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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Humble Pie

Written By - Laurie Gelman
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Josh - David Lascher
Miles - Trevor Lissauer
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Wally - Ron Lester
Professor Carlin - David Starzyk
President Banning - Geoff Pierson
Other Realm Creature - Sara Ballantine
Delivery Man - Keisuke Hoashi
Alan - Raffaele Di Blasio
Customer - Jeff Witzke
Patty - Leslie Stevens
Professor - D. Elliot Woods
Pizza Man - Paul McKinney

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Adams College hallway. Sabrina walks through them but suddenly comes to a stop, her eyes widening. Right there, in public view. Right outside President Banning’s office are Aunt Zelda and her current paramour, Professor Carlin. Sabrina watches as the talk, gazing adoringly into each others eyes. A smile crosses her lips as Professor Carlin leans in and kisses Zelda before, reluctantly, going off to class. Once Zelda is alone, Sabrina approaches.

Sabrina- Well-well-well, what’s new-new-new?

Zelda- Oh Sabrina, hi. Arthur and I were just having a little discussion about physics.

Sabrina- Oh, it looked a little more like chemistry to me. So, I didn’t know you and Professor Carlin, or should I say Arthur, were involved again?

Zelda- We’ve been seeing each other... casually. He was just keeping me company while I wait for President Banning. My meeting was scheduled an hour ago. I wonder what’s keeping him.

Sabrina- Oh I’m sure he’s just tied up with something important.

Hilda- (OS) Stop! That tickles! That tickles too! Ha-ha!

Zelda- Say it aint so.

Sabrina- Oh I would if I could.

President Banning’s door opens and a dishevelled but happy Hilda comes out and is surprised to find her sister and niece stood outside the door.

Hilda- (Trying to straighten her hair) Hi Zellie. Sabrina.

Zelda- This is what higher education has sunk to.

Hilda- I love the academic life, and guess what? I’ve just made the Deans list.

With a laugh she strolls off leaving to open mouthed witches in her wake.

Run opening credits

Int. College house. The whole gang are there as the doorbell rings. Morgan, who's sat at the table and nearest to the door doesn’t so much as look up from the magazine she’s reading.

Morgan- Will somebody get that? This article on hairstyle make-overs is too good to put down.

Sabrina- (Walking past on her way to the door.) Oooh, love Helen Iverson in a scrunchy.

She answers the door. A young man walks in with a clip-board.

Alan- Hi, hope I’m not bothering you. This will only take a minute.

He hands the end of a tape measure to Sabrina and starts to measure the room. Sabrina stands there for a moment before thinking to question him. She lets go of her end of the tape which shoots back into Alan’s hand.

Sabrina- Hey! Whaddya think ya doing?

Alan- Checking out my new digs.

Roxie- What digs? We’re the only ones who live in this house.

Miles- With the possible exception of micro-organisms that may have crawled up from the earth’s crust. (On everyone’s look) Or not.

Alan- The housing office said there was going to be a vacancy here because someone didn’t pay their rent.

Sabrina- That’s ridiculous. (To her room-mates) Everyone paid their rent, right?

Roxie- Right! Which means you and your tape measure can take a hike.

Alan- (Heading for the door) Okay, okay. I guess I’ll just have to find another place big enough to hold my high frequency radio telescope.

Miles- (Running after him) Come back! We’ll throw someone out!

Roxie- I don’t have time for this bureaucratic stupidity. I have to go to advanced calculus and deal with my own stupidity.

She grabs her coat and leaves.

Sabrina- (To Morgan) Can you believe that housing office?

Morgan- Tell me about it. They said they’d give me an extension.

Sabrina- (Surprised) Extension? Morgan, you’re the one that didn’t pay the rent?

Morgan- It’s not my fault! Daddy put me on a tight budget and I had a couple of emergencies. (On Sabrina’s look) Powder pumps. I bought them in burnished eggplant and spicy rust.

Sabrina- Well you’ve gotta trade ‘em in for some cacky green hundred dollar bills or you’re going to be living out on the street.

Morgan- True, but shoe wise, I’m set for Fall and Winter.

She turns and heads for her room. Sabrina can only stand watching her go with a bemused expression.

Int. College house later. Roxie and Miles have returned.

Sabrina- Morgan would be totally embarrassed if she knew I was asking you this but we’ve gotta help her out. Mismanaging money could happen to anyone.

Roxie- Couldn’t happen to me. I don’t have enough money to mismanage.

Miles- I’d rather discuss who gets Morgan’s spacious bedroom? Mine is so small, I have to store my allergy medication in my socks

Roxie- At least you get to do it in private. I have a room-mate who watches my every hygienic move.

Sabrina- Right, like I care that you’re a serial exfoliator.

For which she gets a punch on her arm.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Guys, look, a room-mate is in crisis and I believe that, if push came to shove, she’d be there for us.

Miles- This is Morgan we’re talking about?

Sabrina- Look, all I can say is, underneath Morgan’s shallow exterior...

Roxie- (Interrupting) Is a shallow interior.

Sabrina- Right... but underneath that is an okay person. That’s why I’m taking the money I was saving for Josh’s birthday and loaning it to Morgan.

Roxie- <Sigh!> Okay, fine, I’m in.

Miles- Me too.

Roxie- But it’s gonna be pretty tight for me this month. No luxuries like - what is that thing called? Oh yeah - food.

Miles- And I’ll be giving up my lifeline, Sudafed.

Int. Spellman Living room. Hilda comes down the stairs to find things very quiet. Both Zelda and Salem are sat reading a book called ‘Naked came the Caterer’ on the settee.

Hilda- Hi. Whaddya doin’?

Zelda- Salem and I joined the Other Realm Book Club.

Hilda- Oh how nice for you. Well while you’re sitting around reading about life, I’ll be out living it. I’ve been invited to a dinner party at Wayne’s house.

Zelda- A dinner party? With the president of my college?

Hilda- Oh it’s just an intimate gathering. President Banning, Moiré and the people who are really close to him.

Hilda- Well I wonder why I wasn’t invited? I thought Wayne and I were friends.

Zelda- Well maybe he doesn’t want to mix business with pleasure. Besides, you have a full life. You have your reading group... with your cat.

Salem- We may not be the Algonquin round table, but we have better snacks!

Zelda- (Putting down her book) Hilda, this is really making me mad.

Hilda- Oh come on. It’s just one little, fabulous soiree

Zelda- You could have put in a good word and gotten Arthur and me invited to that party. Instead you throw it in my face and laugh, why? What are you getting out of this?

Hilda- Inner peace and, from what I understand, a very tasty veal chop.

Salem- Oh the gravy! The Gravy!

Hilda leaves and Zelda and Salem get back to their books.

Int. President Banning’s, rather posh, house. Most of the guest are all ready here and Wayne is moving amongst them being the perfect host. The doorbell rings, he answers.

President Banning- Ah Hilda!

Hilda- Hi.

She comes forward into his arms and accepts his kiss.

President Banning- May I take your wrap?

Hilda- Sure, but, if you don’t mind, I’d like to keep my skirt on for the party.

President Banning- Talk to me after the hors d’oeuvres.

They laugh as he takes her wrap and they are approached by professor Carlin.

Professor Carlin- Ah Wayne, perhaps you can settle the debate I’m having with the chair of the philosophy department? Is this real, or imitation crab?

He holds up a tray of hors d’oeuvres.

President Banning- It’s as real as my affection for this charming creature next to me. Hilda, do you know professor Carlin?

Hilda- He’s dating my older sister.

President Banning has to go and circulate.

President Banning- Oh, excuse me.

He leaves just as a lovely young lady in a slinky black dress comes over and slips her arm through professor Carlin’s

Hilda- And, apperantly, this little trollop.

Professor Carlin- (To the girl) Ashley, would you excuse me for a moment?

He hands her the plate and with a pout, she leaves. He takes Hilda aside.

Professor Carlin- (Cont.) Look, I know this is a little awkward but there’s no need to get upset.

Hilda- Oops! Too late!

Professor Carlin- Zelda and I have an agreement that we don’t date each other exclusively.

Hilda- Oh really? Well, according to my understanding of the word agreement, both people have to be in on it.

Professor Carlin- Both people are.

Hilda- Yes! You and Ashley, and I suppose when she needs help with her homework, you’re right on top of it.

Hilda tosses her head and storms off. She walks passed Ashley, who’s offering Wayne a crab snack, and grabs his arm.

Hilda- (Cont.) No!

She drags him away.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee house. Sabrina’s on top of getting customers to buy stuff.

Sabrina- So, have you guys decided what you want yet?

Roxie- I’d like a Frappuccino, but since I lent Morgan all my money, I’ll go with water.

Miles- That sound good, make it two.

Sabrina scribbles down the order and moves on to another table, picks up a rather nice tip from the three elderly guys there and heads back to the counter. She passes Josh, who’s just arrived, on the way.

Josh- Wow! A ten dollar tip?! That’s more than I ever got when I worked here. What’s your secret?

Sabrina- Flirting heavily with any guy named Clyde, Ervine or Morty.

She smiles brightly and waves to the three guys who all wave back happily.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And just so you know. This money is going to help buy your surprise birthday present, which, by the way, you’ll never guess in a million years.

Josh- Photographers vest, medium, navy blue.

Sabrina- A-ha! Royal blue.

Josh- Seriously Sabrina, those are really expensive. You’re going to have to serve Morty a lot o’ coffee cake to afford that.

Sabrina- I’m on it. (Calling out) Hey Morty, those new trifocals make you look ten years younger.

Morty grins and whips out a fresh, crisp ten dollar bill. She smiles at Josh who shakes his head and heads for the door just as Morgan enters. She’s walking a little lop-sided because of the weight of the new shoulder bag she carrying. Josh notices it, it’s hard to miss.

Josh- Oh that purse! Ever heard of the endangered species act?

Morgan- Ever heard of shaving cream?

He’s no answer with his designer stubble so he leaves and Morgan goes over to join Roxie and Miles on the settee.

Roxie- Hey Morgan, nice ensemble. Where’d’ya get the purse? Is it new?

Morgan- To me. Before that, I believe, it belonged to the alligator.

Roxie- Excuse us.

She grabs Miles’ arm and drags him along with her to the counter to collar Sabrina.

Roxie- Quick question. Why is Morgan buying an expensive alligator purse when she owes us money?

Sabrina- I don’t know. Maybe it was a gift or... maybe it’s a cheap synthetic. Y’know, Schmalligator.

Miles- You don’t really believe that do you?

Sabrina- I’m giving Morgan the benefit of the doubt. She said she’s gonna pay us back and we should believe her. Any other questions?

Miles- Yes! If there’s a Schmalligator, is there also a Schmocodile?

Int. College house. Roxie and Miles are in the kitchen preparing their evening meal. Morgan comes bouncing happily down the stairs.

Morgan- Oh I’m starved. What are you guys having for dinner?

Roxie and Miles- (Together) Creamed corn.

Morgan- Oh didn’t you have that last night?

Miles- Had it for breakfast too.

Morgan- I go through weird food phases myself. One week, all I wanted was shataki mushrooms.

The doorbell rings.

Morgan- (Cont.) Now I’m on a sushi kick.

She goes to answers the door.

Roxie- (Aside to Miles) I’ll give her a sushi kick.

At the door.

Delivery Man- Hi, did someone order the Mount Fuji special?

Morgan- Someone right here.

She pulls out a wad of cash and starts to peel some off. She soon gets fed-up with that and hands the whole wad to the delivery man.

Morgan- Just keep the change.

Delivery Man- (Delighted) Wow! Thanks, God bless ya.

She takes the bag of sushi and the delivery man leaves. Morgan turns to her room-mates who have just witnessed the exchange.

Morgan- Miles, Roxie, Anybody want some sushi? It’s the best in town.

Roxie- I can’t believe you ordered sushi!

Morgan- I know, I’ve heard all those stories about raw fish and bacteria but you don’t have to worry if you’re willing to pay top-dollar.

With a smile she takes her take away and heads up to her room. Miles and Roxie are doing anything but smiling.

Miles- Yeah! Our top-dollars!

See Sabrina coming from her room smiling doesn’t exactly improve Roxie and Miles’ mood.

Sabrina- Hi. What’s going on?

Roxie- Don’t ‘Hi’ me. You told us Morgan was broke and now she’s spending our money on purses and fish!

Sabrina picks up the sushi receipt that Morgan had left on the counter.

Sabrina- Yikes! This is what they’re getting for fresh water eel? This is ridiculous. I’ll go talk to Morgan right now.

Miles- Thank you. Oh, and how would you like your corn served?

Sabrina- To someone else.

Int. Morgan’s bedroom. Morgan is sitting on the bed eating her sushi with chop sticks and reading the instructions on a box. There’s a knock at her door.

Sabrina- (OS) Morgan, it’s me!

Morgan- Come on in... and bring your complexion problems.

Sabrina- (Having entered) Why, are we having a blackhead party?

Morgan- We may.

She holds up what had come in the box.

Morgan- (Cont.) Look what I just bought. An electronic pore cleanser. Now there’s no need to worry about those bumpy things on the side of your nose.

Sabrina- Funny, I don’t worry about stuff like that. I worry about why you’re spending the money you borrowed on frivolous junk?

Morgan- Sabrina...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) No, that’s right. It’s immoral, it’s unethical and nobody gives a hoot about the side of your nose.

Morgan- They will once I shrink these pores. Sabrina, I am hurt that you would think that I wasn’t going to pay you back.

Sabrina- (Holding up Morgan’s new purse) Oh and why would I think that?

Morgan- Relax, everything is fixed. I called my dad, told him about my budgeting problems and he said he was going to send me a big, fat envelope. It’ll be here tomorrow.

Sabrina- Phew! That is such a relief.

Morgan goes over to her dresser and holds up the pore cleanser.

Morgan- Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some suctioning to do.

Sabrina- And won’t I miss that.

She leaves.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda and Salem’s book club are gathered comprising of various normal and some not so normal witches from the other realm. One of them is a kind of unicorn woman type creature.

Salem- I understand why the caterer was naked. I don’t understand why there weren’t any pictures!

Hilda enters all a’dither.

Hilda- Zelda, I need to talk t... Oh, hi everybody. Um, just ignore us.

She grabs Zelda’s arm and pulls her into the dinning room.

Zelda- Hilda, you interrupted my book club.

Hilda- They can wait. There is something that I have to tell you.

Zelda- What is it?

Hilda- ... I can’t tell you.

Zelda- Well then, since I have guests in the other room, perhaps I’ll go back.

She goes back to join her fellow book readers and Hilda follows.

Hilda- Your boyfriend is two-timing you with a twenty-five year old.

The four guests look up surprised at this announcement. They look at each other, back up at the wide eyed Zelda

Other Realm Creature- Gosh, look at the time! Hey, who’s up for strudel in the Other realm?

She clicks her finger and she and the other three vanish in a mist leaving just the Spellman sister and their cat.

Zelda- Hilda, you ruined my book club!

Hilda- You’ve got bigger problems sister! Arthur Carlin, the man you wanted to take to the dinner party, was at the dinner party with someone else.

Salem- So we heard. A twenty-five year old chickeepoo. (To Zelda) Only six hundred and thirty years younger than you.

Zelda- Says the cat who spikes his iced tea with Metamucil.

Salem- I like the texture!

Salem quickly sticks his nose back in his book.

Hilda- And get this. Then Carlin comes up with this lame excuse that you two have an agreement to see other people.

Zelda- Well we do! I’m the one who suggested it. Look Hilda, to be honest, it would have been nice if Arthur had taken me to that party, but he didn’t. I’m okay with it.

Hilda- <Tsk!> Likely story!

She pulls Zelda into a tight, comforting hug and pats her back.

Hilda- (Cont.) Don’t hold anything in sister, express your pain.

Zelda- The only pain I feel is your nails digging into my back!

Hilda releases her.

Zelda- (Cont.) Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to start my book for next week.

Zelda heads for the kitchen with Hilda following.

Hilda- Don’t you even wanna know what she looks like?

Zelda- No!

Salem- Yes!

Ext. The College house front porch. Roxie checks the mail box for the umpteenth time while Sabrina and Miles sit, showing a smidgen more patience.

Roxie- I don’t get it! Why is the mail late the one day we’re expecting money? If we don’t get our money back, we’re not going to be eating anything.

Miles- All I know is, I’m down to three decongestants and a packet of ketchup.

Roxie- My physics class starts in seven minutes.

Sabrina- All right, you guys go. I’ll er stay here and keep an eye out for the cash. (Reaching into her pocket) And here is some Sweet’n’low for the road.

Her room-mates gratefully take the sachets and leave.

Int. College house. Sabrina enters as Morgan dashes down stairs.

Morgan- Has the mailman been here yet?

Sabrina- Nope.

Morgan- (Looking out the window) Oh I wish he’d hurry up. I wanna get to Bloomingdales. I’m trying to improve my walking time between cosmetics and shoes.

Sabrina- Well it’s better than having no goals at all.

She spots the mailman coming onto the porch.

Sabrina- (Cont.) He’s here!

They both dive for the door. Morgan snatches the envelope from the mailman before he can get it in the box and takes it over to the table.

Morgan- Ah yes! The mother load!

It is a large envelope and she tips it’s contents onto the table.

Sabrina- Careful, don’t tear the money. This isn’t money?

Morgan- These are my... bills?

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘The Oklahoma Arian trading company’? ‘Just washcloths’? Oh the cheque must be in here!

From the pile of bills she pulls another, mush smaller, envelope and hands it to Morgan who rips it open.

Morgan- (Reading the note) ‘Dear Morgan, I hope your enjoying all the purchases you made because you wont be making any more. At least not with my money. Dad.’ Oh my god, I’ve been cut off! (Horrified) I’m broke!!

She collapses into a chair with a sob.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) That makes four of us.

Morgan- Daddy says until I learn how to manage my money, I’m not getting any more... Do I have a law suit here?!

Sabrina- Morgan, I wasn’t the only one that helped you out. Miles and Roxie chipped in too.

Morgan- (Amazed) They did? I had no idea how much they cared about me.

Sabrina- They don’t. I guilted them into doing it.

Morgan- Still, they took money out of their own pockets and gave it to me. Sabrina, I am hopeless! I just wish that somewhere along the way, someone had taught me how to stretch a dollar.

Sabrina- (Brightening) Stretch a dollar! That’s a good idea. Morgan, how much money do you have left?

Morgan- (Digging in her purse) A dollar.

Sabrina- (Taking it) Thank you.

Morgan- (Totally panicked) Where are you taking my last dollar?!

Sabrina- None of your business. Your business is to go out and get a job... at a business... and I mean business!

Sabrina leaves and Morgan sinks back into her chair and gazes at the pile of bills in despair.

Morgan- (To herself) A job? I guess this is what they mean by ‘Bottoming out’

Int. Stretch-It, The Other Realm. The proprietor comes out of the back with a sheet of freshly laundered money. Sabrina appears in a swirl of sparkles and glances at the neon sign that says ‘Cash. When you need it.’

Wally- Be right with ya. I gotta hang tens.

He hangs the sheet of ten dollar notes on a rack with many others.

Wally- (Cont.) How can I help ya?

Sabrina- Er I don’t know. I’ve seen your ads on Other Realm Cable but I still not sure, exactly, what you do?

Wally- (Counting on fingers) Well, we launder money, pinch pennies and, starting May first, serve Cajun buffalo wings.

Sabrina- (Holding up the dollar) Well er, can you stretch a mortal dollar?

Wally- Faster than a one eyed possum on a greased up armadillo!

Sabrina- I’ll assume that’s pretty fast. Here, go crazy.

She gives him the dollar which he takes over to a magical machine that looks suspiciously like a supped up clothes mangle.

Wally- Y’know, if you help stretch, you get a lot more bang for your buck and I’ll give you a buffalo wing coupon.

Sabrina- Oh well, I’ve never stretched anything before... well, except, maybe, the truth now and then.

He feeds the dollar into the machine and turns the handle until it’s halfway through.

Wally- Well grab the other half there and give it a pull.

They both pull and the dollar stretches like rubber until it’s almost a metre long.

Sabrina- Wow! This money’s really hard to hang on to.

Wally- Oh I hate this part.

The dollar snaps and both Wally and Sabrina fall backwards onto the floor. From the machine, however, an eruption of dollar bills occurs showering them both. Bells and whistles go off like a jackpot in a Las Vagas slot machine line.

Sabrina- (Gathering up money) Oh but I love this part! Wow! Hey, I think there’s a game show here.

Int. Adams College hallway. Hilda comes out of the Deans office looking a dishevelled again.

Hilda- (Calling back inside) You animal!

The smile on her face as she tries to restore her hair to some semblance of order clearly means that being an ‘animal’ is a good thing.

Hilda- (Cont.)(To herself) It’s like he grew an extra hand over the weekend.

She carries on down the hallway past an open classroom doorway and overhears.

Professor Carlin- (OS) Isn’t she gorgeous?

Hilda stops and moves back seeing that Arthur is showing a fellow professor a picture in his wallet. She keeps herself out of site to eavesdrop.

Professor Carlin- (Cont.) She takes my breath away.

Professor- Wow! I can see why.

Professor Carlin- Hm-hm.

Hilda- (Under her breath) I think this calls for a little hearing helper.

She points and gets herself a brass ear-trumpet out of her puff of smoke and puts it against the wall to ear better.

Professor- She’s a hottie. I cannot see how this babe is your girlfriend?

Professor Carlin- Well it’s not official yet but I’m working on it. I can definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with this one.

Hilda- (Angry, to herself) Oh really! Well here’s what I see.

She points just as Professor Carlin is about to sit down and whizzes his chair out of the way. Arthur lands on his butt as Hilda leaves.

Hilda- (Cont.) Nobody makes a fool of Zelda Spellman... except me.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda is telling Zelda all the latest gossip but Zelda seems more interested in reading her new book.

Hilda- ...And not only is he showing off pictures of that little hottie, he’s also talking about spending the rest of his life with her. Is that in the agreement?

Zelda- Hilda, we don’t have anything in writing.

Hilda- That was your first mistake. Your second is letting him string you along. Your third is reading ‘Crime and Punishment’ Just watch reruns of Law and Order.

Zelda- Oh maybe you’re right. If Arthur is that serious about someone else, I should at least know about it.

She gets up and heads upstairs.

Hilda- Oh Alleluia! My work here is done. Now who else’s life can I get involved in?

Her eyes fall on the only other being in the room.

Salem- Ghe!

With a cry of horror he leaps straight up in the air and clings to the ceiling.

Int. College house. Sabrina sits at the table counting money and making three neat piles of it. as Miles and Roxie arrive home.

Miles- (Excited) You got our money!

Sabrina- Yep! Every last cent Morgan owed us. Here’s yours and yours.

She hands over a thick wedge of cash to each of her room-mates.

Roxie- (Delighted) Alright! This calls for a celebration.

Sabrina- Way ahead o’ you. I ordered pizza.

Miles- I’ll eat anything that wasn’t grown on a husk.

The timing couldn’t have been better as the doorbell rings. Sabrina answers it.

Sabrina- Hi. Wha’ do I owe ya?

Pizza Man- Er Eleven fifty.

She peels off some cash from her wad and hands it to him. The instant they touches his hand the dollar bills shrink to the size of postage stamps.

Pizza Man- (Cont.) Very funny. Now how about the real stuff.

Roxie- This isn’t the real stuff?

Sabrina- I thought it was.

Miles- (To the Pizza man) Here, take mine.

But the result is the same.

Pizza Man- Guys, I’ve got pies that are going soggy. Can someone please give me some useably cash?

Roxie has a go. It too turns to mouse size money.

Roxie- Sabrina, what’s going on here?

Sabrina- Oh er... y’know, Morgan’s dad has a really whacky sense of humour. I-I bet he bought this fake money at a joke shop, y’know, to teach her a funny lesson.

Sabrina laughs but it’s a solo effort.

Sabrina- (Cont.) It really is funny, isn’t it?

Roxie- My sides are splitting.

Pizza Man- And so am I.

He splits.

Roxie- I can’t this.

Miles- Me neither. I was this close to starch and the protein.

They all dump their money in the trash can.

Sabrina- Well, there’s still good news. Y’know, even if the money is fake, Morgan’s out looking for a job right now. She’ll pay us back.

Roxie- With what, exploding quarters?

Again with the timing, as Morgan walks in looking weary.

Morgan- It’s a jungle out there! I need a Perrier and a Biscotte.

She makes a bee-line for the refrigerator.

Sabrina- How’d the job hunt go?

Morgan- Very disappointing. None of the places I went to lived up to my standards.

Sabrina- Your standards? Morgan, you’re supposed to be living up to there standards. Y’know, you’re never going to get a job unless you stop acting like a prima donna.

Morgan- Well I don’t know if I can. This is the way I’ve always acted.

Roxie- Little tip. It doesn’t work for you anymore.

Miles- It’s not working for us either. Last night I ate gum for dinner.

Sabrina- We’re not sunk yet. Morgan, you work on your attitude and I’m going to go talk to the guy responsible for this whole money mess.

Sabrina leaves. Morgan opens her Perrier and sits back on the settee.

Morgan- Finally, someone’s going to stand up to my father.

Int. Stretch-It, the Other Realm. Sabrina materialises as Wally is folding sheets of freshly laundered cash.

Sabrina- Wally, I got a problem.

Wally- You and me both. It’s not enough I gotta launder money for these dang customers, now they want me to fluff and fold it.

Sabrina- Well this dang customer wants to know why the dollar we stretched turned into mini-money?

She tips a few of the postage stamp sized bills into his hand.

Wally- (Shrugging) I guess that’s what it’s worth on the mortal realm. Y’know on Neptune, you’d be living like a king. You’d freeze your butt off though.

Sabrina- Well can you do something. My friend drained my bank account and she wont get a job because she thinks she’s too good for everybody.

Wally- Oh that’s a whole different bucket of bait. Your friend doesn’t need money stretched, she needs humble pie.

Sabrina- You mean that dark brown stuff that causes you become really modest and leaves that unpleasant aftertaste?

Wally- Not the way my wife makes it. (Calling out) Patty! Come out here! Got a girl out here who wants one o’ your marvellous humble pies!

Patty comes out in a gingham pinafore and a pleasant smile.

Patty- They’re really not all that good. I can’t bake anywhere near as well as my mother. I’m not even worthy of her recipe.

Sabrina- Well it looks like someone’s been picking at the pie.

Wally- Ain’t nobody a bigger pie picker than my Patty.

Sabrina- Sold! I’ll take one humble pie.

Patty points and Sabrina’s holding a steaming pie.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Thanks.

Int. College house. Sabrina tempts Morgan with pie.

Morgan- Sabrina, I’m not much of a pie person and I’m really trying to cut back on desserts.

Sabrina- Oh but this pie is super low on arrogance... I mean, calories. You know, you have been out busting your butt trying to get a job and I thought you could use a little treat.

As she talks she guides Morgan to a seat at the table and cuts her a slice of pie.

Morgan- It does look good... And you’re right! After what I have been through, no one deserves a little pampering more than me.

Sabrina- Absolutely.

Morgan takes a bite of the pie.

Morgan- Mmm! This is fabulous!

Another bite.

Morgan- (Cont.) Mmm. Out of this world.

Her expression changes suddenly.

Morgan- (Cont.) And far better than I deserve.

Sabrina- Oh you deserve it. Keep shovellin’

Morgan- This is really starting to make me feel...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Humble enough to go look for work?

Morgan- Exactly! I just hope that I’m worthy of all those wonderful employers out there.

Sabrina- Oh I’m sure you are.

Morgan leaves to get ready for job hunting.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Now.

Int. Adams College hallway. Zelda walks along dogged by Hilda.

Zelda- Hilda, I can handle this myself.

Hilda- You could, but then where would the fun be for me? <Gasp!> There he is!

Zelda- I know what he looks like.

They both move to intercept professor Carlin.

Zelda- Er Arthur.

Professor Carlin- Zelda? Well you look lovely.

Hilda- Oh right, you big liar!

Zelda- (To Hilda) Shhhh! (To Professor Carlin) Arthur, we need to talk. Don’t you think, if you want to start dating someone exclusively, you should tell me about it?

Professor Carlin- Oh actually I was going to tell you tonight.

Hilda- Oh right. String her along while you run around with that little Lolita... (Getting in his face and poking him) Whose picture you keep showing to every Tom, Dick and Harry!

Professor Carlin- (Pulling out his wallet) You mean this picture of the woman I adore?

The picture is of Zelda and the other professor was right... She is a hottie.

Hilda- (To Zelda) Wow! You look great! Y'see, I told you you had nothing to worry about.

As she talks, she sidles away before breaking into a run.

Int. College House. Sabrina is hard at work and she has an audience of Miles and Roxie. Sewing is not a skill that she can brag about, even with a sewing machine.

Miles- I’ve never seen a person try to mend torn Velcro.

Sabrina- Oh it’s just a little birthday present insurance, y’know, in case Morgan doesn’t get a job and I have to buy Josh a vest.

She holds up something that looks nothing like a photographers vest. In fact it looks nothing like anything and it isn’t any shade of blue.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Waddya think?

Roxie- Stuff it with candy and you’ve got a pinyada.

Morgan enters with a huge smile.

Morgan- Well I did it. I got a job!

Sabrina- Oh that’s fantastic.

Miles- Great!

Roxie- Well done.

Sabrina- Congratulations.

Morgan- Thanks. It won’t be long before I’ll be able to pay you all back.

Sabrina- Great, because this birthday present would have been the end of my relationship.

She dumps her attempt at a home made vest in the bin.

Sabrina- (Cont.) So, where will you be working?

Morgan pulls something green and, to Sabrina, unervingly familiar from her purse and puts it round her neck.

Morgan- In the coffee house with you. We’re going to have so much fun together.

Sabrina- Yes, it’s gonna be great.

The fixed smile on Sabrina’s face tells clearly just how much she can’t wait for the fun to start.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House, where the fun never stops. Hilda and Sabrina are at the counter watching the new girl work.

Hilda- Look at her. It’s like she was borne to clear tables and schlep coffee

Sabrina- Yes, I guess that humble pie really did the trick.

Hilda- (Shocked) You gave her humble pie!?

Sabrina- Yes. Is something wrong?

Hilda- Just a little. If someone who eats humble pie runs into someone who takes the cake, it cancels out everything.

They both turn to watch the inevitable. Morgan approaches a customer.

Morgan- Hi, My name is Morgan and I’m honoured to be your waitress today. What can I get for you?

Customer- I’ll take the cake.

Hilda- Noooo!

Morgan- (Tossing her tray on the customers lap) Get it yourself.

She strides over to the counter removing her apron.

Morgan- (Cont.) I’m going on break. See ya in three hours.

She leaves.

Sabrina- (To Hilda) So I think the new girls really working out.

Hilda’s answer is to shove a tray into Sabrina’s hand with a get to it stare.

Run credits.



Pic of the Week