Boy, Was My Face Red

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda sits reading the paper, Zelda’s at the counter as Salem amuses himself with the lap-top computer. It’s a cat and mouse thing. Sabrina enters.

Salem- I’m so happy I could floss!

Sabrina- Not on the kitchen table.

Salem- You can say good-bye to this furry little pun.

Hilda- Salem, what’s with all the Yiddish? Are you going into show-business?

Salem- I’m on-line with a camel in Jerusalem who used to be an Amway salesman.

Zelda- Why did the Witches Council turn him into a camel?

Salem- He used to be an Amway salesman. Anyway he was wandering through the desert when he found a scroll that said witches like me can be turned back into their former selves if they’re kissed by someone who loves them.

Sabrina- Why can’t you just play solitaire like regular cats?

Salem- One little kiss and I can once again be a man. I’ll no longer be a schlemiel!

Zelda- Salem, don’t trust chat rooms.

Hilda- Besides you little yuts, who’re you going to get to kiss you?

Salem- Pucker-up.

Hilda- If I helped turn you into a man the Witches Council will turn me into a cat. What a sad, pathetic existence that would be.

Salem- Moving on! I love ya Zelda.

Zelda- I love you too, but I’m not in love with you.

She kisses her finger and places it on his head.

Salem- Oh Sabrina!

Sabrina- Not until you find a new way of grooming yourself.

Salem- Mean! There must be somebody out there who’s not so stingy with kisses.

Hilda finds him someone and with a point it’s on the table with Salem. The big, slobbering boxer dog licks and slobbers all over Salem.

Salem- Oh lord! He’s got toilet-water breath. (Sob!)

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Sabrina enters with a soda and a pile of papers and books and sits opposite Valerie.

Sabrina- Look at all the great stuff I found for physics. Our jet propulsion projects really gonna TAKE OFF!

Valerie offers no response at all, she just sits with a dreamy expression on her face.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Not even a mercy laugh.

Valerie- I just wanted you to know, I’m not one of those creepy girls who drop all her friends just ‘cause she’s dating a guy.

Sabrina- You and Justin are dating!

Valerie- No.

Sabrina- But he asked you out right?

Valerie- No.

Sabrina- But you met him right?

Valerie- I don’t know. I’ve imagined so many conversations with him I can’t separate fiction from reality.

Harvey arrives with exciting news.

Harvey- Hey guys, the soda machines broken. You can get all the free drinks you want.

The football team is wasting no time on stocking up with the free soda. There’s so much of it they’re even willing to share.

Gordie- Hey! Hey! I want Oof!

That Scallions quarter-back has a good arm as the soda can takes Gordie in the stomach.

Sabrina- Isn’t that kinda like stealing?

Harvey- Oh great! Now my sodas tainted. I’ve never associated root-beer with a moral dilemma before.

He wanders off considering the repercussions of pulling his ring-pull.

Sabrina- (To Valerie) There he is.

Valerie looks round to see Justin sitting at the table behind her.

Valerie- Do you think he’ll ever ask me out?

Sabrina- Why don’t you ask him out?

Valerie- That’s just a nice way of saying no.

Sabrina- Look you can ask him out, we’re modern women, we know about jet propulsion.

Valerie- We do?

Sabrina- We will.

Valerie- Oh I can’t! I’ll get nervous and when I get nervous my mouth dries out and I can’t speak.

Sabrina- Take your soda and every time your mouth gets dry just take a sip.

Valerie- All right, I’ll do it.

Smiling she takes her soda and gets up to approach Justin. Sabrina watches happily, proud of her friend. Justin sees Valerie and stands.

Justin- Oh hi.

Valerie takes a sip of soda.

Valerie- Hi.

She takes another sip.

Valerie- (Cont.) So Justin.

Justin- So Valerie, do you wanna go out Saturday night?

Valerie takes another swig of soda but she should have gone for something still as the gas bubbles try to find the surface and as soon as she opens her mouth to say yes they make their escape in a loud belch. Sabrina’s surprised but Valerie’s horrified as everyone in the cafeteria starts laughing. She puts down her traitorous soda, covers her mouth and runs from the hall.

Sabrina- (To herself) Well at least she broke the ice.

Libby- And the sound barrier.

Sabrina runs past a stunned Justin chasing after her friend.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes out of the cafeteria.

Sabrina- Valerie! Valerie!

Valerie comes round the corner with a coat over her head to hide her shame.

Valerie- Help me to the emergency exit!

Sabrina- Come on! You’ve gotta give Justin your answer. Don’t blow it!

Valerie- I already blew it, right in his face.

Sabrina- He’s a guy, they study burping as a second language. Besides nobody else heard.

Valerie- You heard and you were across the room.

Sabrina- I was being a good friend and eaves-dropping. Trust me, no-one heard. Now come on! Don’t make me start the speech from ‘Ice Castles’

She grabs Valerie’s arm and drags her back into the cafeteria.

Int. School Cafeteria. Sabrina and Valerie enter.

Libby- Everyone! A big welcome for Valerie Burphead.

Everyone laughs except for Sabrina and Justin.

Sabrina- They’re just jealous.

She throws the coat back over Valerie’s head and ushers her back out.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda come down the stairs. Zelda wearing a nice line in straw hats tied under the chin.

Hilda- Come on, let’s go see Titanic. We could change the ending.

Zelda- Oh Hilda, no-one’s gonna pay seven dollars to watch you kiss Leonardo DiCaprio. Besides, I have a date Friday night and I’m cleaning my ears.

She picks up the glass jar with her ears floating in the cleaning solution.

Zelda- (Cont.) Last chance to throw yours in.

Hilda- I just cleaned my ears, they’re fine.

Zelda takes a look down Hilda’s ear and sees the potato farmer hoeing his field.

Zelda- Well at least no locust this year.

Salem- (OS) Oh I need help! Wee-yoo! Wee-yoo!...

The sisters dash for the kitchen.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem sits on the counter.

Salem- Wee-yoo! Wee-yoo!

His voice as a strange echoing quality to it probably caused by the glass cookie jar jammed over his head. Hilda and Zelda enter.

Hilda- Salem, caught with your head in the cookie jar?

Salem- Hurry! Please hurry! I’ve been in here for over an hour!

Zelda- Why didn’t you call us sooner?

Salem- It wasn’t a problem until I ran out of peanut-brittle.

Hilda- Salem, is this a desperate cry for help?

Salem- No, this is. Help! I’m running out of air! Zap it off and gimme mouth to mouth.

Zelda- Salem, you just want a kiss!

Salem- My lips are sweet with brittle.

Hilda- I guess we should remove it. (To Zelda) Do you wanna drive him to the vet or should I?

Salem- Not the vet! Cold hands, cold table and the probing! Oh the probing! (Sob!)

Zelda- The perfect way to teach you a lesson.

Salem- I should have suffocated when I had the chance.

Int. Westbridge Veterinary clinic. Both Hilda and Zelda have taken Salem to see the vet. He sits on the cold metal table waiting with the jar still firmly stuck over his head.

Salem- I bet they didn’t even disinfect the table. I’m gonna get a disease (Sob!)

Zelda- Salem, this is a mortal vet, be quiet! And start acting like a cat.

Salem- You want a cat? I can do cat. Meeeooow!!

The beautiful blonde vet enters with a clipboard and a big smile.

Dr. Werner- Hello. I’m doctor Werner.

Salem- (Under his breath) Ungower!

Dr. Werner- And this must be Salem Saberhagen. You have different last names.

Hilda- Well when we adopted him he didn’t want to change his name.

Zelda- And a hyphenage, it just seemed ridiculous.

Dr. Werner- Don’t worry, I’m a crazy cat lady too. (To Salem) Oh I think kitty was playing Pooh-bear.

Salem- (Thinking) I love it when they talk baby-talk.

Dr. Werner gently tries to prise the jar over Salem’s head but it’s stuck fast.

Salem- Aw! A-b-b Meaw!

Dr. Werner- I’ll be right back with some lubricant.

She leaves.

Salem- I love her!

Hilda raps a couple of times on his jar.

Hilda- Hello! She’s a woman and she’s not in love with you.

Salem- Please! All vets love animals and once I get her to kiss me I’ll be a man. Quick, British Sterling behind both ears.

The vet returns with some KY jelly.

Dr. Werner- Alright, this shouldn’t hurt a bit.

She gently rubs the rim of the jar with the lubricant

Dr. Werner- (Cont.) There you go.

She eases the jar off with a pop and gentle strokes the ruffled fur back into place.

Dr Werner- (Cont.) Oh there. Boy, he sure is a nustler.

Salem- (Thinking) Kiss me pretty lady. Turn my world around.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Harvey catches up with Sabrina at her locker.

Harvey- Hey, the soda machines fixed. I put in a couple of extra quarters to cover my root-beer soaked conscience.

Sabrina- Oh well that should cover the fifteen sodas you had. Have you seen Valerie?

Harvey- No.

Libby overhears the question as she passes.

Libby- I haven’t seen or heard Burpzilla since the incident.

Sabrina- Someday your body will betray you Libby, and we’ll be waiting. (To Harvey) I’m really worried about Valerie, do you think she went home?

Harvey- Well she did seem to have some gastric problems.

Libby- Well she really should be here so that we can taunt her to her face.

Sabrina- Libby, why do you get so much pleasure out of other peoples pain?

Libby- I’m just a positive, up-beat person.

She leaves in a positive and up-beat way.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is back on the counter and he’s got his head stuck again.

Salem- How could doctor Werner cone me? (Sob!)

Zelda- Salem, it’ll keep you from licking your wound. You’re the one who cut your head on peanut-brittle.

Salem- I’ll never get kissed like this. I look like a victrola.

Hilda- Good idea! Then we wont have to listen to you complain.

She points at Salem and he jerks straight. His mouth opens and the music comes out amplified by the plastic cone around his head. Hilda and Zelda start to dance around the kitchen to the old and scratchy sounding tune. Sabrina arrives home and isn’t too phased by the strange happenings in the kitchen.

Sabrina- You know there’s this new fangled invention called the Hi-fi.

Zelda- So how was your day?

Sabrina- I’m a little worried about poor Valerie. I mean she burped at lunch and I haven’t seen her since.

Hilda- Oh well then, I guess you wanna hear about the time I burped in high school?

Sabrina- Not really. I gotta call Valerie.

She leaves up the stairs..

Zelda- You know what I haven’t heard in ages?

She points at Salem and the sound of a needle scraping across vinyl, changes his record. The start dancing again.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina is on the phone.

Sabrina- Hi. Is Valerie there?

Valerie- (OS) I’m over here.

Sabrina looks round towards her closet where the voice came from then speaks into the phone.

Sabrina- Er it was a rhetorical question. Bye.

She switches off the phone and opens the closet door to find her friend inside.

Sabrina- Valerie? How’d you get in my house?

Valerie- It was weird! Someone slipped a key under your door but no-one was home but your cat.

Sabrina- Oh yeah, my cat let you in. Anyway, you’re here because...?

Valerie- Because I can’t go back to school, I’m so embarrassed. I keep replaying the whole ugly thing over and over in my mind and there are so many unanswered questions. Why a burp? Why with Justin? Why at school?

Sabrina- Why my closet?

Valerie- Because I feel safe here Sabrina. Look, every morning I’ll pretend to go to school, hide here all day and relive the incident as I rock back and forth in the dark.

Sabrina- That sounds like a fun solution to your problem.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The aunts are getting carried away with the twenties music. They're both dressed on flapper outfits as they Charleston around the kitchen. Sabrina comes down.

Sabrina- Stop the music!

She points at Salem and shuts him off.

Salem- Thank you Sabrina! Now if you’ll excuse me I need to remove a crank from my butt.

He escapes into the back yard as Sabrina turns to her aunts.

Sabrina- I need an anti-embarrassment spell to help Valerie.

Zelda- Oh I’m sorry honey, there is no such spell. The only way to get rid of embarrassment is to ride it out.

Hilda- Or put poison in the towns reservoir. (On Zelda's look) It’s just a suggestion.

Zelda- (To Sabrina) I’m sorry Sabrina, it’s one of life’s lessons and even witches can’t tamper with life’s lessons.

Sabrina- I wanna live in a world where you can escape your problems and not learn anything.

She runs off back up stairs.

Hilda- (Calling after) Like we don’t?

Salem- (OS) Whatever’s on the clothes line is scaring me!

Hilda- Oh-no! Your ears!

Ext. Spellman back yard. Zelda rushes out to find her ears hanging from the clothes line by their lobes. The weight of the rest of the ears has stretched them until they are nine inches long.

Zelda- Hilda! I should never have asked you to dry my ears! You don’t hang ears, you reshape them and dry them flat.

Hilda- Sorry! I was never good at laundry. Come on, you’re young, they’ll shrink back... in a day or so.

Zelda- I hope so because I have a date Friday night and I can’t wear these.

She holds them up to her um... ears? and the lobes hang down past her shoulders.

Salem- Y’know, I feel another song coming on. (Singing) Do your ears hang low,
do they wobble too and fro...

Salem and Hilda- (Singing) Can you tie them in a knot,
can you tie them in a...

Hilda- Oh wait! This is my fault.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s found the cure for all the ailments and problems of the world and they’re spread all over her bed. She and Valerie tuck in to the tasty, fat rich desserts. Sabrina spoons herself a chocolate sundae as Valerie pops another cherry in her mouth.

Valerie- You’re a good friend, thanks for standing by me.

Sabrina- Of course I’d stand by you. I’ve never seen so much laughing, mocking, name calling.

Valerie reaches for the chocolate sauce bottle and tips it to her mouth taking a large shot. Sabrina takes it from her.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I think you’ve had enough! Look, you can hang out here as long as you want but I’m going to get back to work on our jet propulsion project.

Valerie- Oh I completely forgot, our projects due tomorrow!

Sabrina- That’s okay, I don’t need any sleep.

Valerie- Oh well, I can’t dump the whole thing on you.

Sabrina- What? We’re going to do a satellite feed from my room?

Valerie- No, I’ll just have to face that one class for you.

Sabrina- You’d do that for me?

Valerie- Well you’re sharing your room with me. Oh hey by the way, can I borrow this weird jewelled book?

She gets off the bed and goes to the magic book on it’s stand. Sabrina leaps up and grabs it.

Sabrina- No! Mine!

She holds it possessively to herself.

Valerie- Oh that’s right, you’re an only child.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem is lay on the cabinet behind the settee talking on the phone as Sabrina comes down stairs.

Salem- Er yes doctor Werner. May I call you Jean?... Okay! So doctor Werner, I know you don’t normally make house calls but it would really help Salem’s recovery if you could come by and smother him with kisses.

Sabrina- Salem, get off the phone.

She switches the phone off and puts it back on it’s unit, then leans on the settee beside Salem.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Valerie’s such a great friend, she’s gonna face school just for me.

Salem- You got me off the phone with the future Mrs. Saberhagen for that?

Sabrina- But do you think there’s any way I could help her get rid of her embarrassment?

Salem- Well there is a spell.

Sabrina- Not according to my aunts!

Salem- For one teensy kiss I’ll let you in on the little known fact that embarrassment is cross-referenced in the magic book under Gerald Ford.

Sabrina- Thanks Salem.

She leaves.

Salem- (To himself) Wait! I didn’t do that right.

Int. Spellman dinning room. Sabrina sits before the lab-top in her safety goggles with the magic book beside her.

Sabrina- (Reading) To remove embarrassment, one must laugh at oneself. Add a pinch of Ha-ha root.

She checks the lab-tops ingredient tray.

Sabrina- (Cont.) We have it and yet we’re always out of vanilla.

She takes a pinch of the laughing root and drops it into her brew. The brew bubbles and something grows within it. Sabrina lifts it out.

Sabrina- (Cont.) A banana peel?

There’s a label on it.

Sabrina- (Reading) The embarrassee must slip on this peel in public to remove embarrassment. If dissatisfied exchange for a salsa bottle?

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina walks with Valerie as students look at Valerie and laugh to themselves. Sabrina has something hidden behind her back.

Valerie- I feel like everyone’s staring at me.

Sabrina- They’re not staring at you, they’re staring with you.

Libby spots them and can’t resist.

Libby- Hi Valerie! Love your belch. I mean belt.

Libby leaves smiling.

Sabrina- Ignore her. I have a feeling sometime real soon we’re going to laugh about this.

Valerie- Not in this life.

As they walk on and Valerie becomes distracted Sabrina flips the magic banana peel onto the floor in front of her friend. With a yelp Valerie slips and falls on her butt. At the yelp someone turns from the water fountain, it’s Justin.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Come on, laugh at yourself.

Valerie looks up at Justin as she lies on the school hallway floor at his feet and realises what a ridiculous situation she’s in. She starts to giggle.

Justin- Here let me give you a hand.

She takes his hand and pulls herself up.

Valerie- Thanks. Y’know, I’m starting to look at clown collages.

Justin- You know Valerie, about Saturday...

Valerie- (Interrupting) Yes. When I burp it means yes, when I spit milk out my nose it means no.

Justin- Great! So I’ll pick you up at eight?

Valerie- U-hu!

Justin leaves smiling as Valerie bats the dust off her behind. Her hands come away yucky and she turns to Sabrina.

Valerie- Oh great! I had banana goo on my butt while I was talking to Justin didn’t I?

Sabrina- Yeah.

Valerie- Oh who cares. We’d better get to physics.

Valerie heads for class while Sabrina bends to pick up the banana peel.

Sabrina- (To Herself) And they say you can’t get rid of embarrassment! It’s a classic!

Int. Physics class. Sabrina and Valerie stand before the class giving their talk on jet propulsion. They are using crib cards.

Valerie- So by definition. It's the momentum derived from ejection of exhaust stream.

She presses the switch on their model rocket and the exhaust drives a little propeller round.

Valerie- (Cont.) Sabrina!

Sabrina- Thank you Valerie. Another form of jet propulsion is the rapid flow of gas from within a propelled body.

As she talks one of her cards slips from her hands and she bends to pick it up. In doing so she gives an impromptu demonstration of a rapid flow of gas, although her body isn’t propelled. The fart is heard all round the room and she quickly stands up to see Libby snickering and Harvey burying his head in his hands.

Harvey- (Under his breath) Oh the humanity.

Libby- Most people just use visual aides.

Sabrina- I...

Valerie- (Interrupting) So. Er the different examples of propulsion are the rocket, the fan-jet...

Student- (Interrupting) Yeah, we could use a fan right about now.

The class laughs and everyone looks at Sabrina who is speechless with embarrassment..

Int. School hallway. Sabrina flee’s from the physics class her face turns bright red and stays that way as she hurries down the hallway. Students in the hallway laugh as a length of toilet paper becomes hooked up on her shoe, she pulls it off but stumbles into an open locker door catching the hem for her skirt. She tries to pull it free but it puts a large rent in her skirt. With the sound of mocking laughter ringing in her ears she runs for the exit but humiliation isn’t finished with her yet as it trips her sending her full length and tipping the contents of her nap-sack across the floor. Gordie helps her to her feet and out the doors leaving behind an embarrassing pile of highly personal bodily hygiene items from her bag.

Gordie- Go! Go! Go!

Int. Spellman living room. The aunts are having a leisurely morning reading magazines while Salem plays at being a radio telescope in his cone. Sabrina rushes through the front door, her face is still bright red.

Sabrina- Hold me!

Salem- Boy, is your face red!

Hilda- Oh-no! You cast an anti-embarrassment spell on Valerie.

Sabrina- Yeah! The one you said didn’t exist.

Zelda- Honey, did it ever occur to you just to listen to us?

Sabrina- The cat said!

Zelda- You can’t get rid of embarrassment, you can only displace it. It’s left Valerie and been transferred to you since you cast the spell.

Salem- Oops! I blame it on the cone. (Sob!)

Hilda- Oh honey, you’ve got a little spinach in your teeth.

Sabrina- Oh that’s the least of it. You don’t know the embarrassment I’ve seen.

She flops face down on the settee and burst into tears.

Zelda- Oh Sabrina, everyone has embarrassing moments. It’s happened throughout history.

Hilda- Even the most famous people have lived through humiliation, but that’s not what they’re remembered for.

Zelda picks up the TV remote.

Zelda- Let’s roll tape.

She hits the button. On the TV a special documentary starts.

Announcer- Historical moments not in history. Queen Victoria greets her loyal subjects.

A black and white film of Queen Victoria waving to the crowd. Until she notices an embarrassing pit stain and quickly lowers her arm.

Announcer- On this fateful day, not even Camelot was Camelot.

King Arthur bends to grasp Excalibur and pull it from the stone. His britches rip

King Arthur- Guinevere! Avert your eyes.

Announcer- We declared our independence but not without a fight.

Hancock signs the Declaration of independence and accidentally knocks the ink-pot over. It spills across the document.

Thomas Jefferson- Hancock! You had to show off with the ‘K’ Better order dinner, now we’ve got some real writing to do.

Announcer- The master Da Vinci suffers for his art.

Leonardo is painting his famous Mona Lisa as his model burps and in an attempt not to giggle an odd little smile comes to her lips.

Announcer- (Cont.) And that’s historical moments not in history.

Hilda switches off the TV.

Hilda- See? And they were all remembered for their greatness.

Sabrina- But none of them were in high school!

The door-bell rings and Sabrina gets up to answer. It’s Valerie.

Valerie- Sabrina I have to talk to you!

Sabrina- Valerie, I know why you’re here. You’re going to try and talk me into going back to school.

Valerie- No! Don’t go back! You can’t go back! The laughter is deafening. Look even if you changed your identity and became a brunet they’d find you. Look, I shouldn’t even be here.

She looks around to see if anyone has spotted her and puts on a pair of shades.

Valerie- (Cont.) Trust no-one!

She turns and runs. Sabrina closes the door.

Sabrina- Nowhere to go! There’s nowhere to hide!

She runs upstairs.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. A red faced Sabrina comes up.

Sabrina- There’s gotta be somewhere to hide. Let’s see, I’ve got a bedroom, a bathroom, a vortex... Wait a minute!

She hurries to the closet and disappears to the Other Realm.

Int. The Other Realm. A beach-bar on the islands. Holiday makers sit around in sun hats and sarong wraps as a young ravishing brunet enters wearing a blue bikini and a matching wrap. She takes a stool at the bar.

Sabrina- Wow! This is great. I should have got embarrassed last summer.

Bartender- Can I get you something?

Sabrina- Yeah, I’d like one of those pretty drinks with the umbrellas in it and throw in a cherry my good man.

Bartender- The best fruit smoothy in the Other Realm coming right up.

As the bartender gets the drink Sabrina whips out a postcard and starts writing.

Sabrina- (Thinking) Dear Valerie, Hello from the islands. Wish you were here. I’ve told you too much already.

The bartender puts the drink in front of her.

Bartender- So where are you from? You look like a girl with a story.

Sabrina- Nostory! I’mnotescapingfromanything!

She sucks intensely at her straw.

Bartender- Have you been here before? You-You look familiar.

Sabrina- Impossible.

The bartender shrugs and turns. He spots the poster on the wall. It’s like a wanted poster with mug-shots of Sabrina on it, only instead of saying wanted, it says ‘Embarrassed’ but there’s still a reward.

Bartender- Hey! You’re Sabrina!

Sabrina jams a wide brimmed straw hat over her head and puts on a pair of sun-glasses.

Sabrina- I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Bartender- No-no-no-no!

He pulls the poster from the wall and holds it up beside the brunet. The hair may be different but the face is the same.

Bartender- (Cont.) No-no! You’re Sabrina! Hey look everyone, It’s Sabrina!

Everyone in the bar starts laughing and pointing.

Bartender- (Cont.) And it happened in front of the whole class!

The laughter doubles and Sabrina’s face once more turns bright red.

Sabrina- It’s a perfectly normal bodily function!

Then she turns and runs, the laughter chasing her back to the Mortal Realm.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters still in her islands outfit and still with a very red face to find her aunts and Salem waiting for her.

Zelda- So, been to the Other Realm islands?

Sabrina- How’d you know?

Zelda- Hilda and I spent puberty there.

Hilda- I was a red-head.

Sabrina- But how did they know?

Hilda- Witches are always scouring the globe looking for a good laugh. Although we just don’t get British humour.

Sabrina- I guess I’m just going to have to face my fate. Home schooling.

Zelda- Oh honey, running away never solves anything. You will get through this.

Hilda- Yeah! You just have to look at the big picture.

Hilda points and a map of the USA appears with flashing lights all over it.

Zelda- At any given moment high school students all across the country are doing something embarrassing.

Sabrina- Yeah but did all those people... I can’t even say it!

So instead she plays charades and magic’s up a lump of cheese.

Zelda- Cheese?

Sabrina picks it up and starts cutting at it with a knife.

Zelda- Oh!

Salem- Ah-ah-ah! Eh-ah-ah-ah! You what? Ah-ah-argh!

He laughs so hard he leans back too far and unbalanced by his cone falls head over tail off the desk.

Hilda- Whoa! That is the Queen mother of embarrassment. Well I can teach you music and Zelly, you can teach her...

Zelda- (Interrupting) Come on! It doesn’t matter what happened. Life goes on and eventually everything becomes yesterdays news. In the meantime try not to worry too much about what other people think.

Sabrina- But if I don’t worry about what other people think, what will they say?

Zelda- Trust me, it’s going to be okay.

She glances at her watch.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh I forgot to call and postpone my date with Frank.

Sabrina- Why? You’re not embarrassed about your ears are you?

Zelda- Well of course not. I just felt I should be here with you.

Sabrina- Well I’m fine and I have aunt Hilda.

Zelda- Well then, okay, I guess I’ll keep my date.

She leaves reluctantly.

Hilda- (Calling after) I wouldn’t wear ear-rings.

Salem- Somebody! I’m stuck cone down! Take me to doctor Werner, stat!

Hilda lifts him out of the waste basket that he’s stuck in.

Hilda- I’ll take you. I’m the only member of this family who can go out in public.

Int. Westbridge Veterinary Clinic. Dr. Werner inspect Salem’s butt.

Dr. Werner- I do not like this laceration at the base of his tail. Unfortunately I think we need to shave him.

Salem’s head and cone whip around at that.

Hilda- Well we want what’s best for Salem. Even if it does mean a bare bottom.

Salem- (Thinking) But the beautiful doctor will see my po-po!

Int. Ribbani Restaurant. Zelda is enjoying her date with Frank. She has her hair loose and long to hide her elongated ear-lobes.

Zelda- Yes I’ve been working weeks on molecular cohesion but it’s just not coming together.

Frank- Oh you’re so witty, so intelligent, so lovely.

Zelda- Oh.

Frank- I just wanna whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

He leans forward and brushes her hair back over her shoulder and screams with surprise and horror sitting back away from her.

Zelda- So tell me about your work.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Monday morning. Sabrina’s just got dressed and examines herself in her full length mirror but really the blue of her top clashes somewhat with the bright red of her face. She turns to Salem who in addition to his megaphone like cone is sporting a nifty pair of shorts to cover his shaved butt..

Sabrina- Well I guess I’m ready to face school. On second thought.

She runs across to her bed and dives under the covers to hide.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Ah this is a snuggly place to wait out adolescence.

Salem- Come on Sabrina. Get up, you’re gonna be late... and I want the warm bed.

Sabrina- I’m not going. I can’t possibly be yesterdays news yet.

Salem- Come on, you’re a witch! Use your magic to make other people do embarrassing things. You can be yesterdays news today.

Sabrina throws back the covers and sticks her head out.

Sabrina- Something’s wrong. This is kinda making sense to me.

Salem- You bet it makes sense. Now how about a thank you kiss?

Sabrina- I mean they keep saying how everyone has embarrassing moments, so I would just be helping things along right?

Salem- Don’t rationalise, mobilise. You’ve got to save yourself.

Sabrina- You’re right! It’s a jungle out there, survival of the fittest. I’m not going down without a fight.

Salem- Okay, you’re pumped. Now go to school.

Sabrina- Thanks Salem.

Salem- Hey I owed you one. I really appreciate you covering my shaved behind with these nice pants.

Sabrina- I only did it because the sight of your chicken skin was making me sick.

She leaves.

Salem- (Calling after) I’m glad I didn’t bother writing a thank you note.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina walks the halls attracting amused attention from everyone. Students who spot her point her out to those who haven’t. If her face hadn’t already been as red as it could get she would have blushed.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Well it’s time to become yesterdays news.

She cocks her finger and looks for a target just as Valerie and Harvey come up behind her.

Valerie- Sabrina, you’re here!

Harvey- Oow, I hate to say this but the red face isn’t much of a disguise.

Sabrina- Yeah-yeah-yeah! I’ll work on it.

She walks on down the hallway.

Sabrina- (Thinking) Okay, where’s my first victim?

She spots a boy drinking from the water fountain.

Sabrina- (Cont.) A-ha! Get ready to become a human dribble glass.

She cocks her finger but hesitates.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Nah!

The student finishes his drink and walks on. So does Sabrina who spots another potential victim walking into the library.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Ooh! One uncontrollable runny nose coming right up.

A floating Salem head appears at her right shoulder.

Salem head- Do it!

She turns towards the head as another one appears at her left shoulder.

Salem head #2- Kiss-kiss!

Sabrina- (Thinking)Nah!

She flips her hands up at both heads and they vanish as she walks on searching for victims. A cheerleader talking to a good looking boy by the lockers looks likely.

Sabrina- (Thinking) Let’s see you try flirting with bad breath.

The finger is poised, it just requires a flick but it’s not the girls fault that she let rip in class.

Sabrina- (Thinking) I can’t! (Under her breath) I’ll just ride it out like everyone else.

She holsters her weapon and walks on to her locker. As she opens it Gordie arrives.

Gordie- Hey Sabrina. Sorry you got humiliated the other day, but at least I finally got a day off.

Sabrina- I’m glad I could help.

Gordie- You know, I always used to think you were so perfect, almost like you weren’t human but it turns out you’re just one of us.

Sabrina- Yeah, I guess I am.

Gordie leaves and Sabrina smiles after him thinking about what he’s said and the redness leeches from her face and she starts to feel good about herself again. She turns back to her locker and spots something inside.

Sabrina- Oh. Well I guess this doesn’t have any magic anymore.

She tosses it over her shoulder in the general direction of a litter bin. Libby comes down the hallway in her cheerleaders uniform carrying a large cake.

Libby- This is for the football team. Outa my way!

She goes flying face first into the cake when the used banana skin zips out from under her foot. Everyone turns round and starts laughing at Libby’s cake plastered face. Sabrina tries not to laugh as a Salem head appears at her shoulder.

Salem head- Laugh! Split a gut!

She bats it away and struggles not to smirk.

Int. Westbridge Veterinary Clinic. Sabrina is there with her aunts and Salem.

Sabrina- Well everyone’s back to normal. My face, Salem’s behind, aunt Zelda’s ears, aunt Hilda... well some day.

Sabrina laughs at her joke, Hilda laughs.

Hilda- You’re grounded!

Sabrina stops laughing as Dr. Werner enters.

Dr. Werner- Hello Salem, I bet it feels good to get rid of that cone huh?

She strokes him and he closes his eyes in pleasure.

Dr. Werner- Oh you’re such a good kitty. Come here little guy.

Salem- (Thinking) This is it! I’m gonna be a big guy!

Run credits.

Everything goes in slow motion for Salem as the vet bends down, purses her lips and kisses Salem.

Salem- Nothing happened! That stupid, stupid camel!

Dr. Werner’s eye’s role back as she faints dead away.

Zelda- Salem, have you lost your mind!

Salem- Ah she’ll wake up and think she’s just overworked and needs a vacation. Maybe the spell will work if I kiss her. (Sob!)

He jumps down from the table and starts planting kisses all over the unconscious vets face.

Hilda- I guess it’s time to change vets again.