Some Of My Best Friends Are Half-Mortal

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Hilda’s about to close up for the night. She sees the last of her customers to the door and wishes them a happy farewell.

Hilda- Okay, thanks for coming... and thanks even more for going.

The customers leave and Hilda removes her apron.

Hilda- (Cont.) Finally, the riffraff has left the building.

while Sabrina assists the last person remaining, a handsome young student, with his studies at one of the tables.

Sabrina- And the moon Io is comprised mainly of ice crystals and sulphur dioxide.

Jess- Wow, I’ve never met anyone who knows so much about Jupiter. It’s like you’ve been there.

Sabrina- Three Summers in a row.

The lights flicker and Sabrina looks round to see Hilda toggling the light switch. Hint-hint.

Hilda- Yoo-hoo, the sign says ‘Coffee House’ not ‘Boarding House’ (To Jess) Let’s pack it up big guy.

Sabrina- Excuse my aunt, she didn’t get the subtlety chromosome.

Jess- That’s okay, I’ve gotta get going anyway but er how about we finish up this tutoring session over pasta Saturday night?

Sabrina- Oh I’d love to. I could explain the difference between Apogee and linguini.

Jess- Something tells me one of those isn’t a noodle.

Hilda- (Impatient) Okay junior bus to move. Sabrina, grab a mop and start cleaning up. I’m trying to make a midnight movie.

Jess grabs his coat and books and heads for the door.

Jess- (To Sabrina) See ya Saturday.

Sabrina- Named after Saturn.

He leaves and Sabrina grabs a mop to start cleaning the whole days mess that the coffee house has accrued.

Sabrina- A quick question. Are you deliberately trying to ruin my dating life?

Hilda- First of all, he asked you out, and secondly, I don’t have to try to ruin dates, I have a natural gift for it.

Sabrina- Oh well we’re all special in our own way.

Hilda- Okay, I have ten minutes to get to Rocky Horror and I still have to change into my costume.

Sabrina- Oh! Wait, I love Rocky Horror. Can I come with you?

Hilda- Aah, if you can clean this whole place in thirty seconds.

Sabrina- Way more time than I need.

She let’s her finger do the working and in a swirl of eager sparkles the place is spik, span and spotless in a little under two seconds. Just as Jess walks back through the door.

Jess- Sabrina, I forgot to get your number and I wanted...

He takes in Sabrina with her mop and the impeccable state of the coffee house in comparison to how he left it moments ago.

Jess- (Cont.) Whoa! What happened? Two seconds ago this place was a mess.

Sabrina- Oh... Well... I am a whiz with a mop.

Jess- Yeah. Ah, I was a little nervous asking you out in the first place because you’re so much smarter than me. I got a hunch you’re better at everything. Let’s just forget about Saturday.

He leaves Sabrina pouting with frustration and upset.

Hilda- Talk about low self-esteem. Who does he remind me of?... Oh yeah, me.

Sabrina- He was cute too. Why did I have to do magic and scare him off? I guess I inherited that date-killer gene too.

Hilda- On the up side, it’s the same gene that lets us do this.

She waves her finger in the air and when her trademark billow of smoke clears Sabrina's bedecked in long red curls, Dark eye and lip make-up and a sexy maids costume. Magenta’s ready to rock. Hilda wears a butlers outfit that Jeeves would not have approved of. The black satin bustier shows way too much cleavage.

Sabrina- Freaky!

They ‘Time warp’ out of there and head to the cinema. Riffraff has left the building.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem lies on the table reading the paper as Zelda gets a nice cold orange drink from the fridge. She walks over to the table taking a sip and clutches her jaw with a gasp of pain.

Zelda- Oo! My tooth!

Salem- Silence wench! I’m trying to read Liz Smith. Apparently the material girl really digs that cabala.

Zelda- I appreciate your concern.

Salem- Well I’d give you the name of my dentist but you’d have to get neutered at the same time.

Zelda- Thanks but I have an appointment with Doctor Axelrod in the Other Realm.

Salem- Could you pick me up some whitening solution for my incisors?

Zelda- I’ve a better idea. Why don’t you cut back on the double espresso’s?

Salem- Please! I quit smoking, this is all I’ve got left.

Hilda enters looking a little worse for wear.

Zelda- Good morning. How was ‘Rocky Horror’?

Hilda- I got rice in my hair and toast in my bustier. Huge success... but I don’t think Sabrina enjoyed herself.

Salem- Didn’t get any food in her nightie?

Hilda- She was obsessing over this mortal guy. You know the story, boy meets girl; girl uses magic; boy dumps girl; girl goes to ‘Rocky Horror’ with aunt; aunt sits on melted raisinets; aunt changes seats; aunt sits on guy in garter belt...

Zelda- (Interrupting) Hello! Back to Sabrina? I just wish she could find a nice witch to go out with, it’s so tricky dating mortals.

Hilda- Mortals? It’s tricky dating anything with a pulse. Plants I’m good with.

Int. Dr. Hiram Axelrod’s office at the Other Realm Dentistry (A professional corporation) Zelda sits in the dentists chair with her mouth wide open as Dr. Axelrod works deep within and, in that annoying habit of dentists everywhere, insists on carrying on a conversation with his patient.

Dr. Axelrod- So, how are things in the mortal realm?

Zelda- Aaaah ahh aaahh.

Dr. Axelrod- You now my son Derek goes to school in the mortal realm huh? Boston College. He’s on a hockey scholarship.

Zelda- Aaahhhh!

Dr. Axelrod- Why he had to go to school in the mortal realm is beyond me. He could have gone to school here, found himself a nice witch and settled down.

Zelda- Aaaaaahhhh?!

The doctor reaches over and grabs a photo from the work bench and shows it to Zelda.

Dr. Axelrod- Good lookin’ kid huh?

Zelda- (Nodding yes) Ahh.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina’s called in to stock up on essential supplies. Hilda watches as she ransacks and strips the refrigerator.

Sabrina- I really appreciate you guys letting me come home and take a few left-overs.

Hilda- You left the baking soda, was that intentional?

Apperantly not because Sabrina takes the baking soda and adds to her bulging bag of groceries as Zelda arrives home.

Zelda- I’m back! Salem, here’s your whitening solution. Oh and the dentist wanted to throw in some mouthwash.

Salem- How Helpful for my Hhhalitosis.

He breathes out with every emphasised ‘H’ causing Zelda to back away quickly.

Zelda- Oh Sabrina, I see you’re doing your weekly shopping.

Sabrina- (Sitting at the table) Yeah. Now all I need is a cute guy to help me carry this to the car.

Zelda- Well you’re in luck. Doctor Axelrod happened to mention that he has a terrific, good looking, son who’s going to school right here in Boston.

Sabrina- Not interested.

Zelda- He’s smart, athletic and, best of all, he’s a witch.

Sabrina- Still not interested.

Hilda- Sabrina, if you date a witch you’ll have a lot in common. I’m guessing there’ll be magic between you two.

Sabrina- Look, it’s not the ‘witch’ part, it’s the ‘fix-up’ part that scares me.

Salem- Let’s Hope He’s not a Homely, Horrendous Hhhooligan!

All three witch shy away holding their noses. Sabrina grabs the bottle of mouthwash

Sabrina- Oh! Hold him down, I’m going in.

They pounce on Salem.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina and Hilda are on shift and cleaning up as Josh enters.

Josh- Hey, sorry I’m late. Morgan and I spent the afternoon ice skating. It was a blast.

Hilda- So let’s recap. You left early last night for a date, you’re coming in late from a date. What’s next? Would you like me to pay you to go out on a date?

Josh- Oh man, that would be fantastic.

Hilda- Work!

She shoves a table duster in his hand and pushes him towards waiting, dirty tables as a customer comes in and walks over to Sabrina at the counter.

Derek- Er excuse me, I’m looking for Sabrina Spellman?

She eyes him up and down. Young, well dressed, handsome.

Sabrina- Are you a cop? Sorry, I’m Sabrina.

Derek- I’m Derek Axelrod. My fathers the one keeping your aunt Zelda up at night.

Sabrina- Excuse me?!

Derek- He’s doing her root canal.

Sabrina- Oh, so you’re the smart, handsome, athletic dentists son.

Derek- And you’re the professors niece who’s perfect for me.

Sabrina- (Embarrassed) Oh I’m sorry, my aunt can be so pushy.

Derek- Actually my dads the one who pushed but for once I’m glad he did. I have a hard time meeting cool witches.

Sabrina- Yeah well there are no clubs on campus. Talk about your unrepresented minorities.

On the other side of the coffee house Josh gets Hilda’s attention.

Josh- Hey, who’s that guy talking to Sabrina?

Hilda- More importantly, does he have an older brother? Or a twin?

They’re about to find out as Sabrina leads her new friend over to them.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, this is Derek... Axelrod.

Hilda- Oh the dentists son. Isn’t it sweet how Zelda’s rotten molars brought you two together?

Josh- Together?

Sabrina- Oh and this is Josh.

Josh- So Derek, er you go to school around here?

Derek- Yeah, I’m on a hockey scholarship at BC.

Sabrina- Wow! You must be really good.

Josh- Now I’ve heard er that a lot of hockey players wind up losing all their teeth and then they have to hire someone to chew their food.

Hilda- (To Josh) I have an idea, why don’t you and I go for a walk and you can remind me why I hired you?

Hilda grabs Josh by the arm and drags him away from the young newly mets.

Sabrina- So Derek, can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea?

Derek- How about a date?

Sabrina- Well it’s not on the menu but lucky for you it’s on special today.

Int. College House. Sabrina’s fitting her ear-rings ready for her date when the doorbell rings.

Sabrina- That must be Derek. Do you like my pearl ear-rings?

She shows them off to Salem.

Salem- Very much so, do you like my pearly whites?

He smiles his catty smile and Sabrina is blinded by the brilliant phosphor white light that emanates from Salem’s mouth. She squints and covers her assaulted eyes.

Sabrina- Ah! If I ever get my sight back I’ll let you know.

The doorbell rings again. Sabrina answers it. It is Derek with a bunch of flowers and another gift for her.

Sabrina- Hi.

Derek- Hi.

Sabrina- Ah flowers and... (Reading the packet) Sample floss?

Derek- My dad wanted you to have it.

Sabrina- Oh well nothing says romance like unwaxed. I’ll just put these in some water.

The flowers; not the dental floss.

Salem- Young man! If I might have a word with you.

Derek walks over to Salem. He’s not at all phased by a talking cat. Being a witch he’s known plenty.

Salem- (Cont.) Now I’m not her father and I don’t care how late you keep her out... However table scraps would be appreciated.

Sabrina- Oh just ignore Salem, everyone else does.

Derek- Salem Saberhagen?

Salem- The one and only.

Derek- Oh man, it’s great to meet you. You’re a legend in the Other Realm.

Salem- Really? I thought your generation had forgotten me.

Sabrina- Lord knows we try.

Salem- <Hisss!>

Derek- Hey, the world would be a much greater place if Salem Saberhagen was in the emperors seat.

Salem- Tell a friend.

Sabrina- Derek, are you ready to go?

Derek- Yeah in a second. (To Salem) My dad always said that you had a bum-rap and he’s on the Witches Council.

Salem- The Witches Council? Hey, how about you dump the broad and we throw back a couple of brewski’s huh? I’m buying.

He gives Derek his winning smile and blinds the pair of them. They shield their eyes.

Sabrina- Oh! If you wanna keep the beautiful smile I suggest you take your lips off my dates butt. (To Derek) Let’s go.

Int. The ‘Rissoni’ Restaurant. Sabrina and Derek enjoy their meal and indulge in a conversation that neither of them could ever have with a mortal.

Sabrina- There was a time my aunts were making a potion and the mortal I was dating thought it was soup and tried some. We had a hard time convincing him that everyone’s tongue occasionally grows hair.

Derek- (Laughing) Been there. One time, on a date with a mortal, I let it slip that my dead ancestors were coming in for my family reunion. Suddenly the date was as dead as my uncle Murray.

Sabrina- Y’know it’s so nice not having to watch what I say. If I had this conversation with a mortal, he’d totally freak out. Not that I have anything against mortals, I mean my mothers a mortal.

Derek- (Surprised) Oh! You’re half-mortal?

Sabrina- Yeah, is something wrong?

Derek- (Taking a sip of wine) No! I’m just a little surprised. You seem like such a total witch.

Sabrina- (Pleased) That’s so sweet.

Int. Spellman living room. Three witches work magic at the table. They take tiny pieces of coloured cardboard and put them together to make a picture.

Sabrina- Everything has been going so great with Derek. Last week we went hiking on the moon, yesterday we went to the best sea-food place in Atlantis. Oh, and look what he gave me.

She digs into her bag, pulls out a three inch wide black disc and hands it to Hilda.

Hilda- That’s a mighty big scallop.

Sabrina- No, it’s a hockey puck. Derek scored the winning goal with this.

Zelda- You know in my day a gentleman showed his affection by bringing you a vial of frankincense... and I guess the times they are a changin’

Hilda- It sounds like things are going pretty well between you and Derek?

Sabrina- Yeah, he’s taking me home tonight to meet his parents for dinner.

Zelda- Oooh.

Sabrina- (Getting up ready to leave) Thanks for introducing us.

Zelda & Hilda- (Together) You’re welcome.

Sabrina leaves and Hilda turns her attention back to the jigsaw puzzle.

Zelda- Exactly what did you have to do with them getting together?

Hilda- They met at my coffee house.

Zelda- After I set them up at my dentists office.

Hilda- And why were you at the dentists?

Zelda- Because I cracked my tooth on one of your stale biscuits.

Hilda- I rest my case.

Ext. The Axelrod’s front porch. The Other Realm. Sabrina and Derek arrive.

Derek- Here it is.

Sabrina- I don’t know why but I’m a little nervous. What if your parents don’t like me?

Derek- Of course they’re gonna like you, what’s not to like?

He leans forward and kisses her.

Sabrina- (Smiling happily) Gotta like that.

Derek rings the doorbell

Derek- Oh hey, can I ask you a favour?

Sabrina- Yeah sure.

Derek- Do you mind not mentioning to my parents that you’re half-mortal? They’re a little funny about stuff like that.

The door opens before Sabrina can reply.

Dr. Axelrod- Hey, it’s the kids! (Calling back inside the house) Florence, stop cleaning already, the kids are here.

Mrs. Axelrod- Oh come on in, it’s freezing out there.

Dr. Axelrod- Oh good idea, my liability insurance doesn’t cover frozen girlfriends.

They both laugh as they usher Sabrina and Derek inside.

Int. Axelrod dining room. The four of them tuck in to a sumptuous and exotic spread. A little more exotic than Sabrina’s used to.

Sabrina- Mmmm, braised dragon. May I have more bread please?

Derek passes the rolls.

Derek- Hey, are you not gonna eat your skin? It’s the best part.

Sabrina- Oh... the scales get stuck in my teeth.

Dr. Axelrod- Ah, sounds like a flosser. Sabrina, has anyone ever told you you have a perfect bite?

Sabrina- No, but I get a lot of compliments on my bark.

Dr. Axelrod- (Laughing)(To Mrs. Axelrod) Flo! She’s got a sense of humour.

Mrs. Axelrod- U-huh. (To Derek) If you’re smart you wont let this one get away.

Derek- (Embarrassed) Mom!

Dr. Axelrod- I heard a great joke today. These two mortals walk into a bar...

Derek- (Interrupting) Dad!

Dr. Axelrod- Ah you’re right, maybe that one’s a little too racy. Sabrina, what do you call a mortal with half a brain?

Sabrina- I er... I don’t know.

Dr. Axelrod- Gifted.

Dr. and Mrs. Axelrod burst into gales of laughter unaware that neither Sabrina nor Derek are laughing. Sabrina tries to change the subject.

Sabrina- Er you have a lovely home here.

Mrs. Axelrod- Oh thank you, we’ve lived here for four hundred years.

Dr. Axelrod- It was a wonderful neighbourhood until the mortal’s started moving in. Property values are dropping like flies.

Sabrina- Mortal’s? Mortal’s can’t live in the Other Realm?

Dr. Axelrod- Mortal’s; Half-mortal’s, what’s the difference? It’s in their blood.

Derek- Who wants this last aardvark fritter?

Dr. Axelrod takes the fritter.

Dr. Axelrod- Don’t get me wrong Sabrina, some of my best friends are half-mortal’s. I just don’t want them living in my neighbourhood, d’you hear what I’m saying?

Sabrina- (Shocked and upset) Loud and clear.

She puts on a brave smile to get through the rest of dinner and notices Derek looking ashamed.

Int. College House. Sabrina enters and hangs up her coat.

Salem- Good! You’re home late. That means the date went well.

Sabrina- Guess again.

Salem- Don’t tell me you blew it? I’m working on an early parole and Derek’s father is on the Witches Council.

Sabrina- Well Derek’s father is also a total bigot. I just spent the entire evening trying to hide the fact that I’m half-mortal.

Salem- That’s awful, I hate prejudice. Do you know how many women have rejected me just because I have four legs and a tail? It’s wrong I tell ya! Why don’t they care about what’s inside?

Sabrina- Salem, what’s on the inside of you is a selfish, misogynistic pig.

Salem- Hey! Pigs are people too.

Sabrina- I may have to break up with Derek, his family is just too hideous.

Salem- But that doesn’t mean that Derek is.

A large, pink, heart shaped bubble materialises over the counter. It pops and drops a white phone decorated with a pink ribbon onto the counter in front of Sabrina. The phone rings.

Sabrina- Wow! These long distance phone company’s’ll do anything to get you to switch.

She answers the phone.

Sabrina- Hello?

A floating oval screen pops into being beside them showing Derek on the other end of the phone.

Derek- Hi Sabrina.

Sabrina- Hi. (To Salem) It’s Derek.

Salem- I can see that.

Derek- Listen, I just want to apologies again for what happened tonight.

Salem- Forgiven; forgotten.

Sabrina points putting a gaffa-tape gag over Salem’s snout.

Salem- Mmmp!

Derek- I’m so sorry, I wanted tonight to be perfect. Sabrina, I really like you and I just hope you wont hold me responsible for my parents behaviours.

Sabrina- Do you have any idea how awful it was to sit through those horrible jokes? Why didn’t you say something?

Derek- I should have. I-I just stopped trying to fight with my parents, they’re set in their ways. Why do you think I go to school in the mortal realm?

Sabrina- Well I guess I wouldn’t want anyone to hold my aunts behaviour against me.

Derek- Listen, er I just got front row tickets to see the Black Hole Surfers on Friday night in the Other Realm Forum. Would you be interested in going?

Sabrina- Are your parents coming?

Derek- No!

Sabrina- Pick me up at seven.

Derek- Great. Oh by the way, that phone you’re holding, it’s white chocolate.

The screen vanishes in a cascade of pink hearts. Sabrina looks at the phone in her hand and takes a bite.

Sabrina- Mmm! Belgian.

Salem- (Muffled) Chocolate! (Sob!)

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina takes a cup of Joe across to Zelda who’s sat at one of the settees.

Sabrina- Here’s your cappuccino served at the tooth friendly temperature of look-warm.

Zelda- Oh thank you. So, I hear things are heating up between you and Derek?

Sabrina- Well let’s just say we could melt a glacier.

At the counter Josh and Hilda eavesdrop.

Josh- Are you listening to this? Derek, Derek, Derek! What’s so special about Derek anyway?

Hilda- Well in alphabetical order, he’s athletic, buff, charismatic, dashing, effervescent, funny, gorgeous...

Josh- (Interrupting) It was a rhetorical question.

Hilda- Oh.

Int. Dr. Axelrod’s surgery, The Other Realm. He lifts the light away from Zelda and sits back.

Dr. Axelrod- See, now that wasn’t too bad was it?

Zelda- No, not after I passed out from the pain.

Dr. Axelrod- (Laughing) Well this may be your last visit to my office but I have a hunch we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other.

Zelda- Yes, it seems like Sabrina and Derek are really hitting it off.

Dr. Axelrod- Oh your niece is a terrific girl and what a sense of humour, she really loved all my jokes.

Zelda- Well I could use a laugh, seeing as how you drilled down to my last good nerve.

Dr. Axelrod- Okay, erm... what has an IQ of a hundred and ninety-two?

Zelda- (Thinking) I don’t know.

Dr. Axelrod- The entire mortal realm.

He laughs uproariously at his own joke. Zelda doesn’t.

Zelda- Sabrina found that funny?

Dr. Axelrod- (Still laughing) Who wouldn’t?

He holds up a set of fake chattering teeth.

Zelda- Maybe somebody who’s half-mortal.

Dr. Axelrod- We don’t associate with people like that, so we’ve got nothing to worry about.

Zelda- I see. Well this has been a painful afternoon, in more ways than one.

She leaves.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s room. Sabrina is looking for fashion tips from a cat who knows. She holds up a mid-length blue skirt.

Sabrina- Okay, for my date with Derek, how about this?

Salem- Too long.

She puts it down and holds up a red micro-mini skirt that is little more than a belt.

Sabrina- Okay, this?

Salem- Too long.

Sabrina- Salem!

Salem- I’m just sayin’, don’t be afraid to show some skin.

Sabrina- Oh you mean like this?

She zaps and someone is showing a whole lot of skin and it isn’t Sabrina.

Salem- Are you mad woman?! I could catch my death.

The completely furless kitty dashes from the room to preserve his modesty as Zelda materialises and watches him go.

Zelda- (Calling after) Whatever you did, I’m sure you deserved it.

Sabrina- Hey aunt Zelda, what are you doing here?

Zelda- Well I’ve just come back from the dentist and I’m a little concerned. Does Derek know you’re a half-mortal?

Sabrina- Yeah, I told him on our first date.

Zelda- And he was okay with it?

Sabrina- Yeah. Look, his father’s a total bigot but Derek’s not like that.

Zelda- What makes you so sure?

Sabrina- Well we talked about it and he still wants to go out with me, and you know what? He’s meeting me in an hour to go to the Other Realm.

Zelda- Honey, I don’t mean to put a damper on this but in my experience, the apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree.

Sabrina- Well Derek’s great! Everything’s fine. You’ve got nothing to worry about.

Zelda- Then do me a favour. Since you’re going to the Other Realm, why don’t you use the portal at our house? That way Hilda and I can ask him a few questions.

Sabrina- Fine, whatever, but first you have to help me find something to wear.

Salem- (From the doorway) If you find anything with black fur with four sleeves, toss it this way.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda helps Sabrina with her necklace as the front doorbell rings.

Sabrina- Oh. Now please remember, this is a date, not the Nuremberg trials. Keep your questions short, civil and to the point.

She goes and answers the door.

Hilda- Well I’m out.

At the door.

Derek- Hey Sabrina, ready to go?

Sabrina- Almost. Um, do you mind if we sit down for a second? My aunts want to get to know you a little better.

She guides him to the living room.

Derek- Sure.

Zelda- Hi Derek, I’m Zelda and you’ve met Hilda.

Hilda spots the bag he has in his hand.

Hilda- Ooo! Magic Caramel Corn, that’s my favourite.

Derek- Er yeah, I brought them for the concert. You’re welcome to...

Hilda- (Interrupting and snatching the bag from his hand.) Thanks! (Reading the label) ‘Guaranteed to tickle your inside’ Well I’ll be the judge of that.

She opens the bag and pops one in her mouth.

Sabrina- Why don’t we all sit down?

Derek sits in the armchair with the inquisitors sitting on the settee Sabrina takes her station on the chairs arm beside Derek.

Hilda- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Sorry.

Sabrina- So um, Derek, why don’t you tell my aunts how much you love living in the mortal realm with... mortals?

Derek- I like it.

Sabrina- Great! Okay, nice chatting, let’s go.

Zelda- Wait a minute! Wait a minute, not so fast. Y’know Derek, I hear some witches want to start a country club that excludes mortals. What do you think of that?

Derek- That is the last club that I’d ever join.

Hilda- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Zelda- Hilda!

Hilda- Ha-ha-ha! Sorry. This corn is so funny. Ha-ha-ha!

Zelda snatches the bag of corn from Hilda.

Zelda- (To Derek) Well surely you’d want separate golf courses?

Derek- Wouldn’t really matter to me, don’t play golf.

Sabrina taps him on the arm and makes a little ‘Let’s go’ gesture.

Derek- (Cont.) Oh listen, er I don’t mean to be rude but we have to get to the concert, it starts in half an hour.

Sabrina- Yeah. You know concerts, they always start early. Okay, see ya.

She grabs Derek’s hand and drags him off upstairs towards the linen closet.

Hilda- Bye!

Derek- Hey, nice meeting you guys.

Zelda- Well have fun. (To Hilda) <Sigh> That was thoroughly un-satisfying, I had a lot more questions I wanted to ask him.

Hilda- Me too, like where did he get this corn. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Int. The Other Realm Juice Bar. After the concert. Sabrina and Derek enter and pass a motley collection of other world witches and creatures to get to the bar.

Derek- Man, that was a great concert huh?

Sabrina- Yeah, and look at this juice bar, this place is so cool. You never see a place like this in the mortal realm.

They both take a seat on the bar-stools.

Derek- Yeah, it’s kinda why I wanted to bring you here. In case I haven’t told you lately, you are very special to me.

Sabrina- Well it has been three minutes, I was getting a little worried.

They both smile and lean into a kiss and with terrible timing.

Bartender- So what can I do you for?

Derek- Er two pineapple tsunami’s

Bartender- Always the complicated drinks. Just once I wish someone would order a snaffle.

He points in a very uncomplicated way and the drinks are served. The barman wonders down to the other end of the bar.

Derek- Oh careful, these tsunami’s can be a little rough.

They clink glasses and Sabrina raises hers to her lips and is hit full in the face by a tidal-wave of pineapple juice.

Sabrina- Oh! So much for that warning. I’ll be right back, I think I got a starfish up my nose.

She heads for the rest room to freshen up and to do something about that starfish and passes two green faced, other realmly creatures sat at a nearby table on her way. The strange beings are laughing at her mishap. When she’s gone they turn to Derek.

Creature #1- Hey buddy, I hope I’m not out o’ line here but your girlfriend is one good lookin’ witch.

Derek- Thanks. Actually she’s half-mortal.

Creature #2- (To Creature #1) What’d I tell ya huh? Can I spot ‘em or what? He-he!

Creature #1- (To Derek) You don’t have a problem dating a half-mortal?

Derek- Why would I have a problem?

Creature #1- Well ...

Derek- (Interrupting) Sure mortals aren’t the smartest carbon based life forms but hey... she’s a cutie. Ha-ha.

Creature #1- He-he-he.

Creature #2- Oh wait-wait, I just heard a great one. Okay-Okay, how many mortals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Creature #1- A hundred and fifty...

Derek- (Interrupting) One to hold the bulb and a hundred and forty-nine to turn the house.

Creature #1- I guess you’ve heard that one huh?

He goes over to join them at their table.

Derek- I know ‘em all man. What do you call a mortal with half of a brain?

The creatures look at each other and shrug.

Derek- (Cont.) Gifted.

They all laugh

Derek- (Cont.) I love that joke man.

Creature #2- So I guess you just stay with cutie there until something better comes along huh?

Derek- Hey, it’s not easy to find a full witch in the mortal realm, sometimes you’ve gotta settle.

Sabrina- Settle?!

Derek spins round in his seat not having seen Sabrina return.

Derek- Sabrina!

Sabrina- How could you say that? Is that really how you feel?

Derek- No!

Sabrina- Why do you say those things then? Why are you telling those idiotic jokes when you know how much they hurt me?

Derek- (Placing a calming hand on her arm) Come on, I didn’t mean anything by it.

She shrugs him off and steps back.

Derek- (Cont.) Look, I’m with a couple of guys. It’s what guys do.

Sabrina- Yeah, well this is what I do.

She turns and walks away. Derek follows after her.

Derek- Sabrina wait, you’re making a big mistake.

Sabrina- Am I? Derek tell me the truth, could you ever get seriously involved with someone who wasn’t a full witch?

Derek- We’re having fun! Don’t get all mortal on me.

Sabrina- Don’t worry, there’s a whole other side to me. This date is officially over.

She points at Derek sending him she alone knows where in a swirl of sparkles. Dejectedly she sits alone at a table, but not for long as the two green creatures come over and plonk themselves beside her.

Creature #1- That’s okay sweetie, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.

Creature #2 slips his arm round her shoulder.

Sabrina- Back off slime-ball! Get your furry mitts off me!

Her words have a dramatic effect on the creatures. With a shiver they transform.

Zelda- Sorry honey.

Hilda- Oh you must feel terrible.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda! What are you doing here?

Zelda- We came to seek the truth. Sorry it had to get ugly on you.

Sabrina- Normally I’d be really mad at you but... desperate times called for desperate measures. What was I thinking?!

Hilda- (Giving Sabrina a comforting hug) You were thinking that you’d met the one guy out there who’s not a jerk. Is there a guy out there who’s not a jerk?

Zelda- (Lying) Of course there is. Sabrina, I don’t know if he’ll be a witch, I don’t know if he’ll be a mortal but I know there’s someone out there for you.

Hilda- Is there someone out there for me?

Zelda- You know I heard they make really great tsunami’s here.

She looks around for a waiter.

Hilda- I asked you a question!

Zelda- Very frothy with just a hint of mint.

She continues to look around and catch a waiters eye.

Hilda- I demand an answer! (Yelling) Is there somebody out there for me?!

The whole juice bar falls silent for a second before every male, witch or creature, and quite a few females stampede for the door.

Sabrina- I think you just killed happy-hour.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s room. Salem sits on her window-sill watching Sabrina lay on her belly reading a text-book on her bed when the phone rings. She answers.

Sabrina- Hello?

Josh- Hey Sabrina, I’m surprised to find you home.

Sabrina- It’s two o’clock in the morning.

Josh- Exactly, I’ve been leaving messages for Morgan since nine o’clock.

Sabrina- Ah, she went to bed early. She has a spa appointment tomorrow and she wants to be well rested.

Josh- Oh, well how are things going with you and Derek?

Sabrina- They’re gone, it’s over.

Josh- (Ecstatically happy) Oh, I’m really sorry to hear that.

Sabrina- Thanks Josh. I’ll tell Morgan you called.

Josh- Thanks.

She hangs up and puts the book away

Sabrina- (To Salem) Man am I tired. Goodnight Salem.

Salem- Goodnight Sabrina.

She turns her light out and settles down to sleep. Salem smiles. Sabrina throws her arm across her eyes to shield them from the blinding light from Salem’s teeth.

Sabrina- Ow! Do you mind?!

Salem- (Closing his mouth) Sorry, I thought you were gonna stay up and read.

Run credits.