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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Tick-Tock Hilda's Clock

Written By - Laurie Gelman
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Josh - David Lascher
Eugene - Len Lesser
Sally - Holly Maples
Dr. Braverman - Mark Lonow
Eleonor - Louan Gideon
Roz - Leslie Sachs
George - Larry Dorf
Cashier - Susanne Wright
Judge - Zach Phifer
Receptionist - Julie Satterfield

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina follows Hilda round pestering her.

Sabrina- Er what about if I throw you a bowling party for your birthday? Er a clambake on the beach? Er Ice skating on the dark side of Pluto?

Hilda- No, no, and again no.

Sabrina- But okay then, a sit down dinner? Oh a stand up dinner? A lay down brunch? Stop me when you hear something you like.

Hilda- Sabrina, I do not want a birthday party. I do not want one on the beach, I do not want one with a sneech, I do not want one up in space, I do not want one anyplace!

Sabrina- A party in Whoville?

Hilda- Huff!

Sabrina- It’s your six hundred and fiftieth, and that’s big. We have to do something.

Hilda- I agree. We have to get back to work and never mention the words birthday or party ever again.

She walks off leaving Sabrina at the counter where Josh is pouring an oversized cup of coffee.

Sabrina- Did you hear her?

Josh- No, I try and tune her out as much as possible.

Sabrina- I wanna throw her a birthday party but she says she doesn’t want one.

Josh- (Shaking on the chocolate) Sure she does.

Sabrina- So when she says ‘Never mention the word party again’ what she really means is ‘Bring in the noise, bring in the funk’?

Josh- (Shaking to squirty cream) Sabrina, when someone says they don’t wanna party it means they really do wanna party. They just want it to be a surprise.

Sabrina- D’ya think?

Josh- (Squirting the cream) Yeah, everyone loves a surprise.

Nothing comes out of the can. He shakes it again and looks down the nozzle. Sabrina points with a mischievous grin and Josh gets a surprise face full of whipped cream.

Sabrina- Well... <Chuckle> Almost everyone.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina puts down the phone while Zelda pours herself a cup of tea.

Sabrina- Oh I’ve finally found an Other Realm bakery that’ll make Hilda’s favourite. Angel fruit cake with devilled ham.

She pulls a ‘yuck! face.

Zelda- Sabrina, you’re wasting your time. I’ve thrown her hundreds of parties over the years and she hated every one.

Salem- She wasn’t the only one. Bo-o-o-ring!

Zelda- What do you know? I’ll have you know people are still talking about that bash I threw for her four hundredth. Eight of the worlds most renowned astronomers pondering the Universe over a vegetable lasagne.

Salem- They weren’t pondering, they were sleeping.

Sabrina- Well this party’s gonna be great. I spent the whole weekend rounding up all her friends from the past. I even went through her address book.

Salem- I went through her drawers. Nothin’ going on there.

Sabrina- I’ve invited all of her girlfriends from the Other Realm High including ‘The future hex makers of America’ and ‘The Potionets.’

Zelda- (Chanting and waving her arms cheerleader style) Eye of newt Rah-rah-rah! Warts and strychnine Blah-blah-blah! I can’t stand those cackling hens.

Salem- (Reading from Sabrina’s notepad.) Oh good, the Gargoyles are coming. Have you heard from the Griffins?

Sabrina- Only Merv, he’s trying to get out of a dinner with Zigfried and Roy.

Salem- Gosh! You invited Sally O’Brian, my old flame. I’ll never understand why she dumped me.

Sabrina- You became a cat.

Salem- Still, you work with people.

Sabrina- (To Zelda) Maybe we'll get aunt Hilda out of the Universe for a couple of hours so we can surprise her?

Zelda- Mmm. Well she has been talking about this Mexican restaurant over on Orion’s Belt. They say the chalupas are out of this world.

Hilda comes down stairs and Sabrina quickly snatches her notepad from the table.

Hilda- Hi. Waddya doin’?

Sabrina- Nothing.

Hilda- What’s wrong?

Sabrina, Zelda & Salem- (Together) Nothing.

Hilda- It’s my dress isn’t it? If you hate it, why didn’t you just say so? (On their silence) Okay I’ll say it for you. Hilda, I hate your dress. Go change. Fine! If you put it like that, I will.

She leaves.

Zelda- Oddly enough, that’s the one dress of hers that I like.

Int. Spellman living room. It’s full of party guests standing and sitting around catching up on old, old or even older times. Sabrina passes amongst them being a perfect host. On the coffee table is a birthday cake. They couldn’t get one big enough to hold six hundred and fifty candles, plus their fire insurance wouldn’t stretch to it, so it has ‘Happy Birthday Hilda’ in icing.

Sabrina- Hi... Hello... Hi... Thanks for coming. Hilda will be here any minute... She’s gonna be so excited to see you. Can I take your coat?

The lady in question, who had her back to Sabrina, turns to show that her coat is not of the variety that can be taken... unless you’re handy with a skinning knife.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh.

She walks away with a smile and finds Salem sat in his favourite spot behind the settee. He’s dressed for the party in a pinstripe suit, blue silk shirt and cravat.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Well you seem pretty reserved this evening. I thought you were a party animal?

Salem- I’m saving myself for Sally.

Sabrina- Oh I think she’s right over there.

The russet haired temptress of his youth has lost none of her appeal as she stands talking to another guest.

Salem- Deva! I’ll say she is.

He leaps down from his sideboard and dashes to the piano.

Salem- (Cont.) Va-va-va-voom!

He jumps up onto the piano where Sally sees him.

Salem- (Cont.) What’s wrong gorgeous? Cat got ya tongue? Or do ya just wish he did?

Sally- Salem Saberhagen, you rake.

Salem- Ha-ha. I also mow, but we can talk yard work later. Ha-ha. Oh the years have been good to you Sally.

Sally- And you’ve got a little humus on your whiskers. You still give me the goosebumps fella.

Salem- Me-he-he-he-ow!

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The linen closet activates and Zelda and Hilda come out.

Zelda- (Loudly) Well Hilda, here we are back at the house!

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina hears the signal from Zelda.

Hilda- (OS) Good. I’m not in a coma.

Sabrina- (To the guests) Quick, everybody hide.

She waves her fingers above her head and everyone vanishes as her aunts come down stairs.

Hilda- (Clutching her stomach) I don’t know what’s in those Other Realm tacos but urgh! They always give the worst...

The room sparkles as everyone reappears.

Everyone- Surprise!

Hilda screams and grabs Zelda’s arm in shock and total surprise.

Later. Hilda’s sat on the settee flanked by her old chums as they reminisce.

Hilda- Remember how cute Sir Galahad was? He was the best jouster in senior class.

Roz- If anyone would know, you would.

They laugh. A squealing, painful laugh that would set a hyenas nerves on edge.

Zelda- (To Sabrina) Aurgh! That noise! It’s worse than nails on a blackboard.

Sabrina- I think it’s great. I haven’t seen aunt Hilda this happy since she went water-bed shopping with Casanova.

Hilda, Eleonor and Roz squeal again.

Zelda- Hand me a couple of those cheese balls.

Sabrina holds a plate of the snacks and Zelda takes two.

Sabrina- I thought you were watching your cholesterol?

Zelda- I am.

She sticks a cheese ball in each ear and looks a whole lot happier. Hilda gets up from the settee and takes her niece by the hand. Zelda trails along with them.

Hilda- Sabrina, have you had a chance to meet everybody? This is Roz and her son Barry.

Roz- Hello.

Hilda- This is Eleonor and her daughter Grace. Isn’t she adorable? And this is my old college room-mate Tess and her son Bobo.

Tess and Bobo are little under evolved, probably from sharing a room with Hilda. They’re chimpanzees.

Hilda- (Cont.) Zelda, you have cheese in your ears.

Her sister looks at her with a blank and relaxed expression. Hilda takes the cheese balls from Zelda’s ears.

Hilda- (Cont.) What are you thinking? These are for the guests.

She puts them back on the plate that Sabrina is still holding.

Sabrina- I think it’s so great you all brought your kids.

Roz- Oh can you believe we’re all moms? Except for Hilda.

Hilda- I’m not ready to have children. Right now I’m just dating guys that act like them.

Zelda- Hilda’s priority is her career.

Sabrina- That’s right, she's an entrepreneur. A very high level beverage broker.

Eleonor- Yes. I heard you bought a coffee shop.

Hilda- It’s a coffee house. Right now I’m focusing all my energy on getting it off the grounds. Ha-ha-ha!

Roz- Oh honey, besides, you never needed kids to give your life validation. That’s what we admire about you.

Hilda- Thank you. I admire that about me too.

Eleonor- What an inspiration. Your secure enough to live the rest of your life with your spinster sister and not even be bothered by it.

The spinster sisters look at each other with fixed smiles on their faces not bothered at all, not a smidgen, not the slightest iota.

Zelda- (through gritted teeth) Yep, really missed seeing these people.

Sabrina- (Changing the subject) Okay, who ate all the cheese balls?

Tess smiles.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The party’s over and they bring in the remains of the buffet. Hilda gives Sabrina a hug.

Hilda- Thanks for the party Sabrina, it was fantastic.

Salem- Tell me about it. Sally was all over me like a cheep suit... Rather like the one I’m wearing.

Zelda- Well I must admit that despite the food, the guests and the gift from Bobo in the laundry room, the party wasn’t half bad.

Sabrina- Well thanks aunt Zelda. You know if this college thing doesn’t work out I might go into the party planning business. I think I have a knack for making people happy.

Hilda bursts into tears.

Hilda- (Sob!) I wish I were dead! (Sob!)

Zelda- (Comforting her sister) Oh dear, perhaps the party triggered a lot of deep seated feelings. You haven’t seen those hens... I mean friends, for over four hundred years and now they’re gone.

Hilda- (Sob!) You think that’s it? (Sniff!)

Zelda- Well it could be.

Sabrina- Plus, big birthdays are always emotional. I mean when I turned two, I remember I cried like a baby... Wait, I was a baby.

Zelda- (Handing over the Kleenex) All you need is a good nights sleep.

Hilda- (Sob!) And a case of tissues. (Sob!)

She gets up and heads for the stairs.

Hilda- (Sniff!) Ooh! I smell monkey. (Sob!)

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina’s finished tidying up in the kitchen and dinning room and enters through the dinning room doors switching off the lights. She turns to find Hilda sat sobbing on the settee with a huge pile of crumpled, soggy tissues on the coffee table in front of her.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, I thought you went upstairs?

Hilda- (Sniff!) I can’t sleep, I’m buzzing.

Sabrina- Oh it must be all the excitement from the party huh?

Hilda- No, I’m literally buzzing. Listen to this.

She takes Sabrina by her head and places it against her bosom. Sabrina hears ‘Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr’

Hilda- (Cont.) Whaddya think it is? (Sob!)

Sabrina- Did you swallow the oven timer again?

Hilda- (Sob!) You are never gonna let that go are you?

She blows her nose and adds another tissue to the Kleenex mountain.

Sabrina- Okay, that’s not good and it’s definitely not mortal. We’ve gotta get you to an Other Realm doctor.

Hilda- (Sob!) I hate doctors! They’re always poking you and asking if it hurts. Of course it hurts! You just poked me! (Sob!)

Her chest goes ‘Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr’ again and she thumps it.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh knock it off!

Int. The Other Realm Presbyterian Hospital. There’s a sign on the hallway wall which reads.

< Radiology

> Cardiology

< Magicology

< Surgery

> Sorcery

Sabrina sits reading a magazine while aunt Zelda paces back and forth in the waiting area.

Tanoy- Doctor Corn please call radiology. Doctor Corn please call radiology.

Zelda- What is taking so long? Hilda’s been in that exam room forever.

Sabrina- She’s been in there five minutes. Why are you so nervous?

Zelda- ‘Cause she’s my sister. Sure she might drive me crazy, have obnoxious friends, be a little flaky, loud, overbearing, a complete slob...? What was I trying to say?

Sabrina- How much you care about aunt Hilda.

Zelda- I love that woman.

Int. Dr. Braverman’s examination room. He listens to Hilda’s chest with his stethoscope.

Hilda’s Chest- Brrrrrrrr!

Dr. Braverman- A-ha!

Hilda’s Chest- Brrrrrrrrrrrr!

Dr. Braverman- Oh!

Hilda- Well, what do I have? Rickets? Ringworm? Tapeworm? Small pox? Large pox? Mumps? Bumps?

Dr. Braverman- Hypermenosycronism type two.

Hilda- I went to clown college okay. Break it down for me.

He does this by holding his hand in front of Hilda’s stomach and drawing it back. In doing so he draws out a shiny, red alarm clock that drops into his free hand when it is fully extracted. It’s nine o’clock.

Hilda- (Cont.) Wow!! You’d think you’d remember swallowing a thing like that?

Dr. Braverman- Oh you didn’t swallow this. This is your biological clock.

The clock pings.

Dr. Braverman- (Cont.) Oow! It’s running a little fast. Has anything unusual happened recently?

Hilda- No, I’ve just been going to work. My niece just threw me this fantastic birthday party where all my old friends showed up with their kids. (Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!)

Dr. Braverman- Oooh that’s it! Your biological clock is telling you you wanna have a baby.

Hilda- (Sniff!) But I’m not ready to have a baby, I don’t have a husband. I don’t have a boyfriend. (Sob!) I don’t even have a test tube.

Dr. Braverman- I understand. Why don’t you leave your clock with me? I’ll recalibrate it and get you some more time.

Hilda- God, I love being a witch!

Dr. Braverman- You can pick it up tomorrow afternoon... Unless you have an HMO and then we’re talking about next year.

Hilda- Don’t worry, I have broom cross; broom shield. I’ll see ya tomorrow.

Dr. Braverman- Okay. Oh one other thing. You might find that without your clock you have a few mood swings. I mean you might act a little loony.

Hilda- Trust me, no one will notice the difference.

Int. The Other Realm Presbyterian Hospital. Sabrina is filling in the hospital card.

Sabrina- Does our family have any history of abnormal levitation?

Zelda- Well during the sixties... but everybody was floating higher then.

Hilda enters.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh finally.

Sabrina- What did he say?

Hilda- My biological clock is out of whack. I left it here to get adjusted.

Zelda- Will you be all right without it?

Hilda- Of course I will, I just might experience some. (Grimacing uncontrollably) irrational moments. (Her face readjusts.) But then I’ll be fine.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Hilda passes amongst her customers with a jug of coffee.

Customer- (Holding out his mug.) Excuse me, could I get a refill?

Hilda- (Looking at the contents) No. Finish what you’ve got.

Customer- It’s cold.

Hilda- (Snapping) Swallow it or be flogged!

Customer- Okay. I’m out o’ here.

Hilda- (Politely) Thanks for coming. Tell your friends.

He leaves as Josh comes over having witnessed the exchange.

Josh- Hilda, are you okay? You seem a little moodier than usual.

Hilda- (Happy) Everything’s fine but I appreciate your concern. (Paranoid) Or is it concern? Perhaps you’re hoping that I’ll croak so you can take over the coffee house? (To a customer)(Politely) Do you need a refill honey?

Josh goes over to Sabrina at the counter.

Josh- What does a nervous breakdown look like?

Sabrina- Oh aunt Hilda’s not having a nervous breakdown, she’s having... mechanical difficulties.

Josh- Yeah I’ll say! She’s got more loose screws the Home Depot.

Hilda- (Screaming Angry) IF I DON’T GET THAT CLOCK BACK TODAY, I AM GONNA OFF SOMEBODY!!

Sabrina- (To Josh) Okay, maybe she is. (To Hilda) Aunt Hilda. Hey, why don’t I go by the hospital and see if your clocks ready to be picked up?

Hilda- (Snapping) Why?! D’ya think I can’t handle it?

Sabrina- No, not at all. (Aside to Josh) Hide the sharp utensils.

She heads for the door.

Hilda- (Happy) Drive safe.

Int. The Other Realm Presbyterian Hospital. Sabrina enters and goes over to reception.

Sabrina- Hi, I’m here to pick up a package for Hilda Spellman.

Receptionist- I have a lot of packages. Do you have a claim check?

Sabrina- Hm sorry, she forgot to give me one. She’s been a major league nutso all week.

Receptionist- Hm-hm. Biological clock. Got it right here. Careful, it’s wet.

She hands over a white paper bag.

Sabrina- Thanks. I’m grateful and grossed out at the same time.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina gets back to find the trade has picked up. Josh is hard pressed at the counter.

Sabrina- Hey, where’s my aunt?

Josh- She went home two seconds before all of Boston showed up.

Sabrina- Okay, I’ve just gotta get this too her. I’ll be back in ten minutes.

Josh- Oh wait Sabrina, before you go could you take these over to table four?

Sabrina- Sure.

Josh- Thanks, you’re a lifesaver.

Ever helpful she puts down her white paper bag on the counter, takes the two cups of coffee from Josh and hurries over to table four while Josh finishes serving another customer. The customer picks up a white paper bag from the counter revealing an identical white paper bag behind it. and leaves. Sabrina returns from table four, picks up her white paper bag and heads for the door. She stops when she realises that it doesn’t feel as heavy as before and opens it. Hands up anybody who hasn’t guessed. No takers? Well of course you’re all right.

Sabrina- Dental floss? Hair brush? Jacqueline Susann novel?! Oh my gosh! Somebody took my aunt Hilda’s biological clock! This is a nightmare! This is one of the worst things that has ever, ever, ever happened!

Josh- What happened?

Sabrina- Somebody stole my aunts clock.

Josh- (Clapping his hands and calling out.) Okay people, I need your attention! We have a crisis, an emergency situation. A clock has been lost.

Everyone in the Coffee House laughs.

Sabrina- Josh, have you seen anybody with a bag that looks like this?

Josh- A half dozen people but I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s just a clock?

Sabrina- You don’t understand, that clock is a big part of my aunt Hilda’s life. In fact it’s a big part of my aunt Hilda. Gotta go!

She dashes from the Coffee House.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda is bandaging Salem’s left ear on the settee as Sabrina comes in with the white paper bag.

Zelda- Oh thank goodness you’re home.

Sabrina- (To Salem) What happened to your head?

Salem- Hilda bit me! It was my fault though, I said ‘hello’ to her when she walked in.

Zelda- Hilda’s been acting insane since they took out that clock. Please tell me that’s it?

Salem- It better be, I’ve lost enough blood.

Sabrina- Er about the clock.

Zelda- Don’t tell me you don’t have it.

Sabrina- Okay.

Hilda comes down stairs.

Hilda- Yuck! I’ve been gargling for an hour and I can still taste cat.

She sees Sabrina and starts jumping up and down with excitement.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh! My clock is home! My clock is home! Let’s have a clock party!

She points and band music strikes up and balloons fall from the ceiling as she skips around the settee taking the paper bag from Sabrina.

Hilda- (Cont.) Bag please.

She opens the bag and the music stops dead.

Hilda- (Cont.) ‘Valley of the dolls’?

Sabrina- They tell me it’s a classic, not unlike the hairbrush.

Hilda- Where’s my clock?

Sabrina- Well it’s kind of a funny story. See um someone walked off with it.

Salem- Lord have mercy!

Hilda- (Threatening) A stranger is walking round town with my biological clock?!

Sabrina- (Hiding behind Zelda) Okay, maybe it’s not so funny, but um y’know what? I’ll get you a new one, I promise.

Hilda- (Pushing Zelda aside and getting in Sabrina’s face) Where?! At the biological clock store?

Sabrina- Is there one?

Zelda- Sabrina, a witch is only issued one biological clock. If she loses it it can have serious ramifications.

Hilda- That’s right! (To Zelda) What are they?

Zelda- She has to find a man and get pregnant in the next forty-eight hours or she’ll never be able to conceive a child.

Hilda- Oh my god!!

Sabrina- I’m so sorry. Just because of me you might end up childless and miserable the rest of your life.

Hilda breaks down in tears on Zelda’s shoulder.

Zelda- (To Sabrina) Oh way to cheer her up! I suggest you find that bag.

Hilda- Forget the bag! Help me find a man! I need a bun in the oven and I need it now!

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Scene of crime tape surrounds the few feet of the counter where the bag vanished from and white tape outlines where the victim lay as Sabrina gives a statement to the cop, George, who takes notes.

Sabrina- ...And when I walked back over here, my aunts clock was gone.

George- All right, let me get this straight. I just left a triple homicide to look for some ladies clock?

Sabrina- It’s not just any clock, it’s very... unique.

George- What does it do? Sing a song? ‘Take me out to the ball game’ maybe?

Sabrina- Look, my aunts just very attached to it, okay?

George- Oh got ya. I’ll put every precinct on it, I’ll call in the national guard, we’ll call it ‘Clock Watch Two thousand one’

Sabrina- You know I get the impression you’re not taking this seriously.

George- You’re a very perceptive young lady. You also make a nice corn muffin, thanks.

He tosses the napkin he got with the muffin into the crime scene and leaves. Sabrina snatches it up and tosses it into the waste bin.

Int. Drug store. River Street. Sabrina questions the cashier.

Sabrina- ...So what I’m asking is did anyone come in and buy a hairbrush, dental floss and a Jacqueline Susann novel?

Cashier- Yes.

Sabrina- Great! Who?

Cashier- Well about a hundred people. They’re on special this week.

She points to a stand. The sign reads ‘Special combo. Hairbrush, Dental floss, Cheesy novel 4-99.’

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda sits reading ‘Valley of the dolls’

Zelda- (To herself) Oh my! The things that go on in that valley.

Hilda enters smartly dressed and posses.

Zelda- (Putting down the book) Oh Hilda, you look beautiful.

Hilda- Well if I want to meet a man, get married and have a baby in the next two days I have to look my best.

Zelda- Hilda, you’ve been trying to find a man for six hundred years. What makes you think you’re gonna find one in two days?

The door bell rings.

Hilda- I zapped an ad in the newspaper. There’s my husband to be.

She answers the door and a stream of guys enter bearing flowers, chocolates and various other romantic gifts. There are seven or eight of them varying in age from juvenile to geriatric.

Hilda- (Cont.) Come on in boys, take a number.

Zelda- Hilda! (Aside) Obviously you weren’t very specific.

Hilda- Well maybe I shouldn’t have put in marriage or best offer.

Another doorbell rings.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh! There’s the linen closet. I also put an ad in The Other Realm Register. (Calling) Coming sweethearts!

Later. Zelda leads two gentlemen to the front door while Hilda interviews another hopeful. He’s old, miserable looking, balding and has a suspect taste in suits.

Hilda- So Eugene, why are you interested in filling the position of my husband?

Eugene- I figured it was time to settle down, I was having too much fun.

Hilda- Well that’s obvious.

Eugene- I have had a rich and exciting life as a pharmacist, filling prescriptions and what-not. Time to fill the void in my life.

Hilda- (Taking notes) ‘Void’ Okay. Anything else I should know?

Eugene- I like to make people laugh.

Hilda- And how, exactly, do you do that?

Eugene- Well I give them something to smile about.

Hilda- Which would be...?

Eugene- Anything to put a grin on their face and make a happy expression.

Hilda- Such as...?

Eugene- An amusing comment, er-er t-to tickle their funny bone.

Hilda- Okay, we’re done. Thanks for coming. (To Zelda) All right, who’s next?

Zelda- That’s it.

Hilda- What are you talking about? The last time I looked there were at least twenty shmoes who could have been my soul mate.

Zelda- I sent every one of them home. What you’re doing is completely absurd.

Hilda- Sister! I have not even touched the tip of the iceberg! (To Eugene, who had been making very slow progress towards the door.) Congratulations! Despite your flare for humour, we’re engaged!

Eugene- You’re kidding!

Hilda- Only by your standards. All right, let’s talk children. We’re having them, end of discussion.

Zelda- Hilda!!

Eugene- I feel the same way! I’m tellin’ ya, we’re gonna have one lucky baby. You know why? Because that kids gonna have a daddy who wants to make ‘em laugh.

Hilda- I’d ask why I’m not laughing but I have no time. All right, I love you. Let’s get the licence and a preacher.

Zelda- Hilda!! You can’t marry this man! He’s a total stranger. For all you know he’s a... a professional gigolo!

Hilda looks at Eugene then back at her sister.

Hilda- I’ll take my chances. (To Eugene) Don’t mind her, she’s just jealous.

Eugene- Of course she jealous. D’ya know why? She doesn’t have a man to bring hilarity to her life.

Zelda- (Aside to Hilda) You must want a baby really bad.

Hilda nods her head in agreement.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina returns from her fruitless search for the missing timepiece.

Sabrina- Man, oh man! I must have gone through over a hundred receipts from that drug store trying to track down anyone who bought a hairbrush, dental floss and a cheesy novel.

Josh- Find anything?

Sabrina- Yeah, Judith Krantz ‘Hotter than ever’ Nobody puts their phone numbers down on their credit card receipts. How am I gonna find that clock?!

Josh shrugs as Zelda comes dashing in.

Zelda- Sabrina! You’ll never guess what your aunts about to do.

Josh- Five bucks says it involves a clock.

Zelda- She’s getting married right now at city hall!

Sabrina- Oh no! I’ve gotta find that clock!

Zelda- Either that or a large sack of rice.

Int. Westbridge City Hall. The judge thumbs through the bible.

Judge- Hold on, I know those vows are in here somewhere.

Hilda- Take your time, you’ve got fifty seconds.

She’s stood beside Eugene with a bouquet of flowers.

Hilda- (Cont.)(To Eugene) So how many children do you want?

Eugene- Three, one of each.

Judge- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Eugene- I told ya I like to make people laugh.

Hilda- (To Judge) Forty seconds!

Judge- (Reading) ‘Dearly beloved we are gathered here today...’

Hilda- Okay, you can skip that part. We know the back story.

Judge- Do you...

Hilda- Hilda Spellman.

Judge- Thank you. Take...

Eugene- Eugene Loffersweiler.

Hilda- Are you serious? (To Judge) Come on.

Judge- To be your lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold from this...

Hilda- (Interrupting) I do!

Zelda and Sabrina burst into the office.

Zelda- Don’t you dare!

Hilda- Hello! Trying to engage in holy matrimony here!

Zelda- Judge, you cannot marry these two people. They... They don’t even know each other.

Judge- Oh I-I’m not a judge, I’m a clerk. I’d like to be a judge though.

Sabrina- Did you hear what she just said? You’re about to marry two people who don’t even know each other.

Clerk- Is that true?

Hilda- Yes! Okay it’s true. I decided to take the plunge with a stranger whose last name I can’t even pronounce. The truth is I’m tired of waiting around for my knight in shinning armour who, apperantly, has other things to do. Well guess what? So do I, like live my life, start a family, try to create a little happiness for myself. So Eugene and I haven’t talked about where we grew up or went to college or... how difficult it is to get an actual human being on the line at Ticket Master but I know, in my heart, that Eugene is a decent person. Well... probably not perfect. He’s at least... alive and that is good enough for me!

Eugene- Wow! I never knew ya felt that way about me.

Sabrina- (Pulling Hilda aside) Aunt Hilda, I love you too much to let you rush into something. Especially something as important as marriage and having a baby. You should have all the time in the world to find the right guy, so that’s why I’m gonna give you my clock.

Zelda- Oh Sabrina!

Hilda- I can’t let you do that.

Sabrina- Please, you have to.

Hilda- Sabrina, if I take your clock then you’ll never be able to have children.

Clerk- Boy, that must be some clock!

Eugene- Oh they’re doin’ wonderful things with science today.

Hilda- Eugene, I’m sorry, but in light of what’s happened, I can’t go through with the ceremony.

Eugene- Hilda! This is so unlike you? I’m just guessing.

Hilda- You’ll be fine. You’ll make another woman laugh.

Eugene- Oh I like to make people laugh.

Hilda- Well then, for gods sake just do it!

Josh enters carrying a white paper bag.

Josh- Sabrina, guess what I found?

Sabrina- <Gasp!> The clock!

Josh- None other.

Zelda- Where on earth did it turn up?

Josh- The Coffee House. The person who accidentally took it brought it back. She must have spilt something on it ‘cause it’s a little wet. It smells like a chalupa.

Hilda- (Taking the bag) Thank you. I believe this belongs to me. (To Everyone) See you.

She leaves as Josh wipes his hands on his jacket.

Eugene- Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time I’ve been left for a small appliance.

They all laugh.

Sabrina- You really are funny.

Eugene- That wasn’t a joke.

Int. Spellman Living room. Salem is getting some close attention from a russet furred girl. She licks him tenderly behind his ears. Salem purrs with pleasure as Hilda enters.

Salem- Oh Hi Hildie, you remember Sally O’Brain?

Hilda- My friend Sally? Now has whiskers and a tail?

Sally- Salem couldn’t turn into a person so I met him half way.

Hilda- Sally, I can’t believe you would turn yourself into a cat? (To Salem) What could she possibly see in you?

Salem- I like to make people laugh.

Hilda- (Picking up Salem) I know I’m laughing.

Salem- Put me down! Sally and I have tickets to ‘Cats’!

Hilda tosses him out of the dinning room window.

Run Credits.



Pic of the Week