Salem And Juliette

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem’s filling in a form and has a question.

Salem- How about a neurosurgeon?

Sabrina- No thanks, I’m in a toast mood.

Zelda- Salem’s filling out a questionnaire for his high school reunion. Apperantly, it’s a work of fiction.

Sabrina takes the form from her cat.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘I perform lobotomies in the off season when I’m not playing free safety for the Dallas Cowboys’ You left out the part where you sit around and scratch your butt.

Salem- This reunion is gonna be great. Seeing all my old cronies, pretending I know about the brain.

Hilda- How are you gonna explain the fact that you now have four legs, pointy ears and a furry belly, Mr. Convicted Felon?

Salem- I’ve got it all figured out. Nobody will care that I slipped up playing the morality game as long as I walk into that reunion with a gorgeous trophy on my arm.

Sabrina- Allow me.

She points and a gorgeous trophy materialises attached to Salem’s arm. It comes to above the knee and weighs five pounds... which is more than Salem weighs and as he’s sat on the edge of the counter it pulls him off. He and the trophy hit the ground hard.

Salem- Oooo! (Sob!) I meant Susan Anton. (Sob!)

Run opening credits

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina walks with Harvey.

Sabrina- ...For my first issue as newspaper editor, So I need a story that’s explosive, that’s exclusive. Something that’s first page material

Harvey- Well I’m willing to give you an inside scoop on the football team. I made the first string... of people who are up for the first string.

Sabrina- Congratulations... but what I really need is a war.

There’s a distinct ping of magic behind her as Harvey goes on to class. She turns and sees a broadly smiling Dreama being kissed by a string of guys.

Sabrina- Hey, what are ya doing?

Dreama- I did a ‘kiss me’ spell. It’s a fast and easy way to make mortal friends.

Sabrina- Yeah, if you wanna be called fast and easy.

Mrs. Quick comes round the corner and spots Sabrina.

Mrs. Quick- Ms. Editor, have we got a headline yet? Oh!

She feels a sudden compulsion and kisses Dreama on the cheek.

Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) Oh my, a public display of affection although never practised in my family, is healthy. Tell no-one!

She leaves.

Sabrina- See? In the mortal realm making friends takes time.

Dreama- That girls got lots of friends.

Sabrina looks where Dreama’s looking and sees a tall girl in a slinky pink dress surrounded by envious girls and drooling boys. Dreama tugs at her ear and does a quick change into a low-cut slinky pink dress. This has an immediate effect on one guy with wildly sticky-up hair. The reason his eyes opened so wide is because he witnessed the transformation of Dreama’s clothes. He dashes away just as Mr. Kraft arrives with detention on his mind.

Mr. Kraft- Ah Miss Spellman, Miss er new girl. (To Sabrina) Loitering in the hallway. (To Dreama) Loitering next to Miss Spellman. (To Sabrina) Maybe I should get these detention slips printed up with your letter-head.

He points at Sabrina with his pen.

Sabrina- A Mont Blanc pen? Where’d you get that?

Mr. Kraft- At the ‘none of your business’ store.

He hands out the slips and leaves.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. A finely tuned engine roars. The sleek, sporty red lines and alloy wheels grip the carpet like a limpet. The sound systems rocks as the driver steers out onto the landing.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Hilda stops as Salem drives his toy Lamborgini out of Sabrina’s room.

Salem- I’m cruisin’ for a date for the reunion. The babes love a sports car.

Hilda- They particularly like one they can fit in.

Salem- You know nothing about women.

He drives off towards the closet.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Harvey and Sabrina do lunch together.

Harvey- I don’t get it, my doctor says I’m anaemic but I’ve been eating all this red meat.

He holds up his half eaten ham-burger.

Sabrina- It’s more like blue/grey meat.

Harvey- Is it just me or has cafeteria food gotten worse this year?

There’s the sound of heaving and vomiting off to the left. Sabrina looks up from the notepad she’s been scribbling in.

Sabrina- It’s not just you. So what do you think about this for my front page? It’s completely blank except for the headline which reads ‘No news is good news’?

Harvey- Of course if you decide to go with the me maybe making first string story, I’ll be available for photos.

He tosses his half eaten sloppy-Joe down on his plate, gets up and poses, throwing an imaginary football.

Sabrina- I’ll have my people call your people.

Harvey leaves and Sabrina looks down at his plate with a disgusted grimace.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Should meat sweat like that?

She stabs the piece of meat with a plastic fork and wraps it in a napkin.

Int. School hallway. Poor Dreama’s been in the wars. Her right leg is in plaster up to her thigh and she hobbles down the hallway on crutches. Concerned and sympathetic students enquire after her well-being. Sabrina becomes one of the concerned and sympathetic when she comes out of the cafeteria and sees her friend.

Sabrina- Dreama, what happened?

Dreama- (Whispering) I’m not really hurt but look at all the friends I’ve got, and I might even get handicapped parking.

Sabrina gestures her limping friend to one side.

Sabrina- Dreama, there’s more to life than getting in the seven-eleven before everyone else.

With the hallway now clear she points. Dreama’s cast and crutches vanish although it might have been nice if Sabrina had warned her friend first. Dreama lands hard on her butt. However the hallway wasn't as clear as Sabrina thought and the guy with the sticky-up hair ducks back inside the cafeteria having witnessed the disappearance of the cast.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Sorry, I should o’ zapped in a pillow.

A pair of trendy, fluorescent green trainers walk round the corner.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Wow! Nice running shoes... and pricey.

One of the shoes taps impatiently in an all too familiar fashion. Sabrina looks up to see...

Mr. Kraft- M-hm! The better to chase you with my dear.

Mr. Kraft's brows furrow as he spots something further down the hallway.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) No gum chewing!

He sets off in pursuit of the miscreant.

Mr. Kraft- (Under his breath) Heal-toe. Heal-toe. Heal-toe. Heal-toe.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda and Hilda are packing two suitcases. Sabrina enters from school and shoves a half eaten meat patty in front of Zelda’s nose.

Sabrina- What does this look like to you?

Zelda- Um... Drain clog?

Hilda- Ooh! Bad toupee?

Sabrina- This is what Harvey was eating for lunch today.

Zelda- You’re never having diner at the Kinkle’s again.

Hilda- Come on, we’ve gotta get to our Witch watch workshop. Weady?

Zelda- (To Sabrina) We’ve just found out from the Witches Council that we have to be trained and licensed to run the clock shop.

Sabrina- Oh, good luck... and try not to come home while I’m throwing my huge party.

Zelda- Very funny. While we’re gone, will you keep an eye on Salem?

Sabrina- Why? He’s a grown... cat.

Zelda- He’s having trouble finding a date for this reunion and I think it’s depressing him.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem switches off the phone sounding anything but depressed and doing a little head-banging.

Salem- (Singing) Yeow! I feel good!
Man-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Salem are you okay?

Salem- I was fine until you stepped on my na-na’s. I have six dates for tonight!

Sabrina- Driving the prison van does not constitute a date.

Salem- No, I put an add in the Other Realm Personals. I am meeting six lady’s and I have to decide which one is going to be Salem’s arm-candy for the reunion.

Int. The Other Realm Expensive Bistro. Salem’s with date #1. A pretty young brunet in a beautiful strapy evening dress. She has a strong right as she reaches across the table and slaps Salem’s face.

Salem- Gne!

Later. Date #2. A blue eyed blonde. Slap!

Salem- Ah!

Later. Date #3. A woolly sheep. Slap!

Salem- Ow!

Later. Date #4. A bit of a dog... and the first left hander. Slap!

Salem- Gne!

Later. Date #5. A flirty bird. A chicken to be precise. Slap!

Salem- Ahhh!

Later. Date #6. Another tall brunet but this ones a man. Smack!

Salem- Dhe!

The waitress arrives with the bill.

Salem- Ghe! We didn’t have any iced-tea!

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina sees Mr. Kraft enters with a small shoulder bag.

Sabrina- Is that a purse?

Mr. Kraft- It’s European, get some culture.

He walks away as Mrs. Quick comes round the corner.

Sabrina- Mrs. Quick, I’ve got a story for the front page.

Mrs. Quick- I’m all ears Sabrina.

Sabrina- Day after day I watch my boyfriend eat massive quantities of, so called, red meat from the cafeteria.

Mrs. Quick- I know you’re young and in love... but give me a headline I can use.

Sabrina- Cafeteria-gate. I suspect there’s no ham in the burger, no meat in the loaf and no sloppy in the Joe. Well, you know what I mean.

Mrs. Quick- A meat scam! Perfect! We’ll blow the lid off this school... Right after the pep-rally.

They go there separate ways.

Int. Science classroom. Sabrina’s getting a close up of the sample of "Meat" through a microscope.

Sabrina- Just as I suspected. There is no meat in this Salisbury Steak! But there is a family of paramecia... and even they’re gagging.

Harvey- Can I have my lunch back?

Mrs. Quick enters excited.

Mrs. Quick- Sabrina! Remember how you were looking for the perfect lead to break your lunch room story?

Sabrina- Yeah.

Mrs. Quick- I’ve got it baby!

Sabrina leaps up to go with Mrs. Quick.

Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) Walk, don’t run.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina and her teacher stand watching delivery-men wheeling furniture into the principles office.

Sabrina- (Disappointed) Ooh I can see the headlines now, ‘Kraft gets chair’

Mrs. Quick- Open your eyes girl! He’s only a civil servant and there ain’t no budget for a Chippendale settee.

Sabrina- So if the school budget isn’t going to buy meat then it must be going to...

She has a sudden flash of inspiration. An expensive pen. A pair of pricey running shoes, A leather European purse.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...Mr. Kraft!

Happy that Sabrina’s got it, Mrs. Quick leaves.

Dreama- (OS) Be my friend?

Sabrina spins round to see her friend loaded down with colourful inflatable buoyancy aids in the shape of swans and horses.

Dreama- (Cont.) Be my friend? I have a pool!

All it’s doing is making people look at her oddly and keep their distance.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Salem! I’m checking on you like I promised my aunts.

There’s no sign of him but there is a note on the counter.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Forget my name, I’ve joined the French foreign legion. Love Salem’?

Salem- (OS) (Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!)

She finds him stuck fast, halfway through the cat-door.

Salem- (Cont.) (Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!)

She extricates him from his predicament and sits him on the table in his legionnaires hat and back-pack.

Salem- (Sob!) I over packed my pack. (Sob!)

Sabrina- I’m really busy at school, so if you're gonna run off to Algeria, wait until my aunts come home.

Salem- I can’t find a date for the reunion!

Sabrina- So? You’ll go stag! I’m sure you can pick up some neglected wife at the bar.

Salem- You can’t cheer me up Sabrina, there’s something you don’t know. I wasn’t always the stud-muffin I am today. I was a high school nerd! (Sob!) Do the ‘Doodledoo. Doodledoo’ and I’ll tell ya all about it.

Sabrina points and reality wriggles away to a memory with a doodledoo. Doodledoo. to reveal a skinny carrot topped kid in gym kit hanging by his shirt from a weight’s pulley. All the other boys in the class stand round laughing and pointing lead by a big jock type..

Teenage Salem- (Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!) Billy Luto! You let me down! (Sob! Sob!)

Teenage Billy- (Singing) Salem is a weenie,
we hung him by his............. Heenie!

All the boys- (Singing) Salem is a weenie,
we hung him by his heenie.

The vision of those good old childhood days fades back to reality.

Salem- Nooooo! (Sob!) Oh the flashbacks! (Sob!)

Sabrina- Wow! The first time you’ve seemed so vulnerable.

Salem- I so wanted to go back to school a winner.

Sabrina- But Salem, you are a winner. You’ve got... Well there’s... What about...? Okay, Y’know what Salem? I promise I will find you a date for the reunion.

Salem- A trophy date!

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Salem sits on the linen basket with Sabrina beside him.

Sabrina- Y’know, sometimes it’s hard to make new friends. Maybe you have an ex-girlfriend you wanna take with you to the reunion?

Salem- Great idea! I had a million of them.

Sabrina- Oh yeah, that’s why your little black book is practically the size of the New York phone book.

She picks up Salem’s little black book. with the emphasis very much on the word ‘little’ It’s about the size of a postage stamp. She thumbs through the few dusty pages of faded scribble.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Let’s see, what about er Sarah Phillips?

Salem- I’d love to go with her! She was always so sweet, so warm, so nurturing.

Sabrina points at the linen closet making it activate with it’s usual pyrotechnics. She opens the door to reveal a middle aged witch with a brood of a dozen children.

Salem- (Cont.) So desperate for commitment.

She closes the door.

Salem- (Cont.) Not to be picky, but how about someone for whom dating doesn’t constitute adultery?

Sabrina consults Salem’s book once more.

Sabrina- Well I don’t know how to make out her last name but what about Hallie?

Salem- Yeah! She was drop-dead gorgeous. I wonder why we ever broke up?

Sabrina points at the closet again and opens the door to reveal a tall, busty brunet with legs that go on to infinity and a toothpaste commercial smile.

Hallie- Hey Salem.

As she speaks a cloud of noxious toxic gas sails from her mouth making Sabrina and Salem gasp and back off and causing the house plant by the stairs to wilt and consider a future as compost.

Salem- Now I remember, Hallie Tosis!

Sabrina pushes the door shut into the poor girls face before daring to take another breath.

Salem- (Cont.) Her breath could start the windmill on an old Dutch painting.

Sabrina- That’s the only other name in here except for ‘Mom’

Salem- Er... Ink fades.

Sabrina- Well I really have to get back to school and crack the Mr. Kraft case. (Incanting) Because Salem needs a date really fast, send him someone he truly loved from the past.

She uses her finger to activate the incantation, the closet activates and Sabrina opens the door. A white haired woman in an apron is stood there looking confused.

Sabrina- (To Salem) Your Harold and Maude phase?

Salem- Oh don’t be sick! She’s a lady who was handing out fish yesterday.

Sabrina- Well I’ll find you a date as soon as I get back from school.

She leaves.

Salem- (To Fish woman) Got any trout on ya?

Int. The Other Realm further education college hallway. Hilda and Zelda arrive outside the ‘Father Time Workshop’

Zelda- Oh I’m so glad we got into Father Time’s Workshop, it’s supposed to be very intellectual.

Hilda- I know! I know! He’s going to teach us to "be" the clock.

Zelda- Trust me, you’ll be glad you stuck it out.

She opens the door and they enter.

Int. Father Time Workshop. A huge bright yellow and red 'smiley' clock-face dominates against the backdrop of cloudy, summer sky. A large, equally bright, yellow bell stands in the middle. Hilda and Zelda stand on each side in Bavarian Leaderhosen and hats holding xylophones. They each move towards the bell and bend forward from the waist to strike the bell. BONG!

Hilda- Oh yeah! I’m really glad we stuck it out.

Int. Westbridge High School. Principle Kraft’s office. The flash-bulb pops as Mrs. Quick takes another photo while Sabrina shuffles through the papers on his desk.

Mrs. Quick- There’s got to be some proof he’s funnelling the money.

Sabrina- Yeah, some kind of an invoice or a phone message or a pacifier...?

She holds up the babies dummy that was hidden under a pile of detention slips then drops it back down in disgust.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh the horror!!

The door opens behind them and Mr. Kraft walks in. They’re busted.

Mr. Kraft- Hey! What are you doing...?

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Mr. Kraft!

Mrs. Quick quickly takes a photo of the principle, blinding him with the flash.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Er we just wanted to show you Mrs. Quick’s new camera. Show him Mrs. Quick.

Mrs Quick sticks the camera in front of Mr. Kraft’s, still blind, eyes and the two investigators make a speedy dive for the door.

Sabrina- Okay, well we’ll see you on the way down... I mean later.

They exit in a hurry.

Int. School hallway. Once the principles door is closed, Mrs. Quick and Sabrina nod to each other in a conspiratorial manner and head off in different directions. Sabrina finds Dreama surrounded by some new friends and goes to investigate. Dreama is holding a white, long-haired, pussy in her arms that her friends are enjoying stroking. Sabrina’s about to ask about the cat when Dreama spots her.

Dreama- Hey Sabrina, I read that pets are the best way to meet people.

Student- I love your kitty.

Dreama- It’s working.

The school bell rings and Dreama’s new friends all head off to class.

Juliette- Okay, where’s my fifty bucks?

Sabrina’s jaw drops and her eyes spring wide. Which is slightly odd as you wouldn’t expect her to be phased by a talking cat. The boy with the sticky-up hair wondering down the hallway behind her though is another story. It’s no wonder he looks so surprised.

Sabrina- She talks?

Juliette- And if you want her to stop... it’s fifty bucks.

The boy dashes off un-noticed by the girls.

Dreama- I’m sorry, she was supposed to keep her furry mouth shut. She only thinks about herself.

Sabrina- Really? That self-centred?

Then a sudden thought.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Is she single?

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina introduces Juliette to Salem.

Juliette- You wanna set me up with this pin-head?

Salem- Somebody’s cranky 'cause they got hit in the face with a frying pan.

Juliette- D’oh! I must have entered a wit-free zone.

Sabrina- What a disaster.

Salem- What a woman!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem and Juliette get to know one another over prawn cocktails. Sabrina plays waiter.

Salem- You graduated from Other Real High the year before me? Wait a minute! Juliette Jinglehiemer? The prom-queen?

Juliette- In person... so to speak.

Sabrina- Salem, why don’t you tell Juliette about some of your... hobbies.

Salem- (Aside to Sabrina) Psst! Psst! I can strut my own stuff. (To Juliette) I like fish!

Sabrina wanders off behind the counter, leaving Casanova Saberhagen to it and checks on Dreama, who is stirring the nicely bubbling and hubbling cauldron over the stove.

Sabrina- So are you working on the homework I assigned you?

Dreama- Yep, the crack ‘true confessions’ potion is brewing.

Sabrina- Great. Now tomorrow, you’ll slip him the Mickey and then he’ll confess the whole thing and I’ll have my story.

Dreama- And there’s no way we could get arrested for this?

Sabrina- (To herself) There’s no way I could be arrested for this.

Dreama- Come on Juliette, we have to get home.

She picks up the white cat.

Salem- Wait! Der. Juliette, I know we haven’t known each other very long and ah... fra... (Aside to Sabrina) How do I er...? (To Juliette) I was wondering if I er...

Sabrina gives him a poke in the ribs to snap him out of his gibberish.

Salem- (Cont.) ...Would you come with me to my reunion?

Juliette- Why not.

Dreama- Bye.

They leave.

Salem- Glory be! I have a date! And not just any date. She’s the coolest gal from Other Realm High.

Sabrina- And you owe it all to me.

Salem- Exactly, and that’s why I’m going to warn you that I’m about to sing ‘Lady’

A look of horror comes over Sabrina and she runs for the stairs before Salem can draw breath.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina walks with Dreama.

Sabrina- So you gave Mr. Kraft the potion?

Dreama- Yes, I slipped it in his V8 juice.

Sabrina- Great, so he’s ready to confess and he’s met his daily vegetable requirement.

She spots Mr. Kraft coming out of his office and reaches for her tape-recorder.

Sabrina- (Cont.) There he is, let’s get him. Oh Mr. Kraft, is there anything you’d like to confess about the meat in the cafeteria?

She shoves the tape player under his nose. He stands and thinks about it for a moment and then winnies like a horse.

Mr. Kraft- Oh, pardon me.

He turns and leaves.

Sabrina- (To Dreama) Let me guess, you put the confession potion together in one big horse pill?

Dreama- How d’you know?

The school bell rings.

Sabrina- Go make some more friends.

Dreama runs off excitedly leaving Sabrina dejected and frustrated. Mrs. Quick runs up to her as the school bell rings.

Mrs. Quick- Sabrina! Good news, I’ve been contacted by a secret informant. This person works in the cafeteria and goes by the name of ‘Sore Throat’

Sabrina- That’s great! When and where can we meet him?

Mrs. Quick- Tonight in the cafeteria. Mr. Kraft will rue the day he ever... Did the bell ring?

Sabrina- About ten seconds ago.

Mrs. Quick- Oh shoot!

She dashes of to class.

Int. Spellman back porch. Sabrina enters from school to find Salem sat in the sunny spot with a letter in front of him.

Sabrina- Salem, what are you holding? And it better not be another subpoena.

Salem- It’s a letter from my lady, Juliette. She’s crazy about me.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Salem, remember to get my kidney-pate’ Well I guess for a cat, that’s romantic.

Salem- It’s not what she said, but that she took the time to say it.

Sabrina- Man, you’ve got it bad.

Salem- Behold the manifestation of my affection.

He flicks his tail towards a crudely carved heart with the letters SS + JJ inside. The second J looks especially crude.

Sabrina- SS plus J squigly line?

Salem- My affection is endless but my nails are not.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda and Hilda come down stairs still in their bavarian outfits. Sabrina sits curled up in an arm-chair reading while Salem’s on the phone.

Zelda- Hello honey.

Sabrina- Is there any particular reason you two are dressed like the Ricolah man?

Zelda- (Looking down at herself) Oh dear lord! We were in such a hurry to get out of there we left on our leaderhosen.

Hilda- They’re deceptively comfortable.

Salem- (On phone) Hu-hu-hu! Ho-ho! Oh a corsage? Anything for my dear Juliette. Chow Bella.

He turns off the phone.

Salem- (Cont.) This kitten is smitten!

He jumps down and heads upstairs.

Sabrina- I found Salem a date for the reunion.

Zelda- Way to go honey. You didn’t pay anyone did you?

Hilda- Hey! She can spend her allowance any way that she likes.

Zelda- Let’s get this business licence in the toaster.

The aunts head for the kitchen but stop when a loud ‘Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock’ can be heard.

Sabrina- What’s that?

Hilda- We spent the day in a clock and we developed a low grade tick.

Zelda shrugs.

Sabrina- Okay, I’m just gonna nod and pretend I understand

The aunts leave ticking and tocking.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina helps Salem with the finishing touches of his grooming for his date. He’s wearing a specially tailored powder blue tux with a matching ruffle shirt and bow-tie. She finishes brushing the top of his head and picks up the hair-spray.

Sabrina- Okay, close your eyes.

He does and she gives him a squirt of extra-hold.

Salem- Thanks Sabrina. Wait till that rotten Billy Luto sees me walk into that reunion with the prom-queen on my arm. Juliette mi amore.

Sabrina- Open up.

Salem opens his mouth and Sabrina gives a couple of blasts of breath-freshener.

Sabrina- (Cont.) So just out of curiosity, why was Juliette turned into a cat?

Salem- I only tried to take over the world, she tried to take over the universe. Man, is she hot!

The linen closet activates and Sabrina answers the door to find a uniformed chauffeur waiting.

Sabrina- Mr. Saberhagen, your limo awaits... and yes, you have to tip.

She lifts Salem into the chauffeurs arms.

Salem- You should know I plan to play the radio very loud. Thanks for picking me Juliette, I’m in love.

Salem and the chauffeur walk into the closet. Sabrina closes the door and leans against it as the closet activates with a melancholy smile. She sighs.

Sabrina- (To herself) They grow up so fast.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. After hours. Sabrina finds...

Mrs. Quick- Sabrina, I’m glad I found you. Sore Throat postponed. Apperantly he has a... sore throat.

Sabrina- Dang! Done in by irony.

Mrs. Quick- I gotta go. He asked me to leave some lozenges in a brown paper bag on a bench in the park.

She leaves just as Dreama walks by a cross corridor.

Sabrina- (Calling out) Hey Dreama! What are you doing here?

Dreama- I joined a club... but it’s only full of parents and teachers.

Sabrina- Yeah, the PTA’s funny that way. So was Juliette excited about going to the reunion?

Dreama- Oh yeah, she said she can’t wait to run into this guy she had a huge crush on in high school.

Sabrina- So she didn’t go because she likes Salem?

Dreama- She likes that he’s giving her a ride.

Sabrina- Poor Salem.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina relates the bad news to her aunts.

Hilda- So basically, the girl you picked for Salem is just using him.

Sabrina- That’s one way to put it. (To Dreama) Why didn’t you tell me Juliette was so awful?

Dreama- You met her!

Zelda- All right, let’s not overreact. Salem will survive, he’ll see the potato bar and all will be well.

Sabrina- Sure, he’s thought he was in love before and not just with himself.

The phone rings. Sabrina answers.

Sabrina- Hello?

Little Old Lady- I’m calling from Other Realm Vagas about Mr. Saberhagen’s wedding.

Sabrina- Nooooooo!

She switches the phone off.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Salem’s gonna propose to Juliette.

Hilda- Okay, no matter what food they serve there, I think he’s gonna be crushed.

Sabrina- Poor Salem, he’s gonna humiliate himself... more that usual.

Zelda- We’ve gotta stop him.

All four witches race for the stairs and the linen closet.

Hilda- But if we don’t get there in time, I think we should all blame Dreama.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The younger witches make it up first and dash into the closet. Zelda and Hilda are close on there heals but are suddenly confronted by a metal detector unit and an Other Realm security attendant.

Sabrina- What’s going on?

Security Attendant- Security. What’s that ticking?

Hilda- (Pointing at Zelda) Her!

Security Attendant- Look, either you’re strapped with some kind of explosive device or you’re just ticked off. Either way, I can’t let you through.

Sabrina- It’s not like we’re flying to Israel.

Zelda- Come on, you two, go. Salem can’t wait.

Sabrina and Dreama go back into the closet and head off to the Other Realm with a crash of thunder.

Hilda- I’m guessing a highjacking joke wouldn’t be funny to you.

Int. Other Realm High School Gym. A large luminous sign welcomes back the alumni and it’s fitted out for a party. Witches mix and mingle, reminiscing about the good very old days or dance to the poor PA system. Salem and Juliette have been at the buffet and sit at a table with full plates.

Salem- Wow! Is that Becky Barnes?

He looks across at an attractive woman. Attractive, that is, if you like girls with pigs snouts and ears.

Salem- (Cont.) She’s lost a lot of weight.

Juliette- That jerk, he’s not coming.

Salem- Oh are you looking for the waiter? I’ll get him.

Juliette- Ah no thanks. If I need something I’ll make you get it.

Salem- I love your fire. Juliette, there’s something I’ve been dying to ask you.

He clears his throat with a few coughs.

Salem- (Cont.) I feel that when life hands you something wonderful, you should grab it.

Juliette- Hey, you’re not gonna touch me are you?

Salem- (Under his breath) Okay, here it goes. (To Juliette) Juliette, will you...?

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Salem! There you are. I thought I might find you here. We need to talk.

Salem- Let me start. Go away!

Dreama grabs hold of Juliette.

Dreama- Come on Juliette, you have cat-litter on your back paws.

Juliette- No, white fur shows everything.

Dreama takes off to get her cleaned up.

Salem- Sabrina, this night rocks! We sipped champagne in the limo...

Sabrina- Salem, there’s something I need to tell you.

Salem- ...We tangoed cheek to cheek.

Sabrina- This maybe hard to say but... Cat’s can tango? Wait a minute. Salem, Juliette only came with you so she could see some other guy.

Salem- Her brother?

Sabrina- So if there’s a question you were gonna... pop, you might wanna save it for another girl.

Salem- I only have one question. How could I be so stupid? <Sigh!>

Sabrina- Come on Salem, let me take ya home. We could stop by the potato bar.

Salem- Real bacon bits might help me forget.

Billy- Salem Saberhagen!

Salem- Yeah? Billy Luto!

The big bully swaggers over to the table.

Billy- Well look who’s doing time in a kitty suit. Did world domination plans fall through? Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Salem- <Sigh!>

Sabrina- Do you want me to level the playing-field and turn him into a mouse? A very slow mouse?

Salem- Thanks, but I can defend myself. I’m not the high school nerd I used to be.

Billy- Nice tux.

Salem- Stop it!

Billy- So what have I been up to? Well I’m rich, I’m married and my bathroom is not in the kitchen.

Salem- I mean it! Quit!

Billy- Boy, I haven’t given a wedgey in decades. I hope you’re wearing loader BVD’s under that cummerbund.

He raises his finger for his wedgey spell just as Juliette arrives back and leaps up onto the table.

Juliette- Hey! Leave him alone! At least Salem had real dreams. Sure, they were bereft of ethics or even a real plan, but he had the guts to try. This cat is more of a man than you’ll ever be. You’re nothing but a big bully, Bully Luto.

Salem- Ju-li-ette!.

Billy- Cute couple. Maybe you’d like a wedgey built for two?

Billy raises his finger again.

Salem- Okay, I’m done being brave. Sabrina!

She’s over the other side of the room waiting and on Salem’s call her finger flicks. Billy flies through the air backwards and lands on the gyms weight rack where he hangs by his..?

Sabrina- Look who’s hanging by their heenie now.

As the whole room erupts into laughter.

Salem- He-he. Thank you Juliette, I knew you loved me.

Juliette- Love you? I don’t love you, I just can’t stand him. I liked him all junior year. Nothing, and un-requited love makes me cranky.

Salem- Come on, you like me just a little?

Juliette- Oh I wish I could role my eyes.

Salem- Well you like me better than him?

Juliette- I like a canker-sore better than him.

Salem- Yes!

Sabrina walks through a crowd of dancing witches all wearing brightly coloured floatation-rings in the shapes of ducks and frogs to find Dreama. Dreama hands her a ducky one as she dances. Sabrina puts it on.

Sabrina- Wow! Apperantly these work in the Other Realm.

She joins her friend dancing.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Late at night. Crickets chirp outside and the room is dark. Sabrina and Mrs. Quick can just make out the shadow of a man who sits before them.

Sabrina- Thanks for meeting us here Sore Throat. D’you wanna come closer?

Sore Throat- No, I’m a little nervous about this whole thing.

Mrs. Quick- Don’t be, this is completely confidential, except for what we publish in the paper.

Sabrina- Yeah, so just relax and tell us everything you know and remember, it’s for the good of the school.

Sore Throat- All right, well I keep seeing strange things. This girl is wearing one outfit and suddenly, she’s wearing a different outfit.

Sabrina- Okay, well I think we’ve got everything we need.

Sore Throat- This same girl is on crutches and the crutches disappear, there’s a talking cat and um...

He stands up, moving out of the shadow to reveal the guy with the sticky-up hair, His hands tremble uncontrollably.

Sore Throat- (Cont.) I can’t take it anymore!

He runs past Sabrina and Mrs. Quick, out of the cafeteria.

Mrs. Quick- D’you know what this means?

Sabrina- Yep, no corroboration; no story.

Mrs. Quick- No, this is paranormal. This is worthy of network TV. This is bigger than meat!

Sabrina- Oh I’m sure the kids obviously starved for attention.

Mrs. Quick- Aren’t we all?

Sabrina- And besides, I’ve decided to go with another story. Kinkle might make first string. Gotta go.

She leaves.

Int. School hallway. Dreama’s waiting outside the cafeteria as Sabrina comes out.

Dreama- So how did it go? Did Sore Throat cough it up?

Sabrina- He hawked something ugly up. We’ve gotta get out o’ here.

She takes a quick look around at the empty hallways before waving her finger. Both she and Dreama vanish in a swirl of sparkles just as Sore Throat comes round the corner.

Sore Throat- Aaaarghh!!

He runs screaming from the school to catch the first bus out of Westbridge to somewhere safe, like LA, where people are normal.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. The next morning. Sabrina walks with Harvey.

Run Credits

Harvey- So you never pined anything on Mr. Kraft huh?

Sabrina- No, I can’t believe he wasn’t dirty-dealing.

They walk past the entrance but don’t see Mr. Kraft outside being accosted by the local organised crime boss. The thug wrenches the new running shoes from Mr. Kraft’s tenacious grip.

Mr. Kraft- No-no. Come on, you’re being unreasonable! We can work this thing out.

As the thug drags off Mr. Kraft’s jacket, two of his henchmen walk past with the new chairs from his office.

Mr. Kraft- Oh not the settee! Where am I gonna take my naps?

Thug- You told us it was T-bones.

Mr. Kraft- Yes-yes.

Thug- You never said it was school meat.

He snatches Mr Kraft’s pen from his shirt pocket and pulls off the leather purse.

Mr. Kraft- No. No!

After a moments thought the thug thrusts the purse back at the principle and leaves. Mr. Kraft slings the purse back over his shoulder, tugs his shirt, straightens his tie and walks into the school with his chin held high.