is always right.

She tries to duck past him again but he gets in her way.

Victor- It’s the customer.

Sabrina- Actually no, I think it’s the guest. Um, why don’t we look it up and compare notes tomorrow over the phone? See ya!

She makes another attempt but there’s no way past him.

Victor- You know, I have been searching everywhere for a witch.

He moves forward forcing Sabrina to back away fearfully.

Victor- (Cont.) India, Guam, Wichita, and that seemed like a sure thing, and then poof! You suddenly appear.

Sabrina- Witch? You think I’m a witch? Yes okay, sometimes when someone gets in the express line with eleven items I get a little cranky, but...

Victor- (Interrupting) If you’re not a witch how did you make that massage chair magically appear?

Sabrina- I saw a guy on TV make the statue of liberty disappear, I mean, huh! How d’ya explain that?

Victor- Let’s go!

He’s done arguing, grabs her arm and drags her towards the steel door behind the curtain.

Sabrina- Victor, get real! If I don’t come home, my friends’ll be here in no time to save me!

Victor- Your friends? You mean the two girls you ditched at the gallery? It hardly seemed like they were your friends.

He punches the pass code into the door lock and pulls Sabrina through into the dungeon and a new life as an exhibit.

Int. Spellman living room. Morgan’s curled up on the settee almost nodding off but is jerked back awake by Harvey throwing his arms up.

Harvey- (Mouth full of popcorn) Score!

Morgan- I just don’t understand?

Harvey- Well hockey is a very complicated game.

Morgan- No. Why are they showing this on TV?

Harvey glares at her as Roxie enters from work looking unhappy.

Morgan- (Cont.) Hey Rox. Are you okay?

Roxie- I don’t know. Sabrina called me at the radio station and I blew her off. I think she might have wanted to talk.

Morgan- Oh she couldn’t have been too upset. She called here to ask Harvey to bring some Tupperware to Victor’s party. (Sarcastic) Huh, that’s a rave.

Harvey- What?!

Harvey does the unthinkable. He turns off the hockey.

Roxie- How did she sound?

Morgan- Sick. Sneezing all over the place. Catchoo! Catchoo!

Roxie- Are you sure it wasn’t kazoo?

Morgan- Why would someone sneezing say... Oopsie.

Roxie- She was calling us for help and we ignored her!

Harvey- (Leaping to his feet) Sabrina’s in trouble... I’ll get the Tupperware!

He jumps over the back of his chair and runs for the kitchen leaving two confused girls in his wake.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is sat on the counter licking his human toes.

Salem- Hmm! I’d forgotten how good this feels.

Harvey runs in and grabs the container of magic from the top of the refrigerator. He turns to run back into the living room but notices Salem and his strange appendage.

Harvey- Salem, what happened?

Salem- These little piggies went to the freak show. Help me, Harvey.

Harvey- Okay.

He takes the lid of Sabrina’s magic, gets the teeniest bit onto the tip of his finger and dabs it onto Salem.

Harvey- (Cont.) Here’s some magic. Do something about that foot. It’s disgusting.

Harvey puts the Tupperware container into a paper bag and leaves. Salem considers his foot.

Salem- I have to admit, it is unsightly. Magic spell gone kaput, help me fix this ugly foot!

There, all fixed. A fluffy, purple stiletto slipper makes all the difference.

Salem- (Wiggling his foot) Hmm, that’s better.

Int. The dungeon below Victor’s mansion. The cell with the ‘Witch’ sign on the bars is now occupied. Sabrina stands on the wrong side of the bars clinging to them with the black pointy witch hat on her head while Victor stands on the write side of them rubbing his hands together. The Sasquatch watches on with interest.

Sabrina- You’re making a mistake. I mean, if I was a witch I’d be able to magically cast a spell and...

Victor- (Interrupting) Silence!

Sabrina jumps at the sharpness of the command. A bell rings faintly above.

Victor- (Cont.) Oh, pizza’s here.

He heads up the stairs.

Angus- (Calling after) Don’t forget about the crazy bread!

Sabrina- (Taking off the pointy hat) I think he’s already had a few loaves of that all ready. This is all my fault! My friends tried to warn me. All they were doing was trying to protect me and all I did was treat them like dirt.

Angus- If I didn’t have friends, I wouldn’t be able to sneak under lines at six flags

Int. Victor’s mansion. The doorbell rings again and Victor answers the door for his pizza. He’s disappointed to find three people there instead, none of whom have any pizza with them. The barge in around him.

Roxie- Is Sabrina here?

Victor- No. I-I think she left with a Goo Goo Doll.

Morgan- There were party favours?

Int. The dungeon below Victor’s mansion. Sabrina stands at her bars listening with all her might.

Angus- It sounds like there are more than just one pizza boy up there.

Sabrina- Maybe it’s my friends. Okay, I’ve got to think.

She looks around the sparse dungeon cell.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ve got to come up with a plan.

Anything that might be useful to her in such dire straits.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ve got to find out what kind of conditioner that mermaid uses.

Int. Victor’s mansion.

Victor- See, everyone’s gone!

Morgan- Oh yeah? Well I think you’re lying!

She gets right up in his face and doesn’t like what she sees there. She turns sharply for the door.

Morgan- (Cont.) Come on you guys, let’s go. I hate liars.

Before they reach the door they hear a muffled roar and spin back round.

Roxie- What was that?

Victor- Must have been the pipes.

They accept his explanation and turn once more for the door but the roar comes again, only longer.

Harvey- And that?

Victor- Oh, y’know, I just remembered. My Moroccan friend is getting a bikini wax.

Int. The dungeon below Victor’s mansion. Sabrina jabs and pokes at the giant Sasquatch through the bars with her witches broomstick. Bigfoot roars in anger.

Int. Victor’s mansion. The roaring is becoming almost continuous. Roxie and Morgan exchange a knowing glance and turn their attention back to Victor. Morgan smiles and links her arm through his.

Morgan- Victor, you like art, right? Now, you know, a lot of people tell me that-that I remind them of that painting ‘Venus on a half shell’

While Victor’s distracted by Morgan’s ample charms, Roxie and Harvey, with his paper bag, slip by behind them.

Morgan- (Cont.) What do you think?

Victor- Venus?

He eyes her up and down.

Victor- (Cont.) Yeah, baby...

Roxie- (Whispering to Harvey) Go!

Harvey slips off to search the mansion.

Harvey- (Whispering) Sabrina! Sabrina!

While he has no idea where to find his friend, the bag of magic in his hand is attracted write too her. It drags Harvey to the curtain with the steel door behind it lake an iron filing to a magnet. He pulls it away and it drags him back again so he pulls the curtain aside and sees the door.

Harvey- (Cont.) She must be in there.

Getting past the combination lock will be tricky though as Harvey doesn’t think laterally enough for the redial button. So he simply takes the top of the Tupperware container and lets the magic do its stuff. It leaps from the container like a long green snake and into the steel door. It takes a couple of goes but it finally slides into the lock mechanism and the door swings open. Harvey follows the green snake of magic down the stairs.

Int. The dungeon below Victor’s mansion. Sabrina’s magic shoots down the stairs and makes a loop straight to the witch, (It must have know where to go because of the sign on the bars) and enters her by the most convenient orifice; her mouth.

Angus- And I’m the one with the drinking problem?

Sabrina- (Pulling her face) Ew! Oh that’s right. It’s diet goo!

Harvey arrives.

Harvey- Sabrina, are you okay?

Sabrina- I’m fine.

She points at herself and simply walks through the bars and the sign.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh, thanks, Harvey.

The Sasquatch growls.

Harvey- Oh my God, it’s so big and hairy!

Sabrina- Ah, don’t worry, Harvey, it’s in a cage.

Harvey- No, (Pointing) There’s a spider!

Sabrina- Come on, Harvey, let’s blow this joint!

They dash for the stairs but are blocked by Victor.

Victor- Going somewhere?

They back away from him and Harvey puts himself protectively between Sabrina and Victor.

Harvey- Sabrina, I know you’re all grown up now and you don’t want to use your magic but...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Yeah, whatever!

She points around Harvey at Victor who vanishes in a swirl of sparkles for all of a second. The problem for Victor is that he’s back but on the inside of the Sasquatch’s cage. This makes the Sasquatch very happy and while Victor tries desperately to fend off the giant monster, Sabrina turns to Harvey.

Sabrina- Look Harvey, I’ve learned something tonight. There are two things I’m very lucky to have. My friends and my magic and I wouldn’t give them up for anything.

Victor- I should have stuck with stamps! Aargh!

Sabrina- My work here is done.

They head for the stairs.

Angus- Wait! What about us?

Sabrina- Oh, sorry. I complete forgot! Er, mermaid, Sasquatch, back to your homes.

She flicks her fingers and the mystical creatures vanish from their cells.

Sabrina- (Cont.) So, Angus, where would you like to go?

Angus- Well I’ve got a wife and twelve kids back in Ireland.

Sabrina- Ireland it is...

Angus- (Interrupting) Wait, are you nuts? Send me to Vagas.

Sabrina- Ireland it is.

Angus- I’ll give ye some of my pot o’ gold! (On Sabrina’s look) Worth a shot.

She points and with a sparkly swirly, it’s back to Ireland for Angus.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) Let’s go.

Int. Victor’s mansion. Sabrina and Harvey come out from behind the curtain.

Roxie & Morgan- Sabrina!

Sabrina- Roxie! Morgan!

They run into a three way hug.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I am so-so-so-so sorry! I took you both for granted, I was a lousy friend and I borrowed your clothes without telling you... Wait, that wasn’t part of it, but I’m really sorry about that too.

Morgan- Sabrina, it’s okay. We forgive you.

Roxie- We just want you to be happy and safe.

Sabrina- I know, I know. You guys are like my family.

They hug again.

Harvey- Okay-Okay, enough hugging! Let’s bolt!

Sabrina- Yeah, let’s get out o’ here.

The all run for the front door but when they pull open the double doors they’re confronted by a mad eyed Victor with a chainsaw. They all scream in fright at the thought of the Boston chainsaw massacre!

Victor- Relax, I’m just going to cut some firewood. Would you all please leave?

They edge passed him with Sabrina bringing up the rear. As she passes he leans towards her.

Victor- (Cont.) You may be a witch but you don’t impress me with all your fairy dust, sparkly...

That’s as far as he gets before the sparkly fairy dust sends him some place other than here.

Sabrina- (To her finger, smiling.) Nice to have you back.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina’s suffering the results of walking out into a blizzard in a low cut summer top. She’s caught a cold and sits at the table with a red nose, a box of Kleenex and Salem. It’s not clear which is making her feel sorrier for herself; The cold or Salem.

Salem- It was terrible! Do you know how hard it is to shop for one sensible pump in a size eleven wide?

Sabrina- Not now, Salem, I’m feeling miserable. <Atchoo!>

Salem backs away with a yelp as Morgan and Roxie come down stairs.

Morgan- Sabrina, we’re just on our way to... Are you sick?

Sabrina- Yes I am, very.

Aunt Roxie- I’ll make chicken soup.

Aunt Morgan- I’ll get the thermometer.

Roxie- Wait, we’re doing it again.

Sabrina- Yeah, it’s okay. Do it.

Morgan- Yep. We’re being her aunts.

Sabrina- Be them!

Roxie- See you later, Sabrina.

With a wave, they leave.

Sabrina- (Calling after) No! But I’m feeling lousy here, guys! Aunty Morgan! Aunty Roxie! Antihistamine! <Sob!>

Run credits.