Sabrina Unplugged

Written By - Jennifer Glickman
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Harvey - Nate Richert
Cole - Andrew Walker
Leonard - John Ducey
Annie - Diana-Marie Riva
James - Bumper Robinson
Clive - Steven M. Porter
Stan - J. P. Manoux
Tina - Christa Campbell
Plain Woman - Irene White

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina and Harvey checking out some photos of Sabrina that he’s taken on his new digital camera with the Photo-Tweex program on his laptop.

Harvey- I think we got some great shots here. You look pretty cute in this one.

Sabrina- Oh no, cute is exactly not what I’m going for. This is for my by-line picture. This photo has to make me look super-hip.

Harvey- Digital cameras are hi-tech, but they’re not magic.

Sabrina- Magic? You mean like this?

She pings him playfully on the end of his nose with a magic sparkle from her finger.

Harvey- (Rubbing his nose) Hey, I’m just trying to help. Maybe there’s something you could do to look more... you know, writerley.

Sabrina- Like what, smoke a pipe and grow a beard?

Morgan and Roxie enter from the front door arguing.

Morgan- I am telling you, he couldn’t keep his off of me.

Roxie- Fine, whatever!

Sabrina- Oh, well good morning. Look who’s finally home from the concert last night. So, who’re you fighting about? The guy selling glow-sticks of the guy saying ‘Please enter to the right’?

Morgan- The drummer, Clive Rexford. He looked directly at me and said ‘I want you. I need you’

Roxie- Those are the words to the song.

Sabrina- So what does Mister Morgan Cavanaugh look like?

Harvey- Yeah, is he hot? (On their looks) What? I’m just tryin’ to fit in.

He turns away a little embarrassed as Sabrina turns back to Morgan and waits for an answer.

Morgan- He’s gorgeous... I think

Roxie- We were in the really cheep seats so he looked like an ant, only with long hair and this gothic make up.

Sabrina- Huh, sorta like ‘Honey, I shrunk Marilyn Manson’?

Morgan- You know what? I’m gonna go send him an E-mail.

She goes off upstairs.

Roxie- (To Sabrina) Just watch. In five minutes she’ll ask for an English to British dictionary.

She gets up and goes to show Morgan how to use the letter ‘U’ and Sabrina turns her attention back to Harvey and his laptop.

Harvey- Come on, we’ve got to pick a photo.

He starts clicking through them for her.

Sabrina- Ooh, too dorky.

Harvey- How about this one?

Sabrina- Too Bjorky.

Harvey- This?

Sabrina- Ew, too Mickey Rourky. Forget it, I’ll just use the picture that traffic light took of me.

Run opening credits.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Sabrina enters and notices that there’s something not quit right. Everyone looks a little edgy and girls are standing round touching up their make up and hair. She makes her way over to Cole’s desk where he’s hanging with James.

Sabrina- Morning guys, What’s the chat?

Cole- Oh just the usual guy talk.

James- Yeah. Right now we’re just talking about what we’re looking for in a serious relationship.

Sabrina- Really?

Cole- Really. I’m looking for a woman with depth.

He looks at his desk and plays with the spikes of his hair.

Cole- (Cont.) A woman of substance.

He turns and starts wiggling his butt at his desk while James leans towards the monitor of Cole’s desk and speaks clearly.

James- I’m just looking for a woman who just wants to cuddle.

Sabrina- And I’m looking for an explanation for this bizarre behaviour?

She turns to Leonard.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, what’s with them?

Leonard- Oh, I, er set up web cams around the office. I’m going to edit the footage down and put a ‘Behind the scenes at Scorch’ feature on the website. My idea.

Sabrina- I see. Let the folks at home in on all the exciting typing and photocopying that goes on around here?

Leonard- I got lots of killer stuff already. I got twenty minutes o’ Cole stretching... not that I’m into that.

She turns and heads for her own desk.

Leonard- Hey, lick your lips a little bit. It’ll look better on camera.

She sees with horror that a web cam now adorns the top of her monitor. Meanwhile James has wondered over to look at Leonard’s monitor that is showing all the feeds.

Sabrina- There’s a camera on my desk too?

James- Yours, mine, everybody’s... and I-I would-I would get that mole on your neck looked at.

Sabrina- (Slapping her hand over the mole) That’s a beauty mark! I can’t work like this!

Int. Annie’s office. Annie’s tappity-tapping on her computer keyboard when with a knock Sabrina comes in.

Sabrina- Annie, I’m lodging an official complaint. It’s about these web cams that Leonard put on everyone’s desk. I don’t want the whole world watching my every move!

Annie- Don’t worry. Leonard promised to cut out all the boring stuff. I think you’re safe.

Sabrina- Well how am I supposed to do my best work if I’m worried about how I look?

Annie- Well if you’re not satisfied with your appearance, change it.

Sabrina- Okay, well if you’re not gonna do something, then I’m gonna protest.

She picks up the tiny web cam from Annie’s desk and looks into the lens.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(To Camera) Scorch Magazine has no right to broadcast my image without my consent and this woman...

She turns the camera onto Annie for a moment then back onto herself.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...is violating my privacy.

Annie- You’re shouting into my lip gloss.

Sabrina- Oh.

She examines what she thought was a web cam.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Very Berry. It’s nice.

She puts it down and sidles out of the office feeling pretty dumb.

Int. Eve’s Diner. Sabrina sits in a booth with Roxie and Morgan. The place is very busy and she raises her arm to try to get Stan, the waiters, attention when he passes.

Sabrina- Hello!

He ignores her.

Sabrina- (To Roxie and Morgan) Anyway, you would not believe how everyone around the office has been playing with these web cams. I, for one, am not gonna change myself for a bunch of stupid little cameras. You know, I’m a writer, not a model!

She spots the waiter by the counter and raises her hand again.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Excuse me!

He ignores her and goes to another table.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh my fault. The waiter outfit fooled me!

Roxie- Our society as such unreasonable standards for female beauty.

Morgan- You’re just saying that because you’re short.

Roxie- I’m petite! And I happen to be very comfortable with it. Excuse me, I have to go to the restroom.

She gets up, straightens her skirt and totters off towards the restroom in her four inch platform soled boots while Sabrina makes another attempt to get some service.

Sabrina- Hey, excuse me! Hi! Er, would it help if I was drowning?

Failed again. Morgan cell phone beeps.

Morgan- Oh, I’ve got a text message. (Reading) It’s from Clive, that cute drummer. He’s asking me out!

Sabrina- Someone you’ve never met before just E-mailed you for a date?

Morgan- I know. I don’t like this whole hi-tech dating thing either. I mean, call me old fashioned, but what happened to romance? What happened to courtship? What happened to pitching woo?

Sabrina- Ooh! I think he was traded to The Yankees.

Cole enters with his lady friend and, unlike the waiter, has no trouble spotting Sabrina.

Cole- Hi Sabrina, Morgan.

Morgan- Hey.

Sabrina- Hi.

Cole- This is Tina.

And that’s saying a lot. Tina’s a long legged, busty brunet wearing an outfit two sizes too small that shows plenty of cleavage and midriff.

Sabrina- A word of warning. The service here is really slow.

Stan appears almost magically at Tina’s elbow.

Stan- I’m sorry miss. Er, would you like a table? A menu?

Tina- Just a cup of coffee to go.

Sabrina- Er, can I get a glass of water?

Stan- (To Tina) I’ll grind the beans myself.

He goes off to the counter completely ignoring Sabrina. Tina follows after him.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Or anything heavy to throw at you!

Morgan- Is er Tina your girlfriend?

Cole- Er no, just hangin’ out.

Sabrina- Oh yeah, well you said you were looking for a woman of substance. I guess that substance is saline.

Morgan and Sabrina giggle.

Cole- Do you have a problem with my date?

Sabrina- Oh no-no-no. I’m sure you find her very easy on the eyes. Even easier on the brain.

Cole- Me-ow! Where’s that waiter with your saucer of milk?

Tina returns with her coffee to go.

Tina- (To Cole) I’m all set. (To Sabrina and Morgan) Nice to meet you.

Cole- Usually.

They leave.

Sabrina- (To Morgan) Can you believe that guy?

Morgan- That was a guy?

She looks round and watches Tina wiggle her butt out the door.

Morgan- (Cont.) Wow! Very convincing.

Sabrina looks to the heavens as Roxie returns from the lavatory.

Roxie- The weirdest thing. I asked that drummer, Clive, to be on my radio show and he just called back and asked me out. I’m really sorry, Morgan. It looks like destiny has spoken.

Morgan- Well guess what? Clive asked me out too. It looks like destiny has call waiting.

Roxie- He what?!

Morgan- Yeah, and he called me first so...

Roxie- Well you know what? I’m gonna find...

Morgan- ...I’m gonna...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Jan! Marsha! Time out! Why don’t you guys both go out with the cute boy and see who he likes better?

Morgan- Well, okay... but I’m Marsha!

Sabrina almost leaps out of the booth to intercept the waiter as he walks by.

Sabrina- Hey! Hey, y’know what? I have been trying to get your attention for twenty minutes!

Stan- I’m sorry. Er here.

He rips off a bill from his book and hands it to Sabrina.

Stan- (Cont.) Pay the cashier.

He turns and walks away.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Well just for that, I am not... (Looks at the bill) ...gonna have a nice day!

Int. Scorch Magazine. Sabrina sits at her desk trying to come up with something for to write for the magazine.

Sabrina- (To herself) A story? A story about what’s hot?

She picks up her pencil and studies it thoughtfully.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I wonder why the number one never caught on?

Annie comes from her office and doesn’t look happy as she waves the latest copy in a girl writers face..

Annie- You call yourself a fashion writer! Peasant blouses are out!

Sabrina self-consciously looks down at the peasant blouse she’s wearing.

Annie- (Cont.) The only people wearing peasant blouses are actual peasants!

Sabrina slips from her desk and makes her way to the kitchen area. She checks that she’s alone by the water cooler and with a little zap, swaps her peasant blouse for a tank top.

Sabrina- Ooh, Stella McCartney, eat your heart out... Wait, I’m a writer, not a model.

She quickly zaps her peasant blouse back on and heads back to her desk. She runs into Leonard on the way.

Leonard- Hey Sabrina, You’ve gotta come and see this. I’ve got some great footage at lunch of James tweezing his eyebrows.

Sabrina- Wow! And this is a free website?

Leonard- And to think, I almost didn’t put a camera by that water cooler.

She watches him go back to his desk with a look of dawning horror.

Sabrina- Water cooler?!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem sits on the counter and watches a familiar and comforting sight. Sabrina, frantically searching through the magic book.

Sabrina- They caught me doing magic! Do you realise what this means?

Salem- I don’t know. Six more weeks of winter?

Sabrina- I have to get rid of the evidence. Grrr! This stupid spell book hasn’t caught up with technology. The best it can do is exorcise a demon infested Atari.

She puts the book back in it’s hiding place inside the secret cabinet behind the painting of Louisa.

Salem- So fix it the old fashioned way. Have sabre-wielding assassins storm the office and hack up the computers.

Sabrina- Oh, that’s it! I’ll just hack into Leonard’s computer and edit it out. Thanks Salem.

She strokes the top of his head sending shivers of delight through his body.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Y’know, just for that, from now on, I’m going to check underneath my car before I back out of the driveway.

She leaves by the back door.

Int. Spellman living room. Roxie and Morgan sit facing each other. Roxie scowls while Morgan touches up her lip gloss. The doorbell rings and they both leap to their feet.

Roxie- (Excited) It’s Clive!...(Cool) I mean, was that the doorbell?

They both walk to the door and put on their prettiest smiles before Morgan opens it. Their smiles are matched by the grey haired, balding, overweight guy whose there. He speaks with an English accent that Dick Van Dyke would have been proud of.

Clive- Hi! I’m Clive Rexford.

Morgan looks round for someone behind him but he’s all alone.

Morgan- Did something happen to Clive junior?

Clive- Oh no-no. He and the little munchkins are doin’ just great. I’ve got photos.

He lets himself in and routes into his back pocket for his wallet.

Roxie- Wait. You’re the drummer from Spinster Embryo, Clive Rexford?

Clive- That’s what it says on me meds.

Roxie- You look different up close, without your make up and, apparently, your... wig!

Clive- So girls, shall we go grab a bite?

Morgan- (To Roxie) You go ahead.

But Roxie makes sure her friend doesn’t get out of it too easily. She grabs Morgan’s arm.

Roxie- I-I don’t know. I have a lot of... hair to wash.

Clive- I made dinner reservations for three. Don’t bail on me.

He has a nice line in puppy dog eyes looks.

Roxie- ...Okay.

Morgan- ...All-all right.

Clive- Brilliant! Now we gotta scurry because this coupon’s only good till seven.

Int. Scorch Magazine. All is in darkness as Sabrina lets herself in and makes directly for Leonard’s desk, turning the web cam there away to ensure no one sees her.

Sabrina- Okay, let’s see.

The screen flashes up with a box saying ‘Please enter password’

Sabrina- (Cont.) If I was Leonard’s computer, what would my password be? Enterprise?... Mmm, Lovemiester?...

She has a horrible thought.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Sabrina?

That’s not it either much to Sabrina relief.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Phew! Well I guess I’m going to have to go in and get it out manually.

She points at herself and dissolves into a bunch of Sabrina shaped sparkles that slide into Leonard’s flat screen.

Int. Leonard’s computer screen. A group of exceptionally well put together pixels walk passed the trash bin and looks up at the assortment of files. First, she takes a peek in the games folder and gets a zap on the neck before she quickly closes it again.

Sabrina- (Rubbing her neck) Aw! Oh, so much for that beauty mark.

The next folder she looks into is excitingly labelled ‘Boring Tax Documents’ She looks through the pictures that it contains they are all of feet. Women’s feet... except for...

Sabrina- I understand the foot thing, it’s the hoof that worries me.

She puts the pictures back.

Sabrina- Oh, here it is. Web Cam.

She reaches into the Web Cam folder and pulls out a videocassette and reads the label.

Sabrina- Hah! Water cooler.

Pleased with her work she drops the cassette into the trash bin.

Shaggy- Zoiks!

Sabrina looks up with surprise and walks over to join Shaggy and Scoody-doo.

Sabrina- Shaggy?

Shaggy- Um, like, at your service, and Scoody-Doo.

Scooby- Scooby-dooby-doooo!

Sabrina- What are you guys doing here?

Int. Scorch Magazine. The cleaner pushes the industrial polisher round the floor with a set of radio headphones on and therefore doesn’t overhear the conversation going on in the computer screen beside him.

Shaggy- Screensaver.

Int. Leonard’s computer screen.

Shaggy- (Cont.) Hey, can you do me a favour? Can’t you get us off this computer? Even Scoob’s embarrassed to be on this dudes PC.

Sabrina- Sorry, I don’t do windows.

Int. Scorch Magazine. The cleaners polisher accidentally snags the computer lead and pulls the plug to Leonard’s computer. The cleaner doesn’t notice as he sings along to his radio.

Int. Leonard’s Computer screen. Scooby jumps into Shaggy’s arms as everything goes dim.

Sabrina- What’s happening?

Shaggy- We’re, like, shut down for the night.

Sabrina- But I don’t belong here! I’ve gotta get out!

She runs up to the glass and does a very good mime impersonation as she bangs on the inside of the screen.

Sabrina- Nooooo!

She bangs her head against the screen in helpless frustration.

Int. Scorch Magazine, the next morning. Leonard enters, walks to his desk and turns on his computer. Photo-Tweek is up and running and Sabrina, who has been up all night is pacing back on forth, suddenly realises the Computer is back on and freezes in a pose.

Leonard- Well, whaddya know. Hey James, check this out.

James comes over for a look see.

Leonard- (Sing song) Somebody’s got a crush on me.

James- Yeah, but why would that big, hairy dude from shipping send you a picture of Sabrina?

Leonard gives James a look and Sabrina tries to sneak off the screen but Leonard turns back so she has to freeze again.

Leonard- I’ve got to say that Sabrina is pretty cute.

James- Really? Well let’s see if you thinks she’s cute if she looked like old Zeke, the prospector.

He leans over and grabs the mouse. He clicks on ‘add changes’ and then drags and drops a Dick Dastardly type moustache onto her.

Leonard- No, I like Sabrina just the way she is.

He clicks the Undo icon. Sabrina can’t help herself being pleased at this comment and smiles up at Leonard.

Leonard- Though, it never hurts to have a couple of Shoshones!

He grabs the mouse and proves he is well practiced in tweeking Photos as an enlarge here, a tuck there and maybe a change of wardrobe leaves little of the just the way she is. A skin tight, painted on, very short red dress displays Sabrina’s brand new large bosom with it’s precipitous cleavage by it’s low cut halter top. The trim waist flairs out to wide hips and a pert and rounded derrière. Her legs are made to look longer and curvier by matching red, high healed stiletto shoes. Her hair remains blonde but is now BIG! And with the extra long eyelashes and lip gloss it finishes the over-the-top glamour model look. She is not happy with this new look but she should be. The little red dress may not be very modest but at least the boys didn’t go for the fake nude look.

James- (Impressed) Hey,

Leonard- Oh-ho-ho-ho yeah!

Annie- Hello!

The boys both jump and Leonard quickly grabs a file folder to flick through to pretend to be busy.

Annie- (Cont.) We are supposed to be having an editorial meeting in my office guys! Let’s go!

James- All right

She heads back to her office and James and Leonard follow. Alone, at last, Sabrina is able to relax her fixed pose and her smile. Once they’re all gone, she points at herself in swirling sparkles she comes from the screen to stand perched on her high heals beside Leonard’s desk and looks down at herself.

Sabrina- Oops!

She points at herself intending to turn herself back to just the way she was but the jet of sparkles just bounces off her rock solid hair with no effect.

Sabrina- Oh no. Oh please tell me this is just really strong hairspray.

She tries to tug the brief hem of her dress down a little... or the top up a little but to no avail. The dress, like her hair, is pretty much fixed in place. Annie sticks her head out of her office.

Annie- Sabrina!

Sabrina ducks down behind Leonard’s desk and grabs a file folder to cover her heaving bosom.

Sabrina- Yeah?

Annie- We’re about to start the meeting!

Sabrina- Oh, okay. Oh, I dropped my pencil!

She gets down onto her hands and knees.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Yeah, It’s rolling

She starts scurrying towards her desk.

Sabrina- (Cont.) It’s still rolling.

She reaches her desk and grabs her handbag. Then still on hands and knees heads towards the door.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Still rolling!

She stops when she’s confronted by a pair of feet. She fallows the legs up to the hips that have fists planted firmly on them.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, while I’m down here, do you want a pedicure?

Her eyes continue upwards until they reach Annie’s unsmiling face. Self consciously, she gets to her feet. It’s as well she’s so petite otherwise she’d have taken one of Annie’s eyes out with those Shoshones.

Annie- Okay, I know I suggested you change your appearance but I’m not sure the Pamela Anderson look is the image you want.

Sabrina- Oh, these aren’t mine. I’m er... carrying them for a friend.

While Annie stands confused, Sabrina makes her escape. Running in high heals and a tight skirt cannot really be described as running. More of a wiggly-jiggly, hurried tiptoe but she makes it through the door and wiggly-jiggles right into Cole.

Cole- Sabrina!

He eyes her up and down, but only gets so far on the up.

Cole- (Cont.) What happened to you? You’ve got such big... (Forcing his eyes upwards) hair!

Sabrina- Yeah, it’s a new shampoo. Er, they say it adds body.

Cole- And they’re not lying.

Sabrina- Yeah. Maybe I shouldn’t rinse and repeat? Gotta go.

She wiggles and jiggles off towards home drawing the eyes of every male she passes along the way.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem watches while Sabrina stands in front of her full length mirror and tries to put a brush through her hair. There’s a clunk-clunk as she has no success. Next, she gives her cleavage a zap in the hope of a reduced cup size. Still nothing.

Sabrina- (Frustrated) Urr! Darn it!

Salem- If you’re here, who co-hosting the country music awards?

The bedroom door opens and Roxie and Morgan barrel in unannounced.

Roxie- Sabrina, can we?... Wow! What’s up with this getup?

Sabrina- Oh... well... er, Roxie, I would expect you of all people to know. I have adopted this outrageous look to make a statement about societies unreasonable expectations of female beauty.

Morgan- Oh, (To Roxie) She’s telling women to be prettier.

Roxie- No, Morgan, it’s a feminist protest! (To Sabrina) Way to go sister. Burn your bra.

Sabrina looks down at her huge bust.

Sabrina- Yeah, well if I did, you could see the smoke in Baltimore.

Morgan- Sabrina, how did you do all of this?

Sabrina- Er mostly wire hangers and Styrofoam peanuts. (Quickly changing the subject) So how was the date with the drummer?

Morgan- Well, Clive was old enough to be my grandfather and short enough to by Roxie’s grandfather but he turned out to be a really nice guy.

Roxie- We had lots of fun, and he gave us free preview copies of his solo CD.

Morgan- Yes, it’s nothing but drumming. It’s called ‘Badum-Bum Tshh’

Roxie- Anyway, Clive has this amazing background and we thought he’d be a great subject for Scorch.

Sabrina- I don’t know, guys.

The phone rings.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I don’t know too many people who are interested in a story about a wrinkly old drummer who’s gone solo.

She answers the phone.

Sabrina- (On phone) Hello?

Annie- Where the hell did that pencil roll, Pekibze?

Sabrina- Oh, I’m sorry to disappear like that but I am hot on the trail of a great story about... an old drummer... I’ll be in later.

She puts the phone down and turns to the delighted Roxie.

Sabrina- (Cont.) If I dig myself any deeper, I’ll hit rice!

Roxie- You weren’t lying! We already told Clive to meet us at the diner, so you really can write that story.

Sabrina- Guys, I-I really don’t feel like going out like this.

Morgan- Are you kidding? If I had a figure like that I’d wanna show it off! Heck, I’d be married to an eighty-year-old billionaire by now.

Roxie- We are only going to the diner and, frankly, I don’t think they’re gonna get the political statement you’re making.

Sabrina- Okay. Well I’ll just change my clothes.

With a nod, Roxie and Morgan head for the door while Sabrina searches around on her dress for some form of zipper or hooks or anyway at all to get out of the darned thing. There isn’t any and she finally looks up to find her friends both watching her with frowns.

Roxie- Is there something wrong, Sabrina?

Sabrina- No-no-no-no-no-no! No, Roxie! I cannot give in and not make this statement! That’s just what the man wants. Let’s go.

The leave.

Salem- Oh she’s got what the man wants.

Int. Eve’s Diner. The place is full as Roxie, Morgan and Busty Barbie enter. Every male eye in the place swivels round towards her and focuses in as she stands beside the ‘Please wait to be seated’ sign..

Morgan- I don’t see Clive. He must be on his way.

Sabrina- (Sarcastic) Great! Stan’s working. I hope you’re not in a hurry to get served.

Suddenly Stan, the waiter, is by her shoulder.

Stan- Good afternoon Miss. Let me get you a table right away.

Sabrina looks with surprise at her friends while Stan makes a beeline top the nearest table where a couple are only part way through their meal.

Stan- (Taking their plates) All right, come on! You guys are done. Let’s go.

He hustles them out of the booth and wipes the table.

Stan- (Cont.) Hop to! Hop to! The mayo on your tuna is starting to turn.

Once it’s clear he invites Sabrina and her friends to be seated.

Stan- (Cont.) Ladies. So, something to start?

Sabrina- Er three lemonades please.

Stan- I’ll squeeze ‘em myself.

He goes to get her order.

Sabrina- Wow! What got into him?

Roxie- What got into him is what got into you. I don’t think he’s getting the irony of your outfit.

Sabrina- Well, on the up side, he’s getting our order, and fast.

He arrives back with the tray of drinks.

Stan- Okay, here we go.

Sabrina- Oh, we didn’t order lattes.

Stan- No, these were sent over. One from the gentleman at the counter. Another from guy by the window and another from the woman in the hard hat.

They look over and the girl in the construction workers gear winks and raises her glass.

Morgan- (Reaching for a latte) Cool!

Stan- Ah-ah-ah! They’re for the blonde.

He stops her taking one before heading to the counter.

Morgan- (Calling after) For your information, I am a blonde in here!

She taps her head and takes her latte.

Roxie- (To Sabrina) You do realise that the only reason you’re getting all this free stuff is because of the way you look?

Sabrina- I know. It’s an outrage.

She lifts her own latte to her pouting, smiling lips and winks seductively at either the gentleman at the counter or the woman in the hard hat, it’s not clear which.

Roxie- What are you doing?

Sabrina- Oh, er, exploiting um gender politics to... get a free muffin.

Clive enters and Morgan, who’s facing the door, waves him over.

Clive- Sorry I’m late ladies but at the last minute I realised that I had something in my teeth, so I had to go back and get the other set.

Roxie and Morgan laugh as Sabrina takes her notepad and pencil from her purse.

Clive- (Cont.) Now, where’s that writer?

Roxie- (Indicating Sabrina) This is her, Sabrina Spellman.

Clive- No-no-no. I meant the journalist who’s gonna write that story on me?

Sabrina- Oh, that’d be me. So why don’t we start with a little background information?

Clive- Fine, Goldilocks. I was born in London, (Condescending) that’s a big-big city in England.

Sabrina- Yeah, I know where London is. I’ve been there.

Clive- Really? What, were they opening a Trafalgar Square branch of Hooters?

Sabrina- (Annoyed) Look, I’m treating you like a professional, I expect you to treat me like a professional!

Clive- Oh, you’re a professional. Well, that explains the dress.

Sabrina- (Angry) That’s it! (Leaping to her feet) You are way out of line, buddy!

Roxie- I’m really sorry, Sabrina. We had no idea he’d be so obnoxious!

Morgan- I don’t know. Everything sounds so cute with that accent.

Cole enters with his paramour, Tina, unseen by Sabrina.

Sabrina- Okay, just because I have a great body, doesn’t mean I also don’t have a great brain. I mean, look at this woman...

She goes over to the counter where a rather plain, spectacled young woman looks pleased to suddenly be the centre of attention in the diner and compared to the beautiful blonde.

Sabrina- (Cont.) It isn’t fair that she’s ignored just because she isn’t glamorous and her hair is limp and lifeless and sure she could use a little concealer and some control top pantyhose wouldn’t hurt.

Plain Woman- (On the verge of tears) For the love of God, Stop!

Sabrina- I’m so sorry, but you’ve gotta let me finish. Just because this woman isn’t gorgeous doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a lot to offer! I mean, we have to stop judging others by what they look like on the surface! It’s what’s underneath that matters, not what’s... neath!

She gets a round of applause from the diner patrons.

Clive- I like you. When you’re angry, you jiggle.

He leaves and Sabrina can only stand and watch in mute jiggle... I mean anger. Cole comes over.

Cole- Nice speech. Strident with just a touch of hypocrisy.

Sabrina- You’re right. I owe you an apology. I shouldn’t have assumed you were just dating Tina because she’s gorgeous. She probably challenges you intellectually as well.

Tina- Look at that sign!

She points to a clock on the wall with ‘Eve’s Diner’ emblazoned around it.

Tina- (Cont.) They’ve spelled dinner with one ‘N’

Sabrina- But, sometimes, if a books cover says ‘An idiots guide for dummies’ you’ve got to take it at face value.

She slips past him and heads for the door with an outrageous sway to her hips. Cole watches her, along with everyone else, including the woman in the hard hat, until she’s out of sight.

Cole- (Under his breath) Man, I’ve got to get the name of that shampoo!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem is lay on Sabrina’s bed watching her as she struggles, once again, in front of her full length mirror.

Sabrina- Okay, I’ve had enough of this Jessica Rabbit impersonation. I’m ready to get back to my old self. I just wish I knew how!

Salem- Well Harvey knows his way around a computer. He could put you back the way you were, but allow me to point out; you look mighty mighty!

Sabrina ignores his last comment but jumps onto his first. She points and Harvey’s suddenly there in her bedroom. It’s quit a surprise to him as was in the middle of an ice hockey match a second previously. He turns round and takes in the vision of male fantasy that is...

Harvey- Sabrina!

He lifts up the visor on his helmet, which is rapidly steaming up, to get a better look.

Harvey- (Cont.) You’re...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Yes, I know. Might mighty. Look, I can’t stand looking like this for another day and you, obviously, have a hockey game to get back to.

Harvey- Nah, they wont miss me. There was a fight going on.

Sabrina- Oh, so you were hiding in the penalty box?

Harvey- (Sheepish) They hit so hard. Anyway, you’re the one with the magic powers. How am I supposed to help you?

She points at the large footlocker by her bed and zaps in Harvey’s laptop computer.

Sabrina- Okay. I’m going to go inside your computer and you can use Photo-Tweek to get me back to normal.

Harvey slowly lets his eyes flow up and down Sabrina’s excessive charms.

Harvey- Are you positive?

Salem- This is what I’m saying.

She’s positive and she proves it by pointing at herself and dissolving into a cascade of sparkles that swirl into the computer screen. Harvey strips of his gloves, sits on the end of her bed and puts his fingers to the keyboard.

Harvey- Okay, here goes.

Sabrina- (OS) Listen, Harvey. As long as I’m in here, I miss the beauty mark. Can you put it back?

He gets to work.

Int. Scorch Magazine, Annie’s office. Annie has dragged Leonard in for a dressing down and closes the door.

Leonard- But you don’t understand...

Annie- (Interrupting) No I don’t! Why did you put cameras in the men’s room? You’re just lucky we’re not getting hit with a law suit! I want all web cams disconnected immediately, and... I want that limerick about me erased off the wall!

Leonard- Fine, I’ll get rid of the web cams, but, someday; you will be slack jawed on awe of my genius!

He goes to leave.

Annie- (After five seconds.) Pull!

Leonard- (Opening the door.) Thank you.

He pulls on the door and hits himself on the nose with it before leaving just as Sabrina, back to her more modest proportions and looks. Harvey, unlike Leonard, really does like Sabrina just the way she is... er was.

Annie- What do you want?

Sabrina- I’m sure you’re probably wondering why I looked so outrageous yesterday. Well actually, I was working on a story... about body image.

Annie- Well I just assumed you were trying to draw attention away from your writing.

Sabrina- The point is, I’m back with my peasant blouses and sensibly shoes. This is the way I look and you’re just going to have to deal with it.

Annie- You were the one having a hard time! First the cameras are freaking you out then you got all Dolly Partoned up in here and now you’ve got this bizarre tattoo going on!

She points at Sabrina’s arm and it’s at an akward angle for Sabrina to see it, but with an effort, she can make out the ‘http://www.’ That Photo-Tweek has left on her.

Sabrina- Oh well... You know the peer pressure at computer camp.

Annie- Believe me, working in the music industry I have seen far-far stranger things. Now, where is this drummer article that you’re so hot about?

Sabrina- Oh... Oh, I dropped my pencil!

She bends down a shuffles out the door.

Sabrina- (OS)(Cont.) Oh, it’s still rolling!

Annie closes her eyes and thinks calming thoughts.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Still rolling!

Later. Sabrina is sitting on one of the stools at the table in the kitchen area with a coffee beside her as she works on her article. Leonard comes over and sits opposite.

Leonard- Nice shoes. Are those Prada?

Sabrina- Oh, they’re knock-offs. Frada.

Leonard- Wedgey style really shows off your arches... and the strap hugs the curve of your instep. Has anyone ever told you you have stunning toe cleavage?

Sabrina- No... but thanks.

She turns back to her work and there’s a flash as Leonard casually looks away. Two more clicks accompanied by flashes go off before Sabrina realises what Leonard’s up to and remembers the ‘Boring Tax Documents’ file on his computer.

Sabrina- Leonard! Give that over!

She jumps to her feet but Leonard’s off like a rabbit with his camera in hand. Sabrina hot on his heals.

Run credits.