Shift Happens

Written By – Torian Hughes
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Harvey - Nate Richert
Cole - Andrew Walker
Leonard - John Ducey
Annie - Diana-Marie Riva
James - Bumper Robinson
Baby K2K – Da Brat
Chip – Sean Whalen
Judge Malloy – Suanne Spoke
Bob – Matt Winston
Judy – Jossie Thacker
Bailiff #1 – Mark Craig

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman living room. The ornaments are in serious jeopardy because of the flying fists and feet of Roxie and Morgan who have turned to kick boxing to music for their morning work out. They have the music cranked up loud and are working up a sweat while Salem sits a safe distance away enjoying the show. Sabrina comes down stairs.

Sabrina- Morning guys.

Morgan- Hey, Sabrina. Wanna for some kick boxing?

Sabrina- Oh, no thanks, I gotta go to work. Besides, I prefer the mellower marshal arts like Ti-chi, judo or gun play.

The front doorbell rings and Sabrina answers it.

Sabrina- Oh, hey Chip. What’s up?

Their rather dorky, balding neighbour, Chip, with his shirt buttoned all the way up and tie-less, isn’t happy. He, very rudely, barges past Sabrina into the house.

Chip- The whole bleeding neighbourhood, thanks to your music!

Sabrina- Oh sorry. They’re auditioning for the new Rocketts show. Yeah, Rocketts kick butt... on ice. (On his look) I’ll go turn it down.

Roxie- Oh give me a break! It’s not even loud.

Chip- And last night, your pizza deliveryman turned around in my driveway leaving a big oil stain!

Roxie- Are you sure that’s not from when you were combing your hair?

Morgan- Look, we don’t complain when you stand out on your balcony and videotape us in our back yard!

Chip- I’m neighbourhood watch captain!

Roxie- What, you’re making sure nobody steals our bathing suits, you pervert?

It looks like it’s about to come to blows but Sabrina jumps between them.

Sabrina- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Time out! Time out!

Darn. My money was on Roxie.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Can’t we handle this rationally? Chip, we’ll try to keep it down. Thanks for dropping by.

She ushers him firmly towards the door.

Chip- See that you do! Because I’m letting you off easy, now. Don’t make me get ugly!

Roxie- I’d say that ship has sailed.

Sabrina- Okay, well sorry about the noise and we’ll see you around the neighbourhood, okay? Yeah, and by the way, your roses are gorgeous.

Chip- It’s October; they’re dead.

Sabrina- Well I’m sure you did everything you could. Good bye.

She closes the door in his face.

Roxie- Way to tell him off, Sabrina.

Morgan- Yeah, we didn’t do anything wrong. Why didn’t you stand up to him?

Sabrina- Look, I know the guys a jerk, but he lives across the street. It’s just easier to get along with him.

Morgan- Sabrina: a history lesson. Not too many years ago, during a little something called World War Two, everyone said "Let’s get along with this guy" and he nearly took over all of Europe. That man was Rudolf Hitler.

Having made her point, Morgan turns and walks into the kitchen. Sabrina and Roxie exchange amused glances.

Sabrina- Well at least she knows there was a war.

Run opening credits.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Cole is hard at work playing with Leonard’s dolly... Ahem, I mean action figure. Leonard isn’t happy about it.

Leonard- No, seriously, Cole. Give it back. You’re gonna break it.

Cole- Toys break, Leonard; It’s all part of playing with them, and just between us, it’s not helping your image that you care so much about a doll.

Leonard- Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Man, that’s rich. Barbie is a doll. Maxi-Man is an action figure. Now give him back.

Cole hands Leonard his dol... action figure.

Leonard- And his tights.

Cole gives him the pink tights while in the Kitchen area Sabrina is sat at a table drinking a mug of coffee when Annie comes down from her office.

Sabrina- Good morning Annie. How’s it going?

Annie- Why do you ask?

Sabrina- Just making small talk.

Annie- Make it smaller.

Annie pours herself a cup of coffee.

Sabrina- Hi Annie. (On Annie’s look) I’m startin’ to grow on ya, huh?

Annie ignores Sabrina smile and rallies the troops round the conference table.

Annie- Okay people, gather up. Assignments. Okay, there’s a street luge competition up in North Andover...

Sabrina- (Hand in the air) Oh! Oh! I can do that. I have street luged. Well, actually, I slid down a snowy hill on a cafeteria tray... but I ended up in the street. It’s really a cute story. (On everyone’s look) Still growin’ huh?

Annie- James, take the luge and get some art. Remember, a wipe-out’s a good shot but a bone poking through skin’s even better.

James- Oh. What do I get for a decapitation?

Sabrina- Well maybe, if you’re lucky, a cool hat.

Annie- Okay. With the new James Bond movie coming out, Aston Martin has arranged for a test drive of the new V-twelve...

Sabrina- (Hand raised) Oh! I can do that story. I have an Impeccable driving record; I’ve never been in an accident. Although there seems to be a lot around me.

Annie- Right. Cole, you take that.

Cole- (Delighted) Yes! Annie, I could give you a big kiss!

He thinks better of it after Annie’s glare.

Leonard- Hey, maybe I should come along with you on that; you need someone to scout for smokeys.

Cole- Okay, but we’re not stopping at Hickory Farms.

Leonard- And suddenly someone’s too big for free samples.

Annie- Abate! Okay, Baby K2K is performing at Club Terminus. I need someone to interview her and then cover the show.

There’s a sudden lack of eagerness as people try to look busy or become invisible. Sabrina doesn’t pick up on the general vibe.

Sabrina- (Hand in the air) Oh, I’ll do that.

Annie- You got it.

She hands Sabrina a folder.

Annie- (Cont.) There’s the background info. Meeting over.

The people disperse.

Sabrina- (Excited) I scored a big interview. Whoo-hoo! (Realising) Wait, that was too easy. (To James) Hey, what’s the deal with Baby K2K? She’s just a hip-hop singer, right?

James- Baby K2K is foulmouthed, confrontational and perpetually angry... and that’s just from her publicist.

Cole- Oh yeah. She is one aggressive chick! She was asked to leave a party at Denis Rodman’s house.

Sabrina- Oh, it’s all just an act. I mean, she probably pretends to be angry to sell records.

She flips open the folder and reads some of the background info.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Whoa! Has she ever had a picture not taken by the sheriffs department? I’ve been set up! That’s it, I’m gonna go and tell Annie I’m not doing it.

Annie- Not doing what?

Sabrina turns round to find Annie stood right behind her. For a big girl, Annie can move very quietly.

Sabrina- Not... going to skip work... to build the Whitehouse out of sugar cubes. Sorry Leonard, you’re on your own.

Leonard looks around confused.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina’s been comfort baking. The counter is piled high and Salem struggles to find room to sit on the table as Sabrina brings over yet another tray of fresh baked brownies.

Salem- Someone’s stressing!

Sabrina- Oh please, I’m not stressing. Can’t a person make... y’know, six dozen brownies?

Salem- Yeah. If that person has pointed ears and lives in a hollow tree.

Sabrina- Okay, maybe I am stressing a little bit. I’ve got to do this interview with Baby K2K.

There’s a sharp intake of breath from Salem before he flies out through the cat flap like a rocket.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(To the space that Salem used to occupy) So you’ve heard of her.

Roxie comes down stairs with a handful of CD’s.

Roxie- Oh boy, I like it when you’re stressing. We eat really well.

Sabrina- Are those the Baby K2K CD’s?

Roxie- (Showing them to her) Yep. I’ve got ‘Work release’, ‘Rap sheet’...

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Coroners report’?

Roxie- That’s her holiday album.

Sabrina- Yeah, Santa’s toe tag says ‘Merry Christmas’

Roxie- I’m just curious. Aren’t you afraid of doing this interview?

Sabrina- Huh! I’m not intimidated by her. I mean, I can stand up to anyone if I have to.

She wraps a plate of brownies in Clingfilm.

Roxie- By bringing her brownies?

Sabrina- No. These aren’t for her. Give me a break. What kind of a suck-up do you think I am?... I’m bringing this to our neighbour, Chip.

Roxie- You’re taking them over to that jerk?

Sabrina- No... Well... I... The man just lost his roses! Have you no heart?

Int. Baby K2K’s house. Baby is giving her personal assistant, Judy, a hard time for bringing her baby to Baby’s.

Baby K2K- I ain’t believin’ you brought your kid up in here today!

Judy- I’m sorry, my nanny got sick.

Sabrina enters unseen.

Baby K2K- Well can’t you take the little brat to one of those places where you can just drop it off?

Judy- Well it’s hard to arrange day-care at the last minute.

Baby K2K- Day-care? I was talkin’ about the park! I’ve gotta go wash this nasty kid smell off o’ me.

She leaves for the bathroom. Sabrina comes fully into the room.

Sabrina- Er excuse me. I’m here to see Baby K2K.

Judy- Oh my God! Did she hurt you?

Sabrina- No-no-no. I’m Sabrina Spellman.

Judy- Oh, er right. Erm, I’ll let her know you’re here.

She goes to the intercom and gingerly pushes the button before glancing nervously at Sabrina.

Baby K2K- (Over the intercom) Is that a buzz? You did not just buzz me!

Sabrina- Er, maybe you shouldn’t have buzzed her.

Judy- Okay. Just don’t look her directly in the eye. She’ll charge.

Sabrina- I wish someone would have told me that before I decided to wear red.

She indicates her red leather jacket. Baby K2K storms in looking ready to kill.

Baby K2K- (To Judy) Do I look like your bellhop?

Judy can only stand and shake her head,

Baby K2K- (Cont.)(To Sabrina) And what do you want?

Judy- Good luck. I’m going to hide the baby.

Sabrina- Er, is there room in that stroller for two?

Judy shakes her head and leaves quickly. Sabrina turns to the aggressive rapper.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’m from Scorch magazine and wanted to ask you a few questions.

Baby K2K- (Interrupting) Back it up, Lois Lane. I’m over you reporters steppin’ to me like you know me. Don’t none o’ y’all know me!

Sabrina- Was I steppin’ to you? Because I-I didn’t mean to be steppin’ to you. I-I, maybe on you... No-no I well I’ll just step away from you.

Baby K2K- Just ask your questions but don’t come up here with no stupid ones ‘cause I don’t play that.

A cell phone rings.

Baby K2K- (Cont.) Too slow! I gotta talk to grown folks now. (On phone) What?!

Sabrina cringes in fright and decides it’s time for a little anger management.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Er, I’m not afraid that she might strike me but I’ll do much better if I make her like me.

She points at Baby K2K while her back is turned talking on the phone and activates her spell.

Baby K2K- (On phone) Okay. I gotta go know. Bye. (To Sabrina) Know, er where were we? I’m sorry.

Sabrina- Oh er, well I was gonna ask you about your upcoming show, unless that would be prying?

Baby K2K- No, you can ask me anything. You really seem like someone I could talk to. (Putting her arm around Sabrina) Come on in, let’s chat. We’ll order smoothies. Whoo-hoo!

She leads Sabrina into her private quarters.

Int. Spellman living room. Morgan has worn Harvey out with her kickboxing exercise regime. Salem watches while Harvey doubles over talking a breather. Morgan just keeps going as does the music.

Morgan- Come on, Harvey. I thought you wanted to get fir for hockey?

Harvey- <Pant!> I just want to work on my speed so when a fight breaks out, I can skate away with my teeth intact.

The doorbell rings and Roxie answers it.

Roxie- (Calling out) Evil neighbour alert!

Chip- Whoever parked their rusty out Corolla in front of my house, may I remind you that it’s my curb. You can’t park there.

Morgan- That’s Harvey’s car. He’s our friend; he can park there.

Chip- And what happens if I have a friend come over?

Roxie- Then he can park his imaginary car in his imaginary spot.

Morgan- Oh, but be careful of imaginary street cleaning on Tuesdays.

Chip- (Pointing at Roxie) Look, smart Alec and (Pointing at Morgan) idiot Alec, you’re gonna feel a lot differently when I call the police on you.

Roxie- If you keep harassing us, you’re gonna wish all we did was park in front of your house!

Chip- Don’t you threaten me!

Roxie- Why are you standing here still arguing? Isn’t it time to go home and danced with momma?

Chip- Ha! (Checks his watch) Oh!

He runs off, clearly late. Roxie looks disgusted as she closes the door.

Int. Club Terminus. Sabrina weaves through the crowd to the table occupied by Cole and Leonard.

Sabrina- Hey guys.

Cole- Hey-hey, look at that, she lives. Got through a Baby K2K interview with no scratches and no bruises.

Leonard- Well not that we can see. The emotional wounds take the longest to heal... if they ever do.

Sabrina- Actually, the interview went fine. It was a little rocky at first but I found a way to charm her.

James arrives sporting a psychedelic shirt and a red felt cap.

James- Hey.

Cole- Hey James. It’s a good look for you, man. Too bad the band was never called The Jackson Six.

James- Ha-ha-ha! You’re jealous. You’re jealous because my music industry connections got me the MC gig here tonight.

Leonard- You’re MC? James, my man.

He raises his hand to high five but James lets him hang.

James- I know I’m a man. Save it for them athletes.

He walks away and Sabrina spots a familiar face at another table.

Sabrina- Oh, there’s Annie. I’m gonna go and say ‘hi’

She walks over to Annie’s table where she’s in conversation with a man.

Sabrina- Hi Annie.

Annie- (Looking up) I’m on a date.

Sabrina- Does he know that? (To the guy) I’m Sabrina.

Annie- Er, he doesn’t speak! That’s why I like him.

Sabrina gives up and returns to the guys table just as James struts onto the stage. The DJ and his dancers drop the music as James reaches the microphone.

James- Alright! Who’s ready to get that party on?

There’s a cheer from the dance floor.

James- Listen up! If you’ve got a weak heart, you’d better dial nine-one-one right now because it’s about to get dangerous I can tell. She’s mean! She’s bad! She’s nuts! Baby K2K!

The crowd go wild as Baby K2K saunters onto the stage with her boom box and whispers something to the two dancers who are there. They stop and so does the DJ. Baby K2K puts down her stereo and turns it on before stepping to the microphone.

Baby K2K- (Singing) We’ve only just begun to live.
White lace and promises.
A kiss for luck and we’re on our way...

The dancers try to follow her movements as she dances to the old Carpenters standard. The crowd is a sea of silent confusion.

Cole- Have you any idea what this is about?

Sabrina- It’s a tender tribute to a new marriage, really.

Cole- The music choice. It’s er, it’s so not her.

Leonard- You know, normally the rappers scare me but this is quit enjoyable.

Annie arrives and grabs Sabrina.

Annie- Was she like this during your interview with her?

Sabrina- She was nice, if that’s what you mean.

Cole- Did you drug her?

Sabrina- No!

Annie- Did you take her off drugs?

Sabrina- We just talked and we hit it off. I even did my Marsha Brady impression for her. Yeah, she found it really funny.

Annie- I want that article first thing on my desk tomorrow morning.

Sabrina- Tomorrow! But...

Annie- (Interrupting) Oh save the whining for your birthday party. Tomorrow morning, on my desk. Got it?

There’s a sudden and startling change.

Sabrina- Whoa! Back it up bosszilla! Do I look like someone who’ll be working all night for you?

Annie- Pardon me?

Sabrina- I’m up here trying to get my groove on and I got you all up in my girl sweating me about some article for your funky little rag! Well I’m sorry but I play that!

Annie- Forget the article! I’ll see you first thing tomorrow morning!

She turns and storms off. Sabrina stands aggressively glaring after her for a moment but then something clicks back into place. She turns to Cole, Leonard and James.

Sabrina- Did I just say what I thing I said?

Cole- U-hu.

James- Where did that come from?

Baby K2K- (Singing) ...And when the evening comes we smile.
So much of life ahead...

Sabrina looks up at the stage.

Sabrina- Er, I think I know where that came from.

Int. Spellman living room. With her aunts away, there aren’t that many people she can discuss her magical catastrophes with but she finds someone.

Sabrina- All I can figure is that, somehow, Baby K2K and I switched personalities.

Harvey- What do you mean, somehow? Did you cast a spell?

Sabrina- No!... (On Harvey’s look) ...Well maybe a little one but, believe me, you would have too. She was scary.

Harvey- How scary?

Sabrina- Remember our class trip to the hotdog factory?

He shudders with remembered fright.

Harvey- So what was the spell?

Sabrina- Nothing really. I just had to make her like me... (Realising) Oh my God! I wanted her to like me, not become like me! And, somehow, I ended up like her... except without the money and fame.

Harvey- Well it happened so just apologise to your boss and she’ll forget it.

Sabrina- Annie doesn’t forget things.

Salem arrives.

Salem- Well thank you very much.

Sabrina- What?

Salem- Would it kill ya to save one brownie for the cat? What good is seafood fancy feast without dessert?

Sabrina- Sorry Salem.

Salem- Sorry? Well sorry doesn’t have doesn’t walnuts, does it?!

Something snaps out of place.

Sabrina- Do I look like someone who’s running a kitty kitchen? I’ll sell your smelly carcass to the puppet show you overfed, fat ferret!

Salem backs away shocked at the naked aggression in Sabrina’s voice. Harvey braves the fury to pull Sabrina away as the slips back into place.

Harvey- It has not gone away.

Sabrina- I don’t know what makes this happen but I have to fix it. I’m going to call Spell Check.

She punches her magically sparking finger at thin air and gets the key tones. A silver wall phone appears without a wall and just floats in mid air with it’s speakerphone on.

Bob- (Recorded message) This is Bob at Bob’s Spell Check. If you need help with a spell, leave a message. Si usted necesita ayuda con un spell, deje un mensaje.

Sabrina- Buen dia, soy Sabrina... Oh wait a minute, I don’t speak Spanish. Hi Bob, this is Sabrina. I need help, come as quick as you can.

The phone vanishes just as the doorbell rings.

Harvey- Wow! He’s fast.

Sabrina goes to answer the door but it’s not Bob.

Sabrina- Oh, hi neighbour.

Roxie comes down stairs.

Roxie- Well if it isn’t Chip the dip.

Chip- Funny. Let’s see if you can laugh this off.

He walks in and hands Roxie a plain buff E4 envelope.

Chip- (Cont.) I’m taking you to small claims court.

Sabrina- What for?

Chip- I think you know.

Sabrina- Roxie, what did you do?

Roxie- Okay, okay. I-I snook into his yard and I-I mixed his plastic recyclables with his glass.

Sabrina- Roxie-Roxie. You know, it’s not too late to turn back from this life of crime.

Chip- What on earth are you two talking about? (Too Roxie) You scratched the word ‘Loser’ in my car.

Roxie- What?! I did not! Although it would be truth in advertising.

Morgan enters quietly.

Morgan- (Aside to Harvey) What’s going on?

Harvey- Something about crime and court and... I wasn’t following; I was playing with a ball of spit on my tongue.

He sits down on the settee while Morgan looks at him with disgust.

Chip- (To Roxie) I’ll see you in court.

He leaves.

Sabrina- Okay, everybody stay calm, we can handle this. It’s gonna take more than brownies but I’ll make pecan sandies.

She heads for the Kitchen but Roxie stops her.

Roxie- Cookies aren’t gonna do it. That’s why I need you to come with me to court and be a character witness.

Sabrina- Don’t worry. We’ll all be there to support you.

Morgan- Oh absolutely! I hope you get Judge Reinhold, I think he’s cute.

Sabrina- Don’t worry, I’ll be there to support you.

Roxie- Yeah, and I’ll understand, Morgan, if you have an appointment or... break a nail.

She leaves through the dining room.

Morgan- Oh, by the way Sabrina. You left a wet towel on the bathroom floor.

Sabrina- Oh, well I’ve been kind of been preoccupied, Morgan. I’ll get to it later.

Morgan- Excuse me. Later means mouldy grout. How hard is it just to throw it in the hamper?

There’s a sudden shift in the naughty/nice continuum.

Sabrina- Do I look like your cleaning lady?! What, are those arms painted on? Why don’t you pick it up Princess Lay-around?

Morgan- (Taken aback) Well! You know, you shouldn’t talk to me like that. I am a kick boxer and you are lucky that I don’t have my music on!

She stalks off as Sabrina slips back to herself.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) Oh man, this is gettin’ out o’ hand!

Harvey- Well she did kinda get in your face.

Sabrina- So did Salem... and so did Annie! That’s it! Every time someone pushes me a little too far, I switch into Baby K2K’s personality. (Checks her watch) Oh man, I’m late for work!

She turns to go.

Harvey- Hey wait! What are you gonna do about your boss?

Sabrina- I’m just gonna have to get in, apologise and get out before she sets me off and if that doesn’t work I’ll... kiss her. (On Harvey’s look) By the time she recovers I’ll be in Canada.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Sabrina slips past Cole to get to her desk.

Cole- Hey, mornings, Sabrina. Notice how I said morning? Not good, not bad. That’s your call. No need to get violent though.

James comes over to join them.

Sabrina- Hey look, I can explain, okay. I-I got a little cranky with Annie because I was up late the night before.

James- Oh, right. I’m sure you must have been up till, what, jive o’clock? I’ve never heard you talk like that before. You should be careful though, doing all that...

He copy’s Sabrina’s aggressive head movements from the night before.

James- (Cont.) ...You can get a serious neck injury.

Sabrina- That was just the way Annie and I talk to each other. You know, we’re like sisters. Y’know, we’re like, (Singing) Go sister, soul sister, giche-giche. Blah-blah-blah.

James leaves as Leonard arrives.

Leonard- Listen er Sabrina. Annie’s lookin’ for ya.

Sabrina- Oh, I know, Leonard.

Leonard- No, she wants to see you pronto.

Sabrina- Yeah, I got it. I’m just gonna grab a cup of coffee.

She heads for the kitchen area but Leonard blocks her path.

Leonard- Oh no. Let me make this er clear. Annie gave me a direct order to tell you to come see her. So if you don’t go see her, I’m the one who gets my action figures broken. Now get in there!

Pointing to Annie’s office. An action that causes something to slip off centre within Sabrina.

Sabrina- Okay, back it up, doll boy! Do I look someone who cares what happens to your silly toy collection?

She spins on her heals and stomps over to Leonard’s desk

Sabrina- (Cont.) Here, let me show you how much I care.

She picks up Maxi-Man.

Sabrina- (To Maxi-Man) What’s up dude?

She rips his left leg off.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh, now Maxi-Man can get the good parking space!

Sabrina’s little universe shifts back into place with a ping and she looks horrified at the legless Maxi-Man in her hands.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh no!

Leonard- I was so wrong about you!

He snatches the two parts of mangled Maxi-Man from Sabrina and runs off on the verge of tears and as a result doesn’t get to see the rather cool way that a tiny spec of light expands into a spectacles man in shirtsleeves and tie with a briefcase and a pocket protector for his pens.

Bob- Bob’s Spell Check! Is someone here have problems with their magic...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Magic eight-ball! Yeah, mine keeps saying ‘Ask again later’ It’s out here.

She takes his arm and guides him out the door.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Bob, you can’t just pop in!

Bob- All right. Like I’m going to drive in Boston.

Ext. Scorch Magazine. Sabrina and Bob come out of the offices.

Sabrina- Look, I cast a spell to make someone like me but she became just like me.

Bob- (Nodding) Syntax error.

Sabrina- Plus, I’ve taken on her traits.

Bob- Oh. Well that one may take some time.

Sabrina- No-no-no. I don’t have any time. You’ve gotta put it back the way it was. Go! Go!

He goes but unfortunately for Sabrina, Annie comes.

Annie- What do the words ‘Right away’ mean in the hood. Because where I come from they means right now!

Sabrina keeps her lips firmly sealed, not trusting herself to speak to Annie. It’s too hard, however, so she turns her back on her boss and uses a little magical help. She points at her lips to put on a magical gag.

Annie- (Cont.) Immediately! Not when the mood strikes. Do you understand what I’m saying?

Sabrina nods her head, gives an ‘Okay’ sign over her shoulder and runs away.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina enters from the kitchen, having removed her gag, to find Roxie flicking through the TV channels and Salem sat watching... silently.

Sabrina- Hey Roxie, what are you doin’?

Roxie- Trying to find Court TV. I’m doing some, last minute, cramming before my case tomorrow.

Sabrina- Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that, Rox.

Roxie- (Interrupting) Hey look. There’s your friend Baby K2K

TV Announcer- In light of her recent bizarre behaviour, an arm of paparazzi have surrounded her home, hoping to catch a glimpse of the notoriously prickly star.

The picture shows a crowd of newsies and cameramen outside Baby K2K’s front door. They all turn to the door as it opens and the rapper saunters out.

Baby K2K- (On TV) How long have you guys been out here?

No one answers.

Baby K2K- (Cont.) Well come on in! I’m bakin’ brownies and if you don’t like those, (To Reporter) Come on girl, I’ll make some pecan sandies. You all like pecan sandies?

Roxie- (To Sabrina) It’s no wonder you guys hit it off. She reminds me of you.

Sabrina- Come on, I’m not that eager to please... am I?

Roxie- You can’t help it. You’ll do anything to avoid confrontation.

Sabrina- That is not true!... But I don’t wanna get into it.

Roxie- Sabrina, you don’t have a mean word to say about anybody. That’s why you’re my main character witness.

Sabrina- Roxie, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I can’t testify for you.

Roxie- Why not?

Sabrina- Trust me, it wouldn’t be a good idea. I can’t explain.

Roxie- I know what this is about. You think I keyed that guys car!

Sabrina- No way, Roxie! I...

Roxie- (Interrupting) Well thanks for the vote of confidence, friend!

Roxie storms off to the kitchen.

Salem- So it isn’t me. You’re turning on everyone.

Sabrina- Salem, you’ve seen what’s been happening to me. If I were to lose it in a courtroom, I could really mess things up for Roxie.

Salem- Hey, it’s small claims court! What’s the worst that could happen? She gets sent up the river to the small house?

Sabrina- I’m sorry. I feel bad for her.

Int. Westbridge Small Claims Court. Judge Penny Malloy residing. A bailiff hands her the case file and walks away past the claimant, Chip, and the defendant, Roxie. Chip approaches the bench.

Chip- Miss King has absolutely no consideration for the rights of others. She needs to be punished for the good of the community!

He beats his fist on the judges bench.

Judge Malloy- Hey Matlock! This is small claims court; crank it down to about a five. Miss King, did you scratch his car?

Roxie- No, I’d never key a guys car... unless I was dating him.

Chip- Your honour, this woman has been constantly abusive to me!

Judge Malloy- Is that true, Miss King?

Roxie- Not really... Well, kind off... Erm sometimes. Do you like brownies?

The judge gives her a hard look.

Int. Small claims court anti-room. Sabrina is watching the proceedings through the door glass when Harvey enters.

Harvey- Sabrina, what are you doing here?

Sabrina- Oh this is so frustrating. That jerk is shredding Roxie and it’s ridiculous! She would never scratch anyone’s car! I mean, she gets goose bumps just sliding a chair across linoleum!

Harvey- Why don’t you go in and help?

Sabrina- I can’t. This spell hasn’t been lifted yet.

The bailiff stood just inside the courtroom opens the door.

Bailiff #1- Miss, you can’t stand in front of the doors.

Sabrina- Oh but my friend is...

Bailiff #1- (Interrupting) What, are you deaf? You either come in or stay away from the doors! Now move!

Harvey- Oh-ho!

Int. Westbridge Small Claims Court. Sabrina and Harvey enters and everyone looks around.

Sabrina- Stand back! Sabrina Spellman in da house!

Judge Malloy- What’s going on?

Roxie- Er Judge, I’d like to call my character witness.

Sabrina- Your honour, this man... (Points at Chip) ...is a neighbourhood menace. He’s rude, he’s obnoxious and I’m guessing his roses didn’t die; they took their own lives.

Judge Malloy- What do you think you’re doing?

Sabrina- Testifying, your honour. (Pointing to Roxie) Does this woman look like a vandal? No. (Pointing to Chip) Does this man look like a crotchety old crank? No... but he is. He’s a peeping Tom who doesn’t like music, children, or dogs and he is the sole reason that the ice cream man doesn’t come to out neighbourhood anymore! (To Chip) Isn’t that right, sir?

Chip- How many times can any human being listen to ‘It’s a small world’?

There’s a rumble of muttering from the gallery.

Judge Malloy- All right. Quiet! (To Roxie) You, young lady, have to control your attitude.

Chip- Thank you.

Judge Malloy- (To Chip) And you, pencil neck, need to stop complaining to your neighbours about every little thing and accusing people willy-nilly. It could have been anyone who scratched your car. In fact, if I lived next to a jerk like you, I might have done it too. Case dismissed!

She bangs her gavel to a small round of applause that shows that everyone is pleased with her decision except, of course, Chip.

Roxie- (To Sabrina) I knew you wouldn’t let me down.

Sabrina- Hey, what are friend for? But if it turns out you poisoned his rosebushes, I don’t know you.

Bob, from Bob’s Spell Check, enters and walks straight up to Sabrina with a clipboard.

Bob- Oh, here you are. Sorry it took so long.

Sabrina- Don’t worry about it. Just lift the spell already.

Bob- What do you mean? I fixed it an hour ago. Sigh here.

He hands her his clipboard and a pen.

Sabrina- But...?

Bob- (Interrupting) That other girls spell should be winding down any minute.

Int. Baby K2K’s house. Baby K2K is sat reading to Judy’s baby.

Baby K2K- Do you want me to read it again, sweetie?

With a ping, everything is right with the world again.

Baby K2K- (Cont.) Do I look like I wanna read it again?! I am not LeVar Burton! And this is not Reading Rainbow!

She throws down the book and storms from the room.

Int. Westbridge Small Claims Court. Sabrina hands Bob the clipboard after signing.

Bob- Okay, that should do it. Here’s my card. Don’t forget, I also fix faulty hexes, potions and garbage disposals.

He leaves and Harvey, who has been listening to their conversation. Joins Sabrina.

Harvey- One thing I can’t figure out. If the spell was lifted, what just happened here?

Sabrina- I guess it was all me! Turns out that if I really want to, and my friends are on the line, I can kick some serious butt! Yeah! That felt good. I was smokin’... I hope I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings?

Int. Scorch Magazine. The next morning. Sabrina enters and makes a beeline to Annie.

Sabrina- Annie, I just wanna say I’m sorry I had to bail on the Baby K2K story.

Annie- That’s it? You’re not gonna get all up in my face and snap your witty street talk at me?

Sabrina- No and, y’know, I feel really awful about that too.

Annie- Oh, it’s too bad. For a minute there I thought you might be getting interesting. Look, a word of advice: Find a personality and stick with it.

She turns and walks off to her office.

Sabrina- (To Herself)(Baby K2K style) I don’t know what makes her think she’s all that!

Run credits.