The Big Head

Written By – Bill Rosenthal & Andrew Borakove
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Cole - Andrew Walker
Leonard - John Ducey
Annie - Diana-Marie Riva
James - Bumper Robinson
Strum – Howard Dorough

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina’s about to leave for her first day at her new job and wakes up Salem, who’s dozing on the back of the chair, before she leaves.

Sabrina- Okay Salem, I’m off. Now you know the rules.

Salem- Yeah-yeah. No more sleeping in bras.

Sabrina- I’m serious! You talk in front of a mortal; you’re looking at another hundred years trapped in a cats body.

Salem- Oy!

Sabrina- (Calling into the kitchen) See you later guys!

Roxie and Morgan enter all excited. Morgan carrying a packed lunch in a brown paper bag and Roxie with a video camera.

Morgan- There’s our girl, off to her first day at work.

Roxie- They grow up so fast, don’t they?

Morgan- Now we know you’re going to be busy so Roxie made you a snack lunch.

She hands over the bag while Roxie catches the whole thing for posterity with her camera.

Sabrina- (Touched) Guys, I’m just going for my first day at work, not my first day at kindergarten. (Looks inside the bag) Hey! Where’s my juice box?

Roxie- So, nervous?

Sabrina- Not really. I’ve been a reporter for a while now.

Roxie- You were an intern.

Morgan- And this is a magazine. It’s totally different than a newspaper. It has colour pictures!

Sabrina- It’s all right guys, it’s just a job. Y’know, interviewing famous rock stars, hanging out with celebrities, staying ahead of trends, working with people a lot more experienced... Oh my God! Bag!

She uses the lunch bag to breath into to stop herself hyperventilating and quickly sits down.

Sabrina- Yuck! Tuna!

She puts the bag down.

Roxie- You’re gonna be great. Just be yourself.

Morgan- Or someone slightly more interesting.

Sabrina- You’re right, I’m fine. Salem, get off my jacket.

She shoos the cat off her white jacket and picks it up.

Roxie- Are you ready to knock ‘em dead?

Sabrina- (Pulling on her jacket) Yep! I feel confident. My hair looks good, my outfit looks good. Everything’s gonna be... good.

She picks up her lunch and turns towards the door which is when Roxie’s camera picks up a not so good flaw in the plan. The back of Sabrina’s white jacket has a Salem shaped area of black cat hair across it. Morgan and Roxie look at each other.

Morgan- Er, Sabrina…

Sabrina- (Turning) What?

Roxie- Watch your back.

Sabrina- That’s so sweet.

With a smile and a wave, it’s off to work she goes.

Run opening credits.

Int. Scorch Magazine. The new girls sitting alone at the conference table with her lunch. Leonard’s at the water cooler and after getting his paper cup of water he goes over to join her.

Leonard- Yeah, aqua. Where would we be without it.

Sabrina- Well I guess we’d pee a lot less.

Leonard- New girls got a naughty mouth. I like that.

He clearly intended to say that under his breath but forgot.

Sabrina- Er listen, I’m supposed to be meeting with Annie but I’ve been waiting so long, I might need to shave my legs again.

Leonard- Ha-ha. Hey, Annie’s concept of time is a little fluid. Probably have time to grab a latte... or grow a redwood. First day, huh?

Sabrina- Yeah. Y’know, first days are kinda hard.

Leonard- Yeah.

Sabrina- Lots of questions. What am I supposed to do? Where do I park? Who do I eat lunch with?

Leonard- I’ll eat lunch with you.

Sabrina- Oh, actually that was sort of rhetorical. (Indicating the bag) I’ve brought my lunch.

Leonard- Oh, your mom packs your lunch too, huh?

Sabrina- So, er Leonard right? What do you do here?

Leonard- Oh I’m er. I’m the publisher’s right hand man. His go to guy. His vice president of I’m losing my mind, help me put my pants on.

The photographer is passing and overhears.

James- He sells ad space. Oh Leonard, by the way, we need more toner.

James moves on but Leonard doesn’t know the meaning of embarrassment.

Leonard- I do many things, you know.

Sabrina- Er listen. I think I’m just gonna go knock on Annie’s door.

She gets up and heads for Annie’s office. Leonard follows.

Leonard- No, it’s just er, what I really am is er the ideas guy. Like my idea for the er Limp Biscuit scratch-and-sniff centerfold. Awesome, yeah?

Sabrina- Maybe if it smelled like biscuits.

Leonard- Ha.

Sabrina goes up the four or five steps to Annie’s office as Leonard takes a small tape recorder from his breast pocket, presses the record button and speaks into it.

Leonard- Make it smell like biscuits.

Sabrina overhears and shakes her head before knocking on Annie’s door.

Int. Annie’s office. Annie’s working at her computer when there a knock at her door. The door opens and Sabrina sticks her head in.

Sabrina- Um, excuse me. Hi, I’ve been waiting out here for a meeting and I suddenly thought that maybe...

Annie- (Interrupting) Sit.

Sabrina- Exactly.

She comes in, closes the door, pulls up a chair to the side of the desk and sits.

Sabrina- So, um, we met the other day. You’re the senior editor, right?

Annie- You’re very close.

Sabrina- Yeah, I knew you were up there because you have this amazing self-confidence.

Annie- You’re sitting very close. You’re practically on my lap.

Sabrina- Got ya.

She pulls her chair further away, giving Annie her personal space.

Sabrina- I’m a little nervous. You see, this job came out of nowhere and while I’m excited about it, I also don’t know what it is and I’m sure that once I stop talking, you’ll explain it to me.

Annie- Here’s the deal. Scorch Magazine focuses on everything and anything that’s cutting edge with an emphasis on music. Jonathan Culver, our publisher, thinks you’d bring a fresh perspective to the magazine.

Sabrina- But I do have a fresh perspective. I mean, I’m beyond fresh; I’m ripe! But that’s mostly from being nervous.

Annie sighs, clearly not liking Sabrina very much.

Sabrina- So er what’s my first assignment?

Annie- Why don’t you go and see if the intern wants some water?

Sabrina- Er wait a minute, I-I’m here to be a reporter. I mean, there’s got to be something I can report?

She notices the one remaining slip tacked to the notice board labeled ‘Open Assignments’ behind Annie’s desk.

Sabrina- Oh, what about this?

She reaches for it but Annie’s quicker as she snatches it away.

Annie- Nope! That’s taken.

Sabrina- By whom?

Annie- Me. I just took it. (On Sabrina’s look) Oh come on. Do you actually expect me to allow an unproven writer to interview a major rock star on her first day?

Sabrina- Come on. Look, I know you have low expectations of me and I promise I’ll meet them... I mean, exceed them!

Annie- (Considers) All right, fine. Your first assignment.

She hands Sabrina the slip.

Annie- You and our photographer, James, are going to The Cave to do a profile on Strum. (On Sabrina look) You do know who Strum is?

Sabrina- Oh sure, the musician. I love him. You know, I saw that film he did with Jacob Dylan, Strum and Strummer. Ha-ha.

Annie- Okay, the humour thing, the witty banter? I don’t do it.

Sabrina- Okay, right. No humour, no jokes. I-I won’t even say knock-knock when I enter.

She opens the door and backs out of the office.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Did I read about you? Are you the little girl who couldn’t smile?

The office door slams shut in her face.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Roxie and Morgan are eating lunch at the table. Salem has jumped up on to it and glares intently at Morgan.

Salem- (Thinking) Since I can’t ask you for the cream cheese, I’m going to stare at you until you give it up.

Morgan- Oh, I hate when this cat stares at me.

Roxie- At least you’ve got the end with eyes.

Morgan- Y’know, he jumps on the table, he gets on the couch. Sabrina’s aunts gave him way to much leeway. We’ve got to discipline him.

Roxie- Look Morgan, you’re not an animal person. If he’s on the table just say, ‘Kitty, get off the table.’

Salem- (Thinking) Yeah, look at me scamper.

Morgan- See? We’re just gonna have to train him.

Roxie- He’s a cat, Morgan. You don’t train cats, you just live with them in case you never get married.

Morgan- Well we’ll see about that.

She picks Salem up off the table and holds him face to face.

Morgan- (Cont.) It’s time to learn some manners Mr. Hair-all-over-the-place.

Salem- (Thinking) You should talk. You’ve got enough moustache to be an assistant coach.

Int. The Cave. Sabrina and James wait in Strum’s personal weight room.

Sabrina- So Mr. Strum spent so much money building a personal gym, he couldn’t afford a watch?

James- I tell you, this place really takes me back. You know, I used to be a personal trainer?

Sabrina- Really?

James- Yeah. Watch yourself.

He takes his jacket off and sits on the bench. He reaches up, grabs the bar and pulls. Nothing happens. After a few more embarrassing goes.

James- (Cont.) Ah well, they’ve changed the equipment since then.

Strum enters accompanied by two of his personal assistants. A rather small man in his mid twenties with designer stubble.

Strum- I’m so sorry I’m late.

James- What’s up dog, how’s it goin’? It’s been a long time.

Strum- Yeah, too long. The pools filthy.

Sabrina- Oh no, Strum. This is James, out photographer, and I’m Sabrina Spellman, the reporter. I have all your CDs. Well actually, their MP3’s I downloaded off...

Strum, who is lifting a weight bar, quickly glances round.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, let’s get straight to the interview.

She moves round with her notepad and stands in front of Strum.

Sabrina- So, um, I understand you’re in the studio working on a new CD. Do you have a title?

Strum- Move.

Sabrina- Oh that’s cool.

Strum- No, sweetheart. Move! I can’t see myself.

She realises that she’s standing in front of a floor to ceiling mirror.

Sabrina- (Stepping aside) Sorry.

Strum- Sweat please!

One of his aides quickly comes round and sprays a fine mist of water at him making him look like he’s worked up a sweat.

Strum- (Cont.) Sneeze comin’!

The other aide is there in a moment with a towel. Strum sneezes into it.

Strum- (Cont.) Now get out of here with that, and don’t let me catch that on Ebay!

Strum give the weight to the remaining aide and takes a pop at the punching post.

Sabrina- Er so Strum, um who were you musical influences?

Strum- Well I have to say my biggest influence was early Brian Hardmore.

Sabrina- Oh. I’m not familiar with Brain Hardmore.

Strum- That was me before I changed my name.

He stops punching the post and turns towards the weight machine almost colliding with James.

Strum- (Cont.) Dude, if you’re not gonna take pictures, you might as well clean the pool. And I’m not doing this for my health!

He walks to a rack of dumbbells and stares at his aide.

Strum- (Cont.) Excuse me, these weights aren’t gonna lift themselves.

The aide quickly picks up the dumbbells and hands them to Strum.

Sabrina- (To James) Do you think you can fit that ego into the shot?

James- If I take it from the Hubble.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Morgan’s been out buying something pretty for Salem.

Morgan- After Salem turned my latest fashion design into a scratching post, I decided to buy the ultimate cat training system.

She puts a special cat collar on Salem. It’s a fetching shade of red with a small metal box attached.

Salem- (Thinking) Nice, but I believe it’s pearls that go with basic black.

Roxie- How is a crumby cat collar gonna keep him off the furniture?

Morgan- Oh, that’s no ordinary collar.

She picks up the other part of the system. A remote control.

Morgan- (Cont.) As soon as he jumps on the furniture...

She presses the button on the remote. Salem jerks ridged with a stifled yelp as an electric shock flashes through him.

Roxie- (Horrified) Morgan!

Morgan- Relax, it’s perfectly humane. It says right here... (Pointing at the box) ...‘Not tested on animals.’

Salem- (Thinking) You sadistic ditz! Sabrina will never stand for this.

Speak of the devil… Sabrina comes down stairs looking very pleased with herself.

Sabrina- Well I’ve finished my article on Strum and, I’ve got to say, I’m usually my own worst critic but it’s perfect! And when Annie sees this she’s gonna be thrilled that I was forced on her.

Morgan- Listen, Sabrina. Would you mind if we started training the cat?

Salem- (Thinking) Of course she’d mind. Tell her, Sabrina.

Sabrina- Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Salem- (Thinking) Huh?

Sabrina leaves. Morgan grins and jabs the button on the remote again. Salem leaps vertically with a yelp and clings to the ceiling. Roxie looks up at him.

Roxie- I think you had it set too high.

Morgan- I had it on cat.

Roxie looks over her shoulder and adjusts the remote device.

Morgan- (Cont.) Oh, cattle.

Salem can’t hang on to the ceiling any longer and falls back to earth with a bump.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Sabrina sits at a desk toying with some small nodding head animals that are on it. Cole comes over.

Cole- Hey, what’s going on?

Sabrina- I’m so excited. I just handed my article in to Annie. I hope she likes it. What am I saying? I hope she loves it. Oh, I’m Sabrina by the way.

She holds her hand out to shake.

Cole- (Taking it) Er Cole Harper.

Sabrina- Oh right! You used to write for Rolling Stone magazine! I’ve been reading your articles since I was in high… Hi! How ya doin’?

Cole- I’m good. I’m good. So I see you’ve made yourself at home.

Sabrina- Yeah, just settling in. So where do you sit?

Cole- Well right now someone’s at my desk so I’m just kinda floating.

Sabrina- Don’t you hate that? I haven’t been given a desk yet.

Cole- Oh, but I have... and you’re in it.

Sabrina- (Jumping up) Oh, I’m so sorry. Nobody’s told me where I supposed to sit yet.

Annie- Well that may not be necessary.

Sabrina spins round to find her boss stood behind her with her article.

Annie- (Cont.) We can’t use this.

Sabrina- Well what’s wrong with it?

Annie- It’s a puff piece, a love letter. I could have used the fourth paragraph to sweeten my coffee.

Annie walks away, back towards her office.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Well, you know, if you had kept reading you would have noticed that I mentioned he was late and that his pool was cloudy.

Cole takes her article and starts reading it.

Cole- Nice. Nice. Very nice.

Sabrina- Thank you. That’s what I thought.

Cole- No. You’ve used the word nice three times in one paragraph.

Sabrina- But Strum is a big star. I mean, what was I supposed to say? That he was the most pompous, arrogant jerk I’ve ever met?

Cole- Well I’d read that.

Sabrina- Right.

Cole- Seriously. People want to know what celebrities are really like.

Sabrina- So I’m just supposed to be brutally honest?

Cole- Which may be hard for someone like you.

Sabrina- Oh, I can do it if I have to. In fact I am gonna go in there right now and tell Annie exactly what I think of her.

Cole pops a can of soda and watches with interest as Sabrina heads for Annie’s office and smiles knowingly when she does a one-eighty and returns.

Sabrina- Or I could just rewrite this article!

Int. Spellman dining room. Sabrina’s hard at work on her laptop, rewriting her Strum article. She has a large bottle of scotch at her side… well butter scotch, which she pours over a bowl of ice-cream.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem is stood on the old coffee table and jumps across to the settee. Morgan pops up behind the settee and shows the remote control to him. Salem jumps backwards back onto the coffee table much to Morgan’s delight.

Int. Spellman dining room. Things aren’t going well with Sabrina’s article. In frustration, she closes her laptop and screws it up like a piece of paper before tossing it into the waste bin which is full of crumpled up laptops. A quick point and she has a fresh new laptop.

Int. Spellman living room. Roxie walks in, sits on the settee, picks up the remote and turns on the TV. The TV, however, doesn’t come on but Salem leaps into the air behind the settee. Roxie doesn’t see him and persists in trying to get the TV to work with the remote.

Int. Spellman dining room. Sabrina’s still struggling with the article and turns to the font of all knowledge, the ‘How to’ book. In this case ‘How to write mean stuff’ which professes to be ‘A complete guide to everything mean you will ever need to write!’ Having found what she needs, she smiles, types it in and hits print.

Sabrina- Done!

She gets up and turns to her printer with the singed and smoking cat sitting beside it..

Sabrina- (Cont.) Whew, I’m fried.

Salem- Tch! You’re fried! I smell like a bad perm! <Sob! Sob!>

Sabrina uses her article to waft the smoke away showing little sympathy for his plight.

Int. Scorch Magazine. The latest edition has hit the streets and Cole reads from it.

Cole- (Reading) ‘The ego has landed by Sabrina Spellman.’... ‘Conceit of his pants’ Clever. ‘Strum’s so vain he probably thinks this article’s about him.’ Good one.

Sabrina- Yeah. Wait until you get to the part about him bending over backwards so he can kiss his own butt.

Annie- So, I guess now that you’ve been published we should actually give you a desk. Why don’t you take that on right there.

She points at a free desk that has cool stuff like wire file trays, A tape holder and a computer terminal complete with flat screen monitor.

Sabrina- Really? (She sits) Great! Wow, Y’know, I finally feel like I am finally here.

Strum- I want her fired!

Everyone turns round to find that Strum has entered with his lawyer in tow and is pointing at Sabrina.

Sabrina- Well that was nice while it lasted.

Annie- No one is getting fired. I stand by my writer, I’m not going to silence her.

Sabrina- Thank you.

Annie- Shut up.

Strum- If you don’t fire her then I’ll tell every one of my music industry friends never to talk to your magazine again.

Annie- Oh well that’s just two interviews we’ll have to do without.

Strum- You won’t fire her?

He takes quick glance at his lawyer and gets a nod.

Strum- (Cont.) Then I’ll sue!

Sabrina- Sue away! My editor stands by my story.

Sabrina may be a witch but it’s Strum who’s uttered the magic word.

Annie- Okay, how about if she prints a retraction in the next issue?

Sabrina- What? I’m not writing a retraction!

Annie- Well I’m not getting sued!

James puts a brotherly arm around Strum’s shoulder.

James- How about a public apology?

Strum glares at the hand and James quickly removes it.

Sabrina- Wait a minute!

Cole- Yeah, wont that work?

Sabrina- No!

Annie- How about on stage at tomorrows concert?

Sabrina- Hello?

Leonard- Maybe she could be dancing in a big tub of bean-dip. (On everybody’s look) Oh right, I went too far.

Strum- Deal! (To Sabrina) I’ll see you on stage!

He turns and leaves and the rest of the magazine staff get back to work.

Sabrina- Thanks guys! This was a great day for the first amendment... Is anybody listening to me?

Leonard- I am, Sabrina. I’m here for ya.

Sabrina- Anybody at all?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina’s eating lunch at the table, Salem sits on the floor beside.

Sabrina- Here, Salem, it’s all yours.

She pushes her plate aside.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’m too worked up to eat.

Salem- Oh no! I’m not jumping on any furniture. Your friends broke me.

Sabrina- Well, at least now you’ll stop throwing out your hip.

Roxie and Morgan come down stairs and overhear.

Roxie- Are you still mumbling to yourself about this whole apology thing?

Sabrina- This really stinks! I mean, if I apologise, then I give up everything I believe in, and If I don’t, the only thing I’ll be writing is bad cheques.

Morgan- Oh please! It’s a no-brainer. To be on stage with Strum, I’d give up anything, including my dignity.

Sabrina- Oh, well you gave that up when you appeared in ‘Girls Gone Wild: eight’

Roxie- Look, Sabrina. How would you feel if you got up on that stage and let everyone in the world see you grovel?

Sabrina- Demeaned, degraded, de... not very happy.

Roxie- Then there you go.

Sabrina- Thanks, Roxie.

Morgan- He-hem! While you’re handing out thanks, how about thanking the person who’s been training your cat all week? (Holding the remote control) Salem, bring me my mascara.

Salem slinks away.

Morgan- (Cont.) Prepare to be amazed.

Salem slinks back again with Morgan’s mascara in his jaws.

Sabrina- Wow! Talk about wipped!

Morgan- Thank you, Salem. (Petting him) Who’s my good boy? Who’s my good boy?

Salem- <Sob! Sob!>

Int. Annie’s office. Annie’s checking some photo negatives when Sabrina knocks and enters.

Sabrina- Annie, I’ve got something to tell you. I’ve given this a lot of thought and I’ve decided I’m not going to go through with the apology.

Annie- Fine.

Sabrina- Fine?

Annie- Fine!

Sabrina- Fine as in, you’re fine with it or fine as in, Fine-d another job?

Annie- Well it’s not really up to me but I’ll let Jonathon know of your decision.

Sabrina- Well um, maybe I should go tell Jonathon. That way you could stay here and continue frightening people.

Annie- You can’t speak with Jonathon. He sets the bar for trends around here and, right now, human contact is out.

Sabrina- Fine. Well I just wanted to let you know, I’m not apologising to Strum.

Annie- I heard you the first time.

Sabrina- Good. Then I’ve said everything I came in here to say... twice.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Sabrina comes out of Annie’s office and bumps into James.

James- Hey, listen Sabrina. Have you decided what you’re gonna wear to the concert tonight? ‘Cause whenever my girlfriends have to apologise I find that a halter-top puts me in a very forgiving mood.

Sabrina- What makes you think I’m going to apologise? And what ever happened to standing up for what you believe in?

James- Actually nothin’... if you’re Nelson Mandela or Mother Theresa. We ain’t savin’ the lives of starvin’ people here; we’re just tellin’ them what to dance to.

Leonard- Just between you and me. Very smart move givin’ in. It took me six months to learn that if you don’t fight them when they’re pantsin’ you, they don’t run ‘em up the flagpole.

Sabrina- Kids can be so cruel.

Leonard- Oh yeah. Thirteen year-olds are much bigger than they used to be.

Cole- Hey, when you do this apology thing...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) I’m not doing it!

Cole- Really? Wow! I mean, when I first started out as a reporter I was idealistic. I wanted to free political prisoners, save the ozone, expose corruption. Then I decided I wanted a Harley more.

Sabrina- You sold out that easily?

Cole- Well, compromise is part of the business.

Sabrina- What are you talking about? I mean, you’re the one who got me into this! You told me to be brutally honest.

Cole- Brutal honesty has its place... but, then again, so does keeping you job.

Sabrina sees Annie coming from her office for a coffee refill and quickly intercepts her.

Sabrina- Listen, Annie, about the apology.

Annie- Yes?

Sabrina- ...Do you know a good place to buy a halter-top?

Int. The death cell. Old Sparky is ready to light up an innocent cat… well, not quite that innocent… in fact, pull that switch!

Salem- Er, just out of curiosity, how come there weren’t any white cats on death row?

The switch is pulled and Salem is lit up so much his skeleton shines through.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem, who’s dozed off on the back of the settee, jerks out of his napmare.

Salem- Ooooh! I wonder if I can flip this cushion.

Int. Strum’s dressing room, back stage at the Boston Apollo. Strum sits in front of the dressing table mirror getting a massage from one of his aides as Sabrina enters. The audience can be heard chanting ‘Strum! Strum! Strum! Strum!’.

Sabrina- Okay, can we do this? It sounds like the audience is getting a little impatient.

Strum- That’s not the audience, just part of my pre concert ritual.

He walks over and turns of the tape recorded chanting.

Strum- (Cont.) Oh, speaking of which, My pills!

His aide quickly jumps to his bidding.

Sabrina- Oh perfect. All the rock star elements, the ego, the drugs. All that’s missing is a brief, loveless marriage to J-Lo.

Strum- (Knocking back the pill) It’s was an antihistamine, honey. I’m allergic to the flowers I sent myself.

Sabrina- Okay, can we get this over with? I still have a tiny shred of dignity lodged behind my spleen.

Strum- Hey, I like the halter.

Sabrina- Oops, there it goes.

A voice from outside yells.

Voice From Outside- (OS) Let’s go! They’re waiting!

Strum- (To his aides) Well go on. Get the girls screaming for me, okay?

With nods the eager aides leave.

Strum- (Cont.)(To Sabrina) Oh, I had an idea. Y’know, saying you’re sorry may not have enough impact, so I’m gonna roll up a copy of this Scorch Magazine, you'll bend over and I’ll spank you with it. It’s great!

Sabrina- Oh that’s it! Forget it, I’m not doing it.

Strum- ‘Scuse me?

Sabrina- I’m not apologising and I’m not letting anyone spank me on stage... well maybe if it was Dave Mathews and it was more of a love tap.

She caught for a moment in the fantasy until…

Strum- I’m sorry, are you still talking?

Sabrina- (Snapped out of it) Why should I compromise my self respect just for some job? Everything I wrote about you was true! You’re a narcissistic, arrogant jerk! And I’ve never met anyone with such a big head!

Strum- Excuse me. You’re confusing a big head with self confidence. Now move it.

He wraps her on the arm with the rolled up copy of Scorch as he heads for the door.

Sabrina- Oh, now you’ve done it. (Under her breath) Make this blowhard realise his empty head is super sized.

She gives him a flick of the old magic finger. His head swell to five times it’s normal size but Strum doesn’t so much as notice.

Strum- Time to give these morons the minimum effort. They’re gonna be talking about this concert for years. Hel-lo Boston!

He goes to walk out the room but cracks his extra large noggin on the door frame. He’s noticed now.

Strum- (Cont.) That’s weird. My head, it’s huge!

He turns back into the room and sneezes right at Sabrina. The blast from his enormous nostrils nearly blows her off her feet.

Strum- (Cont.) Darned allergies!

Sabrina- Or maybe your minds trying to tell you something? Maybe this wouldn’t be happening if you weren’t so arrogant? Have you ever tried being humble?

Strum- Yeah, for about two weeks and then, all of a sudden, I found out someone already had that name.

Voice From Outside- (OS) Come on, Strum. The crowds getting restless.

Sabrina- (Pointing at the door) Okay, well good luck.

Strum- Well wait! Wait! You’ve gotta help me! What am I gonna do?

Sabrina- I’d start recognising there are other people in this world.

Strum- I know there’s other people. I mean, some of them bring me things. (On Sabrina’s look) O-Okay. I-I guess some of my success comes from those who write my songs.

His head shrinks a little bit.

Sabrina- It’s working.

Strum- And I guess it wasn’t right to demand all the royalties from those beginner guitar books.

It shrinks some more.

Sabrina- Good.

Strum- And perhaps it wasn’t right to tell Mohamed Ali that I’m actually the greatest... although, I bet I could take him.

The head begins to swell again.

Strum- (Cont.) Okay, maybe not!

The head shrinks back again.

Sabrina- Oh, look at that. Back to normal.

While Strum looks in the mirror and checks his hair is just so.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Now forget the inflated head, remember the ego lesson instead.

She points at Strum.

Strum- Whew! Not a hair out of place. Thank God. (Turns to Sabrina) Oh and thank you too. I guess we can let the apology slide for now.

Sabrina- Thanks.

Strum- But if you’re up for a private spanking, the shows over after midnight.

Sabrina- Oh bummer. I’m already booked for a wedgie at eleven-thirty.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem’s been a busy little pussycat and with all the sparks coming from the plug socket, not to mention the myriad lengths of industrial wiring, it cannot be good. The wires run along the floor, over the chess table and vanish under the settee. Salem is hard at work on the finishing touches and with a satisfied sigh, he’s finished.

Salem- Come on red, it’s payback time.

As if summoned by magic, Morgan enters from the Kitchen looking very happy to see Salem sitting on the floor.

Morgan- Good kitty, not on the furniture. (She picks him up) And for being so good, I am going to give you an extra special treat.

Salem- (Thinking) And I’m gonna help them pull you down of the Moon.

Morgan- You can join me on the couch.

Salem- (Thinking) What?

Morgan- Now I am gonna go get some popcorn for me and some liver treats for you. I’ll be right back.

She tries to put Salem down on the settee but his claws cling to her with a desperate determination.

Morgan- (Cont.) Relax. Momma says it’s okay to be on the furniture now.

Salem- <Sob! Sob!>

The claws, come free and Morgan drops him onto the settee. It’s like slow motion as Salem’s long and eventful life flashes before his eyes.

Salem- Noooooooooooooo!

With a crackle and a feline scream, all the lights in the neighbourhood go out. That’s one less life.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Sabrina finds Annie walking round the office leaving notes on everyone’s desks. She falls into step behind her.

Sabrina- Oh good, you’re here. Look, I just wanted to let you know that I didn’t apologise at Strum’s concert tonight. He wanted to spank me with a rolled up copy of Scorch. Anyway, to make a long story short...

Annie- (Interrupting) Someone else would have to be telling it.

Sabrina- Anyway, I just wanted you to hear it from me.

Annie- Nice going.

Sabrina- Really? Thanks.

Annie turns her full attention to Sabrina for the first time.

Annie- Wait, let me try that again with a little more sarcasm. (Very sarcastic) Nice going! Since you’re too high and mighty to take one for the team, we missed out on a ton of free publicity. Now I have to finish passing out these memos.

Sabrina- Well, clearly hiring me was a failed experiment, so tell Jonathon: thanks for the chance and sorry it didn’t work out.

She heads for the door.

Annie- Right. See you tomorrow.

Sabrina turns.

Sabrina- Wait, I’m fired, right? I mean, that was my farewell speech.

Annie- And it needs work. (On Sabrina’s blank expression) Jonathan hired you; only Jonathan can fire you and, frankly, I wouldn’t get rid of you for all the gin in Ionersport.

Sabrina- I don’t know what you’re saying, but the gin comment explains a lot.

Annie- Look, I’m the kind of person who likes car wrecks, explosions and reality television and you’re this bizarre combination of all of those. I’m going to look forward, everyday, to seeing what kind of a disaster you can create for yourself.

Sabrina- Oh, you have no idea. I am like an earthquake at Lego Land.

Annie turns and walks off, Sabrina follows after.

Sabrina- (Cont.) There was this one time when I...

Annie stops in her tracks and Sabrina jumps back.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Too close, right?

Annie just resumes her walk to her office alone.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is sat on the counter and Sabrina is finally removing his training collar.

Sabrina- Oh, quit complaining you big baby, it wasn’t that bad.

Salem- Tell that to the piece of charcoal that used to be my thyroid.

Sabrina- I know you’ve had a difficult week but I hope you’ve learned something.

Salem- I did. How to stay off the couch... and how to poop in a size eight pump!

Sabrina- What?

Morgan & Roxie- (OS) SALEM!

Salem- Ha! I’m out of here! Na-ha-ha-ha!

He jumps from the counter onto the table and from there to the floor before zipping through the cat flap while Sabrina stands open mouthed with his collar dangling from her fingers. Roxie and Morgan run down the stairs gingerly holding smelly shoes. The see Salem’s tail vanish through the cat flap.

Morgan- Not so fast!

She turns the intensity up on the remote and hits the button. While it doesn’t appear to have any effect of the disappearing Salem, behind them at the counter Sabrina has a new sticking out hairdo with extra crackle and spark.

Run credits.