Sabrina And The Candidate

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Election time is round the corner and Zelda, Roxie and Miles have all thrown their lot in with the handsome and charismatic candidate, Robert Russell. They’re holding a rally for him at the coffee shop while the impartial Spellmans make the most of it. Hilda is raking in the cash selling everyone coffee and Sabrina is covering the rally for the Boston Citizen. Zelda moves through the placard-waving crowd to the podium where Mr. Russell is waiting.

Zelda- Hello everyone, thanks for coming. You know, they say that an honest politician is as hard to find as a quark in the triangulan galaxy. (On everyone’s look) Trust me, it’s really really hard, but the man I am here to support, Robert Russell, is that quark.

There is a ripple of applause throughout the coffee shop. Sabrina sidles up beside Hilda with her notepad.

Sabrina- Does anybody know how you spell ‘Quark’?

Hilda- No, but I like the word though. Quark! Quark! Quark!

Sabrina- Stop quarking, I’m trying to take notes.

Hilda- Sabrina, this is so exciting, you getting to write a big election story for the newspaper.

Sabrina- Technically, I’m not writing the story. I’m just taking notes and bringing a large coffee order back to the office.

Hilda- Even better, since I’ve just raised the price of lattes to four-fifty a cup.

Sabrina- Well I don’t plan on delivering coffee forever. If I could learn everything there is to know about Russell’s campaign, then Mike would have to let me write the story. Before you know it, I’ll be the papers top political pundit.

Hilda- Pundit! I like it, but it’s no quark.

Meanwhile, Zelda’s rousing campaign speech has been continuing.

Zelda- Robert Russell is an encyclopedia on the ins and outs of local government. No one is better informed on the issues.

Miles and Roxie sit ready at the ‘Voter Registration’ table. Morgan bands down between them.

Morgan- Is it wrong to vote for someone just because he’s hot?

Roxie- How do you think Nixon got elected?

Miles- You know you can only vote if you register.

Morgan- I’m not registering until I get married... (Pointing at Mr. Russell) Hopefully to him.

The introduction goes on.

Zelda- ...banging in the doors of the Civic Hall...

Hilda- (Aside to Sabrina) Where were all the hunky politicians when I was young? Did you ever see a picture of James Madison?

Sabrina- Yeah. No wonder Dolly was always making snack-cakes.

Zelda- ...So without any further ado, I would like to introduce to you, to your next city councilman, Mr. Robert Russell.

She stands aside and Mr. Russell takes her place at the podium to more applause.

Mr. Russell- I thank you. I thank you for coming out, everybody. Err, It’s especially gratifying to have a rally in a neighborhood where I grew up. Of course, that was before it started to become gentrified with exorbitantly high rents, but we haven’t lost the battle yet. If I’m elected, I promise to fight for this district and protect our citizens from senseless price gouging.

Hilda- (Aside to the rapidly scribbling Sabrina) I love this guy.

Mr. Russell- Why should you have to pay four-fifty for a cup of coffee?

Hilda- (Aside to Sabrina) I hate this guy.

She flicks her finger and the cup of four-fifty Joe that he was about to take a sip from spills down his shirt and tie.

Hilda- (Cont.) Sabrina, there’s your story. Robert Russell has a drinking problem.

But he has absolutely no problem attracting the ladies as a whole bunch of then dash forward to mop up his shirt, including Zelda and Morgan.

Sabrina- Well, it doesn’t seem to be hurting his popularity.

Run opening credits.

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. Josh walks down stairs accompanied by Sabrina and reading the latest election data.

Josh- (Reading) Well according to this pole, Russell has eighty-four percent of the vote. It's no wonder the other candidates dropped out of the race.

Sabrina- I’m not surprised. I mean, after you see him in person you realize why everyone thinks he’s so hot. (On Josh’s look) I mean, politically astute... Objectively speaking, of course.

Josh- Of course. So do you really think Mike’ll let you right a story about the campaign?

Mike enters unseen and strolls up behind Sabrina.

Sabrina- He should! Nobody knows more about Russell than I do. I mean, I know where he stands on tax rebates, domestic partner benefits... even breakfast, just juice and coffee.

I guess that’s how he stays so...

Josh- (Interrupting) Politically astute?

Mike- Y’know before you start smearing his bagel, you might wanna check out this latest candidate to join the race. I think you might know even more about this one.

He holds up a pamphlet ‘Vote Hilda Spellman’

Sabrina- Nope! Don’t know her.

Mike- Isn’t your last name Spellman?

Sabrina- Only until I go to the courthouse and get it changed.

Josh- Sabrina, why is your aunt running for political office?

Sabrina- It’s got to be a joke, she doesn’t know anything about politics!

Josh- She didn’t know anything about coffee, it didn’t stop her buying a coffee house.

Mike- And this woman’s running for city council?

Sabrina- Not as long as there’s breath in my body. The city must be saved! (On their looks) Gotta go.

She leaves. Mike and Josh look at each other and shrug.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina follows Hilda in waving the flyer at her and walks past hats and posters saying ‘Elect Hilda Spellman to the City Council’ Zelda follows.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, why are you doing this?

Zelda- I’ll tell you why, because she knows how deeply committed I am to getting Russell elected and she’s doing it for spite!

Hilda- No! Spite was when I jammed my feet into you three hundred dollar heals. I’m running for office because someone has to look out for the good people of Westbridge.

Sabrina- And that someone is me! I will not let you make a mockery of everything this country stands for. (To Zelda) That would have sounded a lot more convincing if I was wearing a cape.

Hilda- Somebody has to look out for the small business owner. Plus, Robert Russell publicly stated that my coffee was too expensive. Well do you know what I’m saying to him? You’re going down!

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, Robert Russell is a highly respected member of the community with vast experience in local government!

Zelda- And you are a political ignoramus... with very wide feet!

Hilda leaves off blowing her plastic, toy windmill to glare at her sister.

Hilda- All right! So I don’t know every little thing about politics but I’m a quick study and I’m getting the best consultants money can buy.

She points and with a fanfare and a large puff of smoke, three very surprised men appear in the living room.

Hilda- Okay fellas, What’s my campaign strategy?

Abraham Lincoln- You’re runnin’? It’ll take four score and seven years to get any voted for you.

Theodore Roosevelt- Even I wouldn’t charge up that hill.

Thomas Jefferson- Here’s a declaration of independence. We’re out of here!

He waves his finger and the three of them vanish… with a lot less smoke.

Sabrina- Well you can’t argue with three dead presidents.

Hilda- (Taking a swig of her milk) They’re just a bunch of old fogies, They don’t understand modern politics. Today’s voters want a regular person in office. Somebody just like me.

Zelda- A six hundred year old witch... with a milk moustache?

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, you don’t stand a chance. Robert Russell has eighty-four percent of the vote, and I’m guessing no one’s going to go for your campaign slogan. He dissed me, now let’s diss him back.

Salem enters and jumps up onto the back of the settee.

Salem- Here’s something that’ll sway voters. Robert Russell is an underhanded slime ball!

Hilda- I knew it!

Zelda- Salem, you do not go around making accusations unless you have something to back them up?

Salem- Which is why I've got something to back it up. Per Hildie’s prodding, I went out looking for dirt, and once I finished rolling around in it, I observed Russell with some very shady characters.

Hilda- Oh! Shady characters. Sabrina, you wanted to write a story, it ‘s been handed to you on a silver platter.

Sabrina- I can see the headline now: "Talking cat sees shady characters" Aunt Hilda, there is no story.

Salem- True! The story’s at Russell’s house, and whoever would like to accompany me there will see this cat knows whereof he speaks.

Zelda- Salem, no one is going with you to violate a mans privacy.

Hilda- Which plays into my plan perfectly. I run with the unsubstantiated rumour and there is no evidence to dispute it.

Sabrina- (To Zelda) I’ll drive!

Ext. Mr. Russell’s back yard. All is still in the night until the lids of the three trashcans by the window rise up. Three heads poke out of them, Zelda, Sabrina and Salem, and violate a mans privacy. They see the man in question, Robert Russell, with his six-year-old daughter in his knee while he reads her a story.

Sabrina- Yeah, this story’s big all right. A man reading ‘Cat in a hat’ to his daughter.

Salem- I love that book! So much more accessible than ‘Hop on Pop’

Zelda- Salem, just as I expected, this is a total waste of time.

Salem- Hardly! This trashcan has some of the most outstanding fish heads I’ve ever eaten.

Sabrina- Yuck! Let’s go home.

They’re about to leave as Mr. Russell packs his little girl off to bed. Ha puts her two dolls down on the settee as the doorbell rings.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh wait! Something’s happening.

Mr. Russell opens the door and lets in a shady character. He a small man in a flat cap and scruffily dressed.

Salem- Oh, that’s one of the lowlifes I saw him with earlier. He’s suckin’ on the same toothpick. How gross is that?

Sabrina- This from a guy who eats fish heads out of a trashcan.

Zelda- I can’t see what’s going on.

Sabrina- Well we have to get closer, but first, we have to get all dolled up.

She points.

Int. Mr. Russell’s living room. The two dolls sitting on the settee look around and at each other.

Sabrina, the doll- Wow! I never liked gingham but this totally works.

Zelda, the doll- Maybe for you. My bloomers are stitched to my waist.

Sabrina, the doll- Time to accessorize.

She holds up her right hand and points with her left. Suddenly she’s holding a camcorder and pointing it at Mr. Russell as he opens the hinged picture over the fireplace, then the safe and reaches in to take out a handful of envelopes. He opens one and checks the money that it contains.

Sabrina, the doll- (Aside to Zelda, the doll) Oh my gosh, Robert Russell is buying votes!

Mr. Russell- All right Stan, you know the drill. Deliver this to the appropriate constituents.

He hands the envelope to the shady guy.

Mr. Russell- (Cont.) And not a word about who they’re from, and erm, listen, tell Louie to be here tomorrow night. I have some money for his people too, all right?

He sees the little guy out of his house.

Zelda, the doll- (Crying) <Sob!> Salem was right! He is a slim ball! <Sob!> Waaaaaaaaah!

Sabrina, the doll- Aunt Hilda, I know you’re disappointed but don’t cry.

Zelda, the doll- I can’t help it, I’m a Baby cries a lot <Sob!>

Sabrina, the doll- Be thankful you’re not a Wendy Wee-wee, my bladders about to burst. Let’s get out o’ here. I’ve gotta get this tape down to the newspaper before...

Mr. Russell has come back in.

Sabrina, the doll- (Cont.) ...Mama! Mama!

He picks the two dolls up and looks at the oddly.

Mr. Russell- I could have sworn I heard these two dolls having a conversation.

Zelda, the doll- Waaaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaaaaah!

Sabrina, the doll- Got to go wee-wee! Got to go wee-wee!

He drops the back on the settee and leaves with a shake of his head.

Sabrina, the doll- There goes that diaper! <Sigh>

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. The film that Sabrina has taken is being shown before the staff.

Josh- This footage is amazing! It’s like there’s actually a camera inside Russell’s house. Sabrina, how did you know this was even going on?

Sabrina- A cat tipped me off. (On everyone’s look) And I’m jiggy with that, man!

The shady guy walks into the picture.

Mike- Hold on, I know this guy. We ran a piece on him when he was convicted for selling stolen TVs.

Josh- You’re right! Crazy Larry! No-no, wait. Crazy Larry’s was the store he stole them from.

Sabrina- Forget Crazy Larry. Why is Robert Russell giving money to an ex-con? I’ll tell you why, because he’s buying votes. But maybe it goes beyond that. Maybe this guy is Russell’s link to wide network of shady dealings. I mean, maybe what seems like a local scandal really involves the whole city! The state! And, who knows, maybe even an international cover-up! (On their look) It could happen.

Josh- You’ve still got a huge story. The most popular and supposedly upstanding politician in the district is a crook.

Mike- Whoa-whoa-whoa, you’re getting way ahead of yourselves. We don’t print word one until I interview Russell. Once I get his side of the story, then you can start writing.

He leaves into his office.

Josh- (Looking at the TV) Call me crazy, but that doll is a dead ringer for your aunt Zelda.

Sabrina- No way! That doll has a butt.

She quickly turns off the TV.

Int. The elect Hilda Spellman HQ aka Hilda’s Coffee House. A lot of Russell’s previous support has now swung to Hilda, including Miles who reads the article in the Boston Citizen.

Miles- (Reading) "Would be councilman bankrolls ex-con. Russell responds with ‘No comment’"

Morgan- (Taking the paper from him) Wow! Even in grainy black and white, he’s totally hot.

Zelda- It’s so sad, there are no heroes left.

Hilda- D’you know what you need Zellie? A new hero.

She take’s one of her ‘Elect Hilda’ buttons puts it on Zelda’s sweater, stabbing her in the process.

Zelda- (In pain) And a tetanus shot!

Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Hi.

Hilda- And here’s my hero!

She hugs her niece.

Hilda- (Cont.) Sabrina, I am going to be Westbridge’s new councilwoman and it’s all because of you.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, I wrote that article because people have a right to know the truth, not to help someone who’s completely unqualified for the job.

Hilda- Jeeze! Learn to take a compliment will ya?

She goes back behind the counter.

Miles- So Sabrina, if Russell won’t comment, what do you suppose he’s hiding?

Zelda- I can’t stand this! I don’t wanna know!

She covers her ears and dashes off.

Sabrina- Which works out well because I don’t have a clue.

Hilda- Isn’t it your job to find out?

Sabrina- Yes, but I can’t do anything until I finish my shift here.

Hilda- Oh don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, Missy. You go and take all the time you need, and don’t come back until you’ve completely destroyed that man. Oh, and take a muffin.

She gives her a brownie and pushes her towards the door.

Ext. Mr. Russell’s back yard. Only one of the three trashcans lids moves as Sabrina’s head pops out to spy through his window. She sees Mr. Russell handing thick envelopes full of cash to a rough looking guy.

Sabrina- (To herself) That must be Louie. Time to find out where that cash is headed.

Int. Mr. Russell’s living room. The face on one of the hundred dollar bills in Mr. Russell’s hand changes. While keeping the long hair and receding hairline of Benjamin Franklin, the face is all Sabrina’s.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Wow! I am so money.

She is also stuffed into an envelope and then into Louie’s pocket.

Ext. Downtown Westbridge. Louie is standing outside a rundown tenement building with a hard-pressed single mother and her two children. He smiles as the mother opens the envelope and sees the money. She doesn’t, however, notice the talking head on one of the bills.

Sabrina- Phew! Next time I get an envelope with a window. Okay, let’s see what kind of sleazy little scheme I’m being used for.

Mother- (To Louie) Thank you so much! I’ve been out of work for three months and I didn’t know how I was gonna pay my rent.

Sabrina- Perhaps sleazy was a bit of an overstatement.

Mother- Where did this money come from?

Louie- The giver wishes to remain anonymous, but I can tell you this... he’s a saint.

Sabrina- Great! I just wrote a scathing article about a saint!

Mother- He’s more than a saint; he’s an angel.

Sabrina- And I just lopped off his wings!

Mother- Come on kids, we can finally stop ducking the landlord.

Sabrina- Well, as much as I’d like to be used for rent, I’ve a mans reputation to save.

She points and the face on the hundred dollar bill matches the rest of the picture.

Ext. The streets of Westbridge. Sabrina walks round the corner attracting stares from everyone around her. Sabrina’s oblivious to it as she talks to herself.

Sabrina- Okay, I’ll just talk to Mike. Get him to print a retraction. I mean, he’ll understand. He’s...

She suddenly notices that everyone is staring at her and looks down, finally realising that her Ben Franklin spell isn’t completely reversed.

Sabrina- (Aloud) Hey! It’s Ben Franklin day down at er Colin Davies motors. We’re clearing the lot, so come and check out all the deals. The first fifty people through the door get a free kite.

With a smile she runs off.

Int. The Elect Hilda Spellman HQ. Miles has some info.

Miles- Well, I just downloaded the latest polls.

Hilda- (Dashing over) Oh let me see! Let me see!

Miles- (Reading) "Cases of asthma are up seventeen percent", even higher in my family.

Hilda- (Snatching the paper from him) The political polls! (Reading) Oh no, I’m down. Way way down.

Miles turns the sheet of paper the other way up.

Hilda- (Cont.)(Exited) Oh up! I’m way way up!

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. Sabrina stalks Mike’s heals around the office.

Sabrina- Russell’s not buying votes! He’s giving money to the poor. You have to write a retraction!

Mike- I can’t run a retraction. First off: you didn’t bring me any prove, secondly: I just got off the phone with Russell, he still says "No comment."

Josh- I don’t get it! He’s doing incredibly generous things for people.

Sabrina- Yeah, why would he wanna hide that?

Mike- Gee, that is a good question. Y’know, if I wanted the answer, I wonder who could get it for me? (On their blank expressions) Let’s see, this is a newspaper. Perhaps somebody who wants to be a reporter? (Still a blank look) Sabrina, do you know anybody like that?

Sabrina- What about me? (On Mike’s look) Oh, you meant me.

Mike- Go! Go-go-go!

Sabrina hurries off. Mike and Josh exchange a look and a shrug.

Int. Mr. Russell’s living room. The doorbell rings and Mr. Russell answers it.

Mr. Russell- Hi, may I help you?

Sabrina- Hi. You don’t know me... Well you kinda know me. Well you probably know my name, Sabrina Spellman. I wrote that article in the Boston Citizen.

Mr. Russell- Oh.

He slams the door to, but a slight touch of magic and it swings back again before closing. He looks at the door with a frown as Sabrina takes her chance.

Sabrina- Look, I know you’re really a good guy and you’re giving that money to the poor but why are you trying to hide it?

Mr. Russell- Why would I tell you, of all people?

Sabrina- Because I unfairly damaged your reputation and now I just wanna help you, but I can’t help you unless you let me... help you. This isn’t helping is it?

Mr. Russell- Why don’t you come on in?

He stands aside and waves her in.

Mr. Russell- (Cont.) Look, the reason I wasn’t completely forthcoming was because I was afraid the media would spin news unfairly.

Sabrina- You mean like they already did? They, being me. Me, being really sorry. Did I mention that?

Mr. Russell- Sabrina, I gave the money anonymously because I wanted to help families and give them a second chance, but I didn’t want people to think that I was buying votes.

Sabrina- Makes sense to me, (Reaching for her tape recorder) and if you go on record with that, I’m sure I can clear this whole mess up.

Mr. Russell- Fine, I go on record... but I’m not going to give you the names of the families I’ve been helping out. I wanna respect their privacy.

Sabrina- Hey, if there’s one reporter who understands respecting privacy, it’s me... starting now.

Int. The Elect Hilda Spellman HQ. Sabrina’s on shift but stands idly beside Zelda while her aunt reads her latest article for the Boston Citizen.

Zelda- (Reading) "Russell says money was gift for the poor." Excellent work Sabrina, I knew he was innocent.

Sabrina- And now everybody does. The playing field is, once again, level.

Miles enters waving a sheet of paper.

Miles- Okay, here’s the latest poll. (Reading) Jennifer Lopez; still hot, Robert Russell; still... not.

Hilda- (Worried) I’m running against Jennifer Lopez?!

Sabrina- I don’t believe this! After everything I did to try to redeem this man, people still think guilty!

Zelda- It’s a lot easier to destroy a reputation than it is to build one back up. I’m still trying to convince people that nothing happened between me and Magellan on that ship! (On Everyone’s look) Mike Magellan; catamaran salesman; Nantucket.

Morgan- I feel so bad for Russell, I wish there was something that I could do.

Sabrina- You and me both!

Sabrina leaves.

Roxie- You could start by registering to vote.

Morgan- (Resigned) Okay, How much do I owe you?

Roxie- It’s free.

Morgan- (Delighted) Oh! Why didn’t you say that in the first place?

She grabs a pen and registers. Roxie just shakes her head in wonder.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s bedroom. Sabrina sits at her laptop looking through her magic CD.

Sabrina- (To herself) There’s got to be a spell that’ll restore Russell’s reputation. Here’s one! (Reading) To clear the air and show he’s great, put him in a public debate.

She taps the ‘enter’ key to activate the spell and immediately Roxie runs into the room with and exciting idea.

Roxie- Sabrina, I’ve just had the craziest idea! Let’s set up a debate between Hilda and Russell, and I can broadcast it on my radio show.

Sabrina- That is crazy! So crazy, it just might work.

They high five while Sabrina is left wondering if it was the spell or just Roxie.

Int. Lecture room, Adams College. Roxie has a radio desk set up down at the front before two lecterns. People a drifting in to fill up the seats as Roxie does a sound check.

Roxie- Testing! Check! Check! Check!

The high pitched whistle of feedback has everyone clutching the ears in pain.

Roxie- (To everyone) That’s why we check.

Sabrina and Zelda enter and take seats in the front row.

Zelda- This debate is exactly what Russell needs. When people see how passionate he is about the issues, they’ll be convinced of his integrity.

Sabrina- All I can say is, I wouldn’t want to be aunt Hilda going up against him. She must be shaking in your seven hundred dollar boots right now.

Zelda- (Horrified) What?!

Sabrina gives her aunt an ‘Oops!’ expression as Hilda hobbles in in the too tight boots.

Hilda- Glad you’re both here. Okay, here’s the joke I thought I’d open with. A priest, a rabbi and Cameron Manheim walk into a bar.

Sabrina- (To Zelda) Like I said, we’ve got nothing to worry about.

Later, the debate is underway.

Hilda- What do I think about multiuse rezoning? I like it. Rezoning, recycling, refried beans, remember me when you go to the polls. Ha-ha-ha!

No one else is laughing.

Zelda- (Aside to Sabrina) Working like a charm, Sabrina.

Sabrina- Yep, and how. Like taking candy from a baby.

Roxie- Next question. If this district is awarded additional federal funds, how would you use them? Mr. Russell?

Mr. Russell- As I’ve said all along, our districts most immediate needs are with our elderly care and after school programs.

Roxie- And you, Miss Spellman?

Hilda- Whatever it was he said.

Roxie- Miss Spellman, so far you haven’t told us any of your views on anything?

Hilda- Of course not, I’m a politician. Ba-dom-bom!

No one laughs.

Sabrina- (Aside to Zelda) That may have been the final nail in her political coffin.

Roxie- Miss Spellman, our audience expects to hear answers to these serious questions?

Hilda- I’ll give you a serious question. Mr. Russell, I would like to know who these, so called, poor people are that you are, supposedly, giving money to?

Mr. Russell- I can’t tell you that. I have to respect their privacy and anonymity.

Hilda- How convenient! Unfortunately, if you want to be a public official, your public is entitled to know everything.

Zelda- (Aside to Sabrina) Entitled to know everything. Sabrina, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Sabrina- I’m way ahead of you... That is if we’re thinking the same thing.

The debate had continued.

Mr. Russell- ...I’m not going to embarrass these families. I’d rather resign from the race.

Hilda- Well I’m not going to debate that.

Sabrina stands up with her arm raised.

Sabrina- I have a question for one of the candidates.

Roxie- We’re not taking questions from the audience tonight.

Just the slightest of flicks from Sabrina’s finger in Roxie’s direction.

Roxie- (Cont.) Although here’s a crazy idea! Why not?

She hands Sabrina a microphone.

Sabrina- Miss Spellman, you say the public is entitled to know everything about it’s elected officials?

Hilda- Exactly.

Sabrina- So what you’re saying is, if you were elected to city council, your private life would be an open book?

Hilda- Absolutely.

Sabrina- So then you’re okay with the public knowing, let’s say, how old you are?

Hilda- I have no problem with that. Twenty-seven.

She finally gets a laugh from the audience as Zelda takes the microphone from Sabrina.

Zelda- Miss Spellman, would you be willing to share with the public your complete personal history? For instance, where were you brought up?

Hilda- (Covering the microphone with her hand) Don’t make me play the Magellan card, Zellie.

Zelda- (To the audience) Catamaran salesman! We just had dinner!

Sabrina- How about where you went to high school? Or where you bought your toaster? Or how you ended up with that cat?

Hilda- Okay, I get the point! The public doesn’t need to know anything... about anything. Now can we please get back to the issues?

Roxie- Fine. How do you feel about Tort reform?

Hilda- Oh, Tort sounds great right now, with a little ice cream on the side. (On everybody’s look) Okay, I’m thirty.

Sabrina- (Aside to Zelda) Aunt Zelda, I think our work here is done.

They smile at each other.

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. Mike walks up to Sabrina brandishing a sheet of paper.

Mike- According to this latest poll, Russell is back up to his original eighty-four percent of the vote. However, when asked ‘With which candidate would you rather play Twister?’ Ninety-nine percent said Hilda.

Sabrina- Oh that woman is a demon on all fours.

She carries an empty file box to her desk and starts putting her stuff in it.

Mike- So, have you thought about what you’re gonna write next?

Sabrina- Yeah, I have. (Handing him a letter) My resignation.

Mike- What?!

Sabrina- Well I almost destroyed a man and I’m only an intern. Imagine the damage I would do if I became a full-fledged reporter.

Mike- Hold on, you’re being way too hard on yourself. I ran that story because I thought it was the right call at the time. Sometimes you do make mistakes, there’s nothing you can do but go home and cry like a baby.

Sabrina- Is that what you do?

Mike- No, but I’m guessing you might. Look Sabrina, if you really wanna quit, I guess I can’t stop you.

Sabrina finishes dumping her stuff into the box, picks it up and turns to leave.

Mike- (Cont.) Yes I can! You’re good at this, now don’t be an idiot!

She crumples up her resignation note and throws it in the trashcan.

Mike- (Cont.) Now get back to work!

Sabrina- I guess I have no choice.

Mike- No!

Sabrina- Well then I-I guess I should start thinking about my next story. Um, this time I want to do something really uncontroversial. Like, maybe the dog show?

Mike- Uncontroversial? Are you joking? You write something nice about the Chihuahuas, the Corgi coalition gets on your tail.

Sabrina- So what you’re saying is, no matter what I write, I’m going to offend somebody.

Mike- M-hm, and when you get to be as good as I am, you can do it without even writing.

Int. Spellman living room. The results are in and Sabrina, Hilda, Zelda and Salem sit around the TV to hear them eating popcorn.

Reporter- We have the final tally in the city council race. Robert Russell: twelve thousand, seven hundred and eighty-two votes, Hilda Spellman: one.

Sabrina- Oh I’m sorry aunt Hilda. At least you voted for yourself.

Hilda- Actually, I didn’t vote. (On their looks) I couldn’t find parking!

Zelda- Well there’s one voter out there who believed in what you stood for.

Reporter- There’s been a correction, a vote has just been disqualified. Election officials have found that a paw print was substituted in place of an actual signature.

They all turn round to look at Salem.

Salem- Hey, you try holding a pen with just a dew-claw!

Reporter- That makes the final tally, Russell: twelve thousand, seven hundred and eighty-two, Spellman; zero.

Sabrina- (Delighted) It’s a total shut-out! (On Hilda’s look) That’s awful.

Zelda- But look at this way, honey. You were a lot funnier than Russell.

Hilda- You’re right! And that’s going to be my ace-in-the-hole when I run for governor. Who’s up for a game of Twister?

Int. The City Desk office of the Boston Citizen. Sabrina dashes in all excited waving sheathes of paper and intercepts…

Sabrina- Hey Mike! Great, I’m glad I caught you.

Mike- I’ve got news for you Sabrina, I’m not that tough to catch.

Sabrina- Well, I finally did it. I wrote the perfect article. It’s current, it’s precise and it offends absolutely no one.

Mike takes the article and glances at it.

Mike- (Reading) "Suburban sub-division", "Streetlights added", "Neighbourhood watch doing their job", (Laughing) "Bake sale and unqualified success."

Sabrina- Well?

Mike- You’re right, no one could possibly be offended by this.

Sabrina- (Pleased) I knew it!

Mike- And I know just what to do with it.

Into the trashcan it goes.

Sabrina- What if I include the fight over who had the best brownies, the nuts lady or the no-nuts lady?

Mike- You’re nuts lady. Bye.

He gives her a little wave and goes into his office.

Run credits.