House Of Pi's

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda comes down stairs carrying her briefcase and a large book. Hilda is on her heals.

Hilda- Please! Please! Pleeease!

Zelda- (Turning) No! How many time do I have to tell you? I will not flamenco dance at the coffee house.

Hilda- But I need an act to fill up my Friday night showcase, and when you twirl in your red ruffled skirt you look serico suave.

Zelda- Sorry sinorita, but I quit flamenco when queen Isabella caught me fandangoing with Ferdinand.

Hilda- All right, how about... a hula? A hora? A Mexican hat dance? I’ll slip a flask of tequila in your sombrero?

Zelda- I’m late for my graduate gamma ray seminar. Find another sucker.

She leaves. Hilda stands at the door and calls after her.

Hilda- Where?!

Salem- (Singing) Moon river.

Hilda- (Walking to the settee) Forget it, you are not singing at the coffee house.

Salem- Okay, how about comedy? How about juggling?

Hilda- How about putting a sock in it?

Salem- That’s it! I’ll be a mime. Wanna see me do my trapped in a box?

Hilda- I thought you’d never ask.

She points. Salem’s trapped in a box is really very good but I always thought mimes worked without props.

Salem- (In a box)<Gasp! Pant!> A couple of air holes please!

Run opening credits.

Int. Adams college journalism class. Sabrina enters and spots a familiar face.

Sabrina- Roxie, what are you doing here?

Roxie- Metabolising glucose. I didn’t know you were into journalism?

Sabrina- (Helping herself to coffee) Well maybe if we ever had a real conversation.

Roxie- Why spoil what works?

Sabrina- You’ll have to get over this functional behaviour kick. So what d’you wanna do for the school paper?

Roxie- The same kinda hard hitting reporting I did for my high school newspaper. I did an expose on two seniors who turned out to be white supremacists.

Sabrina- Oh well I uncovered a car-jacking ring that was working football games and I busted the cafeteria for selling expired yoghurt.

Roxie- Expired yoghurt?

Sabrina- Yeah, have you ever tasted a carton of mouldy strawberry peach?

Professor Hopkins- Everybody sit down so we can get started.

Sabrina and Roxie, along with the other hopefuls, sit at a large conference table.

Professor Hopkins- (Cont.) Okay, you’re all here because you wanna write for the Adams Advocate. If you wanna write, you have to bring me stories that are provocative and different. Most of you will just be pestering small businesses to buy ad space.

Roxie- (Aside to Sabrina) I didn’t come to college to solicit nail salons and pizza joints.

Sabrina- I didn’t fight the war on yoghurt to wind up with a desk job.

Professor Hopkins- (To Sabrina and Roxie) I see the two of you are already planing your first article? Why don’t you chatter-boxes team up?

Sabrina- Actually, I prefer to write solo.

Roxie- I prefer she writes solo too.

Professor Hopkins- Everybody will be writing with a partner. (To all) The two best stories go in the paper... The rest will go in the trash.

Sabrina- (Aside to Roxie) Well y’know, if it’s any consolation, I heard that Woodward didn’t like working with Bernstien.

Roxie- It’s no consolation whatsoever.

Int. Hilda’s coffee house. Hilda unlocks the door to the accompaniment of tom-toms. Salem looks up from his instrument on a table with a fake goatee beard, spectacles and a beret.

Salem- The endless cycle of naked truth spins yellow. Madness! It’s like crazy man.

Hilda- Salem, what are you doing here?

Salem- Auditioning.

Hilda- I can’t have cats in the coffee house!

Salem- But I’m a hip cat! I hang out in the coffee houses all the time, you dig?

Hilda smiles and points.

Ext. Spellman back yard. only a small black, bearded and spectacled head wearing a beret sits in the dirt. The rest of Salem is buried in it.

Salem- That’s deep daddy-o

Int. College house. Roxie and Sabrina prepare popcorn in the kitchen.

Sabrina- Okay, here’s our article. We go to the Adams College Arts Festival and we interview one of the potters.

Roxie- There’s a newsflash. Clay.

Sabrina- All right. Okay, how about this? We do a story on the lack of public transportation. I mean there are never enough buses to get the students from campus to downtown. (On Roxie’s look) Listen to me, I’m pitching a story about buses!

Roxie- I’ve got it! The pervasive paranoia and depression in American society, vis-à-vis, the end of human existence as we know it.

Sabrina- Too light and bubbly.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda’s on the phone.

Hilda- Mr. Wayne Newton please... Hilda... of Hilda’s coffee house... Yes, I’ll hold. Dankashurn. (To herself) This is gonna be so fabulous, everybody loves Wayne Newton. (Down phone) What’ya mean he’s out of town... forever?!... You tell that pompadoured lounge-lizard that he is no Paul Anker and I’m never having his baby!

She hangs up the phone.

Hilda- (Cont.)(To herself) Who am I gonna get now?

There’s a purring meow and Hilda turn to see Salem on the counter with a tall hat made of tropical fruit.

Salem- (Singing with Latin accent) I’m the cat in the fruity hat.
All the pretty sinoritas got for that.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Hilda- (In Latin accent) Lucy! How many time I have to tell you? You can’t be in the show!

Salem- But Ricky. (Sob!)

Hilda- Salem, d’you really think college girls are going to go for cats in South American drag?

Salem- I do all right. Now be honest, am I any worse than all the other acts you saw today?

Hilda- No... and you were definitely better than the gangsta gynaecologist, but I still can’t book you.

Salem- Don’t want to book me.

Hilda- Don’t split hairs, okay. I still have a headache from notorious G.Y.N.

Adams College hallway. Sabrina comes out of a classroom with Zelda.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, Roxie and I have to write a hot article for the Adams Advocate. Any ideas?

Zelda- As a matter of fact, I just heard something very exciting.

Sabrina- (Pleased) I knew you’d be a big help.

Zelda- New measurements of deuterium at the center of the milky way confirm theoretical models that deuterium, a heavy isotope of hydrogen, containing one proton and one neutron is primordial.

Sabrina- That’s been done to death.

She spots Roxie talking to a student further down the hallway and goes to join her.

Roxie- So what did your aunt say?

Sabrina- Let’s just be glad we’re not in her physics class. Let’s face it, we have no story, we’re never going to get on the paper.

Morgan comes out of a class room walking backwards and waving to her friend.

Morgan- Okay Cecilia, bye.

She back right into Roxie.

Roxie- Hey!

Morgan- Oh! Out of my way, I am late for something important.

Roxie- Let me guess, emergency mustache bleaching?

Morgan- Don’t be ridiculous, pumpkin facial. All the rushees' in my sorority are giving them to the actives. Then they’re polishing our pearls.

With a bright smile, she leaves.

Sabrina- (To Roxie) Don’t you hate being saddled with a brain? Wait a minute, that’s it! That’s our article!

Roxie- Smart people?

Sabrina- No-no-no-no, sororities!

Roxie- Shallow people.

Sabrina- Right, and yet most girls would do anything to join a sorority. Why would shallow people want to connect so badly with other shallow people?

Roxie- We’ll ask Morgan the next time we see her.

Sabrina- You don’t get it, our story is ‘Sorority girls, societies lost souls’

Roxie- Pampered, pearled, pathetic. I like it.

Sabrina- Thank you. Here’s what I propose, we get the scoop by going undercover as sorority rushees’.

Roxie- Me in a sweater-set and pleated skirt? I can’t think of anything more ridiculous.

Int. Mu Pi Sorority house. It’s full of girls looking very... girlie. Roxie looks down at the herself in disgust.

Roxie- Don’t you dare tell anyone you ever saw me in a sweater-set.

Sabrina- Okay, but... it’s gonna cost ya.

Lynn- (In passing to Roxie) Cute outfit.

Roxie- Great, they think I’m one of them.

Sabrina- Good, now let’s see if you can sound like them. Talk about your Summer.

Roxie- I got lime disease.

Sabrina- We’re gonna have to work on that.

A girl comes over in a sweater-set and holds out her hand.

Mindy- Hi, I’m Mindy Schiebly, rush chairman for Mu Pi.

Roxie just stares at her threateningly and ignores the outstretched hand of welcome. Sabrina points at her friend.

Roxie- (Shaking the hand vigorously) Hi, I’m Roxie, this is Sabrina. We’re so incredibly excited to be here and meet you and meet everybody and say hello and see the house and rush and gosh. Oh it’s so exciting I don’t know what to say!

Sabrina- Er maybe you should take it down a notch.

Sabrina points at Roxie again, removing the spell as Mindy gratefully gets her hand back and Sabrina and Roxie head over to the buffet table where they meet Morgan.

Morgan- Hey Sabrina, I’m glad you decided to rush. (To Roxie) Oh what are you doing here?

Roxie- Believe me, I’m asking myself the same question.

Sabrina- Er what she means is she can’t wait for the first pyjama party.

Mindy- Can I please have everyone’s attention? I’d like to welcome all the rushees’.

Sabrina- (Aside to Roxie) That’s us, look alive.

Mindy- (Cont.) And a special thanks to Hope and Bethany for providing these delicious but oh so naughty cinnamon snaps.

The gathering applaud politely.

Sabrina- (Aside to Roxie) Oow suck-up’s, why didn’t we think of that?

Mindy- (Cont.) A now, to get us into the Mu Pi spirit, why don’t we all sing the Mu Pi song?

Roxie- (Aside to Sabrina) I’d rather have a cornoscopy.

Sabrina- I think they save that for the big Spring mixer.

All the girls start to clap in time.

Everyone- (Singing) Mu Pi reaches from the desert to the beaches.
we always aim to please and we love our wine and cheese.

Int. Hilda’s coffee house. Hilda sits attentively listening to a folk guitarist finishing his piece. She applauds.

Hilda- Oh you’re fantastic. I’m putting you in Friday night at nine fifteen. Maybe nine twenty, it depends when the Israeli guy finishes reading Jabberwocky.

Guitarist- That’s great, but I can’t agree to anything until you talk to my agent.

He reaches into the breast pocket of his shirt and hands her a card.

Hilda- (Reading) ‘Salem Saberhagen CAT’?

Guitarist- Creative acts and talent. He’s handling a lot of performers from the Other Realm.

Hilda- Salem is a convicted felon, he can’t be an agent!... Well I suppose he could.

Guitarist- I really think Salem’s gonna boost my career.

Hilda- Maybe you’ll be the next Morty Ponder.

Singer- Who?

Hilda- Exactly.

Int. Mu Pi Sorority house. Sabrina and Roxie are still at the buffet table.

Sabrina- These cinnamon snaps are awesome.

Roxie- Enough with the cookies, we’ve got an article to write. Let’s go expose some air-heads.

Sabrina- Let’s do a sound check.

They both reach down into their cleavage and pull up small microphones concealed in their bras.

Roxie- Testing one, two, three,

Sabrina- Four, five, six.

Roxie- We’re live.

Sabrina- Victoria’s got a new secret.

Roxie- Let’s split up.

Sabrina- Roger that, but let’s meet at the cinnamon snaps in an hour.

Roxie- Will you stop with the cinnamon snaps?

She leaves to do some investigating and Sabrina makes her way over to two girls in sweater-sets.

Sabrina- Hi, I’m Sabrina.

One of the girls departs but the other turns to Sabrina.

Lynn- I’m Lynn. Are you as excited as I am about rushing Mu Pi?

Sabrina- Ecstatic! I hear more Mu Pi’s graduate with engagement rings than any other house.

Lynn- (Surprised) That’s why you’re here, to meet a husband?

Sabrina- Yeah, aren’t you?

Lynn- No, my education comes first. I wanna do well in school so I can have a successful career.

Sabrina- Which will make you even more attractive to your future husband.

Lynn- I don’t mean to sound judgmental but isn’t that a little shallow?

Meanwhile, Roxie has cornered another rushee.

Roxie- ...So long story short, my parents and I argued all year about which Mercedes they should buy me. I’m sure you can relate.

Nancy- Actually I’m on a scholarship. I live at home and take the bus, which isn’t bad but sometimes there’s a bus shortage.

Roxie- A bus shortage?

She turns away.

Roxie- (Under her breath) A smart person would have written an article about that.

Across the room Sabrina corners another girl.

Sabrina- So what are you looking forward to most about being a Mu Pi? Doing your toe-nails with other girls or highlighting each others hair?

Girl #1- Actually, I want to get involved in their Volunteer America program.

Sabrina- Oh... Where you volunteer to give manicures to the less fortunate?

Girl #1- Er no, where they feed the homeless and read to the blind.

Sabrina- I was afraid of that.

Roxie has a gossip with another girl.

Roxie- So you’re into horses? (The girl nods yes) There’s a surprise, I bet you’ve got the boots, the jompers and that little whippy thing?

Gloria- No, I interned doing an equestrian riding therapy for disabled children.

Roxie- But you wear a silly bonnet right? (On the girls look) Come on, give me something. I’ve got... nothing here.

Gloria turn away shaking her head. Later, as the meeting starts to break up, Sabrina and Roxie are back at the buffet table looking dejected. Sabrina munches on a cookie.

Roxie- Boy are we out of luck.

Sabrina- Yeah tell me about it, this is the last cinnamon snap and Bethany is not parting with that recipe.

Roxie- I was talking about the story, we don’t have one. These girls are great and what they do is great.

Sabrina- So we’ll do a different story. We’ll write about how nice and sweet these sorority girls really are.

Roxie- I’d rather solicit pizza parlours.

Sabrina- You may get your wish.

They head for the door where Lynn is slipping on her coat.

Lynn- It was nice meeting you two, I guess I’ll see you both on Thursday night?

Sabrina- Oh what’s Thursday night?

Lynn- Study night, we meet here at eight o’clock.

Roxie- How precious, we all get together and do our homework.

Lynn- Oh not quite. We all get together and do the seniors homework.

Sabrina- What?! Isn’t that cheating?

Lynn- If you don’t do it, you don’t get into Mu Pi. Bye.

Lynn leaves and Sabrina and Roxie turn to each other grinning.

Sabrina- I think we got our story, a homework cheating ring?

Roxie- This is big.

Sabrina- This is really big. Like really, really, really, really big.

Roxie- That’s why, when we write the article, I’m in charge of adjectives.

Sabrina- This is huge, we’re talking front page stuff here. I mean with this article, we can change the course of history.

Int. Sabrina’s imagination. The Adams Advocate spins into the picture like an old newsreel. The banner headline reads ‘Spellman & King Foil Sorority’ An excited news reader speaks over.

Newsreader- It’s news on the march. Girl menace taken down...

Flash bulbs flash as Sabrina and Roxie stand smiling at the podium dressed in forties style outfits.

Newsreader- (Cont.) Sabrina Spellman and Roxie King won the Pulitzer prize for blowing the lid off decades old cheating ring.

Sabrina- (Down microphone) We caught these dames red handed. It’s bye-bye Mu Pi. Say fella’s, get a load of these gams.

She poses hitching up her pencil skirt to give a flash of stocking top as the flash bulbs flash in a frenzy.

Int. Mu Pi Sorority house. Roxie frowns at Sabrina.

Roxie- Is there any particular reason you’re showing me your thighs?

Sabrina- (Lowering her pleated skirt) Oh er... yeah, you know I’ve been working out a lot lately.

Roxie- Let’s start working out our plan to bust Mu Pi. All we have now is hearsay.

Sabrina- True, we will not be able to write word one until we have (Counting off on her fingers) evidence, witnesses and quotes.

Roxie- So our mission on Thursday is to come back and gather all the hard facts.

Sabrina- Yeah, we’ll call in the boys from the precinct, we’ll throw these peaches in the paddy-wagon and you and I will put on the Ritz and paint this town red.

Roxie- I tell you what, I’ll do the writing, you jitterbug for the troops.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem’s sat on the counter with his palm-pilot and wearing a hands-free headset that’s plugged into the phone. Hilda paces back and forth.

Salem- Hilda sweetheart, I love ya, you know that but I only have so much wiggle room on this guitarist. I’m getting pressured from all sides.

Hilda- What sides?! It’s you and a couple of business cards you printed up at Kinko’s. Why do you even wanna be an agent anyway?

Salem- You wouldn’t let me perform so now I have to sponge off the talent of others. My client gets ten grand a night, take it or leave it.

Hilda- It’s a showcase. (Yelling down his ear) Performers work for tips!

Salem- Okay, three hundred bucks and a pound of Lucks.

Hilda- Two bucks and a can of Star-kissed and that is my final offer.

Salem- Shhhh, I’m on the phone with the coast. Geoffrey... Steven?... David! I can’t believe I got all three of you boy-chics on the line Ha-ha.

Hilda rips the headset off Salem and puts it to her ear.

Hilda- There’s no-one on the line.

Salem- At the end of the day, who’s gonna remember?

Hilda- I will. I have had it with you!

Salem- I’ve had it with you!

Zelda enters.

Zelda- I’ve had it with both of you! This has gone on long enough. Okay, here’s the deal. (Pointing at Salem) Your guitarist gets ten bucks a show. (Pointing at Hilda) Salem get... a fish stick. If it’s a packed house, a side of tartar sauce.

Hilda- Fine!

Salem- All right! Let’s close this thing, I’ve got lunch with the Budwieser fairies.

Int. Mu Pi Sorority house. Thursday. Roxie and Sabrina enter and hang up their coats. Lynn and the other rushees’ are already hard at work on the seniors homework at the table. Sabrina shoves and fiddles with her bra.

Roxie- (Whispering) Did you put in fresh batteries?

Sabrina- Yeah, I’m packing two ‘D’s... and believe me, that is the first time I’ve ever said that.

Mindy comes over.

Mindy- Hey Sabrina, hey Roxie, welcome to study night. Here are your assignments.

She hands over a card.

Mindy- (Cont.) Sabrina you’re going to be doing Karen’s homework, Roxie you’re gonna be doing mine.

They take the cards.

Roxie- (Reading) But I don’t know anything about the Punic wars.

Mindy- Neither do I, that’s why we keep a comprehensive file of all the papers ever written at Adams.

Sabrina- Um so what you’re saying Mindy T, Schiebly, is that in order for us to become Mu Pi members we have to do your...

Sabrina’s bra starts ticking. She clamps her arms across her chest to try and hide the noise but...

Mindy- What’s that?

Sabrina- What?

Mindy- That clicking? It sounds like it’s coming from your top?

Sabrina- Er, it is... coming from my top... jaw. I have click-jaw. In high school they used to call me Click-jaw McGraw.

Roxie- (Speaking into Sabrina’s bosom.) Now back to us doing your homework...

Sabrina- Yeah Mindy T, Schiebly...

As she speaks she fiddles with her bra and the hidden clicking mini tape recorder pops out landing in Mindy’s lap.

Sabrina- ... Oh!

Mindy- What is this?!

Sabrina- Oh! Oh my gosh! My pacemaker fell out! I am so suing that heart surgeon!

Mindy- It’s a tape recorder. What are you doing with a tape recorder?

Sabrina- That’s a very good question.

Roxie- And she has a very good answer.

Sabrina- Yeah I do. I use it... er y’know... in my classes, to tape my lectures. It’s so small and comfortable I-I-I almost forget I’m wearing it.

Mindy- Hey Felice, look at this.

Felice comes over and takes the recorder from Mindy.

Sabrina- I-I know it looks strange but...

Felice- (Interrupting) Oh that is so adorable.

Sabrina- Strangely adorable.

Mindy- Hey, I love it.

Felice- And it goes with your shoes.

Roxie- And you never wanna break up a set. Now could you just give it back to us?

Felice- Sure, right after I show it to Bethany.

She turns and takes it over to her friend to admire. Sabrina and Roxie trail after her. Bethany takes a look at the recorder.

Sabrina- Excuse me, I need that back.

Bethany takes it to show another senior who looks at it excited.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey y’know, it’s not a toy.

Who in turn shows it to one of her friends.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay. Family heirloom, it’s very fragile!

Gloria- Oh! I have to have one of these. Where’s the play button? I wanna hear how it sounds.

Sabrina- Oh no you don’t.

Gloria- Why not?

Sabrina- Because... Tell ‘em Roxie.

Roxie- Be...cause if you hear what it sounds like now, then you wont be surprised later when you get your own.

Sabrina takes the tape recorder from the girl and tucks it back in her bra. Roxie takes Sabrina by the arm and pulls her away.

Roxie- (To Girl) Excuse us. (To Sabrina) That was close. Are you securely fastened now?

Sabrina- Yeah, ready for take off.

The girls separate. Sabrina goes over to the table where the rushees’ are hard at work.

Sabrina- Hey Lynn, Hi Nancy.

Lynn- Sabrina.

Nancy- How’s it goin’?

Sabrina- Oh not so great, can you believe these girls expect us to do their homework?

Lynn- Oh it’s a drag but if we want in, we have no choice.

Sabrina- Well we could join a different sorority or not join one at all.

Nancy- I have to join, it’s the one chance I’ll ever have in life to fit in.

Lynn- Four generations of women in my family have been Mu Pi’s. If I don’t join I’ll be the black sheep.

Sabrina- (Speaking into her cleavage) So is it fair to say that the Mu Pi sorority is taking advantage of your family pressure Lynn and your total lack of self esteem Nancy?

Nancy- Well you don’t have to put it like that.

Sabrina- Well I just feel like doing the Mu Pi sisters homework is not just wrong but completely unethical.

Lynn- I guess, but on the up side, the house does do a lot of positive work in the community.

Nancy- Plus we get to make a lot of really good friends, well like you and Roxie.

Sabrina- Me and Roxie?

Nancy- Yeah, we would never have met you guys if we hadn’t decided to rush. You’re really nice, I mean you’re super nice.

Sabrina- Thanks. I think the ‘super’ part might be pushing it but...

Lynn- You know we’ve gotta get started on this homework. With any luck I’ll have time to do my own.

As the girls get back to it Sabrina slips away to meet up with Roxie.

Roxie- Well I’ve got all I need, Mu Pi is gonna fry.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s room. Roxie sits at the lap-top, her fingers flying over the keys while Sabrina paces back and forth behind her with something clearly preying on her mind.

Roxie- This is definitely gonna put us on the staff. We’ll be editors by the end of the year.

Sabrina- I don’t wanna write this story.

Roxie- (Standing) What are you talking about?

Sabrina- Well a lot o’ people could get hurt or kicked out o’ college.

Roxie- <Sigh> I didn’t hot-wire my bra so you could back out at the last minute! This is journalism, you write the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

Sabrina- But what if the chips destroy somebody?

Roxie- I think I’m beginning to understand who Sabrina Spellman is. You can’t handle the truth!

Sabrina- I can handle the truth! I just can’t handle the guilt.

Later. Roxie lies back on her bed as Sabrina paces.

Sabrina- Roxie, we have to consider the ramifications. These girls could get thrown out of school, then their parents may never talk to them again and then what’s gonna happen to the kids? I mean you saw ‘Girl Interrupted’ (Counting on her fingers) Murder, mayhem, major box-office disappointment.

Roxie- I’m sure there’s a valid point in there somewhere.

Sabrina- On the other hand, if we want to be responsible journalists we’ve to be willing to make the tough calls.

Roxie- Whatever call we make, we’d better do it fast. We’ve got a deadline!

Later still. Both girls a lay on the bed. Roxie stifles a yawn.

Sabrina- ...But if we don’t write the article, we’re gonna wake up one day with no careers, living in lousy apartments and kick ourselves for not taking advantage of a great opportunity. Ultimately we have to ask ourselves ‘What do we wanna be?’ Compassionate but broke or gutsy, living in penthouses overlooking Central Park?

Roxie- Are we writing the article or not? Yes or no?

Sabrina- Ask me in an hour.

They look at each other and both flop down.

Int. College house. Much later. Sabrina sits at the dining table beside Roxie reading what has been written on the computer screen as the early morning sunshine streams through the window.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Any way you slice it, the Mu Pi cheating scandal taints, not only the sorority itself, but the entire Greek system. It is incumbent on us to abolish these outdated hazing practices and return the true spirit of sisterhood to our sororities.’

Roxie- Brilliant. That’s what we’re handing in.

Sabrina- I think we made the right decision.

Roxie- And if you change your mind... (Plucking her recorder from her bra) ...I’ve got it on tape.

Morgan enters with her bag and a newspaper under her arm.

Morgan- Hi.

She walks up to them, picks the last sugar doughnut, sniffs it and wonders off into the kitchen area.

Roxie- You came home just to eat my breakfast?

Morgan- That, and I’m looking for someone to write my paper on Hemmingway. What is there to say about a model turned actress?

Sabrina and Roxie look at each other grinning.

Sabrina- I’m pretty sure they meant Ernest.

Roxie- What happened? I thought your Mu Pi lackeys were handling your academic needs?

Morgan- Ugh, didn’t you hear? Some goodie-two-shoes named Lynn rallied all the other rushees’ to take a stand against the homework thing. They’re not doing it.

Sabrina- You’re kidding?

Morgan- The Boston Times does not kid.

She hands the paper to Sabrina.

Morgan- (Cont.) Somebody obviously talked. I’m glad you two weren’t involved.

She takes Roxie’s doughnut and a cup of coffee and heads to her room for a good days sleep.

Morgan- (Turning) Oh by the way, next time, don’t get powdered. (Indicating the doughnut) It sticks to my lip-gloss.

She leaves.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Cheating scandal exposed at Adams sorority. Rushees’ launch protest and stand up for themselves’

Roxie- (Grabbing the paper) Let me see that!

Sabrina- (Pleased) Do you know why the women of Mu Pi stood up for themselves? Because of me, Sabrina Spellman. I made an impact, I reached out to those girls and I touched their lives.

Roxie- You touched my life too.

Sabrina- I did? How?

Roxie- Thanks to you I’ve got no story. The Boston Times scooped us and now we’ve got nothing!

Sabrina- Wow you’re right! Um... what should we do?

Roxie- Sabrina, you should have thought about that before you took all night to make up your mind. If we’d have come right home and written the story, we would have made last nights deadline and scooped the Times.

Sabrina- Is that's all that you care about? The glory?

Roxie- I don’t want glory, I-I just want the credit for the work that I put in.

Sabrina- You have the credit. The credit is... knowing in your heart you made a difference. Let me ask you something. When you wrote those hard hitting stories in high school, what was the point? To nail the white supremacists or to get your name on the front page?

Roxie- Okay, maybe it’s good that they did the right thing... and that we’re the ones that inspired them.

Sabrina- I think in the long run, we’re gonna be very proud of what we did.

Roxie- I hate it when you’re right.

Sabrina- I love it when I’m right, and one good thing did come out of this.

Roxie- If you mention cinnamon snaps again, I’ll ring your neck!

Sabrina- What I was gonna say was that we discovered that the two of us make a pretty good team.

Roxie- Yeah, I guess we do. Unfortunately we still have no story.

Sabrina- Well I’ll tell you what we do have. Two plaid skirts we’ll never wear again, two stretched out bras and er (Reaching into her stretched out bra) the recipe for those things I’m not supposed to mention.

She pulls out a slip of paper and laughing, Roxie gives her a shove.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters smiling with a copy of the Adams Advocate.

Sabrina- Hey, great news. You’re looking at Sabrina Spellman, college reporter. Roxie and I made the paper!

She hands the paper to Zelda.

Zelda- That’s fantastic honey, what did you end up writing about?

Sabrina- We did an entertainment review. The journalism teacher said he loved it’s hard hitting honesty.

Hilda enters

Zelda- Well that’s wonderful.

Hilda- What’s wonderful?

Zelda is reading the article with a worried look and turns so that Hilda can’t see over her shoulder.

Zelda- Er nothing you’d be interested in.

Hilda- Oh let me see.

She snatches the paper from her sister.

Hilda- <Gasp!> I see the name Sabrina in a by-line. (Reading) ‘The coffee house showcase: grounds for staying home. Every Friday night Hilda’s serves up hot coffee and lukewarm entertainment. The debut was a travesty from the Jabberwocky reading paratrooper to the tone-deaf singing ferret.’

She sits down on the stool beside Salem after giving Sabrina a glare.

Hilda- (To Salem) Thank you.

Salem- (Talking round his cigar) The kid was just nervous, it was his first time on stage.

Hilda- (To Sabrina) I can’t believe you trashed my showcase? How could you do this to me? You’ve ruined my reputation!

Sabrina- Keep reading.

Hilda- (Reading) ‘Although the talent was sub-par, the lovely hostess, Hilda Spellman, was a cup of pure delight. Warm, inviting and charming to the last drop.’ Sabrina this is great. Did ya read this?

Sabrina- Yeah, I wrote it.

Zelda- Charming to the last drop... but one bean short of a pound.

Run credits.