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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

The Wild, Wild Witch

Written By - Sheldon Krasner & David Saling
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina/The Petulant Kid - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda/Miss Hildie - Caroline Rhea
Zelda/Frenchie - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey/Deputy Fizz - Nate Richert
Mr. Kraft/Sweet Will - Martin Mull
Mrs. Quick/Quickdraw - Mary Gross
Josh/Bartender - David Lascher
Jedediah - Richard Riehle
Customer #1 - Amy Landers
Customer #2 - Greg Poland

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman kitchen. The table is cluttered with paper. Zelda is engrossed and tapping away on a calculator. Hilda enters.

Hilda- Done yet?

Zelda- Done yet? Your books are an unmitigated disaster! I haven’t even begun.

Hilda- No hurry, take your time.

Zelda scowls over her glasses at her sister as Sabrina comes hurrying down stairs.

Sabrina- I’m late, I was up half the night planing the senior sleigh ride and now I can’t find my back-pack.

She looks under the table.

Zelda- (Pointing to the chair) It’s right here where you left it twelve hours ago. Which begs the question, did you do any homework?

Sabrina- Did I mention, I managed to book an entire team of Clydesdale’s and mulled cider?

Hilda- Sabrina, you know homework comes first... unless it’s something icky like book-keeping.

Sabrina- Come on, I’m eighteen, I can vote in two realms. I think I can be in charge of organising my own schedule.

Zelda- I’m sorry but if you live under our roof, you live under our rules... Oh lord, I’ve swallowed mother.

Sabrina- Fine!

She leaves in a huff.

Ext. back porch. Sabrina comes out and calls back.

Sabrina- (Calling back) Your stupid roof, your stupid rules!

She throws up her finger in anger and storms off.

Ext. 133 Collins Rd, Westbridge, MA 01970. It shudders as the roof is ripped physically from the house and tossed aside.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda look up as the kitchen becomes very open-plan, not to mention breezy and cold. They look up at the clouds skudding across the sky.

Zelda- Ah, the frigid wind of teen rebellion.

Hilda- Oh look! It’s the blimp.

Run opening credits

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Sabrina sits doing her homework while Harvey pours sugar into his glass of water.

Harvey- Everyone’s talking about how cool the sleigh rides gonna be.

Sabrina- Oh, it’s great but did anyone offer to do my calculus homework?

She watches him take a sip and then takes another sachet of sugar and add it to the glass.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You know sugar induced comas aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Harvey- Last night coach made a new rule. Only three sodas a week and I reached my quota before he finished talking.

Sabrina- I’m sure it was the carbonation he objected to.

Mrs. Quick enters. She spots Sabrina and comes straight over.

Mrs. Quick- Sabrina, there you are, I was getting worried. Do you have the article?

Sabrina- Almost, I just have to write it down.

Mrs. Quick- But the deadline is nine tonight. If you’re not ready I can always run that profile of our AFS student, Brindle.

Sabrina- No I have a great headline story. I’ll get it to you by press time, I promise.

Mrs. Quick- Well going against everything that I stand for and my gut... Okay.

She leaves.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) I’m working today at the coffee house, I’ll have all the time in the world to finish it.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. The queue is backed all the way to the door. Sabrina finishes serving a customer and takes his money over to the till where another waitress is standing.

Sabrina- Just my luck, everyone in Westbridge must have read the news item ‘Caffeine makes you live longer’

The waitress nods sympathetically as Sabrina heads back to the next customer.

Int. Spellman basement. Salem’s retreated there to hide the evidence.

Salem- (To himself) I either bury this sweater or learn how to knit. Bury.

He finds a patch of floor to start excavating the shredded sweaters last resting place. As he scratches at the ground he spots something.

Salem- (Cont.) What’s this? Sparkling, warm. Mother of mercy, it’s a flake of magic!

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. The customers just keep on coming. She hands the latest one an extra-large cup as Josh comes by.

Sabrina- One small French roast, seventy-five cents.

The customer pays and heads for a table.

Josh- What are you doing? You can’t just give stuff away.

Sabrina- Oh well he paid for the coffee, I just gave him some free foam. We’ve got lots.

Josh- Surprisingly businesses are very touchy about giving stuff away for free, you could get suspended.

Sabrina- Okay, I really don’t do it that often.

She turns back to the counter just as her fellow waitress starts to deal with the next customer.

Customer #1 (Pointing to Sabrina) No that’s okay, I’m going to wait for her.

Josh overhears. Sabrina knows josh has overheard and smiles sheepishly at him.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is showing off his find... and not mentioning the sweater.

Zelda- Salem, there is not a vein of magic running under the house. It’s probably just some left over magic dust from centuries of spells.

Hilda- She’s right, every spring-cleaning I’m covered with enough sparkle to skate with Oksana Baiul.

Zelda- Go ahead and use your little spark.

Salem- Stand back! I found magic through a legal route, help me get the rest of the loot!

The chip of magic expands to become a weather-worn man in weather-worn clothes of the west with a pick-axe over his shoulder.

Jedediah- Jedediah Orenstein, Magic prospector, at your service.

Salem- Yahoo! Let’s go dig for magic!

He leaps down from the counter and heads for the basement. Jedediah’s right behind him.

Zelda- I would have bet money that he would have conjured up a snow-cone machine.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina is trying to scribble out her newspaper story between taking orders. She passes Josh who is sticking a flyer up by the door. He turns to her.

Josh- Hey, we’re screening ‘The Godfather’ here tonight, you comin’?

Sabrina- Oh well, (Imitating Marlon Brando) That is an offer I can’t refuse.

Josh- Oh I didn’t know you could do Cary Grant. It starts at nine.

Sabrina- Oh but my curfews at ten!

Josh- Ha-ha! Oh man, a curfew, that’s cute.

Sabrina- Hey yeah, it’s part of my deal with my parole officer.

Int. Spellman living room.

Sabrina- Pleeease! Just extend it to eleven-thirty?

Hilda- You blew the roof off this morning.

Sabrina- It was a joke!

Zelda- And we already extended your curfew for the sleigh ride.

Sabrina- Fine, I’ll just watch enough of ‘The Godfather’ to think it’s a feel-good movie.

She leaves in a huff.

Zelda- (To Hilda) I know it was a long long time ago, but were we rebellious teens?

Hilda- No way! We were too busy gathering posies to ward off the plague.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. The lights are off, the projector is on and the place is packed with college guys... except for Sabrina and Harvey who have a settee to themselves at the front. Sabrina sits with her notebook in her lap writing her article and only glancing up at the screen occasionally.

Harvey- Are you gonna write your article and do your homework during the movie?

Sabrina- Yeah, how distracting can a Mafia family be?

A Tommy gun opens up on screen. Sabrina’s head snaps up watching.

Int. Spellman basement. Jedediah’s doing all the digging while Salem pans for magic.

Salem- Nothin’ but dirt!

Jedediah- You gotta have patience. I remember, back in the magic rush of fourteen fourteen, it took weeks before I struck it rich.

Salem- What happened to all your magic?

Jedediah- Typical story. Race horses, show girls, Mah-jong.

His shovel strikes something in the hole. He puts it down and picks up the pick-axe.

Jedediah- (Cont.) Salem, I think we struck...

He swings the pick. There’s a clank and a jet of dirty brown liquid squirts out all over Salem.

Salem- <Pt’urgh!> A sewage line! (Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!) I should have gotten a snow-cone machine.(Sob! Sob!)

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda sits back pleased.

Zelda- Finally! I have brought order to the chaos of Hilda’s clock shop.

Hilda enters loaded down with boxes of papers. She dumps them in front of Zelda.

Hilda- I found these under my bed.

Zelda- Oh great! More receipts...! And a sock?

Hilda takes the little pink sock from her.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. The film is still playing and Harvey’s knocking back the sugar-water and looking wide eyed and hyper. Sabrina sits glued to the screen with her mouth agape. Her pencil hangs loose in her fingers. Apperantly a Mafia family can be very distracting.

Harvey- Coach was right, I never felt more alive since I switched to water.

His comment snaps her attention away from the screen and back to her work.

Sabrina- Oh! I haven’t even finished a paragraph.

Harvey- We’ve been here for two hours! Maybe some water would help?

Sabrina- Two hours?! It’s after ten! I’m dead!

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda’s on the phone with a very cross Zelda beside her.

Hilda- You’re dead! Get home now! No more excuses!

She switches off the phone and points. Sabrina, the public phone at the end of Water Street and the telephone pole it’s connected two suddenly appear in the living room. Sabrina is as yet unaware of her sudden displacement.

Sabrina- (Into the phone) But...!

She stops. Looks around her, then at her aunts before hanging up the phone.

Zelda- Besides breaking curfew, there’s another little matter.

She hits the play-back button on the answer machine.

Mrs. Quick- (Pleasant) Hello, this is Mrs. Quick. I have a message for Sabrina. (Furious) Where the blue blazes is your article! (Pleasant) Sorry to disturb you at home.

Sabrina- Well I have one thing to say about Mrs. Quick.

She lifts her hand and makes a drinking gesture which is more of a mime than actually saying anything but the meaning is clear.

Hilda- I’m guessing you haven’t done your homework?

Sabrina- No, I was going to right after I got home. I mean, right after I typed up my article.

Zelda- Sabrina! Hilda is right, you’re dead. You are grounded for a week.

Sabrina- But...!

Hilda- (To Zelda) That means no sleigh ride?

Zelda glares at her.

Hilda- (Cont.) (To Sabrina) No sleigh ride. (To Zelda) Really?

Zelda glares at her harder.

Sabrina- Oh come on, I’m just hurting myself here?

Zelda just shakes her head.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Urgh! I’m really starting to hate rules.

She goes off to her room totally dejected.

Hilda- (To Zelda) No sleigh ride?!

Zelda- Do you really think I like being the disciplinarian?

Hilda- Kind of.

Zelda- Well for your information, I would much rather be out singing... and dancing.

She leaves for the kitchen waving her arms.

Hilda- (Under her breath) With William Bennett... and George Will.

She follows after her sister but not before checking the public phone for change. She leaves, a dime richer.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina puts her books in her locker while giving a wide eyed Harvey the bad news.

Harvey- I can’t believe you can’t go on the sleigh ride. I was up half the night ‘cause I was so excited.

Sabrina- You were up half the night because you were amped up on sugar. You’d better be careful, if that stuff wears off you could...

Harvey slumps against the locker with a thump. He’s fast asleep on his feet.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...crash.

With a sigh she closes her locker door but finds someone lying in wait behind it.

Mrs. Quick- Well thank you very much!

She holds up a copy of ‘The Westbridge Lantern’ that has a big blank space on it’s front page.

Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) And the Grindle story came with photos!

She storms off in disgust.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Mrs. Quick, wait!

She doesn’t and Sabrina can’t follow after because Harvey chooses that moment to start sliding down the locker and Mr. Kraft to arrive with his detention slips.

Mr. Kraft- (Writing) Loitering...

He glances down at Harvey asleep on the floor.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) ...and Littering.

He writes her up, hands it over and leaves.

Int. Spellman basement. Jedediah’s still hard at work with Salem watching. Exhausted, he takes a break.

Jedediah- I swear this claim is drier than Makin County on a Sunday mornin’

Salem- Just keep diggin’ sour-dough breath.

Jedediah- You know I’m gettin’ plum tired of takin’ orders from a talkin’ gerbil who’s got more fleas than brains!

Salem- Hoo-hoo! Says the uncle who hasn’t bathed since the McKinley administration.

Jedediah- (Grabbing Salem by the throat) Why you!

Salem- (Leaping at Jedediah) You’re goin’ down.

They roll about on the floor for a moment before Jedediah throws Salem off and into the hole he’s dug. The ground beneath them begins to rumble and vibrate. Salem leaps back out of the hole with a warning.

Salem- More sewage!

But only if sewage is gold and sparkly. It erupts out of the hole like a fountain of light.

Salem- It’s magic!

Jedediah- We’re rich! We’re rich!

Salem- We struck magic!

Jedediah resumes his strangling of Salem.

Jedediah- I’ll get you!

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina pours out her woes to her fellow waitress.

Sabrina- So I can’t go on the sleigh ride, I’m grounded for a week, I’ve totally screwed up the paper and my favourite teachers mad at me.

Josh comes by behind them just as a customer arrives at the counter with his coffee.

Customer #2- Excuse me. This is a little bland, could I get an extra shot of vanilla?

Sabrina- Oh yeah, sure.

He goes away with his extra vanilla while Josh shakes his head.

Sabrina- (To waitress) Anyway, on the positive side, at least thing can’t get any worse.

Josh- Sabrina, you cannot give away free syrup! I can’t believe I have to say this but you’re suspended.

He leaves.

Sabrina- (To waitress) Take my advice. Never ever ever say things can’t get worse.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Jedediah is on his way to the linen closet with yet another barrow load of magic as Sabrina comes up stairs looking miserable.

Jedediah- Why you look gloomier than a one legged dog at a tap dance society?

Sabrina- Well thanks to everyone’s rules I’m stuck in my room, I’ve lost my job and I’m being compared to a crippled canine. I just wanna be in charge of my own life!

Jedediah- Well it sounds like you need to go to a place where you get to make the rules.

Sabrina- Yeah, but I’m too old for chunky-cheese and I can’t afford my own island.

She turns and enters her room.

Jedediah- (Under his breath) I know a place for you to go.

He takes a handful of his magic dust and tosses it over her.

Ext. Wild Westbridge. A one horse western town. Sabrina walks out of the hardware store still trailing sparkly bits of magic. She’s wearing a stetson, neckerchief, western shirt, brown waistcoat, beige jeans held up with a leather belt with a large buckle and buckskin chaps. She looks around the dusty little town as cowboys ride past on their horses and a buckboard trundles down the street.

Sabrina- I’m almost positive this isn’t my room.

She saunters down the street past the livery stable and watches homesteaders loading up their wagon.

Sabrina- (Cont.) So this is the old coots idea of an ideal vacation. I guess he couldn’t book me at club med, Rwanda.

She dodges a tumbling tumble-weed as the sheriff comes striding out of the sheriffs office.

Frenchie- (To herself) We’ll see how they like it when they don’t have somebody to enforce the law. I swear the first person I run into...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Aunt Zelda?

Frenchie looks Sabrina up and down. Takes off her star and sticks it in her niece.

Frenchie- Congratulations, you’re the new sheriff.

Sabrina- Aw!

Frenchie- I’m sick of being the boss, it’s up to you now. Good luck.

Sabrina- With what? The job or cauterising the wound?

Frenchie- Now I can do what I’ve always wanted to do. Rise to the highest position a woman can rise to. Dance hall girl! Call me Frenchie.

Smiling she heads off to the saloon. Sabrina shrugs and follows her.

Int. Hildie’s Saloon. Sabrina comes through the swinging half-doors.

Sabrina- Aunt... Frenchie?

Rough and tough cow-pokes look round from the table and bar at the stranger with the badge.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Howdy pard’ners.

Miss Hildie- Simmer down everyone. Go back to your bridge games, it’s just the new sheriff.

Sabrina looks the woman up and down. She has her blonde hair up and is wearing a blue satin dress with a bustle.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda?

Miss Hildie- Miss Hildie, I own the place. Welcome to the wild west.

Sabrina- It looks more like the sedate west.

Miss Hildie- Well we try to live by a few simple guidelines.

She shows Sabrina the list of rules currently in force. The writing starts off big enough but becomes smaller and smaller until it reaches the bottom. It reads.

1. No spitting.
2. No cheating.
3. No stealing chickens.
4. No shotgun weddings.
5. No shooting the piano player.
6. No shooting the dancing girls.
7. No loud announcements.
8. No gambling during the day.
9. No kidnapping the farmer’s daughter.
10. No standing on chairs.

The list goes on and on and on.

Sabrina- Wow! That’s a lot o' rules. No water before ten a.m.?

Miss Hildie- We only have one bathroom. Oh. (Calling out) Excuse me! Who coughed without covering their mouth? Look up number fifty-two!

She leaves to reprimand the villain.

Sabrina- Wait!

She sets off to follow but is intercepted by someone looking very like Harvey in a ten gallon hat.

Deputy Fizz- You think that water rule is tough, you should see number one forty-three. No sarsaparilla... ever.

Sabrina- And yet there’s no rule about silly hats?

Deputy Fizz- Now I’m deputy Fizz and if there’s anything you need for me to do just...

He sees a man signal him from the doorway.

Deputy Fizz- Oh it’s my turn for the bathroom!

He tips his silly hat and dashes away.

Sabrina- Can someone please explain to me what’s going on here?

A woman wearing a shade turns round on her stool at the bar.

Quickdraw- Quickdraw’s the name, editin’s my game. I know everything there is to know about this town.

She turns back to the bar.

Sabrina- Thanks, you’ve been a big help.

The woman turns round again.

Quickdraw- All you need to know is it’s your job to enforce the rules, and you make all the rules.

Sabrina- Oh, well in that case...

She climbs up onto a chair. The bartender wraps on the bar.

Bartender- Hey! No standing on chairs!

Sabrina- Josh?

Bartender- Don’t know him. You could check the bathroom.

Sabrina- Never mind. (Calling out) As sheriff, I’m adding a new rule to the list.

Miss Hildie- Of course you are. Ten seconds and the power goes straight to their head.

Sabrina- The new rule is, there are no rules.

Everybody cheers and slaps their partners on the back.

Miss Hildie- How about a song Frenchie?!

The piano strikes up and Frenchie comes in swishing her skirts and singing.

Frenchie- (Singing) The Camptown ladies sing this song. Doo-da Doo-da....

Sabrina- And er... the sarsaparillas are on the house!

Another cheer.

Deputy Fizz- Sheriff, I think I love you.

He helps her down from her chair and gives her a kiss.

Sabrina- I think I’m gonna like this place.

Later. The wild wild west plays over the following. Frenchie and Sabrina kick their legs up Paris style while Miss Hildie and the boys play a little high stakes Texas hold’em. Sabrina gets down from the stage and looks at Miss Hildie’s hand. A pair of nine’s. She urges her to bet the lot. Miss Hildie does and loses to four aces.

At the bar, the barman slides a sarsaparilla down the bar to deputy Fizz. He slides another one down to Sabrina with a straw. She takes it and turns sipping as Quickdraw comes running in brandishing her sharpest scissors. She gets a cheer as she runs through the saloon. The music fades.

Ext. Wild Westbridge main street. Happy, cheering townsfolk carry Sheriff Sabrina out of the saloon on their shoulders.

Deputy Fizz- Three cheers for the new sheriff!

Townsfolk- Hurray!

Sabrina- I love this town and I love all you people.

A wagon comes into town driven at full speed by squint eyed Saberhagen.

Salem- Troubles comin’! Troubles comin’!

He pulls up by the saloon.

Sabrina- What?

Salem- The Petulant Kid.

Everyone dives for cover, dropping Sabrina in their rush.

Salem- (Cont.) On the next train. It’s due in one hour.

Sabrina glances up at the towns clock. It’s broken and hanging from the wall.

Sabrina- Well I guess that’s what happens when they cut local taxes. Well who is this Petulant Kid?

The townsfolk, who had slowly been creeping out of their hiding places, dive for cover once more.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Why do you keep doing that when I say ‘Petulant Kid’?

They do it again.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Knock it off!

The bartender sticks his head out of the saloon door.

Bartender- Hey! The sheriff will handle this. Does anybody wanna go play with matches?

Townsfolk- Yeah!

They all troop back into the saloon.

Sabrina- Wait a minute! What’s going on?

Quickdraw- Forget it. My days of spitting out information on demand are over. This is your problem now. (Calling into the saloon) Dibs on the lighter fluid!

Sabrina- All right, but why is everyone so worried about this kid?

Salem- Oh boy.

He chucks the rains and gets out of dodge.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Thanks! (To herself) Wait a minute, Billy the Kid, the Sundance Kid. Huh, hopefully I’m just jumpin’ to conclusions. I’ll check the wanted posters in the sheriff’s office.

Int. Sheriff’s office. Sabrina enters and looks at the posters on the wall. One of the cells isn’t empty.

Sweet Will- Excuse me miss, do you know how many years I have left on my sentence?

Sabrina- Mr. Kraft?

Sweet Will- No, they call me Sweet Will.

Sabrina- Let me guess. You run the local schoolhouse and you’re locked up for torturing high schoolers?

Sweet Will- No. No, I blocked an alley with my chuck wagon.

Sabrina- And...?

Sweet Will- And got caught.

Sabrina- You know, I finally get awful Mr. Kraft behind bars and he turns out to be the nicest guy in town.

Sweet Will- Ha, so everyone says.

Sabrina- Well you know, blocking an alley with a chuck wagon’s up there with er giving an extra shot of vanilla.

Sweet Will- Yes.

Sabrina gets the keys from the desk and lets him out.

Sweet Will- (Cont.) Oh may your life be filled with happiness.

Sabrina- Oh well maybe they should call you Saccharin Will.

Sweet Will- Ho well.

Sabrina- Hey, by any chance, do you know anything about the er Petulant...?

Sweet Will is out the door and looking for cover before she can finish her question.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, that is getting really annoying.

Salem comes running through the open door, past Sabrina, through the bars of the cell and onto the bed.

Salem- Lock me up please! I’m terrified of The Petulant Kid!

Sabrina- You have five seconds to tell me about this kid or you’re a tennis racket. Five. Four.

Salem- The meanest, orneriest, no good nick this side of the Rio Grand. The Petulant Kid’s goal is to destroy authoritay, and since you’re the authoritay... Well you can do the math.

Sabrina- But I don’t want to be the authoritay.

She takes off the badge... but it jumps straight back on. She tries again with the same results. She can’t get rid of the badge.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Wait a minute, there’s only one of him and dozens of us. I’ll just get everyone to help.

Int. Hildie’s Saloon. Sabrina’s again up on a chair, this time without breaking a rule, and giving a rousing speech to the townsfolk.

Sabrina- ...So I say one for all and all for one. Are you with me?!

Miss Hildie- No way!

This sums up the general feeling as they all get back to what they were doing before being so rudely interrupted. The piano strikes up.

Frenchie- (Singing) As he was walkin’ down the street.
Down the street.
Down the street.
A pretty little lady he chanced to meet
and they danced by the light of the moon.

Sabrina retreats to the bar where deputy Fizz is knocking back the pop. A train whistle blows in the distance.

Sabrina- Is that the train?

Miss Hildie- No, that’s the whistle that tells us the train is gonna be here in fifteen minutes.

Sabrina- (To herself) Well I guess there’s only one thing left to do. Beg!

Later

Sabrina- Pleeeease?!

Frenchie- (Rubbing her sore feet) Sorry, I would like to help you but my feet are killin’ me from all that dancin’ Oh why did we get rid of that no can-canin’ rule?

Later

Miss Hildie- Find another sucker! Since poker playin’ became legal again, I lost my saloon and I am not leavin’ this table until I win it back. Now the cards with the people on them are the good ones right?

Later.

Bartender- (With his arm in a sling) Sorry, I can’t help you. My shoulders sore from shootin’ all those sarsaparillas down the bar. I’ve only got one good shoulder left.

Sabrina- I understand.

She gives him a friendly punch on his good shoulder. Later.

Deputy Fizz- Course I’ll help ya sheriff. It’s my duty and after all those sugary sodas, I’ve got lots of energy.

Sabrina- Finally. Thanks.

He puts down his empty cup and stands up... then collapses into a sleeping lump in the sawdust. The train whistle blows.

Bartender- Trains here!

He ducks down behind his bar.

Sabrina- (To herself) The Petulant Kid! Okay, what am I gonna do? In the face of danger, I’ll just stand up and... Run!

She runs from the saloon.

Ext. Wild Westbridge main street. She comes out of, what used to be, Hildie’s Saloon and looks up and down the street. She sees just what she needs and takes a running jump, leapfrogging into the saddle of the horse. She grabs the rains, digs her heals in and... goes nowhere.

Sabrina- Giddy-up! Trot! Amble? Any forward motion would be fine.

The horse whinnies.

Translation- You got rid of the rule that says I have to go.

Sabrina climbs down from the horse.

Sabrina- Just you wait, there’s a little thing coming called the internal combustion engine.

Salem- (Calling from the sheriff’s office) Oh boy! Look out sheriff, it’s The Pe-etulant Kid!

Faces appear at every window in town.

Sabrina- Okay people. Now, is when you dive for cover.

The Petulant Kid- Hey! I hear you’re the new authoritay in town?

The Petulant Kid looks very familiar. Petite, cute, blonde. Now where have we seen that before?

Sabrina- Okay, I get it. I’m The Petulant Kid. How ironic. Oh I’m my own worst enemy, can I go home now?

The only difference between them is that like all good bad guys, The Petulant Kid is dressed all in black.

The Petulant Kid- At the count of three we draw.

Sabrina- O-oh. Not armed; deals off.

Frenchie- Sheriff! Catch!

She throws Sabrina a belt and holster.

Sabrina- Oh now you decide to be useful?

She pulls the weapon from the holster but a Smith & Wesson it isn’t. The handle and trigger are like any other handgun but instead of a barrel it has a hand with a pointing finger.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh, a weapon with bad cuticles.

The Petulant Kid- Dance!

Sabrina- Me? No thanks, maybe later.

The Kid draws and fires. Magical bolts flash around Sabrina’s feet making her skip from one foot to the other.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Or now’s good.

Sabrina fire back but it might have helped if she hadn’t closed her eyes first. Her shot hits a water barrel.

The Petulant Kid- (Looking at the leaking barrel) This is gonna be fun. On the count of three. One. Two...

Sabrina- Three!

She turns and runs. The Kid fires, shooting Sabrina’s hat from her head.

The Petulant Kid- I love when they run. Makes it sportin’

She walks after Sabrina.

Int. Sheriff’s office. Sabrina runs in breathless.

Sabrina- The Petulant Kid is after me, where can I hide?

Salem- Don’t worry, I know exactly what to say to the kid.

The door is kicked open and the kid enters.

Salem- (Cont.) Take her! Take her! Spare me!

Sabrina- Oh you manage to annoy me in every genre.

She dives for the back door as the kid raises her finger. The shot singes her trailing hair. The kid follows.

Salem- (To himself) Well that worked out very nicely.

Ext. Wild Westbridge main street. Sabrina is running for her life. She sees her chance.

Sabrina- Perfect! An escape!

She ducks into the alley but the way is blocked by Sweet Will’s chuck wagon.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh I don’t believe this! There should be a law against blocking this alley with a chuck wagon!

She hears footsteps behind her and turns. She’s looking down the finger of the kids gun.

Sabrina- (Cont.) This is kinda awkward.

The Petulant Kid- Any last words?

Sabrina- Yeah, I have a couple. Er well the world needs rules to provide order to protect us from ourselves or life would be like a lawless chaotic frontier town.

The Petulant Kid- Done?

Sabrina- Yeah, I was kinda hopin’ that would end the spell.

The Petulant Kid- Wrong.

She fires at point blank range. It’s impossible to miss. Sabrina is dead.

The Petulant Kid- (Cont.) Dang blast it! I’m out of ammo!

Sabrina opens her eyes and a smile spreads across her face.

Sabrina- Really? Well I’m gonna count to three.

The Petulant Kid turns and runs away. She jumps on a horse and high tails it out of town.

Sabrina- (To herself) That’s not her horse but... I’ll let it go.

The townsfolk come out onto the street and cheer as the kids dust begins to settle. Sabrina walks back to the saloon.

Sabrina- Well this is no longer a lawless town. As sheriff, I am reinstating all the rules.

The townsfolk cheer as one... except Frenchie.

Frenchie- Hey-hey-hey! No spontaneity without written permission.

Sabrina- Okay, maybe not all the rules.

The townsfolk cheer, Frenchie included.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina relates her adventure to her aunts.

Sabrina- (Pointing at Hilda) And you were there... (Pointing at Zelda) and you were there... (Pointing at Jedediah) and you... where the heck where you? You I could o’ used.

Zelda- Sabrina, having you confront your petulant self was our idea but we got Jedediah to help us.

Hilda- He’s very good at this particular spell.

Jedediah- Here.

He hands her his card.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Prospector. Teen rebellion squelcher. Moil’?

Jedediah- You’ve gotta diversify.

Sabrina- Well I certainly learned my lesson. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to the coffee house and try to grovel for my job.

Zelda- If you don’t get it, come straight home. You’re still grounded.

Sabrina- (stamping her foot) I can’t wait for college!

She leaves.

Hilda- (To Zelda) Once again you have blurred the line between civility and a police state.

Zelda scowls and points at Hilda.

Int. Wild Westbridge. Sheriff’s office. Hilda materialises in the jail cell.

Hilda- (Calling) Very funny!

Sweet Will- Hi, could you scratch my back?

Hilda- (Screaming) ZELDA!!!

Int. Spellman upstairs landing.

Salem- Okay Jed, now that we’ve mined all the magic, let’s divvy it up.

Jedediah- Er about that. It’s gone.

Salem- Gone? As in you’re a dead man?

Jedediah- Well I used it all on that big old spell for Sabrina.

Salem- Sabrina? My magic went to Sabrina? Well that’s fair, I mean I’ve already got magic... No, that’s Sabrina, but I’m a biped... No, that’s Sabrina, but I can drive...! No! I’ve done it again! That’s Sabrina! (Sob! Sob! Sob!)

Zelda- I know what’ll make you feel better.

She points and magics up a snow-cone machine.

Salem- I don’t need your pity, or your... <Gasp!> Cherry! My favourite!

Run credits over brown and white stills from Wild Westbridge.



Pic of the Week