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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Finger Lickin' Flu

Written By - Frank Conniff
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Valerie - Lindsey Sloan
Libby - Jenna Leigh Green
Mr. Kraft - Martin Mull
Mrs. Quick - Mary Gross
Dr. Brickman - Carl Michael Londoner
Nurse - Maureen Tamable
Frank - Mayas Wayne Williams

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda is sat on the settee watching the TV news.

Anchorman-Tonight, I'll host an Eye on Sorcery special on the upcoming Witches Council elections.

Zelda enters with a mug of coffee and plate of toast.

Hilda- Richard Langston is my favourite anchorman on the Witch Channel.

Zelda- I know, he’s so trust-worthy.

And he just happens to be a chicken with a collar and tie.

Anchorman- But now, this just in from the department of health, education and magic.

Hilda- And he’s a free-range anchorman.

Anchorman- (Cont.) There have been confirmed reports of a finger-flu epidemic. The flu, which affects your pointing finger, can be contagious. So be sure to bundle up those fingers.

Zelda and Hilda point at each other and magic up a pair of mittens each to keep their fingers warm. Sabrina bounces down the stairs full of the joys of spring.

Sabrina- Did you guys look outside this morning? It’s so sunny, it’s almost like spring.

Zelda- Yes, and you're wearing a very nice spring outfit.

Hilda- Ah, the only thing that’s missing is...

She points at Sabrina and her short dress and three quarter sleeve jacket is given an essential accessory, a pair of blue knit mittens.

Sabrina- Mittens? The last time I wore mittens everybody teased me, it almost ruined kindergarten for me.

Zelda- Sabrina, there’s a finger-flu alert and as a young witch you're highly susceptible to it.

Sabrina takes off the mittens.

Sabrina- Okay, I know you guys mean well but what’s worse that wearing mittens in school?

She heads for the door, Zelda points at her. A few moments later Sabrina returns, Wearing a romper-suit style mauve ski-suit with a matching dorky hat with ear-flaps secured under her chin.

Sabrina- Okay, point made.

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina walks in with her spring outfit and mittens holding her school books. Harvey joins her.

Harvey- Can I borrow your history book? I left mine at home.

Sabrina- Sure.

She clumsily hands him the book with her mittened hands.

Harvey- What’s with the mittens? Eczema?

Sabrina- No, I promised my aunts I’d wear them but... there was no time frame on that promise.

She takes them off and puts them away with her books in her locker.

Valerie enters as Harvey leaves and leans on the lockers beside Sabrina

Valerie- Oh why am I allowed to live?

Sabrina- I think there are laws.

Valerie- I put my idea for a town-meeting on Mrs. Quick’s desk.

Sabrina- Oh-no! The person you want to read it, will actually read it?

Valerie- So you see what an awful situation it is.

Sabrina- Valerie, you're the only person I know that has to work up to low self-esteem.

Valerie- I know, the other day I saw this book called ‘How to be confident’ and I almost bought it, but I was afraid the cashier would make fun of me.

Sabrina- Oh well, y’know actually I bought myself a copy.

She casually waves her finger in the direction of her locker casting a spell.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Here.

She reaches into the locker and takes out her sparkling new unread copy of ‘How to be confident’

Sabrina- (Cont.) You can borrow it.

Valerie- Oh well, thanks Sabrina. Does it work?

Sabrina- Has the Oprah book club been wrong yet?

Mrs. Quick walks up.

Mrs. Quick- Valerie, I read your...

Valerie- (Interrupting) I’m sorry!

Mrs. Quick- No, I think your town-meeting idea’s wonderful.

Valerie- Really? You're not just saying that?

Mrs. Quick- No, believe me if I didn’t like your proposal I’d be avoiding you right now, I’m afraid of confrontation.

She leaves.

Int. School Cafeteria. Valerie comes away from the counter and catches Sabrina at the cutlery bar and holds up the book.

Valerie- Hey, I asked for more potato-tots, this is working already.

As they head for a seat they have to stop to let two students pass carrying a banner. It reads ‘Goodbye, Mrs. Tornnanis. Thank you for Forty years of service’

Sabrina- Oh that’s right! It’s the lunch lady’s last day.

As the students pin up the banner Harvey catches up with the girls and they all sit.

Harvey- I heard Mr. Kraft is going to make a speech in Mrs. Tornnanis’s honour.

Valerie- (To Sabrina) Oh-ho! Whenever Mr. Kraft makes an announcement in the cafeteria you open your mouth and get us all in trouble.

Sabrina- That is not true, is it Harvey?

Harvey- Very true!

Enter Mr. Kraft with Mrs. Tornnanis.

Mr. Kraft- Attention everyone.

Valerie- Here he comes, (To Sabrina) pretend you don’t know me.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Today we honour a woman who for the past forty years has fed us our lunches and given us our change. Her dedication knows no bounds, she even served us food through her long bout with Mano, and so for you, Ingrid Tornnanis, our appreciation and this golden hair-net.

Everyone applauds. There's a loud crash from the kitchen, Mr. Kraft leans over to see what happened.

Mr. Kraft- Oh nothing to worry about, just a vat of sloppy Joe’s spilled. (To Mrs. Tornnanis) D’you wanna get that? Okay, I’ll mail you this.

He tucks the golden hair-net away as Mrs. Tornnanis goes to clean up the mess.

Mr. Kraft- Let's hear it for Mrs. Tornnanis.

Another round of applause follows her.

Sabrina- She shouldn’t have to clean that up!

Harvey and Valerie turn round to glare at her.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I mean without a bucket.

Mr. Kraft- Anyway, moving on. I would now like to announce her replacement... You!

Muttering circulates round the cafeteria.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Mmm-mm that’s right! All of you will be replacing Mrs. Tornnanis.

Sabrina- What kind of crazy...?

She quickly turns round as though addressing someone behind her.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey! Mr. Kraft is talking.

Mr. Kraft- You will be divided up into groups of three and assigned lunch shifts, and this means all of you.

Libby- You mean I’m going to have to be of service to others?

Mr. Kraft- Except for cheerleaders and football players, they’ve done more than their share for the school already.

Harvey- (To Sabrina) Alright! I’m off the hook.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) And of course this applies only to the first string football players.

Sabrina- That is so unfair! (To Harvey and Valerie) Run, save yourselves.

She sits and nervously starts scratching her finger as Mr. Kraft comes over.

Mr. Kraft- So once again little miss contrarian has said her little piece huh? Well I am happy to announce that the first team of three to pull cafeteria duty will be Spellman, Kinkle and their little friend.

Sabrina continues to rub her finger as Libby stands gloating and Mr. Kraft turns away.

Sabrina- (To Harvey and Valerie) Sorry.

Harvey- What’s wrong with your hand?

Sabrina- My finger feels weird.

Libby comes over.

Libby- (To Harvey) Sorry about you being second string. (To Valerie and Sabrina) Sorry about you... in general.

She leaves and Sabrina’s finger sneezes releasing a short sharp burst of magic that sends their lunch trays crashing to the ground.

Mr. Kraft- And the three of you can start by cleaning this up right know!

Valerie and Harvey look at Sabrina.

Sabrina- I didn’t say anything.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda enters from the dining room with a very large book. Salem is sat on the counter.

Salem- Zellie, brush me.

Zelda- Salem, I brushed you this morning, I don’t have time.

Hilda enters through the back door.

Hilda- I think the neighbour is stealing our paper.

Salem- Hilda, I have a knot.

Zelda- Salem! (To Hilda) What makes you think that?

Hilda- Well his shirt is all bulgy and the papers gone. I’m going to put an Indian burial ground under his house.

Zelda- No you're not, that sort of thing affects the whole neighbourhood.

Salem- It’s real uncomfortable.

Zelda- Salem, you do not have a knot.

Hilda sneezes.

Zelda- (To Hilda) Oh my, you're not coming down with something are you?

Hilda- Probably just allergies, I’d check the pollen count if I had the paper.

Zelda- Well let me make you some tea just in case, do you want a blanket?

Salem- (Thinking) Hilda gets attention just 'cause she might be sick. Hey!

Salem fakes a sneeze.

Zelda- Oh-no, not you too Salem?

Salem fakes a cough. Zelda strokes and fuses over him.

Salem- (Thinking) Oh yeah! Bring it on.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Mr. Kraft nearly collides with a student as he comes through the doors.

Mr. Kraft- Slow down!

He carries on down the hallway and sees Mrs. Quick approaching, he tries to duck into the teachers lounge but isn’t quick enough.

Mrs. Quick- Oh Mr. Kraft!

Mr. Kraft- Yes?

Mrs. Quick- I-I-I’ve been wondering, do you think it’s such a good idea to have the students work during lunch?

Mr. Kraft- No, I don’t think it’s a good idea, I think it’s a brilliant idea. And if Einstein’d had these kind of money saving ideas he could have afforded a hair cut.

Mr. Kraft exits into the teachers lounge and closes the door.

Mrs. Quick- (To the closed door) Okay, I was just wondering.

Sabrina, who had witnessed the conversation, has an idea and magic’s up another copy of ‘How to be confident’ She chases after Mrs. Quick.

Sabrina- Mrs. Quick! Um I had an extra copy of this book and I thought you might be interested in it.

Mrs. Quick Takes the book.

Mrs. Quick- (Reading) 'How to be confident'

Sabrina- You know, from a literary stand point.

Mrs. Quick- Oh don’t worry, I’m not offended. I just hope it’s more effective than ‘Confidence for dummies’

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda’s got the kettle on, Salem’s sat on the table faking being a very sick pussy.

Salem- (Coughing over dramatically) I think I’m getting worse.

Hilda- Either that or you do a lousy Jerry Lewis impersonation.

She gets a thermometer from the secret cabinet.

Salem- I’m pretty sure my livers involved. Maybe if you would scratch behind my ears.

Hilda does and then feels his nose.

Hilda- Well you don’t feel hot, maybe I should take your temperature.

Salem- Under the tongue! Under the tongue!

Hilda- Open.

Salem opens up and Hilda pops the thermometer in his mouth.

Hilda- (Cont.) All right, I’ll check in a few minutes

Salem watches her go into the dining room.

Salem- Hmm-hmm hmm-hmm. Hmmmmm!

He spots something.

Int. Spellman kitchen a minute later. Salem is sat on the counter with the thermometer in his mouth. He’s holding the other end in the steam from the kettle.

Salem- He-he-he-he! Thish aughta do it.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Once again Mrs. Quick has cornered Mr. Kraft and they walk down the hallway together.

Mr. Kraft- Hmm. U-hu, so what you're saying is that this ‘Westbridge town meeting’ will actually encourage the students to express their opinions?

Mrs. Quick- Exactly.

Mr. Kraft- Well why don’t we just let the students run the school? That’ll make for some high S. A. T’s

Mrs. Quick- But...

Mr. Kraft- (Interrupting) No name calling, I said no_town_meeting.

He walks off down the hall, leaving Mrs. Quick in his wake, and right past Sabrina at her locker

Mr. Kraft- Miss Spellman.

Sabrina- Hey Mr. Kraft.

No sooner has he passed than Sabrina’s finger sneezes again with enough force to spring the entire line of lockers open. Mr. Kraft spins round at the noise.

Sabrina- And they say we don’t have mice. Huh!

He turns away and carries on his way. Sabrina shakes her finger and blows on it.

Int. Spellman kitchen Hilda is stroking Salem as Zelda checks the thermometer. Salem is loving all the attention.

Zelda- Oh poor Salem, we didn’t realise you were running such a high temperature.

Salem- I don’t wanna be a burden, <Cough!> as long as you drop everything and stay focused on me, I should be fine.

Sabrina enters looking miserable, her finger is distinctly red. She sits at the table and the aunts immediately see she’s not well and leave Salem to rush over to her.

Hilda and Zelda- (Together) Sabrina?

Sabrina- I’m too weak to lie, I didn’t wear my mittens today.

Hilda- (To Zelda) I told you we should have glued them on.

Zelda- Remind me to scold you when you're not such a pathetic figure.

She feels Sabrina’s forehead.

Salem- Ohhhh-oh!

no-one takes any notice

Salem- (Louder) Ohhhhhhh-oh-ohhh!

Sabrina- I’m just going to zap myself into bed.

She points at herself but all her finger does is make a disgusting snotty noise.

Sabrina- Gross!

Hilda brings her a large bowl of soup.

Hilda- Here’s your chicken soup, it’s good for you.

Sabrina goes to drink the soup but Zelda stops her.

Zelda- Oh no dear, it’s for your finger.

She dips Sabrina’s finger in the soup.

Salem- Did I mention (Very Loud) Ohhhhhhhhh-ohh-oh!

Int. Spellman living room. The next morning. Hilda and Zelda are sat on the settee with their noses buried in magazines. Sabrina slips down the stairs quietly with her school bag over her shoulder, but not quietly enough.

Zelda- Sabrina!

Sabrina- Yes?

Zelda- Where do you think you're going?

Sabrina- School.

Hilda- Let's see your finger.

Sabrina has her hand hidden behind her back.

Sabrina- Oh it looks fine.

Hilda- Come on.

Sabrina shows them her finger, it’s hugely swollen, red and a little snotty.

Hilda- (Cont.) Uph! Not only have you got finger-flu but you’ve obviously gone blind.

Sabrina- I’ve gotta go to school. I can’t let Harvey and Valerie do lunch duty without me, the whole thing was my fault.

Zelda- You're staying home today and that’s that.

Hilda- Salem’s still sick, the two of you can keep each other company. Where is he?

Int. Spellman kitchen. He is sat on the counter reading the funny-pages and laughing.

Salem- Ha-ha-ha-ha! I don’t care what the critics say, Dunsbury makes altziemer’s funny. Ha-ha-ha!

The witches enter.

Salem- (Cont.) Ha-ha-ha-oargh erh hrgh hrgh, oh I feel awful (Sob)

Int. Spellman living room later. Sabrina is stretched out on the settee under a blanket with an ice-pack on her finger, Salem is on the cupboard behind her. They are watching ‘Rawhide’ on TV.

Sabrina- All I’ve done all day is eat, sleep and stare off into space. What an awful existence.

Salem- Hey! I don’t dump on your lifestyle.

Sabrina lifts the ice-pack and looks at her finger. It looks no better.

Sabrina- I just can’t enjoy myself knowing Harvey and Valerie have to serve lunch all by themselves.

Sabrina sighs and closes her eyes for a moment. On the TV the cowboys are riding through the dust, the Indians are whooping and hollering. Then the picture suddenly changes to ‘Breaking news. Live special report’

Announcer- We interrupt our regularly scheduled programs for a special report.

The picture shows Harvey and Valerie behind the lunch counter cowering behind sauce pan lids as they are pelted with food by angry students.

Announcer- (Cont.) Chaos at Westbridge High School.

Sabrina is suddenly wide awake. The caption on the screen reads. ‘Willard Kraft. Vice Principle Westbridge High’ A reporter has stuck a microphone under his nose.

Mr. Kraft- Just let me assure the public that we do have the situation under control, I’ll be seeing to it that the two lunch server’s who caused this fracas will be expelled. They are Harvey Kinkle and Valerie Birkhead, They’ll be impaled on stakes and paraded through town.

Announcer- Sources say ‘this would have never have happened if they hadn’t been short handed’

Sabrina wakes from her fevered dream and sits up.

Sabrina- Oh-no! I’ve gotta get to school.

She tosses the blanket aside and runs for the door.

Salem- Some people just don’t know how to enjoy being sick.

He yawns and puts his head down again.

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Things are hectic but not as bad as Sabrina’s dream. Harvey and Valerie are managing behind the counter, just. Mrs. Quick is just getting served, Libby is next in line, Sabrina rushes in.

Sabrina- Where do you want me?

She grabs an oven glove to hide her horrible looking finger.

Harvey- Sabrina, I thought you were sick?

Sabrina- I couldn’t let them turn you guys into kebabs.

Valerie- (To Harvey) Okay, well she obviously still has a fever.

Harvey- Oh-no! We’re out a tapioca pudding, I’d better go and get some.

He dashes off.

Valerie- Run, I’ll cover you.

Sabrina- (To the queue of students) Short delay.

Libby- Mrs. Tornnanis only had a sixth grade education and she could do this job.

Valerie- O-oh, the tater-tots are burning.

Valerie heads towards the kitchen. Sabrina takes off the oven glove and tosses it to her.

Sabrina- Here!

She has her swollen finger exposed and looks for a way to hide it so she grabs the nearest thing, a hot-dog bun. With her red finger inside, it looks like it only needs the mustard. As she turns back her finger sneezes sending the bun flying across the counter to hit Mrs. Quick but that’s not the only thing to hit the algebra teacher.

Sabrina- (To Herself) What just happened?

Libby- A little chilli please.

Sabrina just hides her finger.

Libby- (Cont.) Hello! I know scooping is a difficult skill to master.

Mrs. Quick- That’s enough Libby, get out of line.

Libby doesn’t have a choice as some unseen force physically drags her along the line to the end where she collides with Harvey bringing through a fresh vat of tapioca pudding, she falls and gets the lot all over her. Everyone laughs, Sabrina looks horrified.

Mrs. Quick- Oh, I am becoming more assertive.

Sabrina- (To herself) Oh-no! Mrs. Quick caught my magic!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda enter through the back door, Zelda turns and looks outside.

Zelda- Why is there a seminal in full head dress in the neighbours yard?

Hilda- Coincidence? Salem, you smell like chocolate.

Salem- Well... we didn’t have any cough-drops, so I substituted bonbon’s

Zelda- (Winking at Hilda) You know, I’m going to take your temperature again.

Hilda- Yeah, let's see how you're doing.

Salem- Under the tongue! Under the tongue!

Zelda gets the thermometer from the secret cabinet

Zelda- No, I want a more accurate reading this time.

Salem- Armpit? Don’t I get a VOTE IN THIS! Get me the SPCA!

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina comes out of the cafeteria still trying to hide her grossly distended finger and makes for the drinking fountain. Valerie follows.

Valerie- Man, Mrs. Quick was really forceful in there.

Sabrina- Really, do ya think?

Mrs. Quick comes out of the cafeteria as a student walks past, his shoulders are slumped.

Mrs. Quick- Frank, don’t slouch.

Frank immediately straightens his back, overdoing it a little.

Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) That's better

Frank- Oh my spine.

He walks off very erect. Mrs. Quick thinks he’s joking and heads in another direction.

Sabrina- (To Valerie) I gotta call home.

Valerie leaves as Sabrina heads across the hall to the pay phones. She lifts the receiver and pops in a quarter but gets no dial-tone.

Sabrina- Oh Where’s the dial-tone.

Mrs. Quick- (In passing) Oh I tell ya, if I had a dime for every quarter that phone took from me.

She moves on as the phone starts spewing out dimes, Sabrina tries to catch them.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda have their heads together by the counter. Salem sits sulking on the table.

Zelda- (Whispering) Salem’s been faking it all along.

Hilda- (Whispering) Let's bust him, now.

Zelda- Or we could have some fun first.

Salem- Tum-te-tum, tum, tum.

Hilda- That cat’s going to wish he was sick.

The phone rings.

Zelda- I’ll get it. (Down the phone) Hello?.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda?

Zelda- Sabrina, I thought you were up stairs taking a nap.

Sabrina- You can punish me later. I sneaked out to school, my finger sneezed on Mrs. Quick and she caught my magic. What do I do?

Zelda- First thing you do is hear me say ‘You're in big trouble’ The next thing is get Mrs. Soon here quick, I mean get Mrs. Quick here soon.

Sabrina- How? I can’t trust my finger, it’s all stuffed up.

Zelda- Then do it the mortal way... and drink fluids.

Zelda hangs up.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina hangs up.

Sabrina- The mortal way? Okay, I need a blindfold and a gun.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Salem is all unsuspecting.

Salem- Tum-te-tum, tum, tum.

Hilda- Well Salem, your temperature is alarmingly high.

Salem- I’m really sick?

Hilda- Yes and that can only mean one thing.

Salem- More attention and sympathy?

Hilda- A nice cold bath.

Hilda points and a kitty bath appears on the table with ice cubes floating in it.

Salem- What! I’m feeling better! I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina runs to catch up with Mrs. Quick.

Sabrina- Mrs. Quick!

Mrs. Quick- Yes Sabrina?

Sabrina- I...

Mrs. Quick sees a student running past her along the hallway

Mrs. Quick- (Interrupting) No running Doug!

Doug stops dead in his tracks. He would have over balanced but his feet are firmly fixed to the floor. He glances round at Mrs. Quick then tries again to move without success and pulls at his legs.

Sabrina- Oh Er I’m feeling sick.

Mrs. Quick- Oh, poor dear!

Sabrina- I was wondering if maybe you could drive me home?

Mr. Kraft walks by and Mrs. Quick spots him.

Mrs. Quick- Excuse me Mr. Kraft, I’d like a word with you.

Mr. Kraft- Fine, if you must.

Sabrina’s finger sneezes, Sabrina covers the sound by making out she had sneezed. The finger sneezes again and points at Mr. Kraft’s toe.

Mr. Kraft- (Hopping about) Aw! Hot foot! (To Sabrina) What’s wrong with your finger?

Sabrina- I slammed it in a car door, it’ll be fine.

Mr. Kraft- (To Mrs. Quick) I’ll be in the cafeteria.

He hobbles off.

Mrs. Quick- (To Sabrina) Dear, you should see the nurse about your stomach, and perhaps some sort of surgeon about your finger.

She follows after Mr. Kraft.

Sabrina- But...

Sabrina’s left standing, as is Doug who even with the help of a friend is unable to lift his feet.

Int. School Cafeteria. Mrs. Quick enters to find Mr. Kraft at a portable chalkboard.

Mrs. Quick- Mr. Kraft, you have no right to make the students work during lunch.

Sabrina enters and stands quietly out of the way to listen.

Mr. Kraft- Do you think I am doing this just to make the students angry? That’s just a delightful bonus. I am doing this to appease the School Board, which is something that we administrators do.

Mrs. Quick- Oh You-You-You're nothing but the School Boards trained chimp!

After she’s said it she’s not wrong as Mr. Kraft reverts through a few million years of evolution to become a chimpanzee, and yet his clothes still fit. Mrs. Quick looks around in disbelief and spots Sabrina.

Mrs. Quick- Oh dear, I’m freaking out! I thought it was being confident but it turns out I’m just insane.

She starts to cry and Sabrina has to do something.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Think Sabrina! Think! Er To hide the heart from conflicting clashes, what we need are rose coloured glasses.

She points at the table but her finger just makes a sound like a stuffed up nose so she grabs the pepper-pot from the table and sprinkles some on her finger, it sneezes and produces the required glasses.

Mrs. Quick- (To herself) This is just like the doctor told me, I'm going out of my mind! Oh what are we going to do? Mr. Kraft is a chimp and the world seems altered somehow.

Sabrina slips the glasses on Mrs. Quick.

Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) And I’m sure everything will turn out just fine.

Sabrina- Okay. Now all I have to do is get home a kidnapped teacher and a chimp, let's do it!

Mrs. Quick takes Mr. Kraft’s hand and leads him after Sabrina.

Mrs. Quick- Come on Mr. Kraft. Sabrina, your fingers dripping, how fun!

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda, Hilda, Mrs. Quick and Sabrina enter. Sabrina looks towards her bedroom.

Sabrina- Can we hurry it up because there’s one thing in my room Mr. Kraft hasn’t destroyed.

Mr. Kraft the chimp comes out of Sabrina’s room dragging Sabrina’s torn up book bag behind him.

Sabrina- Never mind.

Zelda- Okay, Dr. Brickman is expecting us. Now he’s the foremost authority on fractures.

Sabrina looks at her.

Zelda- (Cont.) And he’s not half bad at stuff like this.

Hilda- And he can take a look at that finger, but until then could you put it somewhere?

They all file into the linen closet.

Mrs. Quick- We’re going to a doctor? Oh good, I’m due for a check up.

The closet door closes and they are transported to the Other Realm.

Mrs. Quick- (OS) Wheeeeeee!

Int. Dr. Brickman’s waiting room. They’re all waiting and reading magazines except Mr. Kraft who’s tearing them up and eating them. And Sabrina who is looking around at everyone else.

Sabrina- I’m beginning to think I should have worn mittens.

Nurse- Sabrina Spellman, the doctor will see you now.

She enters the surgery accompanied by aunt Zelda. Hilda leans forward and hands Mr. Kraft a magazine.

Hilda- I’m finished with this if you’d like to eat it.

Mr. Kraft takes the magazine and sticks it in his mouth.

Int. Dr. Brickman’s surgery.

Zelda- Now there’s something you should know about Dr. Brickman.

Dr. Brickman enters reading his clip board.

Dr. Brickman- Hello, I’m Dr. Brickman.

Whatever Zelda was going to tell Sabrina becomes mute as Sabrina sees for herself that Dr. Brickman is only seven years old.

Sabrina- (To Zelda) Let me guess, he has cold hands?

Zelda- Don’t worry, he performed his first operation at two.

Dr. Brickman- I even supervised my own birth. I’m a complete professional.

He examines Sabrina’s finger then turns to his nurse.

Dr. Brickman- The patients finger presents as distended and yucky

Sabrina- Oh shoot! My insurance only covers ooky but not yucky.

Dr. Brickman- I’m going to have to drain this.

Sabrina- (To Zelda) Okay, this child is not coming anywhere near me with anything sharp.

Int. Dr. Brickman’s waiting room. Hilda is sat reading next to Mrs. Quick who still wears the rose coloured glasses.

Mrs. Quick- Oh my eyes are a little tired, must be all the lovely excitement.

She starts to remove the glasses but jumps back leaving them on the end of her nose.

Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) Mr. Kraft is a chimp! Mr. Kraft is a chimp!

Hilda doesn’t even look up from the article she’s reading as she reaches across and slides the glasses back up.

Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) Just like Curious George.

Int. Dr. Brickman’s surgery. The doctor is about to drain Sabrina’s finger and for the purpose he’s using a tap. It’s fitted over the finger and he turns it. Blue, liquid puss pours out.

Sabrina- Wow! That does feel better.

Dr. Brickman- I invented this device.

Zelda- Yes, and he named it the wicked, cool, drainy thing.

Dr. Brickman- (Turning off the tap) Now, I’m ready for the others

Int. Dr. Brickman’s surgery. a little later. The doctor is rubbing his chin thoughtfully while Mr. Kraft sits on the examination table. Mrs. Quick is stood close by.

Dr. Brickman- Hmm, fascinating. Mrs. Quick, I’m going to ask you to point at Mr. Kraft and cough.

Mrs. Quick- Fine by me.

Sabrina- Wait, shouldn’t we get Mr. Kraft some rose coloured glasses for when he’s transformed?

Dr. Brickman- I think we should use something more medically sound.

He reaches into the top pocket of his lab coat and pulls something out.

Sabrina- A lolly pop? Okay, it’s second opinion time.

Zelda- No, it’s a magical lolly pop. Anyone who sucks on it will instantly become a sucker who will believe anything we tell them. It’s a highly regarded scientific procedure.

Hilda- (Taking the lolly pop) And it comes in an assortment of fruit flavours.

Dr. Brickman- Mrs. Quick, please proceed.

Mrs. Quick nods happily and point’s at the chimp. She coughs and Mr. Kraft reverts to his normal state, he looks around.

Mr. Kraft- What’s going on here? Sabrin...!

Hilda jams the lolly pop in his mouth.

Hilda- You're here because you're rescuing all these people on a secret mission for the FBI.

Mr. Kraft- (Taking the lolly from his mouth) No kidding?

Sabrina- Hey this is fun, President Clinton went on TV and said you're a big fat stupid-head.

Mr. Kraft- And that’s why I’m a Republican.

Zelda- Okay, that’s enough. What do we do next doctor?

Dr. Brickman- First of all, get back to where the spell originally took place.

He picks up two cotton-swabs from a tray.

Dr. Brickman- (Cont.) Then put these in their ears and turn it counter-clockwise, it will erase their memory of the spell.

Sabrina- And what will erase my memory of having to do that?

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Mr. Kraft and Mrs. Quick are back there with Sabrina. Mr. Kraft still sucks his lolly pop, although it’s a lot smaller, and Mrs. Quick still wears her glasses.

Sabrina- Mrs. Quick, I’m going to stick this cotton-swab in your ear if you don’t mind.

Mrs. Quick- Oh, I’m sure nothing but good will come of it.

Sabrina- And Mr. Kraft, I’m going to have to stick one in your ear too.

Mr. Kraft- Why?

Sabrina- Because when I do it will take years off your life and... make you a famous song and dance man.

Mr. Kraft- Oh really! Oh then swab away.

Sabrina carefully fits one swab in Mr. Kraft’s ear then the other in Mrs. Quick’s just as Mr. Kraft finishes his lolly pop and starts to come back to himself.

Mr. Kraft- Sabrina, what’s going on here?

Sabrina- (Quickly) Screw! Screw! Screw! Screw! Screw! Screw! Screw! Screw!

She pulls out the swabs and ducks back to where she had originally stood. The rose coloured glasses vanish from Mrs. Quick.

Mr. Kraft- The School Boards trained chimp? Do you realise what you are saying and who you are saying it to?

Mrs. Quick- Well I-I-I-I...

Sabrina- Oh she’s lost all her confidence.

Mrs. Quick- (Cont.) I mean, yes I do, you're their little monkey. You just do what they want you to do, even though deep down you think it’s wrong. You know, I used to respect you.

Mr. Kraft- Well...! You really know how to hit a guys sore spot, don’t you?

Mrs. Quick- You’ll never teach the students values by exploiting them.

Mr. Kraft- Okay, so we agree to disagree. And maybe I will hire a new lunch lady,

Sabrina- (To herself) Yes!

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) but the students will have to keep working their shifts until I do, you got it?

He walks out of the cafeteria. Mrs. Quick is annoyed and frustrated.

Int. School hallway. Mr. Kraft enters from the cafeteria tugging his sleeves. Mrs. Quick follows.

Mrs. Quick- And that includes football players and cheerleaders.

Mr. Kraft- Oh not in this universe.

Mrs. Quick- (Forcefully) FOOTball players and CHEERleaders!

Mr. Kraft- Okay! Jeez! How do you really feel about it?

Mr. Kraft walks off down the hallway past Sabrina at her locker. He’s walking a little bandy legged and scratches his head

Int. School Cafeteria. The next day. Sabrina and Harvey are sat eating lunch. Valerie comes to join them.

Sabrina- Hey!

Valerie- Hey, so I’m a little concerned about my new found confidence, it seems to be limited to getting me more tater-tots.

Harvey helps himself to Valerie's excess tater-tots

Harvey- Yeah, but I really appreciate it.

Sabrina- You know Valerie, I learned that if you think you are confident, you are confident.

Valerie- And I learned that childhood trauma’s don’t go away by reading a book.

A student runs into the cafeteria past Mrs. Quick.

Mrs. Quick- Hey! Hey! Hey Mister!

The student stops

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Oh-no! I’ve created a monster.

Mrs. Quick- You could fall and really hurt yourself dear. Come on, let's go get you some cocoa.

Valerie- I wanna be just like her... oh except for the low teachers salary part.

Sabrina- Heads up, here comes the floor show.

Libby comes through pushing a trolley, wearing an apron and hair-net.

Libby- It’s time to wake up from my nightmare. (Nips herself) Aw! It’s time to wake up from my nightmare. (Nips herself) Aw! It’s time to wake up from my nightmare...

Everyone laughs.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is sat on the counter with an ice pack on his head groaning. Hilda and Zelda examine him.

Zelda- Oh yeah, these glands are definitely swollen.

Hilda- Doesn’t that usually require surgery?

Zelda- Hmm-hm.

Salem- Sur... sur... I’m fakin’ it!

Run Credits.

Salem- (Cont.) I faked the whole thing <sob!>

Hilda- What!

Zelda- How could you?

Salem- I just wanted a little attention, is that so wrong? <sob!>

Hilda- Yes.

Zelda- Salem, I hope you’ve learned your lesson, it’s wrong for a cat to cry Wolf.

Salem- I’ll never do it again.

Hilda- Okay.

The Sisters turn to go.

Salem- But I still have that knot y’know!



Pic of the Week