Witch Trash

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda and Hilda are sat on the settee. Sabrina sits on the wicker coffee table in front of Hilda with her aunt’s foot in her lap giving a foot massage.

Sabrina- Would you like some more cocoa aunt Zelda?

Zelda- Not until I know why you're doing all this.

Sabrina- I just want you guys to relax... and I want my own car.

Zelda and Hilda look at each other.

Zelda and Hilda- (Simultaneously) No!

Sabrina- Then you leave me no choice, here.

She hands Zelda her school report and stands up dropping Hilda’s foot.

Hilda- Aw!

Zelda- (Reading) A ‘C’ in history?

Sabrina- I got a ‘C’ because I don’t have a car.

Hilda- That happened to me once. I got a ‘D’ because my dad wouldn’t get me a rocket.

Sabrina- I had a report due on the Freedom Trail so I had to go to the stupid Freedom Trail but my ride into Boston fell through, so I ran out of time.

Zelda- Sabrina, you cannot blame your circumstances for not getting your work done. If there are obstacles in your path go around them.

Hilda- That’s right, if you can’t get to the Freedom Trail, try freedom fighter.

Hilda uses her magic to activate the magic book on it’s stand, it opens itself at the required page and a young blue coat jumps out complete with musket and tri cornered hat.

Freedom Fighter- Paper on the Freedom Trail?

Hilda and Zelda nod yes.

Freedom Fighter- The Freedom Trail includes many historical sites, the significance of Boston.....

Sabrina- (To her aunts) Wouldn’t a car have been easier?

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina has her coat and bag ready as the front door-bell rings.

Sabrina- I’m coming!

She answers the door. It’s Harvey and Valerie

Sabrina- Hey guys.

Valerie- Hey, ready for breakfast?

Harvey- Yeah, we’re going to Big John’s. If you order the lumberjack special before eight-thirty you get to keep the plate.

Valerie- And if you're there before eight-fifteen you get to keep the fork.

Harvey- You think Big John’s is going out of business?

Sabrina- (To her aunts) We’re going to the Aquarium, we’ll be back by six. I’m driving... Oh no I’m not, I don’t have a car.

Zelda- Nice try Sabrina.

Hilda- Have fun.

Valerie tried to open the front door but it’s jammed

Valerie- That’s weird, it’s stuck!

Sabrina- Are you sure?

She gives it a try but with the same lack of result. Suddenly there’s the sound of locks clicking shut all over the house. Zelda and Hilda jump up and run over.

Zelda- What’s going on?

Sabrina- (For the benefit of the mortals) I know it sounds crazy but the door won’t open. I wonder how that happened?

Zelda- Oh dear. Hilda, would you check the back door and I’ll try these.

Indicating the French windows. She does try them and they’re locked

Zelda- Boy, that’s a... No. (Calling to the kitchen) Hilda, any luck?

Hilda- (OS) Even the cat door won’t open.

Valerie- Is it time to start worrying about the oxygen supply?

Sabrina- (To Valerie) Ah, would you excuse us for a second?

She pulls Zelda along with her to the dinning room and closes the sliding doors.

Int. Spellman dining room. Hilda is trying a window, it rattles but stays firmly shut.

Sabrina- What’s going on here?

Zelda- I’ve got a hunch. Hilda did you mail that mortgage payment I gave you last week?

Hilda- Of course I did... didn’t I? Oh I absolutely... don’t remember.

Zelda- Well we’re probably in a lock down. It’s a scare tactic that witch lenders use to remind the customer that their payment is a little late or that their little sister is a little brain dead. We’ve got to go there.

Sabrina- How am I going to stall Harvey and Valerie?

Zelda- You’ll think of something.

Hilda- But don’t use a mind-freeze, when people are thawed they tend to lose the letter ‘R’.

Sabrina- Go around the obstacles right?

Zelda- That’s our girl,

Hilda and Zelda leave.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Then can I have a car?

Hilda and Zelda stick their heads back through the door.

Hilda and Zelda- (Together) No!

Int. Spellman living room. Harvey and Valerie are still waiting. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Sorry guys, our alarm system freaked out. My aunts went upstairs to check on it but we’re locked in.

Harvey- Let me try this thing.

He walks to the door and grabs the handle, with a mighty heave he pulls, it stretches and stretches and stretches some more, then pulls him back. He try’s again but this time it doesn’t stretch, it just comes off in his hand.

Harvey- Is this part of the standard alarm package or is it extra?

Valerie- We’re not going to Big John’s.

Sabrina- Ah, that’s okay, I’ll cook... And everyone goes home with a knife, wait here.

Sabrina heads off to the kitchen.

Int. Other Realm Budget Mortgage Inc. An elderly city gent in a three piece suit, spectacles and a rather dodgy toupee is reading the paper when two women appear out of thin air in his office. It’s Zelda and Hilda.

Mortgage Banker- Hello ladies. Welcome to Budget Mortgage where we for-go the frills to save you money.

Zelda- That’s why I picked it.

Mortgage Banker- Yes. I’d give you my card but that would be a frill.

Zelda- Our house has been sealed.

Mortgage Banker- Has it started to fill up with sand yet?

Hilda- No.

Mortgage Banker- Well then it’s not a foreclosure, probably just a late payment. Let's have a look see.

He picks up a huge old rolodex file.

Mortgage Banker- (To himself) Spellman. Okay, P, Q, R. Coming up.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina is ‘cooking’ breakfast with her finger.

Sabrina- (To herself) Freshly zapped Orange juice.

Two glass of Orange appear on the counter.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, now should I make omelettes or eggs benedict? Well since I don’t know what eggs benedict is, I guess I’ll make omelettes.

Sabrina starts her spell but is interrupted part way through as Valerie and Harvey enter.

Valerie- Sabrina!

She quickly puts her hands on to the plates to stop them rocking with the power of her partly unleashed magic.

Sabrina- Pesky earthquakes.

Valerie- We’re lonely.

Harvey- Yeah, can we hang with you?

Sabrina- Please don’t! I mean I can’t have you stealing all my Spellman family recipe’s

Valerie- For eggs? Come on, you won’t even know we’re here.

Sabrina takes a bowl of eggs from the refrigerator.

Sabrina- Okay so er how do you like ’em?

Harvey- Scrambled’s fine with me.

Sabrina- Okay then. Is that scrambled on top of the stove or in some sort a casserole?

She breaks an egg messily.

Int. Other Realm Budget Mortgage Inc. The Mortgage Banker is checking the Spellman account using an antique printer calculator with a ribbon role.

Mortgage Banker- (To self)And seventeen. One, seven.

He pulls the lever.

Mortgage Banker- (Cont.) Five point five.

Another pull

Mortgage Banker- (To Hilda and Zelda) How do you like this baby hey? It’s a lot better than a slide rule I’ll tell you.

He rips off the paper ribbon.

Mortgage Banker- All righty, well your payments are up to date.

Hilda looks pleased.

Zelda- Then why is our house sealed?

Mortgage Banker- I don’t know. I could run these numbers again.

Hilda- NO!

Mortgage Banker- Oh let me see if I can get the main auditor on the blower.

He reaches for an antique phone.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Harvey blast’s the raging inferno on top of the stove with the fire extinguisher.

Sabrina- I didn’t know eggs were flammable.

Valerie- No, the pot holders flammable, it spread to the eggs.

Int. Other Realm Budget Mortgage Inc. The Mortgage Banker is still on the phone. Hilda and Zelda are getting impatient.

Mortgage Manger- Ethel, Ethel it’s Ed. Would you please try Plaza two zero nine for me? No hurry, we’ve got all century.

He smiles at his own joke. Hilda and Zelda are not amused.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Breakfast is finally on the table. Sabrina and Valerie toy with their’s waiting for Harvey to try it first. He puts a fork full in his mouth and takes it out again.

Harvey- Hmm I’m full.

Valerie- Stuffed.

Harvey- D’ya think you can see how your aunts are doing with that alarm system?

Int. Other Realm Budget Mortgage Inc. Nothings changed.

Mortgage Banker- (Down phone) Alrighty... You bet... Hmm, you too.

Hilda- (Getting up.) One more pleasantry and Ethel will get hurt.

Mortgage Banker- (Down phone) Er, Mmm, I’ll call you later.

He hangs up.

Zelda- What my sister means is did you find anything out?

Mortgage Banker- Well your mortgage has indeed been fully paid.

Hilda- You know what you are? You are... not helpful. We are taking our mortgage elsewhere.

Zelda- Hilda! It’s a two hundred year loan at one percent.

Hilda- I don’t care.

Hilda and Zelda head for the door but before they reach it half a hundred weight of pork rinds are dumped over them from thin air.

Zelda- Why is it raining pork rinds?

Mortgage Banker- Your house is sealed and somebody is dumping salty snacks. You don’t have a mortgage problem, that’s family.

Hilda- We don’t have any relatives that we have problems with.

Zelda- Boyd and Racine!

Hilda- Huh! Our hill billy cousins.

Mortgage Banker- Told ya.

Hilda glares at him.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina, Harvey and Valerie are playing cards. Harvey puts down a hand of gin-rummy, the girls toss in their hands.

Harvey- Do you think it’s possible that your aunts got lost upstairs?

Valerie- I think I’m getting bed sores.

There’s a flash of lightning and thunder from upstairs.

Harvey- What was that?

Sabrina- Oh they’re probably off the phone, I’ll go check. Meanwhile, why don’t you guys go... play pool.

Valerie- You have a pool table?

Sabrina- Right through there in the... parlour.

Harvey- That’s awesome, let's play.

They head towards the none existent parlour with it’s none existent pool table. Sabrina does some serious pointing and by the time they reach it there’s a whole new wing to the house.

Harvey- Wow! It looks brand new.

Valerie- Why were we playing cards?

They go in to play as Zelda and Hilda come down the stairs.

Sabrina- Finally! Can we leave now?

Zelda- Unfortunately no, our cousins Racine and Boyd have put a lock-down on the house

Hilda- But the good news is, I did pay the mortgage.

Sabrina- Racine and Boyd?

Zelda- They’re relatives that you haven’t met yet because... they’re horrible. They’re just horrible.

Hilda- They’re mad because great granny left us the magic book in her will. They tend to lash out if they have a bad night at bingo.

Sabrina- But they can still do magic? I mean they sealed this house pretty well.

Zelda- Well on earth a little magic goes a long way but in the Other Realm it’s about as impressive as hanging a spoon from your nose.

Sabrina- Well it must be hard for them to manage in the Other Realm without the magic book. Why it would be like an American teenager without a car.

Hilda- (To Zelda) I have to hand it to her, even in a panic situation she managed to pitch that car.

Sabrina- We have to do something! I have mortals in the parlour.

Hilda- We don’t have a parlour.

Sabrina- We do now.

Zelda- Calm down! These feuds don’t last forever. It’ll probably be over in a year or two.

Sabrina- What?!

Hilda- We’ll think of a solution over lunch. We’ll eat in.

But Sabrina isn’t waiting till lunch, she’s already thought of a solution. She casts a spell and the linen closet door-bell rings.

Zelda- Who could that be?

Sabrina- Probably Racine and Boyd, I just invited then for lunch.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The linen closet flashes.

Racine- (OS) Lord have mercy, look at the number of towels.

Boyd- (OS) It’s like there’s one towel for each person.

Sabrina and her aunts enter as Racine, Boyd and Maw Maw, carrying a large shopping basket, enter from the closet.

Racine- Well it’s a good thing you folk have such a fancy place, 'cause you ain’t never leavin’ it.

Sabrina- Hi, I’m Sabrina.

Racine- We’re sitin’ in our recliners in our own front yard and suddenly we’re conjured to the Mortal Realm. What would you call that Maw Maw?

Maw Maw- Rude.

Sabrina- You must be Racine.

Racine’s blond hair is in two bunches, she wears a black bodice over a white blouse, a mini skirt and stiletto mules.

Hilda- And that’s Boyd, Racine’s husband,

He sports a button neck vest and dungaree’s

Hilda- (Cont.) and Boyd’s mother Maw Maw, that’s her given name.

Maw Maw is short and heavy set in a floral print smock dress and head scarf.

Zelda- Sabrina wanted us to invite you over so that we could talk about this feud.

Boyd- And lunch, didn’t somebody say some'in' about lunch?

Racine- Hey I got dressed, they better be feedin’ us.

Racine leads Boyd off towards the stairs, Maw Maw follows.

Zelda- Maw Maw! The towel.

Maw Maw pulls a face and then pulls a towel from her shopping bag and hands it to Hilda

Sabrina- Well, so far so good.

Int. Spellman living room. Both sets of cousins come down stairs.

Boyd- Well look at what the magic book can do, this place looks like the Taj Mahal with indoor plumin’

Salem- Sorry folks, Gracelands is closed today.

Maw Maw- You know cats make real nice jerky.

Salem sobs in fear.

Sabrina- Okay, well how about we start this visit off right, I’ll get everyone some iced-tea and you guys can unseal the house.

Racine- How about I take my iced-tea with a little sugar and a magic book?

Zelda- Oh well that’s certainly in the spirit of compromise.

Racine- Cain’t you ever talk like a normal person?

Hilda- This from a woman who says ‘Cain’t’?

Sabrina- You know, I think we’ll all feel better when we eat something. The dinning rooms that way.

Maw Maw- Oh, no TV trays?

Boyd- What is this, Christmas?

The country cousins exit into the dinning room as Valerie and Harvey enter, pool cue’s in hand.

Harvey- I don’t care how many times you beat me, I’m not calling you Westbridge Slim.

Valerie- Okay, how about just Slim?

Harvey- (To Zelda) Is the alarm fixed yet?

Zelda- Not yet

Valerie- We should call the fire department, they have axe’s.

Sabrina- No!

Zelda- What Sabrina means is erm... no! The alarm company’s working on it.

Valerie- Well what about the police?

Zelda- Why don’t you... stay for lunch.

Sabrina- What!

Zelda- It’ll be all right. I’ll warn... tell our guests.

Harvey- You have guests?

Sabrina- Cousins.

Harvey- How did they get in if we can’t get out?

Sabrina- Oh well... they got here last night. They just woke up now... Jet-lag.

Valerie- Where are they from?

Sabrina- Hong Kong.

Int. Spellman dinning room. Boyd and Racine are looking at a silver metal case on the table.

Racine- What is this?

Boyd- I don’t know, somein’ expensive I reckon.

He tentatively touches the case. It opens revealing the Lab-top’s complex array of multicoloured glass tubing, beakers and bottles

Racine- Wow! Look at that, their own still.

Enter Zelda and Hilda from the kitchen.

Zelda- Don’t touch that! I’m sorry it’s just very sensitive equipment.

Boyd- Yeah! Sure! Sure! Put us down fer two jugs

Racine nudges Hilda knowingly. Zelda closes the Lab-top.

Zelda- Listen, before we zap in lunch I want you to know that Sabrina’s mortal friends will be joining us.

Racine- Oh Lord, don’t tell Maw Maw. Maw Maw don’t break bread with no mortal’s

Hilda- Well Sabrina’s half mortal.

Racine- Oh Lord, don’t tell Maw Maw!

Hilda- Well we won’t tell Maw Maw if you won’t do magic at lunch, deal?

Boyd- Are those the fancy sorta rules one might find in say... a magic book?

Int. Spellman living room. The sliding doors to the dinning room open and Zelda enters.

Zelda- Right this way.

Harvey and Valerie enter the dining room but Zelda pushes the door closed before Sabrina can follow them.

Zelda- (Cont.) Here, just in case you need to divert Harvey and Valerie’s attention.

She casts a spell and a small tube appears in Sabrina’s hand.

Sabrina- (Reading the wrapper) 'Astonish Mints. One pack enthrals for hours' (To Zelda) D’ya really think I’m going to need these?

Boyd- (OS) Bring on the grub.

Zelda- Like I said, just in case.

They enter the dining room.

Int Spellman dinning room. Everyone is seated round the table, Boyd and Maw Maw are tucking into corn on the cob with their serviettes tucked in their collars. Boyd also sports a nifty line in head gear. A yellow plastic hard hat with soda cans fastened to the sides and straws looping down to his mouth. Zelda gets up to serve stuffing.

Zelda- My, that’s quite an impressive hat Boyd.

Racine- I wish you wouldn’t wear that.

Hilda- It is just a touch silly.

Racine- It’d be fine if we could afford brand name soda, but with bargain soda he looks like a fool.

Maw Maw- Grown man with cheap soda on his head, what message does that send? I’ll tell you what message, this man’s got no magic book.

Harvey- Magic book?

Sabrina- TV guide, ha! Hong Kongiens.

Racine- Anybody mind if I zap in somethin’ fried?

Hilda- Oh you're talking about using a Microwave right? There’s nothing magical about that.

Harvey- A baked potato in six minutes, that’s pretty magical.

Valerie- So tell us what it’s like living in Hong Kong.

Racine- (To Sabrina) What is your little mortal friend talkin’ about?

Maw Maw, who is sat beside Harvey jumps up and backs away horrified.

Maw Maw- Mortal! I ain’t sitting next to it.

Valerie- Mortal?

Sabrina whips out the Astonish Mint’s and offers them to Valerie

Sabrina- Mint?

Valerie- Is it my breath?

Sabrina- Yeah. Harvey you too.

They both take a mint and pop them in their mouths.

Zelda- Anyone ever been astonished by the number nine?

The Mint’s take effect quickly.

Harvey- Me! Three times nine is twenty-seven which is two and seven.

Valerie- And two and seven equals nine! That’s astonishing.

Sabrina- I have a calculator up in my room.

Valerie- (To Harvey, excited) Race you!

Harvey and Valerie run off.

Maw Maw- To think I mixed with mortals, now I cain’t be buried in the family crypt.

Sabrina- I think the problem you have with mortals is the same problem you have with my aunts.

Racine- What, mortals have the magic book?

Sabrina- No, you’ve feuded my aunts because you don’t understand them.

Racine- And they have the magic book.

Sabrina- But you have to see things from the other persons point of view, I think I see both side because I’m half mortal.

Maw Maw- I knew it, those eyes are too far apart.

Sabrina is astonished but feels her eyes just to make sure.

Int Sabrina’s bedroom. The astonished Harvey is looking at himself in the mirror.

Harvey- So since everything’s reversed when I look into a mirror I’m not seeing what you see when you look at me.

Valerie looks at the reflection over Harvey’s shoulder.

Valerie- Exactly! You look nothing like that.

Harvey- Ha! It’s astonishing.

Int Spellman living room. Racine, Boyd and Maw Maw are tucking into their pudding while the Spellman’s look on. Boyd licks his fingers.

Boyd- I want to work, it’s just hard... when you ain’t got no magic book.

Hilda- Or grammar book.

Zelda- Erm, we’ll get more pudding and crackers. You seem to like that combination.

Hilda and Zelda exit.

Sabrina- I know what you mean. I want a car.

Racine- Oh just like Boyd wants a job.

Sabrina- Exactly, but I don’t have the money.

Boyd- Just like we don’t have a magic book.

Sabrina- Right! See now we’re understanding each other. This is the beginning of working things out.

Racine- Well I’m glad to see someone understands our troubles.

Sabrina- I do, I know how tough it is to make it on your own. I mean my aunts tell me that I have to earn the car but it’s hard to get a job when you're only seventeen.

Racine- Are you implying that someone Boyd’s age shouldn’t have trouble finding work?

Sabrina- No, I just meant it was hard for me because I’m still in school.

Boyd- Oh, So now you're throwin’ your education up in our face.

Racine- I bet you think we’re nothin’ but witch trash.

Sabrina- That’s not what I meant, look I’m the one who sympathises with you.

Racine- Oh really?

Sabrina- Absolutely, when I think of how much the magic book has helped me since I got it.

Maw Maw- Huh! The mutt has the magic book!

Boyd- Oh Maw! The mortal’s are takin’ over the world.

Racine- Sabrina, you give us that magic book and you give it now.

Sabrina- But I’m in the middle of studying for my witch’s licence.

Hilda and Zelda arrive with more pudding.

Zelda- Here we are.

Racine- Well, I guess there’s no more reason for us to stay. The magic book has passed hands and once again our hands are empty. Come on, we’re missing the wheel.

Sabrina- Oh don’t go! Look there’s more pudding.

Boyd- We got pudding at home. It may be canned, it may be government surplus, I don’t know, It may even be pie fillin’ but it’s ours.

Zelda- Don’t be a big baby Boyd, unseal this house and let those mortal’s go home.

Racine- We wouldn’t unseal this high falutin’ house for all the bacon grease in China.

The Cousins storm off upstairs to the linen closet and home.

Sabrina- (To her aunts) Now how am I going to get Valerie and Harvey out of this house?

Hilda- I say we fight pork rinds with garbage. Oh let's start by pelting them with rotten tomato’s

Zelda- No! No! No! No! These Spellman’s will not stoop to their level, no matter how tempting that might be. We will not get anywhere by trying to get...

Zelda slides back the living room door to see that her precious Lab-top has been totally trashed.

Zelda- (Cont.) ...even. This means war!

Let battle commence, Zelda raises her finger in anger

Ext. The Other Realm. Outside the hill billy's trailer. Racine, Boyd and Maw Maw are sat at the table watching TV, Their favourite show is on.

Racine, Boyd and Maw Maw- Wheel_of_fortune.

The TV explodes.

Racine- Noooo!

She twirls her finger.

Int Spellman Living room. Sabrina, her aunts and Salem are sat on the settee watching the TV. Racine’s spell hits and they are transformed into hill billy's. Dungaree’s and vest’s, hair in pig tails. Sabrina and Salem have straws in their mouths and Salem shows off a nice style in straw hats. Hilda, who’s also short a few front teeth retaliates.

Ext. The Other Realm. Boyd’s having an outdoor shower, He’s wearing a shower cap. Well a back to front baseball cap actually. The water suddenly turns muddy. He counter strikes then shrugs and carries on with his shower.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina in her bathrobe opens the bathroom door. She sees a wooden bench with a hole in it and a hinged lid. For toilet paper there’s a week old news paper. There’s plenty of gaps in the plank wall for spiders to hide in. Sabrina screams and closes the door. It’s changed to an outhouse door with a moon shaped hole in it. Sabrina strikes back.

Ext. The Other Realm. Boyd is off to the outhouse with a comic under his arm. He opens the outhouse door to find a sparkling clean fully fitted bathroom. Boyd screams.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina brings over a lava-lamp and places it on the desk before Harvey and Valerie. They stare at it astonished.

Int Spellman kitchen. Sabrina and her aunts are round the counter drinking soda, Salem is sat on the counter. Another transformation spell hits them, this time giving them T shirts with a beer mug on the front. Jeans and braces and a beer gut. This looks particularly out of place on Salem. Sabrina strikes again.

Ext. The Other Realm. Racine and Maw Maw are hoeing the vegetable patch when the garden gnome comes to life and starts chasing them round the garden.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda’s sat reading a magazine, Sabrina comes down the stairs as Zelda enters from the kitchen.

Zelda- Are Harvey and Valerie okay?

Sabrina- Yeah, they’re still astonished, it’s rather astonishing.

Another spell strikes and Sabrina starts to float three feet off the ground.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey!

Hilda- Oh no, those hayseeds are messing with gravity.

Sabrina- And yet they can’t get a job?

Zelda- Two can play with the elements, it’s tornado time.

Zelda holds out her hand and conjures a cylindrical glass jar with a raging vortex held within. She’s about to release it.

Hilda- Finally, we’ll see if Racine’s hair can move.

Sabrina- Stop, it’s gone too far.

Zelda makes the tornado in a jar vanish with a wave.

Sabrina- I’ll just give them back the magic book.

There’s still magic in the air as a little old lady appears floating beside Sabrina.

Great Grandma- I wish you wouldn’t.

Hilda and Zelda- (Together) Great granny!

Great Grandma- (To Sabrina) Do you mind if we get down from here? I had a big lunch.

She waggles her finger and they both float down to the ground.

Sabrina- Thank you, (to her aunts) and the ceiling needs painting.

Hilda- Great granny, This is our niece Sabrina.

Great Grandma- Oh well aren’t you just a dear. Why in creation are you looking at me like that?

Sabrina- I’m so sorry, it’s just... I thought you were dead.

Great Grandma- Is my make-up too pale?

Sabrina- No, you left us the magic book in your will.

Zelda- Oh Sabrina, we witches live so long that we go through several will’s just to thin out all the things we tend to accumulate.

Hilda- It’s our version of a garage sale.

Great Grandma- Couldn’t we sit down? It really was a large lunch.

Int. Spellman’s living room. Later.

Great Grandma- I’ve heard your side of the story, now I wonder what would be the right thing to do. Oh I know, hear the other side.

She reaches into her hand bag and pulls out a small bell. She rings it and the hill billy’s are summoned.

Great Grandma- (Cont. To Boyd) And make it snappy, I foolishly wore a girdle.

Boyd- It’s all their fault. They hog the magic book, then they bring us here to flaunt their riches.

Sabrina and her aunts get up to protest and a raging six way argument breaks out until great grandma puts her fingers to her lips and lets out an impressive and piercing whistle.

Great Grandma- Everybody stop your belly aching and Boyd, take off that ridiculous hat.

Racine- But granny!

Great Grandma- Oh Racine, I know you're unhappy but it was fair. Now Hilda and Zelda got the magic book and you got what you chose, all my money.

Sabrina- (To Hilda) Did they get all of great grandma’s money?

Hilda- Yep, and they bought a mansion and a Jet, and several butlers

Zelda- Don’t forget tiaras for Maw Maw.

Maw Maw preens

Hilda- And then all the money was gone.

Racine- We didn’t just spend it, we invested some of it.

Boyd- Yeah, who knew chihuahua racing wouldn’t take off.

Hilda- Ah everyone?

Sabrina- And I suppose there was no money left over for a car right?

Great Grandma- Racine, Boyd, your trouble is not the magic book. Stop blaming your circumstances. You’ve got obstacles, go around them.

Zelda taps Sabrina on the shoulder.

Sabrina- Yes I heard her.

Racine- I still don’t think it’s fair.

Maw Maw- And did you see all them towels that they’ve got up in there.

Great Grandma- All right! Now the next person who interrupts me is going straight to the corner.

Zelda- Yes that’s right, let great grandmother talk.

Great Grandma- Zelda! Corner!

Zelda floats off to the corner of the room to hover facing it.

Zelda- But I was just... Oh!

She throws her hands up and kicks her legs in frustration.

Great Grandma- Now get along, help each other. Oh and Racine, unseal this house.

Racine unhappily flicks her finger about with the sound of locks freeing all over the house.

Salem- Finally, I’m free!... I have no place to go.

Great grandma rings her bell once more and the cousins vanish back to the Other Realm.

Hilda- I think I’ll count the towels.

Int. Spellman living room, later. Harvey and Valerie come down stairs in a daze. Sabrina hands them their coats.

Sabrina- I’m sorry about the Aquarium.

Valerie- Oh who cares? We still got a look at that rug in your room.

Harvey opens the front door.

Harvey- Look! Clouds!

Valerie- Oooo!

The leave astonished. Sabrina closes the door and walks to the settee. Great grandma is still there.

Sabrina- Great granny will you come back and visit now that you're not dead?

Great Grandma- Well you should come and visit me, you’d love Florida... unless you burn like I do.

Zelda- (From the corner) May I please be excused?

Great Grandma- Not until you’ve thought about what I said. (To Hilda and Sabrina) I just wish I could remember what it was.

Int. Spellman living room. The following day. Hilda sat on the settee, Sabrina’s putting books in her school bag.

Sabrina- This time I’m not letting my grades suffer because I don’t have a car.

Roll Credits.

Hilda- Oh really?

Sabrina- Yep, we’re taking the bus to the aquarium. Don’t expect me back before dark.

Hilda- Fine.

Sabrina- And don’t expect me to be in a good mood because I hate the bus.

Hilda- Try being on the back of a burro with the rest of your husbands possessions hmm?

Sabrina- You haven’t ridden the bus lately have you?

She turns to leave

Sabrina- (Cont.) Any instructions aunt Zelda?

Zelda- Take a sweater.

Sabrina- Okay. Gotta go.

She leaves.

Zelda- (Shouting) GRANDMA!

Great Grandma- (OS) NOOOO!