Sabrina, The Teenage Writer

Int. Spellman kitchen. The Spellman family are sitting down to breakfast. The toaster pings.

Salem- Toast is up!

Zelda- That’s odd, we weren’t making toast.

Hilda gets the morning mail from the toaster. It’s heavy, it's long and it clanks.

Hilda- Oh-no! It’s a chain-letter.

Sabrina- They are no metaphors in the Other Realm are there?

Hilda- Other Realm chain-letters are the worst. If we don’t immediately send strong iron chains to twenty other people horrible things will befall us. Okay, so which of my dearest friends do I hate the most?

Zelda- Hold it right there. Bad luck is not brought on by silly superstitions like chain-letters.

Sabrina- You’re right, they’re brought on by black cats.

Salem- That is a hateful stereotype. It’s brought on by midgets in dresses.

Zelda- We are going to throw this chain-letter away.

She gathers up the long length of chain and dumps it in the trash-can while Sabrina’s still trying to figure out the midgets in dresses scenario.

Zelda- (Cont.) And nothing horrible will happen.

She folds her arms with supreme confidence and gives a firm snap of her bat-wings. Hilda just flutters hers uncertainly. They look at one another.

Hilda- I’m sure this is just a coincidence.

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School English Lit. class. The teacher hands out marked homework.

Valerie- (Excited) A ‘B’! (To Sabrina) What’d you get?

Sabrina- A ‘C’ minus?!

Valerie- Wow! This is the first time I ever got a better grade than you. Yep, it’s my paper.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Your characters are un-developed and your plot seems contrived.’ Of course it’s contrived, I made it up.

Harvey- Hey, I got a ‘C’ plus, what did you get?

Valerie- She got a ‘C’ minus.

Libby- Sabrina got a ‘C’ minus? (To the class) Sabrina, the genius, got a ‘C’ minus!

Harvey- I always feel the minus part is personal.

Sabrina- I’ve never had a ‘C’ minus in my whole life!

She has a frightening image of herself sat on a stool in the corner of the class with a pointed dunce hat on and the gap-toothed, goofy smile of a simpleton. The bell rings bringing her thankfully back to reality.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ve gotta talk to Mr. Franco... and remember to floss.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina catches up with the English teacher.

Sabrina- Mr. Franco, I wanted to talk to you about this ‘C’ minus I got on my paper.

Mr. Franco- And I’m sure you’ll do better next time.

Sabrina- Well I’m horribly upset about it this time. I’ve kinda grown accustomed to getting ‘A’s. They really cushion the blow when I get a pimple or have to climb the rope during gym class.

Mr. Franco- Sabrina, everyone gets a ‘C’ once in a while and no-one can climb the rope in gym class. It’s there to humiliate people.

He walks off leaving Sabrina with no doubt the conversation is over.

Sabrina- (To herself) I should have trusted my instincts and taken metal-shop.

Harvey catches up with her.

Harvey- (Excited) Hey, I have to get to gym class. We get to climb the rope today.

He leaves.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda have an Other Realm post office representative round so they can complain about the chain-letter but they’re having trouble getting their angry point across with the foot long tongues hanging from the mouths

Postmaster- So to recap. You have done nothing to respond to this chain-letter?

They both reach up and pinch their tongues with their fingers.

Postmaster- You’ve both held your tongues, excellent! You will find the best way to stop a chain-letter is to simply ignore it.

Zelda flaps her tongue at Hilda in an ‘I told you so’ kind of way.

Postmaster- (Cont.) Just let the professionals track down the culprit and bring him to justice.

Hilda waggles her tongue incoherently.

Postmaster- (Cont.) You can’t lose faith, ‘cause if I must say so myself, I think all of us are doing a pretty good job. Ladies.

He stands revealing a long prehensile monkey-tail on his rear.

Postmaster- (Cont.) Oh, well we can’t catch everybody now can we?

Int. Westbridge High School study hall. Sabrina is having a crisis of confidence as she frets over her story.

Mrs. Quick- Sabrina, is something bothering you? You look like I do when I’ve accidentally eaten apricots. Your larynx hasn’t collapsed has it?

Sabrina- No, I’m just working hard on this story. I got a ‘C’ minus on the last one.

Mrs. Quick- I heard.

Sabrina- I’m working hard to prove it was an abhoration.

Mrs. Quick- Oh then I’m sure this one is wonderful. Let me hear some.

Sabrina- Okay, well it’s supposed to be a genre piece so I picked romance. (Reading) ‘Claire looked at Robert and Robert looked at Claire. Claire and Robert were looking at each other. Claire didn’t want to fall in love but nothing in her crazy life made sense and she lost all feeling in her thumbs.’

Mrs. Quick- You don’t have to be good at everything.

Mr. Kraft enters to gloat.

Mr. Kraft- Well if it isn’t C-brina. Perhaps you can improve your grades by studying in detention.

Sabrina- Detention! What’d I do?

Mr. Kraft- Even John Grisham has to pick up his trash.

He points down at the ankle deep pile of screwed up paper round Sabrina’s feet.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Huh Missy? Or should I say Miss ‘C’ minus?

He hands over the detention-slip and walks off laughing at his own wit.

Int. Spellman dining room

Zelda- More sugar for your tea?

She hands over the sugar bowl but with her large, horribly swollen hands she can’t get a good grip and drops it over the table.

Hilda- Oh! It’s more awkward than when we had lunch with the elephant man. Please let me send the chain-letters and get rid of these annoying curses. Please!

She slaps her own hugely swollen hands together in supplication.

Zelda- No! We’re taking the Postmasters advice and not giving in.

Hilda- Fine! Then get your big, fat hand out of my way.

She bats Zelda’s hand away from the sandwiches.

Zelda- You get your big, fat hand out of my way!

She slaps back knocking the ham on rye flying. They begin an ineffectual slapping match with their big, fat hands.

Zelda- Oh!

Hilda- Aw! You broke my big, fat nail!

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina sits on the settee with her feet up watching TV with Salem. Zelda with the big, fat hands enters.

Zelda- Hey, shouldn’t you be working on your story?

Sabrina- I’m trying to find some stupid inspiration to write my stupid story.

Salem- I recommended she watch this spy movie.

Zelda- Is this movie helping you at all?

Sabrina- Well so far it’s about a very handsome spy who drives a sports car with machine-guns in the headlights, beautiful women, an evil scientist with an eye-patch, more beautiful women and a plot to corner the uranium market but I’m only ten minutes in.

Zelda- Maybe you’d be more inspired if you had the classic accoutrements of a writer.

Salem- Gin, night-sweats and a bad marriage?

Zelda- I was talking about my old manual type-writer. It always used to inspire me when I was in college. I think it’s still up in the attic.

Sabrina- Well I’ll try anything. It beats sitting around with Salem yelling ‘Bring it on, baby!’ every time there’s a woman on the screen.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina feeds a sheet of paper round the old manual type-writers drum.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, here goes nothing. Hopefully a well written nothing. Let’s see. (Typing) ‘International spy, Derek Kink, has been given the assignment of stopping... ‘ I need a villain. ‘...Doctor... Bad,’ I’ll fix that later. Er ‘An evil scientist bent on taking over the world.’ Huh, I’m good. Wow, soon my face will be on the side of Barnes and Noble bags.

She continues to type.

Int. Spellman dining room. Hilda stands over the Lab-top and adds the last ingredient. There’s a puff of smoke and she laughs delightedly as she pulls the chain-letters out of the bowl. They are steel letters joined as links in a chain. But Zelda has heard her sisters little explosion and comes running.

Zelda- Hilda!

Hilda- Go away! I am mailing these chain-letters tonight and getting rid of these wolf ears!

Zelda- No!

Hilda- Yes!

Zelda’s sensitive wolf ears pick up a police siren in the distance and she stops bickering long enough to howl in concert with the siren. Hilda joins in the wolfs chorus.

Zelda- Where were we?

Hilda- Yes!

Zelda- No!

Hilda- Yes!

Zelda- No!

Int. Westbridge High School English Lit. class. Mr. Franco hands out the marked papers.

Sabrina- (To Valerie) I aced my story, I just know it.

Valerie- I might have blown mine, I wrote a techno-thriller but I set it in the twenties.

Sabrina gets her paper.

Sabrina- ‘C’! But that’s impossible! I typed it on a manual type-writer! The same kind William Faulkner used when he wasn’t passed-out drunk on the veranda!

The school bell rings.

Valerie- Oh well, if it makes you feel any better, I’ve gotten so many ‘C’s my next ones free.

Libby- And if it makes you feel any worse, I got a ‘B’.

Sabrina- (To Mr. Franco) Can I talk to you about this?

Mr. Franco- Sure, I felt this story was better but it had some of the same problems as the first one. Even though the spy genre was a good choice, the characters didn’t seem real.

Sabrina- Didn’t seem real? But I based them all on real people. I mean come on. Doctor Bad, an evil scientist who kills teenagers with detention-slips of death? Sound like a certain crafty vice-principle?

Mr. Franco- Did you give much thought to that name, Doctor Bad?

Sabrina- But! And Derek Kink! Harvey Kinkle? I mean it was practically non-fiction!

Int. School hallway. Mr. Franco walks out of the classroom with Sabrina hanging on his heels.

Mr. Franco- But it’s not character development. A good writer knows everything about her characters. Their history, their strengths and weaknesses and what motivates them.

He walks off.

Sabrina- (Calling after) I put it in a nice binder!

A passing student catches the eye of Mr. Kraft as he comes out of a class room. Mr. Kraft stops him.

Mr. Kraft- Shirt un-tucked.

He hands the boy a detention-slip.

Sabrina- (To herself) I drew straight from life.

She turns from watching Mr. Kraft and sees a man very like Mr. Kraft wearing all black with a shaved head and an eye-patch drive his motorised wheel-chair passed another student.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Doctor Bad?!

Dr. Bad- (To the student) Here’s your detention slip... of death.

He laughs evilly as he drives away.

Sabrina- Oh-no! My characters have come to life... and that means that student is about to die!

Sabrina runs down the hall in a race against time. She snatches the detention-slip from the girls fingers and throws it into a nearby trash-can just in the nick-of-time. The detention slip explodes, smoke billows from the trash can.

Student- All I did was wear my skates to school.

She shrugs and skates off down the hallway.

Sabrina- (To herself) And Mr. Franco said that my characters weren’t real. I’ve got to stop Doctor Bad! She runs down the hallway and jumps back when she reaches a corner and spots the evil scientist with his evil side-kick, Lidia.

Dr. Bad- Ah Lidia. Lidia Kissandkill, my favourite double agent.

He kisses Lidia’s hand as she poses in her all black cheerleader uniform holding her lethal black pom-poms.

Lidia- And this is my newest weapon, the Pom-bomb. A cheerleader tosses it at someone, say a spy, and then. Ra-rasis Boom! Oh dear, his head came off.

Dr. Bad- Oh It’s marvellous what they can do with a little crepe-paper and plastic explosives.

They laugh evilly as Libby comes up on the eavesdropping Sabrina and taps her on the shoulder. Sabrina jumps in surprise with a little scream.

Libby- About you crashing GPA, there’s an enrichment programme for remedial students. They have chocolate milk and once a year they take a trip to the zoo.

Libby walks off pleased to have got a dig in at her favourite enemy, but Sabrina has more pressing matters on her mind.

Sabrina- (To Herself) How did magic get into my story? I have to get home and talk to my aunts.

She’s about to zap herself home when she’s accosted by another person.

Sabrina- Valerie!

Vivian- It’s Vivian.

Sabrina- Oh right, Vivian Soontodie, the beautiful agent who works with Derek Kink and UNICEF.

How could she have mistaken her for Valerie? Valerie doesn’t normally walk around school in glamorous make-up and a skin-tight black PVC cat suit. Mrs. Peel eat your heart out.

Vivian- We have to meet Derek.

Sabrina- I’d love to, but I really have to get home.

She tries to push past Vivian but the highly trained secret agent has no trouble in stopping the teenage high school student.

Vivian- I have a black belt in twenty-four disciplines of oriental marshal-arts.

Sabrina- Then clearly I’m coming with you.

Valerie was never this pushy either. They come round the corner and stop.

Sabrina- Harvey?!

The suave black suited man turns to face her. What is it with spy’s and black anyway?

Derek- Kink’s the name. Derek Kink, of the European Special Service.

He reaches into his locker.

Derek- Have a smoothie?

He hands a cocktail glass to Sabrina who smiles.

Vivian- Derek, we have to get to our briefing.

Derek- Right.

Sabrina- And I have to get home.

But Vivian has other ideas and drags Sabrina along with them.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh! Hey you’re making me spill my smoothie!

Int. School Science class. Well actually it’s the secret laboratory of the European Special Service run by their answer to ‘Q’ who looks remarkably like Mrs. Quick in a lab-coat. Derek, Vivian and a reluctant Sabrina enter.

Derek- Ah, Mrs. Doohicky.

Mrs. Doohicky- No time for niceties Kink, we have the special equipment you’ll be needing for this assignment. These seemingly innocent looking erasers when clapped together emit a poisonous gas.

She demonstrates and Vivian gets a snout-full of the gas. Her eyes cross and she slumps to the floor.

Derek- Chalk up another success.

Mrs. Doohicky- Fortunately the effects are only temporary.

Derek and Mrs. D. bend down to revive the vivacious Vivian and Sabrina sees her chance to get out of this mad house.

Sabrina- Well good luck with your weapons and poison, I’ll just toddle along.

She duck out of the classroom and runs right into Harvey and Valerie. She jumps back in briefly confused surprise with a little scream.

Harvey- Are you okay?

Sabrina- Yeah! Um that last scream really cleared out my sinuses.

Valerie- Are you going to lunch?

Sabrina- Can’t! I’ve gotta go home and figure out... why I forgot my lunch.

She dashes off.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda are watching TV.

Zelda- I don’t like this show. Do you have the remote?

Hilda- No, I foolishly forgot to pick it up before I unexpectedly grew eight feet.

And it’s mostly in the legs. It looks like they’re wearing stilts.

Zelda- I’ll blame the altitude for your rudeness.

Sabrina comes running in from school.

Sabrina- The characters from my story are alive!

She realises she talking to their knee-caps and looks up, and up, and up.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Thank goodness my home can be a shelter from the madness.

Hilda- Sabrina, could you speak up? It’s hard to hear you from up here.

Sabrina- The people in my spy story, they came to life and are running around my school!

Zelda- The only way that could possibly happen is if you accidentally used Hilda’s magic type-writer but she got rid of that years ago, didn’t you Hilda?

Hilda- By ‘get rid of’ you don’t mean ‘kept’ do you?

Zelda- Hilda!

Hilda- I’m sorry, I know I was supposed to give it away but I just-I love writing romance stories with myself as the heroine and then watching them come to life. It isn’t pathetic is it?

Sabrina- Can we come up with a solution? There’s a group of international spy’s running around my school... and my neck is killing me.

Zelda- Oh dear, what kind of an ending did you write for your story?

Sabrina- Well it was late and I was really tired so I just had Doctor Bad...

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Dr. Bad explains his diabolical plan to Lidia. He caresses a large and complex bomb covered with coloured wires and digital timer displays. It ticks ominously.

Dr. Bad- When this bomb goes off all the teenagers will be annihilated and everyone will think they were killed in a science lab experiment gone terribly awry.

Lidia- Doctor Bad, you are a genius, an evil genius.

Int. Spellman living room.

Sabrina- I had them blow up the school!

Zelda- When you’re working with a magic type-writer you can never let your characters die!

Sabrina- Well I didn’t know I was working with a magic type-writer!

Zelda- Right! Sorry! The problem is, when your characters die, their real life counterparts also die.

Sabrina- Oh, and I just spent the last two years foolishly making friends.

Hilda- I suggest you go up to your room and rewrite that ending.

Zelda- Don’t worry, we’ll help you.

Sabrina dashes up stairs.

Hilda- How are you planning for us to get upstairs?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The bedroom window opens and Hilda and Zelda peer in. The first floor window is at just the right height. Sabrina is already at the type-writer.

Zelda- There, see?

Hilda- Man, there are a lot of Frisbee’s on the roof.

Sabrina- I’ve got the ending. Doctor Bad is about to blow up the school but then... decides not to.

Zelda- Honey you can’t just force the ending, it has to come from the characters history, motivated by their strengths and weaknesses.

Sabrina- That’s the same thing Mr. Franco said and I still find it annoying.

Hilda- D’you wanna know what the good news is? If you find the right ending it practically writes itself. What is my bra doing on the room?

Salem- Er the squirrels need a nut-feeder.

Zelda- Sabrina, we can help you write a new ending. Try this, Um Doctor Bad has captured Derek and tied him to a buzz-saw...

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Where a convenient buzz-saw is suddenly situated. Derek Kink slowly moves along the conveyer belt that he’s tied to as Dr. Bad and Lidia watch on gloating. The circular blade whizzes round ready to slice Derek lengthways.

Derek- There’s always been an unpleasant edge to you Doctor Bad.

Dr. Bad- I am killing you just to stop the puns.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom.

Zelda- Suddenly, Doctor Bad turns to Lidia and says...

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria.

Dr. Bad- Turn off the saw.

She does just in time to save private Kink.

Lidia- Why?

Dr. Bad- Why? Well the way the courts have been cracking down on evil geniuses lately, it just wouldn’t be practical for me to kill him. I’d end up having to pay a legion of lawyers which I’m sure would just wipe out my entire retirement-plan.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Zelda’s pleased with her final plot twist.

Hilda- That’s a terrible ending!

Zelda- I thought it was very contemporary.

Hilda- You have to come up with a believable ending or your characters will just reject it.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria.

Dr. Bad- What am I saying! Turn the saw back on! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

He and Lidia continue to laugh maniacally while Derek resumes his frantic struggles.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom.

Hilda- Fictional characters can be such prima donna’s.

Sabrina- Can we get back to the ticking bomb that’s going to vaporise all my friends? Not to mention the only candy-machine in town that has Nut-rageous bars.

Hilda- Right! Try this. As the other characters look on helplessly, Derek Kink and Doctor Bad are locked in a fight to the death...

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Derek circles the evil geniuses wheel-chair.

Dr. Bad- Yes, I have found a worthy opponent in you Kink. Much too worthy to kill, how about a square-dance instead?

Derek- Delightful!

The fiddle music starts and the two start to dance. Lidia, Vivian and Mrs. Doohicky join in.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom.

Zelda- Huh! That’s a much worse ending than mine.

Hilda- It’s an unexpected twist! Who are you people to judge my art?

Sabrina- No wonder I’m no good at this, look at my gene-pool.

Salem- A cat could write a better ending than that... and will if you start typing. Kink had surprised Doctor Bad...

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Derek has a surprised Dr. Bad in a headlock.

Derek- You’re through Doctor Bad. I-I-I would like to ask you to square-dance.

Dr. Bad- Oh.

Strike up the fiddle again.

Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda- Salem!

Salem- Okay! I froze! <Sob!>

Zelda- O-ho! We’re changing again.

The two aunts suddenly drop from view with a crash and a yell.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Two jolly green, with black spots, normal sized aunts come in from the garden picking twigs from their hair.

Hilda- You had to plant rose-bushes under Sabrina’s window.

Sabrina comes down stairs carrying the cumbersome type-writer in her arms.

Sabrina- I’ve figured something out.

Zelda- Oh, the ending?

Sabrina- No, I figured out I’m no writer; I’m a do-er. So I’m gonna go back to school and solve this thing myself, in person.

She points and vanishes in a swirl of sparkles. The hideous looking sisters look at each other.

Hilda- There’s a little something in your teeth Zellie.

As Zelda goes to pick it out they change again. This time back to their normal states.

Zelda- Hey! No spots! No wings! No webbed-feet! Hilda, we’ve beaten the chain-letter! I knew I was right to hold out against that silly superstition.

Hilda- Actually, I sent out twenty letters this morning. I was not going to apply mascara to my six new eyes!

Zelda- Oh well, I have to admit it’s kind of a relief to be normal again.

Hilda- I liked being taller though.

Zelda- I know, you can wear anything when you’re tall.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina hurries down the hallway with the type-writer and spots Dr. Bad handing out another detention-slip of death. she ducks back round the corner.

Sabrina- They’re loose in the school again. I’ve got to somehow get them together and disarm the bomb. Vivian!

She runs down the hall to the dark haired girl she’s spotted.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Where’s Derek?

Valerie- Huh? Wouldn’t a lap-top computer be more convenient?

Sabrina- I still can’t work Windows ninety-five. Gotta go.

She hurries on her way.

Valerie- (To herself) If I’m her weird friend, I must be really weird.

In another part of the hallway.

Mr. Kraft- Excuse me! Even the head cheerleader can’t be in the hallway without a pass.

The gum chewing Lidia pulls out her lip-stick laser blaster, pulls off the top and zaps a hole in the wall beside Mr. Kraft’s head before nonchalantly strolling off.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) (To himself) Okay, I’m having a heart-attack and I have to fill out a form for the hole.

He slides down the wall in a faint. Meanwhile in another part of the hallway the head cheerleader comes upon who she thinks is Valerie.

Libby- Talk about a glamour don’t. Cat-suits went out six years ago.

Vivian leaps round in a karate stance and thumps Libby in the stomach. As she doubles over she gets a smack across the face and is finished off with a lightning fast roundhouse kick. Vivian looks down at the dazed cheerleader, smiles and dusts off her hands. In another hallway Sabrina comes across Harvey who’s been accosted by Dr. Bad.

Dr. Bad- I wouldn’t start any long books if I were you.

The bad doctor writes out a detention-slip of death.

Sabrina- (To herself) Oh-no!

She quickly puts down the type-writer and starts typing.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Doctor Bad’s wheel-chair started spinning out of control like...

As she types it happens. The chair spins wildly as Dr. Bad struggles to regain control.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...a wheel-chair spinning out of control. Run Harvey!

Harvey makes his escape and Sabrina heaves the heavy type-writer into her arms and runs also with the out of control wheel-chair on her tail..

Sabrina- (Cont.) (To herself) Oh! Why couldn’t it have been a magic... legal-pad!

In another part of the hallway Mrs. Doohicky passes Mr. Kraft whose still a little shaky from his encounter with the deadly Lidia.

Mr. Kraft- Oh Mrs. Quick! Mrs. Quick!

He takes Mrs. Doohicky by the arm and turns her to face him.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Have you seen Libby Chessler? She brought some kind of lethal laser device to school today and nearly killed me!

He looks oddly at the two erasers that Mrs. Doohicky is holding. But not for long after she claps them together. The knock-out chalk-dust is very fast acting. Meanwhile, elsewhere. Derek Kink walks determinedly on his super-cool way to thwart the dastardly Dr. Bad when Valerie spots him.

Valerie- Harvey! Have you seen Sabrina? She’s acting...

She spots his designer suit and tie.

Valerie- (Cont.) Is there an afternoon prom that no-body asked me to?

As any self-respecting super-spy would do when confronted by a beautiful young woman, Derek, as Salem would say, brings it on baby! He takes Valerie in his arms tilting her backwards and kisses her long and hard. The kiss is finally interrupted when Lidia comes out into the hallway.

Derek- Lidia!

He drops poor Valerie and steps over her as he trails the arch villains side-kick. Valerie lifts herself up on her elbows and looks after Derek.

Valerie- Okay, that was weird.

Mr. Kraft, meanwhile, has come round from the knock-out chalk-dust and is edging his way along the hallway clinging to the wall.

Mr. Kraft- (To himself) All right, don’t start whimpering until you get to your office. Don’t start whimpering until you get to your office.

He starts whimpering.

In another part of the school Sabrina finds Mrs. Doohicky.

Sabrina- Oh Mrs. Quick!

Mrs. Doohicky quickly pulls out her erasers ready to clap them together.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I mean Mrs. Doohicky!

Mrs. Doohicky lowers her erasers.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Have you seen Derek?

Mrs. Doohicky- Who wants to know?

Sabrina- Oh, will you hold this a second?

She places the type-writer in Mrs. Doohicky’s hands and begins to type.

Sabrina- (To herself) Er. A mysterious blonde spy asks Mrs. Doohicky for help in locating Derek Kink. Mrs. Doohicky leads her to him.

Mrs. Doohicky- Follow me.

She dumps the type-writer back in Sabrina’s arms who sags under the weight.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Next time, I write that Mrs. Doohicky carries the type-writer.

Mr. Kraft is still making his slow, whimpering way towards his office. He edges round a corner and runs into Libby. He screams.

Mr. Kraft- Don’t hurt me!

Libby- Mr. Kraft! Why are you acting like a freshman?

Mr. Kraft- Because... You’re not armed?

Libby gives him a ‘Huh?!’ look.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) In that case Miss Chessler, you are suspended.

Libby- What?!

Mr. Kraft- Yes.

Libby- It’s Valerie who needs to be suspended, she kicked me!

Mr. Kraft- Well that-that would explain your strange behaviour, Miss Birkhead fries. Come on.

Sabrina is still hurrying along behind Mrs. Doohicky in her quest to locate Derek when they come face to face with Mrs. Quick. Both she and Mrs. Doohicky come to a halt with a gasp.

Mrs. Quick- Oh dear.

Sabrina- Er substitute teacher. I don’t think she looks like you at all.

She grabs Mrs. Doohicky’s arm and drags her away.

Mrs. Quick- (To herself) The psychic was right. I was separated at birth!

She walks on feeling a little excited and runs into Mr. Kraft and Libby. Mr. Kraft takes a frightened step back and bravely pulls Libby between him and danger.

Mr. Kraft- Keep her away from me, she has poison chalk-dust.

Mrs. Quick- I don’t even have gum.

Libby- What is going on in this school today?

Mrs. Quick- Oh it’s a pretty normal day Libby, although I did learn I have an exact duplicate. She just ran down the hall with Sabrina.

Mr. Kraft- You know every time anything strange happens around this school the trail always leads to Sabrina... or to Janitor Bob, but we know that Sabrina is still in the country. Come on.

He leads the growing procession in search of Sabrina while Derek Kink and Vivian Soontodie come round another corner and run into, the aforementioned, Sabrina.

Sabrina- Derek! Doctor Bad has planted a bomb.

Derek- An explosive situation.

Sabrina- I know where it is, come with me.

Derek- Dinamite idea.

Sabrina- And you can cool it with the puns.

She leads the good guys off. Elsewhere Valerie finds Harvey.

Valerie- Look, what happened between us was wrong. Sabrina’s my best friend and you’re her boyfriend and... when did you change your clothes?

Harvey- A couple of days ago?

Mr. Kraft and his crew come up.

Mr. Kraft- Miss Birkhead. I’m suspending you for attacking Libby.

Valerie- What?!

Libby- When did you change your clothes?

Harvey- Mr. Kraft, what did you do with your wheel-chair?

Mr. Kraft- What?

Mrs. Quick- Oh look! There’s Sabrina!

They all look down to the end of the hall where, sure enough, they see Sabrina laden down with a type-writer hurry across.

Mr. Kraft- Who’s that with her?

Valerie- Somebody who looks like Harvey!

Libby- And you!

Mrs. Quick- And me! Hi!

They all chase after the doubles.

Mr. Kraft- (Under his breath) I could have been pulling down eighty grand a year selling gold over the phone, but no, I had to teach.

Int. School cafeteria. Sabrina shows Derek the bomb that’s stuck beneath one of the chairs.

Sabrina- Okay, turn it off.

Derek- Delighted. What’s the procedure here Mrs. Doohicky?

Mrs. Doohicky- I only make things blow up, I don’t know how to stop them from blowing up.

Derek- I don’t know which wire to cut!

Sabrina- (To Herself) Oh-no, my characters don’t know what to do! It’s because they don’t know why they’re doing what they’re doing. Darned character development!

She dashes over to her type-writer and the keys fly.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, Derek Kink’s father wanted him to go into the family business, corn, but Kink loved science. Against his families wishes he joined the bomb disposal unit of the FBI.

Derek- Does anyone have a pair of one hundred and seventy-eight millimetre insulated wire-cutters?

Mrs. Doohicky whips a pair out of her lab-coat top pocket and hands them over, but just as Derek is about to snip the wire and save the day a laser beam shoots the wire-cutters from his hand. They turn to the door to see Dr. Bad and Lidia. Dr. Bad has Lidia’s lip-stick laser in his hands.

Dr. Bad- I believe you are all my prisoners.

Sabrina- You don’t understand, there’s only a few seconds left. If-If Derek doesn’t disarm the bomb we’re all gonna die!

Dr. Bad- Then we will all die together.

He laughs maniacally as Sabrina looks desperately at the bomb timer. There are 13 seconds of life remaining to them.

Int. School hallway. Mr. Kraft and the gang arrive at the cafeteria to find the door is locked.

Mr. Kraft- (Calling out) Sabrina Spellman! This is Mr. Kraft. Come out with your hands behind your head.

Int. School cafeteria. Sabrina checks the clock once more. 7 seconds remain. Dr. Bad levels the laser at his captives.

Dr. Bad- Don’t move.

Int. School hallway.

Mr. Kraft- Come on Kinkle a separated shoulder won’t hurt you.

Harvey throws his weight into the door and it shakes but doesn’t give.

Int. School cafeteria. When the door shakes both Dr. Bad and Lidia lean against it to hold it shut. The brief distraction is all the feisty Vivian needs and with a karate kick knocks the laser from the evil geniuses hand.

Dr. Bad- Hey!

4 seconds remain and Derek wastes no time in grabbing the cutters.

Sabrina- The wire! The wire!

Derek- I’ve got it!

Snip. with just 1 second to spare.

Int. School hallway. Harvey and Mr. Kraft are still trying to break down the door.

Mr. Kraft- This is all going on your permanent record young lady!

Int. School cafeteria. Sabrina dives for her type-writer and types.

Sabrina- The end.

All the characters from her story along with the bomb vanish instantly as the door bursts upon.

Mr. Kraft- (Breathless) Three weeks detention, starting this afternoon.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Another happy ending.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina sits with her aunts.

Sabrina- So I saved the school from blowing up and I rewrote my story in detention. The teacher gave me a ‘B’ minus. It’s not an ‘A’ but it’s not a ‘C’ either.

Hilda- I always feel the minus part is personal.

Zelda- I’m just glad you’ve realised that because you’re not great at something it doesn’t mean you can’t learn from it... and have fun with it.

Hilda- That’s what I always say about dating, but I never learn anything... and I don’t have fun.

Sabrina- Wait a minute, so you’re saying I’m not a great writer?

Run credits.

Zelda- Well... You see...

The toaster pings.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh my, there’s toast.

Both aunts quickly get up and run to the kitchen glad to have got out of that one.

Int. Spellman kitchen.

Zelda- Oh, it’s from the Other Realm Postmaster. (Reading) He says they’ve caught the person who started that chain-letter and he’s been dealt with accordingly.

Hilda- Good, what kind of foul fiend would abuse the mail?

Salem- <Sob!> I was just reaching out to people.

His small black face peers out of a pile of chains he must wear.

Zelda- Oh dear. (Reading) The Postmaster also says that because we sent chain-letters ourselves, we have to be punished too.

Hilda- But...!

She snaps her bat-wings in frustration. Zelda looks back at her own pair.

Sabrina- I loved you in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ Fly! Fly!