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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Time After Time

Written By - Dan Berendsen
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Josh - David Lascher
Miles - Trevor Lissauer
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Harvey - Nate Richert
Gabriel - Jere Burns
The Spokesman - Simon Helberg
Reporter - Rebecca Lin
Beatnik #1 - Teren Greathouse
Customer - Craig Frazier

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda paces back and forth anxiously while Salem watches. Sabrina arrives.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, what’s going on? I came over as soon as I got your message.

Hilda- It’s Zelda, she and Professor Carlin broke up... for good this time... at least that’s what it sounded like through the keyhole.

Sabrina- Oh poor aunt Zelda, she must be devastated. Whoa! What is that delicious smell?

Salem- That, my dear, is the sweet smell of heartbreak.

Hilda- Every time Zelda has a really horrific break-up, she cooks.

Sabrina- Well that sounds like a sensible way to deal with an emotional crisis.

Zelda enters wearing her apron and bearing a large silver salver laden down with cuts of meat.

Zelda- Oh hi Sabrina. I made appetisers. Go ahead; take two, they’re small.

Hilda and Sabrina help themselves to a cows thigh each. Smiling, Zelda heads back into the kitchen.

Sabrina- Mutton?

Hilda- Unfortunately, she’s had the same break-up menu for the last four hundred years.

Salem- (Excited) And the more upset she is, the bigger the spread.

Sabrina- She seems pretty upbeat, maybe she’s not as upset as you think.

The doors to the dinning room slide back by Zelda.

Zelda- Diner is served.

She steps back to reveal a banquet that Henry VIII would have been hard pressed to make a dent in before she heads back to the kitchen to bring in the main course.

Sabrina- Okay, maybe she is upset.

Salem- (Pleased) And I need to pull up my big jeans!

Run opening credits.

Zelda- Dig in everyone, make sure you leave room for dessert. I made my speciality, honeyed calf marrow.

Salem- <Gasp!> In a cup or a cone?

Sabrina- (Concerned) Aunt Zelda look, are you okay? I heard about your break-up with Professor Carlin.

Zelda- Oh please. Getting rid of Arthur is the best thing I could ever have done, and now that the last decent man on the planet wants nothing to do with me, I’m free to return to the carefree, fabulous life of a single woman. <Sob!> Try the haggis while it’s still warm <Sob!>

She flees to the kitchen in tears.

Sabrina- I feel so bad for aunt Zelda. We can’t just sit here and gorge ourselves while she’s in there crying her eyes out.

Salem- Sure we can. Dibs on the snout!

Hilda- Fine, but I get the ears.

Sabrina looks at her aunt and her cat with disgust and heads for the kitchen.

Int. Spellman kitchen. All the pots and pans are out and in use including all the cauldrons. Zelda stands over the number three cauldron adding copious amounts of ‘Tear of witch’ to the smoking brew. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Oh no, aunt Zelda, don’t cry.

Zelda- Oh you’re right. <Sniff!> I’m making the gruel salty.

Sabrina- Oh that’s okay, it’ll cut the sweetness from the calf marrow. I just wanna say, I don’t like the way Professor Carlin treated you.

Zelda- Oh this isn’t just about Arthur. It’s about the monumental mess I’ve made of my love life.

Sabrina- Yeah, aunt Hilda said you’d done a lot of cooking over the years.

Zelda- It’s true, but it’s not the men who’ve walked away from me that I’m upset about, it’s the man I walked away from. Gabriel.

Sabrina- The arc-angel?!

Zelda- No, that was Hilda’s squeeze. My Gabriel was a poet, a free spirited witch who asked me to run away with him, get married, climb the Himalayas, travel the Galaxy. Like a fool I said no and sent him on his merry way.

Sabrina- Why? He sounds so perfect... or is ‘Merry’ a euphemism for something?

Zelda- Well I was a young lass and thought my work and my research were more important than love. Saying no to Gabriel was my biggest regret.

Zelda reaches into her apron pocket and pulls out an old and dog-eared black and white photo of herself and a blond bearded man. They both wear black polo neck sweaters and Zelda sports a beret.

Zelda- (Cont.) Here look. This was taken just before he asked me to marry him.

Sabrina- Wow! He’s, like, a total babe! Look at this guy. I can’t believe you let such a gorgeous hunk get away.

Zelda- <Sob! Sob! Sob!>

Continuing to wail, she runs upstairs.

Sabrina- Okay, well I guess I can scratch therapist off my list of career options.

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. Josh tucks into the sandwich Sabrina has brought for him while she reads the paper. Josh pulls a face and puts down the sandwich.

Josh- Mutton loaf? You can cross sandwich maker off your list of career options.

Sabrina- Hey, did you take this picture?

She shows him a picture in the paper of and elderly couple embracing under the captions ‘Reunited after sixty years.’

Josh- Oh yeah, they’re so sweet. She broke up with him in high school but he carried a torch for her for nearly sixty years until they found each other again.

Sabrina- All that wasted time.

Josh- Yeah. Isn’t it amazing how one decision can change your entire life? I mean, what if they had gotten together back then?

Sabrina- Well she would have spent the last sixty years as Mrs. Henry Hungerdunger.

Josh- Yeah, and we’d be reading about all the great times they’d had together. Wow, if you could only change the past, but you can’t.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Maybe you can’t.

Not under her breath enough as Josh looks at her with the raised eyebrows of ‘Huh?’

Sabrina- (Cont.) Gotta go.

And she does.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s bedroom. Sabrina sits at her desk with Salem beside her as she types on her laptop.

Sabrina- There’s gotta be something on the magic CDRom to change aunt Zelda’s past. Oh I can’t imagine going through life with a giant regret hanging over my head.

Salem- Hey! I regret not invading Iceland when I had the chance but you don’t hear me bellyachin’

Sabrina- If I could just go back in time I could convince her to say yes instead of no and all her problems would be solved. There’s got to be a way.

A bright neon sign magical appears directly over their heads and a disembodied voice comes from it.

Disembodied Voice- There is! Just log on to www.visitthepast.com and your time travel worries will be over.

Sabrina- Talk about direct marketing.

She logs on and the neon sign dissolves as the disembodied voice gets a face on the computer screen.

The Spokesman- Welcome to Visit the past dot com, your other realm Internet time travel specialists. Serving our community for over three and a half weeks.

Sabrina- (To Salem) Look at these choices; right past wrongs, witness the creation of the Universe, find lost keys.

The Spokesman- Now if it’s a specific moment in time you’d like to return to, we’ll need a visual record of the event.

Sabrina- <Gasp!> I know just the thing.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda sits at the table and a quaffs from a large beer stein looking a little tipsy. She notices an old black and white photo propped up against the salt cellar and picks it up. It immediately crumbles into sparkles and vanishes.

Hilda- (Calling out) Aunt Zellie! Have you got any more home made brew? It’s frabulous.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s bedroom. A small cloud a sparkles solidifies into and old black and white photo in Sabrina’s hand. She holds it up to the computer screen.

Sabrina- I want to go back to the moment this picture was taken.

The Spokesman- No problem, but first, I’m required to inform you that Visitthepastdotcomisnotresponsiblefortheoutcomeofyourtrip,orthealteringofthetime/spacecontinuum. Timetravellershavebeenknowntoexperiencenausea,vomitingandprematurehairloss. Taxandlicensenotincluded.

Salem- Your biggest worry will be the fall out if Zelda discovers you’ve been messing around with her life.

Sabrina- Well she’s not exactly thrilled with the way it’s going now. Besides, she doesn’t need to know about it. (To the Spokesman) Anything else?

The Spokesman- Just keep your hands and arms inside the wormhole at all times. Happy travelling.

Sabrina holds the photo against the screen and she shimmers with sparkles before being sucked into it.

Ext. Paris, France, a roadside café, 1960’s. Black is the new black and anyone who’s anyone wouldn’t be seen dead in anything else. Zelda sits with Gabriel at a table, both wearing black polo neck sweaters. Zelda tops hers off with a beret. Gabriel wraps on his tom-toms.

Gabriel- Smart and true.

Some more tom-toms.

Gabriel- Sweet! Not shrew. Brains and beauty. Oh, what a view.

Zelda smiles happily as Gabriel puts downs his drums and gets a ripple of applause from the equally black clad cats at the café.

Zelda- Oh Gabriel, that was inspired.

Gabriel- One guess who inspired it.

He slips his arm around Zelda’s shoulder and leans forward for a tender kiss. With a cough to get their attention a reporter with a camera interrupts.

Beatnik #1- Hey man, I’m doing a ‘Life’ magazine layout on up and coming poets. How about a shot of you and your lady?

Gabriel and Zelda oblige him and he takes the photo that at sometime in the future, when it’s faded and dog eared, will inspire a young witch to do something rash. The reporter leaves just as a young witch in a striped top and beret arrives in a swirl of sparkles with rash written all over her. She looks a little pale and holds her stomach.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Phew, that website guy was right. Time travel does make you nauseous.

Gabriel- (Playing with Zelda’s hair) Zelda, there’s something I have to ask you.

Zelda- Oh, it’s natural, all right.

Gabriel- (Letting go of the hair) No, something much deeper.

Sabrina picks up a waters pad and pencil and hovers nearby listening to what’s being said.

Gabriel- (Cont.) I want us to roam the Galaxy, explore the stars, the sea and the sand. Take each day as it comes together. Zelda Spellman, I love you. Will you marry me?

Zelda- Oh Gabriel, I love you too. But what about my work, my...

Sabrina pounces, jumping forward to interrupt her future aunt.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, wait! Before you say anything...

Zelda- (Interrupting) I beg your pardon. Did you just call me aunt Zelda?

Sabrina- (Under her breath) D’ah! Haven’t been born yet. (Aloud) Er, I meant to do that, y’know, hey daddy-o, hey aunty-o, hip cat sort of way. So, (Flipping her waitress’ pad) what can I get you crazy kids?

Gabriel- Would you excuse us. We’re in the middle of something kind of important over here.

Sabrina- And what is more important than nourishment? (To Zelda) Besides, marrying your soul mate. So if you are lucky enough to find that person - hint-hint! - I suggest taking him up on that offer. (To Gabriel) And trying the shrimp salad; it’s enough for three. Trust me.

Zelda- You’re absolutely right. (To Gabriel) Gabriel, I will marry you. (To Sabrina) And dressing on the side.

Sabrina stops jigging up and down with excitement to scribble down the order.

Gabriel- Zelda, you have made me the happiest man in the world.

They kiss again. Sabrina puts down the pad and wraps Gabriel’s tom-toms.

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo!

Int. Roxie’s bedroom. A swirl of sparkles heralds Sabrina’s return to the future.

Sabrina- Well that went well.

She stands up, feels a little queasy and holds her stomach.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh weird. Time travel makes you nauseous... and hungry.

She leaves her laptop and heads for the door so she doesn’t see her laptop dissolve into glittering sparkles before it vanishes.

Int. College house, Sabrina has her head deep within the bowels of the fridge looking for a snack as Morgan and Roxie enter through the front door, clearly in mid argument.

Morgan- All I’m saying is the hair is a little retro. The whole Cher thing has to go.

Roxie- And all I’m saying is, I’m not taking fashion advice from a woman who dresses like a giant, pink rabbit to go to chem.-lab!

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Hey guys, how old is this cheese?

Morgan- Excuse me, who are you?

Roxie- And why are your grubby hands all over my string cheese?

Sabrina- Sorry. Since when did you get so possessive about your dairy products?

Roxie- Since I saw a complete stranger rummaging through my fridge!

Sabrina- (Confused) I’m not a stranger; I’m your roommate, Sabrina.

Morgan- Right, and I’m Ladybird Johnson.

Miles enters.

Miles- Hey, who’s the chick? And how come she’s allowed to touch your cheese?

Sabrina- (Putting down the cheese) Wait a minute. None of you know who I am?

They all shake their head, no.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Well then I guess I should probably, y’know, go...

As she speaks she is slowly edging towards the bedroom door.

Sabrina- (Copt.) ...check out something on my computer!

She breaks for the bedroom closely followed by her roommates.

Roxie- Stop her!

Int. Roxie’s bedroom. Sabrina wins the race and slams the door shut on them and locking it with a flick of her finger. As they continue to bang on the door.

Sabrina- Okay, there’s got to be a simple explanation. I’ll just log onto that website and...

She turns round to find her laptop missing from the desk.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey! Where’s my computer?

She looks around the room.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Where’s all my stuff?!

Everything that belonged to Sabrina is gone as though she had never lived there.

Roxie- (OS) I’m busting this door down in three (Bang) two (Bang) one (Bang)

There’s no more time to wonder so Sabrina zaps herself and vanishes in a swirl of sparkles just as the door gives way to the assault of Roxie, Miles and Morgan who come tumbling into the room.

Morgan- She’s gone?

Miles- God, that felt great! I’ve always dreamt of kicking in a door.

Roxie- And since I did the kicking, you can keep on dreaming.

She dusts off her hands and heads back into the living room satisfied that she’s seen the last of the weird blonde girl.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Sabrina arrives in a sparkly sort of way.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, don’t panic. I’ll just slip in, grab my magic book and make sense of what’s going on.

That’s if she can first make sense of why her door key wont open the door.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Which would be a lot easier if my key fit the lock!

Fortunately Zelda hears the key rattling and opens the door for her.

Zelda- I thought I heard someone at the door. Sabrina, what are you doing?

Sabrina enters.

Int. Spellman living room. Things are much changed. Darker furniture give the old place a different atmosphere with leather arm chairs. An old set of Tom-toms sit on the table.

Sabrina- Oh, y’know, I just came over to say hi and grab a couple o’ things from my old room. Hey, where’s the piano?

Zelda- Sabrina, are you all right?

Sabrina- Yeah, I’m fine.

Zelda- Really? Because we’ve never had a piano and you don’t have a room here, old or otherwise.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Okay, this is house number two I’ve never lived in.

The sliding doors to the dining room slide open to reveal Gabriel and his guests all wearing the new black, which looks very like the old black.

Gabriel- Sabrina, always a delight to see you in our home.

Sabrina- Well something worked out right... You are married, right?

Gabriel- Of course. We’ve been married for years.

Sabrina- Ha! No need to thank me.

Gabriel- Why would we?

Zelda- Something’s definitely wrong with her. She also thinks she used to live here.

Sabrina- Oh, this is what happens when you eat a whole can of frosting for breakfast. Ha-ha-ha-ha! So, refresh my memory, which isn’t as good as it used to be, where would I find aunt Hilda?

Zelda- Sabrina, now you’re really scaring me dear. You live with Hilda and Salem.

Gabriel- God, I hate that smug potty-mouth... and I’m not crazy about the cat either.

Zelda- Gabriel!

Gabriel- All right. (To Sabrina) Would you excuse me, I’m hosting a salon.

He leaves and joins his other guests.

Zelda- Today, they’re discussing which came first; the poet or the rhyme?

Sabrina- Oh well, I’m waiting for the movie. Okay, Well I’ll let you two get back to your domestic bliss and I’ll just... go to my place.

She heads towards the door but stops and turns.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You wouldn’t happen to know the address, would you?

Int. Hilda’s living room. It’s purple and blue walls are set off by the pink chairs and settee but it’s hard to tell as everything is littered with discarded clothing, plates and magazines. There’s a rattle at the door and a second later Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- (To herself) Well the key fits so, unfortunately, this must be home.

Hilda comes from her bedroom dressed as a waiter.

Hilda- Finally! You know you forgot to fold up your cot this morning.

Sabrina- Why are you dressed like that?

Hilda- I’m trying to class up the act a little. Salem’s idea; he’s a genius.

Sabrina spots the easel with the board on which reads. ‘America’s Favorite Ventriloquist, Hilda Spellman, and her cat, Salem’

Sabrina- You’re a ventriloquist?

Hilda- Of course I am.

Salem- Yep!

He jumps up onto the back of the pink settee wearing a white jacket and bow tie.

Hilda- Me and my dummy are going straight to the top.

Salem- That is if my dummy’d quit movin’ her lips and let me do the talking.

Hilda- If I don’t move my lips people will think I’m not doing anything.

Salem- And that, Einstein, would be the act!

There’s a rumble and the whole apartment begins to vibrate. Sabrina grabs the settee for support.

Sabrina- Whoa! What’s going on?

The train passes and the shaking stops.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Why do we live in a dump?

Hilda- Hey! What are you complaining about? You’ve got a roof over your head.

The roof in question chooses that moment to become a floor as Sabrina covers her head.

Hilda- (Cont.) More or less.

Sabrina- Oh, I don’t get any of this. I mean, I’m supposed to be in college.

Hilda- (Laughing) Yeah right. Between your grades and what a ventriloquist brings home, I don’t think so.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, there’s something I have to tell you. I went back in time and convinced aunt Zelda to marry Gabriel and screwed up everything.

Hilda- What?

Sabrina- This isn’t our real life. In reality, aunt Zelda didn’t marry Gabriel, we all live together and you were very happy, owned a successful business and were dating the president of a University... and no one considered the cat the brains of the operation.

Salem- She’s lying!

Hilda- You inflicted this life on me?!

She leaps at her niece with her hands clawed to exact sweet vengeance but Sabrina’s ready for the attack and dodges aside.

Sabrina- Yes, but I’m sure I can get it back... Well, I’m pretty sure. I just have to get back on that website. Now where’s your computer?

Hilda- (Sarcastic) Oh, I sent it out to get detailed along with Rolls Royce.

Salem- Hey Hildie, chop-chop. It’s show time.

Hilda- (Picking up Salem) Oh right. (To Sabrina) Now, if you’ll excuse me, Salem and I are booked at the Off Ramp Inn on route seventeen. We’re opening for Carrot Top.

They leave.

Sabrina- (To herself) Where am I going to find a computer?

She sits down on the pink settee and picks up an old, discarded newspaper. A thought flashes into being.

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. Sabrina tentatively approaches Josh at his desk.

Sabrina- Hi.

Josh- There you are! I was getting worried about you.

Sabrina’s so delighted that he still knows her that she throws her arms around him.

Sabrina- Oh thank goodness! I know this isn’t going to make any sense to you but I don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t know who I was. Hold me!

She throws her arms around him again and hugs him. There’s a pretty brunet reporter standing at the photocopier who isn’t impressed by the scene.

Reporter- Josh, what’s going on?

Josh- No idea. I said ‘Hi’ and the chicken delivery girl kinda freaked out.

Sabrina- (Jumping back startled) Delivery girl?!

Josh- Yeah, and where’s our twelve piece combo? We’ve been waiting over an hour.

Sabrina- Oh my god, I’m a chicken delivery girl?!

Josh- And a really bad one. (To the reporter) Oh let’s just grab something across the street.

He leaves following after the very angry reporter.

Josh- (Cont.) I swear I don’t even know her! All of a sudden she just started pawing at me.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, I guess the lesson here is; in future, I won’t change the past.

After Josh and his girlfriend have left Sabrina sits at Josh’s desk and get’s to work on his computer.

Computer- Please enter your Other Realm password.

Sabrina- (Typing) Sabrina is hot. www.visitthepast.com.

There’s an error message.

Sabrina-(Cont.)(Angry) What do you mean, out of business?! You can’t do this to me!

She grabs the flat screen monitor and shakes it angrily. The spokesman on the screen staggers and wobbles.

The Spokesman- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Calm down blondie, we had to close down because of unforeseen complications.

Sabrina- Oh let me guess. Changing the past destroyed all of your customers lives?

The Spokesman- Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

Sabrina- What am I supposed to do now?

The Spokesman- Well you could visit me at my new website. www.usedcauldrons.com We’ve got some super deals on handmade pots. We’ve got...

Sabrina hits the Escape button and sits dejected.

Sabrina- (To herself) Great! There’s got to be someway to get my old life back, or at least figure out who I am in this life.

She spots a girl at the water cooler looking at oddly as she talks to herself.

Sabrina- (Snappy) Hey! Who are you looking at?!

The girl takes her drink and leaves.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Apparently I’m kinda rude.

Harvey enters with a large carrier bag and walks over to Sabrina.

Harvey- Sabrina, there you are.

Sabrina- (Pleased to see him) Harvey!

Harvey- Your behaviour is totally unacceptable. When I agreed to hire you at the Chicken Shack, you and your probation officer promised me you’d clean up your act.

Sabrina- I’m on probation?! And you’re the manager at the Chicken Shack?!

Harvey- Assistant manager, but I’m still your boss. Now put your hat on.

Sabrina- I don’t have a hat...

Harvey has reached into the carrier bag and pulled out a paper hat with a chickens head at the front and a feathery butt at the bag and jammed it on Sabrina’s head. Very fetching.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh I should have seen that coming. We aren’t, by any chance, dating, are we?

Harvey- Oh come on Sabrina, you know the Chicken Shack frowns upon that.

Sabrina- Well if you know me and Josh knows me, then maybe I can just recreate my old life and it’ll be like nothing ever happened.

Harvey- I don’t care what you do... as long as you do it in the chicken mobile!

He shoves the large carrier back full of chicken deliveries into her arms and leaves.

Int. College house. Miles, Morgan and Roxie are home when there’s a knock at the door. Roxie gets up from the table to answer. It’s the chick from Chicken Shack.

Sabrina- Hi, it’s me again.

Roxie- You must have a death wish. What are you doing back?

Sabrina enters and puts her big back of chicken on the table.

Sabrina- Well we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot and I thought we could start afresh over a bucket of thighs.

Morgan- I’ll take an explanation instead. What do you want?

Sabrina- Nothing. I just thought, y’know, maybe we could be friends. Maybe I could enrol at Adams, move in here and, who knows, maybe my presence will bring us all a little closer together.

Miles- It might... if you reveal your secret recipe of your eleven herbs and spices?

Sabrina- Well believe me, I would if I could, but I just wanna say that I really really like you guys and if you don’t take me in I’ll be forced to live by the railroad tracks with my ventriloquist aunt and her smart mouthed cat.

Morgan- Okay, I think we have a situation here.

Miles- Just back away from the chicken and no one will get hurt.

He grabs the chicken while Roxie grabs Sabrina and forcibly guides her to the door.

Sabrina- Would this have gone any better if I had brought gravy?

The door closes in her face.

Int. The Off Ramp Inn. On the tiny stage Hilda stands at the microphone with her hand up the back of Salem’s jacket. Salem does the talking but Hilda mouths the words a split second behind him.

Salem- ...So I says to the guy, that’s no alley cat, that’s my mudder.

No one in the audience reacts at all. Sabrina enters and makes her way slowely towards the stage.

Salem- (Aside to Hilda) You’re moving your lips again.

Hilda- (Aside) I thought we settled this?

Customer- (Yelling) You stink!

They start throwing peanuts at the stage and booing.

Hilda- Okay. Well I think we’re gonna take a little break. Anybody wanna buy me a drink?

No one in the audience reacts at all. Sabrina comes over to them still wearing her silly chicken hat.

Sabrina- This is your act?

Hilda- You should have been here for our first set, one guy was on the floor.

Salem- He was having a heart attack.

Hilda- So, any luck getting our old lives back?

Sabrina- Well, you’ve got your hand up a cats butt and I’m riding around town in a paper hat. What do you think?

Hilda- Hey! You’re the one who altered history!

Sabrina- I’m sorry. I know this is all my fault, I just can’t figure a way out of it.

Hilda- I can only think of one person who could possibly fix things, but she and I don’t really speak.

Sabrina- Who’s that?

Hilda- Your aunt Zelda. We haven’t gotten along since she and that poet - yeah right - got married.

Sabrina- Every time you say something, I feel worse.

Salem- Welcome to my world.

Hilda- I guess we have no choice. We’re just going to have to tell Zelda what you did.

Sabrina- But if we tell her, then she’ll find out that her perfect life is just the result of a magical contrivance. We can’t ask her to give up her happiness for us.

Hilda- Why not?

Sabrina- Look. There’s got to be a way for aunt Zelda to keep her perfect life and for us to get ours back. If I could just get my hands on a magic book.

Hilda- Zelda’s got tons of them. We’ll go right after we finish our next set.

Customer- (Passing) Go now.

Hilda- We’ll go now.

She grabs Salem and they leave.

Ext. Spellman back yard. Sabrina, Hilda and Salem look in through the dinning room window and the party that is going on.

Hilda- Virtual strangers, they treat like royalty but family, nothing but dirty looks and restraining orders.

They see Zelda and Gabriel heading into the kitchen and go to the door to join them, but are brought up short when they hear.

Zelda- (Angry) Unreasonable? Since when is it unreasonable to want to spend an evening alone?

Gabriel- Zelda, please, our guests.

Zelda- Guests? Don’t you mean leeches! I am sick and tired of waiting on you and your pathetic posse of parasitic poets!

Gabriel- Leave the alliteration to the professionals.

Zelda- Professional implies you actually get paid for what you do.

Gabriel- Oh it always comes down to money, doesn’t it?

Zelda- It does when one of us has to work three jobs in order to support us.

Gabriel- You wanted to marry an artist!

Sabrina- (To Hilda) Yeah, a con artist.

Zelda- (To Gabriel) You promised to show me the Galaxy. The closest I’ve gotten is the inside of your Ford Galaxy and, even then, you brought your stupid friends!

Gabriel- What are you saying? You regret marrying me?

Zelda- Every single day of my life.

Gabriel- Well you did and now you’re stuck with me. So could you hurry dinner along? The boys are getting a little peckish.

Zelda notices three faces at the kitchen door.

Zelda- Oh, well, look who’s here. Don’t stand out in the cold.

She opens the door and lets them in.

Int. Spellman kitchen.

Gabriel- Well-well-well, look what the cat dragged in.

Hilda- Oh hi. You know I really enjoyed your last book of poetry, although I would have enjoyed it even more if they had published it on two-ply.

Gabriel goes off in a huff to join his pathetic posse while Zelda suppresses a laugh.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, this is perfect. I know exactly how to get you out of your horrible marriage... which is kinda my fault to begin with.

Zelda- (Defensive) I don’t know what you’re talking about. Gabriel and I have never been happier. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have guests.

She heads for the dinning room.

Hilda- (To Sabrina) Happy? What does she take us for, complete idiots? (On Salem’s intake of breath) Not a word!

Sabrina- Clearly she’s in denial. Do you know where she keeps her magic books?

Hilda- In the front hall.

Sabrina- And can you distract a room full of poets?

Hilda- Easy.

Salem- With your clothes on?

Hilda- Oh.

Int. Spellman living room. In the background Sabrina stands at the book stand thumbing through the magic book while Hilda enthral an audience of pathetic poets with her amazing talking cat.

Salem- ...So I says to the guy, that’s no alley cat, that’s my mudder.

Hilda’s lips stop moving a moment later and the enthralled audience become comatose. Meanwhile Sabrina continues searching through the book.

Sabrina- (Reading under her breath) Time. Time. Time in a bottle. Time... Subscribe Time magazine. Time travel! Perfect.

And Gabriel chooses that moment to come up behind her.

Gabriel- Going somewhere?

Sabrina- (Startled) No! I mean, I wasn’t. I was er you know er, I lost my keys. I thought that...

Gabriel- (Interrupting) I really don’t think time travel is something you want be playing around with, Sabrina.

Sabrina- Believe me, you’re preaching to the choir.

Sabrina glances over to Hilda and gestures that she needs to get rid of Gabriel.

Hilda- Hey, have any of you ever heard my impression of Gabriel’s "poetry"?

Suddenly the comatose audience is attentive.

Salem- (Aside to Hilda) This isn’t part of the act.

Hilda- (Ignoring him) It’s called ‘Ode to a big, fat ego’.
I think that I shall never see.
Someone as talent less as me.
Oh others may be mediocre...?

Sabrina- Oh, she rhymed herself into a corner there. Mediocre?

Gabriel- Excuse me while I go and... choke her. You and I aren’t finished.

He leaves.

Sabrina- Oh yes we are. (Turning back to the book) ‘I need to mend the present and return to the past. If I don’t get my old live back, I’ll spend my days at the Chicken Shack’ Phew! Talk about bad poetry.

She points at herself to activate the incantation and vanishes in a swirl of sparkles.

Ext. Paris, France, a roadside café, 1960’s. Sabrina’s back in her stripy top and beret outside the same roadside café. Zelda still gazes lovingly into Gabriel’s eyes. Sabrina grabs her order pad and pencil and sidles closer.

Gabriel- Zelda Spellman, I love you. Will you marry me?

Zelda- Oh Gabriel, I love you too, but what about my work, my...?

Sabrina- (Interrupting and pulling Zelda aside) No, wait! Don’t do it. Look, I know you don’t know me... well you might, it’s hard to keep track, but I’m begging you, see him for who he really is. He’s a user, he’ll never live up to any of his promises, your life, and everyone else’s life, will be miserable and, besides that, he’s really an awful poet.

Zelda- I was gonna say no anyway, but thanks for your support... whoever you are.

Sabrina- (Happy) You’re welcome. Carry on then.

Zelda sits back down to give Gabriel the bad news while Sabrina does a little dance and gives Gabriel’s bongos a quick wrap.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda are sat on the settee with no trace of Gabriel and his gang of poets. Sabrina materialises beside them with a little stagger.

Hilda- Sabrina, hi! What’s going on?

Zelda- Honey, are you alright?

Sabrina- I’m not sure yet. Are you now or have you ever been married?

Zelda- No.

Sabrina- (Hugging her aunt tightly) Oh I’m so happy for you.

Hilda- (To Zelda) I’m guessing, spell gone awry.

Sabrina- Look, I know you’re upset about Professor Carlin, but I just want you to know that you definitely made the right decision about Gabriel.

Zelda- Oh, I’m sure I did.

Sabrina- You are? But what about all the regrets you had yesterday about not marrying him?

Zelda- Oh, well every time a relationship ends I think of Gabriel and then I remember the bad poetry, the hangers on and the fact that he always forgot his wallet. Thank God I didn’t end up with that deadbeat.

Hilda- Loser.

Sabrina- And you couldn’t have told me all this yesterday?

Zelda- You didn’t ask.

Sabrina’s bright smile dissolves into sobs.

Int. College house. Sabrina enters very tentatively and sees Morgan sat in front of the TV.

Sabrina- Hi, I’m home.

Morgan- What are you doing here?

Sabrina- Oh, for the love of...! Look, you’re just going to have to believe me, okay! My name is Sabrina, I’m your roommate, we’re friends, I go to college here, we work together at the coffee house, I don’t deliver chicken, nor have I ever. Is that clear?!

She slumps down onto the settee beside the startled Morgan.

Morgan- Perfectly... but I still don’t know what you’re doing here. You were supposed to meet Josh at the coffee house twenty minutes ago.

Sabrina- Oops. Ha-ha. Never mind. Gotta go.

She jumps up and leaves.

Morgan- And people think I’m this ditzy one.

Run Credits.



Pic of the Week