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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Making The Grade

Written By - Laurie Gelman
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Josh - David Lascher
Miles - Trevor Lissauer
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Ryan - John William Stevenson
Wayne - Patrick Cronin
Harvey, The Profit Prophet - Howard Mann
Professor Dillard - Mark Chaet
Professor Klaveman - Allen Williams
Female Student #1 - Elizabeth Hart

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Hilda’s closing up for the night and showing the last of her customers, two women, to the door.

Hilda- Well thanks for coming, and tell you’re friends they’re welcome to come and discus their husbands, their boyfriends and their husbands boyfriends.

As the customers are leaving, Sabrina is busy bussing the tables.

Sabrina- What is it about coffee that makes people want to spill their guts?

Hilda- I don’t know but those guts are gonna buy me an outside cabin on a Caribbean cruise.

Sabrina- Okay, this little beverage adventure of yours does seem to be paying off.

Hilda- Yes it does! This month I might actually turn my first profit.

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo! I mean ka-ching!

Hilda- I just wish I didn’t have to wait until the end of the month to see if I made a profit. Wait a minute, I don’t. I’ll just call in my profit prophet, Harvey.

She points and from amidst a big puff of smoke appears Harvey. He looks around himself confused.

Sabrina- Your profit prophet is a big bunny?

Hilda- Oops, wrong Harvey.

She points again and giant white rabbit vanishes to be replaced by Harvey. He looks around himself confused.

Hilda- Really wrong Harvey.

Sabrina- Hi Harvey! How’ya doin’

She dashes round from behind the counter to talk to her old high school sweetheart, Harvey Kinkle.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You know, I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently and...

Hilda- (Interrupting) No time for chit-chat!

She points again and Harvey vanishes to be replaced by Harvey. This one doesn’t appear confused but was possibly an extra in the film ‘Moses’ with the robes, long white beard and a staff.

Hilda- Finally! Sabrina, meet Harvey, the profit prophet.

Sabrina- Hi, nice staff.

Harvey- Yes, the ladies seem to like it.

Hilda- So Harvey, is Hilda’s gonna be showered with shekels by the thirtieth?

Harvey- Let’s have a look see.

He holds his fingers to his temples, closes his eyes and concentrates.

Harvey- (Cont.) Nothing is coming.

Still concentrating he holds out his palm.

Hilda- You mean nothing’s coming for free.

She crosses his palm with green stuff.

Sabrina- Oh so I guess he’s not a non-profit prophet.

Hilda- So what’s the deal? Am I gonna make money or not?

Harvey- Not if ya keep piddling it away like this. Ha-ha-ha!

Hilda points banishing her not so helpful profit prophet.

Hilda- Next time I go with Isaiah

Run opening credits.

Int. College hallway. Roxie and Ryan, a jock, come out from a classroom. Roxie’s clearly unhappy.

Roxie- I can’t believe this. I’ve already got a ton of homework, how am I supposed to write a five page essay on Hamlet’s speech as a window to his madness? What about the window to my madness?

Ryan- I’m swamped too. I have to write a paper on Picasso, then study for my exams on organic chemistry and comparative religions.

Roxie- How do you do all this and fit in baseball practice every night?

Ryan- I’ve learned to multi-task. I’m on my way to the batting cages and I’m bringing my audio version of the Koran. See ya.

Roxie- Later.

Ryan leaves and Roxie joins Sabrina.

Sabrina- Hey, how’s it goin’?

Roxie- About as well as a nervous breakdown one-oh-one can go.

Sabrina- (Taking Roxie’s hand) Well you haven’t bitten your nails down to the cuticle yet, that’s a good sign.

Roxie- Like I didn’t have enough studying already, now I’ve gotta write an essay on Hamlet. This school is killing me. They expect me to go to class all day, study all night and get straight ‘A’s.

Sabrina- You don’t need straight ‘A’s?

Roxie- After last semesters grades I do, or else I’ll lose my scholarship.

Sabrina- Wow that’s rough. I don’t even have a scholarship hanging over my head and I’m already stressed out enough. My statistics class is killing me. Here comes my professor, he’s a complete tyrant.

A bespectacled man in a tweed suit passes the girls. Spotting Sabrina he stops.

Professor Dillard- Congratulations Sabrina, you aced another data analysis test. You’ve got a true gift for numbers.

Her scowl becomes a bright smile as the professor leaves. Roxie looks round at her friend before she can wipe the grin from her face.

Sabrina- D’ya see what I mean?! What a jerk!

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda shows Zelda the Coffee House books.

Hilda- Here’s my estimated monthly sales gross and here’s my projected annual gross. With a pudding stain on it, gross!

Zelda- Hilda, if you want to turn a profit you’re gonna have to cut costs.

Salem- (By the phone) Or if you really wanna make some serious mullah, talk to my investment counsellor, Sid.

Sid- Hello?

Salem- (Down phone) Yeah Sid! Hey, put me down for a hundred on Run Like Hell in the fifth.

Int. College house. Miles hunts around in the refrigerator while Sabrina and Roxie sit at the table studying hard. Josh stands by the stairs checking his watch... again.

Josh- (Calling up stairs) Hey Morgan! You almost ready?

Morgan- (OS) One more minute! I’m layering my scent!

Miles- I don’t wanna know what that means.

Roxie- (To Sabrina) Okay, how does this sound. (Reading) Hamlet, the young Danish prince, is possibly one of Shakespeare’s most... most... most...

Sabrina- Most... repetitive characters?

Roxie- Okay, so now you’re making fun of me, like I’m not under enough pressure. If I read this play one more time my brains gonna explode!

Sabrina- Well now you’ve officially graduated to madness one-oh-two.

The door-bell rings. Roxie breaks off her essay to answer it.

Roxie- Ryan! Come on in.

Ryan- Thanks.

Roxie- Let me guess, you’re here because you’re having as much trouble with this Hamlet paper as I am?

Ryan- Er no, Morgan’s fixing me up with a friend of hers. We’re doubling with her and Josh.

Josh- Oh hey Ryan.

Ryan- (Shaking hands) Hey, how’s it goin’?

Josh- Great.

Roxie- (Amazed) How do you have time to go out on a date? Don’t tell me you already finished your paper?

Ryan- No, I’ll do it after the date. You know what they say, all work and no play...

Miles- (Interrupting) Leads to the eventual destruction of the cerebral cortex. (On everyone’s look) Maybe it’s just my family.

Morgan comes down stairs dressed up to the nines.

Morgan- I’m ready.

Josh- Morgan, we’re just going to Denny’s for a burger.

She gives him a peck on the cheek.

Morgan- You never know who you might run into.

Sabrina- Yeah, there might be a fry cook there who can put you on the cover of Mademoiselle.

Morgan- (With a fake laugh) Come on guys. (To her house-mates) See you later.

Ryan- See ya.

Morgan, Josh and Ryan leave.

Roxie- What’s up with that?

Sabrina- Yeah, I didn’t smell any layers in her scent.

Roxie- Not her, Ryan?

Sabrina- Oh now he smelled good.

Roxie- I mean he knocks off his paper in his spare time and mine’s gonna take me all night. I must be really stupid.

Sabrina- Well first of all, you don’t know what Ryan’s work looks like when he turns it in. Second of all, y’know college is stressful enough, don’t add to it by trying to compare yourself to everybody else.

Roxie- I hate to break it to ya, but that’s what the whole grading systems about.

Sabrina- Oh, well in that case, what are you talking to me for? You’ve got a paper to write missy.

Int. Collage hallways. Sabrina bumps into Morgan.

Sabrina- Hey Morgan, by the look of last nights eye-shadow on your chin I’m guessing the evening went well.

Morgan- (Rubbing her chin) Oh it was fantastic. We all ended up at this party until four in the morning.

Sabrina- Really? That’s about the same time that Roxie got done with her Hamlet paper.

Morgan- Wow! Y’know if I liked her more I’d sorta feel bad for her.

Sabrina- Y’know Roxie works her tail off for her GPA, how is Ryan able to go out and party all night and still get good grades?

Morgan- Hello! Star pitcher for the baseball team.

Sabrina- Hello! Don’t understand what that has to do with anything?

Morgan- Sabrina, you are so naive. The school grades athletes way easier, plus the coaches encourage those guys to take cake classes which are guaranteed ‘A’s, like bowling and life style skills, which, by the way, I aced.

Sabrina- Giving any student that kind of preferential treatment is totally unethical.

Morgan- (Yawning) Yeah. Anyway, whatever.

She walks off. Sabrina stands motionless, stunned by what she’s just learned until a familiar figure passes.

Sabrina- Hey aunt Zelda, have you ever been told to take it easier academically on star athletes?

Zelda- No, although I must admit I don’t get a lot of middle line backers taking advanced quantum mechanics. Why do you ask?

Sabrina- Well it seems to be a practice that goes on here with certain teachers.

Zelda- <Gasp!> That’s appalling! You know the same thing happened with the varsity jousters in high school. In alchemy, Merlin just let them pull ‘A’s out of a hat.

Sabrina- Did you do anything about it?

Zelda- When was the last time you saw a jouster?

Int. College class room. Professor Klaveman, the English literature professor, is sat alone marking papers. A head peeps round the door.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) This calls for a closer inspection. Much closer.

She points at herself and vanishes in swirl of sparkles. Professor Klaveman tries to write on a paper with his pencil but the lead is too worn down. He drops it aside and plucks a fresh one from his pencil holder. On the eraser on the back end of the pencil is a small, familiar face. It looks down at the paper being marked.

Sabrina- Roxie’s paper. She’ll definitely get an ‘A’

The professor gives her a ‘B’

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey! She worked really hard on that!

Her teeny tiny voice cannot be heard by the professor as he moves onto the next paper. As he reads he absently rubs the end of his pencil against his not very closely shaven chin.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And that tickles!

The next paper is Ryan’s and comprises of two scribbled lines. ‘Sorry I didn’t have time to do the paper. I had baseball practice.’ Smiling, the professor gives him an ‘A’

Sabrina- An ‘A’ for party boy?! That’s insane. I’ll fix that.

She uses her head. With a lot of panting and magical effort she forces the pencil round and rubs out the ‘A’ in spite of Professor Klaveman’s best efforts. She then forces him to turn her round again and give him an ‘F’

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, that’s more like it.

The professor studies the pencil with a frown before erasing the ‘F’ vigorously.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Aw! Hey! Watch the earrings! Hey! Hey!

He then spins her around and tries to write the ‘A’ again. Sabrina resists grunting and panting

Sabrina- (Cont.) No! No! Argh! Urph!

Professor Klaveman- This is the last time I buy from Staples!

Sabrina- I wonder if there’s any Dramamine in that drawer?

Finally giving up the professor throws the offending pencil across the room.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Gently! Urgh!

Int. Hilda’s Coffee Shop. Sabrina sits at a table working on her lap-top computer as Josh comes over.

Josh- Sabrina, you’ve been working on that article for hours. Can I get you anything?

Sabrina- Either a solution to unfair grading practices for athletes or a pumpkin bagel.

Josh- A pumpkin bagel comin’ up.

He walks over to the counter.

Josh- Hey where are the pumpkin bagels?

Hilda- In the pumpkin bagel patch?

Josh- Huh?

Hilda- In the interest of lowering overhead we are no longer in the exotic carbohydrate business. From now on all we sell are plain bagels and glazed donuts.

Josh- Hilda, we have an eclectic, sophisticated clientele, all right. A lot of the people who come in here look forward to their cran-apple poppy seed scones.

Hilda- They may like them but in order for me to turn a decent profit I would have to charge separately for the crans, the apples and the poppy seeds.

Josh- Well hey, if all you’re worried about is profit, why don’t you just start making the cappuccino’s with instant coffee?

She hands him an economy jar of instant granules.

Hilda- Way ahead of you. Just put in some hot steam mocha mix, sprinkle cinnamon on it, nobody will know the difference... except my accountant.

Int. College classroom. Zelda puts her things away after her lecture. Sabrina sits on the edge of the desk waiting for her.

Zelda- This article of yours is causing quite a stir on campus.

Sabrina- Oh well is that not the purpose of good journalism? To shine a light on important issues and make people think?

Zelda- Exactly, and rumour has it the school is gonna crack down on preferential grading practices.

Sabrina- Oh that’s great! I’m really happy for Roxie. Finally the playing field will be level.

Zelda- I’m very proud of you Sabrina. You stood up for what was right and you didn’t have to cast a pox on any jousters.

Int. College hallway. Sabrina and Zelda come out from the classroom.

Zelda- (Cont.) You deserve a pat on the back.

Doing just that she leaves Morgan, who’s standing with Ryan and some other jocks spots Sabrina.

Morgan- (To Ryan) Hey, there she is.

Ryan intercepts Sabrina.

Ryan- Nice work Spellman.

Sabrina- Oh hey, d’ya like my article?

Ryan- Loved every word. Thanks to you I’m out of the big play-off game next Saturday.

Sabrina- (Beginning to sense the air of hostility within the group) What?

Ryan- The coach just benched me until I finish all my assignments.

Morgan- I hope you’re proud of yourself? You just cost Adams College the championship.

They all look disgusted at her as they leave.

Sabrina- (To herself) At least I didn’t give anyone a pox.

Roxie finds her. At least she’ll be pleased.

Roxie- Way to go Sabrina. Because of your stupid article I can kiss my ‘A’ in bowling good-bye.

Or perhaps not.

Sabrina- What are you talking about? (Beat) You’re taking bowling?

Roxie- I needed a cake-class to keep up my GPA. Bowling was the one course where I didn’t have to work my tail off to get a good grade, but now, because of you, my teacher says we have to actually show up and learn how to bowl.

Sabrina- You’re really taking bowling?

Roxie- Yes! And now I have to get an ‘A’ on the bowling final.

Sabrina- There’s a bowling final?

Roxie- There is now!

Sabrina- Look, I’m sorry, I really am. I just wanted to make things fair, for you, for everybody.

Roxie- Well I’m not everybody. Just someone who’s gonna fail bowling and lose her scholarship. Thanks a lot Spellman.

She leaves. Sabrina watches her go with a sigh.

Sabrina- (To herself) I can’t believe this is happening... I can’t believe there’s a bowling final.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Hilda walks amongst the customers with a pot of coffee offering refills. The knitting circle on the settee decline. At the counter another new breed of coffee house customer is being served.

Josh- One glazed donut and freeze dried coffee coming up.

Wayne- Thank you kindly son. So, how much rain d’you figure we’re gonna get?

Josh- The same amount as when you asked me five minutes ago.

Wayne- That’s true, those danged weathermen never get it right. How much d’you think weathermen get paid?

Josh- The same amount as when you asked me five minutes ago.

Wayne- (Taking his coffee and donut) You have a nice day now.

Josh- Oh well that depends on the weather, doesn’t it?

Wayne- You’re catching on.

Hilda arrives to refill her coffee pot.

Josh- Hilda, this glazed donut crowd is driving me crazy. I’m ready to beat my head against the espresso machine.

Hilda- Do it quick ‘cause I’m trading down to an instant hot cocoa dispenser. Thanks to the glazed donut crowd, I’m rolling in dough.

Josh- Nothing against making money but the quality of conversation in here has gone from ‘Is there a God?’ to ‘Are the bass bitin’ down at the lake?’

Hilda- I had no idea you were such an elitist. You need to embrace the down homesiness of our new customers.

She heads back into the crowd with her full coffee pot.

Hilda- Hi Wayne, knee still acting up?

Wayne- (Waking from a snooze) Ooooh.

He nods off again. Obviously needs more caffeine. Sabrina enters.

Hilda- (To one of the knitting circle) Maureen, let me know which hot dish t’ bring t’ fellowship supper. <Gasp!> I love that new leg Fred.

He taps his wooden leg proudly. Possibly lost it bass fishing.

Sabrina- Hey Hilda, since when do you talk like someone who married their first cousin?

Hilda- Since it started making me a pickle barrel o’ cash. Yeehaa!

Josh takes Sabrina by the arm and draws her aside.

Josh- Check your IQ at the door. Our new customers say it’s lookin’ like rain, over and over and over again.

Sabrina- I’d rather hear about the rain than how I’m responsible for Adams star pitcher not playing in the game against Emerson next Saturday. Josh, do you think writing that article was a mistake?

Josh- Absolutely not! You stuck with your convictions, you took a stand. You let everybody know that Sabrina Spellman cares about what’s right.

As he talks he removes his apron and hangs it up.

Sabrina- Thanks Josh.

Then she sees what’s on the front of Josh’s sweater. Emerson College.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Wait a minute! You didn’t care about the principle, you just wanted your school to win on Saturday!

Josh- I want justice to win, and if my school should benefit in the process, so be it. You have a nice day now.

Sabrina goes to clear some tables.

Sabrina- Excuse me, any chance it’s fixin’ t’ rain on Saturday?

Wayne- Could be ‘cause my knee is actin’ up. Course could be from the other day when I bent down funny.

There’s a ‘crick’ sound.

Wayne- (Cont.) Oh jeeze, there it goes.

Josh bangs his head against the espresso machine while clutching the empty tips jar.

Int. College house. Roxie and Morgan are hard at work at the table when Sabrina enters. She looks thoroughly dejected and neither of her house-mates acknowledge her arrival.

Sabrina- Hey.

Morgan- Oh it’s you.

Sabrina- You aren’t still mad at me about the game are you?

Morgan- No, now I’m mad at you because you put a major crimp in my social life. Ryan was going to take Josh and me to a party but now he’s home, chained to his books.

Sabrina- Look I know it seems unfair now but in twenty years somebody somewhere will thank me. (Under her breath) Please God I hope.

Morgan- It certainly wont be me.

She gathers her books and goes to her room.

Roxie- Me either. Thanks to you, I have to study Introduction to bowling theory for the, all important, written portion of my final exam.

Miles enters to grab a drink from the refrigerator.

Roxie- (Cont.) Then I’ll have exactly one hour to throw a bowling ball that doesn’t land in the snack bar.

Miles- I know how to bowl, I could give you some pointers.

Sabrina- Oh that’s a great idea. Miles is probably an incredible bowler, I mean that is a face that screams, ‘I own my own ball’

Miles- Sixteen pounds orange marble with a monogrammed bag.

Roxie- You can lift a sixteen pound ball with those scrawny arms?

Miles- Believe me, it took years of conditioning.

Sabrina- Look, it’s a great learning opportunity. Plus, you’re desperate. Go!

Roxie- (Unenthusiastically) Fine. (Sabrina nudges her with her elbow) I mean great.

Miles- Let me just grab a wrist guard, chamie and rosin bag.

He heads to his room.

Roxie- It only gets better.

Int. The Boston Bowl. A ball roles down the alley and drops into the gutter a yard short of the pins.

Roxie- Urgh! I’m never gonna learn this!

Miles- Sure you will.

He’s certainly dressed the part in his tight fitting, all-in-one, turquoise bowling suit, matching shoes and wrist guard. He picks up his orange sixteen pounder.

Miles- (Cont.) It’s very simple. First, step forward on your right foot.

As he talks he demonstrates. Roxie mimics his movements beside him.

Miles- (Cont.) Extend the ball, going into a down swing. Then bring the ball into a back swing slowly as the left foot gradually comes forward. Then when you reach the top of the back swing, step forward with the right foot, go into a slide on the left foot. Then at precisely the moment the slide ends release the ball thumb first and position your hand at approximately a forty-five degrees angle to your eyes.

He releases the ball.

Roxie- And that’s all there is to it?

They both watch the ball slide down the left side of the alley and swing in to hit between the one and three pins. Strrrrrrrrrrrrrrrike!

Miles- No, I like to do a little dance right about now.

He does, finishing with a high leap.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters to find it empty except for...

Sabrina- Hey Salem, have you seen aunt Zelda?

Salem- Since when did I become her personal secretary? Hey which horse do you like better? Shaved Turkey or Slap Me Silly?

Sabrina- I know I’d like to slap you silly.

Salem- And I’d like to shave a turkey. The point is, I’ve got to pick a horse and call my bookie. Oh by the by, I’ve also got a boatload riding on the Adams, Emerson game.

Sabrina- Oh I hope you didn’t bet on Adams. Thanks to my article, the star pitcher can’t play and everyone’s expecting us to lose big.

Salem- Ghe?! I’ve got page Sid at the track and tell him I meant Emerson! God I hope he’s still sober.

He jumps down from the counter and heads for the phone in the living room as Zelda enters through the back door.

Zelda- Hi honey, I’m so glad to see you.

Sabrina- I can guarantee you’re the only person in town who’s said that today.

Zelda- You should be proud of what you did. You tried to correct an injustice and that’s truly admirable.

Sabrina- Then why is everyone looking at me like I’m the girl who told Felicity to cut her hair?

Zelda- Sabrina, you don’t do a selfless thing for the glory, you do it because it’s right.

Sabrina- Well I don’t think it’s right that Roxie lose her scholarship, or for Adams to lose the big game. There’s got to be some way to set things right.

Zelda- Well you could use your powers to make it rain frogs, but that’s been done to death.

Sabrina- What about cats and dogs?

Zelda- If you think frogs are messy?

Sabrina- Acid rain? No, too much. I’ll come up with somethin’

Int. The Boston Bowl. Roxie sends one down. It skims the seven pin knocking it over.

Roxie- (Jubilant) Yes! I think I’m finally getting the hang o’ this. What’s my score now?

Miles- Twelve, in the fifth frame.

Roxie- Is that good?

Miles- Only for a respirator.

Sabrina arrives to see how they’re doing.

Sabrina- Guys, how’s the lesson going?

Roxie- Do you really wanna know?

Sabrina- I don’t know. (To Miles) Do I?

Miles gives a little shake of his head.

Roxie- The final starts in five minutes and the only way I’m gonna pass is if I run down the alley and throw myself at the pins.

Sabrina- Do they allow that? (On their look) Hey, I’ve never taken bowling.

Miles- (To Roxie) I’m telling you you can do this. I’ve showed all the moves, you just have to relax.

Roxie- My scholarships going right into the gutter, how am I supposed to relax?

Sabrina- (To herself) I may have a way. ‘Roxie’s too up-tight we know, chill her out so she can bowl like a pro.’

She flicks her finger Roxie’s way to trigger the incantation. Roxie calmly walks up and grabs her ball. She steps forward on her right foot, extends the ball and goes into the down swing. Then bring the ball into the back swing slowly as her left foot gradually comes forward. Then when she reaches the top of the back swing she step forward with her right foot, goes into a slide on her left foot and at precisely the moment her slide ends, she releases the ball thumb first and her hand positioned at approximately forty-five degrees to her eyes. Strrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrike! Roxie’s ecstatic, Miles is amazed and proud.

Sabrina- (Grinning) Very nice. Gotta go.

She leaves and misses Miles and Roxie’s dual strike dance.

Int. Adams College dorms. Ryan’s room. He sits at his desk pouring over Hamlet. There’s a knock at his door and with a sigh he gets up to answer.

Sabrina- (Walking straight in) Okay, let me start by saying I’m sorry. Now that’s done, let’s get down to business.

Ryan- Excuse me?

Sabrina- Well you’ve got to finish your work and bring your grades up by Saturday and I’m here to help.

Ryan- You wanna help? Turn around and walk back out that door.

Sabrina- Okay Ryan, look, you’re probably so overwhelmed you don’t even know where to begin and you’ve probably forgotten how to study, you’ve skated by for so long. (Looking at his Hamlet paper) And you’re certainly not going to get anywhere by doodling ‘I hate Sabrina.’

Ryan- All right then, what am I supposed to do?

Sabrina- First of all, never spell Sabrina with three ‘N’s, second of all, the sooner we open these books, the sooner you’ll be on that playing-field.

Ryan- I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

Sabrina- Sit down and let’s talk Hamlet.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Hilda looks weary as she sits on the arm of the settee beside Wayne.

Wayne- So I finally break down and get myself one of them ridin’ mowers and what happens? It rains for days. So I can’t mow my lawn. It’s the darndest thing.

Hilda- The darndest thing? I’ll tell you what’s the darndest thing. This conversation and every conversation I’ve had in this place since you glazed donut people took over! All you talk about is the weather! Your fish! And your farm equipment! I don’t care about profits, I want my cran-apple poppy seed people back!

Wayne- Cran-apple poppy seed? That’s crazy talk!

Hilda- Oh yeah? Well how’s this for crazy talk? Skidadle! Shoo! Shoo! Y’all don’t come back now, y’hear!

A good two thirds of the customers get up and start to file out. Josh comes over ecstatically.

Josh- And take this complimentary jar of freeze-dried coffee with you.

He hands it to Wayne.

Wayne- The missus’ll really like this.

As the last of them leave Josh turns to Hilda and throws his arms round her giving her a huge hug.

Josh- Thanks boss.

Int. College House. It’s breakfast time in the house and Roxie and Miles sit at the table eating. Morgan is in an unusually generous mood as she comes from the kitchen with her plate.

Morgan- Anyone want some of my tofu seaweed omelette?

Miles- Sure, I’ll try it.

He scoops up a forkful and pops it in his mouth.

Morgan- Oh it’s not to eat, it’s a deep cleaning facial mask.

Miles- That explains the witch hazel aftertaste.

Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Hi.

She walks straight past them heading for her bedroom.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Nighty-night.

Roxie- Hold on, it’s nine a.m. Where have you been all night?

Sabrina- Ryan’s dorm-room.

Roxie & Morgan- What?!

Sabrina- We were just studying.

Morgan- Yeah all right. Like I’ve never used that one before.

Sabrina- Relax! I’m just helping him catch up with his classes. He’s about half-way through, now it’s up to him to go the distance.

Roxie- Speaking of which.

Sabrina- I’m not a witch!

Roxie- Excuse me?

Sabrina- Er I’m sorry, I’m really tired. Did you say something?

Roxie- (Proud) I passed my bowling final with flying colours!

Sabrina- That’s great! Congratulations.

They high five.

Roxie- Yeah, I’ll be able to keep my scholarship and d’you know what? It was kinda fun learning a new skill.

Miles- I have much to teach you. Just think of me as your personal Yoda. (On her look) Or we could just stick with ‘Hey you’

Int. College hallway. Roxie and Miles enter and run into Sabrina, or at least someone they think might be Sabrina. It’s hard to be sure with dark glasses, hunched shoulders and hiding her face behind her books.

Sabrina- Oh hey Roxie, hey Miles.

She looks about herself furtively.

Miles- Why are you dressed like Ray Charles?

Sabrina- Oh I just came to slip into my three o’clock class and slip out with my life, that is unless Ryan turned in his work on time and things are back to normal.

Female Student #1- (Just in passing) Spellman, I hope you trip over your lap-top and die.

Sabrina- (Taking off her dark glasses)(To Roxie and Miles) Well at least you guys appreciate me. It’s good to know I still have friends I can count on.

Miles- We’re here for you Sabrina.

Roxie- Through thick and thin.

Ryan- (Calling from down the hall) Hey Sabrina!

They look and see him approaching with a gang of his jock buddies.

Roxie- We’re out o’ here.

They leave... fast as Sabrina turns to meet her fate alone.

Ryan- I’ve got good news, I handed in all my assignments and I get to play on Saturday.

Sabrina- (Calling out) Did everyone hear that! Ryan gets to play in the game on Saturday! Whoo- hoo!

She jumps about with joy and throws out her arms. Her flailing fist catches Ryan smack in the eye, knocking him backwards as he clutches at it.

Ryan- Ow! How am I gonna pitch if I can’t see?!

Sabrina- (Horrified) I can’t believe I lost the championship twice and it hasn’t even been played yet!

Ryan lowers his hand grinning.

Ryan- I was just havin’ some fun with ya.

Every one laughs and Sabrina graces him with a relieved smile.

Ryan- (Cont.) But just to be on the safe side, do you think you could stay away from the field on Saturday?

Sabrina- Yeah, anything I can do to be a good athletic supporter. (On everybody’s look) Gotta go.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina, Zelda and Salem sit listening to the big game on the radio. Salem sports his Emerson cap and pennant and a tray of bags of nuts.

Commentator- Adams leads one to nothing. It’s bottom of the ninth, two outs. Emerson‘s down to their last chance. Johnson steps up to the plate.

Salem- Go Emerson! Knock it out o’ the park Johnson!

Sabrina & Zelda- Nobatternobatternobatter hey!

Zelda- You know what I love about baseball? It’s all part of the game to be abusive and obnoxious.

Sabrina- D’ya know what I like best? The snacks. (To Salem) Hey, peanuts over here!

She raises her hand and Salem, with a grunt, tosses a bag over for her to catch

Sabrina- (Cont.) Thanks Salem.

Salem- How can you eat legumes when there’s so much riding on this?

Zelda- Salem, it’s just a game.

Salem- To you. To me it’s the chance to become fabulously wealthy... Or live as a fugitive and have my face surgically altered.

Commentator- Johnson hits the ball deep, deep, deep to left field!

Salem- Yes! Yes! Yes!

Commentator- And it’s....caught! The games over! Adams wins!

Sabrina and Zelda leap up from the settee and high five while Salem sobs piteously into his peanuts. The phone rings.

Salem- That should be Sid... and I should be booking my plastic surgeon and the next flight to the Camen Islands. Toodles.

He jumps down from the armchair and vanishes upstairs.

Run credits.



Pic of the Week