Thin Ice

Int. Spellman dining room. The table is weighed down with stuff... but only one thing on it is edible. Zelda stands at the side of it in her lab coat and safety goggles. The main item on the table is a cylindrical contraption with an abundance of tubes and wires coming in and out. She stands back and admires her work.

Zelda- (To herself) Well, it looks like everything is in order. All my chemicals are perfectly balanced. Let the cloning begin.

She turns on the contraption and lights begin to flash, liquids begin to bubble. She picks up the edible item, a tomato, and places it in the tray at one end. It is sucked into the cloning machine and in no time at all, two identical tomatoes shoot out of the other end.

Zelda- (Cont.) An exact duplicate! Eureka! I’m a genius!

The phone rings. Zelda puts down the toms and heads for the living room.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda enters.

Zelda- Probably the Nobel committee.

She picks up the phone.

Zelda- (On phone) Hello?

Sabrina- Hi. What’ya doin’?

Zelda- Just replicating a sequence of deoxyribonucleic acid.

Sabrina- You’re cloning? Wow, I am so proud to have you as my aunt. I mean, you’re not only brilliant, you’re beautiful, kind and you’re very very very special to me.

Zelda- How much money do you need?

Sabrina- How much can you clone?

Zelda- Counterfeiting money’s illegal but the sky’s the limit with produce. How are you fixed for mellons?

Int. Spellman dining room. A nosy cat jumps up onto the table and sniffs the tomatoes.

Salem- (To himself) Mmm, tomatoes. They say the antioxidants are good for the prostate.

He gives them a lick but is distracted by the flashing lights on Zelda’s machine and sticks his nose where he shouldn’t. With a yowl he is sucked into the cloning machine and, just like the tomatoes, two of him come out the other end.

Salems- Ghe?!

Run opening credits.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina’s sat with Josh at a table as Hilda comes over.

Hilda- Sabrina, I’m not paying you to make goo-goo eyes at the customer.

Sabrina- Oh, I’ve been meaning to bring that up at a staff meeting.

Hilda- Hey, it’s not my fault you never get to spend any time with Josh. Who told him to leave his job at the coffee house to go work at some dead-end newspaper?

Josh- Okay, I gotta go Sabrina. (Turning to Hilda) The dead-end newspaper’s sending me to photograph the pope!

Hilda- Yeah, but does the paper give you free lattes?

Sabrina- He can’t get that here either.

Josh- Listen, Mike’s giving me Wednesday night off and I promise we’ll be together.

Sabrina- Wednesday sounds good.

Hilda- (Grabbing Josh’s arm) Wednesday it is! (Pushing him to the door) Bye bye!

On his way he passes two friends. Morgan, supporting a limping Harvey. He follows them back in.

Sabrina- Harvey, what happened to you?

Harvey- Just a little hockey injury.

Morgan- Which he got while scoring the game winning goal for Boston College.

She settles him on a settee where he puts his injured foot up.

Morgan- (Cont.) Harvey’s the star of the team... and I’m the stars girlfriend.

Josh- And I’m gonna hurl. (To Sabrina) I’ll see you Wednesday. (Kisses her cheek) We’ll do whatever you want, I don’t care what it costs.

Sabrina- Oh you don’t have to spend a cent on me as long as we’re together.

Josh leaves... finally.

Morgan- That’s a sentence you will never ever hear me say.

Morgan heads for the counter to start work and Sabrina moves to follow, but.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sabrina- Sure.

She sits beside him on the arm of the settee.

Sabrina- (Cont.) What’s up?

Harvey- I need your help. This ankle injury is pretty serious, I’m afraid, if coach finds out, I’ll wind up on the bench for the season.

Sabrina- Oh well, I’m not an orthopaedic surgeon, Harvey but... hey, if you’re up for it?

She rubs her hands together.

Harvey- Actually, I was hoping that you could do that thing that... that only you can do?

Sabrina- Turn the world on with my smile?... Oh wait, that’s Mary.

Harvey- I’m talking about magic. (On her look) Sabrina, I’m desperate. We’ve got a big game coming up and the teams counting on me.

Sabrina- Harvey, I’m not allowed to give my magic away to mortals. I’m a witch, not a genie.

Harvey- (Depressed) Oh... (Brightening) You wouldn’t happen to know any genies, would you?

Sabrina- Only one but she’s having a little problem with the bottle, if you catch my drift. I’m sorry Harvey, my fingers are tied.

Harvey- Well, it was worth a shot.

She gets up but turns back.

Sabrina- But I’ll tell you what. If you go and see a doctor and get it taken care off, I promise I’ll be at the game and I’ll bring everyone I know to cheer you on.

Harvey- That would be great. See you Wednesday night.

Sabrina- Wednesday night! (To herself) I’m sure Josh wont mind spending our date cheering on my ex-boyfriend.

Int. Bajko Memorial Rink. Wednesday evening. Sabrina and Josh edge their way allong a row of seats until they reach theirs beside Roxie, Miles and Morgan.

Josh- My first night off in two weeks and I’m supposed to cheer on your ex-boyfriend?

Roxie- I hardly even know Harvey, I hate hockey and she still dragged me here.

Miles- I’ve got bigger problems. Every sporting event I go to, I get hit in the head by something. There can be sixty thousand people in the stadium and, no matter where I sitting, the puck or the ball... or the matador comes flying up and hits me on the head.

The guy sitting behind him takes off his baseball hat and whacks Miles on the head with it.

Tom- Would you shut up already!?

Miles- Although it usually doesn’t kick in until the game actually begins.

Sabrina- Guys, stop complaining. Harvey’s playing through an injury and we’re here to support him.

Josh- Yeah, anything for your ex-boyfriend.

Morgan- Who happens to be my current boyfriend. (To Tom) I’m dating number ten. (To the girl in front.) He’s the star.

Int. Spellman dining room. The Salems look at each other.

Salem- Two Salems can drive Ninny and the professor twice as crazy and we could be kings of this castle.

Salem- You’ve got beauty and brains... which means, so do I.

Salem jumps down from the table and slips into the living room while Salem sits on the dining room table and watches. There’s a crash.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda puts down her book and gets up from the settee and looks at the broken lamp lying on the floor.

Zelda- Salem, what have you done?

Salem- (From the dining room) Me? Nothing. I’ve just been sitting here grooming myself as cats will do.

While Zelda looks at Salem in the dining room, Salem jumps over the settee and heads for the kitchen.

Zelda- Hmm. Must have been the wind.

Salem- I think you owe me an apology.

Zelda- I’m sorry Salem.

Salem- I’ll let it go this time.

Zelda- (Picking up the lamp) Wait a minute, what wind?

Int. Spellman dining room. Once Zelda has settled down again Salem jumps up to join Salem on the table.

Salem- This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Salem- I like the way I think.

Int. Bajko Memorial Rink. The match is underway.

Sabrina- Oh, there goes Harvey. He’s driving towards the goal!

Josh- And he gets the puck stolen from him.

Morgan- (Jumping up) Thief!

Later, Sabrina is raising a hot-dog to her lips when.

Sabrina- There goes Harvey! He’s wide open, He’s getting ready to shoot!

Miles quickly covers his head with his arms.

Roxie- And he trips and falls... Again.

Miles- The beauty of ice is that after you fall on it, you can use it to bring down the swelling.

Sabrina- Oh, he’s back up. You know what they say, you can’t keep a good man down.

Josh- (Wincing) Ooow! Or Kinkle up.

Morgan- This is so humiliating.

Sabrina- Oh Harvey’ll bounce back.

Morgan- I meant for me, I’m his girlfriend.

There a whistle.

Roxie- It looks like the coach is benching him. Wow! I’ve never seen anyone fall off the bench before.

Tom- Let’s hope they keep him benched for the rest of the season.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) This is exactly what Harvey was a afraid of.

Tom- (Calling out) Hey Kinkle! You stinkle!

A rain of empty drink cartons and wrappers falls onto Harvey from the crowd.

Josh- Man, even I’m feeling sorry for the guy.

Sabrina- Poor Harvey.

Morgan- I just don’t understand. Just last week he was skating like a god.

Harvey turns on the bench and looks up at Sabrina. His expression is pitiful and pleading.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Skating? God? That’s it!

She stands and turns to Josh.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Er, I’ll be right back. I’ve gotta get more relish for my sausage.

Josh- I’ll get it for you.

Sabrina- No-no-no-no! I’m very particular about the relish on my sausage. If there’s too much relish, it can overpower the sausage. If there’s not enough, it can... underpower it.

She pushes past Josh.

Josh- Do you give this much thought to all your condiments?

Sabrina- Don’t get me started on horseradish.

She leaves.

Miles- (To Roxie) I know what she means. I’m convinced the cause of my uncle Buddy’s death was aunt May’s relish. Not that uncle Buddy didn’t have it comin’

The puck hits him right on the forehead. Roxie leaps to her feet and punches the air.

Roxie- (Yelling) Thank you!

Int. Despatch office, Mercury Messenger Service, Mt. Olympus. Mercury, sporting a white toga and his gold, winged helmet, is on the celestial phone as Sabrina materialises still clutching her hot-dog and milk shake.

Sabrina- Hi Mercury. I’m...

He gestures at the phone at his ear to silence her.

Mercury- (Down Phone) I’m sorry about your late delivery Minerva, but the traffic around mount Olympus is a nightmare!

Minerva hangs up on him and he puts the phone down.

Mercury- (To Sabrina) Oh wow. Oh she maybe the goddess of wisdom, but she has got a mouth like a chariot driver.

Sabrina- I’m sorry to bother you but my ex-boyfriend is playing in a big hockey game right now, and he’s got this ankle injury and the coach has benched him, and I was wondering if you had a pair of really fast ice skates I could borrow?

Mercury- (While Sabrina takes a breath) And you are the goddess of what? Run-on sentences?

Sabrina- Actually, I’m not a goddess, I’m a witch. Well, actually, half witch, half mortal. Well how about those skates?

Mercury- I only have one pair. I’ve never lent them out before. Aah... You can have ‘em for three virgins... Oh, and a goat.

Sabrina- Would you settle for a foot long Polish sausage with extra kraut?

Mercury- Ha! You found my Achilles heal.

He dashes as quickly as his winged Achilles heals will take him to the closet three feet behind him and returns with a pair of winged ice skates. They exchange skates and sausage.

Mercury- (Cont.) It’s the one thing you cant get up here. Oh, just be sure and bring 'em back within twenty-four hours.

Sabrina- Oh well that’s how long it should take for that sausage to back up on ya. Ha-ha!

Int. Bajko Memorial Rink. Sabrina is back with the skates and lets herself into the players enclosure where Harvey is sitting.

Sabrina- Harvey, put these on.

Harvey- (Taking the skates) Where did these come from?

Sabrina- Don’t ask questions, just do as I say.

Harvey- <Sigh> Suddenly I feel like we’re dating again.

Sabrina- I need these back first thing tomorrow morning, got it?

Harvey- Got it. Thanks.

Sabrina leaves while Harvey’s bent down putting on the skates. He straightens up.

Harvey- (Cont.) I knew I could count on you. You are the greatest.

He leans over and gives her a peck on the cheek, which is nice... until he feels the bristles. His team-mate, who had taken Sabrina’s place, is a little surprised.

Harvey- (Embarrassed) <Cough> Er, I thought you were somebody else. I’m sorry.

Hockey Player- D’ya wanna get some coffee after the game?

I said he was ‘a little surprised’ I just missed out ‘pleasantly’

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda is putting together a picnic lunch with the picnic basket on the table. Salem sits watching.

Hilda- Wayne is really gonna love my impromptu little dinner.

Salem- Don’t you think the president of the collage deserves something a little classier than boloney and Ding-Dongs?

Hilda- Did you not notice the Cheese Whiz?

Salem- I stand corrected. So, you and Zelda’s boss. Frankly, if I was Zelda, I’d be a wee bit upset.

Hilda- If you were Zelda, I’d be suicidal.

She puts the last of her picnic treats into the basket.

Hilda- (Cont.) There, all done. I just have to run upstairs and get a blanket for us to snuggle on.

She is halfway to the stairs before she realises what she has forgotten.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh! What was I thinking? There’s no way I’m leaving you alone with all this food.

She picks up Salem and carries him with her upstairs.

Salem- <Sob! Sob! Sob!>

No sooner are Hilda and Salem gone than Salem jumps up onto the table and into the picnic basket. So keen is he to get at the goodies that he throws stuff all over the table and floor, making a heck of a racket. Zelda comes through from the dinning room. The cascade of picnic stuff stops.

Zelda- Hilda?

She sees the mess round the table.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh my goodness! It looks like we’ve been pillaged by the Huns again.

Hilda comes back down stairs with Salem and a blanket and sees her sister in the middle of her picnic disaster.

Hilda- Zelda Spellman! How could you?

Zelda- How could I what?

Hilda- Just because you’re jealous because I’m dating your boss, doesn’t give you the right to destroy my romantic dinner!

Zelda- (Pointing at Salem) Obviously this was the work of a fiendish four legged feline.

Hilda- I don’t think so, Zelda. Salem was with me the whole time.

Zelda- I can’t believe you think I would do something so petty just because I’m jealous. Which I, absolutely, am not!

Hilda- For once in your six hundred and fifty-eight years, will you own up to your real feelings?

Zelda- All right! You want real feelings, sister? I’ll give you real feelings. I think president Banning is out of his mind to be going out with you.

Hilda- Oh yeah!? Well, who asked you?

Zelda- You did!

Hilda- Sure, throw that in my face!

Hilda storms off to the dinning room with Zelda following.

Zelda- Oh no missy. You opened up this can of worms and we’re gonna finish it!

Salem- (To Salem with his mouth full of chocolate biscuit) Now that’s entertainment.

Int. Bajko Memorial Rink. Harvey’s back on the ice and he’s flying. The winged skates are making all the difference as Harvey smashed the puck past the goalie to score yet another goal.

Commentator- Ladies and gentlemen, a new, single game, scoring record has just been set by Harvey Kinkle.

Morgan- That’s my boyfriend!

Sabrina, Josh, Miles, Roxie, Tom and everyone else within ten yards of her- We know!

Roxie- I’ve never seen someone skate so fast before.

Miles- Call me crazy, but I think he’s really flying.

Sabrina- Oh no-no-no. He’s just jazzed because we all showed up to cheer him on.

Morgan- Y’know, he never played like this before I was his girlfriend.

Harvey skates passed below them and blows a kiss up into the stands.

Josh- Yeah well, if you’re his girlfriend, why’s he waving at mine?

Sabrina- Oh, he’s not waving at me. He’s just... trying to get the vendor. (Calling out) Get that guy some nuts!

Int. College House, Next morning. Sabrina goes to answer the door.

Sabrina- Hi Harvey. Still flying high after last nights game?

Harvey- (Entering) It was the most exciting night of my life and I owe it all to you.

He puts a paper bag on the table.

Sabrina- Oh what are friends for? I mean, I’m sure you would have done the same thing for me. Y’know, if you were a witch.

Harvey- I brought you a little present.

He points at the paper bag and Sabrina reaches in an pulls out a black leather Prada back pack.

Sabrina- Oh it’s beautiful! But you really didn’t have to get me anything.

Harvey- Oh yes... I did.

Int. Boston College hallway. Harvey and Sabrina stand in front of the trophy cabinet admiring the latest addition.

Harvey- Coach was so impressed with my performance last night he took the skates from my locker and, secretly, had them bronzed. It’s a real honour.

Sabrina- It’s a real disaster, is what it is. I borrowed these skates from Mercury, and the last thing you wanna do is make a god angry!

Harvey- (Impressed) Wow! I was wearing a gods skates? That is so cool.

Sabrina- Okay, I don’t think you get what’s at stake here. Um, does the name ‘Prometheus’ mean anything to you?

Harvey- He’s the guy who stole fire from Zeus.

Sabrina- And wound up chained to a rock for all eternity with vultures pecking out his liver!

Harvey- I’ve gotta get those skates out o’ there!

He runs and grabs a fire axe, but when he returns, Sabrina blocks his way.

Sabrina- Wait! No need to destroy school property.

She turns and with a casual waft of her finger, unlocks and opens the trophy cabinet.

Harvey- I keep forgetting you could do that.

Sabrina- And now for the important part. Un-bronzing them.

She uses her finger again to fire a blast of magic at the skate. It ricochets off the bronze surface and skims past her head. With a frown she has another go but this time, when it ricochets, it hits the glass of the display, shattering it.

Harvey- Well, so much for saving school property. What’re you gonna do?

Sabrina- All I no is, no bird is getting near my liver!

Int. Despatch office, Mercury Messenger Service, Mt. Olympus. (Serving the Gods since 500 BC.) Mercury looks over his new bronze book ends.

Mercury- They’re bronzed!

Sabrina- Consider it a gift. You don’t have to thank me.

Mercury- I wont, because I have no use for bronzed skates.

Sabrina- Can’t you just un-bronze them?

Mercury- Could you?

Sabrina- No, but I’m just a witch, you’re a god.

Mercury- Have you ever heard of the god of un-bronzing?

Sabrina- Isn’t he the one who brought us sunscreen?

He gets up from his desk and closes on Sabrina threateningly. She backs away.

Mercury- Look blondie, You ruined my only pair of skates and now you’re going to have to pay the consequences.

Sabrina- No, please don’t peck out my liver! I have mid terms in two weeks and it’s really hard to study without a vital organ!

Mercury- Save it for Zeus. Punishments are his speciality.

He presses the intercom button on his phone.

Mercury- (Over phone) Dotty, can you get Zeus for me?

There’s a crash of thunder and a small explosion that demolishes Mercury’s desk. When the smoke and dust clears, another toga clad god stands were the desk had been. He’s older looking and grumpier. Mercury sifts through the wreckage and finds the phone.

Mercury- (Over phone) Thanks Dotty... and I’ll need another desk.

Zeus- Who am I punishing today?

Mercury- Her. I loaned her my only pair of skates and she ruined them.

Sabrina- It was an accident. You see, I borrowed them for my ex-boyfriend; we have a lot of history. Anyway, erm, his team were losing the game and he was injure so...

Zeus- (Interrupting) Quiet!

He emphasises his command by smashing a bolt on lightning into the floor at Sabrina’s feet.

Mercury- (Aside to Sabrina) And that’s why he gets paid the big bucks.

Zeus- Young lady, destroying the property of a god is a serious offence, and it is my pleasure... I mean... duty to come up with an appropriate punishment.

Sabrina- Er, I don’t mean to be pushy Zeus, but isn’t it also the duty of a god, especially you, the king of gods, to be merciful?

She graces him with a bright, winning smile.

Zeus- Mercy’s a wonderful concept... but I find it gets in the way of punishment.

Mercury- (Grabbing Zeus’ arm) Since I’m the injured party...

He realised what he has grabbed and tries to brush out any wrinkles in Zeus’ toga.

Mercury- (Cont.) Oh Oh great god. Gods. May I be so bold as to suggest that she make all my deliveries for a month?

Zeus- Well I suppose that would be more fitting than throwing her in a pit and letting the wildebeest feast on her.

Sabrina- Way more fitting.

With another lightning bolt, that smashes Mercury’s French windows, Zeus is gone.

Mercury- Would it kill him to use the door once in a while?

Later. Sabrina’s modelling her new outfit. A rather fetching pair of gold, winged sandals and a brief, white toga... that is also very fetching. Now if UPS delivery drivers looked like that... It’s the final item of her uniform, however, that’s the problem.

Sabrina- Well I understand the shoes but do I have to wear this hideous hat?

Mercury, who’s sporting a floral Hawaiian shirt and shorts looks at the winged helmet in Sabrina’s hands.

Mercury- It was a birthday gift from Zeus’ wife.

Sabrina- (Putting on the helmet) I love it!

Mercury- Here’s your beeper.

Sabrina slips the pager onto the belt of her toga. You’d think gods would have pockets.

Mercury- (Cont.) And deliver this package to Apollo.

He hands her a small envelope.

Sabrina- Is this the only one?

Mercury- No. It’s the only on I could lift.

He gestures over his shoulder at the piles of cartons and crates that reach to the roof. Sabrina’s jaw drops as Mercury grabs his holiday bag.

Mercury- (Cont.) If anyone needs me, I’ll be snorkelling at Club Med, Atlantis.

He leaves.

Sabrina- And I’ll be here, drowning in a sea of cardboard.

Ext. The sky over Olympus. Flying sandals are a lot less bother the a vacuum and the acceleration is incredible. Sabrina is a blur as she streaks through the sky. Her first delivery is to a god who just can’t get enough of his own reflection.

Sabrina- Package for narcissus.

She hands him her clipboard.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Sign here please.

In order to do so he has to put down his mirror. After he’s signed, she hands him the package which he opens. It’s another mirror, only bigger.

Her next delivery is slightly more difficult, particularly as the unicorn is in a stubborn mood. Sabrina notices why the animal was reluctant to move and has to wait until it’s finished. As she starts to move along, she’s intercepted by a guard who points her at the sign beside her.

With a sigh she plucks a polythene bag from her waistband and heads to the rear of the unicorn.

Int. College house. The hideous hat sits on the table beside a basket while, the toga clad, Sabrina sits in front of her laptop trying to fit in her other life.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, I’ve gotta write this psychology paper and then I’ve gotta deliver this mothers day basket from Oedipus... Well, I could write about that.

Ext. Gods home. Pan is playing on his pipes as Sabrina arrives.

Sabrina- Pan.

No response.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Pan!

Still no response.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Pan!

That got his attention.

Sabrina- (Cont.) A message from your condo association. (Reading) "Learn a new freakin’ song!" (On his look) Hey, don’t shoot the messenger!

Int. College house. Sabrina enters to hear a message being left on the answer machine.

Josh- (OS On phone) Sorry I missed you again. You know your phone also dials out.

She dashes over as fast as her winged feet will take her.

Sabrina- (Picking up the phone) Josh! Josh, wait! Hello?

But it’s not fast enough. He’s hung up. Sabrina beeper, beeps.

Sabrina- (Reading) "And wear flippers"? Now what’s that about?

Ext. A rock in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. A mermaid sits amongst the crashing waves brushing the seaweed out of her hair when over the rock come a dripping Sabrina with a box. The mermaid opens the box and pulls out a rather nice stiletto pump.

Sabrina- Oops! My mistake.

She takes back the shoes and dives back into the water.

Int. College house. Sabrina’s at hove grabbing a quick snack when the doorbell wings. She goes to answer it.

Sabrina- Josh?! What are you doing here.

Josh- I just wanted to see what’s up with you. I mean, whenever I call you’re never... What are you wearing? Is that seaweed in your hair?

He pulls it out.

Sabrina- Oh, I’m just going for a new look. I’m sorry I haven’t called you, it’s been a god awful week.

Josh- Hey, I’m busy too, all right? But at least I find time to return your calls. We haven’t talked since you dragged me to Harvey’s game. Sabrina, is there something going on with you two you’re not telling me about?

Sabrina- Josh, you know that’s not true, why would you even think that?

The doorbell rings, Sabrina answers it.

Harvey- Hey, Sabrina. I just wanted to thank you again for last night.

Sabrina- Oh Harvey, not now.

Harvey- Hey Josh, I didn’t see you there.

Josh- Obviously.

Sabrina- Erm, I can explain. (Her beeper goes off) Er, as soon as I get back. Gotta go.

She grabs her hideous hat and one of the many packages lying around and leaves.

Harvey- (To Josh) Girl can wear anything, can’t she?

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda enters with Hilda dogging her heals.

Hilda- You have been jealous of me since the day I came out of the womb.

Zelda- How can I be jealous of you when you have nothing I want.

Hilda- Except the president of your college!

Zelda- (Searching through her handbag) I do not want president Banning. I do, however, want the pearl earrings which were stolen from my jewellery box this morning!

Hilda- Are you accusing me of stealing!?

Zelda- I’m merely saying that they are missing and you’re the only on in the house.

Hilda- I don’t know which is worse. You thinking that I would steal your pearl earrings, or you thinking that I would actually wear them! Do I look like Sandra Day O’Connor?

Zelda leaves with Hilda dogging her heals. Two identical black cats are sat on the stairs watching. One of them is wearing a pair of rather nice pearl earrings.

Salem- The stealing was a nice touch.

Salem- Nothing you wouldn’t have thought of yourself.

Salem- And may I say, you look stunning? Hm, pearls and basic black? A timeless classic.

Zelda enters with Hilda dogging her heals... Oooh Déjà vu!

Zelda- I am getting out of here! I can’t stand this anymore!

Hilda- Oh, and I can? Fine, if you’re taking the car, drop me at my presidents house!

Zelda- I will not!

Hilda- Fine! Then I’m taking the car!

Zelda- Fine! Then drop me at my younger, better looking boyfriends house!

Hilda- Fine! But I’m not slowing down the car!

They both grab their coats and leave. With the house to themselves the Salems come out into the living room and take up their favourite position behind the settee. Laughing, Salem uses the remote to turn on the stereo and they start swaying to the rhythm and because of the volume, they don’t hear the front door open and the sisters come back in.

Zelda- Just like you to forget your keys.

Hilda- Oh...

They both stop dead when they see the two cats. Zelda uses her own remote (Her finger) to turn off the stereo.

Salem- Hey!

They turn to see that their caught.

Salem- Ever hear the expression ‘Double your pleasure, double your fun’?

Hilda- Ever hear the expression ‘You’re in deep doodoo’?

Int. College house. Sabrina, the messenger of the gods enters to find Josh gone but Harvey keeping the settee and the TV warm.

Harvey- Cool hat. Could you get me one of those?

Sabrina- (Sitting beside him) Er... No. Where’s Josh?

Harvey- He left.

Sabrina- I’m afraid he’s upset with me.

Harvey- You think he knows, we have all these secrets between us?

Sabrina- Oh, you mean, like that you know I’m a witch and I lent you magical skates and now I’m moonlighting as a messenger for Mercury?

Harvey- Yeah, that.

Sabrina- I should probably go talk to him... but I’ve got to go to Right Aid for Apollo. You know, you’d think he’d be able to find some Greetian formula in Greece

She gets up and heads for the door. Harvey follows.

Harvey- Hey, this whole thing is my fault. Is there any way, at all, that I can help?

Sabrina- Not unless you can figure out a way I can be in two places at once. <Gasp!> You’re a genius, Harvey!

With a bright smile she points at herself and vanishes in a swirl of sparkles.

Harvey- Huh! I never see that coming.

Int. Spellman dining room. The Salems are on the table and Zelda has ensured they stay together with a pair of matching collars. Steel ones, joined by a short length of chain.

Salems- (Together) I’m telling ya, it was his idea! I’m innocent!

Salem- You shut up!

Salem- No, you shut up!

Salem- You shut up!

Salem- You shut...

Hilda & Zelda- (Interrupting) You both shut up!

Hilda- This is scary.

A swirl of sparkles resolves itself into Sabrina. She looks at the two Salems.

Zelda- Hello Sabrina, what are you doing here?

Sabrina- You know your cloning machine? Obviously Salem does, I need to borrow it.

Zelda- Too late. We’ve just smashed it to smithereens.

She points at a pile of debris in the corner.

Sabrina- This is so not my day!

Her beeper goes off.

Hilda- Does everyone in the world but me have a beeper?

Sabrina- This actually belongs to Mercury.

Zelda- Mercury? Didn’t you used to date him?

Hilda- Don’t remind me. When he took off those sandals; ooh, talk about a mood killer.

Sabrina- Well I have to do all his work for a month because I’ve ruined his only pair of skates.

Hilda- Only pair of skates!?

Int. Despatch office, Mercury Messenger Service, Mt. Olympus. Hilda and Sabrina are there.

Hilda- I give you, Mercury’s closet.

She opens the closet door and they both enter. The closet contains nothing else but winged shoes for every occasion, from baseball cleats to flip-flops.

Hilda- (Cont.) Complete with an entire section devoted to skates.

Sabrina- Oh wow! How did you know these were here?

Hilda- D’ya think I’d date a guy without snooping through his closet? (She spots something) Hey, my pink pumps! Hm, they look nice with wings.

She takes the winged pink stilettos and leads Sabrina back out into the office just as Mercury gets back from his vacation.

Mercury- Sabrina! Hilda! What are you doing here?

Hilda- You picked the wrong witches niece to pick on.

Sabrina- Yeah, you’re busted, fly boy. Why did you tell me you only had one pair o’ skates?

Hilda- Because he’s a lazy, conniving, pink pump pilferer who still hasn’t discovered Odour-Eaters!

Mercury- Hey...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Well, I’ll tell ya one thing. Zeus is gonna have a great time punishing you when he finds out about your little scam.

Hilda- Yeah!

Mercury- Hey, there’s no reason we can’t keep this amongst the three of us?

A blast of lightning and oops there goes another marble topped desk. Zeus stands where it used to be.

Zeus- I believe someone here is in need of a punishment?

Mercury- and another desk... which I am more than happy to pay for out of my own pocket.

Sabrina- Good luck skating your way out of this one. Ha-ha.

Int. College house. Sabrina and Hilda materialise.

Sabrina- Thanks, aunt Hilda. You know, it really helps having aunts that have dated every male life form in the solar system.

She takes off her hideous hat and puts it on the counter top.

Hilda- Not every, but we’re working on it.

Sabrina- I know I’m not supposed to use my magic to help mortals but I felt so bad for Harvey. I just couldn’t stand by and do nothing.

Hilda- Your heart was in the right place, Sabrina. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve wanted to use my finger for the good of all mankind.

The door bell rings. Sabrina can just make out the face through the frosted glass of the door.

Sabrina- It’s Josh!

Hilda- As you say, honey. Gotta go!

She points and vanishes. Sabrina looks down at her cute, if impractical attire and does some pointing at herself also. Dressed in more common daywear she answers the door.

Sabrina- Josh, I’m so glad you’re here.

Josh- Are you? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather it be someone else, like Harvey?

Sabrina- Josh, nothings going on between Harvey and me. I-I don’t know how many time I have to tell you that. I just wish you would trust me.

Josh- I wanna trust you. I just feel like you and Harvey are sharing some sort of secret?

Sabrina- Well Harvey and I have a history together. I cant erase my past but, the important thing is, you’re my future.

She hugs him and he hugs her back.

Josh- So you’re saying there’s nothing I have to worry about here?

Sabrina sees the wings in her hideous hat begin to flutter on the counter top over Joshes shoulder and flicks her finger at it. It vanishes.

Sabrina- No, not a thing.

They pull apart, smile at each other and kiss.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina’s aunts still have the Salem situation to solve.

Salem- I’m the real Salem Saberhagen!

Salem- And who am I, Joey Lawrence?

Zelda- Don’t worry, we have an absolutely foolproof method to determining which Salem will stay with us.

Salem- Lucky for me, she’s a scientist.

Zelda- Hilda?

Hilda- Eeny meeny miney mo, catch a cloned cat by the toe. If he hollers, let him go, eeny meeny miney mo.

On the final mo, the Salem she was pointing at went poof! And was gone.

Salem- Thank god, you picked the right one! Although... I miss me! <Sob! Sob! Sob!>

Run Credits