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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Call Me Crazy

Written By - Trish Baker
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Harvey - Nate Richert
Cole - Andrew Walker
Leonard - John Ducey
Annie - Diana-Marie Riva
James - Bumper Robinson
Ashanti - Ashanti
Counter Guy - J. P. Manoux
Bouncer - Amon Standifer

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is lay on the table watching Sabrina ironing.

Salem- What’s with all the ironing?

Sabrina- I’m the office newby, I can’t go to work all wrinkly.

Salem- But that doesn’t keep Barbara Walters mug of The View.

Sabrina sprays Salem with the water spray.

Salem- Eh! You’re a witch. Why not get rid of wrinkles in some witchy way?

Sabrina- Okay, how many times do I have to remind you. Roxie and Morgan live here now? So that means no magic, no going through the magic portal to the Other Realm and, no matter how late I’m running, no reversing the rotation of the earth.

Salem- Well, since you’re getting all domestic with small, hot irons, how about you make me a waffle?

Sabrina points.

Salem, the cat shaped waffle- Very funny.

Sabrina- Hey, you’re the one who’s always making eyes at Mrs. Butterworth.

Salem, the cat shaped waffle- <Sob! Sob! Sob!>

Run opening credits.

Int. Scorch Magazine. The wrinkle free Sabrina sits at her desk with her latest masterpiece in hand and complains to Leonard.

Sabrina- I can’t believe I worked all day on this article and Annie red-pencilled every line.

Leonard- Yeah, she can be pretty vicious with that red pencil. This morning, she took issue with my new shirt.

She unbuttons his shirt and shows her the plain, white T-shirt beneath that sports a large red X.

Sabrina- I don’t suppose you have any X-men underwear to match?

Leonard- I’m not gonna take them out of their package; they’ll lose their value.

He wanders off to join Cole and James as Annie comes from her office with instructions for them.

Annie- Guys, after work I want you to go and check out this club. Ashanti’s doing a gig at the civic centre and she may show up there. Er James, try to see if you can get some pictures and Cole, try and grab her for some questions.

Cole- Will do.

Annie- And none of them should be ‘Are you free later?’

Cole- (Indignant) Hey, J-Lo grabbed my butt.

James- Don’t worry, Annie, Leonard and I will keep an eye on him.

Sabrina- (Diving in) Oh, and I’ll keep an eye on all three of ‘em. (On the guys look) What? It’s a work thing and I’d like to go too.

James- No offence, but do you even know who Ashanti is?

Sabrina- She had the number one album and the number one single at the same time. She’s rising faster than Britney Spears, who, by the way, gave me private dance lessons in Paris.

They all look at her as she gets a little lost in reminiscence.

Leonard- What?

Sabrina- (Snapping back to the present) Long story. Um, so er, where’s this club and what time are we meeting?

The guys look at each other and come to silent agreement. Cole checks the note that Annie has given him.

Cole- Okay. It’s on the docks. Meet us at pier thirty-eight at nine o’clock.

Sabrina- On the docks, cool! We aren’t gonna be throwing tea in the harbour, too, are we? Ha-ha.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes up to find it a hive of industry. Cardboard boxes are piled everywhere and Morgan and Roxie are sorting through their contents while Harvey empties out the closets. That is the closets that aren’t portals to other realms.

Sabrina- Hi guys. Hi Harvey.

Morgan- Hi.

Roxie- Sabrina, great, we need you help.

Sabrina- Oh I’m sorry; I’m in a rush. I’m so excited; I’m going out with my co-workers for the first time, but what’s going on here?

Harvey- Well, I’ll tell you what’s not going on. A surprise birthday party for me! And that is the third and final time I fall for that one.

Morgan- Sabrina, we said that we were going to spend tonight cleaning out the closets and getting rid of junk... and by that, I mean Roxie’s clothes.

Roxie- If we dumped half your makeup, we’d have room for an ice skating rink.

Sabrina- I’m sorry. Look, I promise I’ll help tomorrow. I’ve gotta go and change.

Morgan- We’re running out of closet space. How come no one uses this one?

She walks over to the magic closet.

Harvey- No!

Sabrina manages to get there first and blocks Morgan.

Sabrina- We can’t go in there!

Roxie- Why not?

And right on cue the sound of thunder echoes from behind the door and Lighting flickers round the door jam.

Morgan- Oh my God, I know what’s going on. You have a tanning bed in there!

Sabrina- No-no-no-no! It’s er bug zapper.

It flashes again.

Sabrina- Oh! Wow! That must have been a horse fly. Oh no, forget about this closet. Um oh I need a cool outfit to wear to the club tonight. Do you think you could lend me one of your creations?

Way to distract miss short attention span.

Ext. Pier thirty-eight, the docks. The place looks very seedy. Sabrina walks with the boys, her colourful, slinky, tight fitting, pencil skirt dress a startling counterpoint to the guys uniform, gothic black ensembles.

Sabrina- Nice neighbourhood. So, how do we find this club? Do we just follow the chalk outlines?

Cole- Break out of your cosy, little world. You can’t live your life in a bubble.

Sabrina- Sure you can. My bubble has a very low crime rate.

James- Hey, here’s the green light bulb.

Leonard- That’ll be the club.

There a large bouncer on duty and the guys lead the way up to him.

Cole- Hey man, we’re from Scorch Magazine.

Bouncer- Go on in.

Leonard- Thanks.

The three guys lead the way into the club but the bouncer stops Sabrina.

Bouncer- Hold it, Mary Kate. You can’t come in here wearing that.

Sabrina- Who are you calling Mary Kate? The only twins I see around here are your chins.

Two people come past, dressed in black and get the nod from the bounce. They enter.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey! Hey, you just let them in and she had plastic banana bits in her hair.

Bouncer- It reminds me of my brother.

James, Leonard and Cole come back out to see what’s keeping her.

Cole- Is there a problem?

Sabrina- No-no, no problem. I know how this works. You want a tip.

She looks in her handbag and realises she hasn’t brought her purse. She looks up at the bouncer with an ingenious smile.

Sabrina- Okay, well I got a tip for ya. Get out o’ town. Ha-ha.

The bounce doesn’t see the funny side.

Cole- (To James and Leonard) Okay look, if all of us can’t get in then none of us should go in. I mean, forget about Ashanti, all right? It’s just one of Annie’s rumours.

James- That is true. One time Little Bow-Wow was supposed to be in hospital. It turned out his shiatsu was getting spayed.

They all turn away from the club.

Sabrina- Thanks guys.

Leonard- The next time we go out, I’ll help you with your look. It seems they’re into a little something called Goth. Vampires, gargoyles, hepatitis C.

Sabrina- Oh please, my people invented Goth.

James- What did you say?

Sabrina- (Realising) Broth! Er I said my people invented broth. Yeah, before us everybody just ate dried chicken and vegetables. Hey, I know a place open all night, no cover and an awesome DJ who plays exactly what you wanna hear,

Int. Eve’s Diner. A retro, fifties style diner with counter and booths. Sabrina, along with Leonard, James and Cole fit, conveniently, into a four seat booth with the table littered with the remains of supper..

Sabrina- Okay, E-Seven comin’ up.

She presses the relevant buttons on the Wurlitzer jukebox control that’s part of the booth as Cole continues his tale.

Cole- Okay, look.

Leonard- Come on, come on.

Cole- So the police let me out of jail just in time to dance in the carnival parade, but I kept my clothes on… I’m not saying my date did.

James and Leonard laugh.

Cole- (To Sabrina) You see, in Brazil during carnival, everyone dances in the streets naked.

Sabrina- (Interrupting) I know what happens during carnival. I mean, thank God for laser hair removal, right?

James- You’ve been to South America?

Sabrina- Sort of... (On their looks) Well it was Epcot, but they stamped my passport!

James- Ah, you’ve never been to South Ame... That reminds me of the time I was on a float with the king and queen of Mardi Gra... Actually, it was the same dude.

Leonard- New Orleans has the best food! They have a Philly cheese-steak there that’s even better than you get in Chicago.

Cole- (To Sabrina) Don’t worry. The great thing about a job like this is it gets you out into the world. Which would do you a lot of good.

The guys laugh and the condescending manner begins to grate on Sabrina.

Sabrina- Okay guys. Y’know, maybe I’ve not been to Brazil to been thrown in jail naked, but I have been to plenty of places and done lots of stuff!

Cole- I’m sure you have.

He shares an amused smile with the other guys.

Cole- (Cont.) But we’re talking about, y’know, jumping out of planes type stuff.

James- Yeah, I’m sure you’re adventurous in your own way. We mean, like, runnin’ with the bulls. (To Cole) Remember in Chicago, I got all the way to half court before security busted me?

Cole- I remember that, man.

They laugh at the memory.

Leonard- You see, we are men of experience. We live life on the edge. I could tell you stories that’d make your hair curl.

Their macho condescension is really getting to Sabrina.

Leonard- (Cont.) Like eating unwashed fruit... in Mexico.

James- That’s crazy, man.

Cole- You’re crazy.

Sabrina- For your information, I have seen the inside of volcanoes in Hawaii, I’ve been to the top of Mount Everest and I’ve even ridden the roller coaster on the rings of Saturn.

There’s a pregnant pause before Cole gives birth to…

Cole- Excuse me?

Sabrina- Er, the-the rings of Saturn. You know, the amusement park, in Florida? Near Bible Land? (On their expressions) Okay, how about another song?

She turns her attention to the jukebox.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Er, Patsy Kline: Crazy? No. Um, Still crazy after all these...? No! Okay, Er how about we just talk? Y’know, guy talk?

The guys look at each other with raised eyebrows.

Sabrina- (Cont.) So, er, that Anna Kournikova, I mean, she is Hot!

All three guys nod their heads in agreement and if anything look at Sabrina even more oddly.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina enters from her night out with the boys to find Morgan and Roxie still in clear out mode. They are now working in the downstairs closet by the stairs.

Sabrina- Hi you guys.

Roxie- Hi.

Morgan- Hi.

Sabrina- Hey, have you guys ever blurted something out under pressure that’d make everyone think you’re weird?

Roxie- Weird how? Creepy, scary, sixth sense weird or freakish, odd, Lisa’s husband weird?

Sabrina- say like, backwards, white jacket weird.

Roxie- Ooh, that reminds me, gotta call mom. (Checking her watch) Lockdowns in ten minutes.

She heads for the kitchen while Morgan lifts a large box from the closet.

Morgan- Okay, this is the ‘to get rid of’ box. I’m gonna toss it in the back of the car.

Sabrina- Oh wait, that’s my sweater... and those are my jeans! This is my box! I’m not giving this stuff away!

Morgan- What about helping the less fortunate?

Sabrina- Well I don’t see any of Roxie’s stuff in there.

Morgan- I think the less fortunate have enough problems.

She takes the box of Sabrina’s stuff out to the car as Harvey comes down the stairs similarly loaded up with cardboard.

Sabrina- Hey Harvey, are you still helping them move boxes?

Harvey- No, I’ve fooled them; this is the same box. I’ve just been carrying it up and down the stairs for the last half an hour.

Sabrina- (Impressed) Good idea, just carrying an empty box.

Harvey- Empty...? Shoot!

He puts down the heavy, full box and walks into the main room with Sabrina. They sit beside Salem on the settee.

Harvey- (Cont.) So, did you have fun with your co-workers tonight?

Sabrina- No really. We were all sitting, talking and suddenly a blurted out about that time I went to the rings of Saturn with aunt Hilda.

Salem- Did you mention that all I got was a lousy T-shirt?

Harvey- Sabrina, why did you tell them that?

Sabrina- I couldn’t help it! They were all trading stories about their big, exotic exploits and I-I couldn’t even tell them that I once broke the sound barrier on a Hoover upright.

Harvey- Look, maybe they’ll think you were using a figure of speech. You know, that the rings of Saturn is something everyone’s saying.

Morgan enters via the front door.

Morgan- By the way, we’re taking a load to the shelter in the city tomorrow, Sabrina. So make sure you have your junk in the car.

Sabrina- But I have to work tomorrow.

Morgan- Hello! Roxie and I have jobs too.

Sabrina- Okay, okay. I’ll go on my lunch break but I can’t be late getting back. Tomorrow we’re going to be doing more damage control than Mariah Carey’s publicist.

Morgan- Why, what’s going on?

Sabrina- Well here’s the thing. I said something to my co-workers and now they think I’m all ‘girl interrupted.’

Morgan- Well the next time someone does that just say ‘Excuse me, I was talking!’

Int. Scorch Magazine. The next morning. James and Leonard watch from a distance as Sabrina tries to repair her rep. She stands at her desk and spots a fellow worker passing.

Sabrina- Oh, Hey Jodie, I love those shoes. They’re totally rings of Saturn.

Jodie shrugs and walks on and Sabrina tries again.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey Bret, we missed you last night. We had a great time. Yeah, it was like roller coasting on the rings of Saturn.

Bret just walks on.

Sabrina- Oh come on. Hasn’t anyone here heard that expression? I mean, where have you people been? Come on, hip it up!

She goes off to the coffee machine as Annie comes down the steps behind James and Leonard.

James- Jonathon hired her. I think he should know about this.

Leonard- It’s none of his business, Squealy McSquakbox.

Annie- (Overhearing) None of who’s business?

James- Okay, I don’t wanna rat on anybody but I think Jonathon should know that the new girl maybe slightly off.

Leonard- (Talking into an imaginary mic.) Judas, party of thirteen. Your tables ready.

James- Come on, Len. She said Britney Spears taught her how to dance! She said her people created Goth and that whole thing about the roller coaster on Saturn? I think her umbilical cord was wrapped too tight.

Annie- Hey look. Jonathon hired Sabrina for a reason - a reason I cannot fathom - but as long as her behaviour isn’t dangerous, we’re gonna treat her like just another Scorch employee.

James- With a chemical imbalance like a public pool.

Sabrina arrives.

Sabrina- Hey Annie, I love the hair. It’s totally rings of Saturn. (On their looks) Hey, come on. ‘It’s all good’ didn’t catch on right away either.

They all nod their heads in a ‘better humour her’ sort of way.

Ext. Half a block from the homeless centre in Boston. The busy lunchtime traffic has meant that they can’t park any closer. Morgan opens the trunk and she and Roxie lift out a large box of junk.

Sabrina- Okay guys, my lunch break is only an hour and the last time I was late, Annie made me sing the tardy song to the whole custodial staff.

Roxie- Man, these boxes are heavy.

Sabrina spots a supermarket trolley dumped by the side of the road.

Sabrina- Well here, let’s use this cart.

Sabrina dumps her black bin bag of stuff in the cart.

Roxie- Do you know the best thing about giving stuff to the poor?

She puts the big box in the cart.

Morgan- Yep, it means that we get to buy new stuff!

She takes an old green blanket from the car as Sabrina starts to push the trolley down the street. As she does the large box tilts and an old metal vegetable drainer falls out. Roxie picks it up.

Roxie- Hey! Hey, we’re losing valuable merchandise.

She finds a convenient place to put it. It makes an interesting hat for Sabrina.

Sabrina- (Still pushing) Great, now I’m going to have angel hair.

Morgan- Hold on, one more. One more.

She drapes the blanket round Sabrina’s shoulders.

Morgan- There. Now the queen has her robe.

Sabrina- Well, the queen has some weird friends.

Sabrina walks on pushing her cart and tilting the metal hat up to see where she’s going while Roxie and Morgan grin at each other before ducking into a clothes shop to start the buying new stuff part.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You know, how come they can surgically relocate your bellybutton but they can’t fix the grocery cart, wobbly wheel problem?

There’s a squeal of brakes as a car screams to a halt inches from Sabrina as she crosses the road with pile of junk for the homeless.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(To the driver) Hey! This is a crosswalk buddy! There’d better be a cooler full of kidneys in your back seat!

Cole and James can’t believe who the bag lady is that’s pushing her stuff in a wobbly shopping cart with a blanket draped about her, wearing a metal sieve for a hat and talking to herself. They stare at her for a moment with their mouths open before Cole backs up and drives round her. She recognises them and calls to them as they pass.

Sabrina- (Cont.) It’s not what you think! I’m going to the shelter! I mean, I...!

They’re gone and Sabrina can only cover her face with her hat in embarrassment.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Sabrina enters after her disastrous lunch break and walks to her desk ignoring Cole who sits at his and watches her with a frown.

Leonard- Hey there.

Sabrina jerks like a startled rabbit in surprise.

Leonard- (Cont.) Whoa! High strung, sign of quality breading. Between you and me, I’m a sucker for the crazy girls.

Sabrina- Oh, too bad because I hear Suzy in accounting has a thing for ya.

Leonard- Really?

He moves off towards accounting.

Sabrina- (To herself) There’s got to be a Suzy, right?

She picks up her mug from her desk, heads for the kitchen area and runs into James.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey James, look, about the shopping cart and all the junk, it’s actually a funny story...

James- (Interrupting) No need to explain. No worries. These voices in your head, though? They don’t say kill the photographer, do they?

A girl passes and drops a coin into Sabrina’s mug.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Very funny! Come back and get your... (Checks her cup) ...quarter... Or at least take a pencil for it.

She goes after the girl as Annie comes down from her office. James intercepts her by Cole’s desk.

James- Annie. Annie, something has gotta be done about Sabrina.

Annie- James...

James- (Interrupting) No, you didn’t see her today at lunch with the cart, the blanket, the trash…

Sabrina returns to her desk from where she can overhear the following.

James- (Cont.) She looked like a bag lady.

Cole- I think you’re overreacting. We really don’t know anything about Sabrina.

Annie- He’s right. I mean, this could be her sad, desperate attempt to give herself a little edge. Like when the Bush girls get drunk and make out with democrats.

Leonard joins them.

James- All right, look. All I’m saying is that Jonathon should know that when he hires people on impulse it could be dangerous.

Leonard- I think dangerous is sexy. My last date jumped out of my car while it was still moving.

Cole- Maybe she’s just got some problems at home.

James- Does she even have a home? One that doesn’t says ‘This end up’ and melts in the rain?

Sabrina’s had enough. She jumps up from her seat.

Sabrina- Okay, this is ridiculous! Okay, I know you guys are talking about me and you think I’m a weirdo.

James- No we don’t.

Leonard- No-no.

Cole- I don’t

Annie- No I don’t...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) I just want you to know that I do have a home and I invite any of you, except you, (Points at Leonard) anytime, to come over anytime and see my regular, normal home.

Int. Spellman living room. A regular, normal home where the cat in the hat is a hoot with his fruit and where a girl is able to do yoga on the table. This is Sabrina’s regular, normal home.

Sabrina- Why is Salem wearing a tootie-fruity hat?

Roxie- I put it on him. Isn’t it cute?

Sabrina flips the hat off the cat.

Sabrina- And why are you sitting on the coffee table?

Roxie- Before spending another day moving boxes around, I thought I’d warm up with some yoga. I’m attempting to levitate.

Sabrina- Well do you have to do it here? Cole’s coming over to take me to work and it won’t help things if he thinks I’m living with a whacko.

Roxie- Sorry. I’m not moving from this spot until I levitate.

She relaxes and closes her eyes. Sabrina points and Roxie slowly raises a foot above the table and back down again.

Sabrina- Anything?

Roxie- Nah. I’m starting to think this yoga thing’s a scam.

She untwists herself from the lotus position and sits dejected as Morgan comes down stairs with a large clip on her nose.

Morgan- Bording ebewyone. What’s ub?

Sabrina- (Removing the clip) Why are you wearing a tube clip on your nose?

Morgan- Aw! I am trying to reshape my nose without surgery. I wear it when I sleep.

She puts the clip back on.

Morgan- (Cont.) Like head gear.

Sabrina- Well you look ridiculous, okay and maybe you should stop getting your medical advice from the dollar store.

Roxie- Sabrina, you’re trying too hard. Just be yourself and they’ll see you for the wonderful, regular girl you are.

Sabrina- Actually, that is really good advice... and just in case it doesn’t work... Go! Go on!

Morgan and Roxie retreat upstairs.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(To Salem) Salem, there’s an open can of tuna in the kitchen.

Salem- Ha! Nice try. I know what’s going on. This guys coming over and you’re worried a cat will make you look spinsterish.

Sabrina- No. What makes me look spinsterish is the cat, the two female roommates and the large Victorian house.

Salem- Look, it’s obvious you like this Cole guy...

Talk of the devil. Cole arrives at the regular, normal house and as he approaches the regular, normal door he catches sight of Sabrina through the regular, normal French doors and stops to watch.

Salem- (Cont.) ...Do what anyone in your situation would do. Rub up against his leg or stand in front of the TV and arch your back.

Sabrina- This is why I don’t listen to you anymore, Salem…

Cole frowns as he watches Sabrina have and animated, regular, normal conversation with her cat. Salem catches sight of him at the window.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I am done taking the cat’s advice, okay? I am sick and tired of hearing your nagging little voice!

Salem- Psst! Meow!

Sabrina- Oh, what is that, sarcasm?

Salem twitches his head towards the French windows until Sabrina catches on.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh, hi Cole. Come on in.

She goes to answer the door

Sabrina- Hey.

Cole- Hey, Sabrina.

Sabrina- Er, y’know they-they say um if you talk to cats it makes them um... shed less. Yeah, ha-ha. All right, let me go and get my stuff, I’ll meet you out by the car.

She runs off into the kitchen. Cole takes the opportunity to look around the living room to see how regular and, yes, even normal it all is. Morgan and Roxie come down stairs.

Roxie- Sorry, we thought you guys had gone. I’m Roxie, this is Morgan.

Cole- (Shaking Roxie’s hand) Oh hi. So er, how long have you guys been roommates with Sabrina?

Roxie- We’ve only lived here for a few months. This house used to belong to Sabrina’s aunts.

Cole- Oh. Er, so where’d they go?

Morgan- We don’t know. It was really strange, they kinda just disappeared.

Cole- And you never checked out what happened to them?

Morgan- Oh Sabrina doesn’t like to talk about it.

Roxie- Not that Sabrina doesn’t like to talk about things and keeps a lot of secrets.

Morgan- Oh she’s very open... (To Roxie) except when it comes to that closet upstairs, right?

Roxie- Oh yeah, (Imitating Sabrina) Don’t go in there!

Morgan- Aaaargh!

Sabrina arrives back with her stuff and isn’t happy to find Roxie and Morgan chatting to Cole.

Sabrina- Hey, Er... What are you guys doing down here. I-I-I thought I told you to stay upstairs... (To Cole) and I thought I told you to wait in the car... (To Salem) and you, we’ll talk later. (On Salem’s look) I mean, I’ll talk to you later... about shedding. (To everyone) Ha! Why would he talk to me? He’s a cat. Ha-ha-ha.

She stands for a moment with a forced smile on her face before giving it up with a small sigh and walking out the front door. Morgan and Roxie give Cole a little wave as he follows her out.

Int. Cole’s car. Cole drives casually chewing gum while sabrina continues to try and convince him that she’s not crazy.

Sabrina- Yeah, my roommates and I get along great except for little things like, Morgan, the way she’s always chomping her gum. I could just strangle her!

Cole nervously spits his gum out the window.

Cole- Um, So you-your friends said you used to live with your aunts?

Sabrina- Yeah. Yeah, when I was in high school, but then I grew up and I didn’t need them anymore. I do miss them, though.

Cole- Well I’m sure they’ll come back and visit.

Sabrina- No-no-no. No, they won’t be coming back.

Cole sits silent for a moment hoping for something more while Sabrina takes her lipstick from her bag.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh could you pull over by the diner? I wanna get something for the office.

Cole- Yeah. Yeah sure.

Sabrina quickly applies her lippy as Cole pulls to a halt. A slight jerk as he stops causes Sabrina to spread the lipstick a little farther than intended.

Cole- Hey, you know what. Listen, um, I just remembered, I got a conference call and er, y’know, we’re only a couple of blocks from the office. Do you mind walking?

Sabrina- Oh, no problem. I’ll see you back there.

She gets out of the car, much to Cole’s relief.

Int. Eve’s Diner. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Okay, well he definitely thinks I’m crazy... and the fact that I’m talking to myself is not helping.

She walks up to the counter and catches the attention of the counter guy.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Excuse me. Um. I need a coffee cake for the office.

Counter Guy- Okay, We’ve got a fruit cake…

Sabrina- (Interrupting) No-no-no. No fruit cakes.

Counter Guy- How about a nice nut loaf?

Sabrina- No-no. Nothing nutty. I need something that says normal, not crazy, not about to have a nervous breakdown.

Counter Guy- Yeah, I don’t think I can fit all that on a cake. I can maybe do ‘Happy Birthday’ and some nice balloons?

Sabrina- <Sigh!> Give me a minute.

She steps back away from the counter to think this through and also let the girl who is stood behind her be served.

Customer- Er, regular coffee to go.

Counter Guy- Yeah.

He goes to fill her order and the customer turns to Sabrina.

Customer- You have a little...

She points at her lip before getting a metal napkin holder to show Sabrina her reflection. Sabrina sees the line of makeup edging up her cheek.

Sabrina- Oh great! That’s the last time I let a monkey do my makeover.

She uses one of the napkins to fix the problem. As she does the girl notices Sabrina’s Scorch promo shoulder bag

Customer- Do you work at Scorch?

Sabrina- Yeah. Hey, thanks for giving me the heads up on the clown mouth. My co-workers already think I’m crazy enough as it is.

Customer- Why is that?

Sabrina- Oh, I said something stupid about riding a roller coaster on the rings of Saturn. It’s a long story.

Customer- That’s kinda cool. It paints a nice picture. You seem very artistic.

Sabrina- Well I’m better with words than I am with lipstick.

Counter Guy- A dollar, thirty-five.

The customer turns back to the counter and looks through her own shoulder bag.

Customer- Oh gosh! I guess I left my wallet at the hotel.

Counter Guy- Well then, you can get your coffee at the hotel.

Sabrina- Oh, I can cover your coffee.

Customer- Oh really? That would be nice. Thank you.

Sabrina- No problem.

She pays the man and the customer picks up her coffee.

Customer- Erm, listen, do you have a card or anything? I’d like to pay you back for the coffee.

Sabrina- Oh don’t worry about it. I’m just glad I didn’t run into you at a car dealership.

Customer- Thanks again.

She leaves.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. There must be some stock of stuff in the closets up there because Roxie, Morgan and Harvey are still boxing it up.

Morgan- I don’t care what Sabrina says. We need this closet space.

She walks over to the magic portal closet as Harvey dashes to try and stop her.

Harvey- Morgan, don’t open that!

He’s not quite quick enough and Morgan opens the door but is distracted by Roxie, who’s looking through one of the boxes on the other side of the landing.

Roxie- Morgan, are these your tap shoes?

Morgan- Oh my gosh!

Magic closet forgotten she goes over to join Roxie. Harvey stands relieved by the open doorway.

Morgan- (Cont.) I haven’t seen those in years.

Slimy green tentacles slither out of the closet and wrap themselves around Harvey.

Roxie- They look brand new.

Harvey silently battles the Other Realm monster.

Morgan- Yeah, I realised that whenever I wore them, they made too much noise.

The tentacled, octopus like creature wins and drags Harvey into the closet before grabbing the handle and closing the door. Morgan hears the door close and looks around.

Morgan- (Cont.) Harvey? Harvey?

She dashes to the top of the stairs and looks down.

Morgan- (Cont.) That is just like him. We ask for help and then he gets wrapped up in something else.

Int. Scorch Magazine. Annie, Cole, Leonard and James are holding a little impromptu meeting with only one item on the agenda.

Annie- Okay, y’know, I still think you guys are overreacting. Now we’re all going back to work. Business as usual.

Cole- She may have killed her aunts, okay? We may be dealing with aunticidal maniac!

Annie- We have nothing to worry about with Sabrina.

Sabrina enters with a huge grin.

Sabrina- Hey you guys, I got a surprise.

She reaches into her shoulder bag and pulls out a large knife. They all back away and Leonard ducks under the nearest desk and we get a quick blast of the Psycho screeching.

Sabrina- (Cont.) No guys, the knife is for the cake! I brought cake! Leonard, get up from underneath the desk!

She puts the cake and the knife down much to everyone’s relief.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Look guys, I know there’s been a lot of rumours about my behaviour lately, but you haven’t been seeing the whole picture! I mean, there’s an explanation for everything. The grocery cart, the knife, the rings of Saturn…

A horn hoots.

Annie- Oooh! Latte cart.

Everyone in the office makes a dash for it.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Guys wait! I’m not a lunatic!

Sabrina’s left alone and dejected in the office when the door opens and in walks the customer from Eve’s Diner.

Customer- Hey, there you are. I wanted to pay you back your money.

Sabrina- Oh you don’t have top do that. It was just coffee, but thanks. I’m Sabrina Spellman by the way.

She holds out her hand.

Customer- (Shaking it) Hi, I’m Ashanti. Nice to meet you.

Sabrina- (Surprised) Oh, the singer, Ashanti?

Ashanti- (Nodding yes) Hm-mm.

Sabrina- Oh I see what’s happening here. They’re trying to set me up and you’re in on it. They think I’m nuts and they’re trying to push me into the deep end of the crazy pool. (Calling out) Very funny guys! You can come out now!

Ashanti- Well maybe this’ll convince you.

She gives Sabrina a quick couple of verses of ‘Happy’ complete with dance moves.

Sabrina- Okay, well you are definitely Ashanti.

Ashanti- Hm-mm.

Sabrina- Um, will they be selling T-shirts after you leave?

Ashanti- Let me know if there’s ever anything I can do to return the favour.

She slips Sabrina a couple of dollars and turns to leave.

Sabrina- Er, actually, since you’re offering, um would you mind giving a few minutes to do an interview? The magazine would love it and my reputation sure could use the help around here.

Ashanti- I’m kinda in a rush. The tour bus is waiting outside but, y’know what, here’s my managers card. Give her a call and she’ll set something up.

She hands Sabrina a card.

Sabrina- Okay, thanks.

Ashanti leaves as the rest of the magazine workforce start to filter back in.

Cole- Hey, was that...? Was someone supposed to have an interview with Ashanti?

Annie- Jonathon didn’t say anything to me about it.

James- (To Sabrina) You didn’t go saying something weird and chase her off, did ya?

Sabrina- As a matter of fact, she came here too... (Thinking better of it) Nah.

Ashanti comes back in and walks up to Sabrina.

Ashanti- All right. All right. All right. Forget my manager.

She takes the card she had given Sabrina and writes on the back of it.

Ashanti- (Cont.) Here’s my cell number. Give me a call tonight before the show and you can get your interview, and girl, you are definitely riding the roller coaster on the rings of Saturn in my book.

She leaves singing to herself.

Leonard- Wow! Sabrina knows Ashanti.

Sabrina- Huh? Oh yeah. Y’know, me and Ashanti. Yeah, we’re buds. We go way back.

Cole- Well I guess we misjudged the new girl.

James- So Ashanti’s the one that came up with this whole rings of Saturn thing, huh?

Sabrina- Well actually, er we both came up with it together. Yeah, we’re like, y’know, Lennon and McCartney, Simon and Garfunkle. We’re Spellman and... whatever Ashanti’s last name is. (On their looks) So, does anybody want to eat this cake?

Everyone vanishes like magic. Looks like Sabrina’s got the whole cake to herself.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Roxie and Morgan finally close the closet door and dust off their hands just as Sabrina comes up the stairs.

Sabrina- Hey you, it looks like you’ve got everything stored away. What happened to Harvey?

Morgan- He bailed on us hours ago.

Morgan and Roxie head down stairs to grab some well earned tea. No sooner have they gone than the magic closet door springs open and Harvey leaps out. He is completely slimed up from head to foot and sporting some spectacular sucker welts on his face and arms.

Sabrina- (Shocked) Harvey! What happened to you?

Harvey- I was... Giant octopus...! Tenatacles and... Acid blood! It was horrible!

Roxie- (OS) Is that Harvey up there?

Morgan- (OS) We’ve got six more boxes!

Harvey turns and calmly walks back into the magic closet, closing the door behind him.

Run credits.



Pic of the Week