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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Sabrina's New Roommate

Written By - Ruth Bennett
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Josh - David Lascher
Miles - Trevor Lissauer
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Vic - Jay Bontatibus
Michelangelo - Mike Grief

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina sits at the table with her college work out as Zelda looks through her nieces book bag.

Zelda- Oh my! How on earth do you find anything in this mess?

Sabrina- I know my homework looks disorganised but I have a logical system.

Zelda- What part of your logical homework system is a coupon for Popeye’s chicken?

Sabrina- Well... Um, I’m a chicken when it comes to taking science tests, so what better book-mark to have than a chicken coupon? (Reading) Ooh! ‘Ten pieces for seven ninety-nine’

Zelda- Sabrina, I need to get you organised. You’ll need dividers, coloured markers, accordion file, label maker and a jumbo paper-clip. I have everything upstairs. You are so lucky you came to me.

Zelda heads off upstairs.

Sabrina- (To herself) Huh, some people win the lottery, I have an aunt who collects office supplies.

Hilda enters.

Hilda- Hi Sabrina, whaddya doin’?

Sabrina- Oh I just came over to ask aunt Zelda for some help with my physiology homework and she decided I needed to get organised. She went upstairs for supplies.

Hilda- Quick, I’ll distract her while you make your getaway.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, is it just me or have you noticed that aunt Zelda’s just a tad compulsive?

Hilda- A tad? She rearranged my sock drawer according to country of origin.

Sabrina- Doesn’t that bug you?

Hilda- Oh sure, but you just have to find little ways to amuse yourself.

She switched the salt and pepper shakers around on the table.

Hilda- (Cont.) Watch this.

Zelda comes down stairs carrying a box of office goodies for Sabrina. Sabrina and Hilda put on innocent faces.

Zelda- Okay, I think we have everything we... Something’s wrong. This room is totally out of balance.

Hilda- No it isn’t. Sabrina, is anything out of balance?

Sabrina- Only aunt Zelda.

Int. Zelda’s bedroom. Late that night. Zelda suddenly sits up in her bed and twirls her finger.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The salt and pepper shakers dance round each other in a swirl of sparkles until they’re back in their original positions.

Int. Zelda’s bedroom.

Zelda- Aah!

She flops back onto her pillow with a contented smile and goes back to sleep.

Run opening credits.

Int. College house. Sabrina, Roxie and Miles are slouched on the settee watching reruns of Green Acres on TV. Sabrina has a large bowl of popcorn balanced on her stomach that she and the others dip from as they watch.

Barney- Have you got everything straight?

Andy- Hu-hu.

Barney- Are you sure?

Andy- Don’t worry Barn, anybody does any law breakin’ I’ll nab ‘em and sack ‘em right there in number one.

Barney- That’s not number one! That’s number two! (Pointing at the cells.) One, two!

Roxie hits the mute button on the remote control.

Roxie- Can someone explain to me why we’ve stayed up till four in the morning to watch twelve continuous hours of Andy Griffith?

Miles- Because Mayberry is a microcosm of the human condition. How does the insecure Barney cope working in the shadow of an icon like Andy? What are the long term effects of Opie growing up without his two front teeth? And did aunt Bee never marry because she secretly worked for the CIA?

Sabrina- I just like watching Gomer and Goober.

Roxie- All I know is I’ve got a psyche test at eight thirty. I’m going to sleep.

They all get up to go to bed when Morgan enters through the front door.

Morgan- Hey everybody, what’s going on?

Roxie- We’ve all got class in the morning. We’re going to bed.

Morgan- Before sunrise? As your RA, I am very disappointed in your lack of college spirit.

Sabrina- You have a point. I mean if I wanted to live by the rules I’d be at home with my aunt Zelda helping her colour code the condiments.

Miles- That’s true! We’re adults now, we can be spontaneous, do whatever we want. Tonight, I’m not putting the toilet seat down.

Sabrina, Roxie & Morgan- (Together) Oh yes you are!

Miles- I say we hit an all night diner for corn-dogs and curly fries?

Sabrina- Ooh and then we can go down to the docks and have some clam chowder with the longshoremen.

Roxie- Soup and guys that smell like fish? I’m in. Let’s go.

They all head for the door grabbing their coats. Except Morgan.

Sabrina- Morgan?

Morgan- Oh. No thanks, I’ve got class in the morning.

She goes off to bed for an early night while the rest try to figure out what just happened.

Int. Spellman dining room. Or perhaps more correctly named the Spellman din-ing room. The din from Hilda’s industrial floor sander is deafening but Hilda has the protection of ear-tectors and safety goggles. Zelda, however, doesn’t when she comes in to find out what all the din is about.

Zelda- (Shouting) Oh no!

Hilda- (Shouting) This is so much fun. I can’t believe I waited two hundred years to re-do our floor.

Zelda pulls the plug. Ah blessed silence.

Hilda- (Still shouting) Hey!

Zelda- When you tried to remodel our last house the draw-bridge collapsed and we were castle-bound for weeks.

Hilda- You and Lancelot weren’t exactly complaining.

Zelda- Well I had to do something to occupy my time.

Hilda- Zellie, rest assured, this time is gonna be different. First of all, I have a kick-butt power tool and a new fangled invention call electricity.

She plugs the sander back in.

Zelda- (Shouting) I don’t have a good feeling about this.

Hilda- (Shouting) Trust me, I know what I’m doing.

What she does is sand a hole clean through the floor. The heavy equipment vanishes in a cloud of dust... and it has nothing to do with any finger pointing. Zelda looks down at hole in the dining room floor then back up at her sister.

Zelda- And I know what I’m doing.

Int. College House. Sabrina answers the door in her dressing gown... I mean of course that Sabrina answers the door wearing her dressing gown, not...

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, what are you doing here so early?

Zelda- Early? It’s four o’clock in the afternoon.

Sabrina- I knew that. I meant what are you doing here so early... in the year? I mean it could snow, you could catch cold but I see you brought extra clothes. Why’d you bring extra clothes?

Zelda- Hilda broke the house.

Zelda enters lugging her heavy suitcase and spots the pile of books, coffee mugs and fast food cartons on the table.

Zelda- (Cont.) Look, I see you’ve been pulling an all nighter. Oh I remember those days. What were you studying?

Sabrina- Gomer and Goober.

Zelda- I’m not really familiar with the German philosophers. Anyway, your aunt Hilda, the human wrecking ball, is on a home remodelling binge. Do you mind if I stay with you?

Sabrina- No, not at all... For how long?

Zelda- Oh just a few days.

Sabrina- A few days. That’s so much more than... one day.

Zelda- Well I thought it would be fun to spend some time with my favourite niece, that is if she wants me?

Sabrina- Oh of course I want you. Y’know just... my room-mates might feel a little weird about it. They kinda like to hang loose.

Zelda- No problem, I’m the original hang loose gal. I just love to go with the flow y’know, kick back, chill out. (Seeing the state of the kitchen) Scour and disinfect. It’s a good thing I brought my cleaning supplies.

Sabrina- You travel with cleaning supplies?

Zelda reaches into her handbag and pulls out a pair of marigolds, a brillo pad, a feather duster, disinfectant bottle and a long handled broom.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh I guess you do.

Zelda- Just the essentials.

Sabrina- Oh they’re all monogrammed too.

Later. Sabrina lies back on the settee with her legs dangling over the arm reading a dog-eared text book with it’s back broken while Zelda finishes up her cleaning.

Zelda- You know when I went to school we didn’t study like that. We sat at a table, treated our books with care and prayed that the students who had used them before us hadn’t died of the plague.

Sabrina- You know aunt Zelda, things today are a little different.

Zelda- I know and I don’t have a problem with that because I’m a...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Hang loose gal. You really don’t have to keep saying that.

Zelda- Fine, I’ll just whip up some dinner. Let’s see what you have.

She opens the refrigerator and finds one bottle of root beer, one bottle of passion pink nail varnish and two nine volt batteries.

Zelda- (Cont.) Hmm. Diet soda, nail polish and batteries. That should make quite a casserole.

Morgan and Roxie enter from college.

Morgan- Hi.

Roxie- Hi.

Sabrina- Hey guys. Listen, um my aunts gonna stay for a few days if it’s okay with you.

Morgan- (With a big smile) Oh it’ll be great, you can never have enough adult supervision. I can say that with a big smile because I’ve a room of my own on a whole different floor. See ya.

She goes off to her room.

Roxie- Well I guess you did have me at your house for Christmas and as my uncle Louis the lip says. ‘It’s time to pay the piper.’

She heads for her and Sabrina’s room.

Zelda- (Calling after) Oh now don’t worry girls, you wont even know I’m here.

Later. Roxie and Sabrina sit on the settee watching TV. Zelda comes from the bathroom in her robe. I mean she comes from the bathroom wearing her... Oh you know what I mean. She yawns.

Zelda- Ten o’clock, everybody ready to turn in?

Sabrina- Er, Green Acres is just about to start.

Zelda- Oh. (Sits with them) Ooh I love gardening shows.

Roxie- It’s not a gardening show. It’s about a ditzy Hungarian socialite who lives on a farm with her husband and a pig named Arnold.

Zelda- You know it wouldn’t hurt you girls to try and nourish your minds with something a little more educational.

She checks the TV guide.

Sabrina- We’ve been nourishing our minds all day, we need a funny pig.

Zelda- There’s a wonderful production of Die Fledermaus on PBS.

She takes the remote from Sabrina and flips the channel over. The opera music fills the room.

Zelda- (Cont.) Ah, that’s what I call a basso profundo.

Sabrina- He’s no Mister Ziffel.

Roxie- I say we take a vote.

Sabrina- Here’s my vote. We let my aunt watch her nazi opera here and we go down to the student union and watch the pig on the big screen.

Roxie- Good idea. Later.

Sabrina- Bye aunt Zelda.

Zelda- Oh bye.

Sabrina and Roxie leave.

Zelda- (Cont.) Well, it looks like it’s just you and me Prince Orlofsky.

Miles enters. He sees Zelda lay prone across the settee wearing her bathrobe and comes to a stunned halt.

Miles- I dream this dream a lot but it usually involves baby-doll pyjamas... but I can’t remember what you were wearing.

The subject of his fantasy is caught up in her opera and doesn’t hear his comments but spots him.

Zelda- Oh hello Miles. Well I’m going to be staying here for a few days, I hope you don’t mind?

Miles- Me? Yeah! No! I mean no-no not at all.

Zelda- Good. Well would you like to sit and watch Die Fledermaus with me?

Miles- It would be the high point of my existence.

Zelda- You don’t still have that little crush on me do you?

Miles- That? No. Way over it. Gone. Ancient history.

He walks towards the settee to join Zelda but trips on the edge of the rug and falls right across her lap.

Zelda- Oooh!

He rolls over to look up at her.

Miles- I think I’ll go to my room.

He gets up and dashes off.

Int. Spellman dining room. Hilda’s still hard at it with her sander. She turns it off for a breather.

Hilda- This is a much bigger job than I thought. Especially after we add on the repair work to the floor.

Salem- (Also wearing ear-tectors, safety goggles and a tool belt.) Or we leave it like it is and turn the dining room into a cock fighting pit.

Hilda- I know we can get this job done, it’s just gonna take a little elbow grease.

Salem- I’m a cat! I don’t have elbows. You, on the other hand, have a magic finger. Use it and get us out of this home improvement nightmare!

Hilda- Don’t you want the satisfaction of knowing that we did this ourselves?

Salem- No, I want nothing more than to eat, sleep and dream about Mrs. Michael Douglas.

Hilda- I don’t care what you and Zelda say, I am gonna make our house a nicer place to live.

She fires up the sander again and starts across the floor. The flex drags along the floor and hooks around Salem dragging him into the gaping pit in the middle of the floor.

Salem- Uurgh!

There’s a thump as he hits the bottom.

Int. College House. The wee, small hours. Roxie and Sabrina return to find Zelda on the phone while her eyes remained glued on the info-mercial on the TV and her free hand mechanically feeds popcorn into her mouth.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, you’re up?

Zelda- Shhhh! I’m ordering a Gonzo knife. If I act now they’ll throw in a complete set of titanium kebab skewers.

Roxie- And if I act now I might actually get some sleep. Bye.

Sabrina & Zelda- (Together) Good night.

She goes to bed.

Zelda- (On phone) Yes... Oh what the heck, we only live once. Throw in the Game Captain Chicken De-boner.

She switches off the phone.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, I’m a little confused here. When I left you were watching the opera? How did you go from Die Fledermaus to de-boner?

Zelda- Well after the opera ended I was flipping through the channels and that show came on, the one with the Hungarian and the pig and before I knew it I was laughing myself silly. Oh that Gabor gal and the Penwar husking corn. It still tickles me, Ha-ha.

Sabrina- That’s my favourite episode.

Zelda- I can’t believe how much I’ve been missing... Sabrina, I know why you and Roxie ditched me tonight.

Sabrina- Mmm, because you’re a teeny weenie bit of an uptight control freak?

Zelda- I was, but that’s about to change.

Sabrina- And you got all this just from watching Green Acres?

Zelda- Well and-and watching the way you kids live. I mean when I was in college every time I wanted to... cut loose, somebody was there telling me I couldn’t and usually that somebody was me.

Miles comes out from his room.

Sabrina- Wow, after all these years you’re finally ready to pop out of your shell.

Zelda- (Throwing her arms wide) I’m poised and ready to pop!

Miles- You probably don’t want me in the room for this. I’m gonna go.

He goes back into his room. Zelda and Sabrina smile at each other.

Sabrina- Well that’s great. You go girl... I mean aunt girl.

Zelda- (Throwing her arms high) Whoo-hoo!

Sabrina- (Throwing her arms not so high) Whoo-hoo!

Int. College House. The next morning. Sabrina comes out of her room as Zelda wakes and stretches on the settee where she slept.

Sabrina- Good morning aunt Zelda. So, how d’ya sleep?

Zelda- Oh amazingly well. I’m starving, what’s for breakfast?

Sabrina- Oh breakfast, the most important meal of the day.

A few seconds later they open the kitchen cupboard to reveal that it’s packed with a wide and diverse variety of cereals, dessert, snacks and sweets.

Sabrina- You can have anything you want. Just reach in and grab the first thing that appeals to ya.

Zelda- Oh I couldn’t.

She reaches up towards the chocolate sauce bottle.

Zelda- (Cont.) Dare I?

Sabrina- You must. Unless you want to go back to being your old, uptight self.

Zelda- Never!

Sabrina- Then watch and learn.

They both grab armloads of goodies from the cupboard. Sabrina grabs the large popcorn bowl and Zelda lines the bottom with chocolate sauce. Next go in the Sugar Bombs, Gummy bears and hard candy. Two tubs of yoghurt follow and Zelda stirs as Sabrina adds a touch of syrup. The waffles pop up and are dropped in to soak up the juices. It’s topped off with the last of the chocolate sauce, ice cream, peanut butter, Doritos and two pieces of sausage baguette. Now that’s what I call a witches brew. Zelda tastes their breakfast concoction.

Zelda- Not bad. In fact it’s delicious.

Sabrina- Wow! I’m very proud of you aunt Zelda. You know yesterday you would never have eaten gummy bears with peanut butter and an eight-day-old meatball sandwich.

Zelda- (With her mouth full) You’re darned right I... (Swallows) How old was that meat?

Sabrina- Do we care?

Zelda- No.

Sabrina- Are we loose?

Zelda- Yes! We’re loose.

She stands raising her right arm straight up and holds her left straight out to her side in an ‘L’ shape.

Zelda- (Cont.) Give me an ‘L’

Sabrina- We’re not that loose.

Int. Spellman dining room. The hole in the floor is fixed and Hilda and Salem have reverted to sanding the old fashioned way. By hand. Or in Salem’s case, paw.

Hilda- Oh come on, step it up. At this rate we’re never gonna finish.

Salem- (Sob) My feet are raw! They’re bleeding! (Sob! Sob! Sob!)

Hilda- Oh you idiot! You put the sandpaper on upside down!

Salem- (Sob! Sob!) Get it off me! (Sob!)

Int. College House. Sabrina and Roxie play with their new dolly. The pair of them sit braiding Zelda’s hair in tight dreads for that Bo Derek look.

Zelda- (Concerned) So how’s it going up there?

Roxie- Technically, what’s the difference between braids and knots?

Zelda- (More concerned) knots?! Oh dear... I mean...er whatever. I’m up with that.

Sabrina- The expression is ‘Down with that’ and you look great.

Morgan enters excited.

Morgan- You guys aren’t going to believe this! I got us invited to a rave tonight.

Zelda- What’s a rave?

Roxie- A wild dance party that happens with no advanced warning.

Morgan- Someone gives you a phone number. You call, then you get another phone number. Then if you sound cool enough they tell you where the party is.

Zelda- That leaves no time to buy a hostess gift.

Sabrina- Er not a big problem at raves.

Roxie- I’ve gotta go change. It could take me hours to find something that says ‘I just threw this on.’

Morgan- (Calling after) Oh I’d say you’re there.

Roxie wastes a withering look at her house-mate.

Morgan- (Cont.) Oh! I have to tell Josh where to meet us.

She dashes off to her room leaving Sabrina and Zelda alone.

Sabrina- Are you coming with us aunt Zelda?

Zelda- Oh, no. How could you just go to a party on the spur of the moment?

Sabrina- Well the spur is the best part of the moment.

Zelda- Sorry, I have to teach class in the morning.

She picks up a hand mirror from the coffee table and sees what Sabrina and Roxie have done to her.

Zelda- (Cont.) And besides, I look like an albino Whoopie Goldberg.

Int. The rave. Music thumps, lights flash and sweating bodies writhe, jump, whirl and twirl in a massive crush. To quote those literary icons, Destiny’s Child. ‘The club is jumpin’ jumpin’

Sabrina- This party is so awesome!

Roxie- Who would have thought you could have gotten me invited to such a cool party.

Morgan- Oh don’t worry, it won’t happen again.

Josh- Sabrina, I think I saw your aunt over there.

Sabrina- Really? So she showed up, wow. What’s she doing? Hiding in the corner clutching her hostess gift?

Josh- I think she is the hostess gift.

They all look over to see a speadeagled body coming towards them held aloft by the crowd. It’s wearing skin-tight leather pants and a completely backless latex cut-off top. Things that Zelda would never be caught dead wearing.

Zelda- Oh hi Sabrina, this rave is fabulous. (To the guys holding her aloft) Boys, would you mind passing me towards the ladies room? I need to freshen up a bit.

She disappears over the heads of the crowd.

Zelda- (Cont.) Whoo-hoo!

Sabrina watches her go with her jaw firmly planted on her chest.

Sabrina- Am I hallucinating or did one of my primary care units get passed over our heads like a sack of potatoes?

Josh watches on as Zelda is tossed laughing over the crowd.

Josh- Wow, if I had an aunt who partied that hardy I might go home for Thanksgiving once in a while.

Morgan- (To Josh) Hello, remember me? Your girlfriend?

Josh- Don’t worry, we’ll toss you around as soon as we’re done with her.

He goes to join in the fun.

Sabrina- Okay, I’ve gotta put a stop to this. (Calling) Aunt Zelda! Can I talk to you for a second?

Zelda- (Shouting back) Sure honey! (To her supporters) Okay fella’s, time to touch terra firma.

They lower her down to her feet and one guy holds her as she gets her balance.

Zelda- (Laughing) Very smooth landing. Thank you.

Vic- Vic.

Zelda- You’re not a Vic, you’re a Victor, a conqueror.

Vic- Actually I’m a Blowski, Vic Blowski.

Zelda- Ah yes, so it says on your tattoo.

Sabrina pulls her away from the heavily tattooed and rather dishy Vic.

Sabrina- What are you doing?

Zelda- Having the time of my life! Thanks to you I feel like a young lass of two hundred again.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, I told you to loosen up a little bit, not become completely unravelled.

Zelda- I am not unravelling... but I’m on my way. (Calling out) Boys! Set me up again!

They’re more than happy to assist and soon she’s doing a close inspection of the ceiling above the revellers heads. Sabrina watches on with amazement.

Int. College House. Sabrina paces back and forth drumming her fingers on her crossed arms. Zelda enters and Sabrina plants her hands on her hips and confronts her wayward aunt.

Sabrina- Where have you been? It’s five-thirty in the morning! You could have picked up a phone and called!

Zelda- (Pouting) Well, I was with my friends and we weren’t near a phone.

She limps into the room.

Sabrina- That’s no excuse. I have been up all night worried sick about you.

Zelda- I’m sorry. I promise, next time I’ll be home before... Wait a minute, you’re not my mother.

She sits down and takes her high healed boots off.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, do you realise you have a class to teach in two hours?

Zelda- (Smiling and massaging her aching feet) Yes I do. Sabrina, I have been where I am supposed to be every day for the last six hundred years, tonight I’m doing something for me. Now if you’ll excuse me, Vic is waiting for me out in the van.

Sabrina- You are going out with a guy named Vic who drives a van?

Zelda- He doesn’t just drive a van, he sells steaks out of the back.

She leaves Sabrina stuck for words.

Int. Spellman dining room. The floors coming along nicely and Hilda stands with her paint roller triumphantly.

Hilda- Done! And I must say Martha Stewart is an amateur compared to me.

Salem- (With bandaged paws) Except she probably never varnished herself into a corner.

She looks around at the beautifully varnished floor that has her trapped in a small space by the wall.

Hilda- First of all, I am not in a corner. Secondly, how long do you think it takes for varnish to dry?

Salem- Hilda, if there was ever a time to use your magic it’s now!

Hilda- All right! But I did all the tough part myself.

She points at herself and vanishes in a billow of smoke. Another billow appears beside Salem and Hilda emerges from it.

Hilda- (Cont.)(Pleased) Well that solves that problem.

Sabrina enters from the kitchen and walks over to her.

Sabrina- (Frowning) Aunt Hilda, why are my feet sticking to the floor?

Hilda- (Fuming) Because you’ve just ruined nine hours of varnishing!

Sabrina- Well we’ve got bigger problems. Aunt Zelda stayed up all night last night dancing at a rave.

Hilda- A rave?

Sabrina nods.

Hilda- One of those wild, out of control parties that usually end up being shut down by the police?

Sabrina nods again.

Hilda- How come you didn’t invite me?

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, I’m really worried. I mean she’s gone completely off the deep end.

Hilda- Don’t worry Sabrina, it’s good for Zelda to loosen up a little bit.

Sabrina- Well... Zelda Spellman, professor of quantum physics, is now cruising around town in a van with a twenty-two year old meat salesman named Vic.

Hilda- We’ve gotta find Zelda and talk some sense into her. We’re also low on flank steak.

They both point at themselves and vanish

Int. Michelangelo’s Tattoo parlour. The incessant banging on the door is impossible to ignore.

Michelangelo- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Hold your horses! Hold your horse!

Michelangelo opens the door. It’s Vic with Zelda.

Michelangelo- Hey Vic, d’ya know what time it is?

Vic- I’m sorry man but my new lady, Zelda, she wants a tattoo. Zelda, meet Michelangelo, the best tattoo artist in this city.

Zelda- (Shaking hands) And it’s a pleasure to meet you. You are named after one of my very favourite artists.

Michelangelo- Oh, you’ve been over to my uncle Michelangelo’s parlour in Jersey huh?

Zelda- (Laughing) No, I was talking about the Michelangelo who painted the Sistine Chapel.

Michelangelo- Oh great, more competition.

Vic- This is Zelda’s first tattoo.

Michelangelo- Well better late than never. So what d’ya have in mind?

Zelda- Can you give me a rendering of Lucas Crannock’s ‘The elders judgement of Paris’?

Michelangelo- No, but I can give ya a rat that says keep on truckin’

Vic- Go ahead. Look round, see what ya like babe.

Zelda- Okay... Babe.

She wanders off looking at the framed sets of tattoos that adorn the walls looking for something that is just her. A group of six paintings of women faces catches her eye. Particularly the Pocahontas and the revolutionary. She wonders briefly if there were many blonde native Americans before realising that it’s Sabrina and Hilda.

Hilda- Zelda! What are you doing?

Zelda- Choosing a tattoo and I can assure you it wont be of you.

Sabrina- You can’t get a tattoo, it’s not your style.

Zelda- Well maybe it wasn’t before but it is now.

Hilda- Oh yeah, your biceps are just crying out for ‘So many chicks; So little time.’

Zelda- I really don’t appreciate the two of you interfering in my affairs.

Sabrina- Welcome to my world.

Vic- (Calling over) Yo babe! You pick one out yet?

Zelda- (Calling back) Not yet... babe! (To the tattoo pictures) I would like the both of you to leave... Now!

Sabrina- We can’t just leave you here to ruin your life.

Zelda- I’m not ruining it, I’m changing it and I refuse to discus this any further with a couple of busy-body tattoos!

The tattoos give up and leave just as Vic comes over and puts his arm around Zelda.

Vic- So what’s it gonna be babe?

Zelda- I’ve made up my mind. (Pointing) I want that rose right over there.

Vic- Spooky! That’s the one mom picked.

Later. Zelda sits pensively in the tattoo artist chair as Michelangelo examines the tools of his trade beside her.

Vic- Get ready babe ‘cause this is gonna hurt like hell.

Michelangelo- Yeah, most chicks say it’s not as bad as child birth.

He tilts the chair back.

Zelda- (Terrified) Well now that I’m completely at ease, ink me babe.

He puts the needle to her arm and turns it on. It buzzes away as he starts.

Michelangelo- Something wrong, it’s not working. I’ve never seen anything like this, your skin wont absorb the ink.

Zelda- That’s odd.

Ting! He sits back examining the end of his broken tool.

Michelangelo- That was a brand new needle. Hey lady, you’ve got some very weird flesh.

Vic- Hey don’t diss my girls flesh! Come on babe, we’ll try another place.

Zelda- No, I should have realised I couldn’t get a tattoo.

Vic- Well do ya wanna get somethin’ pierced instead?

Zelda- I’m sorry Vic, this just isn’t gonna work out.

Vic- Why not?

Zelda- ‘Cause I’m trying to be something I’m not. It’s not you, it’s me.

She kisses him on the cheek.

Zelda- (Cont.) Good bye... babe.

Vic- Good bye babe.

She leaves.

Michelangelo- Hey, I’m sorry man. So how’s the rib buy this week?

Vic- I’d go with the Porterhouse.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Sabrina come down the stairs together.

Hilda- That was a big waste of time.

Sabrina- It’s all my fault, I only meant to loosen aunt Zelda up a little bit. Instead I turned her into trailer trash.

Hilda takes a jar of peanut butter from the larder and looks around the shelves.

Hilda- Maybe it’s not such a bad thing. Now I’m the classy one in the house. (Slamming the larder door shut) Drat! We’re out of pork rinds and Ding Dongs!

Zelda enters through the back door looking a little sad.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, you’re back!

Hilda- With no visible tattoo!

Zelda- I didn’t get a tattoo.

Sabrina- (Pleased) Oh, so we did get through to you.

Hilda- I’m so glad! So nice to know that I helped my sister in her time of need.

They all sit at the table.

Zelda- The needle wouldn’t penetrate my skin. My witch subconscious wouldn’t allow me to do something so... untrue to myself.

Hilda- Same thing happened to me when I tried to become a nutritionist.

She spoons peanut butter into her mouth straight from the jar.

Zelda- I guess I’m just condemned for all eternity to be a beautiful, uptight genius.

She slumps. Her chin in her palm and a huge sulky pout. Hilda decides to cheer her up.

Hilda- Give yourself a hundred years... you wont be so beautiful.

Zelda- Thank you so very much.

Sabrina has a try.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, you’re not condemned to be uptight. Your subconscious didn’t stop you from eating Gummy Bears and an eight-day-old meatball?

Zelda- Well no, I guess it didn’t.

Sabrina- See, you can loosen up. You just have to stay true to who you are.

Zelda- (Cheering up) You’re right Sabrina. Thanks to you I can still be a hang loose gal.

She stretches her arms up through her hair but it snags on the leather wrist-cuff on her right arm.

Zelda- (Cont.) Aw!

Sabrina helps her to unsnag herself.

Sabrina- Of course you can. Now, wanna go out and get some breakfast?

Zelda- Now? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for class? And by the way Sabrina, if you keep up that partying all night, you are gonna flunk out of college.

She stands up and rearranges the salt and pepper shakers.

Hilda- So much for hanging loose.

Sabrina- Welcome back aunt Zelda.

Salem- (OS) HELP! Cat stuck in varnish!

Hilda- On second thought, breakfast sounds good.

They all get up and head off out for breakfast.

Int. College house. Sabrina, Roxie, Morgan and Josh sit morosely watching the TV in the manner of the terminally bored. The door-bell rings. Nobody responds. It rings again.

Sabrina- One of us should really get that.

Roxie- Yeah, one of us should.

Morgan- The youngest or the closest?

Josh- I can’t make such a big decision right now, let’s wait until the next commercial.

The door-bell rings again.

Sabrina- Oh I’ll get it. (Calling out) COME IN!

Hilda enters dragging a big suitcase with her.

Hilda- Hi!

Sabrina- Oh no, not again?!

Hilda- Oh relax, I’m not moving in.

She puts the suitcase on the table.

Hilda- (Cont.) I just came by to drop off a little thank you gift from Zelda.

She opens the case to reveal that it’s full of prime steaks and sausages.

Sabrina- Wow! A suitcase full of raw meat. That’s so thoughtful.

Hilda- And so marbled. I’m keeping the T-bone. Bye.

She grabs the steak and leaves.

Run Credits.



Pic of the Week