Finally!

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina’s going round with a coffee pot offering refills. She sees a young girl sitting alone and goes over.

Sabrina- Hey, do you wanna fresh cup of the Guatemalan?

The girl is too distracted to answer. Sabrina looks where the girl is looking and watches a young Hispanic guy walk over to the settee.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Obviously you prefer the Venezuelan. Well why don’t you go talk to him?

Pam- I can’t just go up and introduce myself to a guy I don’t even know! What if he’s not interested in me?

Sabrina- Well you’ll never know unless you go say hello... or hola. Y’know, your choice.

Pam gets up, takes a deep breath and walks over to the boy. She only gets half way before her courage crumbles and she hurries back to her seat.

Pam- I can’t do it! Just bring me something with a lot of chocolate and leave me alone.

On her way back to the counter she runs into Josh.

Sabrina- Some people in here are so pathetic.

Josh- What can we do, Hilda’s our boss? But once we graduate, we’ll never have to see her again... Well you might have to, she’s your aunt.

Sabrina- I’m talking about our single customers. I wish there was some way we could bring them together. Y’know, you’re a nice guy, you’re a nice girl, now go and get a blood test and a mortgage.

Josh- Hey, y’know, I’ve heard of these party’s where singles get paired up for like five minutes at a time. If they click, they exchange phone numbers, if they don’t, they move on to the next person.

Sabrina- Five minute dates? That is so unromantic!... But what a time saver.

On the other side of the shop Hilda is clearing a table with a pair of tongues.

Hilda- Ew! Ew! Ew! (To the room in general) Are you people trying to disgust me?

Sabrina and Josh arrive.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, Josh and I want to turn the Coffee House into a singles meeting place?

Hilda- Great! Then maybe I’ll finally meet someone, dump this joint and never have to see these people again... Well I may have to see you again, you are my niece.

Sabrina- No aunt Hilda, the mixers wouldn’t be for you, they’d be for the college kids.

Hilda- Oh, everything is for kids! Movies, fashion, pene pasta. What was so wrong with an egg noodle?

Josh- We’ll charge five dollars a head and you’ll get half.

Sabrina- Oh wait! We’re charging for this?

Josh- Absolutely! People are desperate for love and they’re willing to pay big bucks for it.

Sabrina- Great idea Josh. Now all you need is a big white hat and purple eldorados.

Hilda- Don’t be so cynical Sabrina. In a cold and alienating world, it’s a wonderful thing to bring people together. (To Josh) I’ll play hostess and do stand-up for sixty percent of the gross?

Josh- I’ll give you sixty-five to take the night off?

Hilda- Deal!

Hilda leaves.

Sabrina- Y’know Josh, I like the idea of helping out our single customers but I’m not sure about charging five bucks?

Josh- Are you kidding me? These schmoss spend double that to sit alone in a cold, dark cinaplex. At least here they have a shot at looking at someone besides Helen Hunt.

Sabrina- I’m sold.

Josh- And whatever money we make we’ll put towards a really nice dinner for the two of us.

Sabrina- You had me at ‘Helen Hunt’

Josh gets back to work and Sabrina turns to see the Venezuelan guy leave with Pam’s eyes watching every step he takes.

Sabrina- (To herself) Poor thing, she’ll never get up the courage to make a move. ‘Girl needs a guy who catches her eye, make her less shy when he walks by.’

She points across at Pam and gets back to work.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina.

Sabrina- Harvey?!

Harvey- I was in the neighbourhood and decided to drop by.

Sabrina- Oh I’m glad you did, y’know it’s great to see ya. So do you want to sit down and catch up?

Pam shoves Sabrina out of her way.

Pam- (To Harvey) Hi, I don’t usually do thing like this but I’m Pam and I think you’re cute.

Harvey- (Flattered) Thanks, I’m Harvey and I think you’re cute too.

Pam- Do you wanna go out and grab something to eat?

Harvey- I’d love to, er then afterwards we could check out one of the new Helen Hunt movies. See ya Sabrina.

She waves as they leave with a slight smile at the irony of it all.

Sabrina- (To herself) They’re lucky, next week that would have cost them five bucks.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda’s going through the morning mail and gets something of a shock.

Zelda- Hilda, I’ve just opened our Visa bill! How could you spend three thousand dollars on world-war-two memorabilia?

Hilda- What are you talking about? You know I’m a Boar war kinda gal.

Zelda- Well if these aren’t your Visa charges and they aren’t my Visa charges then whose are they?

Salem- (OS) The Myoshi. Myoshi.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is sat on the table wearing a flowery kimono with a mail-order catalogue open before him and is on the phone. He doesn’t see Zelda and Hilda come through from the dining room.

Salem- (On the phone) The name on the card is Zelda Spellman. (He spots them.) Hi! Oro russhi dicomnon reemo, Asorahemas! Domo arigato Mr. Roberto!

Zelda grabs the phone and hangs up.

Zelda- Just what do you think you’re doing?!

Salem- I know the kimono’s a little gouache but it’s sho danged shilky.

Zelda- I’m talking about my credit card!

Salem- Oh that, I’m just making a little impulse buy. The future Mrs. Myoshi Saberhagen ships in two weeks.

Hilda- You bought a mail-order bride?! Dummy! What are ya gonna do when a Japanese woman shows up and sees that her number one American husband is a cat?

Salem- When she sees the engagement ring you bought her with your Discover card, she wont care! Nah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

He jumps down from the table and runs for it out the open back door.

Zelda- Can you believe the nerve of that mangy little fur-ball?! Stealing from us and then flaunting it!

The toaster pings and a jiffy-bag pops up.

Zelda- (Cont.) When was the last time actual toast came out of that thing? It’s for you from the Other Realm Department of Justice.

Hilda- Justice? That can’t be good.

She takes the envelope and opens it. What ever’s inside is packed in tightly and requires a few taps to get it loose. It falls to the floor and straightens into a suited man with a scroll.

Harry- (To Hilda) Oh you’re lookin’ fine.

Hilda- I was felling fine until you showed up. What do you want Harry?

Harry- A date for New Years. (On Hilda’s look) And to read this.

He unrolls the scroll.

Harry- (Reading) ‘Hilda Spellman, as a gesture of amnesty, the outgoing president of the Witches Council pardons you and everyone else involved in the Witch Water scandal.’

Zelda claps her hands with joy. Hilda’s jaw drops open.

Hilda- That’s fantastic! I’ve been pardoned! (To Zelda) I knew buying his wife that spa weekend would pay off.

Harry- The bottom line is you’re no longer required to feed, cloth and house Salem Saberhagen. The feline felon will be assigned a new halfway house.

Hilda- (Upset) Salem wont be living with us anymore?

Zelda- Hilda, have you forgotten? He’s a hardened criminal who lead a bloody insurrection to try to take over the world.

Hilda- Everyone makes a mistake now and then.

Harry- I suppose if you really wanna keep him...

Salem returns minus the kimono.

Salem- Zelda, my Fancy Feast has lumps and so does my litter-box! Hilda, role up your sleeves and start scoopin’

Hilda- (To Harry) Book him Danno!

Harry points at Salem and he gets another new outfit. A brand new, solid steel kitty collar with a heavy ball and chain attached.

Salem- Ghe!

Another gesture from Harry and he and Salem vanish is a cloud of sparkles.

Hilda- Zelda, he’s gone! We’ll never see Salem again!.... Free at last!

Zelda- Free at last!

Hilda- Thank God all mighty...

Hilda & Zelda- (Together) We’re free at last!

The link arms and start dancing around the kitchen

Int. Adams College hallway. Sabrina pins up a notice on the notice board. It has an abundance of pink hearts decorating it and reads:-

Roxie walks by.

Roxie- Hey, what’s that for?

Sabrina- Josh and I are throwing a singles party at the Coffee House. I’m sure you think it’s stupid.

Roxie- I haven’t been on a date in five months, I can live with stupid.

She takes one of Sabrina’s notices and leaves.

Sabrina- (To herself) Well there’s no motivation like desperation.

She comes round the corner and spots Miles chatting up a girl by the water-fountain.

Miles- Okay, so I’m watching ‘Deep Space Nine’ There was er there’s a cool episode er...

He’s talking to thin air as the girl has just walked away.

Miles- (Calling after) About the Borg!

Sabrina goes over to him.

Sabrina- Oh she wasn’t your type anyway.

Miles- Yeah, I usually strike out with the normal human ones. Let’s face it, I’m never gonna meet a girl.

Sabrina- (Giving him a flyer) Yes you are, lots of ‘em.

Miles- Why should I pay five dollars to get rejected when I do it so well for free?

Sabrina- Well for every girl that says no, you’re that much closer to the one that’ll say yes! Dating is a numbers game.

Miles- So getting rejected by twenty girls in one night is a good thing?

Sabrina- Yeah, and for only five bucks, it’s a bargain.

Int. Salem’s closet. Hilda and Zelda rummage through the shelves and piles of ‘stuff’ that their cat has collected over the last quarter of a century.

Hilda- I never realised what a pack-rat Salem was.

Zelda- It’s amazing, he saved everything. Wrapping paper, aluminium foil, my Cartier watch!

Hilda- He needed something to go with your Ferragamo handbag. Zellie are you sure I did the right thing with Salem?

Zelda- Yes absolutely, he was evil, selfish and disgusting.
Hilda- You’re right. Goodbye and good riddance.

She starts throwing all his various little kitty suits into the box to throw out.

Hilda- (Cont.) <Gasp!> But honestly, how cute was he when he wore this little outfit?

She holds up his sailor suit.

Zelda- I loved his Shirley Temple phase. Remember how he’d put that on and sing ‘The good ship Lollipop’?

Hilda- That cat could really shuffle off to Buffalo. I do hope he lands some place nice.

Int. Dick and Doris’ house. Doris sits knitting while Dick reads the paper. With a wail of dismay Salem lands on their coffee table.

Dick- (Removing his pipe) Well who are you?

Salem- Salem Saberhagen, aka, The Fist, aka, Mr. Julian.

Doris- He must be the new parolee Harry said he was sending over.

Salem- You are correct madam! But now if you’ll kindly show me to my quarters, I’d like to freshen up before gorging on a nice suviche appetiser.

Doris- (Picking Salem up and laughing) Of course you would, yes.

She carries him to the door and opens it. She then opens the heavy, iron bound door behind it and tosses Salem through it.

Salem- Ghe!

With a wave of her finger the iron door slams shut with a clang and locks followed by the plain, everyday door.

Dick- He seemed nice.

Doris- Yes.

Int. Dick and Doris’ prison labour camp. Salem lands in a box of shoe leather cuttings. He looks around at the hard working slave labour force working on sowing machines and lugging boxes.

Salem- Uh-ho! Something tells me this isn’t the good ship Lollipop.

Snake- Welcome to Dick and Doris’ prison labour camp.

Salem looks up, and up, and up at the huge, bald headed, one eyed, tattooed, scared and leather clad man with the heavily muscled folded arms.

Snake- My names Snake and I’ll be your dungeon master. Now get sowin’ or you’re gonna be my lunch!

Salem- But I don’t know how to sow!

Snake- Grrr!

Salem- (Jumping across to the nearest machine) Just give me a minute to thread my bobbin! (Sob!)

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Friday night, 8.45pm. The place is full of boys and girls hoping to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. Couples sit at numbered tables. Sabrina walks amongst them and spots Roxie at table number one giving the guy she’s sat with her phone number. Sabrina walks on to the counter where Josh is.

Sabrina- This is going great! I mean how cool would it be if everyone here got dates and singles night really took off?

Josh- Very cool... and very profitable. Sabrina, you and I have discovered a beautiful way to create meaningful, lasting relationships. (He rings the bell on the counter) Switch!

All the girls stay seated at the tables they’re at while the boys all move on to the next table along. At table number two a boy and girl shake hands.

Steve- I’m Steve.

Erica- I’m Erica.

Steve- Yeah, I know you, you’re in my biology lab. I’ve been trying to get up the nerve to talk to you all semester.

Erica- I’ve wanted to talk to you too! Well let’s find out if we’re soul-mates in the next four minutes and twenty seconds.

At the counter.

Josh- Hey, I think we’ve got a budding romance here.

Sabrina- Yeah, I think we do.

As she says it she’s looking at Josh and there’s a sudden rise in intensity.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I mean they do.

Josh- Whoa right! Yeah, them. Why don’t I er... make sure we have enough sugar packets.

He heads for the store room.

Sabrina- Yeah, I’ll refill the coffee pot... as soon as it’s empty.

Later. Sabrina rings the bell.

Sabrina- (Calling out) Time!

The guys all change and Miles arrives at table number one.

Miles- My name is Miles, thus far we’ve only known each other as room-mates but I’m open to other avenues.

Roxie- Make a U-turn, this road is closed.

She gets up and goes over to the counter.

Roxie- (To Sabrina) I didn’t pay five bucks to get chatted up by Miles! I wanna meet that cute guy over there.

She points at the guy at table five.

Josh- That’s my friend Bret.

Sabrina- He should be at your table in another... (working it out) four bells.

Roxie rings the bell. Everybody changes. she rings it again and again and again. It’s like musical chairs but Bret arrives exactly where she wants him. Smiling she goes back to her table and takes Bret’s hand in hers.

Sabrina- (To Josh) Well the girl knows what she wants.

Meanwhile, because of Roxie’s bell frenzy, Miles arrives at table five in front of a cute blonde.

Miles- We may have only a few seconds together before the next bell, I need you to sum-up your entire being in four words. Go!

Cute Girl- Not - interested - in - you.

Miles- Four words on the dot.

He raises his hand.

Miles- (Calling to the counter) Can I get a bell?... Please?

Later, Sabrina again does a circuit of the tables. Roxie still stares loving into Bret’s dark eyes. Miles is getting Hollie’s phone number written on in hand. (It remains to be seen whether he’s got lucky or found a new Chinese takeaway) Sabrina arrives back at the counter.

Sabrina- Well I’d call this evening a total success. I bet more than a dozen phone numbers were exchanged.

Josh- Yeah, Roxie met my friend Bret, Miles met my friend Hollie (Waving a wad of money) And I met a lot of dead presidents. So where do you want Mr. Lincoln and his pals to take us for dinner?

Sabrina- Well I know Roxie’s a little bit nervous about her first date with Bret, so, y’know, maybe the four of us and the Lincoln’s can go somewhere together?

Josh- Sounds good to me... and old Abe’s up for anything... as long as we don’t wind up at the theatre.

Int. College house. Roxie and Sabrina come from there room dressed up for their date.

Roxie- I’m so excited about going out with Bret. Thanks for double dating with us.

Sabrina- How many times do I have to tell you, we’re not dating?

Roxie- And how many times do I have to tell you that you should be?

Sabrina- Well we tried it but it didn’t work, then he tried it but I just wanted to be friends and then I tried it but he was dating Morgan.

Roxie- Which he isn’t any more. The man's coming over to take you to a kung fu movie. Dead give-away that he wants a serious relationship!

Sabrina- D’ya think so?

Roxie- What I think is that you two are perfect for each other. I don’t know what’s holding either of you back?

There’s a knock on the door and Josh enters.

Josh- Hey, you ready?

Sabrina- Maybe I am.

Roxie- Where’s Bret?

Josh- Oh he couldn’t make it. Yeah, at the last second his buddy got him box seats for the Red Sox game. He told me to tell you he’s sorry.

Roxie- That makes two of us.

Sabrina- Wait a minute! Wait, Bret cancels but he doesn’t bother to call Roxie and tell her himself?

Josh- Like I said, he just got the tickets, he knew I was coming over here and I told him I’d give Roxie the message, which I did.

Sabrina- Roxie, are you okay?

Roxie- I’ll be fine. Have a great time.

She walks back to her room hugging herself and with a forced smile.

Josh- (Heading for the door) Okay, we’d better go. You don’t wanna miss the beginning of a Bruce Lee movie, the first ten minutes sets up the whole emotional arc.

Sabrina- Hold the phone! When Bret told you he was cancelling to go to the game, what did you say?

Josh- Er who’s pitching?

Sabrina- You didn’t say anything about, y’know, how rude he was? How insensitive? How you could never be friends with someone who’s so morally bankrupt?

Josh- I felt it was implied. Come on! We don’t wanna miss that cartoon with the little dancing hot-dog.

Sabrina- See if you can get what I’m implying? You and I aren’t going to the movies.

Josh- All right, let me get this straight Sabrina. You think my friend acted like a jerk and you’re blaming me?

Sabrina- No, I’m blaming you because you don’t even realise your friend acted like a jerk!

Josh- Okay fine! Bret was a jerk! Are you happy?

Sabrina- No, you’re just saying that because you don’t wanna keep arguing.

Josh- I can’t argue with that.

Sabrina- Y’know Josh, the scary thing about this is you’re not who I thought you were.

Josh- Yes I am! I just happen to have a jerky friend.

Miles comes from his room.

Sabrina- Miles, what do you think about a guy who doesn’t care how a woman is treated?

Josh- Well what d’you think about a woman who blames a guy for stuff another guy does?

Miles- You both need to re-lax! This is a normal argument that, eventually, all couples have.

Sabrina & Josh- (Together) We’re not a couple!

Miles- Well stop messing with my mind! I’m going to pick up Hollie for our date. Aren’t you guys supposed to be at the Bruce Lee movie?

Sabrina- We were until Johnny Blackheart here decided that he didn’t care if his friend treated my friend like dirt!

Josh- Oh you are just not gonna let this go are you?

Miles- Hang on a second, you have extra tickets for the nineteen seventy-one classic ‘Tang saan daai hing‘?

Josh- (Handing over the tickets) Here ya go, enjoy.

He takes them gratefully and leaves.

Josh- (Calling after) On second thought, I’m coming with you!

He follows after Miles.

Sabrina- Josh, we’re not done here!

Josh- Oh yes we are!

He leaves.

Int. The Boston Cinaplex. Josh sits watching Bruce beat the chow mien out of everybody on the big screen munching popcorn. Without taking his eyes off the action he hands the bucket over to Miles beside him who has his arm around Hollie.

Josh- Popcorn?

Miles- No thanks.

Inside the bucket something stirs. A tiny hand pushes a heavy, butter coated roast kernel aside and an equally tiny head pops up.

Sabrina- Oh! Artificial butter flavouring! Yuck!

Josh- (To Miles) Sabrina was way out of line, wasn’t she Miles?

Miles- Hello! On a date! (To Hollie) Legend has it that all of these guys actually died during the filming of this scene.

Josh- I mean, where does she get off blaming me for what happened to Roxie?! I didn’t do anything wrong! I acted the way any other guy would have acted.

Sabrina- (To herself) Yeah, like a jerk!

He reaches into his bucket for more popcorn but quickly pulls his hand back out.

Josh- Aw! The popcorn bit me!

Miles- Shhh! This is the scene where Bruce Lee repositions the spleens of twelve warriors from Thailand.

Josh- That’s a real man!

Sabrina- (To herself) I’m glad you think so.

She points sending a tendril of magical sparks at the screen. The dialogue changes.

Bruce Lee- Gentlemen, I was going to reposition your spleens but I’ve learned that a real man should admit when he’s behaved badly and have the insight to urge his friends to be more sensitive.

Josh- (To Miles) I don’t remember this in the movie, do you?

Miles can’t reply as his mother taught him not to speak with his mouth full and right now he has it full of Hollie’s tongue.

Sabrina- (To herself) He’s gonna have to get back to you on that.

Int. Spellman dining room. Hilda and Zelda have laid on quite a spread for themselves.

Zelda- So.

Hilda- So here we are, isn’t this wonderful?

Zelda- Ah Divine. Now that Salem’s not around we can eat like civilised witches.

Hilda- That’s true, no more guarding our plates against that vulture. Oh speaking of vulture, can you please pass the vulture?

Zelda- Certainly.

She shoves the large roast bird across the table.

Zelda- (Cont.) Yes, this is such a treat. Nobody begging for scraps, leaving whiskers in your creme brulee.

Hilda- Parading around in your best fish-net stockings. God I miss him!

Zelda- Me too! Hilda, do you think it would be wrong of us to...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Way ahead of you!

She twirls her finger and both sisters vanish in a large puff of smoke.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s room. Roxie lies on her bed reading while Sabrina gets ready for another Friday night singles party at Hilda’s.

Sabrina- You’re sure you don’t wanna give singles night another shot? We’ve booked a really hot band?

Roxie- No one wants to be at that stinking coffee house less than me.

Sabrina- Except me, Josh and I haven’t spoken in a week. I mean he hasn’t even called to apologise! This could kill the whole relationship.

Roxie- You mean the relationship you don’t have with the guy you’re not dating?

Sabrina- Yeah, I don’t want that to end.

Roxie- The end of a relationship is always the most depressing part, but it’s gotta be really depressing to end something that never got a chance to begin.

Sabrina- All I know is he should be the first one to call and apologise. He’s the one who acted like a jerk when Bret stood you up.

Roxie- Is that what this is about? You’re throwing away a great guy because of someone that never meant anything to me?

Sabrina- It’s the principle of the thing.

Roxie- If you’re gonna date based upon principle, your choices are the Pope or Saint Frances of Assisi.

Sabrina- So I’ve got options.

Int. Dick and Doris’ house. Dick hasn’t budged an inch in a week. He still sits smoking his pipe and reading his paper while Doris just sits fanning herself. It would be hard to tell that they had guests as the silence is electric. Hilda makes an attempt to break it.

Hilda- I like your bungalow. I like saying bungalow. Bungalow. (To Zelda) Say it with me.

Zelda- When will Salem be back?

Dick- Hard to say, he loves splashing around in the estuary doesn’t he?

Doris- Yes.

Zelda- It’s funny, y’know, he never liked playing in brackish water at our house.

There’s a tapping noise coming from the heating pipes.

Zelda- (Cont.) What’s that?

Doris- Er, the boiler, it’s on the fritz again. (Aside to Dick) I think it needs to be disciplined!

Hilda and Zelda listen closely to the tapping.

Zelda- (Aside to Hilda) Are you getting a weird feeling?

Hilda- No, but there’s something new I’d like to say. Brackish water. Say it with me, brackish water.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. The second singles night gets underway with a short set from the Pop Stars. When they finish their song the singles cheer and applaud.

Female Patron- Sabrina, this is great! How did you get the Pop Stars to play at singles night?

Sabrina- Well they may have a hit series but they’re lookin’ for love just like everyone else.

Josh- (ringing the bell) All right everybody! For the next round the women will switch tables. Let them do something for a change besides hold all us guys responsible for everything bad that happens in the world.

Sabrina- Oh well we wouldn’t hold you responsible if you did the right thing in the first place.

Josh- How do we have a chance to do the right thing if you blame us for stuff that isn’t even our fault?

Sabrina- It is your fault! You’re just too pig-headed to admit it.

Josh- What do you think Pop Stars one through five?

Pop Star #1- I think you both need some serious therapy.

Miles enters.

Miles- Hey Sabrina, Hey Josh.

Sabrina- Miles, what are you doing here on singles night?

Josh- Yeah, where’s Hollie?

Miles- It’s over.

Sabrina- (Turning on Josh) There’s a surprise! Another one of (Pokes him in the chest) your flaky Emerson friends dumps one of (Poke!) my room-mates and (Poke!) you (Poke!) don’t (Poke!) even (Poke!) care! (Poke!)

Josh- How do you know I don’t care? You didn’t even give me a chance to react... and stop poking me!

Miles- Actually I broke up with Hollie.

He leaves.

Sabrina- Huh?! (Turning back to Josh) I er looks like I made a little poke mark there.

She straightens the ruck in Joshes shirt from her poking.

Josh- Yeah, that happens when you point your finger at the wrong person.

Sabrina- All right Josh, y’know, maybe I jumped all over you but I’m still upset about the Bret thing.

Josh- Er that’s not much of an apology.

Sabrina- What are you talking about?! You’re the one who needs to apologise!

Josh- Again?! Sabrina, how many times do I have to say it? I’m sorry.

Sabrina- Until the one time you really mean it!

Female Patron- Boy, for a couple trying to bring people together, you’re setting a rotten example.

Sabrina & Josh- (Together) We’re not a couple!

Int. Dick and Doris’ house. The tapping on the pipes continues and Zelda has a pad and pen out and writes as she listens.

Doris- Where did you get those pumps?

Hilda- Other Real Shoe Pavilion, do you like them?

Doris- Not particularly.

Hilda- (Aside to Zelda) What ya doin’?

Zelda- Translating Morse code. I’ve got it! (Reading) ‘I’m in a basement prison cobbling shoes. Send help and suviche.’ (Standing) Hilda! This is an Other Realm prison labour camp!

Hilda- Oh Dick and Doris, shame on you!

Doris- Zap ‘em Dick!

Dick’s finger is fast.

Hilda- Watch out Zelda!

But Zelda’s shield spell is faster and while she shields them from Dick’s attack, Hilda traps them in a magic proof bamboo cage which goes nicely with the houses decor. Now that’s what I call teamwork.

Zelda- Nice work Superwitch!

Hilda- You too Hex Kitten! Let’s find Salem and get out o’ here!

Int. Dick and Doris’ prison labour camp. Salem taps his tin cup against the pipes.

Snake- Oi! That’s it, I’ve had enough of you Saberhagen! I’m famished.

As he closes in for the kill he’s distracted by a glowing light that cuts through the stone walls of the prison like a hot knife through butter. It cuts in the shape of a door and the section of wall falls inwards. The dynamic duo leap through with fingers raised.

Hilda- Everybody freeze!

Salem- Hilda! Zelda! Am I glad to see you!

Zelda- Salem, are you all right?! (Picks him up) Hilda, let’s get out of here before Dick and Doris escape. We’ll send the authorities after these retched men. Come on.

Hilda- Wait a minute!

She takes hold of Snake’s eye-patch and pulls it away from his face and does a turkey call before letting it snap back. Then she follows Zelda out through their newly formed door.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. At the end of another successful singles night. Josh rings the bell.

Josh- (Calling out) All right everybody, wrap it up. The nights over, we’re closing.

Miles gets up from his table with his companions.

Miles- Actually it’s just beginning, I’m sorry I only have two arms. Pop Stars?

He holds out his arms and two of the Pop Stars slip their arms through his. The other three disappointed ones lead the way out of the coffee house.

Sabrina- (To Josh) Well at least someone had a good time this evening.

Josh- Yeah, Miles and the Pop Stars really seamed to hit it off.

Sabrina- Yeah, they make an attractive... y’know, whatever.

Josh- So how is it that Miles can get along with an entire harem and you and I can’t even be civil to each other?

Sabrina- Look Josh, I don’t wanna keep going on like this.

Josh- Me neither!

Sabrina- Just because I didn’t like how you handled things with Bret doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be friends! I mean we still have to work together so we should figure out a way to get along so...

Josh silences her babbling by grabbing her by the waist and pulling her close. His lips meet hers for a tender kiss. When they part.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Well that’s one way.

Josh- For what it’s worth, if I ever had to cancel a date, I’d call you.

Sabrina- For what it’s worth, I hope we have a date for you to not cancel.

Josh- Well we never did go out for that dinner?

Sabrina- Well maybe we could octuple with Miles and his harem.

They kiss again and this time with a complete embrace. Finally!

Int. Spellman living room. A pair of legs walk through from the dining room, their feet classily clad in a pair of red, three inch healed mules.

Sabrina- These are the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever had!

Zelda- (Waving her well healed foot) And stylish.

Hilda- Oh cobbler!

Salem comes running through wearing his leather apron.

Salem- Yes Ma’am!

Hilda- I’d like five more pairs, one in every colour.

Sabrina- Yeah, and how are you with matching belts?

Salem- I’ll cobble whatever you want! I’m just glad to be home.

Zelda- And we’re happy to have you home.

Hilda- I’m sure you learned a lesson from your misbehaviour?

Salem- I’m sure I have.

The door bell rings and the three witches waste no excuse to walk to the door in the exquisite footwear. Sabrina opens it to a short, rotund Japanese lady in a kimono carrying a bonzai tree,

Myoshi- I am a Mrs. Salem San.

Sabrina- (Surprised) O-kay. Come in.

Myoshi (Entering) I bring you gift.

She puts down the tiny tree.

Myoshi- (Cont.) Where is my husband?

All three women indicate the little black cat in the leather apron.

Salem- Me-ow!

Myoshi- <Shrug> Nobody perfect!

Run credits.