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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Guilty!

Written By – Dan Berendsen
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Miles - Trevor Lissauer
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
The Bus Driver – Conchata Ferrell
Professor Beltran – John O’Hurley
Chad – Charles Chun
Kerry – Gina St. John
Dr. Schwartz – Hiram Kasten
Margie – Lindsay Parker
Ernesto Jimenez – Barry Vigon
Man – Bert Hilkes
Woman – Jenna Stewart

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Adams College hallway. Sabrina walks beside a distinguished looking professor, looking up at him attentively.

Professor Beltran- And so the guy says ‘That’s no gross national product, that’s my wife!’

Both he and Sabrina crack up laughing as Roxie comes round the corner and stops in her tracks watching.

Sabrina- Now that’s funny! There is nothing I like more than a good supply side economics joke.

The professor walks off leaving Sabrina still chuckling to herself as Roxie walks up to her.

Roxie- Lobbying for a better grade?

Sabrina abruptly stops laughing.

Sabrina- Always, but I’ve also found out, Professor Beltran is the head of the nominating committee for Professor-of-the-year award.

Roxie- You’re kind of a long shot, not being a teacher and all.

Sabrina- Not for me! For my aunt Zelda. She’s the best teacher at this college, and I’m not just saying that because my names plastered all over her will.

Roxie- But Zelda’s only been at Adams for two years, there’s no way Beltran would even consider her for the award.

They look down the hallway and see the professor surrounded by students laughing politely at his joke. One girl in particular is doubled up with laughter.

Sabrina- That girl, on the other hand is getting an ‘A’ in economics.

Roxie- Maybe there’s a way you can plant the idea of Zelda in his head.

Sabrina- Plant the idea in his head? That’s a great idea Roxie.

She looks up and watches the professor enter his classroom.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Excuse me, I’ve got some seeds to sow.

Int. Economics classroom. Professor Beltran sits at his desk and opens his briefcase. Sabrina appears at the open door. She sneaks up behind him and quietly zaps a packet of seeds into one hand and a watering can into the other. She rips the top off the seed packet with her teeth while hitting the professor freezer spell. She sprinkles the seeds on his head and pours on a little water. In his minds eye and flower grows and unfurls it’s petals to reveal the smiling face of Professor Zelda Spellman. Sabrina smiles.

Sabrina- (To herself) I love gardening.

Run opening credits.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Hilda pours a coffee for an attractive young woman sat on the settee and moves on. Miles watches almost drooling while Sabrina watches Miles with an amused expression.

Miles- I’ve been staring at her long enough. The faster I ask her out, the faster I get rejected and begin the healing process.

Sabrina hands him a cup of coffee to send him on his way. He approaches the girl on the settee.

Sabrina- (To herself) It’s that air of confidence that women find so irresistible.

Miles- (To girl) Hi, my name is Miles and I...

The girl gives him a glance before getting up and walking away. Miles spots another pretty girl heading towards the door and intercepts her.

Miles- Excuse me. I was wondering if...

The blonde girl ignores him and carries on out the door. He smiles at an elderly lady hobbling in with a walking stick. She glowers at him and raps him on the shin with her stick. Hilda, who has just witnessed this comes over to him.

Hilda- If I ever need a bouncer, you’re hired, and if you ever want to land a girlfriend, you're gonna need professional help.

Miles- The psychiatrists have washed their hands of me. They say I’m a downer.

Hilda- Forget about the shrinks! You’re looking at the world’s greatest matchmaker. I have a perfect record when it comes to shoving people together.

Miles- You’re saying that you can set me up with my dream girl?

Hilda- Yes-sir-ee Bob. It’s one of the perks of being a nosey, intrusive yenta. I know everybody on Westbridge and everything about them.

She turns to a nearby table where a man and a woman are sat together.

Hilda- (Cont.) Hey Miriam, how far along are you?

Man- (Surprised) We’re having a baby?!

Hilda- It’s a boy... And I’m pretty sure it’s yours.

She turns back to Miles leaving Miriam to deal with the situation.

Miles- Wow, you really are a yenta. Maybe you can help me.

Hilda- So are you busy tonight? Oh wait a minute, look who I’m asking. Well, you’re busy now.

She gets back to work as a very excited Zelda enters and rushes to Sabrina at the counter.

Zelda- You’ll never guess where I’m going!

Sabrina- To meet with the nominating committee for the Professor-of-the-year award.

Zelda- No, I’m... How did you know?

Sabrina- Well I might have planted the idea in Professor Beltran’s head. But I only got him thinking about you. If you get the award it’s because you truly deserve it.

Zelda- Oh thank you sweetheart. I can’t think of a more wonderful honour.

Hilda- You said the same thing when you won Rum-runner-of-the-year during prohibition.

Zelda- That may be true, but of all the jobs I’ve had in the last six hundred years, I really think inspiring young people is my true calling. Oh, to be recognised by my peers would just be icing on the cake.

Hilda- There’s gonna be cake?

Sabrina- There will be if she wins. I’m so excited for you. Good luck.

She gives her aunt a hug.

Zelda- I’ll call you the minute I hear.

She dashes off and Sabrina turns to Hilda.

Sabrina- And I know a way to hear without her even having to call.

Int. Adams college committee room. The nominations committee for the Professor-of-the-year award are gathered with Professor Beltran in the middle. Zelda enters.

Zelda- It’s just me, your average, humble professor. I must say, I was quite surprised when I got your call.

She sits herself at the side of the table. Professor Beltran looks over the top of his glasses at her while just behind him the musty old painting of one of the college founders takes on a more familiar appearance and starts fidgeting.

Sabrina, the picture- (Under her breath) Aw! So this is what a corset feels like.

She is spotted by her aunt.

Zelda- And I continue to be surprised.

Professor Beltran- Well let’s get down to it shall we? Professor Spellman, you’re fired.

Zelda- (Shocked) What?!

Sabrina, the painting- (Shocked) What?!

Professor Beltran looks round wondering where the echo came from.

Zelda- Did you just say that I’m fired?

Professor Beltran- When the committee reviewed your qualifications for Professor-of-the-year, your file stated that you had three advanced degrees from Harvard.

Zelda- Oh I do.

Professor Beltran- Well we called Harvard to verify. They said the last Zelda Spellman who attended there graduated in eighteen seventy-three.

Zelda- Has it really been that long?

Professor Beltran- So while it is clear to me you are not one hundred and fifty years old, I am to deduce that you are either a liar or delusional.

Zelda- (Glancing at the painting on the wall) Are those my only options?

The painting on the wall mouths the word ‘Sorry’

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Everything is in readiness. Roxie and Miles are just finishing the balloons when Hilda comes over to Miles with some news.

Hilda- Okay Studley, you’re all set. Her names Margie, you’re meeting her tonight at the Taca-Hana Steakhouse.

Miles- Does it matter that I don’t eat red meat and I’m allergic to tempura?

Hilda- No. Trust me, you’ll love it. Everything’s served in a boat.

Roxie- Hilda, here she comes!

They all dive into their hiding places as Zelda comes into the coffee house with a contrite Sabrina on her heals.

Sabrina- I am so so sorry!

Everyone- Surprise!

Hilda pulls the string that releases all the balloons from the ceiling while Roxie starts the recorded band music leaving an opened mouthed Zelda stood beneath the large banner saying:-

ZELDA SPELLMAN

PROFESSOR OF THE YEAR

Hilda- Don’t you just love balloons? (On Zelda’s look) Apparently not.

Zelda- Hilda, not only did I not get the award, I got fired.

Hilda- Well that puts a dampener on the rest of the party.

Roxie and Miles are making their way from the back room struggling under the weight of a huge cake.

Hilda- (Cont.) Ixney on the artypay.

She pushes the confused pair back towards the back room.

Hilda- (Cont.) The cake comes home with me.

Zelda sits herself down

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, I had no idea the committee would go snooping through your records. Wait a minute, why didn’t they check with Harvard when they hired you?

Zelda- Well I had just published an article in ‘The Scientific American’ and had a Galaxy named after me, they were probably so thrilled to have me on the faculty that no one bothered to check the dates.

Sabrina- Till I came along.

Zelda- Honey, you have nothing to feel bad about. Sometimes things happen for the best.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, you were just booted out of the greatest job you’ve ever had! What good can come of that?

Hilda walks over with a plate of cake and sits on the arm of the settee beside Zelda.

Zelda- who knows? Maybe this is my chance to explore new directions. You know, take on new adventures, new challenges.

Hilda- Wow! For someone who’s just had her dreams yanked out from under her, you’re taking it really well.

Zelda- When one dream dies; another is born. Look out world, here comes Zelda Spellman.

Zelda stands up with determination, pats Sabrina reassuringly on the shoulder and leaves. Hilda takes her place on the settee.

Hilda- Boy, she is really letting you off the hook… I wouldn’t.

Sabrina- She is not letting me off the hook. She’s just pretending to feel good so I don’t feel bad. Well I’m not going to rest until she admits that she feels bad so I can start feeling good! Or something like that.

Int. the Taca-Hana Steakhouse, which, oddly enough is a sushi resteraunt. Miles enters looking like his mother dressed him. He spots an attractive young lady.

Miles- Talk about my perfect woman!

She looks Miles up and down.

Woman- Talk about a snowballs chance.

She leaves as a blonde girl comes up behind him. She looks remarkably familiar what with the way she has her hair done and her taste in clothes. Kind of like a younger Hilda.

Margie- Watcha doin’?

Miles turns.

Margie- (Cont.) You must be Miles, I’m Margie. I already ordered for you. Don’t you just love this place? Everything’s served in boats.

She guides him to their seats.

Miles- Have we met before?

Margie- No. Oh guess what, I got us tickets to the circus. You love the circus, right?

Miles- Actually, clowns terrify me.

Margie- Don’t be ridicules, you’ll have a great time. Trust me.

Miles- Trust you? I’m already breaking out in hives just smelling the tempura, but the circus! That takes the cake.

Margie- There’s going to be cake?

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda, wearing a top that’s remarkably similar to Margie’s answers the front door. Sabrina enters carrying a gift wrapped package.

Sabrina- Hi, is aunt Zelda here? I just brought her over a sixteen pound log of chocolate to cheer her up. (Scratching herself) And just to prove I’m really remorseful, I’m wearing horsehair undergarments.

Hilda- That may fly for Zelda but how are you going to apologies to me?

Sabrina- For what?

The a high pitched squeal of pain followed by a sharp screech of despair coming from the kitchen.

Hilda- That!

Int. Spellman kitchen. The terrible cacophony continues as Sabrina enters with her chocolate log under one arm and trying to cover both her ears at once with her free hand. It’s never going to work with just two arms.

Sabrina- Oh for the love of all things great and small stop!

Zelda pauses in her attempt to strangle something resembling a tune out of her saxophone.

Salem- <Sob! Sob! Sob!>

Sabrina- (Smiling brightly) Hi aunt Zelda, you sound really good.

Zelda- I got a saxophone. I’ve always wanted to take up jazz.

Salem- When are you going to start?

Sabrina- So, instead of teaching, you’re gonna become a jazz musician?

Zelda- Well I’m free to do whatever I want. Maybe I’ll be the next Kenny G, or maybe I’ll be a brain surgeon, or maybe I’ll get a job pumping gas. I’m a woman with options.

She raises the sax to her lips but Sabrina quickly pulls it away again.

Sabrina- Options are good and so is chocolate.

Zelda- Maybe later sweetheart. Right now I’ve got to drain the spit from my mouthpiece.

She leaves and with a sigh Sabrina walks over to join Salem at the counter.

Sabrina- I feel so awful about what I did to aunt Zelda. I’ve gotta help her figure out her options.

Salem- Here’s the only option I see. Put her in a basket and send her down the Nile.

Sabrina- You are so weird.

Salem- It helps break up the day.

Int. College house. Sabrina is dressed up and arranging some flowers.

Sabrina- All ready for my dinner party. Now all I need is... dinner!

She points at the empty dinning table and dinner for five is served.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Talk about the hostess with the mostess, (Admiring the spread) Huh, Pearl Nester, eat your heart out.

The doorbell rings and Sabrina answers and waves her aunt in.

Zelda- Hi Sabrina. (Seeing the spread on the table) Oh, the table looks lovely but I thought it was just the two of us for dinner?

Sabrina- Yeah, but then I thought why not entertain a few more options?

She points overs her shoulder and three more people resolve themselves from the large swirl of sparkles. A long haired young man with a clarinet.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Aunt Zelda, say hello to Lenny B. Kenny G’s on tour.

Lenny B plays a quick trill on his instrument. The next guy is wearing a white lab coat.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And this is Dr. Schwartz, world renowned brain surgeon.

Dr. Schwartz- (Straightening his tie) With a seven handicap.

The third guy wears a boiler suit with a nametag sewn on.

Sabrina- And this is Ernesto, Gas station owner.

Ernesto- I prefer petroleum products engineer.

Zelda smiles at her fellow dinner guests and quickly pulls Sabrina aside.

Zelda- Sabrina, what is going on?

Sabrina- They’re here to help you decide what you wanna do with the rest of your life. Cool huh?

She pushes her aunt towards the three men and slips over to the settee to watch. Lenny B starts playing as Dr. Schwartz and Ernesto flank Zelda-

Dr. Schwartz- I will never understand how this whole ‘Playing God’ thing has gotten such a bad rap. I mean, after all, if you’re going to play anything it’s either that or golf, right?

Ernesto- Hey, if you wanna get into gas, you’ve gotta move quick because it’s a young persons business.

Dr. Schwartz- (Taking Zelda’s hand) Don’t be ridiculous. Look at those hands, they were meant to cut people open.

Ernesto- Oh, you don’t think I got nice hands?

Zelda- (Throwing up her hands) Gentlemen, please! I don’t want to be a brain surgeon or a musician or a gas pumptress! Sabrina, I just came up with those ideas off the top of my head. I’ve no idea what I wanna do with my life.

Sabrina- Hello, whole point of the evening.

Talking of the point of the evening, Zelda does it and sends the doc, Ernesto and Lenny back to wherever they came from.

Zelda- Honey, I know you mean well but...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Look, um there’s a lot more where those came from. (Counting on her fingers) Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy, but then I’d have set another place for dinner.

Zelda- Honey, no more options. All I need is some time to think, which is why I’ve booked myself a week at the Other Realm Spa.

Sabrina- Well I could come with you, you could bounce ideas off me. I really wanna help you feel better!

Zelda- Honey, I’m fine. I don’t think it’s me you want to help feel better, it’s you. You are on a serious guilt trip.

Sabrina- I’m not on a guilt trip!

Zelda- Then explain the bus in your living room?

Sabrina spins round to see a mini-bus parked where her dinner for five had been. The rather stocky, lady bus driver gets out.

Bus Driver- I’m here to pick up Sabrina Spellman.

Sabrina- What for?

Bus Driver- Your guilt trip, honey. D’you need help with your baggage?

Sabrina- I don’t have any baggage.

Bus Driver- Ha! That’s what they all say.

A large pile of suitcases and bags with big red labels reading GUILT appear beside the bus. Reluctantly Sabrina goes over and starts picking them up.

Zelda- Have a nice trip, honey.

Int. Guilt Trip Bus. Sabrina has taken the seat directly behind the driver as the bus flies through the clouds.

Sabrina- Er, I think there’s been a mistake. I’m really not supposed to be here.

Bus Driver- Oh? So you’re saying I don’t know my job? Fine, then maybe I just wont do it anymore.

She sits back crossing her arms. The bus swerves back and forth alarmingly as Sabrina and her fellow guilty passengers are thrown around while they try to grab hold of something.

Sabrina- I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I am really meant to be here!

Bus Driver- That’s more like it.

She takes back control of the bus. One of the other passengers, a woman in a wedding dress, leans across the isle.

Kerry- Hi, I’m Kerry. I’m the worst person in the entire world. I left my fiancée at the alter.

Sabrina- Ow, You must feel so... of course, guilty.

The one other passenger, an oriental gentleman, leans across to join the conversation.

Chad- I’m Chad and actually, I’m the worst person in the world. I gave my clients such bad financial advice that most of them have had to declare bankruptcy.

Sabrina- Wow! Compared to you two, I’m Shirley Temple.

Bus Driver- Hardly.

Sabrina- Well I did, accidentally, get my aunt fired from her dream job and destroy her life. Oh my God! I’m the worst person in the world!

Bus Driver- Now you’re catchin’ on.

Sabrina- So what are we supposed to do? Just fly around up here, wallowing in our misery forever?

Bus Driver- Well that’s entirely up to you. Once you’ve worked through your guilt trip, I let you off the bus.

Chad leans across with a box of Animal Crackers.

Chad- Do you want my last cracker?

Sabrina- Oh no, I couldn’t. I’d feel to guilty.

Bus Driver- It’s gonna be a long trip.

Sabrina slumps back in her seat to wallow in her misery.

Later… much later, Sabrina awakes from a nap. A good sleep is impossible on the hard, uncomfortable seats. The small bus is closed up because of the altitude and it seems that the air-conditioning is busted making it hot and stuffy, everyone is sweating in the heat and the bus is more than a little ripe.

Sabrina- Oh, this trip is excruciating! How much longer do we have to stay on this ride?

Kerry- I’m going to be on this trip forever. I’m never gonna stop feeling guilty.

Sabrina moves over to sit beside Kerry.

Sabrina- So why did you leave your fiancée at the alter?

Kerry- I realised I didn’t love Roger. I knew that if I went through with the marriage, we’d be miserable forever.

Sabrina- Y’know, Kerry, It seems to me that you did Roger a huge favour. I mean, if you didn’t love him then you saved him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

Kerry- I never looked at it that way before. It was the right thing to do. (Smiling) This is the best I’ve felt since...

Kerry suddenly shoots straight up out of her seat and out through the roof of the bus.

Sabrina- (looking up) Okay, that was fairly random.

Bus Driver- (Taking her finger off the ‘Eject’ button on the dashboard.) She worked through her guilt trip so I sent her home.

Sabrina- Well I helped, can you drop me off too?

Bus Driver- Well I would but then I’d feel guilty.

Chad, having seen what happened with Kerry, slides up one seat to sit behind Sabrina.

Chad- Perhaps she’ll let you off if you help me get over my guilt?

Sabrina- Well it’s worth a shot. Okay, you say you gave your clients bad advice.

Chad- The worst!

Sabrina- But did you know it was bad when you gave it to them?

Chad- No! I even invested my own money in the same stocks.

Sabrina- Come on Chad, this isn’t your fault. Stocks are risky by nature and you’re no Miss Cleo. You did the best you could and that’s all anybody could ask.

Chad- You’re right! I have nothing to feel guilty...

The bus driver eject him mid sentence.

Sabrina- (To the bus driver) Would it kill you to let someone say goodbye? (To herself) Okay, here goes. I tried to get my aunt elected Professor-of-the-year but instead I got her fired. Okay, now that I’ve worked through it, (Closing her eyes, waiting to be ejected) Ready – Aim – Fire!

Nothing happens.

Bus Driver- You’re gonna have to do better than that.

Sabrina- Okay, easy. Er, my aunt said it doesn’t bother her and not to blame myself, so I don’t. Whoo-hoo, I’m goin’ home.

She closes her eyes again in preparation for her ejection. Nothing happens.

Sabrina- (Tapping the driver on the shoulder) Hey! Hey, could you hit that little eject-o button, I’d really like to take a shower?

Bus Driver- You got your aunt fired? What kind of a person would do such a thing?

Sabrina- A really really guilty person?

The bus driver nods her head.

Int. College house. Miles answers the front door and an excited Hilda walks in.

Hilda- Well?

Miles- Well what?

Hilda- Margie, your perfect woman? How much do you love me right now? Feel free to heap on the praise.

Miles- It was the single worst dating experience of my life!

Hilda- What are you talking about, Margie thought you were the perfect match?

Miles- But I didn’t say two words! She kept bossing me around and cutting me off. I-I just think...

Hilda- (Cutting him off) You pick up that phone and just call her! Now! Go!

Miles- Hilda, trust me, we didn’t click!

He heads off towards his room but Hilda’s not having that. She gets him in a head lock.

Hilda- How would you know if you clicked or not!

She frog marches him over to the phone.

Hilda- (Cont.) Honestly, you go to all this trouble to help people.

Miles- All right! All right! I’m calling!

He picks up the phone and starts dialling.

Hilda- You bet you are. No one’s screwing up my perfect record!

Miles- (On phone) Hello Margie.

She releases her grip on him and smiles.

Hilda- Ah, young love.

Int. the Taca-Hana Steakhouse, Miles is sat beside Margie looking less than happy.

Margie- I swear I could eat here every day. You haven’t touched your food.

Miles- Like I said, I’m highly allergic...

Margie has picked up a piece of food from his plate and shoved it into his mouth.

Margie- Eat!

Reluctantly he chews.

Margie- (Cont.) Oh great news, there’s a carnival coming to town. It’ll be here for a week, so we can go at least... seven times.

Miles- (Under his breath) How can anybody call this a perfect match?

One of the chefs stands close by chopping veg and eves dropping.

Hilda, the chef- (To herself) Just like I though, it’s a perfect match!

She nearly jumps with excitement and throws up her hands. The knife she is using to chop the veg flies from her grip. She stands wide eyed.

Hilda, the chef- (Cont.) Oops! We’ve got a seat open!

Int. Guilt trip bus. Much much much later. Sabrina’s predicament isn’t any better. In fact it’s a world full of worse. She tries yet again to convince the driver to release her with sweet reason.

Sabrina- Look, my aunts aren’t mad at me so I have no reason to feel guilty. Now let me off the freakin’ bus!

Bus Driver- Hey Sandra Bullock! Stay behind the yellow line! <Sigh!> Where’s your aunt now?

Sabrina- (Hopeful) She at the Other Realm Spa figuring out her options, which she now has thanks to me.

Bus Driver- If everything is the way you say it is, I’ll let you go. Hang on!

The driver puts her foot down and Sabrina who had been stood at her shoulder is thrown backwards into a seat.

Int. The Other Realm Spa. Sabrina isn’t the only one feeling hot and sweaty. The difference is that Zelda is paying for the privilege as she sits in the sauna wrapped in a fluffy white towel. But spare a thought for her companion who is sat in the sauna with a fur coat on.

Zelda- Oh, don’t you just love the heat? It really opens up the mind.

Salem- Me, I’m schvitzing over here.

Without warning Sabrina and the bus driver are suddenly there sitting on the top bench. Clearly they are invisible to the other occupants.

Bus Driver- Don’t worry, nobody can see us.

Sabrina- Yes, but, unfortunately, we can see him.

She points at Salem.

Zelda- You know, I really do have a wonderful life. No worries, no responsibilities, just an endless sea of possibilities.

Salem- Do you really believe any of this malarkey you’re spouting?

Zelda- It’s not malarkey. I am thrilled to have all these new doors opening.

Sabrina- There! May I please go now?

Bus Driver- Not so fast. I smell a rat.

Sabrina- That’s just Salem’s musk.

Salem- Zelda, I know you better than you know yourself, (Under his breath) and that scares me (Aloud) You’re miserable without that job!

Zelda- You’re right, I’m crushed. I loved teaching at Adams. It was everything to me. <Sob!> When I lost that job my soul died a tragic death. <Sob!> Excuse me while I drown my sorrows in the plunge pool! <Sob! Sob!>

Still crying she runs from the room. She not the only one on the verge of tears. Sabrina sits horror stricken by what she’s just heard.

Bus Driver- Killed her soul. That’s a new one.

Sabrina- You’ve got to let me off this guilt trip! I’ve got to help her! I’ve been doing nothing except sitting around trying to figure out how to make myself feel better when really, what I should have been doing was hel...! (Realising) Hey, you’re pretty tricky.

Bus Driver- It’s a gift.

She points and Sabrina doesn’t have time to close her eyes this time, nor to say goodbye. She rockets straight up and is ejected from her trip.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s bedroom. Sabrina lands with a bounce on her bed just before Roxie enters.

Roxie- You’ve got to love a girl who doesn’t feel guilty about sleeping in all day.

Sabrina quickly gets up off the bed.

Sabrina- Believe me, I wasn’t sleeping.

Roxie- Then where were you and why do you smell like bus fumes and musk?

Sabrina- I was trying out this new cologne. It’s called… Guilty by association.

Roxie- Well while you were out sampling diesel perfume, I was busy trying to get Zelda’s job back.

She picks up a clipboard from her desk.

Roxie- (Cont.) I’ve already got twenty signatures from students trying to get her reinstated.

Sabrina- See, that’s what I should have been doing! That’s it, I’m going with you to help.

She takes the clipboard and adds her name.

Roxie- We’ll get a lot more signatures if you take a shower.

Sabrina sniffs at her sweaty pits.

Sabrina- Phew! Good idea.

She grabs her towel and heads for the bathroom.

Int. Adams college committee room. A clean and fresh smelling Sabrina faces down the nomination committee for Professor-of-the-year.

Sabrina- ...So it shouldn’t just be about her résumé or credentials, It should be about the passion she brings to the subject! I mean, come on, she’s a quantum physics teacher for crying out loud and students still love her! I have here over two hundred signatures...

Professor Beltran- (Interrupting) Miss Spellman! We agree with everything you’ve said. We would love to give your aunt her job back.

Sabrina- Great. I can’t wait to tell her the good news.

She grabs her bag and clip board and starts for the door.

Professor Beltran- I’d hold off. The only way that we can reinstate Professor Spellman is if she were to complete all of the course work that is necessary for a doctoral degree.

Sabrina- No problem. How long will that take?

Professor Beltran- Seven years. Unfortunately, we’re hiring a replacement in three weeks.

Sabrina- You’ll have everything you need on your desk in two weeks.

Professor Beltran- That’s impossible.

Sabrina- You don’t know my aunt.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina’s just given Zelda the good news.

Zelda- That’s impossible!

Sabrina- Do you want to spend the rest of your life schvitzing in a sauna with your cat?

Zelda- I’ll need a sharp pencil!

Int. Spellman dining room. The dining table is piled high with books as Zelda works her way through them. Sabrina enters with another two wheelbarrow fulls and tips them beside her aunt.

Later, the labtop is out and Zelda is showing signs of tiring. As she begins to nod off over her experiment Sabrina quickly puts a small cup of pure caffeine to her lips. She’s suddenly wide-awake again. Sabrina has a jolt as well.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda’s fingers are a blur as she types on her laptop. Sabrina takes the sheets as they print out and adds them to the growing pile. When she turns back the printer has churned out another book full. She struggles to keep up.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda adds the final bunch of papers to the foot and half high pile and keels over sideways onto the settee.

Sabrina- That’s it! You did it! Okay, I’m just gonna run these over to the college and...

She turns and sees that Zelda is already asleep. She pulls a blanket over her aunt and takes her glasses from her limp finger. She then grabs the large pile of paper and lifts. Nothing happens, so she braces her foot against the table and lifts with them clutched to her chest. The weight makes her overbalance and she falls flat on the floor.

Int. College house. Miles enters with so nifty new headgear made from twisted purple balloons. He is not happy.

Roxie- Nice hat. Poodle?

Miles- No. Margie made me wear the poodle yesterday. Today is ferret day.

Roxie- Boy, you must really like this girl if you're willing to walk around looking... granted, better than you usually look.

Miles- I hate looking like this. I hate that I let her boss me around. I hate every moment that I’m with Margie!

Roxie- Then why don’t you just break up with her?

Miles- Why didn’t the Belgians just ask the Germans to go around them? She is the most aggressive woman I’ve ever met, and I’m totally none confrontational.

Roxie- Well maybe I can help. What if I introduced you to somebody who could be confrontational for you?

Miles- No thanks, I’ve been set up enough for three lifetimes.

Roxie- Your choice. I’m sure you’ll look adorable in tomorrows fair hat.

He slumps in despair onto the settee and covers his head with a cushion.

Ext. Adams college campus, next day. Miles walks up to Margie who’s sat waiting on a bench. She stands when he arrives.

Margie- Even though you kept me waiting, I’ve made you a present.

With a smile she places the balloon giraffe hat on his head. There’s a voice from behind her.

Roxie- Take the silly hat off the man!

Margie spins round.

Margie- (hands on hips) Who are you?

Roxie- (Hands on hips) Miles’ girlfriend.

Miles- You are?! (On her glare) I mean, she is!

Margie- (Getting in Roxie’s face) Oh yeah? Then why has he been seeing me for the last two weeks?

Roxie- (Getting nose to nose with Margie) Because I needed some space, but I don’t anymore. Understand?

Margie- Please! You are so not his type.

Roxie- Margie, you’re not hearing me. Miles might be a paranoid, conspiracy loving Trekie freak, but he’s my paranoid, conspiracy loving Trekie freak! So take your carnie ways and your Asian meats and hit the road!

Margie- Wow! You’re even bossier than I am. (To Miles) You’ve got yourself a great girl. I’ll miss you though, most of the guys I date don’t actually wear the hats.

She turns and flounces off.

Miles- Roxie, I...

Roxie- (Interrupting) You’re welcome. And next time you’re trying to find your perfect match, trust your own instincts, not someone elses.

Miles- (Taking off the hat) Thanks, I’ll do that.

Int. Committee room. The nominations committee for the Professor-of-the-year award is breaking up and as they pass they each congratulate Professor Spellman who is talking with Professor Beltran.

Professor Beltran- (Shaking her hand) Zelda, I don’t know how you did it but this is the greatest academic tour de force I have ever encountered.

Zelda- I’m just happy to be back. Oh! Oh!

She gingerly withdraws her hand from Professor Beltran’s and rubs her wrist..

Zelda- (Cont.) It’s major carpel tunnel.

Professor Beltran- Well I’m just happy that your niece was so persistent.

Zelda looks round at one of the paintings on the wall,

Zelda- Yes, she’s a pretty amazing girl.

Sabrina, the painting grins back.

Zelda- (Cont.) I couldn’t have done it without her.

Professor Beltran- And while Professor-of-the-year is out of the question, I would say you’ve got a pretty good shot at Student-of-the-year.

As she and Professor Beltran leave with a chuckle, Zelda turns and gives Sabrina a thumbs up. Sabrina throws her arms up in triumph and gives a hearty…

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo!

…before tippling over backwards because of the extra weight of her bustle. Her feet fly up in the air showing off her voluminous bloomers.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Aw!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem’s sat on the table with the phone book and phone in front of him as Hilda comes down the stairs.

Salem- Where ya goin’?

Hilda- To the circus with Margie. Miles may have no taste but I think she’s fabulous.

There’s a knock on the door and Margie enters. The likeness is uncanny; they could be mother daughter, though I’m sure Hilda would have preferred sisters… but she’s already got two of them. Their outfits are the complimentary as are their hairstyles.

Margie- Hi. I just met a guy who’d be perfect for you. You’re going out Saturday.

Hilda- (To Salem) I love this girl!

Margie- And I love your outfit.

Hilda- And I love your outfit.

They lock arms and leave.

Salem- It’s enough to make you swear off women... Okay, I sworn off long enough. My true love is waiting right...

He closes his eyes and waves his paw over the phone book before jabbing his dewclaw down onto the page.

Salem- (Cont.) ...here!

He dials and waits a moment before a female voice says…

Phone- Hello?

Salem- Hello back at ya, baby.

Phone- Who is this?

Salem- Perfection in a little furry suit.

Phone- Whoever you are, I don’t have time for this, all right. I’m on the road talking on my cell, and this may be one of those states where you get arrested for that.

Salem- Okay, let’s go a different way. Is your refrigerator running?

The phone clicks to a dead tone.

Salem- Hello?

Run Credits.



Pic of the Week