I, Busybody

Int. College House. Sabrina’s sat at the table working on her laptop computer, Roxie’s getting herself a snack in the kitchen when the phone rings. Roxie goes to pick it up.

Roxie- (On phone) Hello?... Sorry dude, wrong number... Sure I’ll double check. (To Sabrina) Sabrina, are we an Indian restaurant?

Sabrina- No statues of Vishnu here.

Roxie- (On phone) You must have misprogrammed your speed-dial... No problem... Hey! How do you know my names Roxie?

She wonders off towards the settee with the phone still at her ear as Morgan enters with Harvey hurrying along at her heals.

Harvey- Why are you mad at me? It’s not my fault The Cranberry Club had a private party for Pedro Martinez!

Morgan- No, but it is your fault that we weren’t on the guest list! It is one of your responsibilities as the boyfriend to anticipate my needs!

She turns and marches off up stairs.

Harvey- (Calling after) I’m sensing you need to be alone!

Harvey heads towards the door passing Sabrina who couldn’t help overhearing their spat..

Sabrina- Harvey.

Harvey- (Sharply) What?

Sabrina- Nah, never mind.

Harvey- Okay.

He continues towards the door.

Sabrina- No, it’s not okay. It hasn’t been okay for a long time. You shouldn’t let Morgan push you around like that.

Harvey- It’s no big deal, it’s just how she is.

Sabrina- But every time you do something she wants she loses respect for you. You have to stand up for yourself. Tell her what you want.

Harvey- Okay... What do I want?

Sabrina- To be treated like an equal.

Harvey- You’re right. Thanks Sabrina.

Sabrina- I’m here to help.

Harvey leaves and Sabrina heads over to the settee where Roxie is still on the phone.

Roxie- (On phone) I can’t believe you recognised my voice from my radio show.

Sabrina- Are you still talking to that wrong number?

Roxie- (To Sabrina) He’s actually kinda cool. Do you think I should keep on talking or is this just too weird?

Sabrina- Keep talking. Who knows, he could be Mr. Right.

Roxie- Good thinking. Thanks Sabrina.

Sabrina- I’m here to help.

She goes back to her laptop.

Roxie- (On phone) Yeah, I’m still listening... So now that you know who I am, why don’t you tell me about yourself, start with your name?

Int. Spellman Kitchen. A small black cat sits on the counter top with a phone handset in front of it.

Salem- (On phone) My name is Ali Hondro.

Run opening credits.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina’s on shift and Hilda can’t wait to show her the catalogue as she returns to the counter.

Hilda- I’m getting Zelda this sweater for her birthday. Don’t you love it?

Sabrina checks out the catalogue.

Sabrina- It has a pouch! She’ll hate it.

Hilda- Sabrina, I’ve lived with the woman for six hundred and fifty years. I think I know my sister.

Sabrina- Well then, you’ll know that her birthday was last week.

Hilda- Oh. Well that explains the cake and balloons.

She dumps the catalogue in the trashcan.

Sabrina- I know the perfect gift for aunt Zelda. You remember the broken antique tea set that she keeps stored in the attic? (On Hilda’s nod) Well you use the pieces to make a mosaic table top or planter, whatever. She’ll love it.

Hilda- Great! I get to grout. Thanks Sabrina.

Sabrina- I’m here to help.

Sabrina gets back to work and finds Miles sat on a settee making out a cheque.

Sabrina- Oh sorry Miles, we don’t take cheques. Only dollars and first born.

Miles- This is for the speeding ticket I got from state trooper Kenneth Norwood. (Imitating the trooper) Where’s the fire peewee?

Sabrina- And you’re paying it? Why not contest it in court? These troopers never show up. You know the judge will throw out the ticket, you’ll save a C-note, bing-boom, you’re home sucking on a Yoo-hoo.

Miles- Good thinkin’! Thanks Sabrina.

Sabrina- I’m here to help Peewee.

There’s a big yell of ‘Hi!’ from everyone in the coffee house a-la Cheers. Sabrina turns round to see that Mike Shelby, her other boss from the paper, has entered and goes to meet him at the counter.

Sabrina- So, what’s the good word Mike?

Mike- Corporate brass is jerkin’ me around like Jamaican chicken.

While Sabrina mulls that sentence over, Mike turns to Hilda.

Mike- (Cont.) Give me somethin’ tall, hot and foamy.

Hilda- I don’t get off till nine. How about a latte instead?

Mike- To go, please.

Hilda goes to make the brew as Mike turns back to Sabrina.

Mike- Y’know, they’re on some fiscal austerity kick down at the paper. Corporate’s balking at giving me a raise. It stinks being the little guy.

Hilda- Here ya go tiny.

He takes his latte.

Sabrina- You’re gonna fight them aren’t you? I mean, you’re Mike Shelby, living legend! You know you made the Boston Citizen what it is today. You gave it guts, integrity...

Mike- Not to mention twenty years of dedicated service... and a microwave I swiped from my mother.

Sabrina- See? You gave that paper the best years of your life... I mean, not that you don’t have a lot more to give.

Mike- You’ve got a point there kid. I’m gonna march right down to HQ and give ‘em a piece of my mind. Thanks for pumping me up Sabrina.

He marches towards the door.

Sabrina- (Calling after) I’m here to help! (To the room at large) All right, who else needs some help? I’m on a roll here! Come on, gimme somebody!

Int. Adams Collage hallway. Sabrina walks the crowded hallway with her book bag over her shoulder and spots Miles.

Sabrina- Hey Miles! So, how did it go in court this morning?

Miles- Well for starters, State trooper Norwood showed up to testify as is his habit, so Peewee’s out a C-note. Then on the way home I get pulled over by guess who? (Impersonating Trooper Norwood) "Peewee! You’re driving with a broken tail-light!" Another fifty bucks! Thanks a lot Sabrina.

He turns and walks off.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Hey! I was only trying to help!

At that moment Zelda comes round the corner with her brand new brief case.

Zelda- Look what Hilda made me for my birthday.

Sabrina takes in the covering of the case which is made up of broken pieces of patterned crockery, some with tea cup handles sticking out.

Sabrina- Don’t you love it?

Zelda- I hate it! Hilda ruined a priceless tea set that I was planning to restore. Where did she get such a numbskull idea? I would have been happy with a sweater.

She walks off.

Sabrina- (Calling after) But it had a pouch!

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. Sabrina puts a coffee cup down for Josh as Josh spots Jerry walking by behind him.

Josh- Oh Jerry! I got something for you. Photos of that weird cloud from last night.

Sabrina- Oh er don’t mind the last few shots. We were just messing around with the camera.

Jerry takes the roll of film impatiently and hurries off without a word.

Josh- (Calling after) Yeah! You’re welcome! (To Sabrina) How did that punk get to be photo editor? Huh, I’ll have to ask his uncle Mike.

Speak of the devil and he’s sure to arrive. Mike, The Devil, Shelby comes out of his office dressing down a guy, clearly in a foul mood.

Mike- When I say I want twenty-five hundred words on the new subway, that’s what I expect. Not two thousand four hundred and ninety-nine. Not two thousand five hundred and one. You got that Franklin?

Franklin- Yeah, but I just fix the copy machine.

Franklin retreats as Sabrina advances.

Sabrina- That’s the Mike we all know and love. So, let’s hear it. Did corporate cave in to your demands?

Mike- Well if my demands included a pay cut and taking away my health benefits, then yes, they caved. (Sarcastically) Thanks for the advice.

He stalks back into his office. Sabrina watches him go confused and upset.

Sabrina- (Half hearted) Hey, I’m here to help. (Frowning) I gotta get myself a new catchphrase.

Ext. College house porch. Sabrina arrives home and finds Harvey sat on the porch swing.

Sabrina- Hi Harvey, waiting for Morgan?

Harvey- No, actually I’m waiting for you.

Sabrina- Let me guess. Even though I was just trying to help, my advice blew up in your face and Morgan read you the riot act?

Harvey- I wish that was all she did. She dumped me.

Sabrina- (Shocked) I am so sorry! Y’know, usually I am really good at giving advice, but these days I’m a menace to society. I mean, first Miles, then aunt Hilda, then Mike, now you.

Harvey- Sabrina, every language has a word for people like you. In Swahili it’s ‘K’tk’k’kt’k’

Sabrina- I know. In English it’s ‘Busybody’

Harvey- That would be the cleaned up version.

Int. College house. Harvey watches over Sabrina’s shoulder as she works on her laptop.

Harvey- The Other Realm Yellow Pages?

Sabrina- Oh, it’s been a lifesaver for me... and the front section on theatre seating really comes in handy.

Harvey- Wait, so these are real businesses? Painting lessons from Vincent Van Gogh? Flying Monkey Feed and Supply? Whoa! Marshal arts lessons with Genghis Khan! I gotta see this!

He quickly reaches forward.

Sabrina- Harvey! No!

But she’s too late to stop him hitting the enter key and in a flash of light Genghis himself is standing in the house with a couple of staffs.

Genghis- Roar!

Harvey- Oh, no way. Mr. Khan, it’s an honour to meet you. I’m Harvey Kinkle.

He holds out his hand to shake but Genghis knocks his hand aside.

Genghis- Veanu genu!

Harvey- (To Sabrina) What did he say?

Sabrina- (Turning back to her laptop) He’s going to eat you.

Harvey turns back to Genghis just in time to catch the staff that the nomadic warrior king throws at him and defend himself from his attack. The raging battle continues in the background while Sabrina refuses to let it distract her from more important things.

Sabrina- (Typing) There’s gotta be a cure for busybodies in here. Ha bingo! (Reading) ‘Buddy’s Busy Body Shop. All makes, all body parts, always busy’ (To Harvey) I’ve found what I needed.

She glances round to see the battle still raging.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Yo! Continental grip on that staff!

Harvey changes his grip to a baseball grip and promptly has it knocked out of his hands by Genghis.

Harvey- Thanks a lot Sabrina.

Sabrina- I don’t know why anyone listens to me.

Harvey turns back to Khan just in time to raise his arm to prevent a scull crushing blow from the staff. He cringes for a second but the blow never falls. When he glances up, both Genghis Khan and Sabrina have vanished.

Harvey- (To Himself) Still, I got to spend some quality time with Genghis Khan. Cool!

Int. Buddy’s Busy Body Shop. It looks like any other body shop with guys in oily overalls, tool racks and ramps. One of the guys is using a cutting torch with the asbestos gloves and face mask. The feeling of normalcy disappears when a petite blonde materialises and taps the guy with the cutting torch on the shoulder. The guy jumps, quickly turning off the torch.

Buddy- (spooked) Never sneak up on a guy with a blur flame!

Sabrina- Sorry buddy. I’m looking for Buddy.

Buddy- You found him. What can I do ya for sugarplum?

Sabrina- Well I’m an out-of-control busybody. Can you fix me?

Buddy- I can fix anything, but busybodies, my bread and butter. I’ll probably just have to tweak your gyro.

He moves towards her but she quickly backs away.

Sabrina- Whoa! Whoa! Keep your grubby hands off my gyro!... What’s a gyro anyway?

Buddy- It’s the business end of your busybody part

Sabrina- Oh, well I want nothing to do with it. Get rid of the whole thing!

Buddy- Why would you wanna do that?

Sabrina- Because every time I get involved in someone’s life I cause nothing but trouble!

Buddy- Say no more! I can put you up on the rack right now.

He hits the switch and the rack comes down. It already has a guy lying on it, the one that Buddy was using the torch on (Ouch)

Sabrina- Hey, nice rack.

Buddy- Yeah, I get that a lot.

The guy lying there sits up

Buddy- (Cont.) All right, you’re all set Mr. Johnson.

The guy leaves with a little salute to Buddy.

Sabrina- What was he here for?

Buddy- I can’t tell ya. (On her look) Mechanic/patient confidentiality, but I can tell you this. (Glances around) He’s now sleeker, faster and he handles like a dream.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Roxie enters talking on her cell phone.

Roxie- (On Phone) Your favourite music is Swiss jazz? You’re such a cook!

She walks over to the counter where Hilda is using a mallet and a chisel to get bits of broken pottery of a briefcase.

Roxie- (Cont.) Okay, call me later. Bye Ali Hondro. (Switches off the phone)

Hilda- So, Ali Hondro huh? When did you start seeing him?

Roxie- I haven’t yet. So far we’ve only talked on the phone. It’s craziest story. We met over a wrong number.

Hilda- I’ll give ya a crazy story. I’m in Ireland hunting leprechauns... (On Roxie’s look) Tell me about Ali Hondro.

Roxie- Well, he’s confident and smart, he lives with two female roommates so he understands women, he likes foreign music, loves Indian food. Who knows, maybe this could be the real thing.

Hilda- Just make sure it’s not the diet real thing. Too much aspartame.

Roxie- Sabrina thinks I should meet him for coffee. What do you think?

Hilda- I think I’ve got a piece of tea cup stuck in my bra.

Int. Buddy’s Body Shop. The rack comes down with Sabrina lying on it. She looks around and sits up.

Sabrina- Funny. Y’know, I don’t feel any different without my busybody part... (rubbing her arm) Well maybe a little greasier.

Buddy holds out a crystalline gyroscope in the palm of his hand. It looks very delicate as it spins perfectly balanced.

Buddy- Well here’s your old part. Do you want it?

Sabrina- I didn’t keep my tonsils and I’m not keepin’ that.

He puts it aside.

Sabrina- (Jumping off the rack) So, am I good to go?

Buddy- Not quite. Let’s test you out first. Sabrina, the girl I’ve been dating for about five years, she’s pressuring me to get married. Now...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Buddy, y’know this is none of my business... (Realising) Whoa! I have never said that before! You do excellent work.

Buddy give a ‘Gee shucks’ shrug looking pleased.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem is sat on the sideboard talking on the phone. He has ‘foreign’ yodelling music playing quietly in the background.

Salem- (On phone) If only you were here my love to nibble on my garlic love...

Hilda enters with a porcelain tea pot.

Hilda- Where’s Zelda? I’ve fixed her stupid tea pot.

Salem- Do you mind? I’m talking on the phone to M’lady. This is the real thing. (On phone) Oh that’s my roommate. She has father issues and needs to be loved by all men great and small.

Hilda- (Under her breath) The real thing? Likes Indian food? Knows my feminine inner shame? (Aloud) By any chance, that grating excuse for music be... Swiss jazz?

Salem- Yeah, what of it? You losernaphobe.

Hilda- (Turning off the music) The jigs up Salem. There will be no interspecies dating under my roof! Ewe!

Salem- (On phone) I’ll call ya later Roxie. Chow.

He turns off the phone.

Hilda- You idiot! What do you think Roxie’s gonna do when she finds out Mr. Right has a tail?

Salem- What any normal person would do. Make a lifestyle adjustment.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina’s on shift when Hilda hurries in with her news.

Hilda- We’ve got a big problem! Roxie’s having a phone fling with Salem!

Sabrina- What your cat and my best friend do in their spare time is absolutely none of my business.

She carries on about her work.

Hilda- (Calling after) Sabrina?!

Sabrina ignores her as she carries a coffee pot over to the table where Harvey is sitting.

Sabrina- Harvey, I know it’s none of my business but do you need a refill?

Harvey- I need your help. Look over there.

Sabrina turns to where Harvey indicated and sees her fellow worker flirting with a guy at another table. Morgan laughs at something the guy has said.

Harvey- (Cont.) That guy with Morgan is Johnny Austin. He’s ranked number two in Boston’s underground kick boxing league.

Sabrina- So?

Harvey- So his wife is Penelope Austin, the number one kick boxer. Word on the street is she’s the jealous type. I’m worried about Morgan, even though I hate her right now.

Sabrina- Well I was just about to go over there anyway.

She takes her coffee pot over to Morgan and Johnny.

Sabrina- Morgan, I think there’s something you should know about this guy. He’s... out of coffee.

She fills up Johnny’s mug.

Morgan- Thanks hon.

Sabrina returns to Harvey’s table.

Harvey- How’d it go?

Sabrina- Great! Just at the moment when I thought I was about to jump in a save the day, I did nothing! Ha! Whoo!

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. Sabrina enters and gets a quick warning.

Josh- Get out while you can. Mike’s on a tear!

Mike- (OS) JOSH!

Josh- Too late.

Sabrina- For you.

Mike comes from his office with Jerry at his heels.

Mike- Everyone’s calling the paper about that weird cloud last night. Where are the photos you took of it.

Josh- Oh, I gave them to Jerry.

Jerry- No you didn’t

Josh- (Surprised) I absolutely did! Jerry, we were right over there. Sabrina was with me, (To Sabrina) You saw me hand Jerry the disc. Tell them.

Sabrina- This is absolutely none of my business.

She smiles and walks away.

Josh- What?!

Mike- Josh, I give only one warning, and this is yours. Next time you screw up and lie about it, you’re fired. You got that?

Josh- Yes sir.

Mike goes back to his office with Jerry in tow.

Jerry- I told you he was a punk.

Mike- Shut up Jerry.

Josh turns to Sabrina.

Josh- Thanks a lot Sabrina.

Sabrina- No problem. I am not here to help.

Josh- Sabrina, what is wrong with you? You know I gave those photos to Jerry, why didn’t you stand up to Mike for me?

Sabrina- It’s not in my nature to get involved.

Josh- It’s totally in you nature, it’s the very fibre of your being!

Sabrina- Well I am cutting back on the fibre. I’ve turned over a new leaf. I’m no longer a busybody.

Josh- Sabrina, I needed your help and you bailed on me. Now my jobs hanging by a thread.

Sabrina- Well, I didn’t mean to jeopardise your job!

Josh- Then why did you?

Sabrina- (Confused) I don’t know. Why did I let Morgan seduce a married kick boxer? Why am I letting Roxie date a cat?

Josh- Roxie’s dating a cat? H-Have you completely lost it?!

Sabrina- Yeah, and I think I’d better go get it back.

She leaves Josh in his usual state. Confusion.

Int. Buddy’s Busy Body Shop. Buddy finishes off his latest job.

Buddy- Well you’re all set Mr. McCoy. I just had to adjust your afraidiator.

Mr. McCoy- I was afraid it was gonna be more serious... but I’m not anymore. (Pleased) Thanks a lot.

He leaves as a swirl of sparkles clears to reveal.

Sabrina- Hey Buddy, I hate to be one of "those" customers, but you have to put my busybody part back in. Removing it gave me a whole other set of problems.

Buddy- Sorry Sabrina. Your part’s on its way to Other Realm Japan. It’s a delicacy over there.

Sabrina- Well what am I gonna do now?

Buddy- Well you’ve got two choices. You could marry the chef at Planet Sushi or... you could let me give you a brand new busybody part.

Sabrina- I’ll go with number two.

Buddy- I think you’ll like it. It’s a generic part but at least it doesn’t smell like a California Roll.

Sabrina- Sold... and suddenly hungry.

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, I’ve got a new busybody part. Time to do a little repair work of my own.

She heads determinedly towards Mike’s office.

Int. Mike’s office. He’s working at his desk when Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Mike, I need to tell you something. Josh really did give those pictures to Jerry today. I saw it but I just didn’t want to get involved.

Mike- Remind me never to choke on a pretzel when you’re around.

Sabrina- Mike, I’m back to my old self which means not only would I speak up for Josh but I’d do the Heimlich on you.

Mike- (Absently) I’ll make a note of it.

Sabrina- Great. That’s all I wanted to say, except... whoa!

She reaches for a cheque that’s lying on Mike’s desk.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Is that what you’re paying for your mortgage?! It’s outrageous!

Mike quickly snatches it back from her.

Mike- It’s also none of your business!

Sabrina- Everything’s my business. Besides, rates are down, you should really re-finance because that mortgage payment? Come on, y’know, I’ve seen your house, talk about urban blight. While we’re on the subject, you should really stop wearing those striped ties. El noto flateringo!

Mike- (Interrupting, angry) Sabrina, I didn’t ask you about my mortgage or my neckwear. You have really crossed the line here!

Sabrina- You’re right, I have! And somebody’s gonna pay.

Mike- Who?

Sabrina- Buddy. Let’s just hope I’ve saved the receipt.

Sabrina dashes off leaving Mike as confused as Josh usually is.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda sits at the table with her repaired tea pot. Salem sits on the counter.

Zelda- How it didn’t occur to Hilda that the handle goes on the outside of the tea pot is beyond me.

She manages to pull the handle out of the inside of the pot and glues it onto the outside.

Salem- She hears the music different than we do. Hey Zel, favour to ask.

Zelda- Salem, you already did and the answer is no. I can’t, arbitrarily, turn you into a man just so you can date Roxie. The Witches Council has rules against that.

Salem- I curse the Witches council! Unless they’re listening, in which case I bow to their punishing wisdom-um. Look, so I haven’t been a perfect cat...

Zelda- (Interrupting) You’ve been a rotten cat.

Salem- Precisely, but I’m willing to change for Roxie! I’m in love with her. Please Zelda, make me a man.

Zelda- Oh if I had a dollar for every time some strapping young hunk has said that to me...

Salem- (Interrupting) Heck, if you had a dime we’d all be rich! Na-ha-ha! But seriously Zelda, Roxie has changed me. She makes me wanna be a better cat (Sniff!) But she won’t have me unless I’m a man. (Sob! Sob! Sob!)

Zelda- (Touched) Oh good lord, are those tears? This is the real thing

Salem- That’s what I’m trying to tell you. (Sniff!)

Zelda- Oh all right. I’ll request a temporary transformation from the Witches Council so you can meet Roxie in human form. But I’m warning you, unless she really is the one, the spell wont last.

Salem- YEEHAW! (Singing) I’m gonna be a ma-an! I’m gonna be a ma-an... Oh my gosh, what am I gonna wear?

Zelda- First you’d better work on the man thing, then we’ll talk.

Int. Buddy’s Busy Body Shop. Sabrina walks in... which is different from her usual sparkly way of getting there, to find Buddy two timing her with another woman... and what a woman! Her legs are nearly as long as Sabrina is tall with a killer figure and cleavage that needs a danger sign. Buddy hands the girl a receipt.

Buddy- There you go. My work here is done.

Veronique- Thanks.

Sabrina- I can only imagine what parts you replaced.

Buddy walks off.

Veronique- I had some right brainwork done. Now I have two fully developed theories on the time/space continuum.

Sabrina- Well I’m sure they’ll hold up well.

Veronique- Thanks.

She leaves and Sabrina corner’s Buddy.

Sabrina- Buddy, that new busybody part isn’t cutting it. I-I’m worse now than the first time I came in.

Buddy- Sorry. Sometimes those off-the-shelf parts can cause a personality glitch if they’re not calibrated just right.

Sabrina- This is more than just a glitch! I am totally obnoxious! Although not half as obnoxious as that tattoo on your arm, you really should have that removed.

Buddy- It’s a birthmark!

Sabrina- See? I’m out of control! Stop me before I insist you do something with that hair!

Buddy- I know what’s going on here. Your body’s rejecting the new part.

Sabrina- Great! Maybe I should just trade it in for a new set of time/space continuums.

Buddy- Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna take out the new part, I’m gonna run a complete diagnostic on you; find out exactly what makes you tick, draw up your specs, scratch build a custom original busybody part, identical to your old one, install it and calibrate it.

Sabrina- How long will all that take?

Buddy- Three minutes.

A minute later. Sabrina’s sat wired to a machine that coughs up a printout. Buddy tears it off and reads it.

Buddy- Fascinating.

Sabrina- Why? What’s it say?

Buddy- well the original part we took out was pretty unusual. In fact, it was much more than just a busybody part.

Sabrina- I swear, if I grow a beard you are in so much trouble!

Buddy- No-no, it’s not that. Your busybody part came with a compassion upgrade. When you were trying to get involved in everybody’s business, it was because you were, sincerely, trying to help. Go figure?

Sabrina- So I wasn’t really a busybody. I was just concerned about my friends?

Buddy- Right. You had a rare piece of equipment, Sabrina. Which means I gave Other Realm Japan guy a super deal.

Sabrina- Well Buddy, I’ve seen your work and I know your good so get started on making that other gismo and what can I do to help?

He fires up his acetylene torch and approaches her.

Buddy- Try to hold still.

He flips down his visor.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Morgan’s on shift with her coffee pot watching a nervous Roxie pace back and forth.

Morgan- I can’t believe you have a date with a mysterious stranger named Ali Handro and I’m stuck here pretending to be excited for you.

Roxie- (Sitting) What happened to Johnny Karate, I thought he had everything?

Morgan- He did, including a wife... and a girlfriend. I do not play second fiddle to anyone’s mistress!

She leaves as a pair of highly polishes black shoes and grey slacks come skipping through the door.

Salem- (Singing) Love, exciting and new. Ask-od-da-boo, diskita-bow! (Pirouettes)

We see through Salem/Ali Handro’s eye’s in new and improved Salem-o-vision as he spots Roxie.

Salem- (Cont.) Roxanne, darling.

Roxie- (Standing) Ali Hondro! I can’t believe we’re actually meeting. You’re exactly as I pictured you.

Salem- Ditto, my pet. Nah, who would have thought a craving for chutney would lead to an inseparable between two peop.. er...

The Salem-o-vision is going a little wonky as instead of staying focused on his true love Roxie it wobbles as a long legged beauty walks behind her to the rest room.

Roxie- Ali Hondro?

Salem- Er..da-da I’m listening my necter. Hmm-hm.

Roxie- No, you were speaking.

Salem- D-d, of course I was. (Refocusing on Roxie) Just a momentary seizure of elation caused by your rapturous beauty. I-ya-ya!

His train of thought is robbed from him as the girl returns from the rest room and the Salem-o-vision refocuses on her. The girl shows off her impressive twin space/time continuums and bends those impossibly long legs to straighten the heal strap of her stilettos.

Salem- (Cont.) Mee-oww!

Roxie struggles to get her face back in vision and with a struggle, eventually succeeds.

Salem- (Cont.) Deh?! Hi, how are you?

Roxie looks from him to the girl.

Roxie- I knew it! You’re just another pig!

She turns and storms off.

Salem- Oh dear!

In an instant the highly polishes shoes are gone and in their place is a small black cat wearing a rather smart suit.

Salem- (Cont.) Dag-nam-it!

He scurries off while at the door, Roxie turns.

Roxie- Ali Hondro? Where did he go?

Morgan- You lost him already? That’s a record even for you.

She walks off unmindful of the daggers being glared into her back by Roxie.

Ext. Hilda’s Coffee House. The suited cat runs up the stairs sobbing and passing Sabrina.

Sabrina- Hey, Salem. Nice suit.

Salem- Oh Sabrina, it’s a sad sad day. Zelda turned the cat in me into a man, but the pig in me turned the man back into a cat (Sob!)

Sabrina- On the bright side, you’re your own petting zoo.

The long legged lovely from inside the coffee house comes out and stops beside Sabrina, grinning.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Thanks a lot Veronique.

Veronique- My pleasure, Sabrina. He made it too easy.

With a smile at a shocked Salem, she waves her arms and vanishes.

Salem- I’ve been had! I’ve been duped! Actually I was duped before I even got the chance to be had. (Sob!)

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina enters and walks to the centre of the room.

Sabrina- All right! Everybody gather around, I have a very important announcement to make.

No one takes any notice of her.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Come on!

Everyone jumps to and pays attention.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Those of you who know me well and those of you who hardly know me at all, have experienced, first hand, what a busybody I can be.

Knowing looks pass between Morgan and Roxie.

Roxie & Morgan- Hm-hm!

Sabrina- You’re right, I deserve that. But I want you all to know that there’s a very good reason why I get involved in your lives and...

Int. College House. The speech is the same but audience is smaller being just Miles and Harvey.

Sabrina- ...offer advice that you probably don’t wanna hear.

Miles- That’s because you’re a tool of the devil?

Sabrina- No, it’s because I care about you. True, y’know, on occasion, my advice doesn’t work out so well. (On their looks) Okay, quite often or not at all.

Harvey- Actually you did me a big favour. With Morgan out of my life, I can focus on more important things. Like digging my way out o’ debt.

Sabrina- That’s good. Still, I want to apologise...

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. The staff are gathered around as Sabrina goes through her spiel once more.

Sabrina- ...for any trouble I may have caused you in the past. On the other hand, if you ever need my help, don’t hesitate to ask. I can never turn down a friend in need. It’s just not the way I’m built. Ha-ha!

She creases up laughing but no one else gets her joke.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Yeah, you wouldn’t get that. Thanks for listening.

The staff show their appreciation of her comments with a ripple of applause. As they disperse, Mike collars Josh.

Mike- Listen er Josh. Sabrina told me that you did give those photo’s to Jerry, so I made him look a little harder for the disc. Lo and behold, he finds them. Sorry Kiddo.

Josh- It’s cool Mike.

Mike leaves.

Sabrina- And I’m sorry I bailed on you.

Josh- I like you much better when you get involved.

Sabrina- Don’t worry, I plan on staying involved.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina sits taking tea with her aunts.

Sabrina- Because it’s part of who I am and I just can’t help it.

Hilda- Of course you can’t, it’s in your genes. Why else would I always be snooping through Zelda’s purse or reading her diary?

Zelda- Hilda!

Hilda- It’s because I care!

Sabrina- And caring is everything. It’s one of the qualities that makes us unique. I propose a toast. To the caring, busybody Spellmans.

The all raise the tea cups and clink them together, Bad move as the glue isn’t that good and bits fall off spilling tea all over the tablecloth. Sabrina uses a napkin to start mopping.

Hilda- Thanks again, Sabrina.

Sabrina- I’m here to help.

Int. College house. Sabrina’s sat working on her laptop while Morgan leans on the counter reading a magazine. The phone rings and Morgan picks it up.

Morgan- (On phone) Hello?... No, this isn’t the Bombay Café, you’ve got the wrong... How did you know my name was Morgan?... Actually, it’s Gaelic...

Sabrina leaps up and snatches the phone from her roommate.

Sabrina- (On phone) Hey! All right, I know who you are and...

She turns her back on Morgan and points at the phone.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is sat on the counter talking on the phone. Suddenly Sabrina’s head pops up out of the ear-piece and looks up at him.

Sabrina- ...And I know where you live!

Salem- Ghe!

He jumps a mile.

Run credits.