No Place Like Home

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda, Hilda and Their pet cat Salem are getting ready for a very special day.

Zelda- This is Sabrina’s eighteenth birthday party and I want everything to be perfect.

Hilda- Eighteen? I can’t believe it, she’ll be leaving home soon.

Zelda- Starting a whole new life, making new friends.

Hilda- A new place to live.

Zelda- We probably won’t see her much anymore. She’ll be too busy to visit her silly old aunts. (Sob)

Hilda- (Sob)

Sabrina- (Calling from the front door) I’m home!

Hilda- Yeah, but not for long (Sob)

Zelda- (Sob) We can’t let her see us all teary.

She twirls her finger casting a spell. They both start smiling happily

Zelda- Happy-face.

Hilda- Not the smiling spell?

Zelda nods as Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- This is gonna be the best year ever, I just heard that Libby’s parents are sending her to boarding school! I guess ‘Children of the corn’ academy has reopened. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to chocolate town.

She heads off up stairs.

Hilda- (Smiling brightly) See? She’s leaving us already.

Zelda- Our little witch is all grown up (Sob)

Salem- You still have little me.

Hilda and Zelda- (Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!)

Run opening credits.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s re-designing the furniture layout. She’s dragged her bed under the stained-glass windows.

Sabrina- So what d’ya think, if I put my bed here and Valerie’s bed up against that wall?

Salem- How about we put Valerie’s bed where it belongs? With her family in Alaska!

Sabrina- Salem, I’m sorry, but I asked if it was okay if Valerie comes to stay.

Salem- But I though you said ‘I’d like to get you a valise’

Sabrina- Valerie’s my best friend. I can’t let her finish up high school in Anchorage. She looks terrible in mucklocks and remember, while she’s here; no talking.

Salem starts blinking his eyes rapidly and erratically

Sabrina- Is there something in your eye, or an aneurysm? Either way take it outside.

Salem- I’m trying some non-verbal communication. That was Morse-code for ‘I can’t believe those aunts agreed to let Valerie come live with us!’

Sabrina- Yeah! Every so often they’re shockingly cool.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda’s up a step ladder pinning a crape letter ‘happy birthday’ banner up while Hilda arranges balloons and other decorations for the party.

Hilda- I can’t believe you agreed to let Valerie come live with us.

Zelda- Me? I believe you were the one who said ‘Gee, it’d be nice to have a mortal around the house for a change.’

Hilda- First of all, I never say ‘Gee’

Zelda- The point is we agreed and we’re just going to have to learn to get along without magic around the house for nine months. It’s Sabrina’s last year at home. (Sob!) I want everything to be perfect. (Sob!)

Hilda plucks a Kleenex and hands it to Zelda.

Hilda- You’re right. In nine months we can do all the magic that we want. There wont be any teenagers around (Sob!) to tell us how un-cool and out of style we are. (Sob!)

Zelda plucks a Kleenex for Hilda.

Zelda- (Sob!) I can always do that for you. (Sob!)

Hilda- (Sob!) Thanks Zellie.

They both blow their noses. Later they are in better mood as they give their niece her birthday presents.

Zelda- Don’t forget the one from your dad.

She hands over a large, flat, rectangular, gift wrapped box about seven inches deep.

Sabrina- Okay, it’s not a car, so I’m going with my second choice. It must be tickets to the Britney Spears concert.

Sabrina lifts the lid and a head pops out followed by a torso.

Edward- Surprise!

Sabrina- Dad! If the rest of you is in a Porsche, I’m the happiest girl in the world.

She puts the box down on the coffee table so Edward Spellman, Sabrina’s dad and her aunts brother, can climb out.

Hilda- I guess that explains the air-holes.

Edward- Ah Sabrina.

They hug.

Edward- (Cont.) I’m afraid my present is a little bit selfish this year.

Sabrina- Men’s shoes again?

Edward- No, I’m semi-retiring from the Other Realm Foreign Service, so I’m going to be settling down and I want you to come to Paris and live with me.

Sabrina- Live with you?

Hilda- Right now?

Edward- Well of course not. She needs time to pack.

He points at the floor and Sabrina’s luggage materialises. She’s packed.

Sabrina- Dad, I don’t know what to say.

Hilda- I know, how about ‘Thanks, but no thanks’?

Zelda- Would you excuse us? We have to check on those cakes.

She takes Hilda by the arm and drags her into the kitchen.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Someone is already checking on the cakes and finding them very much to his liking.

Hilda- Oh, we can’t let him do this! He can’t just pop in here and take our Sabrina away.

Zelda- He’s her father! Of course he can. We knew this day would come.

Hilda- Yes, but not for a long long time. (Sob!) Oh not fair! (Sob!)

She sits dejectedly at the table where two birthday cakes sit. One with a 1 on top, the other with an 8 and a black pussy sat between them.

Hilda- (Cont.) And there are paw prints all over my cake. (Sob!)

Salem- When I’m upset... I eat!

Zelda- Now listen, you’ve got to promise me that you’re not going to try to influence Sabrina’s decision. If she wants to leave us (Sob!) well (Sob!)

Sabrina- (OS) Dad, I’ll be right back.

Zelda quickly fires off the happy-face spell again forcing them both into a painfully large smile.

Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Isn’t this fantastic? Dad said he and Gail live in the magic quarter of Paris and their apartment is actually in the Eiffel Tower. Think of how many thousands of Japanese snap shots I’ll be in.

Even with their bright smiles the aunts cannot stop the tears of misery.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Are you crying?

Hilda- Onions.

Zelda- New cake recipe. Sometimes, I just don’t understand Martha Stewart.

There’s a tap at the back door and a grinning Harvey lets himself in.

Harvey- Happy birthday.

He kisses Sabrina then looks across at the broadly smiling aunts. Their teeth ping.

Harvey- (Cont.) Wow! This must be a fantastic party. You two look like you’re having a really good time.

Ext. Spellman back yard. Sabrina and Harvey sit on the garden seat as Sabrina opens Harvey’s present.

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo! Tickets to the Britney Spears concert!

Harvey- Actually they’re parking-lot passes. We have to listen to the concert from outside but we might get to see her when she runs to her limo.

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo! Parking-lot passes to the Britney Spears concert!

Harvey’s happy that Sabrina is easily please and kisses her again which pleases her even more.

Harvey- Y’know Sabrina, I think this is going to be the best year ever.

They hug but Sabrina has a sudden thought and turns to see her father sat alone in the living room. She has hard decisions ahead of her and that doesn’t please her one bit.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina has a heart to heart with her dad.

Sabrina- ...And so I just don’t think I can go right now...

Hilda and Zelda peek round the corner eves-dropping.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...I mean, there’s Harvey, and senior year starts tomorrow and I have a friend moving in with me and...

The aunts edge closer trying to contain their joy at Sabrina’s words.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...I hear the French can be really rude...

Edward- (Interrupting) Sabrina, it’s okay, I understand. Just promise me you’ll think about it. I miss having you close by.

Sabrina- I promise.

Hilda and Zelda have huge smiles on their faces and these have nothing to do with happy-face spells. The cling to each other with happiness mouthing silently ‘Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!’ Sabrina and her Dad notice them and look a little concerned.

Zelda- Checking each other for chiggers.

They start picking at one another in the time honoured way of primates everywhere.

Int. Westbridge High School, hallway. Sabrina comes round the corner to see the custodian scraping letters of the glass window of a door. The letter’s read:-

Mr. W. KRAFT

VICE PRINCIPLE

She feels a sudden rush of excitement.

Sabrina- Please tell me this means what I think it means?

Custodian- That my mother was right and I should have taken those classes to become a court reporter?

Sabrina- No, that Mr. Kraft is not coming back, thus proving that prayers are answered?

Custodian- They told me to take his name off the door. A new vice principle starts today.

Sabrina- (To Herself) No Libby. No Kraft. So this is what it’s like to peak.

Harvey comes up to her.

Harvey- Hey, guess what?

Sabrina- Well if my day keeps going the way it’s been going, you’ve got gold for me?

Harvey- No, but I have news. D’you remember Brad?

Sabrina- Your best friend who moved back to Texas? The guy who used to burn ants with a magnifying glass?

Harvey- That’s the guy, and he’s back. Come on, I can’t wait for you to meet him.

Brad’s hanging with some old pals and hurls the football down the hallway and the letterman catches it in his midriff with a ‘Ooof!’

Brad- Oh! Glad to see you learned how to catch while I was gone.

A pretty dark haired girl walks past.

Courtney- Hi Brad.

Brad- Well Hi right back at you Courtney.

He moves to follow with his most charming smile on when Harvey and Sabrina arrive.

Harvey- Hey Brad, I’d like you to meet Sabrina.

Brad tears his attention away from Courtney.

Brad- Sabrina! Oh it’s about time...

Sabrina comes round from behind Harvey and Brad stops dead in his tracks. He senses something very uncomfortable about this girl.

Sabrina- Hi.

It’s certainly not her looks. Short, cute, a real good looking girl but something, and she’s holding out her hand to him.

Brad- Hi. Hey Charlie!

He turns away and dashes off in pursuit of Charlie while Sabrina is left feeling shocked at the amount of hostility directed at her by a total stranger.

Sabrina- Nice to meet you too.

Harvey- Isn’t he great?

Sabrina- Yeah, it’s a good thing I don’t have a thorax.

Int. Spellman dining room. Potions everywhere. Odd shaped and coloured bottles cover the dining table. Hilda and Zelda pack them away in cardboard boxes.

Hilda- Why can’t we put all this stuff in the basement with the rest of the junk?

Zelda- Well, because we have to pack up all our potions before Valerie arrives. So I thought we might as well go through them. For example, this ‘Frog’s tongue’ expired in eighteen seventy-two.

Salem- (OS) Help! Fire!

The aunts bolt for the kitchen.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem wasn’t kidding. Smoke and flames billow from the toaster.

Salem- Help! Help!

Zelda- Salem! That’s a real toaster! I packed up the magic one this morning. It’s only for toast.

He looks at his burning mail.

Salem- Well that’s stupid.

Hilda carefully plucks the paper from the bread-burner and shakes out the flames and reads what’s still visible.

Hilda- You ordered a king sized cat-bed with magic fingers? And where do you expect to put that Hef?

Salem- In Sabrina’s room. It’s custom, so you have to order it months in advance.

Zelda- In advance of what?

Salem- Sabrina going away to collage. While you sob sisters have been snivelling at the thought of it, I’ve been planing ahead. Nine months and Salem’s gettin’ his own pad, yeah baby!

Hilda- Good luck opening the door.

Salem- Ngegh!!

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Sabrina comes from the counter with her lunch and sees Brad. She decides to give him another chance.

Sabrina- Hey, are you excited to be back in Westbridge? It must be great to know everyone missed you so...

Brad- (Interrupting) Yes, so erm...

He completely blows her off and heads for a vacant table.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Okay, if he calls me a freak, I’ll know that Libby got hold of some male hormones.

Harvey comes up behind her.

Harvey- Hey, there’s Brad. He saved us a seat.

Sabrina looks across to see him gesturing and pointing at a vacant seat at his table.

Sabrina- I think he saved you a seat, Harvey. I really don’t think he likes me.

Harvey- What are you talking about? Of course he likes you.

He leads her over to the table.

Harvey- (To Brad) Hey, can we make some room for Sabrina?

Brad- Yeah sure.

Harvey- (To Sabrina) See?

Brad- I was just getting up.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) See?

Brad heads off but Harvey catches up with him.

Harvey- Hey Brad, do you have some kind of a problem with Sabrina?

Brad- Sabrina? No, she’s cool. Why?

Harvey- No reason, forget about it.

Harvey goes back to Sabrina and Brad gets as far away from her as possible.

Harvey- He thinks you’re great.

Sabrina doesn’t believe that.

Int. Spellman living room. The aunts are sat on the stairs.

Zelda- All we’ve been doing is sitting around the house crying.

Hilda- Why don’t we go out somewhere fun and cheer ourselves up?

Zelda- That’s a great idea. Hey, you know that revival house down town is playing a fabulous double feature. ‘Terms of endearment’ and ‘Sophies choice’

Hilda- Perfect! I could use a good cry.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Harvey and Sabrina come out of the cafeteria.

Brad- (OS) Kinkle! Think fast!

His reflexes are pretty good as he catches the apple Brad has pitched at him from down the hallway.

Brad- Ha-ha! And don’t forget. My place, seven-thirty.

Harvey- We’ll be there.

Brad leaves.

Sabrina- What’s going on at seven-thirty? I thought we had a date?

Harvey- The guys are having this welcome back thing for Brad and I figured we could combine it with our date.

Sabrina- Shoot! And I was hoping we could go out for Chinese water-torture.

Harvey- What’s this problem you have with Brad?

Sabrina- The only problem I have with Brad is that Brad has a problem with me.

Harvey- I can kinda see why, you’re not being very welcoming.

Sabrina- Oh yeah, that whole friendly thing I do is so off-putting.

Harvey- Fine, we wont go to Brad’s house and have fun. We’ll go out.

Sabrina- Maybe I don’t wanna go out.

Harvey- Great, 'cause I don’t think I wanna take you out.

Sabrina- Great!

They walk off in separate directions. As soon as Harvey’s out of earshot.

Sabrina- Not great!

She’s so upset over her tiff with Harvey that she doesn’t even see the man she’s just bumped into.

Mr. Kraft- Hey!

Sabrina- Mr. Kraft?! What are you doing here? You’re not vice principle anymore.

Mr. Kraft- True. Ineffectual, purely a figurehead, vice principle Kraft is no-more. Now it is all seeing, all powerful, principle Kraft.

Sabrina- Principle?!!

She looks up to the heavens.

Sabrina- (Cont.) What am I, Jobe?

She gets no answer other than the self satisfied smile of her tormentor. She hurries off even more upset.

Mr. Kraft- (To himself) This is going to be the best year ever.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina comes in the back door to find it empty.

Sabrina- (Calling out) Hello! Crisis! Aunt Hilda?! Aunt Zelda?! Where is everybody?

She find the note they’ve left for her and the banister.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh, they’re having fun at the movies and dinner, as opposed to being here where they should be while I’m having a force five freak-out!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. She enters.

Sabrina- Salem, I’m in full crisis mode.

Her pet cat is stretched out and tucked in her bed and not very sympathetic.

Salem- U-hu. D’you think a mirrored ceiling would be too much or just enough?

Sabrina- Salem!!

The phone rings. Sabrina answers it.

Sabrina- If this is someone trying to switch my long-distance, I swear... Valerie? Oh thank goodness. Someone to talk to. Listen, Mr. Kraft is principle, Harvey has this obnoxious friend and we had a huge fight... Wait... Aren’t you supposed to be on a plane?... What?!... No, of course I understand... Sure... Okay... Bye.

She puts down the phone.

Sabrina- Valerie’s not coming. She can’t leave her family.

Salem- YES! Look who’s talking now!

Sabrina- This is gonna be the worst year of my life!

She has a sudden thought.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Unless...

She turns to leave.

Salem- Sabrina, where are you going?

Sabrina turns and points. Her bags are packed and she’s on her way to.

Sabrina- Paris.

Int. Spellman apartment, Paris. The view is superb from the Eiffel Tower as Sabrina starts a letter to Harvey.

Sabrina- Dear Harvey, The view from my dads apartment is...

She scrubs it out and starts again.

Sabrina- Er My dads apartment is located in the Eiffel...

She scrubs it out again.

Sabrina- The cheese is great.

She gives up and scrumples the letter up as Gail enters.

Gail- Oh bonjure Sheri.

Sabrina- Bonjure.

Gail’s pet beagle, Melvin, walks over to her with it’s food bowl in its jaws.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey Melvinm, do you want me to get you some food?

Gail- That’s your stepbrothers job. (Calling out) Donald!

The dog bowl fills up magically.

Gail- (Calling out) Thank you.

Sabrina- Silly me, I was gonna do it the mortal way but then I’m so bourgeois.

Her dad enters ready to go.

Edward- Okay, we’d better get going if we want to beat the crowds at Euro-Disney again.

Gail- I’ll get Donald.

Sabrina- Oh, actually I was kinda hoping I’d be starting school today.

Edward- Oh honey I’m sorry, I keep forgetting to look into that. Look, why don’t I just zap you in a tutor? You like Einstein?

Sabrina- Thanks but... Y’know, even if kids here do consider bathing a quirky personality trait, I really think I’d rather be going to a regular high school with kids my own age.

Edward- You are definitely your mortal mothers daughter. Alright, let's go.

Sabrina- Er, actually I think I’m going to hang out here today. I’m feeling a little home-sick, or maybe it’s the cream-sauce from breakfast.

Edward- Well you can always check up on people on the mortal channel. I mean I pay for the premium package, somebody might as well use it.

He picks up the remote and flicks on the TV and leaves her to it. She flops down on the settee in front of the box.

Sabrina- (To herself) Yeah, watching people who probably don’t care less that I’m gone, that’ll cheer me up. (To Melvin) We’ll have a good day together wont we? Just you and me, right? Melvin? Melvin?

Melvin’s snoring softly beside his licked clean dog bowl with his paws in the air.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina’s not the only one feeling gutted by her bust up with Harvey. His body-language yells pain and upset, his shirt smells ‘Wash me!’

Brad- (OS) Yo Kinkle, Think fast!

The ball hits Harvey in the chest and falls to the floor, no attempt was made to catch it. Brad approaches his friend.

Brad- Hey, Y’know you’ve been wearing that shirt for three days?

Harvey- Four, this is what I was wearing the last time I saw Sabrina.

They come round the corner and see Mr. Kraft and the Janitor at Sabrina’s locker. The custodian is spraying disinfectant into the locker and scrubbing it clean.

Mr. Kraft- Yeah, get it all in there.

Harvey runs up to them angrily.

Harvey- What’re you doing to Sabrina’s locker?!

Mr. Kraft- Erasing every last memory and molecule of Miss Spellman.

Int. Spellman apartment. Paris. Sabrina’s still veging in front of the TV with Melvin slumped across her lap. She desperately wants to check up on Harvey.

Sabrina- I don’t know if I wanna check up on Harvey. I mean, we had that stupid fight and he probably doesn’t even miss me.

Melvin is totally unresponsive.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(To Melvin) All right! Quit badgering me, I’ll look.

She flicks the remote and a close up of Harvey comes on screen. He’s laughing so hard, tears are creeping from his eyes.

Sabrina- Oh, well he certainly seems to be keeping his anguish in check.

Another peel of laughter rises from the TV screen.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Yeah, apperantly the healing has begun. He is so over me.

She flicks the TV off feeling a different kind of tears stinging her own eyes.

Int. Westbridge High School, Biology class. Harvey’s laughter peels round the classroom but that’s hardly surprising since he has his shoe and sock off and is being tickled on the sole with a feather. Mr. Kraft finally puts the feather down.

Mr. Kraft- Okay, thank you Mr. Kinkle for helping me demonstrate how stimulating the nervous system can provoke an involuntary response. In this case laughter.

Harvey- (Aside to Brad) Sabrina’s ticklish behind the ears.

Mr. Kraft- (To Harvey) May I recommend a strong anti-fungal? (To himself) I hate substituting.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda brings in the boxes of potions and finds Hilda sobbing her heart out face down on the settee.

Zelda- Hilda please, please pull yourself together. You’ve got to stop crying.

Hilda- (Sob!) Why? (Sob!)

Zelda- Because whenever I see you doing it <Sniff> I start (Sob!)

Hilda- Oh sure! <Sniff!> Blame me. (Sob!) Yes, it’s all Hilda’s fault. (Sob!)

They both dab at their eyes with Kleenex’s

Hilda- (Cont.) I’m sorry, I don’t mean to take it out on you (Sob!) You’re all I have. <Sniff>

Zelda- Think how I feel <Sniff> You’re all I have. (Sob! Sob!)

Hilda glares through red eyes at her sister.

Zelda- (Cont.) Here-Help with these boxes. <Sniff> It’s good to keep busy.

She hands Hilda one of the boxes and they get up from the settee with a rattle of bottles.

Zelda- (Cont.) And be careful, there are potions in there.

Hilda- I know, you don’t always have to oh...!

The bottom falls out of Hilda’s box along with a whole bunch of mixed potions. When they smash on the carpet they react with one another producing swirling, magical, coloured smoke that envelops the two witches. When the smoke clears there are two king penguins standing over the debris of broken potion bottles.

Hilda Penguin- D’you wanna wreak havoc in Gotham City?

Int. Spellman apartment. Paris. Melvin is zonked-out on the settee and Sabrina’s still at a loose end.

Sabrina- (To Melvin) Well Harvey might not care that I’m gone but I’m sure my aunts miss me.

She flips on the TV with the remote. Hilda and Zelda appear on the TV laughing outrageously.

Sabrina- (Cont. ) Uncontrollable laughter must be one of the stages of grief.

Zelda- You looked ridiculous.

Hilda- Oh me! You should have seen you. E-e-e-e-e-e!

She waddles around in a penguin impersonation producing fresh gales of laughter.

Sabrina- They’re so happy I’m gone, they’re giddy.

She’s about to turn it off in disgust when.

Zelda- Wait. Wait. Do you hear something?

A distinct sobbing can be heard.

Hilda- I hear crying. Salem?

They go off to see what’s up.

Sabrina- Finally, someone misses me. Granted, I would have bet big money it wouldn’t be the cat.

The picture changes to Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem’s on the bed as the aunts arrive.

Salem- (Sob! Sob! Sob! Sob!)

Zelda- Salem, are you all right? Oh tell Zelda what’s the matter.

Salem- It’s... (Sob!) It’s... (Sob!) It’s the drapes! They clash with the new comforter. (Sob!) I can’t return them.

Hilda and Zelda look round at the new decor in the room while Sabrina’s upset rises a few more notches.

Sabrina- My beds not even cold and he’s moving in already!

She turns off the TV in disgust.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Y’know, it seems like the only person who’s excited to see me is my dad. I’ve got to do everything possible to try to fit in here. What do you think?

Melvin snores contentedly with his tongue hanging out.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You’re dead, aren’t you Melvin?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Zelda has her hands planted firmly on her hips which can’t be good news for someone.

Zelda- You self-absorbed cat! I know that’s redundant.

Salem- (Sob!) Okay! Truth time. I don’t care about curtains, I’m upset because I miss Sabrina. Everything in here reminds me of her.

Hilda- Because it is hers!

Salem- (Sob!) I miss my Sabrini. (Sob!)

Zelda- Sabrini?

Int. Spellman apartment. Paris. Sabrina and her Father come in from the balcony where they have been enjoying the night time view of Paris... and talking things out.

Sabrina- I’ve been rethinking this whole mortal high school thing. Learning English as a second language, downing goose liver and snail sandwiches. No thank you.

Edward- Sabrina, this doesn’t sound like you.

Sabrina- Oh really, don’t you recognise my voice?

Edward- Are you unhappy here?

Sabrina- No! Not at all. It’s just... Well... I was supposed to go to this Britney Spears concert and...

Edward- (Interrupting) Say no more!

He points.

Britney- (Singing) You’re so into me.

She looks around herself confused. One second, Red Rocks California, next, an apartment with a picture window view of Piris, but she's professional enough to carry on with the show. Sabrina stands open mouthed as her idol performs just for her... and her dad.

Britney- (Singing) That I’m the only one you will see.
Tell me I’m not into blue.
That I’m not wastin’ my feelings on you.

Sabrina- (To her dad) This is so cool!

Britney- (Singing) Every time I look at you.
My heart is jumpin’ what can I do?
You drive me crazy!
I just can’t sleep...

Edward- (To Sabrina) It’s good to see smile again.

Britney- (Singing) I’m so excited,
I’m in too deep...

Edward gets up and leaves her to her all singing, all dancing show.

Britney- (Singing) Whoa-oh-oh Crazy!
But it feels alright...

Sabrina looks around to find herself alone and starts to get a little uncomfortable.

Britney- (Singing) Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, now it’s just weird.

Britney- You’re not enjoying this are you?

Sabrina- No, it’s great! It’s just.. it’s not that much fun alone.

Britney- Tell me about it.

Sabrina- Like you’d know. You’re always surrounded by people.

Britney- And sometimes that’s the loneliest place to be. Y’know, maybe that’s why I’ve been having these weird one on one dreams so often. They drive me crazy.

Later. Sabrina gives Britney a few dance lessons as they talk.

Sabrina- So what am I supposed to do? I mean, I can’t tell my dad I wanna go back home.

Britney- Why not? I mean, he needs to realise you're not fitting in and besides, you came here for all the wrong reasons.

As they talk they dance to the magical backing track. Britney watches Sabrina’s footwork with some concern.

Britney- (Cont.) Okay, we’ll do it your way. Right foot first.

Sabrina- Easier huh?

Britney- Hmm, not really.

Sabrina- So what do you mean, for all the wrong reasons?

Britney- Well it sounds like, to me, that you’re running away from your problems. Takin’ the easy way out.

Sabrina- Takin’ the easy way out. That’s a great idea for a song. Dibs on royalties.

Sabrina starts to get a little carried away with her dancing bringing flash-backs to her attempt at cheerleading. Britney’s concern grows.

Britney- Can I go home now?

Sabrina- Sure, thanks.

She points and the teen pop sensation vanishes in a swirl of sparkles. Sabrina continues her less than stunning dance moves.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Great voice, but she really needs to work on the dance moves.

Her father enters.

Edward- Sabrina, I need to talk to you.

Sabrina- Oh dad, I need to talk to you too.

Edward- I have to go to Pluto.

Sabrina- You first.

Edward- A civil war has broken out there that, unfortunately, means I’m going to be gone for quite a while. Now you’re welcome to stay here with Gail and Donald but... I think you might be much happier...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Back home.

Edward- Yep.

Sabrina hugs her dad tightly.

Sabrina- Thanks.

Int. Spellman living room. The whole house is in darkness as Sabrina comes down from the linen closet.

Sabrina- (Calling out) Hello? I’m home! Where is everybody? I can’t believe aunt Hilda and aunt Zelda went out again. Dad told them I was coming home.

She walks to the dining room doors and slides them open.

Hilda, Zelda and Salem- Surprise!

And she is, to find them all there with a banner up saying ‘Welcome home Sabrina’ and... cake. Zelda’s first to greet her niece with a hug.

Zelda- Oh welcome home honey, we missed you.

Salem- Sabrini!

Sabrina- Sabrini?

Hilda- I’m so happy you're back!

She hugs Sabrina lifting her clear off the floor while Zelda gets the cake.

Sabrina- <Gasp!> Put me down! That’s great, I’m so glad to be back and I’m so glad you're glad I’m back. There are paw prints in my cake.

Salem- When I’m happy... I eat.

Sabrina- I guess we can all thank that civil war on Pluto.

Zelda- Is that what it was? Would you excuse us for a moment.

She grabs Salem before he can make his escape and carries him through to the living room.

Salem- No! (Sob!) But... But I want cake! It’s the other way. (Sob!)

She sits down with him on the settee.

Zelda- All right, spill. Did you have anything to do with this civil war on Pluto?

Salem- Define ‘Anything’

She gives him the look and he knows he’s not getting away with it.

Salem- (Cont.) Well I might have made a few phone calls to some ne’er-do-well friends who owe me a favour or two, but I only did it because I wanted Sabrina back. You aren’t gonna turn me in to the Witches Council are ya?

Zelda- Well something has to be done. How about I fry you up a thick salmon fillet?

He gasps as Zelda leans down and kisses him on top of his furry little head and goes off to the kitchen.

Salem- All those years of war mongering and that’s the first time anyone’s ever said thank you.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina enters but she’s got something large and heavy attached limpet like to her and is finding it a little difficult to breath, let alone walk.

Harvey- I can’t believe you’re back. I missed you so much.

Sabrina- I missed you too but you have to let go or I can’t get in my locker.

Harvey- Promise you wont go away again?

Sabrina- I promise, and promise you’ll change your shirt!

Reluctantly Harvey loosens his grip on Sabrina as Brad passes with his arm round a cute little red-head.

Harvey- Hey Brad, look who’s back.

Brad spares Sabrina a fleeting glance.

Brad- Oh, hey Sabrina.

And carries on his way.

Sabrina- Hi Brad, thanks. Paris was great. (To Harvey) I still don’t get him.

Harvey chases after his friend and catches up just round the corner.

Harvey- Hey Brad.

Brad- Oh Wassup pard’ner?

Harvey- Y’know, ya gotta start being nicer to Sabrina.

Brad- I said ‘Hey Sabrina’

Harvey- Yeah but next time when you say ‘Hey Sabrina’ ya gotta say it like you mean ‘HEY! Sabrina’

Sabrina has come up to the corner and overhears. She sees Brad slap him on the shoulder

Brad- You must really love this girl.

Harvey- Yeah... Don’t tell coach.

Sabrina sighs happily as the boys go off together.

Sabrina- (To herself) Yep! This is gonna be the best year ever.

Mr. Kraft- Miss Spellman, what are you doing back.

She doesn’t even bother to turn round. She just raises her finger and has Mr. Kraft dancing to ‘Drives me Crazy’ by her new friend, Britney Spears, much to the amusement of the student body.

Mr. Kraft- (To the laughing students) Have you never seen anybody get jiggy before?

Ext. The Westbridge Auditorium. A white stretch-limo awaits as a crush of people line the barriers. Squashed down in front, near the stage door are Sabrina and Harvey.

Harvey- Now this was fun, even though we didn’t get to see the show.

Sabrina- Well yeah, but I almost heard one song. This has been the best birthday ever.

The stage door opens.

Harvey- Oh look! There she is.

A cheer goes up from placard wielding fans as Britney Spears comes out smiling flanked by minders. She waves as people stretch out with autograph books and stops for a second before someone she thinks she recognises from somewhere. She smiles at the girl and waves before getting into the limo to be whisked off to her hotel.

Harvey- Wow Sabrina, she looked at you like she knew you.

Sabrina- Yeah! Oh... in her dreams.

As the limo leaves someone else comes dancing through the stage door and passes Sabrina and Harvey.

Mr. Kraft- They shoot horses don’t they?

The Video to ‘Drive me crazy’ by Britney Spears, featuring a young actress by the name of Melissa Joan Hart, is played over the credits.