Lost At 'C'

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda tap-tap-taps away on her laptop at the table as Salem gives a running commentary on his new catalogue.

Salem- Ugly. Cheesy. (Turns the page) That is so last year. Stupid pet catalogue, five bucks for a sqeaker-mouse and it’s not even a good fuax-fur. These people don’t know diddly about cats.

Zelda- Do they have a section on muzzles?

Salem- No, why would a cat need a...? He-he-he-he. Aren’t you the witty one?

The phone rings. Zelda answers.

Zelda- Hello?... Oh Hilda, that is so juicy... I understand, you’re sequestered and you can’t discuss the case. Call me the minute you break.

She hangs up.

Zelda- (To Salem) First day on Other Realm jury duty and Hilda’s already on trial and it’s a biggie.

Salem- Is it that shady ring of magic-carpet cleaners?

Zelda- No, the defendant is the Other Realm’s biggest and sleaziest supplier of black-market hot-tubs.

Salem- Lou Packard!

Zelda- You know him?

Salem- We’ve broken bread. Lou taught me all about the world of commerce, how to move merchandise.

Zelda- Wait a minute. You two were actually in business together?

Salem- If Thailand could talk. I’ll tell ya somethin’ if Lou’s convicted and turned into a feline, he’ll be appalled by the outer-wear in this catalogue. I mean what cat with any self-respect would be caught dead wearing this?

Zelda glances at the picture and with a grin waves her finger at Salem. When the fizz of sparkles clear he’s wearing a bright yellow souwester.

Salem- Ha-ha! The jokes on you, I said a cat with self-respect.

Run opening credits.

Int. Adams College English class. Students queue up to receive their marked English papers from Professor Carlin. Miles, Sabrina and Roxie are at the back of the queue.

Sabrina- (Impatient) I knew we should have shoved our way up to the front.

Roxie- Why? He’s handing out English papers, not Macy Gray tickets.

Sabrina- Exactly. I kicked butt on that paper, I want to collect my ‘A’ and slide into the weekend basking in the afterglow of a job well done.

Roxie- Beats my weekend plans, helping my mother pick out her new toilet seat and recovering from the ‘F’ I’m about to get.

Sabrina- Do you really think you’ve failed?

Roxie- No, but this way if I did, I won’t be disappointed.

Miles- I’m going shopping this weekend too. The Apocalypse Fest and Parking Lot Sale. Killer deals, everything is priced to move.

They’ve reached the front of the queue.

Sabrina- Miles, you’re up. Look alive.

Miles- (To Professor Carlin) Professor Carlin, I don’t mean to lay a guilt trip on you but a bad grade could put a dark cloud over my entire apocalypse weekend.

Professor Carlin- (Handing him his paper) Bring me back a hat.

Miles- I always do sir.

Sabrina- Professor Carlin, I just want to say what a pleasure it is explore American literature with you. I mean as Mark Twain once said...

The professor holds out her paper.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...This bites the big one!

Professor Carlin- Ah yes, Becky Thatcher in Tom Sawyer. He’s a real potty-mouth.

Sabrina walks off in a sulk.

Int. College hallway. Miles and Sabrina examine their grades as Roxie joins them.

Roxie- Sabrina, are you all right?

Sabrina- No, I’m not all right, I got a ‘C’! A ‘C’!!

Dramatic, orchestral music strikes up underlining her words. She frowns and looks up. Roxie’s mouth drops open as she looks around. It’s all very strange and spooky until they notice the Music Departments door is open down the hallway.

Roxie- Big Deal! You got a ‘C’, it’s not like it’s the first one you’ve ever gotten. (On Sabrina’s look) Oh my god, it is.

Sabrina- Roxie, this papers my future. I mean getting a ‘C’ is like being told ‘Nice try, now go hose down the Slurpy machine.’

Roxie- Hey, I got a ‘C’ and I have no intention of hawking big gulps for the rest of my life.

Miles- I got a ‘D’... and a giant question mark.

Sabrina- I’m sorry guys, you know how I am about my grades.

Miles & Roxie- (Together) Psycho.

Sabrina- Hey, I worked really hard on this paper, I just don’t get what the problem is.

Roxie- The problem is Carlin. He doesn’t want to spoil his reputation as the toughest teacher at Adams.

Miles- And not to mention he’s a pawn of the establishment. No connection between Huckleberry Finn and the rise of the military industrial complex? Please!

Miles leaves.

Sabrina- Mystery solved about his grade.

Roxie puts her arm around Sabrina’s shoulder.

Roxie- You’re gonna obsess about this aren’t you?

Sabrina- No, obsessing is what Miles does. I prefer confrontation.

Roxie- You hate confrontation.

Sabrina- Good point, would you go ask Carlin why he gave me a ‘C’? (On Roxie’s look) Fine, I’ll do it... but you owe me.

They separate and Sabrina walks along the hallways looking for Professor Carlin. She finds him about to enter the men’s room and quickly uses her finger. Professor Carlin tries the door handle but the doors jammed. Sabrina walks up to him.

Sabrina- Professor Carlin.

Professor Carlin- Oh Hello Sabrina.

Sabrina- Er, I don’t mean to be disrespectful or anything but I just wanted to talk to you about the grade you gave me on the Huck Finn paper. I think it is completely bogus and totally ridiculous.

Professor Carlin- I like students who aren’t afraid to express their opinion. Keep up the good work.

He tries the door again with a touch of desperation. Still no luck.

Sabrina- Professor Carlin, this is a well constructed essay, my footnotes were awesome, I triple checked for typo’s, I even included that bonus paragraph ‘Factoids of the mighty Mississippi’

Professor Carlin- Look Sabrina, the mechanics of your paper were good but your thesis lacked depth, originality and-and punch.

Unlike his attempts to gain access to the men’s room which has plenty of punch and a good amount of kicking.

Sabrina- It was ousing with punch!

Professor Carlin- If you want to argue that Huckleberry Finn is about hypocrisy in society, I’m all for that but-but you need specifics to back it up. Um, how did Huck’s upbringing impact his relationship with Jim as they rode down the river? Oh why did I have to say ‘river’?

He throws his full weight against the door while Sabrina mules over his words

Sabrina- Still, I don’t think I deserved a ‘C’

Professor Carlin- (Attempting valiantly to hold his bladder) Well just er work harder on your next assignments and eventually you’ll get that ‘P’... I mean ‘B’ (Giving up on the door) I’m gonna try the third floor.

He leaves in a hurry.

Sabrina- (Calling after) ‘B’? I want an ‘A’!

The banging on the men’s room door continues and Sabrina realises that it’s coming from inside.

Sabrina- Oops.

She points as she walks away. The door opens and a stream of students flow out into the hallway.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda comes down stairs with the phone to her ear.

Zelda- Hilda, Lou Packard has swindled hundreds of gullible women out of their life savings... Well yes, I’m sure he has a very nice smile... No, I will not go to your bank and make a withdrawal. Call me later.

She hangs up and walks into the dining room.

Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda walks in.

Zelda- I can’t believe it, Hilda is developing a crush on Lou Packard...

She stops in her tracks when she sees Salem sat in the dining table surrounded by merchandise.

Zelda- (Cont.) What on earth? What is all of this? Salem, what’d you do, rob a Petco?

Salem- Petco? Please, these are all custom designed Salem Saberhagen originals.

Zelda picks up a bottle.

Zelda- (Reading the label) ‘Anti-tick shampoo with hohoba’?

Salem- Zellie, witness the rebirth of animal retail. My new business!

He pulls a string dragging the cover of the sign beside him

Salem- (Cont.) Cat-Opia!

Zelda- (Reading the sign) ‘Furniture - Apparel - Cuisine. Pour le chat a la mode’ For the cat with ice-cream on top?

Salem- The cows in accounting came up with that.

Zelda- Salem, you can’t open a store. You’re no good with the general public and you have no thumbs.

Salem- Not a factor baby-doll, this is strictly an Internet operation catering to the millions of felines with discretionary income.

Zelda- I hate to burst your bubble, but not many cats know how to work a computer.

Salem- Ple-e-e-e-ease! Show me a cat that can’t work a mouse. Mah-ha-ha-ha.

Int. Adams College English class. One week later. Students queue up to receive their marked English papers from Professor Carlin. Sabrina, Miles and Roxie are at the back of the queue.

Miles- I’ve got a much better vibe about this paper, I’m feeling very confident.

Roxie- Then why did you chew off nine of your fingernails?

Miles- I need the fibre.

Sabrina- We’ve got nothing to be nervous about. I told you guys what Professor Carlin said about supporting our arguments, we all worked very hard on our papers and I’m sure it’ll be reflected in our grades.

Professor Carlin hands her the marked paper.

Sabrina- (Cont.) But don’t go by me.

Int. College hallway. They come out of the classroom with their papers.

Sabrina- I can’t believe this, we did everything he wanted and we all got ‘C’s!

Miles- This is awesome! I shot up to average, in a month I could be working the curve.

He leaves.

Sabrina- This is insane! I mean, I supported my thesis twenty-five different ways. This paper is filthy with sub-text!

Roxie- Spellman, when are you gonna realise? It doesn’t matter how hard you work for Carlin, a ‘C’ is the best grade anyone ever gets in his class.

Ext. College Campus. Zelda walks with her mobile phone at her ear.

Zelda- Hilda, I don’t care how dreamy Lou’s eyes are, love notes do not usually contain the words ‘Or else’

She spots Sabrina coming from one of the halls.

Zelda- (Down phone) Oh honey, I’ve got to go. (To Sabrina) Hi Sabrina, how’d ya do on your English paper?

Sabrina- I got a freakin’ ‘C’ okay!

Zelda- You’re kidding? Oh I thought it was a wonderful paper, I loved the way you identified Hawthorn’s symbolic use of colour, Dinsdale’s white, lofty brow, Chillingworth’s black heart and Hestorprin’s scarlet leather.

Sabrina- All it got was Sabrina’s big, fat ‘C’! Maybe I’m just not cut out for college, maybe I should drop out, join a road crew and pick up trash along the highway? I could meet interesting felons, work outdoors, plus I’m one of the few people who looks really good in orange.

Zelda- (Laughing) Honey, you’re not picking up trash, you’re going to stay in school and finish your education.

Sabrina- You know I used to love English, it was always my favourite language but now I don’t care if I never read another novel as long as I live.

Zelda- Oh honey, you know I know plenty of tough graders but turning students off to learning really cracks my corn. I’m going to give professor Carlin a piece of my mind.

Sabrina- No, please don’t! Look, I don’t want Carlin singling me out because I went and cried to my auntie.

Zelda- I’m not going in as your aunt, I’m going in as an educator, I’ll be professional and discreet. You know how good I am with people.

A man passes by. Zelda catches his attention.

Zelda- Oh Professor, so sorry to hear your wife left you.

She leaves. The professor turns and watches her go.

Professor- She did?

Int. Adams College English class. Zelda lets herself in and sees a man cleaning the chalkboard.

Zelda- Excuse me, are you Professor Carlin?

Professor Carlin- Yes I am.

He turns from his work and they both like what they see.

Professor Carlin- Er I’m afraid I’ve already hired my graduate TA.

Zelda- Oh, you thought I was a gradua... Ho-ho. Aren’t you sweet.

Professor Carlin- Depends on who’s asking, and you would be.

Zelda- Single... I mean Zelda... I mean Professor Zelda Spellman.

Professor Carlin- Hi Zelda. (Shaking her hand) I’m Arthur. Er, it’s a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance, I’ve been hearing wonderful things about you.

Zelda- Really?

Professor Carlin- They say the quality of the science departments gone up twelve notches since you came aboard.

Zelda- Oh well, I do have a passion for physics. I try to use it to inspire my students.

Professor Carlin- That’s very admirable.

Zelda- Thank you.

Professor Carlin- You’re welcome.

They stand smiling at each other spellbound until Professor Carlin manages to pull himself away.

Professor Carlin- So, Um not that you needed a reason, but er what brings you here?

Zelda- Oh yes, Er my niece, Sabrina. Oh! I wasn’t supposed to say that. Oh look, just between us, she’s feeling very frustrated about her Hawthorn paper, which I read and thought was quite good.

Professor Carlin- It was good... but not great. A great paper would have explored Hawthorn’s frequent use of mirrors to reveal the characters inner thoughts and er well the emotional tension between them.

The emotional tension in the room has gone up a tad as Professor Carlin leans closer to Zelda who can’t help but gaze into his dark, smouldering eyes.

Professor Carlin- (Cont.) I’m surprised that wasn’t obvious to you.

Zelda- Well I just skimmed it really, but the issue is bigger than this one paper. I’m afraid that by being so tough on your students you’re destroying their morale.

Professor Carlin- Zelda, I know I’m not the worlds easiest teacher but I feel my role is to raise the bar and show these kids that they’re capable of doing better. That’s what’s going to prepare them for the demands of the real world.

Zelda- It’s true, it’s very competitive out there. Oh things were so much simpler when I went to school. We went to class during the day, studied at night and fought the Ottoman Empire on the weekends. (On his look) Rival football team.

Professor Carlin- Football fan are we?

Zelda- Well I certainly could be.

They stand smiling and nodding at each other.

Int. College hallway. Zelda comes out of the classroom and nearly walks into the pacing Sabrina.

Sabrina- So, did you talk to Carlin?

Zelda- Oh! Um we chatted some.

Sabrina- Well, what did he say?

Zelda- Oh, this and that.

Sabrina- What this? What that?

Zelda- Well he said that if you work harder you’ll get a better grade... and something about mirrors that I didn’t quite understand.

Sabrina- That’s all you got out of him, that I have to work harder?

Zelda- That’s the gist of it. Gotta go.

Sabrina- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I have a feeling there’s something you’re not telling me?

Zelda- Oh all right, Professor Carlin and I have a date tonight.

Sabrina- A date?! You went in there to bolster student morale and you came out dating the enemy?

Zelda- Sweetheart! He’s not Saddam Hussein, he’s a man of strong convictions trying to get the best out of his students. I’m convinced that if you really apply yourself your hard work will pay off.

Zelda leaves.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Yeah-yeah-yeah, thanks for nothing aunt Sell-out!

Int. College hallway. A week later. Sabrina, Roxie and Miles have received their English papers and have just come out of the classroom.

Sabrina- This is incredible! I can’t believe I got an ‘A’ on the Hemingway paper.

Miles- That’s the first ‘A’ Professor Carlin has given out this decade.

Sabrina- Y’know, I didn’t believe it but I guess it’s true. If you really apply yourself, your hard work will be rewarded.

Roxie sees, down the hallway, Zelda and Professor Carlin standing together and overhears.

Zelda- So what time are you picking me up for our date tonight?

Professor Carlin- The sooner the better.

Zelda laughs like a smitten schoolgirl.

Roxie- Looks like you’re not the only one applying herself

Sabrina- What does that mean?

Sabrina turns to look where Roxie’s looking and spots her aunt and the professor flirting.

Roxie- Your aunts doing all the work and you’re the one getting rewarded.

She leaves patting Sabrina on the shoulder.

Miles- Congratulations on your ‘A’

He follows Roxie as Sabrina looks from her paper to her aunt and wonders.

Int. College house. Sabrina sits on the settee reading. Miles sits at the other end of the settee watching Sabrina reading with his arms crossed. Sabrina has lifted her book so that she doesn’t have to watch Miles watching her reading but she can still feel his eyes. Roxie is in the kitchen watching Sabrina not watching Miles watching her reading and making herself some coffee. Nobody is watching Roxie.

Sabrina- Stop staring at me!

Miles- I can’t help it, I never thought that you would be the one to rip apart the moral fabric of academia.

Sabrina- What can I say, I’m good with my hands. For the hundredth time, my ‘A’ had nothing to do with my aunt dating Professor Carlin!

Roxie- Miles, would you just lay-off of her. We should admire Sabrina.

Sabrina- Thank you Roxie.

Roxie- She was just using her wits and her aunts body to get the grade she couldn’t earn on her own.

Sabrina- I did earn it! That ‘A’ was a huge accomplishment for me!

Miles- Of course! Another milestone in your insatiable quest to climb the ladder of corruption and evil!

He stomps off to the kitchen and Roxie takes his place on the settee.

Roxie- Hey I’m on your side. Remember me when you reach the top.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s room. Sabrina is lay on her bed re-reading her paper.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘...through his juxtaposition of the ravages of war to the beauty of the landscape, Hemingway reveals his personal code on a world fraught with cruelty and suffering.’ This is a darned good paper. I earned that ‘A’!... Or maybe this is an average paper and I earned the eternal contempt of my friends and class-mates. I need another opinion, but where am I gonna find someone who’s impartial and objective with a strong ethical sense?

Salem- Greetings little lady.

She turns to see a door to door salescat in a dodgy suit, bow tie and bowler-hat sitting on her bedroom windowsill with a case full of samples.

Salem- (Cont.) May I please speak to the feline of the house?

Sabrina- What are you doing?

Salem- Branching out from the Internet to direct sales, I need your opinion on my new products.

He opens his case and Sabrina takes out a bottle of tablets.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Saberhagen’s miracle worm elixir. Eliminates worms, blemishes and limp-whisker syndrome.’ What’s in this?

Salem- Ha-ha! Like I’d tell you. Patent pending.

Sabrina- Salem, I don’t have time for your snake-oil hucksterism, I’ve got to figure out if I earned that ‘A’ or Professor Carlin just gave it to me because he’s dating aunt Zelda.

Salem- Dating? For the past week he’s been chasing her around the house like an animal in heat. Speaking of which, can I interest you in a home spaying kit?

Sabrina- An animal in heat?

Salem- Twelve ninety-nine and you get a full refund should you inadvertently have kittens.

Int. College hallway. Professor Carlin is in a hurry and checks his watch. Sabrina lies in wait and points just as he’s about to enter his classroom. The door mysteriously shuts and jams as she comes up behind him.

Sabrina- Professor Carlin, do you have a minute?

Professor Carlin- Ah maybe later Sabrina, I have a class... (Rattles the door) ...if I can just get this door open.

Sabrina- I’ll be quick, I just wanted to talk to you about this thing between you and my aunt.

Professor Carlin- (Forgetting the door) Ah yes, the exquisite Zelda. (Gazing off dreamily) Hey, you never told me your aunt was a vision of loveliness, not unlike the young Lady Chatterley.

Sabrina- Funny, I don’t know how that didn’t come up in class. Listen, can I ask you about my grade?

Professor Carlin- (Snapping back to the present) You must be quit pleased about finally getting that ‘A’?

Sabrina- I’m outraged! I mean it’s one thing to work hard for an ‘A’ but it’s another one to be handed one you may not deserve because your aunt is dating your English professor.

Professor Carlin- I don’t like what you’re implying Sabrina.

Sabrina- Okay, maybe you didn’t do it on purpose but if you were easier on me than everyone else, that’s just not right.

Professor Carlin- I-I don’t understand it, first you complain that my grades are too hard, now they’re too soft?

Sabrina- I just want what’s fair. I would really like it if you would re-read my essay and give me the grade I deserve?

Professor Carlin- (Taking Sabrina’s paper) Right, fine, if it’ll make you happy, I’ll take it home and have a look at it tonight.

He starts wrestling with the door again.

Professor Carlin- (Cont.) What is with the doors in this building?

Sabrina raises her finger and the professor goes tumbling ass over elbow into the classroom.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Thank you!

With a mischievous smile she walks off.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda enters dressed for a date in a little black number with the seemingly ever-present phone at her ear.

Zelda- (Down phone) No Hilda, even if he is proven innocent, I have no intention of double dating in a hot-tub with you, Lou and his brother Stu!

There is a loud beeping sound coming from the dinning room.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh what now!

What now is a JCB yellow fork truck with a pallet of ‘Cat-Opia’ boxes entering the living room driven by a black furry critter in a yellow hard-hat.

Salem- Hey foxy mama, what ya doin’ later? I knock off at five.

Zelda- I’m gonna knock you off right now! (Down phone) Hilda, I’ve gotta go!

She hangs up the phone a dashes over to where Salem is stacking the pallet beside the other pallets by the piano.

Zelda- (Cont.) Salem! Arthur’s going to be here any minute, I can’t have you driving around the living room on a fork lift!

Salem- Sorry, but one of my boys called in sick.

Zelda- Oh!!

Salem- Oh! Oh feast your eyes on this baby.

He jumps down from his stacker truck and bounds over to a plushly upholstered miniature easy-chair

Zelda- I know I’m going to be sorry I asked this, but what is that?

Salem- Meet ‘The Relax-O-Cat’ The one stop feline pleasure center. Let me demonstrate.

He presses a button on the arm and the chair starts to hum and vibrate.

Salem- (Cont.)(Purring with pleasure) Oooh! Go work it baby.

Zelda- Disgusting!

The front doorbell rings.

Zelda- (Cont.) Arthur’s here! Floor shows over.

Salem- In a minute, this is the best part.

Zelda- No, this is the best part.

She points and ‘The Relax-O-Matic’ becomes ‘The Launch-O-Matic’ as the seat fires Salem across the room and through the dining room doors like James Bond’s ejector seat. He bounces of the wall, ricochets across the table, flies through the kitchen door, careers off the refrigerator and skids to a halt on the counter beside a Jar.

Salem- Hmm, peanut butter? Interesting.

Back in the living room the doorbell rings again and Zelda straightens her dress before answering.

Zelda- Hi.

Professor Carlin- Hello. You look absolutely ravishing.

Zelda- Thank you. (Fanning herself with her hand) I’ve always depended on the compliments of strangers.

Professor Carlin- I believe the correct Tennessee Williams quote is ‘The kindness of strangers’

Zelda- I was making a joke. Well I’ll get my bag and we’ll be on our way.

She goes in search of her bag and the professor follows her into the living room.

Professor Carlin- Hey Zelda, what is all this junk?

Zelda- Oh just a few odds and ends. Shouldn’t we be going?

Professor Carlin- (Reading) ‘The Ultimate Kitty Colon Cleanser’

Zelda- Um I’m thinking of starting a little business on the side.

She pushes the miniature fork lift aside.

Zelda- (Cont.) I like to dabble in different, fun things.

Professor Carlin- The Cat Colon Cleansing Company?

Zelda- You have to admit, you don’t see anyone else doing it.

Professor Carlin- (Looking around the merchandise) Kitty Culottes? Feline Footwear? Zelda, you shouldn’t be wasting your time with this nonsense.

Zelda- (Irritated) It’s my time! I can do what I want with it. Why are you always telling me what should and shouldn’t do?

Professor Carlin- It’s just... I hate dabblers.

Zelda- Huh! (Counting off on her fingers) You also hate wines that aren’t from France, restaurants without matre’d’s, movies without sub-titles...

Professor Carlin- Oh that’s not true! I enjoyed ‘Bonfire of the vanities’... Of course that was after a bottle of excellent French burgundy.

Zelda- As usual, you’re missing the entire point. You criticise everything!

Professor Carlin- Zelda, all I was trying to say was, it’s the dabbler’s and dilettante’s of the world who lower the bar and undermine the work of serious thinkers.

Zelda- (Getting angry) And it’s the narrow minded, judgmental blowhard’s of the world who stifle creativity!

Professor Carlin- I hate those people too.

Zelda- I was talking about you!

Professor Carlin- Is that another one of your little jokes?

Zelda- Do you see me laughing?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters through the back door.

Sabrina- Hey Salem, you left your sample case at my house and there’s an awful odour coming from it.

Salem- Yeah, that worm elixir only has a shelf life of one hour, but I’ve got a new idea that’ll go through the roof! Fleanut Butter!

Sabrina- Actually that doesn’t sound too bad... but I just might be giddy because of my moral victory with professor Carlin. I might be getting a lower grade. Whoo-hoo!

Zelda- (OS) Pompous jerk!

Professor Carlin- (OS) You frivolous little dilettante!

Salem- You should really be happy now, it sounds like Zelda’s gonna score you an ‘F’ Whoo-hoo!

Sabrina- Oh-no!

Int. Spellman living room.

Zelda- I have had it with your knit-picking perfectionism! Always demanding that I do better! Hello! Physically impossible!

Professor Carlin- I was trying to inspire you but obviously you’re a hopeless case!

Zelda- (Taking a step closer)You infuriate me!

Professor Carlin- (Taking a step closer) Well you disgust me!

Zelda- (Taking a step closer) You repulse me!

Professor Carlin- (Face to face) Are we gonna kiss now?

Zelda- No!

Professor Carlin- Just checking!

Sabrina enters all smiles with a tray.

Sabrina- Hi guys, want some dried fruit?

Professor Carlin- No!... thank you, I was just leaving.

Sabrina- Oh come on, the figs are really yummy.

Professor Carlin- Yummy? You call yourself a college student? You sound like a five year old.

Zelda- (Furious) How dare you insult my niece?!

Sabrina- No-no-no! He was right to insult me. I'd like to substitute ‘Yummy’ with ‘Gastronomically pleasing’

Zelda- Don’t pander to him! If you want to say ‘Yummy’ you say ‘Yummy’ If you want to call him ‘A big dummy’ you go right ahead.

Sabrina- But I don’t want to.

Zelda- Well I do. (To Professor Carlin) Dummy! Dummy! Dummy! Dummy! Dummy!! Nannynannynannynannygo!

Professor Carlin- And on that mature note, I bid you adieu!

He heads for the door. Sabrina chases after him.

Sabrina- Wait! Wa-a-a-ait!

But he’s already out the door and down the path when she reaches the door.

Sabrina- (Calling after) She doesn’t know what she’s saying! She’s not my real aunt! (To herself) I am so getting an ‘F’

Int. Adams College hallway. Roxie catches up with Sabrina who is carrying a large basket of groceries and delicacies.

Roxie- So we’re into bribes now, that is so ‘Godfather’ I like it.

Sabrina- It might be my last chance to salvage a descent grade.

Roxie- You really think pork pate and a heart salami is gonna help you? (Pointing) And what’s that stuff?

Sabrina- Fleanut butter. (On Roxie’s look) I’m desperate!

Int. English class. Professor Carlin sits at a desk in the deserted classroom looking dejected. Sabrina taps on the open door and enters.

Sabrina- Good morning Professor Carlin.

Professor Carlin- Hello Sabrina.

Sabrina- I just wanted to bring you some things to apologise for the whole ‘dilettante aunt’ debacle.

Professor Carlin- Debacle? It’s a good word, definitely a step up from ‘Yummy’

Sabrina- You know, who was I to argue with your whole grading method? Some naive college student, that’s who. So I say let bygones be bygones, y’know, we go back to the original grades, start afresh. Paté?

Professor Carlin- No thanks. So Sabrina, I re-read your paper and er you were right, the grade I gave you wasn’t fair, so I’ve changed it.

Sabrina- (fearing the worst) Why’d I open my big mouth?

He hands her the paper.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ‘A’ plus? Are you drunk?

Professor Carlin- When I went through it again I discovered nuances I’d missed in the first read. You did a truly superior job, you deserved a better grade.

Sabrina- Even though my aunt called you pompous?

Professor Carlin- Well... I can be a bit pompous sometimes so I’m afraid I owe Zelda an apology.

Sabrina- You know Professor Carlin, I just want to point out that you have a lot of bright, motivated students and I think it’s great that you want to raise the bar but... sometimes you have to meet us half way.

Professor Carlin- Point taken. Spellman, you’ve got a lot of gumption.

Sabrina- Gumption? Is that the best word you can come up with?

Professor Carlin- Yes it was.

Sabrina- And I’m fine with that, great word.

She leaves.

Ext. The Other Realm. Lou Packard’s back yard. The hot tub. Lou sits in the steaming water pulling on a Cuban with his old buddy.

Salem- (Round the cigar) Great to see ya again Lou, the years have been good to ya.

Lou Packard- You too. Hm, we’ve got some memories don’t we Saberhagen?

Salem- We’ll always have Bangkok.

Lou Packard- Ya know, I thought I was a gonna this time. Thank God for that ditzie blonde who kept winking at me from the jury box.

Salem- That’s my Hildie. So let’s get down to business, are you ready to buy me out and make a fortune cleaning cat colons?

Lou Packard- I’ve done worse.

Salem- Yeah! To me!

When they stop laughing.

Lou Packard- Schnapps?

Salem- Please.

He pours them both a drink.

Lou Packard- To us.

They clink glasses and Lou hits the Jacuzzi button

Salem- Oh-ho-ho-ho! I got the good jet!