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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Love In Bloom

Written By - Dan Berendsen
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Josh - David Lascher
Marnie - Essence Atkins
Daniel Boone - Matt Battaglia
Roland - Phil Fondacaro
Customer - Zach Selwyn

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman kitchen. Breakfast time. Sabrina’s making a list while her aunts are getting the scrambled eggs together.

Sabrina- I can't figure out an original gift to get Harvey for Valentine's Day. Cologne he’ll never use, a red sweater he’ll never wear, a teddy bear holding a sign that says ‘I heart you’

Hilda- It’s not easy coming up with something that’s masculine, romantic and red.

Salem- Unless it’s salmon. Nothing says love like things that swim up-stream.

The toaster pings and Zelda retreaves the Other Realm mail.

Zelda- Oh I can’t believe this finally came. Oh Sabrina, here is the perfect gift for Harvey. A certificate for a special gondola ride through the milkyway.

Sabrina- I wonder which would be harder to explain? The flying gondola or the fact that I actually know a good burger joint on that side of the galaxy?

Zelda- Oh don’t worry, a mortal wont remember the ride but will be filled with a special feeling of love.

Salem- Like he’s just sated himself on forty pounds of Coho.

Hilda- I remember when you sent away for this. You were completely gaga over some mortal.

Zelda- (Smiling) Hmm. Ulysses S. Grant.

Hilda- Oh that’s right. Good old Ully, whatever happened to him?

Zelda- He got old and died.

Sabrina- I can’t believe you waited a hundred years for this. Nothings worth waiting... Hey it’s got a coupon for free chocolates!

She dashes over to the toaster and pops the coupon in. She doesn’t have to wait this time as it starts to rain. Everyone covers their heads and within moments the floor, counter, table, everything is awash in the chocolatey goodness of continental surprise assortment.

Sabrina- Well I know what I’m having for dinner.

Salem- But I don’t think I’ll redeem that ‘free anvil’ coupon.

He dives nose first into his chocolate filled cat bowl.

Salem- (Cont.) Mmm Yomp! Yomp! Yomp!

Run Opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The chocolates are cleared away and Zelda does the same for the scrambled eggs. Sabrina sits with the Gondola ride certificate.

Sabrina- Harvey is gonna love this magic gondola ride. I just hope he didn’t get me the same thing.

Zelda hears something and goes to the window. On a bare branch of a tree sits a little robin singing it’s heart out.

Zelda- Ah, the first robin of spring.

Salem- That’s him! Devil bird! The miserable little magpie has been keeping me up all night with his incessant chirping. He must be stopped!

Sabrina- Oh, if only we had a house cat to rid us of this terrible plague.

Salem- You’re right! What kind of feline am I? Bird! Prepare to be Salem-ated.

He jumps down from the table and heads for the cat-door.

Zelda- Sabrina, what if he actually catches that poor defenceless bird?

Salem- A little help?

They look down and see his rear end jammed under the cat-door flap.

Salem- (Cont.) Oh boy.

Zelda- Never mind.

Sabrina bends down and gives him a shove to get him through.

Zelda- I think we should down-play Valentine's Day around Hilda, I just felt so sorry for her this morning. I mean you have Harvey and I have Willard.

Sabrina- If it’s any consolation, I think she feels worse for you.

Zelda- She’s been so depressed since she had to send Daniel Boone back. Now she just spends her days moping around the attic.

Int. Spellman Attic. Hilda sits round the campfire roasting marshmallows with Daniel Boone.

Hilda- So you really never had an Indian friend named Mingo?

Daniel- No ma’am, there isn’t much companionship in the wild. Believe me, when a tree falls in the forest, I hear it.

Hilda- Well you can stay here as long as you like. I mean until we get bored of each other... or my sister finds out.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda’s working on her laptop when Sabrina comes in with the mail.

Sabrina- Look at this. It’s just addressed to my Valentine.

She takes the card from the envelope and opens it.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And it’s not signed! (Reading) ‘Dear Valentine, I wish I could express in words how truly special you are to me’ <Sigh> Harvey can be so sweet.

Zelda- Sabrina, clearly this was written by a worldly, sophisticated, mature man. My Monkey.

Sabrina- Come on, this has ‘love-sick adolescent’ written all over it.

The love-sick adolescent enters through the back door.

Harvey- Hey good morning, I thought I could walk you to work.

Sabrina dashes round the table and throws her arms around his neck for a hug.

Sabrina- Thank you for my Valentine.

Harvey- Valentine? I didn’t send you a Valentine.

He suddenly realises as Zelda smugly takes the card from Sabrina’s hand. Harvey tries to recover the situation by reaching into his pocket.

Harvey- (Cont.) But I did get you er this stick of gum. It’s sugarless and er... this watch.

He takes off his watch and slips it on Sabrina’s wrist.

Sabrina- Okay, before I have to thank you for your high-tops, Valentine’s Day isn’t until Monday.

Harvey- (Taking back his watch) I knew that. Erm I can’t walk you to work because I have to go to the mall and... get them to gift wrap the stuff I already got you.

Harvey leaves in a hurry as Zelda finishes up on the phone.

Zelda- (Down phone) Oh Monkey, I’m so sorry you’re sick... Drink fluids, I love you.

She hangs up the phone.

Zelda- (Cont.) He’s got a cold and he’s got no idea it’s Valentine’s Day.

Sabrina- Well if Harvey didn’t send it and Mr. Kraft didn’t send it then... it must have been sent for aunt Hilda!

Zelda- Sabrina, you’re right and it couldn’t have come at a better time.

Neither could Hilda. She whistles merrily as she skips down the stairs and heads for the refrigerator.

Hilda- Do we still have any of that venison left?

Zelda- (Aside to Sabrina) It’s a wonder she can get up in the morning.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, look what came for you in the mail. An anonymous Valentine from some secret admirer.

Hilda- Couldn’t be for me. I’ll be up in the attic... making sure our wiring is up to code.

She heads back upstairs with her snacks and the Valentine card.

Zelda- (To Sabrina) She is breaking my heart.

Int. Spellman attic.

Hilda- Relax, I don’t want your powder pouch or your char of tobaccy. Valentine’s Day isn’t until Monday.

Daniel- Good ‘cause I’m fixin’ to make ya a nice fur cap. If I could just trap me that pesky, black varmint I see scurrying around here.

Hilda- That’s our family pet. So if you’re thinking of trapping him... He loves peanut butter.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The pesky vamint is trying to take a nap on Sabrina’s bed but that other pesky varmint’s incessant twittering outside her window is keeping him awake.

Salem- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Why must you keep tormenting me?

Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- I’ve got bad news, that insane voice in your head is you.

Salem- No, it’s that bird. I know he’s taunting me. If I could just understand what he’s saying.

Sabrina points at the bird.

Robin- Hey everybody, look at this pathetic tub of fur who couldn’t catch a bird if his life depended on it.

Salem- Now it’s personal.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina serves a customer.

Sabrina- One double vanilla latte with a dash of cinnamon to kick it up a notch.

Customer- Thanks but who needs cinnamon when I’ve got your smile.

The customer goes to his seat leaving Sabrina smiling as she rings up the till.

Marnie- The number one perk about this job, besides the low pay and bad hours, is getting to flirt with every cute guy in Westbridge.

Sabrina- Hey, an anonymous Valentine showed up at our house today. Maybe it’s from one of these guys?

Marnie- You got an anonymous Valentine? The girl with the devoted boyfriend also gets the secret admirer? And they say life isn’t fair.

Josh comes through from the back with a tray.

Josh- We’re out of fat-free muffins so push these calcium rich cheese Danish. (To Sabrina) So any big plans for er Valentine’s Day?

Sabrina- Gondola... rific day out with Harvey! Nothing special.

Marnie- Well it appears our Sabrina may have a secret admirer.

Josh- Oh really? Any ideas?

Sabrina- Oh well, like any secret admirer, he prefers to remain anonymous.

She goes to the cappuccino machine and hiccups. Small translucent, pink, heart shaped bubbles come from her mouth. She quickly pops them with her finger before anyone notices.

Josh- Are you okay?

Sabrina- Oh Gotta stop wolfing down those pickled eggs.

She clamps her hand over her mouth as though she’s about to barf and runs into the back.

Josh- (To Marnie) Cute and she eats like a trucker.

He goes to buz some tables.

Marnie- (To herself) Apperantly, if you’re in love with someone, even their involuntary muscle contractions are endearing.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Daniel has caught up with the pesky varmint and have become best pals. He gives Salem lessons on the art of hunting.

Daniel- There are lots of ways of trapping a bird. The simplest is the box and the piece of string method.

He has it set up on the table. A large cardboard box propped up with a twig. The string runs from the twig to Daniel’s hands. Salem lies under the box studying the complex mechanism.

Salem- Ha-ha-ha! Now what animal would be slow enough to get cau...

Daniel pulls on the string.

Salem- (Cont.) ...Whoa! What happened?!

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda follows Hilda down the stairs with the Valentine card.

Zelda- I don’t understand why you aren’t more interested in who sent you this Valentine?

Hilda- Because for every handsome, debonair man that might have sent it, there’s a guy named Chester with a plate in his head.

Zelda- I just wanna see you happy.

Hilda- I couldn’t be happier! Now if you’ll excuse me...

She turns and heads for the kitchen.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda leads her sister in and turns for the stairs.

Hilda- (Cont.) ...I’ll be up in the attic

Daniel- While you’re up there could you grab me some buckshot Honeybee? I wanna show Salem here how to load a musket.

Zelda- I think Honeybee’s got some explainin’ to do.

She folds her arms and glowers at Hilda.

Hilda- (To Daniel) What does ‘Stay in the attic’ mean to you?

Daniel- Don’t worry, your cat said he’d warn me at the first sign of trouble.

Salem- Watch out, here they come.

Zelda- Hilda, I can’t believe...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Hold on! You wouldn’t wanna hurt a person who...

She takes the Valentine that Zelda is pointing at her with.

Hilda- (Cont.) Someone apperantly loves very much!

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina’s hiccups haven’t gone away so she’s made her excuses and his heading home for a little help. Harvey comes in as she heads for the door.

Harvey- Hope you’re not still mad about Valentine’s day, but I brought you a chocolate kiss and a real one.

He bends down to kiss her just as she hiccups again. More little pink, heart shaped bubbles escape. Fortunately no-one notices.

Harvey- (Cont.) You want a cure for hiccups? A spoonful of sugar.

Sabrina- Yes, but only the special sugar we have at home. See ya!

She dashes off through the door.

Harvey- (To himself) She’s still mad. This weekend I’m buying myself a calendar.

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock workroom. Zelda clutches her hands at her heart as Hilda says a tearful farewell to her backwoods boyfriend.

Daniel- Even though our paths only crossed for an instant, you’ll always have a special place in my heart.

Hilda- Ditto.

He opens up the clock and without another word or backwards glance, walks out of her life forever. Hilda leans back sadly against the closed clock door.

Hilda- (Cont.) Boy I’m really gonna miss him... (Brightly) And now I’m done. D’ya wanna get pedicures?

Zelda- Hilda, you should never have broken the Other Realm rules and kept him up in the attic all that time.

Hilda- The basement was mouldy.

Zelda- And now you’re all alone.

She throws her arms around her sister and pats her back.

Zelda- (Cont.) You poor dear.

Hilda- Interesting? You were less irritating when you were angry.

Zelda- You are so brave! I am not gonna rest until I find out who sent you this Valentine.

Hilda- How are you gonna do that? Interview every guy I’ve ever dated?

Later. The clock shop is bulging at the seams with guys in every conceivable mode of period dress and nationality. Zelda climbs up onto a chair beside her bemused sister.

Zelda- Excuse me, all right! All right! All the ‘A’s over by the cash register please and have your handwriting samples out and ready for analysis.

Hilda- (Aside to Zelda) I know this isn’t the point of this exercise but... some of these guys owe me money too.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem, the great white... er black hunter sits in a safari jacket and pith helmet while Sabrina sits at the table with the magic book open.

Sabrina- It’s not fair! I haven’t used my magic! I haven’t done a spell! I haven’t disobeyed my aunts! And yet I’m hiccuping sparkly, pink hearts!

Salem- Yep, life’s just one big adventure. And speaking of adventure, come with me deep into the bush as we stalk the elusive... dickie bird.

Sabrina- Sometimes I think you actually work at being annoying.

Salem- No, not really.

Ext. Spellman back porch. Hilda and Zelda arrive back from the clock shop.

Zelda- So that was a dead end, but I think if we systematically retrace your steps over the last three months...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Sometimes I think you actually work at being annoying.

Zelda- No, not really.

They go into the kitchen.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The aunts enter.

Sabrina- Where’ve ya been?

Hilda feels her forehead.

Hilda- Oh. Sweaty brow, panicked expression, frantically looking through the magic book. Just what every parent wants to come home to.

Sabrina- Look! <Hic!>

Pink heart bubbles float over the kitchen table.

Zelda- Sabrina, this looks serious. What’s the matter with you?

Sabrina- It’s a very funny story... I don’t know!

Hilda- (To Zelda) You put Sabrina to bed, I’ll call Cupid.

Sabrina- Cupid?

Zelda- Cupid. He handles all heart related matters, literal or figurative.

Sabrina- Who gives a second opinion? the Easter Bunny?

Zelda takes Sabrina and the magic book upstairs.

Hilda- (To Salem) What’s with the get-up B’wana?

Salem- I’m going big game hunting.

Hilda- It looks like a big game doodied on your hat.

She goes off to call Cupid.

Salem- (Calling after) Yeah! Well it happened to Hemmingway all the time!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Zelda mops poor Sabrina’s fevered brow while Salem watches on. The thump-thump of Sabrina’s heart reverberates around the room.

Salem- Wow! Your hearts beating louder than the bass on a dead-heads boom-box.

Sabrina- Oh I can’t imagine why. My anxiety level is in the ‘There aren’t enough lifeboats’ territory

Hilda enters.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Finally! Where’s Cupid?

Hilda- Well Cupid’s a little backed up for Valentine’s Day so he had to send his assistant.

Cupid’s assistant enters. He’s got the wings, The bow and arrows but decries the traditional diaper in favour of a nice flowing white robe... but he’s a whole lot shorter and more troll-like.

Roland- Where’s the patient?

Sabrina- Roland?! Okay, you’ve scared me but I’ve still got the hiccups.

Zelda- Look, some people collect stamps, other people seem to collect jobs.

Roland- Helping people find love is my true calling... Plus, I already had the outfit.

He walks over to the bed where Sabrina lies with her loudly thumping heart.

Roland- (Cont.) So, what seems to be the problem?

Sabrina- Well my heart is racing, I’m hiccuping Valentine’s and you’re in my bedroom. How can you make all three go away?

Hilda- Oh Sabrina, calm down. I’m sure Roland can help.

They all turn round and look at Hilda.

Hilda- (Cont.) Sorry! I meant that to sound sincere.

The robin flies in and lands on Sabrina’s windowsill with a cheerful song.

Salem- Now you mock me in front of my family! Why you...!

He leaps down from the bedside table, takes two bounds and leaps for the dastardly bird. The bird takes to the air and so does Salem. Straight out of the window.

Zelda- Salem no!

Salem- (OS) Yeek! Argh! Ooo!

There’s the thump of something small and furry hitting solid ground as Zelda and Hilda dash to the window.

Salem- (Cont.)(OS) My spleen!

Zelda- Oh!

Salem- (OS) I’m okay!

Sabrina- Er! He’s got nine lives people and I’m working on the only one I got over here.

The aunts return to Sabrina’s bedside.

Roland- Well I really wont know anything until I open her up.

Sabrina- Open me up?! I may be the only one concerned here but he’s not a real doctor and... I’m a bleeder!

Roland digs a large bunch of keys from inside his tunic and holds one up.

Roland- The key to your heart. No, that’s to the Volvo. Here it is!

He points at Sabrina’s chest and a trap door with a key-hole appears over her heart. Hilda takes the key.

Hilda- Allow me.

Sabrina- What are you gonna do?

Hilda sticks the key in the lock and turns it.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh I knew I should have got into club.

Hilda flips open the door in Sabrina’s chest to reveal the thumping heart beneath. It’s made of candy and has. ‘Be mine. No, be mine’ printed on it.

Zelda- There’s the problem. Your heart is made of Valentine’s candy.

Sabrina- Oh good, I was afraid it was gonna be something serious! Okay, I have a heart that’s made of Valentine candy that says ‘Be mine. No, be mine’ Why is this happening to me? I eat oat bran!

She closes her chest up with a squeak.

Hilda- Not a huge priority but you might think about getting your hinges oiled.

Zelda- Well Roland, don’t just stand there fingering your tunic, help her! I’ll see what I can find in the magic book.

Roland- I remember this from the training manual. Your condition is very serious, you must follow my instructions precisely.

Sabrina- What do I have to do?

Roland- First, take my hand.

She takes his hand in hers.

Sabrina- Then what?

Roland- Be patient.

He stands staring off into space with a smile on his lips, holding Sabrina’s hand.

Sabrina- Is this supposed to make me feel better?

Roland- I don’t know about you but I’m in heaven.

She snatches her hand back.

Sabrina- Get out!

Roland- What d’ya want from me? I’m just a temp! These wings aren’t even real!

Sabrina’s had enough. She points and Roland disappears in a swirl of sparkles. Zelda and Hilda return with the magic book open at the relevant page.

Zelda- Here it is. (Reading) ‘Candy heart syndrome’ Well Roland was right about one thing. Your condition is quite serious.

Hilda- (Reading) ‘A witch gets it only around Valentine’s Day, when two mortals are vying for her heart’

Sabrina- Two? What two? Harvey’s the only one vying for my heart... Well at least before it was chewable.

Hilda- There must be someone else.

Zelda- Hilda, I’m so sorry but this means that that Valentine wasn’t for you. It was for Sabrina.

Hilda- (Sarcastic) Oh-no, I’m crushed. I can’t go on.

Zelda- Smirk, though your heart is breaking.

Hilda sighs as Zelda gives her another sisterly hug.

Sabrina- Oh yeah, y’know aunt Hilda’s problem’s a lot more monumental than the girl with the candy heart!

Hilda- Oh, it’s true. Sabrina’s right, we have to focus all of our attention and support on her. All of it.

Salem- (OS) Help! Emergency! Come quick!

Hilda- Be right back.

She runs out of the room.

Zelda- It did sound dire.

She dashes after her sister.

Sabrina- (To herself) Well no-one can say they coddle me.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda hurry down to find out what’s so urgent. Salem lies on the table with the robin caught between his paws. It looks pretty terminal.

Salem- (Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!)

Hilda- Salem! What’s the matter?

Salem- I killed him! I landed on him when I fell out of the tree! (Sob!) All I wanted to do was scare, humiliate and emotionally scar him for life. (Sob!) I didn’t wanna hurt him!

Zelda puts her ear down close to the still bird.

Zelda- He’s still breathing.

Salem- Do birdie CPR, stat!

She presses gently on the feathery breast.

Zelda- One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Breath.

Salem breathes into the beak. There’s a loud Thump-thump! Thump-thump! as Sabrina comes down stairs with the magic book.

Sabrina- I’m sorry to keep harping about this, but it says in this book that my symptoms are going to get progressively worse over the next couple of hours. How can they get any worse?

Well she had to ask, and in answer her candy heart starts to bulge against her chest in time to it’s loud beating. She clutches at it to try and stop it but it’s too strong.

Hilda- Well that’s one way.

Sabrina- Do you think anyone’ll believe I have a life buried in my bra?

A tweet is heard.

Salem- He’s alive! Thank you big guy.

Zelda- Okay, next crisis. Sabrina, you got to stop one of those mortals from vying for your heart. If you don’t, you’ll become cold and heartless and unable to love anyone.

Hilda- Not even Harvey.

Sabrina- What? But how can I get a complete stranger to stop liking me? I know! I’ve got to figure out who sent me that Valentine.

Zelda- I have an idea. We’ll check out every boy you’ve ever met...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Oh-no! We’re not going through that again.

She snatches the Valentine card from Zelda and drags Sabrina by the arm into the living room.

Int. Spellman living room.

Zelda- I suppose you have a better idea?

Hilda- Yes, I’m calling in a Valentine expert.

She raises her finger.

Sabrina- No!

Too late. Roland’s back.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Did you not hear me say ‘No!’?

Roland- Well if it isn’t the girls from Ungrateful Junction. You can’t get through this one without me huh?

Zelda- Is there some extra fee we could pay for you to drop the attitude?

Sabrina- Just tell me who sent this Valentine.

She hands the card to Roland.

Roland- Give me one good reason why I should help you do anything?

Hilda- Because if you don’t, your wings will no longer be on your back but someplace much more uncomfortable.

Roland- Oh well, I guess we have a deal then.

He skims the card up into the air, quickly draws his bow and fires. The arrow slices neatly through the spinning card as it flutters back to the ground.

Roland- (Cont.)(Pleased) Old cherub party trick.

Hilda picks up the card and shows it to Sabrina. There’s now a very clear picture of the sender on the back. Unfortunately the flash must have been too close to the lens because he has a bad case of red-eye.

Sabrina- Josh?! Josh is my secret admirer? And he still only pays me five twenty-five an hour?

She sits down stunned on the settee. Hilda and Zelda join her as she looks in wonder at the photo.

Roland- Well there’s the little matter of my fee.

Sabrina doesn’t even look up as she points. Roland vanishes in a swirl of sparkles.

Zelda- Sabrina, you have to find Josh and get him to stop liking you.

Hilda- Unless you want to be the kind of person who wears their heart on their sleeve literally.

The thumpity-thump of her heart and the bulging of her sweater in time to it both cease abruptly. The silence is almost deafening.

Sabrina- Hey look! It’s stopped! I must be getting better.

An orchestra strikes up a tune from nowhere.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I know I’m going to regret asking this but... what’s that music?

Her aunts both lean close to her heart to hear better.

Zelda- I think it’s Jack Benny’s old theme song. Love in bloom. (Singing along) You know it isn’t a dream,
it’s love in bloom.

Hilda- (With an imaginary cigar) Now cut that out.

Sabrina- Okay, so the consensus is, I’m not getting better?

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina comes in bringing her lift music with her.

Sabrina- Josh, I need to talk to you.

Josh- Hey, you’re back. Got that asophagus under control? What’s with the cheesy muzak? I thought the stereo was busted?

Josh wanders off in search of the phantom music. Sabrina turns to a college guy who has his jacket hung over the back of his chair.

Sabrina- Er can I use your jacket? I’m a little chilled.

He nods yes. She pulls it on.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ll bring it right back.

She grabs another coat from the coat rack and adds that as well, finally drowning out the music. She then hurries over to the counter where she finds Josh fiddling with the shops stereo.

Josh- Okay, now it’s stopped. Am I going crazy? No, you are. What’s with the jackets?

Sabrina- Er... Kleptomania, one of my many obnoxious qualities.

Josh- You don’t have any obnoxious qualities.

Sabrina- Sure I do! Dozens, I can... well there... I can be so...

Josh- (Interrupting) Cute?

Sabrina- (Pleased) Really? You think so? No-no-no-no-no-no! Never! I’m so the opposite of cute.

He just laughs and walks away.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Curses! Done in by my own cuteness and lack of obnoxious qualities! Well if I can’t get him to stop liking me... I’ll just get him to like someone else.

She catches up with Josh once more on his round of the tables.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, er Josh, have you ever noticed. (Involuntary singing) It’s love in bloom?

Every head in the shop looks round at her.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Well-well have you?

Int. Spellman kitchen. The table has been converted to an intensive care unit. A tine heart monitor beeps, a tiny bed holds it’s tiny patient with tubes coming out of it’s beak. Nurse Salem sits beside the bed in a nurses cap.

Salem- Is there anything else I can do? Fluff your pillow? Regurgitate a worm?

Robin- Tweet twitter peep tweet tweet!

Salem- No! No more TV for you. Not since you flat-lined during Popular.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina continues her efforts.

Sabrina- Do you believe in love at first site?

Josh- Maybe. Yeah sure, I guess, I’m something of a romantic.

Sabrina- Great!

She looks about and grabs the first girl she sees and drags her over to Josh.

Sabrina- Hey! What do you think? Do you see love?

Josh- No! But I do see a very terrified customer!

Sabrina- (Involuntary singing) Oh no it isn’t the spring.
It’s love in bloom!

Josh- Hey Sabrina, are you okay?

Sabrina- Yeah! Fine. Oh, what about her?

She turns Josh round to look at another girl customer.

Sabrina- (Cont.) She’s cute. (Involuntary singing) It’s love in bloom!

Josh- Sabrina, what’s the matter with you? Why do you keep singing that song?

Sabrina- I’m a crazy, insane person. The kind of person no-one would ever have a secret crush on, wouldn’t you agree?

Josh- Not really, but maybe you should take the rest of the day off. Relax, get some sleep, learn a new song.

He gets back to work. Sabrina stamps her foot in frustration.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Nurse Salem continues his vigil.

Salem- The colours coming back to his beak.

Hilda- The insurance companies are right, untrained and unqualified people can treat the sick.

The phone rings. Zelda answers it.

Zelda- Hello?

Ext. Payphone at the end of Water Street. Sabrina’s on the other end of the phone.

Sabrina- Hey it’s me. I just wanted to let you know the music’s stopped.

Zelda- Oh that's great.

The recovering robin lets out a sudden burst of beautiful song.

Sabrina- Oh, is that stupid feather-butt dead yet? When he finally kicks it, make sure you flush him.

Zelda- Sabrina, are you alright?

A blind man with his guide dog walks past and accidentally nudges her.

Sabrina- Hey! watch it buddy, not everybody likes dogs. I swear, the blind thinks the world owes them something.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda both have an ear to the phone. Zelda puts her hand over the mouthpiece.

Zelda- Something’s wrong.

Hilda- Oh ya think?

Sabrina- Look, I don’t have time to keep yapping with you broads. I gotta go talk to Josh, I’ve been way too nice to him. I gotta tell the pathetic loser he’s gotta get a grip and move on.

She hangs up.

Zelda- Sabrina wait!

All she hears is the tone.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh-no! Sabrina’s becoming heartless. If we don’t do something soon, she’ll be unable to love anyone.

Hilda- We’ve gotta get Josh to stop liking Sabrina. I think we both know what we have to do.

Zelda- If you must, you must.

Hilda points at the counter. Roland arrives looking smug as he lounges along it.

Roland- This is really gonna cost ya this time.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina enters and strides purposefully up to Josh at the counter.

Sabrina- Hey, Juan Valdes, We need to talk.

She’s completely missed Harvey’s presence. He walks up behind her.

Harvey- Sabrina, how’s your stomach?

She spins round.

Harvey- (Cont.) I brought ya another kiss.

He pecks her on the cheek.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Well they never said which boy I had to make stop liking me.

She smiles meanly up at Harvey.

Ext. Bean there. Brewed that coffee house. Roland leads the two aunts and is about to charge into the shop.

Zelda- Wait. Roland, you can’t go in there dressed like that.

Roland- Hmm, college place? I’ve got just the outfit!

He points at himself and changes into a full length fur coat and a pork-pie hat. Instead of his bow and arrow, he carries a red rose, a ‘Go Team’ pennant and his love-pea shooter.

Hilda- Oh yeah, the wings would have been much less noticeable.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. The trio enter. They see Sabrina talking to a very unhappy looking Harvey.

Hilda- There’s Sabrina. Oh-no! she’s with Harvey, I hope we’re not too late!

Harvey- Wow! Sure is an awfully long list of things you don’t like about me.

Sabrina- Did I mention stating the obvious?

Josh walk across the shop.

Zelda- (To Roland) There’s Josh. Shoot him, he has to stop liking Sabrina.

Roland- What and clear the way for farm boy? Are you kidding? I’ve been waiting for Sabrina to tell him off for years.

Harvey- Sabrina, what’s the matter with you? Why are you saying all this? Don’t you love me?

Sabrina- Love? Ha! What’s love?

Roland- (To the aunts) No, everything is just fine. If I can’t have Sabrina, nobody can.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) I don’t love... I don’t love...

Zelda- (To Roland) If you wont do your job then I will!

She snatches the peashooter from his hands, puts it to her lips and blows. Josh gets it right in the tail. He winces and spins round to see... Hilda.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) I don’t love...(The spell breaks) anyone but you.

Harvey’s crestfallen face brightens into a happy smile. Josh jumps up to sit and the back of a settee next to Hilda.

Josh- Hi, I’m Josh. Capricorn, I enjoy long walks, foreign films and your eyes.

Hilda- (To Zelda) You did that on purpose!

Zelda- A frivolous rebound is exactly what you need.

Hilda- What I need is to be an only child!

Josh takes her hand possessively.

Josh- Tell me everything about you. Don’t leave anything out, I’m already fascinated.

Hilda- Okay junior.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) I’m so sorry, it must have been a weird reaction to that... special sugar at my house. Can you forgive me?

Harvey- Of course, I knew it couldn’t really be you. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know.

They hug and in the process almost step on...

Roland- Hey farm boy!

Harvey- Roland?! (To Sabrina) What’s your cousin doing here?

Roland- This!

He lifts his peashooter and shoots Harvey in the foot. Harvey starts hopping around.

Sabrina- Roland?! (To Harvey) Are you okay?

As he hops about, he’s turned away from Sabrina and when he raises his head his eyes meet... Zelda’s.

Harvey- Miss Spellman, I never realised what a devastatingly attractive woman you are... and I’ve never used the word ‘Devastatingly’ in a sentence.

Roland- (To Sabrina) So, happy Valentine’s Day.

Sabrina- And now it’s time for the Valentine’s Day massacre!

Roland makes a run for it, his short legs going ten to the dozen with a furious Sabrina close on his heals.

Ext. The Milky Way. A gondola is pushed gently through the beautiful starscape by the gondolier. Four couples enjoy the romantic setting. In the front.

Zelda- Oh, Aurora Borealis.

She looks across at her partner but he only has eyes for her.

Zelda- (Cont.) Look at the stars Harvey.

Harvey- I’d rather see them reflected in your eyes.

Behind them, Josh tries to convince Hilda that the age difference is inconsequential.

Josh- Come on, what are you, three? Four years older than me tops?

Run Credits.

Hilda- Try five hundred and ninety-seven.

Josh- We can overcome that. Can I peel you another grape?

Hilda- <Sigh!> Whatever.

Next in the line of lovers comes...

Sabrina- Well thank you for the worst Valentine’s Day of my life.

Roland- House calls are pricey. Besides, like I told ya, everything will go back to normal... after tonight. Love date?

And bringing up the rear in the gondola...

Robin- Tweet-peep-whistle-piddle-tweet!

Salem- Sing us a song of love.

Roland is overcome by the romantic setting, the romantic music and Sabrina’s closeness. He stands to pour out his heart to the woman who has stolen it.

Roland- Sabrina, to Paraphrase the great Rod McQuewan. Love is............!

Without a word or a glance, Sabrina shoves the love-sick little troll overboard.



Pic of the Week