A Birthday Witch

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda cooks the gingerbread men, Hilda decorates them and Salem does what he does best. Zelda glances at the last tray full from the oven that is on the counter and notices something.

Zelda- Hey, what’s going on here? Two minutes ago there were half a dozen gingerbread men on this tray and now there’s only one.

Salem- <Burp!> Got milk?

Zelda- Got Magic.

She points at Salem and ensures that he will have difficulty eating any more gingerbread men. Gaffa tape over the mouth can be a very effective aid to dieting.

Salem- Mmmmp!

Sabrina enters looking happy.

Zelda- Hi Sabrina.

Hilda- Hi.

Sabrina- Hey, gingerbread cookies, my favourite.

Zelda hands over the tray with it’s remaining gingerbread man.

Zelda- There you go.

Gingerbread Man- Hey, happy birthday, baby.

Sabrina- Wow! A sleazy talking cookie. You guys are too good to me.

Hilda- (Taking the cookie) Once again, not enough sugar and too much attitude.

She bites a chunk of his head off.

Gingerbread Man- Ouch!

Sabrina- Listen, I know it’s usually just us at my birthday dinner but would it be okay if I invited Josh this year?

Hilda- Hey! It would be my pleasure to open my home to the ungrateful employee who quit on me with no notice.

Zelda- What she means is, it would be our pleasure to have Josh to dinner.

Sabrina- Good, because I already told him he could come. See you tomorrow.

Sabrina leaves.

Salem- Mmm! mm-mmp! mmmm! Mm.

Zelda- <Sigh!> He’s even more annoying muzzled.

With a zap, she removes the tape.

Salem- <Sigh!>

A high pitched ringing fills the room.

Hilda- Speaking of annoying.

They both look at the phone on the wall and watch it freeze up. Icicles hang from it it’s so cold.

Zelda- <Gasp!> Look, icicles! That can only be great aunt Irma.

Salem- Who’s aunt Irma?

Zelda- Matriarch of the Spellman clan and dreaded holly terror of the other realm. (Pushing Hilda forward) Answer it Hilda.

Hilda- (Pushing Zelda forward) Me?! You’re the oldest... and the brainiest.

The phone solves their problem for them by answering itself. The ice breaks off the phone and forms a large block. On it’s surface an image forms of an older, yet still handsome, witch. Blonde hair runs strong in the Spellman women.

Salem- Too late.

Hilda- Aunt Irma, what a pleasa...

Irma- (Interrupting) Silence!

Her command is accompanied by a crash of thunder.

Hilda- Okay, you talk.

Irma- I’ve just leaned that Sabrina has revealed she’s a witch to a mortal named Harvey Kinkle.

Salem- Where’ve ya been toots? That’s old news.

Irma- Hilda, Zelda, this was an appalling error in judgement for which I hold you both responsible.

Zelda- But I assure you, Harvey’s completely trustworthy.

Irma- Silence! I will determine if the boy is trustworthy. Have Sabrina bring him here tomorrow for the inquisition.

Hilda- Inquisition? But tomorrow is Sabrina’s birthday!

Irma- Perfect! Twelve hours of interrogation followed by a sheet cake. Neah-ah-ah-ah!

The block of ice winks out of existence leaving just the echo of the very witchly cackle.

Hilda- Oh my God! With aunt Irma interrogating Harvey, we can’t have Josh here for Sabrina’s birthday. Who’s going to break the bad news to her?

Zelda & Salem- (Together) Not it!

Hilda curses to herself silently

Run opening credits.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina’s taking a short break from work to see Josh who’s stopped by for a visit as Hilda enters.

Josh- (To Sabrina) I can’t wait to spend your birthday with you. I’m giving you your first present early.

He leans down a gives her a kiss.

Sabrina- Ooh, and you saved on gift wrap.

Josh- I should get going. The people at work think I just stepped away to go the bathroom. (To Hilda) I’ll see you tomorrow.

Hilda- Looking forward to it!

He leaves.

Hilda- (To Sabrina) He can’t come. Instead, you have to bring Harvey to your birthday dinner and instead of eating dinner, Harvey will be put on trial. No biggy.

Her task complete, she turns away and heads off to the counter. Sabrina snaps out of her surprise and follows after.

Sabrina- Big biggy! followed by a humungus... huh?!

Hilda- Your great aunt Irma, and by great I mean horrendously evil, found out that you told Harvey that you’re a witch.

Sabrina- Technically, I didn’t tell Harvey I was a witch, he found out on his own.

Hilda- Aunt Irma’s not one for subtleties. She’s coming tomorrow and we’re all in deep donkey dung if she doesn’t think Harvey can keep the secret.

Sabrina- Come on aunt Hilda, we’re family. What’s the worst she would do to us?

Hilda- Ask her daughter Phyllis. She told a mortal she was a witch and...

Hilda reaches into her bag, obviously expecting this question, and pulls out a delicate little ornament of a pink clad ballerina posed on tippy-toe within a glass bubble. Aunt Irma’s clearly from cousin Amanda’s ‘Put them in a jar’ school of retribution.

Hilda- (Cont.) ...She’s been wearing that tutu for three hundred years.

Sabrina- On second thought, y’know, why would I want to spend my birthday with the guy I care most about in the world

Int. College house. Harvey and Morgan sit on the settee watching TV and Miles hunts for snacks while Roxie makes the arrangements.

Roxie- Okay guys, here’s the menu for tomorrow. Spaghetti, corn and bread.

Harvey- You have a special guest coming from out of town and you’re making three starches?

Roxie- It’s called, comfort food.

Morgan- It’s called, the only food she knows how to cook.

Miles- Hey, it’s a free dinner! (To Roxie) It is free, isn’t it?

She is saved from giving and answer by the phone ringing. She answers.

Roxie- (On phone) Hello? Hey Isaac! Okay, here’s the plan. We’re gonna eat dinner, then we’re gonna go down to the soup kitchen to volunteer and then... What can you bring for dinner?... er... I guess we could use some potatoes... Right, see you at seven.

She hangs up.

Morgan- So, tell us about your friend, Isaac.

Roxie- Actually, he’s my ex-boyfriend, and I don’t wanna make a big deal out of this but, he’s Isaac Hanson. (On their lack of response) Y’know, of Hanson?

Miles- You mean the all natural soda people?

Roxie- No, the rock group! But when I dated him he was a guy with a second hand guitar and a Honda.

Morgan- Oh! Then he became famous, realised he could do better and dumped you. Phew! Once again, my world makes sense.

Roxie glares at her.

Miles- Wow! What are the odds of a rock star spending an evening with a guy like me? Maybe he could teach me how to be cool.

Roxie- He’s Isaac Hanson, not the messiah, and, FYI, he likes to be treated like a regular guy. So no special attention.

Miles- So I shouldn’t offer to butter his corn?

A cell phone rings. Harvey digs into his pocket, pulls it out and answers.

Harvey- (On phone) Kinkle.

Sabrina- It’s Sabrina. We have a problem, are you alone?

Harvey- I can be. (To Morgan) It’s my... gastroenterologist. You don’t wanna hear this.

He gets up and leaves.

Ext. College house front porch. Harvey comes out and puts the phone back to his ear.

Harvey- What’s up, Sabrina?

Sabrina- My aunt Irma found out that you know I’m a witch. She want to meet you tomorrow and ask you a few questions.

Harvey- But tomorrow’s Roxie’s dinner. I had plans to eat spaghetti with Isaac Hanson.

Sabrina- Harvey, listen closely. When people disappoint aunt Irma, she turns them into things.

Harvey- What kind of things?

Sabrina- Well, ya know Big Ben? He wasn’t always a clock.

Harvey- I’ll see you tomorrow.

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. Sabrina lays the bad news on Josh.

Josh- (Disappointed) What do you mean, we can’t see each other on your birthday?!

Sabrina- The truth is, my birthday dinner is usually just family. It’s kind of a tradition, but then things got really complicated when my aunt Irma announced she was coming. Oh she’s bitter, cranky and just a little, y’know...

She twirls her finger at her temple and whistles a cuckoo.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’m really sorry Josh.

Josh- It’s okay. We’ve got a few nuts hanging from our family tree. Besides, in a good relationship, you can’t let one evening come between you.

Sabrina smiles happily.

Int. The College house. Harvey lays the bad news on Morgan.

Morgan- (Livid) You’re standing me up for tomorrow night?!! We’re through!

Harvey- My hands are tied! The whole Kinkle clan decided to have a last minute family reunion... at the farm.

Morgan- Farm?! And what, exactly, do the Kinkles grow on the Kinkle farm?

Harvey- Urm... (Brainwave) Minks.

Morgan- Minks? You really expect me to... (The penny drops) Oh Harvey, I want it full length with a really high collar.

She hugs him happily and Harvey gives a relived sigh.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda enters from the kitchen in her marigold gloves and with a bucket of cleaning supplies. She mops her brow as she joins her, equally marigold clad and cleaning weary sister and cat.

Zelda- <Sigh!> That complete aunt Irma’s demented demands. The house is totally sterile... like her.

A miniature tornado whips through the house with miniature lightning flashing within.

Hilda- O-oh! That’s either aunt Irma or a big wind chasing Helen Hunt.

Zelda- Okay, remember. Stick together and be strong. Don’t give her an inch.

Salem- She’ll be lucky if she gets an ‘hello’ out of me.

The tornado finally blows itself out leaving an ice-sculptured thrown and sitting in it, aunt Irma in her black cloak and clutching her ice staff.

Salem- (Cont.) Hussar m’lady! I am your humble servant.

Irma- Silence! You talking throw rug.

Salem- Ghe?!

Irma- Ah, you have a sandpaper tongue. (Kicking off her stiletto’s) I have corns on my feet. Do the math.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Sabrina and Harvey arrive.

Sabrina- Oh, just a couple of other things you need to know about my aunt Irma. Don’t look her in the eye, never start a sentence with ‘Anywho’ and she can smell fear, so stay down wind.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda’s showing aunt Irma their hospitality by presenting a laden tray.

Zelda- Would you care for some hot cocoa, aunt Irma?

Irma- You drink it, you’re nothing but skin and bones.

Zelda- Thank you.

Irma- And Hilda, I notice your ring finger is still bare.

Hilda- (With a fixed smile) So it is. (Aside to Zelda) There’s another finger I’d like her to see.

Sabrina and Harvey enter.

Sabrina- Hello everybody, we’re here.

Harvey- Nice to meet you aunt Irma.

Irma- I’ll be the judge of that.

Zelda- (Aside to Harvey) Don’t let us down Harvey.

Hilda- Our entire lives depend on you.

They both slip off to the kitchen.

Harvey- (To Sabrina) No pressure there.

Sabrina- You’ll do fine. (To Irma) Hello aunt Irma. How nice of you to come for my birthd...

Irma- (Interrupting) Silence! So this is the infamously trustworthy mortal? We’re going to find out if you can take a secret to the grave, Harvey Kinkle.

She cackles in true wicked witch style and waves her finger to get that Oh-so-effective lightning and thunder accompaniment.

Harvey- (Aside to Sabrina) Should I bow?

Sabrina- (Frightened) It wouldn’t hurt.

Harvey bows and Sabrina curtsies.

Int. College house. Miles and Morgan study the laptop computer screen while Roxie continues preparations for her visitor.

Miles- Wow! Hanson’s web page gets a million hits a day! The only hits I get on my web page is me... checking to see if I got any hits on my web page.

Roxie- Why don’t you log into the chat room and find out why Isaac’s half an hour late for dinner?

The doorbell rings.

Morgan- (Excited) Oh he’s here! He’s here! I’ll get it. (Opening the door) I am such a huge fan of... Not you.

Josh enters carrying a gift wrapped present.

Josh- And a lovely evening to you too. Can you tell Sabrina I’m here?

Roxie- She’s already went to her aunts house.

Josh- Oh bummer! I thought I could catch her before she left. I really want her to get her present on her birthday.

Morgan- Oh!

She takes the present from Josh and shakes it by her ear.

Morgan- (Cont.) I hear leather and... twenty percent off.

Josh- (Snatching it back) It was fifteen! I’ll just drop it by her aunts house.

He leaves.

Int. Spellman dining room. Harvey all wired up and the inquisition has begun.

Irma- Is your name Harvey Kinkle?

Harvey- Yes.

The needle on the lie detector remains calm. Sabrina, Zelda and Hilda applaud.

Zelda- Well done! Let’s eat.

Irma- Silence! I’m not through. (To Harvey) Can you be trusted to keep the Spellman’s secret?

Harvey- Absolutely!

Again, the needle doesn’t so much as twitch.

Irma- You’re lying.

Sabrina- Erm, aunt Irma, I don’t mean to question your interrogation skills, but um, your lie detector isn’t plugged in.

Irma- You’re lying.

Sabrina holds up the plug.

Irma- (Cont.) Okay, you’re not lying... but you’re insolent. I never trusted these machines anyway.

She points and zaps the lie detector away.

Irma- (Cont.) Let’s move on to a more accurate method of truth detection... Hot coals. Somebody fetch me a frosty drink.

She wanders to the living room while Harvey dashes over to Sabrina.

Harvey- Hot coals?!

Sabrina- Don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll cool down once she’s had a cold beverage.

She leads him to the kitchen.

Zelda- Okay, we’re gonna be fine.

Hilda- What planet are you on? We’re out of frosty drinks!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina tries to calm down an Irate Harvey.

Sabrina- You can’t let aunt Irma rattle you.

Harvey- Sabrina, the woman wants to grill me... literally!

Sabrina- It’s healthier than being deep fried.

Harvey’s not impressed by the joke so Sabrina tries a proven method of calming him.

Sabrina- (Cont.) (Throwing her arms wide) Hug?

Ext. Spellman back yard. Josh walks up with his present and bends to put it down by the door. That’s when he sees his girlfriend hugging he ex-boyfriend at the birthday dinner that is family only. Is it any wonder that he gets three and seven eighths from his two and two.

Josh- (Under his breath) Family tradition, huh? That must be aunt Harvey.

He walks away, taking his present with him.

Int. College house. Morgan, Miles and Roxie are sitting down to their starch rich dinner, but only Roxie is tucking in.

Roxie- What’s with you guys, you haven’t touched any of your food?

Miles- I’m waiting out of respect for Mr. Hanson.

Morgan- And I just hate your cooking.

The phone rings and Roxie picks it up.

Roxie- (On phone) Hello?... I understand... Thanks for calling. (She puts down the phone) Isaac’s assistant. It doesn’t look like he’s gonna make it after all.

Miles- I can’t believe he’d stand you up after all the trouble you went to.

Morgan- These rock stars are so insensitive! How could Isaac do this?

Roxie- I’m okay with it.

Morgan- I mean to me! My evening is ruined.

She lets her head slump into her hands in a sulk.

Roxie- Oh mine’s not gonna be. I’m going to the soup kitchen.

She grabs a large pot of spaghetti and head for the door.

Miles- I’ll go with you. Morgan d’you want to help the needy?

Morgan- (Getting up) Yes I do! And I’m going to start with a bubble bath.

She stomps off to the bath room.

Int. Spellman living room. The smell of roast Kinkle fills the air as the rotisserie slowly turns. The heat from the hot coals is beginning to melt aunt Irma’s ice throne that is currently occupied by Salem. Irma fans the coals while Sabrina fans poor Harvey, who strapped to the spit is basting nicely.

Salem- Y’know, I almost hate to say it, but he smells delicious!

Sabrina- Harvey, how’ya doin’?

Harvey- Oh I’m all right. It’s not as hot as it looks.

Irma- Yet. All right people, let’s get this over with. You’re in a dark alley and a hoodlum throws you against the wall. He asks, ‘Are the Spellman’s witches?’ What do you say?

Sabrina- He says ‘No!’

Irma- Only the mortal speaks!

Harvey- I say ‘No!’

Irma- Copy-cat! (To Hilda and Zelda) The boy hasn’t got a mind of his own... although he cooks quite evenly.

Hilda- They say slow cooking seals in the juices... (Shocked) What am I saying?!

Zelda- Aunt Irma, it’s just not fair to question Harvey while he’s roasting at four seventy-five!

Irma- Oh keep talking darling and I’ll make it five hundred.

Hilda- May God forgive me but... I’m going to set the table.

She makes to leave.

Zelda- Hilda!

Hilda- I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m saying! Aunt Irma always turns me into a basket case.

Irma- Oh thanks for reminding me.

She points and Hilda’s zapped into the sideboard as a basket of fruit, gift wrapped with a big bow.

Hilda- Help, I’m dried fruit!

Int. College house. Morgan sits alone with all Sabrina’s birthday presents. She picks them up and gives them a shake next to her ear.

Morgan- Oooh! Sabrina’s cousin sent her a cashmere sweater. (Gives it another shake) No wait! (Disappointed) Marino wool.

The doorbell rings. Morgan jumps up to answer.

Morgan- (Cont.) Please be Isaac Hanson.

It’s Josh.

Morgan- (Cont.) Didn’t we just do this?

Josh- (Coming in) Oh you’re gonna love this. I just stopped by the Spellman’s, where I saw Sabrina with her arms around Harvey.

Morgan- No! Harvey’s supposed to be hand selecting my mink!

Josh- Yeah, well Harvey’s pulling the mink over your eyes. Obviously, those two are secretly dating.

Morgan- Then we should secretly date to get back at them.

Josh- Oh yeah, that’s the answer. Where’s Miles and Roxie?

Morgan- They went to that soup kitchen she’s always yapping about.

Josh- Hey, y’know what? That’s not such a bad idea. You and I have better things to do than sit around here feeling sorry for ourselves.

Morgan- You’re right! Have a nice time at the soup kitchen. I’m going to drown my sorrows and different way.

She sits down at the table, picks up another one of Sabrina’s presents and gives it a shake. Josh shakes his head and leaves.

Morgan- Oh this one’s a return waiting to happen.

Int. Spellman dining room. The sound of popping muscles accompanies the magical turning of the ratchet on the rack that now dominates the room. As might be expected, Harvey isn’t too happy about this.

Irma- Twice you’ve been interrogated and twice you’ve failed. Yet, if you can answer this one simple question honestly, this crucible will be over. Kinkle, in your opinion, am I an attractive woman?

Harvey- ...?

Zelda- (Thinking) If he says ‘Yes’ she’ll never believe him.

Harvey- ...?

Sabrina- (Thinking) If he says ‘No’ she’ll turn him into a dust ruffle.

Harvey- ...?

Hilda- (Thinking) You’ve no idea how much I’d like to be a fig right now.

Harvey- ...?

Salem- (Thinking) I wonder if I should have my tail enlarged?

Harvey- ...?

Irma- Well Kinkle, Am I an attractive woman?

Harvey- Well, on the outside, you’re nice looking...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Good Harvey!

Harvey- But...

Zelda- (Interrupting) No buts! No buts!

Harvey- ...on the inside, honestly, you’re hideous!

Sabrina- Bad Harvey! Very very bad!

Zelda- Oh-no, here it comes. (Turning to her sister) Hilda, it’s been nice knowing you in your present form.

Hilda- Likewise. Maybe we’ll get lucky and end up a washer, drier combo.

Sabrina- I’ll be the bleach.

Irma- (To Harvey) You’re right, Kinkle. I am hideous on the inside. So hideous, that I’ve baked you, stretched you and put you on a rotisserie. So evil, that if I were to let you go out into the world you would tell everyone that the Spellman’s are witches.

Harvey- No I wouldn’t! I'd never do anything that would hurt Sabrina.

Sabrina smiles pleased.

Irma- Good answer!

Sabrina- Really good answer.

Irma points and the rack that is holding Harvey vanishes. Harvey slumps, relieving the pain in his shoulders and back.

Irma- I’m convinced out secret is safe with you. You may return to your mortal life.

Hilda- (Excited) You’re free!

Sabrina and Zelda high five.

Harvey- Not by a long shot. I promised Morgan a mink.

Sabrina- Oh, maybe I can help out.

She points and Harvey’s tired and aching arms are suddenly full of fur.

Sabrina- (Cont.) It’s a mink substitute but she’ll never know the difference.

Harvey- (Inspecting the coat) You do beautiful work. I love the lining.

He leaves.

Sabrina- Well, I’ve gotta call Josh and salvage whatever’s left of my birthday. Not that this wasn’t absolutely lovely.

She leaves for the kitchen and the phone.

Int. The soup kitchen. A down and out enters rubbing his hands together for warmth and walks over to the counter where Roxie, Miles and Josh are doing their bit for the more needy people of the city.

Josh- (Serving) You see, now this is what life’s really about. Helping others. It’s not about material belongings or anything...

A phone rings. Josh dips his hand into his pocket and pulls out his mobile phone and flips it open.

Josh- (On phone) Y’ello?

Sabrina- Hey Josh.

Josh- You’re dead to me, Sabrina.

He hangs up.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina stares at the dead phone.

Int. The soup kitchen.

Josh- (Angry) Bun?!

McGeorge- (Afraid of the angry guy) I’ll pass.

The phone rings again. Josh answers.

Sabrina- Dead to you? What’s going on?

Josh- I stopped by your aunts house with your birthday present. I saw you and Harvey hugging.

Sabrina- Oh-no! I can explain everything...

Josh- (Interrupting) Don’t bother, I’m busy helping those in need!

He hangs up again and turns to McGeorge, the old down and out.

Josh- (Cont.) Hey buddy, what, My buns ain’t good enough for you?

Int. College house. Morgan sits alone flicking through channels on the TV with the remote. The doorbell rings.

Morgan- <Sigh!> That boy doesn’t know if he’s coming or going. (Calling out) Come in, Josh!

The door opens but it’s not Josh.

Isaac Hanson- Hello.

Morgan leaps up from the settee with a delighted squeal and dashes over to greet her guest in a fit of giggles.

Isaac Hanson- (Cont.) It never gets old. Hey,

Morgan- (Holding out her hand) I’m Morgan.

Isaac Hanson- (Shaking it) I’m Isaac. (Holding up a bag) I hope you don’t mind, I brought a meat dish?

Morgan- Honey, you are the meat dish... I said that out loud didn’t I?

He nods yes.

Isaac Hanson- Where’s Roxie?

Morgan- Er at-at some soup place. Y’know, she didn’t feel like waiting around for you but... I did.

Isaac Hanson- Well I don’t want Rox to be mad at me. Do ya want to jump in the limo and we’ll head down there?

Morgan- If you think that I’m the kind of girl who would jump into a limo with a stranger, you are so right!

She grabs her coat and Isaac’a arm and they leave.

Int. The soup kitchen. Miles is having a meaningful conversation with one of the homeless guys.

Miles- ...So if you think about it, we’re all just bacteria under the fingernail of a colossal, ambivalent man god, who I privately refer to as Jasper, The Magnificent.

Baxter- Dude, you just made me realise somethin’ If a guy like you is functioning in society, then I gave up way too soon.

Sabrina enters and finds Josh playing dominoes with the old guy he was yelling at earlier.

Sabrina- Josh.

Josh- I’m listening.

Sabrina- There’s nothing going on between me and Harvey.

Josh- You were hugging him.

Sabrina- It’s my birthday! A lot of people are giving me birthday hugs.

She grabs a passing hobo and gives him a hug to demonstrate.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay! Okay! Hugs over.

She manages to extricate herself from the guys arms.

Josh- (Standing) Sabrina, why would you lie to me about a family birthday and then spend it with Harvey?

Sabrina- It was out of my control.

Josh- So what are you saying, he just showed up and you were obligated to hang all over him?

Sabrina- Josh, you gotta believe me. This whole evening has been torture... literally. (Putting her arms around his neck) The only person I wanna hang all over is you.

Josh- How can I believe you?

She stretches up on her toes and kisses him.

Josh- (Cont.) That makes it a little easier.

Sabrina- Look, my birthday’s not over yet. Why don’t we go back to my aunts house and we’ll celebrate together like we should have done in the first place?

Josh- That would be great.

Sabrina- And I can open the gift you got me.

Josh- Oh! I think you’re really gonna like it. And don’t believe what Morgan tells you, it was only fifteen percent off.

He grabs his coat as she mulls that last comment over before they leave.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters through the back door followed by Josh.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda!

There’s no reply.

Josh- Er Sabrina, you’ve got three little pigs in your house.

She looks down and sure enough there are three little piggies. One of them is all black.

Sabrina- And I bet I know who the big bad wolf is.

She points at Josh freezing him in place.

First little piggy- Sabrina, thank goodness you’re here.

Sabrina- What happened? When I left, everything was cosher and now you’re pork?

First little piggy- Just as aunt Irma was about to leave, somebody called her prune-face.

Second little piggy- What? I adore dried fruit and, having been dried fruit, I feel qualified to say that.

Third little piggy- Hey, who’s up for makin’ bacon?

Int. The soup kitchen. Roxie wants to show off her culinary skills but the starving down and outs are strangely reluctant.

Roxie- Come on people! No one’s eating the spaghetti. I made it myself.

One of the guys decides to brave it and holds out his plate. Roxie smiles as scoops up a wooden spoon load, but the load proves too great and the spoon snaps.

Roxie- (Cont.) I think it needs salt.

Morgan enters with an Isaac Hanson attached securely to her arm.

McGeorge- Oh you poor kids. Come in and have some soup.

Morgan- Oh thanks, but we had these great little quiches in the limo. (Calling out) Everybody! This is Isaac Hanson from... Hanson.

McGeorge- Yeah, and I’m Steve Snapple from Snapple.

Isaac spots someone across the room.

Isaac Hanson- Yo, Rox!

Roxie- (Running over) Isaac! (Hugging) I’m so glad you finally made it. I’ve got the next twenty-four hours planed out for us.

Isaac Hanson- Roxie, you’re gonna hate me when I tell you this but I can’t stay. The plans have changed. I can only be here for a couple of hours.

Roxie- Let me guess. You and the boys are jetting to Paris to go clubbing with Madonna?

Isaac Hanson- Actually, no. We’re flying to Ohio to sing for some kids at a hospital.

Roxie- Ah, I did not know that.

Isaac Hanson- But I’m really sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

Roxie- I can think of something.

A strange guy taps Isaac on his shoulder.

Miles- Listen and listen good, Hanson. You may be tops in pop, but I don’t like you dissing my friend Roxie or your implied dis with regards to me! We’re through, capiche?

He walks off and Isaac and Roxie can do little but just watch him do it.

Roxie- (To Isaac) Never seen him before in my life.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina and the three little pigs have moved in there and Sabrina tries to do something about their predicament.

Sabrina- (Calling out) Aunt Irma, I need to talk to you! I know you’re out there somewhere!

A burst of sparkles clears to leave aunt Irma.

Irma- What is it now? I was right in the middle of bar-b-queing my brother-in-law.

Sabrina- Look, I don’t care if aunt Hilda called you her pet name for dried plums. You had no right to turn her, or anyone else into barnyard animals!

Irma- I beg your pardon! Do you know to whom you’re speaking?

Sabrina- Silence! It’s my turn now and I want to set the record straight. These two little piggies have do a fantastic job in raising me and the third little piggy... well we’ll get back to him later. The point is, they don’t deserve your stupid punishment! If it makes you happy, taking your anger out on somebody, take it out on me!

Sabrina burst of courage evaporates as she realises what she’s just said and who she’s said it to. She cowers back, closing her eyes and covering her head with arms as she waits for the finger to fall. She contemplates her future in the truffle business.

Irma- (Pacing around Sabrina) My-my-my-my-my-my-my, what a brazen little witch you turned out to be. You’re the first person who’s ever stood up to me.

Sabrina- (Still cowering) Could you just give me a general idea of what’s gonna happen here?

Irma- Certainly! With an attitude like that you may wind up being the next matriarch of the Spellman dynasty.

Sabrina- (Surprised) Say what now?

Irma- Sabrina, you’re a formidable young lady and you’ve earned my respect. I will now take my leave... right after you give your auntie a great big hug.

Sabrina tentatively goes to do that and gets as far as having her hand near Irma’s waist.

Irma- (Cont.) Enough! Happy birthday and good bye.

She raises her finger to zap herself back to her bar-B but Sabrina grabs her arm to stop her leaving.

Sabrina- Wait! What about the little piggies?

Irma- Oh they’re so much cuter this way. (On Sabrina’s look) Oh, very well.

With a single finger twirl she not only turns the three little pigs back into Hilda, Zelda and Salem but vanishes as well. The ex-pigs get up from all fours... except for Salem who feels more comfortable that way.

Hilda- Sabrina, that was incredible!

Zelda- An extraordinary display of courage and principle.

Salem- I taught you that.

Sabrina- I’d love to accept your accolades but I’ve got a birthday to celebrate and a boyfriend to thaw.

She sets about some serious finger work to lay out the table and release Josh. He walks through from the kitchen.

Josh- Oh Sabrina, there you are. What happened to the three little pigs?

Sabrina- Oh, they lived happily ever after. You know somebody still hasn’t given me my birthday hug.

She opens her arms but somebody beats Josh to it.

Sabrina- (Smiling and stroking the black cat in her arms) You’re next, Josh.

Int. Spellman dining room, later. The birthday meal is coming to an end.

Hilda- Sabrina, what would you like for dessert? We’ve got birthday cake and ice cream?

Zelda- and gingerbread cookies and cobbler?

Sabrina- Whoa-whoa-whoa! I am way too stuffed.

Josh- Hey, do you know what would be a great idea? We take all of those desserts down to the soup kitchen and share them with the people there.

Sabrina- Sexy and socially aware. Can I pick ‘em or what?

Int. The soup kitchen. Josh and the Spellman’s arrive laden down with sweet goodness to find that there is already far more going on than is common at the soup kitchen. Isaac Hanson has been joined by his brothers, Taylor and Zac, as they bang out ‘Hey’. The down and outs get up to get down.

Hanson- (Singing) when I'm making my movie, baby
you keep faking all my
you keep breaking all my

Hey,
you want that fine
White wine
On my Dime

What you want from me?
'Cause you're on my mind
Don't you care no more
that you're losing yourself?

Don't you want some truth?
'Cause I'll give you mine

Hey, when I'm making my movie, baby
you keep takin all my lines
hey, after Sunset Drive Cruise-in, baby
You're just yesterday's prize
Hey, doo doo doo doo

Run credits.