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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Really Big Season Opener

Written By - Jon Vandergriff
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Miles - Trevor Lissauer
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Vladimir Kortensky - Sisqo
Actress #1 - Elizabeth Hart
Joe - Winston Story
Actor #1 - Ryan Kirk Buechler
Actor #2 - John Heffron
Student #1 - Chelsea Dobson
Bigger Kid - Jesse Plemons

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are sipping tea while Salem sits on the counter. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Hey guys. Can I borrow your sarcophagus?

Zelda- Oh sure. It’s in the garage right next to Salem’s bike, which he begged for and never uses.

Salem- I told you, the seat pinches my cathood.

Sabrina- Miles is directing a horror movie and I agreed to produce it.

Zelda- Oh my, you’re making a picture?

Sabrina- (Indignant) A movie.

Zelda- (Standing) Well that’s so exciting. (Touching her hair and preening) Surely the sarcophagus isn’t the only thing you need from your aunties?

Sabrina- You’re right. Do you have any lunch meat? Because we’re holding auditions tomorrow and I want to put out some snacks.

She heads for the refrigerator closely followed by hers aunts.

Hilda- Let’s go back to that word ‘Audition’ Normally I wont read for a part but since Miles has never seen my work...

Salem- (Interrupting) He can die a happy man.

Hilda- Go ride your bike in traffic.

Salem- Ghe!

Sabrina- As much as I’d love to have your enormous talents in my movie, this is just a cheesy student film that is way beneath you.

Salem- (Aside to Sabrina) Nicely done.

The toaster pings. Hilda goes to get the post.

Zelda- Sabrina, to a true thespian no part is too small.

Hilda- Or too cheesy. (Reads the letter) Oh no! We can’t do the movie!

Sabrina- (Unconvincingly) Dang it!

Hilda- We’ve been selected for Other Realm scare duty.

Zelda- Scare duty? (Takes the letter) That can’t be, we just did scare duty two hundred years ago.

Sabrina- Scare duty?

Zelda- The witch equivalent of jury duty. The Other Realm randomly selects experienced witches to teach the younger generation how to scare people. Apperantly they didn’t buy our excuse that we were fighting overseas.

Sabrina- Hey, you may not be starring in a horror movie but at least you get to scare people.

Salem- Wanna really scare people? Leave the house without your make-up. Na-ha-ha...

Hilda does the pointing thing and Salem’s bike is no longer next to the sarcophagus but in the kitchen with Salem sat on the seat. It shoots out of the kitchen, making Sabrina sway out of it’s way, and out into the back yard.

Salem- Oh dear! It pinches! It pinches!

There’s a crash.

Sabrina- Oh! I think he dented his cathood on that Chrysler.

Run opening credits

Int. College house. Sabrina sits on the settee checking over the movie script surrounded by spooky stuff. Zombie masks, black candelabras, fake tombstones, sarcophagi. Roxie enters and looks around.

Roxie- Oh-no, don’t tell me you’re already obsessing over Halloween? It’s just a lame holiday, like secretaries day. What’s the point? They have to order their own flowers.

Sabrina- This has nothing to do with Halloween. I’m making a picture... I mean a movie. It’s going to be a ground breaking cinematic exploration of pure evil... with an up-beat musical number at the end.

Miles enters followed by a guy toting film equipment.

Miles- You can put the lights behind the sofa and the camera goes in my room.

The guy goes off with the stuff.

Miles- (Cont.)(To Sabrina) So what did you thing of the changes I made to my script?

Sabrina- Brilliant! Adding the extra cheerleader really gives it emotional resonance.

Miles- Thanks. I thought we could shoot the new stabbing scene in your bedroom.

Roxie- As in my bedroom? Forget about it, there’s no way I’m letting a bunch of bad student actors invade my personal space.

Miles- I’m just the writer-slash-director, you’ll have to take it up with my producer.

He walks off to play with his lights indicating Sabrina. Roxie turns to her.

Sabrina- Oh look, I can assure you that no damage will be done t... Wait a minute, I know what this is about. How would you like to play a cheerleader?

Roxie- Are you kidding? Who in their right mind would want to be in (Reading from the script) ‘The blood of Mindy Adelman’

Morgan comes bouncing down the stairs in her scanty red cheerleaders outfit, that has ‘Mindy’ in gold letters across the front, with pom-poms in one hand and a copy of the script in the other.

Morgan- Okay. So I love the costume but I have a question about my character. Can Mindy be spelled with two ‘E’s?

Later: Sabrina and Miles sit through auditions and they are seeing a girl for a cheerleader part.

Miles- Can you turn around for us?

The girl turns around.

Sabrina- Can you show us your jugular vein please?

The girl shows them her jugular vein.

Miles- Can you show us how you look dead?

The girl drops her chin onto her chest and lets herself slump in a sort of deadish way.

Sabrina- Can you show us how you sing dead?

Actress #1- If I’m dead, why would I sing?

Sabrina & Miles- (Looking at each other)(Calling out) Next!

The disappointed girl leaves the house after putting the pom-poms down and passes Roxie on her way in.

Roxie- Are you still casting? How hard can it be to find a decent cheerleader? (Picks up the pom-poms and cheers) Rah-rah, Diss-bum-bah. Gooooo Team!

Sabrina- (Impressed) You’ve got the part!

Roxie- I don’t want the part.

Sabrina- Sorry, you should have thought about that before you gave such a brilliant audition.

Roxie- I was pretty good wasn’t I? I guess all the years of making fun of cheerleaders is finally paying off.

Sabrina- So you’ll do it?

Roxie- Okay, but I don’t do the splits, pyramids or the whole pom-pom thing.

Sabrina- Oh no problem. I’ll just have the writer re-write it.

Roxie walks off.

Miles- I will cut the splits, but I am married to the pom-poms.

Sabrina scowls at him.

Ext. College house. A dozen assorted vampires sit or stand around learning the lines for the audition. Sabrina comes out.

Sabrina- Okay, we’re ready for our first prince of darkness. Joe Fensterblau?

Joe- (Holding up his hand) That’s me.

Joe sports a white shirt with high collar and a large amulet hanging round his neck. A black cape and obviously fake, joke shop, fangs. He walks passed Sabrina into the house.

Sabrina- (Sarcastic) Nice fangs.

Int. College house. Joe enters followed by Sabrina.

Joe- Is there anything about the character you wanna tell me before I start?

Sabrina- Nope, just dive right in.

Miles- Actually I have one small direction. The vampire is an extremely conflicted character grappling with inner turmoil. On the one hand he sees Mindee as delicate flower who could be his life partner and on the other hand he sees her as lunch. Go.

Joe- (Struggling with his fangs) Mindee. Mindee... Adelman. When I look into your eyes I-I see deep into your soul. I see... hunger. I see... Passion...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) I see we’re running late. Thanks Joe for coming, you know, we’ll get back to ya.

The next one has just gone for a cape over his sweatshirt and the fake teeth.

Actor #1- Mindee. Mindee Adelman...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Next!

He’s followed by a copy of Joe but with less acting talent.

Actor #2- Mindee...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Next!

The next has added some fake blood on his chin and only gets to growl before.

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Next!

Miles- Sabrina, there is no next. You just vetoed our last lead actor.

Sabrina- I had to. None of these guys seemed like a real vampire.

Miles- A real vampire?

Sabrina- You know, as in the... vampire... who... could do justice to your ingenious script.

Miles- So you’re saying if I could, somehow, lower the quality of the writing, we could hire a mediocre actor?

Sabrina- No, I’m saying the role demands a professional.

Miles- How can we get a professional actor on a budget of fifty-nine dollars?

Sabrina- I know! We could put an ad in the paper and hopefully there’s some actor between jobs that needs the exposure.

Miles- Well I suppose if we can’t get one, I could play the part.

Sabrina- We’ll get one.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda, sporting a standard issue pointy black witches hat, reads through the scare duty letter again.

Zelda- Wait a minute, listen to this. (Reading) ‘If assigned witches can teach an entire class to be scary in one session they are forever relieved of scare duty.’ Paragraph eleven.

Hilda- (Taking the letter) <Gasp> I just fell in love with a paragraph! Zellie, you and I wrote the book on scaring people. Remember ‘Scaring People by Hilda and Zelda Spellman’?

Zelda- This’ll be a snap. We’ll go tutor these little tykes and then we will rush off to Sabrina’s movie set to get ready for our close-ups

Salem- Two words: Soft focus.

Hilda- Two more words: Bon voyage.

With a point, Salem’s back on his bike and shooting off through the dining room.

Salem- Ohh! When will I ever learn?

Crash!

The aunts continue getting dressed in their wicked witch of the west outfits and admire themselves in a full length mirror.

Int. College house. Miles and Sabrina are still in need of a male lead in their movie.

Miles- I pray we get a good response from our ‘Desperately seeking vampire’ ad.

Sabrina- Oh we will, especially as we’re offering free salami in the ad.

She points at the plate of cold meat left on the table.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’m going to go and put these scripts on the porch.

She walks over to the front door and almost walks into the cool looking coloured dude in the black cloaked suit and butterfly collared shirt who is leaning nonchalantly against the doorjamb when she opens the door, but she doesn’t. Instead she screams at the top of her lungs in fright.

Vlad- Normally people just say come in.

Sabrina- And I will... Just as soon as I start breathing again. Come in.

Vlad enters and walks up to Miles. Sabrina follows unable to take her eyes from the exotic looking guy.

Vlad- Good evening, I am Vladimir Kortensky. I hope I’m not too early for the audition, I flew down the Transilvanian turnpike... Literally

Miles- I like it! Already in character. Er did you get a chance to look at the script?

Vlad- (Dramatically) When I look into your eyes I see deep into your soul, I see hunger, I see passion, redemption and resurrection.

As he speaks Miles’ words, Miles slowly moves forward entranced by his rich voice until his face is just inches from Vlad’s.

Vlad- (Cont.) Come let me feed upon your beauty so we may live together forever.

Miles- Okay.

Sabrina- (Giving Miles a shake) Miles!

Miles- (Snapping out of it) Sabrina, I think we’ve found our guy.

Sabrina- I know. Congratulations Vlad, you’ve got the job.

She holds out her hand to shake his.

Vlad- Thank you.

With irresistible charm he raises her hand to his lips and kisses the back of it gently. Then he drifts smoothly towards the door leaving Sabrina with a delighted grin on her lips..

Vlad- (Cont.) I look forward to our next encounter.

He leaves with a sinister, yet charming, laugh.

Sabrina- Now that is one great actor.

Miles- And, mind you, he gave that performance without even dipping into the free salami.

Int. Other Realm, Spooky High. An old fashioned oak panelled class room. Two pale faced, black haired witches straight from Macbeth stand behind the teachers desk with their black cat familiar beside them. They are in fact Hilda and Zelda but they’re not their usual perky blonde babe selves. Before them sit a class of ten year old witches, all chattering amongst themselves. Zelda raps her knuckles on the desk.

Zelda- All right class, come to order. Let’s begin by me telling you a little bit about myself.

Hilda- She’s Zelda, I’m Hilda, we’re gonna teach you how to be scary and then we’re outa here.

Zelda- Now the first thing you need to learn about frightening others is the element of surprise.

Hilda- In other words... Boo!

There is absolutely no response from the children, not so much as a startled expression.

Hilda- (Cont.) Perhaps you didn’t hear me, I said BOO!

Still no fright., but one weary yawn.

Hilda- (Cont.)(To Zelda) Okay, I’ve warmed them up for you.

Zelda- Let a legend show you how it’s done.

She casually turns away from the class and spins and leaps towards them throwing her arms out wide.

Zelda- (Cont.) Uga-booga-booga-booga-booga!

Ah, a reaction. The kid at the back fires a soggy paper-pellet that hits Zelda right on the forehead to gales of laughter from the kids.

Salem- Legend; target of humiliation. It’s a fine line.

Int. College house. The living area has been converted into a set for Miles’ film. A fake wall has been put up behind the settee with a window in it. Pink lace curtains set off the window as does the pink, floral settee cover and the pink cushions. There is a very strong pink motif about the place. Miles runs his actors, Morgan (Mindee) and Roxie (Lisa), through the scene. Both are dressed as cheerleaders

Miles- In this scene you and Roxie have come to check on you best freind, cheerleader number two. She’s not home so you decide to wait. It’s warm in the apartment, so you start to remove your clothes.

Roxie- Miles, that’s not in the script. I’m talking to the producer. Sabrina!

Sabrina comes from her bedroom. or rather Jenny comes from Sabrina’s bedroom because that’s the name on the front of Sabrina’s red cheerleaders costume.

Sabrina- Everybody keeps their clothes on. Especially me since I’m playing cheerleader number two.

The doorbell rings.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh that must be our vampire.

Morgan answers the door and sure enough it is our vampire.

Vlad- Good evening.

He enters

Morgan- Wow, you sound so familiar but I-I can’t place it.

Vlad- Perhaps you’ve heard my voice-over work for KFC? We do chicken right. Blah!

Morgan- Oh that’s it. Come on in.

Miles- Hey Vlad. We’re about to start the spaghetti dinner scene where the cheerleaders carbo-load for the big game.

Vlad slides into a seat at the laid out table.

Sabrina- Yeah, y’know here, help yourself to some garlic bread.

She holds out a plate full of garlic bread but Vlad shies away dragging his cloak over his head.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Do you have something against garlic bread?

Miles- Of course he does. He doesn’t want garlic bread because he’s a love scene coming up.

Roxie- (OS) Ouch!

They all turn to see Roxie sat on the pink settee sucking her finger and with the script in her lap.

Roxie- (Cont.) Miles, your stupid script gave me a paper-cut.

She gets up and comes over to the table.

Roxie- (Cont.) Now I’m bleeding.

Vlad- (Looking longingly at Roxie’s finger) Blood? Perhaps I can help.

Sabrina- (Suspicious) All right, I didn’t know paper-cuts were that interesting.

Vlad- They are to some of us.

Sabrina moves round to where Morgan is sat doing what she enjoys most.

Sabrina- Morgan, can I use your mirror?

Morgan- Oh, I’m not finished

Sabrina- Oh well you never are but maybe Vladimir wants to check his makeup.

She shoves the hand mirror in front of his face. Vlad leaps up and turns away but it’s enough to confirm Sabrina’s suspicions.

Sabrina- Okay, time for a break.

Miles- But we haven’t started!

Sabrina- Well sorry, Union rules. Oh er Morgan, Roxie, Miles, have some garlic bread.

She tosses pieces to each of them.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ll be right back.

She dashes to her room as Morgan walks over to Vlad at the counter.

Morgan- By the way, I’ll be playing Mindee... with two ‘E’s.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina tip-taps at her lap-top computer.

Sabrina- (To herself) All right Mr. Vladimir Kortensky, let’s see if there’s any information about you on the Witch Wide Web. A-ha!

A hologram of Vlad leaps from the screen.

Vlad the hologram- I am Vladimir Kortensky. I’ve stared in over forty-seven other realm dinner theatre productions including ‘Don’t drink the operator‘, ‘Bloodsucking on the twenty-third floor’ and ‘Same neck next year’

Sabrina- I know this guy. He’s in all those beer commercials for Blood Light.

She fast forwards the hologram.

Vlad the hologram- My special skills include juggling, roller-blading, southern accents and feasting on the blood of mortals. I don’t just play a vampire on TV, I am one.

Sabrina- I knew it!

She shuts down the computer and dashes from the room.

Int. College house living room. Vlad is showing a charming interest in Morgan’s wrist as Sabrina enters and cautiously approaches.

Vlad- You have such beautiful veins. I cannot wait to drink your blood.

Morgan- Ha. You’re a little devil.

Vlad- Not exactly.

He leans down baring his fangs, getting closer to that delicious pulsing fluid. Sabrina grabs a tray and lunges forward.

Sabrina- Oh, have some garlic bread! I insist!

Vlad leaps from his chair as Sabrina chases him away. Miles takes the tray from Sabrina.

Miles- Sabrina, stop pushing garlic bread at Vlad! Thanks to your union holiday we’re already behind schedule.

Sabrina- Well we’ll get started in a minute... just as soon as I talk to Vladimir about our big scene... alone.

She drags Vlad to the door.

Morgan- What big scene?

Miles- The vampire kills you within the first five seconds of the movie?

Sabrina- Oh well obviously you haven’t read the re-write.

She leaves pushing Vlad before her.

Miles- Oh so know she’s a writer too? I’ll say it once, She’s not getting anywhere near the editing room.

Ext. College house porch. Sabrina confronts Vlad.

Sabrina- Okay Vlad, I just downloaded your resume. I’m on to your big secret.

Vlad- Okay, so I’m really not twenty-two. What can I say? It’s a youth obsessed business.

Sabrina- Cut the quipping count. I know you’re here to drink my room-mates blood.

Vlad- I am a vampire, it is what I do!... and there was an actors strike in the Other Realm and I needed to work.

Sabrina- Well buddy, you’re messing with the wrong production because I am producer slash actress slash witch and I’m going to zap you back to the coffin you crawled out of.

She fire her finger at him but he just stands with a charming smile and tugs at the cuffs of his jacket. Sabrina zaps again with just as little in the way of results. Vlad’s charm drops away as he closes in on Sabrina glaring evilly into her eyes. Sabrina backs away, her impotent finger hanging limp.

Vlad- Apperantly you haven’t realised that your witchly powers do not work on my kind.

He backs Sabrina into the door jam before turning the charm back on.

Vlad- (Cont.) Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a scene to do and I’d really like to sink my teeth into it. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Grinning with evil charm he enters the house.

Sabrina- (To herself) Why couldn’t we have done a surfing movie?

Int. Other Realm, Spooky High. An old fashioned oak panelled class room. Hilda and Zelda still struggle to scare... um anything.

Hilda- Zellie, we’ve been at this for hours and we haven’t made any headway with these little punks.

Zelda- I don’t understand. Maybe it just takes more to scare people today?

Sabrina- Hey guys.

Hilda- <Gasp!>

Zelda- <Gasp!>

Salem- <Gasp!>

Hilda- There goes that theory.

Zelda- (To the just appeared cheerleader) Sabrina, what are you doing here?

Hilda- And who’s winning the big game?

Sabrina- Oh I have a major problem with the movie. We put an ad in the paper and a real vampire showed up to play the part.

Zelda- (Preening) Oh and you need a beautiful leading lady to start opposite him?

Sabrina- No, I need to know how to stop a vampire from sucking someone’s blood?

Zelda- (Disappointed) Well Sabrina, the only way I know to stop a vampire is to drive a stake through his heart.

Hilda- Me, I use a kebab skewer.

Int. College House. Sabrina the cheerleader prowls around the film set with a wooden stake poised to stab.

Sabrina- Miles? Morgan? Roxie? Vladimir?

There’s no reply, the place is deserted.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh my god, I’m too late!

She spots a note left on the table.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(Reading) ‘Sabrina, Vladimir suggested we head over to the school and shoot the blood-sucking scene while everyone is still flesh!’ <gasp!>... Oh wait, that’s ‘Fresh’ (Correcting the note) Oh Miles, we’ve gotta see about your ‘R’s. What am I doing? I’ve gotta get over there!

She grabs her pom-poms, points at herself and vanishes in a swirl of sparkles.

Int. Adams College hallways. It’s sounds like Sabrina has arrived just in the nick of time. An ear splitting scream rends the air and a red streak runs down the unlit deserted hallway with pom-poms flying. Sabrina tries to intercept it.

Sabrina- Roxie! Roxie! (Sees the two dribbles of blood from her room-mates neck.) I’m here, I’ll save you!

Miles- Cut!

Sabrina looks round to find the director and crew looking at her from down the hallway. They all sigh.

Miles- (Cont.) Sabrina, what’re you doin’? First you delay the start of principle photography and now you ruin the datum of a pivotal scene?

Sabrina- I’m sorry but we’ve got way bigger problems than whatever that... big French word was you just used. Where’s Vladimir?

Miles- He’s with Morgan somewhere rehearsing a scene.

Sabrina- Gotta go!

She dashes off in a flurry of pom-poms.

Roxie- (To Miles) It’s just as well we’re shooting it again. It doesn’t really feel like my character would scream here.

Miles- Would you mind if the director does? (Yelling) Take forty-seven! And action!

Int. Other Realm, Spooky High. An old fashioned oak panelled class room. Things are still not going well on the scaring front. In fact, things have gotten so bad that Hilda and Zelda have turned to Salem for advise.

Salem- Here’s the plan, strength in numbers. On three, we charge ‘em. One - Two - Three!

Zelda and Hilda charge round the desk at the children screaming and brandishing their broom-sticks. It has the same effect, absolutely zero.

Bigger Kid- Get ‘em!

At his signal a rain of eggs, toilet rolls and other projectiles falls on the un-scary aunts.

Hilda- Retreat! Retreat! Retreat!

They dive for cover behind the large desk up front where they find Salem cowering.

Zelda- What happened to strength in numbers?

Salem- I realised there were three of us and twelve of them. <Sob!>

Hilda- D’you believe it? We come to teach and we get egged and Shermaned. What’s happened to us Zellie? Why aren’t we scary anymore?

Zelda- Living in the mortal realm has just taken all the fright out of us.

Bigger Kid- Get up from there you big scaredy-cats!

Salem- (OS) You leave cats out of this <Sob!>

To gales of laughter another barrage of eggs come over the desk, one hitting Hilda right on the head.

Hilda- Oh that’s it! I’ve had enough, I am going home.

Zelda- What did I just hear? My sister, one of the scariest witches ever, is thinking of hanging up her broom? We just need to dig deep inside ourselves and remember what we’re made of.

Salem- You go girls.

And go they do. The kids suddenly fall silent as the teachers desk begins to rattle and vibrate and from behind it rises two seven feet tall bundles of fur, horns, fangs and claws with terrifying yellow slitted eyes. The children shrink back wide eyed but only for a moment before the gouts of searing flames breathed by the two beasts has them running, screaming for their mammies.

Hilda- (To Zelda) We’re ba-ack.

Int. Adams college classroom. It’s deserted and the lights are off. The door opens and Sabrina’s head pokes tentatively through.

Sabrina- So what if he’s an evil vampire? I’m not scared.

She flicks the light switch and finds her face inches away from a skeleton. The type of thing you’d expect in a biology class. She screams in fright and runs off.

Int. Adams college hallway. Sabrina makes her way cautiously allong and hears, coming from the next classroom.

Vlad- (OS) Blah! Blah!

Sabrina- All right Vladimir, take your hands off...

She opens the door to find that it’s a parrot, not a vampire making the noise.

Parrot- Blah! Blah!

Sabrina- Put a cracker in it! Two classrooms down, thirty more to go. Hopefully this guy has trouble finding a vein.

Int. Adams college classroom. It’s set up with a coffin prop and Vlad works a scene with an eager Morgan.

Vlad- You’re so beautiful and with such a lovely neck.

He leans in to take a bite.

Morgan- (Interrupting) No wait, stop! I want my best side to show for the camera, so could you bite me over here?

She indicates the other side of her neck.

Vlad- But of course. I’m nothing if not accommodating. (Leaning in to bite) Blah!

Sabrina comes running in.

Sabrina- Nooooooo!

She pulls Morgan away from Vlad.

Morgan- Spellman, do you mind?! We’re trying to rehearse and you’re really cramping my style.

Sabrina- Well excuse me but I was just trying to stop Vladimir from sucking your blood. (To Vlad) You can suck mine instead.

Morgan- What?!

Vlad- It doesn’t matter to me, I’m not a fussy drinker. It’s fine with me.

Morgan- Well it matters to me! What, it’s not enough that your the actor and producer, now you have to be the star? Well my director is gonna hear about this.

She storms out of the classroom in a huff. With a sigh Sabrina sits herself on the table holding the coffin and bares her neck.

Vlad- How nice of you to sacrifice yourself to save your friend.

Sabrina- Yeah, well let’s get it over with.

Vlad moves in on that soft white neck and the pulsing vein beneath.

Vlad- Hmm tasty. What is your blood type? I’d like to know whether to have you with fish or lamb.

Sabrina- How about with stake?

She pulls from it’s hiding place in her pom-pom her wooden stake and drives it into his chest... Well at least that was the plan but Vlad’s vampire reflexes and strength catch her wrist with the point barely touching his jacket. With a snarl, Vlad snaps the stake in two.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I knew I should have gone with a kebab skewer.

Vlad makes a grab for our pig-tailed heroine but she ducks out of reach and runs for the door. The vampire is in hot pursuit. Sabrina drops a pom-pom by the door and pulls a mobile chalk-board across the door behind her. Vlad runs smack into it and falls backwards. Sabrina pops back round and grabs her fallen pom-pom.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Gotta go.

She runs off.

Int. Adams college hallway. Vlad comes out of the classroom clutching his nose. He shakes his head and looks up to see Sabrina, the cheerleader, at the other end of the hallways.

Sabrina- (Doing a cheer) Two, Four, Six, Eight! Who do we annihilate?

Vlad snaps out his cloak and bares his fangs while Sabrina the vampire slayer does a cartwheel, six back-flips and finishing with a flying drop-kick which sends Vlad crashing into the wall behind him. he collapses to the ground right next to where Sabrina has landed after her drop-kick.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh well, that didn’t work out.

Vlad growls and leans over to take a bite of witch-neck but Sabrina fights dirty and head-butts him. While he’s recovering from the shock, Sabrina does a runner. Vlad glides through the hallways of Adams college in search of that pesky little blonde witch. He seeks her here, he seeks her there but there is no sign until.

Sabrina- Looking for me batboy?

He whirls round to see Sabrina swinging towards him on one of the light-fittings. She catches him square on the jaw and sends him flying across the hall. On her second swing she lets go, launching herself at the dazed vampire. He’s not that dazed, however, and has enough wits to get out of her way. She crashes into a door and ends up in a bruised heap on the floor.

Sabrina- (To herself) I hope my HMO is paid up.

She looks around frantically and sees Vlad about to pounce and does a back-flip onto her feet. She takes a kung-fu stance as he arrives.

Sabrina- Ha!

His momentum is too great and it knocks her back to the ground with Vlad on top of her. He grabs her wrists and as they struggle, her hand smashes through the glass of a trophy cabinet. She grabs a trophy.

Sabrina- (Copt.) Oh look! Adams College was basketball league champion in seventy-nine! Isn’t that cool?

Vlad- Blah!

Sabrina smashes him over the head with the basketball trophy and kicks him off of her across the room. As Vlad gets back to his feet Sabrina starts running. She runs across the floor, then she runs up the walls. Vlad also takes to the walls. Don’t ask, it’s a Matrix sort of thing. They both stop running and look at each other across the hallway. They leap from the walls at each other and as they come together in mid air, time comes to a stop and they hang in mid air while the camera pans around them. Once the camera reaches the other side, all bets are off and time kicks back in, resulting in a bone crunching collision and a fall to the ground. Undaunted, our battling pair have at each other with karate mayhem. Punches, kicks, twirls and more punches. real-time, slow-time the battle rages until... Sabrina kicks at Vlad and he catches her foot, trapping her but she uses him as a lever for her other foot and kicks him across the face while she spins. He flips over and lands spark out on the floor. Panting and sweating our super-heroine looks down at her vanquished foe.

Sabrina- Now I could use that stake.

She remembers that she’s a Willow rather than a Buffy and with a point she has her stake... or to be precise steak.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Wrong kinda steak, nicely marbled though. What the heck!

She bends down and drives the steak into Vladimir’s heart. The undead dies in a puff of rather charming dust.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh I guess it’s true what they say. Red meat can kill ya.

Int. College hallway. The one where Miles and the gang are shooting the movie or would be if they had a leading man. Sabrina, still panting and a little flushed, as all good cheerleaders should be, runs up to them

Miles- Sabrina, where’s Vladimir?

Sabrina- He er... just sorta vanished into thin air. Ha-ha.

Morgan- You drove him away. (To Miles) I told you Miles, She’s trying to destroy your film because you didn’t cast her as the star. You’re an evil cheerleader, Sabrina. Evil!

Sabrina- No I-I Can explain!... Actually, no I can’t.

Just then the power goes out and the hallways are cast into flickering darkness. A spooky howl comes from down the hallway and everyone looks to see two giant silhouettes baring down on them. One of then sporting an impressive set of horns. Everyone runs screaming in the other direction except Sabrina who is rooted to the spot in terror.

Hilda- Hi honey.

Zelda- Hello sweetheart.

Sabrina breathes again.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, aunt Zelda, what are you guys doing here?

The two giant, hairy beasts shrink down to two witches, still in their black witch outfits and black wigs.

Hilda- We got our scare back and now we’re ready to be in your movie.

Zelda- I won’t be a problem. Don’t worry, I look good from any angle.

Sabrina- Look, I can’t really talk about... Actually I do have parts for you. Aunt Zelda, could you morph back into the monster. Aunt Hilda, you come with me.

She takes Hilda by the arm and drags her off

Int. Adams college classroom. The same one that Sabrina rescued Morgan from Vladimir in. Miles is setting up the shot but has a question for Sabrina.

Miles- Sabrina, how did you get Vladimir to come back?

Sabrina- Let’s just say that as producer I had a big stake in it.

Miles accepts her answer and turns to his actors.

Miles- Background!

A seven feet tall hairy monster strides through the shot with it’s claws raised.

Zelda- Booga-booga-booga! Booga-booga-booga!

Miles- Action!

Vlad- (To Morgan) When I look into your eyes I see deep into your soul. I see hunger; I see passion, resurrection and redemption. Come, let me feast on your beauty so we may live together forever.

He leans in to sink his fangs into Morgan’s soft, young flesh.

Miles- And cut! Perfect! I’ve gotta reload then we’ll go again from the top.

He starts to fiddle with his camera. Morgan dashes off to touch up her make-up and Sabrina walks over to join Vlad.

Vlad- (To Sabrina in Hilda’s voice) Another take? That was perfect. I’m working for free here and I’ve got the taste of Morgan’s moisturiser in my mouth.

Sabrina- But you’re going home a star.

Int. College house. Sabrina, Miles, Morgan and Roxie are sat in front of the TV watching the World premier of ‘The blood of Mindee Adelman’ The credits are rolling.

SABRINA SPELLMAN

presents

A SABRINA SPELLMAN PRODUCTION

of a

MILES GOODMAN FILM

in association with

SPELLGOOD ENTERTAINMENT

Roxie- Is there actually a movie here or just two hours of ego-tripping?

Morgan- Well where’s my name?... Oh there it is! (Clapping) Yah!

Sabrina- Well if you like the credits, you’re gonna love the finale.

Miles- Er I made a slight change in the editing room. The finale is now the opening.

On the TV a coffin lid is pushed down by a pom-pom wielding Mindee who’s accompanied by Jenny and Lisa.

The cheerleaders- (Singing and dancing) No! Na-ah! Get back Drac.
You ain’t putting your face in this pretty, young space.
No! Na-ah! Get back.
No! Na-ah! Get-back-Drac!
No! Na-ah! Get back Drac!
No! Na-ah! Get-back-Drac!

As they sing and wave their pom-poms a black clad arm pushes up the coffin lid and on the final beat all three of the cheerleaders jump an the lid forcing it back down.

The Cheerleaders- (Cont.)(Singing) No!

Run Credits



Pic of the Week