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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

You Can't Twin

Written By - Ruth Bennett
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina/Katrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda/Jezabelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Josh - David Lascher
Miles - Trevor Lissauer
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Alec - Charles Shaughnessy
Meteor Man - Corey Pepper
Prajeeb - Kal Penn
Ramona - Kelly McNair
Lance - Matt Boren
Inspector - Jody Wood

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda comes in very excited.

Hilda- You’ll never believe it! I have finally met the man of my dreams, the real thing, the one!

Zelda- Congratulations. How is he different from the four hundred other ‘The one!’s?

Hilda- Well he’s gorgeous, he’s charming, he’s funny...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Sounds different so far.

Hilda- Did I mention that he’s gorgeous? His name is Alec, I met him this morning at the Other Realm Post Office.

Zelda- Oh please tell me his picture wasn’t on the wall?

Hilda- Alec happens to be a very fine actor. He’s currently starring in the Other Realm soap opera ‘Another Realm’

Salem- Oow! Ask him who’s the real father of Sharlene’s baby? My moneys on Bob the dancing gargoyle.

Zelda- Hilda, I know what I say will have absolutely no effect on you but please be careful. Go slow?

Sabrina- It’s just that we don’t want you to end up with someone who isn’t right for you.

Hilda- You don’t have to worry, I have my eyes open and my feet firmly on the ground.

But not for long. She starts to steadily float upwards. Love can do that to a witch.

Hilda- (Cont.) Did I mention, he’s gorgeous?

Sabrina- Did I mention that you’re about to hit your head?

Thunk!

Hilda- Aw!

Sabrina- I guess it’s true, love hurts.

Run opening credits.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s bedroom. Roxie on her knees tossing clothing from her closet when Sabrina enters with a laundry basket.

Sabrina- Training for the Olympic clothes toss?

Roxie- I’m looking for my black T-shirt, have you seen it?

Sabrina- (Holding up the black T-shirt) Not only have I seen it, I washed it.

Roxie- You washed my T-shirt?! How could you?

Sabrina- You’re welcome, happy to do you the favour. Here, smell. Fresh as a spring time morning.

Roxie- The only thing I hate more than spring time is morning. New rule: Never - touch - my stuff!

Sabrina- Newer rule: Okay - I wont - so there!

She leaves.

Int. College house. Sabrina comes out of her room and goes to pour herself a cup of coffee. Morgan already has one.

Sabrina- Fair warning, Roxie’s on the war path. It’s gonna be a long, ugly weekend.

Morgan- Oh not for me, I’ve got a dig date.

Sabrina- (Holding the empty coffee pot) Er you know the person who finishes the pot is supposed to make a new one.

Morgan- Oh I guess that’s you. But before you do, I need your opinion. I’m going out with Josh tonight and I can’t decide what to wear.

She holds up a deep maroon satin dress.

Morgan- (Cont.) Hot and sexy...

Then a metallic blue number.

Morgan- (Cont.) ...or cool and coy?

Sabrina- (With forced smile) You guys are going out again?

Morgan- No we’re staying in, I’m making dinner... Well actually the restaurant’s making dinner but I’m putting it on the plate.

Sabrina- Oh that sound like a pretty romantic evening.

Morgan- You’re right! Neither of these are romantic enough... but I have got the perfect little off the shoulder number in my closet. Josh will love it.

She heads upstairs but stops with.

Morgan- (Cont.) I’m so glad you introduced us.

Before continuing to her room.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Don’t mention it! (Under her breath) Ever again.

Miles comes from his room in his anorak carrying his video camera.

Miles- Sabrina! Just to let you know, I’m video-taping the meteor shower tonight, so I’ll need to run some cables through you bedroom window.

Sabrina- You’re gonna leave my bedroom window open? It’s thirty degrees out!

Miles- Come on! This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Unless I live to be a hundred and forty-seven or I... freeze my body, but I have an aversion to cold.

Sabrina- But it’s okay to turn me into a popcicle?

Miles- I knew I could count on you.

He leaves to set up his camera.

Int. Hilda’s coffee house. Sabrina and the other three members of her study group are having a conflict of ideas.

Lance- I say we do our project on the gold rush

Ramona- Hmm, I say prohibition.

Prajeeb- What is so wrong with the expedition of Lewis and Clark?

Ramona- Oh come on...

Lance- Let’s not...

Ramona- Why do you always...

Prajeeb- Why?

Lance- That’s not happening...

Sabrina- (Interrupting the argument) Enough! Since you can’t make a decision, I will. We live in Boston, we all like to party, we’re gonna do the Boston tea party.

Ramona- The Boston tea party? That’s like so sixth grade.

Lance- Nay, I don’t like parties.

Prajeeb- I don’t like Boston.

Sabrina- People, we have to agree on something?

Ramona- Let’s take a coffee break.

Lance and Prajeeb- (Together) I agree.

They all get up and head for the counter while Sabrina bangs her head on the arm of the settee in frustration. Josh stops by her.

Josh- I can’t remember, does two head bangs mean regular or decaf?

Sabrina- I am in the study group from hell. I mean they can’t make a decision and they wont listen to anything I have to say.

Josh- Oh I’d love to get into it but I have to get a hair cut before my date tonight. Morgan’s making me dinner.

Sabrina- Yeah I know, and I bet she’s planning one or two surprised for after dinner.

Josh- I hope one of them is cake. Hey er you’re okay with this whole me and Morgan thing right?

Sabrina- Yeah, you know... I mean who introduced you? Me.

Josh- I know and It’s workin’ out great.

He leaves.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Yeah, everything’s working out great.

She sips her coffee thinking just how great. A thought bubble materialises beside her head with Roxie in it.

Roxie- Don’t touch my stuff!

Another one on the other side with Miles.

Miles- Don’t close the window!

A third with Josh and Morgan.

Josh- Morgan, I love you.

Morgan- Yes, I’ll marry you.

A fourth forces it’s way in with her study group.

Prajeeb- Remember the Alamo!

It all gets too much for Sabrina and she waves her arms about as though wafting away a pesky insect.

Sabrina- Go away! Go away! Go away!

Hilda- Fine!

Hilda and her new boyfriend Alec start to go away but Sabrina jumps up to stop them.

Sabrina- Oh no-no-no-no! Er sorry. I was just er You know, swatting away some personal demons.

Hilda- Well I just wanted to introduce you to my new friend, Alec.

Alec is a handsome man with a toothpaste commercial smile and perfect hair.

Hilda- (Cont.) This is Sabrina.

Alec- Hello.

Sabrina- Hi.

They shake hands.

Hilda- (To Sabrina) Did I lie? Isn’t he gorgeous?

Alec- Hilda stop, you’re gonna spoil me.

Hilda- No, you’re going to spoil me. (To Sabrina) He’s taking me to the rings of Saturn. The best amusement park in the galaxy.

Alec- The happiest place not on earth. Check your troubles at the door and have the time of your life.

Sabrina- Check your troubles at the door?

She looks round at the counter where her three study-buddies are still squabbling and arguing.

Sabrina- (Cont.) When do we leave?

Hilda- Sabrina! It’s our first date.

Sabrina- Well then you’ll need a chaperone, after you.

She links arms with them and ushers them out of the coffee house.

Ext. The rings of Saturn amusement park. Against a backdrop of stars, Hilda, Alec and Sabrina stroll among the rides and stalls sipping exotic fruit drinks.

Sabrina- This is so much fun. You know getting away from my problems is just what the doctor ordered.

Hilda- Did I mention that Alec plays the handsome and brooding Doctor Terrence Honeycut on the highly acclaimed daytime drama ‘Another Realm’?

Alec- (In Dr. Honeycut voice) Listen and listen good nurse Wilson, no one dies on my watch.

Hilda- Don’t you love it when he does that?

Sabrina- Yeah, I have chills. So who wants to go ride the roller-coaster?

Hilda- I do!

Alec- Oh pass, it wreaks havoc with the hair.

Sabrina- Oh well I like to live on the edge, so gotta go.

She heads off to the roller-coaster.

Alec- How about ‘House of mirrors’?

Hilda- Again? We’ve been there three times?

Alec- And yet I never tire of it.

Hilda- We could do something different. You could row me through the ‘Tunnel of love’ with those big, strong arms?

Alec- Well rowing would be a great work-out for my upper body but er I’m in the mood to see all of me.

He walks off.

Hilda- ‘House of mirrors’ it is.

She walks after him.

Later. Sabrina walks alone through the crowd at the stalls. She passes the ‘Wheel of fortune’ with her hair wind-swept and disarrayed from the roller-coaster. She passes by a stall called ‘Meteor Toss’

Sabrina- (To herself) Whoo-hoo! That roller-coaster was great. I don’t know what Alec’s problem was with the hair.

Meteor Man- Hey cousin It, step on up and grab a meteor.

Sabrina- What do I have to do?

Meteor Man- Just aim at earth and give it a hurl.

Sabrina- Well that sounds like fun and after that roller-coaster, I am ready to hurl.

She pays her money, takes the hand sized piece of rock and winds up.

Sabrina- (Cont.) This ones for you Miles.

She lets fly and the meteor flies off through space on a good trajectory leaving a flaming tail behind it.

Ext. The roof of the college house. Miles raises his video camera as another meteor trail lights up the night sky. Once it’s gone from site he lowers it.

Miles- (To himself) Awesome! That one looked like it was aimed at me.

He smiles and gives a thumbs-up to the stars.

Ext. The rings of Saturn amusement park.

Meteor Man- We got ourselves a winner! Here’s your prize little lady.

It’s stuffed, it’s black, it has pointy ears, yellow eyes, four legs and a tail. It’s not Salem but it sure looks like him.

Sabrina- Oh, er no thanks. One is more than enough.

Later. Hilda and Alec walk out of the ‘House of mirrors’ Hilda looks a little fed-up.

Alec- God, I love that place. Did you notice that even in the most distorted mirrors I still looked great?

Hilda- No, but I did notice that your head gets bigger.

Alec- (Clutching his head) Really?!

He snatches a bear bottle from a mans hand to check his reflection.

Hilda- Alec, I hate to talk about me for a moment, but do you ever think of anything other than how you look?

Alec- Certainly! Sometimes I think about how other people think I look.

Meanwhile, in another part of the park, Sabrina’s been having a blast. She has a stuffed green frog under one arm and a floating balloon tied to her other wrist. She finishes her choc-ice and tosses the wrapper towards a trash-can. It misses.

Sabrina- (To herself) You know, I can hurl a meteor all the way to earth but I can’t make a free-throw with a ‘Truro’ wrapper.

She bends down to pick up her rubbish but it’s speared by a litter-stick before she can reach it. A pair of blue overall clad legs stand beside her.

Katrina- No need, I got it.

Sabrina stands and finds herself in the house of mirrors... only not. The face that looks back at her is her own, only it lacks a certain lateral inversion quality. Plus Sabrina wouldn’t be seen out in public in blue overalls and a bright yellow waistcoat.

Sabrina- Katrina?!

Katrina- Your one and only evil twin.

Sabrina- I know, I never forget a face, especially when it’s mine. I thought you were locked up for eternity for pushing me into that volcano?

Katrina- I had a good lawyer... I’m still in jail, but I get a reduced sentence if I do community service. Did you gain weight?

Sabrina- You are so evil.

Katrina- Sorry, I might be nicer if I had your life.

Sabrina- Believe me, my life is not all fun and games.

Katrina takes in the stuffed frog and big red balloon with raised eyebrows.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Well maybe it is right now, but back at college I’ve got a room mate who’s giving me the cold shoulder, another one who’s trying to freeze me out and third one who’s getting all hot and heavy with this guy, Josh, I kinda like.

Katrina- Oh yeah? Well I’m sharing a filthy four by four cell with the most obnoxious piece of trailer-trash in the Other Realm. I’m sorry if I don’t seem sympathetic.

Sabrina- Look, I’ve gotta find my aunt Hilda and her boyfriend. It was a pleasure seeing you again Katrina.

Katrina- The pleasure was all yours.

As Sabrina turns away, Katrina moves. Her quick fingers slip into the pocket on the back of Sabrina’s shoulder bag and she quickly hides something as Sabrina turns back to her.

Sabrina- You know the worst thing a person can do is go through life being bitter. Maybe you should think about making some changes?

Katrina- I intend to, starting now.

Sabrina- Good luck Katrina. Bye.

She leaves.

Katrina- (To herself) Don’t you mean Sabrina?

She takes out the thing she’s hidden and opens it up. It has a picture of Sabrina with her name, nationality, sex, place of residence and the word ‘Passport’ Katrina cackles in true wicked witchly style.

Meanwhile, over by the meteor toss stall.

Alec- Oh what’s the matter Hildie, you seem out of sorts?

Hilda- You actually noticed?

Alec- No, the ticket taker at the ‘House of mirrors’ mentioned it.

Hilda- I want you to take me home right now Alec. (Looking around) There’s Sabrina. (Calling) Sabrina!

Katrina- Finally, I’ve been looking all over for you.

Hilda- Why are you wearing a maintenance uniform?

Katrina- I... won it at the ‘House of garbage’

Alec- Garbage? Oh I wonder if you could see yourself in the cans?

Hilda- Can-it, Doctor I-love-myself. Sabrina, I hate to spoil your fun but we’re going back to the mortal realm.

Katrina- No problem, that’s exactly where I wanna be. (Under her breath) So long Sabrina, have a nice eternity.

She cackles to herself as she follows Hilda and Alec.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The linen closet actives. Salem looks up from his Palm-Pilot as Katrina comes through first.

Katrina- Ah, home sweet home. Just like I imagined it... I mean remembered it. Ew, ugly cat.

Salem- Well that really hurt coming from someone in a maintenance uniform. Who wants to play ‘You don’t know Jack’? How about you boyfriend?

Hilda- Oh sorry Salem, Alec was just leaving.

Alec- Oh I’m in no hurry. (To Salem) Did I tell you I once played Jack in the national tour of ‘Jack and the beanstalk’? (Giant voice) Fee-Fie-Fo-...?

Salem- I believe the word you’re looking for is ‘Fum’

Zelda arrives.

Zelda- You’re early? (To Alec) I’m Zelda, you must be ‘The one’

She offers her hand.

Alec- (Kissing her hand) The one in your thoughts or the one in your dreams?

Hilda- Ew! Zelda, kitchen, now!

Ext. The rings of Saturn amusement park. Sabrina’s back at the meteor toss stall. She’s been chatting to the meteor man.

Sabrina- Well this has really been fun but I gotta get goin’.

Meteor Man- (Handing her a meteor) Take one of these as a souvenir. Oh and good luck with your problems back home.

Sabrina- Thanks. You know they probably weren’t as bad as I thought they were.

She zaps herself away.

Int. Other Realm passport control. Sabrina arrives,

Announcer- All travellers leaving the Other Realm, please have your passports ready and your luggage available for inspection.

She digs into her bag and hands over her passport.

Inspector- Whoa! Not so fast Blondie. I can’t let you leave the Other Realm, this passports no good.

Sabrina- Of course it’s good, I use it every time I come to the Other Realm, I’ve never been stopped before. Let me see that.

She takes it and looks at the familiar picture of herself but the name beside the picture is ‘Katrina Spellman’ And stamped across it in big red letters is ‘Do not allow into mortal realm’ She gasps in shock.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Why that evil little... twin! She switched passports on me! This is not my passport! My name is Sabrina, not Katrina! Do I look like an evil twin to you?

Inspector- I don’t know lady. I’m not a psychologist, I scan stuff.

Sabrina- Look, you’re making a big mistake!

Inspector- Arrive-derci baby.

He gives her a point and she’s gone.

Int. A filthy four by four cell in the Other Realm Penitentiary. Sabrina arrives wearing bright orange, prison issue coveralls with a stuffed green frog, a big red balloon tied to her wrist and a piece of space rock.

Sabrina- Okay, stay calm. Don’t panic.

She climbs up onto the hard, narrow, wooden bench that is her bed and grabs the steel bars of the small high window and panics.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Let me out o’ here!

Jezabelda- Save yer breath honey.

Sabrina looks round. In her fear she had somehow managed to miss the other bright orange occupant of the cell. The one with the mass of peroxide blonde, Dolly Paton hair and the southern drawl. But she is distinctly familiar.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda?

Jezabelda- No, her evil twin, Jezabelda. I’ve been visited with a pair of jumper cables and a family reunion tryin’ to get my sorry butt out o’ here. If they aint springin’ me, they sure aint springin’ you.

Sabrina- It’s amazing how much you look like my aunt Zelda.

Jezabelda- Shh! Bite yer tongue girlie. So tell me, how is that skinny legged little egg-head?

As she talks she stands and swaggers forward threateningly, backing Sabrina into a corner of the tiny cell. Jezabelda’s gotta a brand new toy.

Sabrina- Oh she’s fine. I’ll-I’ll-I’ll give her your best.

Int. Spellman kitchen.

Hilda- You were right Zelda, ‘The one’ is not the one.

Zelda- Then what is he still doing in our house?

Hilda- Probably admiring his reflection in a door knob. I tried to get rid of him but he wont take a hint.

Zelda- Well stop hinting, just go up there and tell him the truth.

Hilda- That he’s a self-centred, arrogant, ego-maniac and he doesn’t deserve a treasure like me?

Zelda- The first part sounded good.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Katrina comes out of Sabrina’s old bedroom having changed out of the maintenance uniform. Sabrina’s clothes fit perfectly.

Katrina- Okay, new outfit, new realm, I’m ready to do some evil.

Hilda comes upstairs.

Hilda- Sabrina, have you seen Alec?

Katrina- Oh he’s at your vanity, waxing his arm hair.

Hilda- Uph! I should have listened to you before.

Katrina- Of course you should have... What did I say?

Hilda- The last thing you wanted was for me to end up with someone who isn’t right for me, and this gut is so wrong.

Katrina- I said that was the last thing I’d want? Because I think you misinterpreted what I was saying.

Hilda- Then what were you saying?

Katrina- Well in a nut-shell, you’re over six hundred years old, you can’t afford to be picky. You should grab this guy before he drops you for a hot little five hundred year old.

Hilda- Sabrina, I can’t stand Alec, and even Zelda says that if I feel that way, I should get rid of him.

Katrina- Why do you think she said that? She wants him for herself!

Hilda- You think?

Katrina- I know.

Hilda- Well he is gorgeous.

Katrina- As Zelda said repeatedly.

Hilda- Oh that skinny legged little vamp! Thanks for tipping me off Sabrina, I owe you one.

Katrina- Anytime. Hey you know what? You could do me a favour right now. I sprained my finger on the tilter-whirl, could you send me back to college?

Hilda points and Katrina is gone in a puff of smoke.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s bedroom. Katrina arrives.

Katrina- Huh! So this is my room. (Rubbing her arms) It’s colder than my cell.

She spots that the window is open and goes to close it just as Miles sticks his head in.

Miles- This meteor shower’s unbelievable. Thanks for letting me run my cables through your window, you’re a real friend Sabrina.

The head disappears back outside.

Katrina- Well any friend of Sabrina’s is an enemy of mine.

She unplugs the cable and tosses it out the window before closing it.

Katrina- (Cont.) Ha-ha-ha! I’m so evil.

Miles knocks frantically on the window. Katrina stands with her back to him innocently chewing on a hang-nail.

Int. A filthy four by four cell in the Other Realm Penitentiary. Jezabelda’s stretched out on her cot watching Sabrina’s futile attempts to zap herself out of there.

Sabrina- Oh! No matter what I do, my magic just wont work!

Jezabelda- That’s why they call it prison honey. I’ll tell you what’s a crime, that Zelda gets to run wild while I’m locked up in here. I was the pretty one, I was the talented one, I was the one who was supposed to go places.

Sabrina- What happened?

Jezabelda- I was a bad, bad girl. I started a little thing called the bubonic plague.

Sabrina- (Horrified) That’s awful!

Jezabelda- (pleased) Thank you.

Sabrina- You know, that’s like one of the worst disasters in human history!

Jezabelda- Now you’re embarrassing me.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s room. Katrina is lying on Roxie’s bed reading as Roxie comes in.

Roxie- You’re lying on my bed, you know how I feel about you touching my stuff!

Katrina- Yeah, it’s right here in your diary, October third. The same entry where you admit you still suck your thumb.

Roxie- (Snatching her diary) Have you lost your mind?! This is my personal property!

Katrina- Oh well if you didn’t want me to read it then you shouldn’t have left it locked in that box underneath your mattress.

Miles enters.

Miles- Finally! I’ve been trying to get in this room for twenty minutes! Thanks to you unplugging my cables, I missed the best part of the meteor shower.

Roxie- At least she didn’t read your diary.

Miles- Sabrina, you’re acting so weird. This isn’t like you at all.

Roxie- How far in my diary did you get?

Katrina- Enough to know that you had a dream about Miles last night.

With a laugh, she leaves.

Miles- Really?

Roxie- (Embarrassed) Don’t get too excited, you were dead.

Int. College house. Katrina’s helping herself to hors d’ouerves when Morgan comes down stairs in a stunning off the shoulder, electric blue dress.

Morgan- Oh Sabrina, don’t eat those. They’re for my date with Josh.

Katrina- Josh?

Morgan- Yeah, he’ll be here any minute, I can’t wait. So, how’s my outfit?

Katrina- I don’t know, what are you gonna wear?

Morgan- This.

Katrina- Oh, I guess it’s a look.

Morgan- I’m changing.

She runs off upstairs just as the doorbell rings.

Morgan- (Calling back) Hey if that’s Josh, tell him I’ll be down in five minutes.

Katrina walks over to the window and takes a peek. She likes what she sees.

Katrina- My pleasure.

She opens the door.

Josh- Hey Sabrina, where’s Morgan?

Katrina- Morgan? Oh Morgan! Um yeah, you know she just got very sick and she told me she has to cancel.

Josh- Really? She seemed fine when I talked to her twenty minutes ago?

Katrina- Came on very suddenly.

Josh- Hm, well so much for dinner. I guess it’s me and my microwave tonight.

Katrina- Or... I could be your date.

With a bright smile she closes the door behind her, grabs his arm and sets off.

Ext. College house front porch.

Josh- Wait. Wait Sabrina, I thought you didn’t wanna go out with me?

Katrina- Why wouldn’t I wanna go out with someone as charming and handsome as you?

Josh- I have no idea.

She grabs him by his jacket and drags him off before Morgan can turn up and ruin it.

Int. Filthy four by four cell in the Other Realm Penitentiary.

Jezabelda- Listen, if I get that guard to spring you, will you promise to poison your aunt Zelda?

Sabrina- With what?... I mean no! There’s gotta be a way out o’ here.

She picks up the piece of meteor rock and looks up at the small barred window.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And I think I just found it.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem and his new buddy, Alec, sit on the settee watching ‘Another Realm’ They both speak along with his lines on the show.

Salem & Alec- (Together) Now listen and listen good nurse Wilson, no one dies on my watch.

Salem- Bravo! We make one heck of a team. Doctor Honeycut and his swarthy feline sidekick, Gustavo.

Zelda enters quietly watching the pair. Hilda comes in moments later with a tray of pop-corn.

Hilda- Alec, snack time.

Alec- (Eyes glued on himself) Shh-sh-sh!

Zelda- (To Hilda) What is that cretin still doing here?

Hilda- He’s our cat, he lives here.

Zelda- Not that cretin, the other one. I thought you were gonna dump him?

Hilda- You don’t fool me for a minute sister, I’m on to you. Sabrina told me about your plan to try to steal Alec.

Zelda- What?!

A piece of burning rock whistles past Hilda’s ear and lands on her tray. It’s flaming tail sputters out.

Hilda- Oh look! A meteor.

There’s a note stuck to it that miraculously... or more likely, magically survived the heat of re-entry.

Hilda- It’s a message from Sabrina. (Reading) ‘I’m trapped in the Other Realm, Katrina stole my passport and switched places with me. Zelda’s evil twin says ‘Hi y’all’’

Zelda- <Gasp!> She's trapped with Jezabelda! We’ve got to get Sabrina out of there.

Hilda- Wait a minute. If Sabrina’s back there, that means it was Katrina who told me I shouldn’t dump Al. (To Alec) Hey pretty-boy!

Salem- Not now, I’m watching here.

Hilda- Well watch what happens next. (To Alec) We’re breaking up.

Alec- (Standing) Oh a break-up scene! I love those. What’s my motivation?

Hilda- I hate you.

Alec- Perfect.

Hilda- Doctor Baker, you’re history. Stat!

She points. Alec vanishes in a puff of smoke.

Zelda- Now we’ve got to get Sabrina a new passport. Stat!

Hilda- And hope that Katrina hasn’t caused too much damage. Stat! (On Zelda’s look) I just like saying ‘Stat!’

Ext. College house front porch. Katrina arrives back from her date with Josh.

Katrina- Good night Josh.

She throws her arms about his neck and stretches up giving him a full-on kiss, with tongues. Is she evil or what? Then without a word, spins round and goes into the house leaving Josh stunned.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem’s been at work with his Palm-Pilot and Zelda checks out the results.

Zelda- (Reading) ‘Sabrina Spellman’ Perfect. This should get to the Other Realm in no time.

She puts the forged passport into the toaster and sets it on ‘no time’

Hilda- You’re a real whiz on the computer Salem.

Salem- Thanks to my new counterfeiting software. By the way, here’s the money I owe you.

He slides over a wad of fresh, crisp, new bills.

Int. College house. Morgan confronts Katrina.

Morgan- I can’t believe you stole my boyfriend!

Katrina- Well all’s fair in love and war... actually nothing’s fair in love and war, they should change that.

Morgan- You knew I had this special evening planned! What you did was just... plain evil!

Katrina- Well then my work is done... for tonight anyway.

Morgan- Sabrina, your going out with Josh was...

Katrina looks at the frozen Morgan with a frown.

Sabrina- Hello Katrina.

Katrina spins round to find her twin suddenly stood right behind her.

Katrina- Sabrina! How did you get out?

Sabrina- A little luck and a good fast-ball. Now hand over my passport.

Katrina- Never!

Sabrina- Wait a minute, I have my magic back.

She points and the passport swoops from Katrina’s back pocket into Sabrina hand.

Katrina- Drat!

Sabrina- It gets even worse. I spoke to your parole board and you’re going to be pining for the days you swept up gum wrappers. You’re in the big house for the long haul.

Katrina- You are so evil.

Sabrina- I learned from the best. Bye-bye.

She points again and Katrina is swept up in a swirl of sparkles and vanishes.

Int. Filthy four by four cell in the Other Realm Penitentiary. Jezabelda is treating her foot-fungus when her old cell-mate returns.

Jezabelda- Well-well-well, look what the cat dragged in.

Katrina- It’s horrible to see you too.

Jezabelda- Did you gain a little weight?

Katrina- Did your legs get skinnier?

Jezabelda- Is that a whisker comin’ out o’ your chin?

Katrina- Is that a chin coming out of your other chin?

Jezabelda- Lord I missed you girl.

Katrina- I missed you too.

They hug.

Int. College house. Sabrina stands before the frozen figure of Morgan.

Sabrina- It’s tempting to leave her this way but...

She points at Morgan.

Morgan- ...Truly, truly evil! (Noticing Sabrina’s different outfit) When did you change?

Sabrina- Oh, just now. I’m no longer evil.

Morgan- Anyway, if I thought for one second that you were interested in Josh, I never would have gone after him. Actually I would have but just slower.

Sabrina- Wait a minute, so you’re saying I went out with Josh?

Morgan- Don’t play innocent with me, I saw you kissing him on the porch!

Sabrina- I kissed him?! Oh Oh you thought that was a kiss? Ha! No, we were just... we were rehearsing... for a play... called... So I’m the worst liar in the world. Look Morgan, I’m really sorry, I-I had no idea what I was doing. I-I. Please forgive me?

Morgan- All right, I’ll forgive you for the Josh thing but what you said about my outfit... That is gonna take some time.

She goes upstairs to her room

Sabrina- Okay, one problem solved.

Roxie comes out of their room reading.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Next.

Roxie- (Reading) ‘Dear Diary, I’m really happy to be out of my aunts house and living on my own’

Sabrina- You’re reading my diary?

Roxie- I’m trying to but it’s hard to stay awake. You have an exceptionally dull life.

Sabrina- Let me guess, I read your diary so you’re reading mine and you’re trying to even the score.

Roxie- Unless this gets a lot better, we’re nowhere near even.

Sabrina- It doesn’t, Trust me. Nothing out of the ordinary ever happens to me. Look Roxie, I’m really sorry, I never should have invaded your privacy.

Sabrina- All I can say is if you ever mention September fifteenth to anybody, you’re dead.

She spins round and stomps back to their room.

Sabrina- (Calling after) It’s as if I never read it!

Ext. College house front porch. Miles struggles to untangle his cables. Sabrina comes out.

Sabrina- Miles, um I don’t know what I did to you but I’m sorry.

Miles- Sorry doesn’t cut it. When you unplugged my equipment, I missed the best part of the meteor shower and there wont be another one like it for a hundred and twenty-nine years!

Sabrina- Oh I don’t know about that. You know sometimes those people are a little off with their calculations.

She points at the sky, making sure Miles is still engrossed in his cables.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Look!

Miles looks up and sees the star spattered sky streaked with bright meteor tails.

Miles- I can’t believe it! I-I gotta get back up on the roof and film this!

He dashes off. Sabrina blows on the tip of her pointing finger with a smile.

Sabrina- (To herself) We’re baaack.

Int. Hilda’s coffee house. Sabrina enters and finds Josh.

Sabrina- Hey Josh, I just wanna apologise for last night.

Josh- For what?

Sabrina- I’m afraid I was sending you mixed messages.

Josh- I think the message was clear to both of us.

Sabrina- Yeah, I think so too. So what was the message you got?

Josh- I don’t know. The date, the kiss, everything, it just didn’t feel right. I mean it wasn’t just me, was it?

Sabrina- No, it wasn’t just you and it... definitely wasn’t me.

Josh- I think your first instinct was right on the money, we should just be friends.

Sabrina- Yeah, friends are good. You know, you can’t have too many friends. So... friends.

She holds out her hand and Josh gives it a friendly shake before getting back to work. Sabrina stands there with a forced smile feeling less than happy.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Just what I need, another friend.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The interrogation is relentless.

Zelda- Mothers maiden name?

Sabrina- Baker.

Hilda- Favourite dessert that doesn’t involve chocolate?

Sabrina- There isn’t one. How long is this gonna go on?

Zelda- Until we make absolutely sure that you are the real Sabrina.

Hilda- Say ‘Whoo-hoo’

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo!

Salem- Impostor! Je’accuse!

Sabrina- Back off fur-ball or I’m gonna tell aunt Zelda about the time I caught you in her lingerie drawer, trying on her lacy, red...

Salem- (Interrupting) It’s Sabrina!

Run credits.



Pic of the Week