Sabrina's Date With Destiny

Have you ever felt, on a dull, grey, cloudy day, that if only you were above the clouds you would be bathed in beautiful sunshine? Well that’s one of the advantages of being a witch.

Ext. Atop a cloud at thirty thousand feet. Sabrina is lay on a sun-bed in her bikini and shades dictating a letter to her laptop.

Sabrina- Dear Josh, I can’t wait for you to get back from Europe so we can make up for lost time. We could have romantic dinners, spend the weekend in the Berkshires, maybe go see a baseball game. Gooo Red Sox!

She punches the air forgetting her precarious position atop a cloud at thirty thousand feet. Inevitably she falls off her sun-bed.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(Fading into the distance) And get that blimp out of my waaaaaaay!

Run opening credits

Int. College house. Sabrina comes out of her bedroom with two outfits on hangers and walks over to where Roxie and Morgan are sat at the table.

Sabrina- I have been going through my closet all morning. Now which one of these two says (Sexily) ‘Welcome back Josh’?

Roxie- I can’t believe you’re obsessing over which outfit's going to impress a guy

Morgan- Especially if we’re talking about those outfits. They both scream ‘Donate me!’

Roxie- The one on the left is mine

Morgan- Like I said.

Miles enters all excited.

Miles- Great news! I’ve just got a part time job at school. Yours truly has been chosen to be a guinea pig for research experiments.

Roxie- Well that would explain the phone jack sticking out of your neck.

Miles- FYI, I’ll be tying up the line for a while. The organic computer lab is expecting my afternoon brain dump.

Sabrina- There’s really no way to respond to that is there?

Miles- Hey, nice outfits.

Sabrina- That settles it. I’m calling Goodwill.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Hilda and her niece are on shift. It’s late and the place is deserted.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, what time is it?

Hilda- (Checking her watch) Hm, time for you to stop annoying me. Sabrina, Josh’s plane doesn’t land for another four hours.

Sabrina- I know. It’s just that I wanna make sure that I have enough time to get cleaned up, give myself a manicure, y’know, tweeze that ugly in-grown...

Hilda- (Interrupting) No!

At the same time, a cascade of sparkles manifests into Zelda.

Zelda- And hello to you. Big news! I’ve been selected to throw a party for the president of Adams College.

Hilda- I’d rather hear about tweezing. (To Sabrina) You were saying, In-grown...?

Zelda- Hilda! The school is divvying up a major donation and the science department has chosen me to appeal to president Banning. Won’t be difficult. Lord knows, I’m appealing.

Sabrina- And now we all know.

Zelda- I just need a place to throw the party. It has to be somewhere unique, yet intimate. Casual, yet classy.

Hilda- Hmm, where could that be? A java joint that’s been dead all Summer? A sister with no cash-flow?

Zelda- You want me to have a cocktail party in a coffee house?

Hilda- I don’t see a coffee house.

She snaps her fingers and the counter is replaced by a grand piano and a man in tails playing it. Cocktail glasses replace the coffee flasks and pot-plants lend the place an intimate atmosphere. Ignore the little blonde girl in an apron who was trying to clean the cappuccino machine before it turned into a silver percolator and you’ve got a cocktail lounge.

Hilda- (Cont.) There. You’ve got your intimate, your casual, your classy

The top of the coffee filter comes loose and Sabrina gets a face full of coffee grounds. She stands sputtering and spitting out grounds.

Hilda- (Cont.)(Indicating Sabrina) I’ll make sure that Classy has the night off. Armando will be filling in for her.

She points and a handsome Latino waiter is standing beside Zelda.

Zelda- (To Hilda) You’ve got the job.

She points and she and Armanda vanish in a swirl of sparkles. Hilda turns round to Sabrina who’s still trying to get grounds out of her hair and cleavage.

Hilda- Oh! She makes it too easy.

She raises her finger and with a puff of smoke the coffee house is back to normal.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, I’ve got coffee grounds in every hole in my head. Do you mind if I take the night off?

Hilda- Go ahead Sabrina. It’s not like we have any customers coming in.

Sabrina removes her apron and rubs her face with it as Hilda looks to the door where a tanned and ruggedly handsome young man has just entered.

Hilda- (Cont.) Except that guy.

Sabrina turns round.

Sabrina- Josh!

She runs over and throws her arms round him.

Josh- Hey! Oh I took an earlier flight. I couldn’t wait to see you.

Sabrina- Oh you look great and I look terrible. Your timing stinks worse than I do.

Josh- Sabrina, I just spent nineteen hours on a flight from Istanbul sharing a blanket with a goat. You smell great.

He leans in and kisses her.

Sabrina- Wow! I know you’ve only been gone a couple of months but there’s something different about your whole energy.

Josh- Yeah well I feel different. Oh I’ve got so many stories to tell you and pictures to show you.

Sabrina- Pictures later; kisses now.

Josh- Okay.

Kisses. Hey, stop looking. Give a couple some privacy huh?... Tum-tee-tum-tum-tum... Okay, you can look again.

Josh- Oh I wish you could have been with me in Prague.

He takes her by the hand and leads her to a settee.

Josh- (Cont.) I got to hang out with the senior editor of the Prague Forward.

Sabrina- You mean Voycek Tziksuki?

Josh- (Surprised) You know him?

Sabrina- Well I feel like I do. You mention him in every e-mail.

Josh- Oh right. Well I couldn’t have told you this. Before I left he said there might be a job for me as a photo-journalist. How cool would that be?

Sabrina- (Thinking, Upset) Josh want’s to go back to Prague?

Josh- That place is so amazing. Picture this all right. Five thousand Czechs protesting a beef by-products plant and me...

Sabrina- (Thinking over him) He’s just got here and he’s thinking about leaving. What about our romantic dinners? I’ve got us Red Sox tickets. I’ve pre-paid for those suckers!

Josh has noticed that he doesn’t have a totally attentive audience for his story and snaps his fingers in front of her eyes.

Josh- Sabrina, are you listening?

Sabrina- Oh yes. Y’know, Czechs, beef by-products. (Fake smile) Sounds like heaven.

Josh- The culture’s so different but the people are friendly and welcoming...

Sabrina- (Thinking over him) This is serious. I’ve gotta make sure Josh stays in Boston. Quick, think of something exciting and original. (Interrupting) Hey! D’ya wanna come over for dinner?

Josh- Oh I’d love to, but can we do it tomorrow night? I’m totally jet-lagged. Plus, I think I picked up a bug from the goat.

Int. College house. Sabrina is in the kitchen cooking with the help of the magic book, that is the ‘Magical Meals’ cookbook. She flips through the pages.

Sabrina- (To herself) Ooh this looks good.

She points and from the page rises a pie.

Salem- <Sniff! Sniff!> Mmmm! Eggy.

Sabrina turns round to find her cat sat on the windowsill.

Sabrina- It’s not for you. It’s for the romantic dinner I’m making for Josh tomorrow night. He’s thinking about moving back to Prague! I’ve got to find positive reasons to stay here.

Salem- Forget the positive. If you want to influence somebody’s decision, you have to accentuate the negative.

Sabrina- But what’s the negative? Living in Prague is his dream.

Salem- Unless you make it... his nightmare.

Sabrina smiles, understanding.

Int. Josh’s bedroom. He’s fast asleep, snoring softly as Sabrina appears in a swirl of sparkles.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Josh is sleeping like a log but wait until he gets to Prague.

She points at Josh, activating the spell and then at herself. Another swirl and she’s gone.

Int. Josh’s dream. In a rundown single room apartment Josh is huddled over the single radiator with a threadbare blanket wrapped round him. He rubs his hands together for warmth.

Josh- (To himself) It’s twenty degrees in here, even the rats have had enough. Where’s that landlady already? (Stamping on the floor) Come on!

The door opens and the fat landlady walks in wearing a scruffy apron and head scarf. If it wasn’t for the warts, the excess flesh and the eyebrows that met in the middle she might have looked vaguely like Sabrina.

Landlady- Vhat now Yankee-doodle?

Josh- I want heat!

Landlady- Vait till August, you’ll be sveating like nobody's business.

Josh- I didn’t come to Prague to live like a POW!

Landlady- Oh then maybe you shouldn’t have come! Ungrateful American pig-dog!

She turns on her heals and stomps out of the room.

Josh- (Calling after) Yeah, I’m thinkin’ the same thing!

Int. Josh’s bedroom. Sabrina’s back and enjoying the results of her spell.

Sabrina- That vent vell. Gotta go.

She points and vanishes.

Int. College house. The next evening. Sabrina is preparing the salad for her dinner with Josh when Miles enters liberally festooned with Band-Aids.

Sabrina- Whoa! What research group roughed you up?

Miles- The exotic pet feasibility study. Sadly squirrels will never be our trusted friends.

Sabrina- Miles, you are officially the most desperate person I know.

Roxie enters, also well plastered.

Roxie- I need ointment and I need it now.

Sabrina- You’re doing these experiments too?

Roxie- Hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks. (To Miles) We’d better get cleaned up if we’re gonna make it to project heat-stroke.

They both head for their bedrooms and Morgan comes down stairs.

Morgan- Oh Sabrina, making a romantic dinner for your boyfriend. How provincial.

Sabrina- Do I detect a note of jealousy?

Morgan- Me? Jealous? Just because you got Josh when he finally decided to look like something and get all sexy... God he is so hot now that...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Hello! Still in the room.

Morgan- Boy, if I knew he’d turn out like this I never would have dumped him.

Sabrina- Excuse me, didn’t he dump you?

Morgan- ...So what are you makin’ for dinner?

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Not that you’d recognise it in it’s current guise of cocktail bar. Hilda moves through the tables playing hostess with the mostess.

Hilda- Hello... Nice to see you... Thanks for coming... (With the Vulcan salute) Live long and prosper.

Zelda hurries over to her.

Zelda- Hilda, you’ve really pulled it off. President Banning seems to be having a fabulous time.

Hilda looks over to where a man is talking to two women and looking thoroughly bored... and slightly constipated.

Hilda- He seems to be having a coma.

Zelda gives him a little wave across the room and he comes over. A smile fights it’s way onto his face.

President Banning- May I just tell you what an enchanting smile you have?

Zelda- Thanks. If you wanna see more of these pearly-whites, throw some of that grant money into astrophysics.

President Banning- Actually, I was talking to the vision of loveliness next to you.

Both Zelda and Hilda look round to see who he’s referring to.

President Banning- (Cont.)(To Hilda) I mean you. (Taking her hand) I’m Wayne Banning.

Hilda- (Delighted) Oh! And I’m Hilda Spellman. Pleased to meet you Wayne Banning. And now back to Wayne Banning, private eye.

President Banning- Ha-ha, you’re funny Hilda.

Hilda- Thanks. You know sometimes I do stand-up comedy here.

Zelda- Er Hilda, I don’t think President Banning wants to hear about stand-up comedy.

President Banning- Oh-no, I love stand-up comedy. Those Wayans brothers, they’re wild.

Zelda- (Embarrassed) Wont you both excuse me, I need to freshen-up a little.

She leaves with a scowl.

Int. College House. Sabrina has her romantic dinner all set when the door-bell rings. A quick point at the table has the two candles lit before she answers the door to Josh.

Josh- Sie schauen heute abend so reizend hous.

Sabrina looks at him blankly.

Josh- I just told you ‘You look lovely’ in German.

Sabrina- Oh and what prettier language to say it in.

Josh- And...

He hands her a bouquet of flowers.

Sabrina- Oh thanks Josh, they’re beautiful.

He kisses her.

Josh- That’s a European style bouquet. Those flowers are all hand picked.

Sabrina- Really. From where?

Josh- Peoples yards. Hm Something smells great!

Sabrina- (Putting the flowers in a vase) Well I hope you’re hungry. Oh by the way, how did you sleep last night?

Josh- Not so good. I had this horrifying dream about Prague. (Shivering) Oh what a nightmare.

Sabrina- (With a happy grin) I’m so sorry to hear that.

He looks at her and the she quickly hides the grin.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Zelda’s party is coming to a close and the guests are leaving.

President Banning- It’s been lovely Hilda.

Hilda- It certainly has, Wayne Banning. Good night.

President Banning- Good night.... Hey lady!

Hilda- Hey Dean!

The both crack up with laughter. President Banning leaves and Zelda gives him a little wave that he doesn’t notice or acknowledge. Hilda puts her arm around her sisters shoulder.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh what a great president!

Zelda- (Jealous) Hilda, you occupied every minute of his time. President Banning and I never even got to discuss the science department.

Hilda- Relax. I’ll make sure to mention it to Wayne when we go out on our date.

Zelda- Your date?

Hilda- That’s right, our date. I’m going out with your boss. Which means, if he and I get married, I’ll be your stepboss. I’m starting to see an hierarchy. I’m Higher and you’re Archy.

Int. College House. The romantic meal is over and Sabrina and Josh sit on the settee as he shows her photos from his trip to Prague.

Sabrina- Wow Josh! These pictures are great. Y’know you’ve really managed to capture the bleak and hellish atmosphere that is Prague.

Josh- Sabrina, what are you talking about? It’s sunny out and everybody’s smiling.

Sabrina- ...Whatever.

Josh’s pager goes off. He checks it.

Josh- Oh a voice-mail message. Y’know I dropped some resumes around town today. Maybe somebody called me back. Do you mind?

Sabrina- No, go for it.

She hands him the phone.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, and while you’re doing that, I’m going to get your favourite all American dessert.

As Josh taps the number into the phone, Sabrina dashes to the counter, points and produces two Knickerbocker-glories.

Josh- Great! How did you remember I loved apple pie?

Without missing a beat she points again turning the sundaes into pie.

Josh- (Putting the phone down.) Sabrina, you’re not going to believe this. I just got a job on the newspaper!

Sabrina- (Happy) No way!

Josh- Way. It starts in a week!

Sabrina- (Delighted) Get out o’ town!

Josh- I’m going to have to.

Sabrina- (Confused) What do ya mean?

Josh- The message was from the editor of The Prague Forward. The job is in the Czech Republic.

Sabrina- (Crushed) Wow! The Czech Republic? That is so... Pie?

Josh- I can’t believe they’ve offered me this job.

Sabrina- Me either.

Josh- I also can’t believe I’m going to have to leave you again. Hey, maybe you could come over there, do a semester abroad?

Sabrina- You want me to move to Prague? But what about your awful nightmare?

Josh- Sabrina, it was just a dream. The night before that I dreamt I was playing poker with a pack of German Shepherds. I can’t give up a once in a lifetime opportunity because of a bad dream.

Sabrina- Well you gotta do what you gotta do.

Josh- Sabrina, you really don’t want me to go, do you?

Sabrina- Me? Not want you to go? Why would you think that? I mean just because the timing has finally worked out between us and you’re finally not seeing anyone and I’m finally not seeing anyone, I mean, y’know big deal if we’re finally together in the same place after I wasted an entire Summer thinking about you and waiting for you to finally come home, and who care if I thought maybe, just maybe we had some sort of future together but, y’know, of course I want you to go, okay? So go.

on the verge of tears she opens the door for him.

Josh- Sabrina...

Sabrina- No Josh. Please just go.

With a sigh he takes his coat and leaves. Sabrina sits on a stool by the counter about to give into her heartache when Morgan comes down stairs.

Morgan- Oh nine o’clock, no boyfriend. Never a good sign for a romantic dinner.

Sabrina- Josh got a job offer in Prague and he’s actually going to take it.

Morgan- Oh I’m really sorry Sabrina. Now if it’s any consolation, some of my best relationships have been long distance. No petty fights and you save a fortune on waxing.

Sabrina- I don’t even know if he’s going for six months, a year or the rest of his life! And what if he meats someone else?

Morgan- Sabrina, I’ve been to Prague and seen your competition. He’ll be back.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem glares at his opponent over the chess pieces.

Salem- You have been a worthy opponent, foe... until now. The end is nigh.

He pushes his rook forward two spaces. His opponent distractedly advances the queen.

Zelda- Checkmate.

Salem swipes the board and the pieces from the table as Hilda comes down stairs all dressed up.

Salem- It’s your word against mine lady!

Zelda- You are a rotten cat! (To Hilda) Hilda, you look stunning.

Hilda- Thanks Zellie. Oh by the way, I borrowed your purse, your shoes and a splash of your designer perfume.

Zelda- (Under her breath) four hundred dollars an ounce and designed specifically for my body chemistry. (Normally) No biggie. Just remember, please, to mention the Science Department to president Banning, and find out why his eyes glaze-over whenever I bring it up.

Salem- Perhaps it’s because you’re an insufferable bore. (On Zelda’s look) Just pitching.

Zelda raises her finger to do something drastic to Salem but Hilda comes to his rescue.

Hilda- Wait Zelda. Bart Beastie here has a point. Wayne is under a tremendous amount of stress, y’know, ruling a college and all. He gravitates towards people with a sense of humour.

Zelda- And you’re saying I don’t have one?

Hilda looks to Salem.

Salem- I took the last bullet, this one’s yours.

Int. Sabrina and Roxie’s bedroom. Sabrina talks things out with her room-mate while Roxie pets and strokes Sabrina’s cat. Salem purrs like a Pratt and Whitney.

Sabrina- Maybe Josh and I just aren’t destined to be together?

Roxie- Maybe not, but the good news is you’re only nineteen. You’ve got plenty of time to find ‘The one’

Roxie’s watch beeps and she jumps up, putting Salem down.

Roxie- (Cont.) I, however, have only ten minutes to meet the chimp in the psyche lab. I’m going to finish the puzzle before Bobo if it kills me.

Roxie leaves.

Sabrina- (To Salem) You looked like you were enjoying that petting a little too much?

Salem- Is it wrong to be a man?

Sabrina- Don’t ask me, I’m not exactly the authority on men these days. Oh and your suggestion to give Josh a nightmare about Prague was completely useless!

Salem- Sometimes I just like to hear myself talk.

Sabrina- I just wish I knew how things were going to work out between me and Josh.

Salem- Sabrina, if you want to know your destiny, why don’t you go right to the source and ask him out?

Sabrina- Of course! A date with Destiny.

Later. ‘Everywhere’ by Michelle Branch plays over scenes of Sabrina getting ready for her date. Brushing out her long, blonde locks, Filing those polished nails to perfection, making sure there’s no lippy on the teeth. She pulls on her strapy heels makes sure the dress in just right before answering the door.

Sabrina- Whoa!

Destiny- Yeah, I get that a lot.

Which isn’t surprising as he’s a handsome young dude in a black leather jacket.

Sabrina- You’re Destiny?

Destiny- Yeah.

Sabrina- I thought you were supposed to be old as time. Y’know, with er...

Destiny- (Interrupting) With the long, white beard and flowing robes and winged chariot? No, most women like this look better, but if you-if you want me to change...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) No-no-no-no-no! This works for me.

Destiny- All right. I’ve brought the er chariot if that helps ya.

Sabrina- Oh cool!

Destiny- Come on.

He leads the way. Sabrina closes the door as she follows him and hears a whinny.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Even his horse is gorgeous!

Int. The Restaurant at the top of the world. Sabrina and Destiny have just finished their desserts and are on the coffee.

Sabrina- Well that was the best meal I’ve ever had and what a view!

Destiny- Yeah. I bet you didn’t know there was a bar and grill at the top of mount Everest?

Sabrina- Or that the swordfish would be so fresh. So can we talk about Josh now?

Destiny- Later. Have you ever been to the opera?

Sabrina- No, but I’ve always wanted to go.

Destiny gives a wave of his hand and He and Sabrina are in box seats at the opera. A nifty way of getting out of paying your dinner tab. Destiny in a tux and Sabrina a glamorous evening gown, opera gloves and opera glasses as they watch a bit of Gilbert and Sullivan.

Destiny- So is the Mikado everything you thought it would be?

Sabrina- It’s incredible. I’m so worried about Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum, and so happy Katisha and Ko-Ko.

Destiny- Yeah. No small thanks to Pitti-Sing and Pooh-Bah, I like them.

Sabrina- Listen, about this Josh thing...

Destiny- (Interrupting) Hey, after the opera, are you up for some dancing?

Sabrina- You dance?

Destiny- Yeah.

Sabrina- But I thought it was ‘Date with Destiny’; ‘Dance with Death’?

Destiny- Oh we were room-mates in college, we made a few trades.

Int. The Latino dance hall. Destiny and Sabrina have changed again. Destiny in skin tight pants and a black silk shirt. Sabrina in a skin tight red dress and dramatic makeup. They tango.

Sabrina- Listen, I hate to wreck the mood...

Destiny- (Interrupting) Then don’t.

Sabrina- But I have to ask you a question about my boyfriend.

Mood wrecked. Destiny Snaps his fingers.

Ext. The front porch of the college house. Sabrina, back in her original dress, sits on the swing with Destiny.

Sabrina- I want to know what happens between me and Josh. I mean is he going to move to Prague, love it and never come back? Or is he gonna hate it and come right back? Or am I gonna rethink my life and go with him?

Destiny- Well if you’re asking me what your destiny is then the answer is... I have no clue.

Sabrina- But you’re Destiny. You decide these things.

Destiny- I used to. I haven’t made a significant decision since King Arthur. It’s been all down hill since the sword in the stone, but I kept the name though. Y’know, for the dates.

Sabrina- What happened to you?

Destiny- Not to me! T-To the world. Things got more complicated; issues arose. Free will, Rational thought.

Sabrina- So what you’re saying is I create my own destiny? There’s nothing you can do for me?

Destiny- I’m not totally worthless. I-I may not be able to tell you your destiny but I can give you a preview of the different scenarios.

Sabrina- Well I don’t need to see Josh happy without me, and I don’t wanna see him fail. Maybe you could show me what it would be like if I took a semester abroad and moved to Prague?

Destiny- Okay. Done.

He snaps his fingers.

Int. Sabrina and Josh’s Prague apartment. It’s not as grim as Josh’s dream and Sabrina gives it a woman’s touch with a flower arrangement. Josh arrives home from work.

Josh- Sabrina, I’m home.

Sabrina- Hey sweetie. How was your day?

The hug.

Josh- Unbelievable. One of my pictures is getting the front page tomorrow, plus I’m going to be doing the photo layout with the Pope! How was your day?

Sabrina- Oh I can’t complain. I went to class, didn’t understand a word anyone said. Oh, and on the way home I bought a potato.

Josh- Fantastic! We’ve been on the list to get a potato for months!

Sabrina- Oh and I got tickets to the Prague film festival for next weekend. Opening night is a tribute to Kevin Bacon... (Under her breath) Boy, do I miss bacon.

Josh- Next weekend? That’s when the papers sending me to Paris.

Sabrina- Again!

Josh- (Pleased) I’m the man! Now come on, let’s pop that spud in the oven and chow down. Oh I love our life.

But Sabrina clearly doesn’t and the grimmest thing in the room is her expression.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Miles and Roxie sit at a table covered with prescription pharmaceuticals. Roxie rubs ointment on her elbow.

Roxie- Losing to that lab monkey was bad enough, but now we’ve spent more money on tetanus shots and cortisone creams than we’ve earned from these stupid experiments. I think we should quit.

Miles- No way Roxie. This is no longer about money for me.

Roxie- What else is there?

Miles- Fringe acceptance in the scientific community. Pass the Bactine.

Across the room Josh goes round offering refills to customers. A guy on a settee is on his mobile phone as Josh arrives.

Josh- Sir, can I get you anything else?

No response.

Josh- (Cont.) Sir?

The guy, with barely a glance, makes a go-away gesture with his hand.

Josh- (Cont.)(Under his breath) Rude, uncultured American pig-dog! (To the girl behind the counter) I’m taking a five.

She nods as he heads for the door.

Ext. Water Street, outside Hilda’s Coffee House. Josh comes out just as Sabrina arrives still dressed up from her date with Destiny.

Josh- Sabrina, I’ve left you a thousand messages; where have you been?

Sabrina- Oh the opera, mount Everest, potato shopping.

Josh- I don’t blame you for still being mad at me. I was such an idiot yesterday. I had my head so far up Prague I wasn’t thinking about you at all.

Sabrina- Well I was thinking about you. I can’t hold you back Josh. You’ve gotta take that job and you’ve gotta follow your destiny.

Josh- Well what about you coming with me?

Sabrina- Prague is your dream, not mine.

Josh- I’m going to miss you Sabrina.

The hug.

Sabrina- I’m gonna miss you to, Yankee-doodle... I mean, Josh.

Int. Adams College committee room. The different departments of the college make their pitches for the cash allocations. First up, the economics professor with the aid of a graph.

Professor Spork- Thus vis-à-vis the Yankelman effect, (Indicates the graph) the Economics Department deserves fifty-nine percent of the fund allocation. Thank you.

The end of his pitch is met with silence until the committee member beside president Banning gives him a nudge to wake him up.

President Banning- Oh hey. Who’s next?

Zelda gets up and makes her way to the podium passing Professor Spork.

Zelda- (Aside to Professor Spork) Fifty-nine percent. Please. (To the committee) Good afternoon President Banning and friends. Science has always had a tentative place in the social order. In sixteen eighty-seven Sir Isaac Newton, the founder of modern science, is reported to have been a...

She notices that President Banning’s eyelids have already drifted closed although he hasn’t started to snore yet.

Zelda- (Cont.) ...Nutty Professor!

That got his attention back

Zelda- (Cont.) Hey Dean!

She picks up a pen from the desk, holds it like a microphone and starts doing a stand-up comedy routine.

Zelda- (Cont.) How many of you hate to fly? And what about those people who shove those two ton bags into the overhead bins, huh? Just because it has a handle, doesn’t mean it’s a carry-on. Ha! (No one laughs) And what about those in-flight movies, huh? Yeah, I wanna watch ‘Gladiator’ on a screen the size of a trisket. (No response) A screen the size of a trisket!

Her audience is still not getting it. She taps her pen.

Zelda- (Cont.) Is this thing on?

President Banning- A better question, Professor Spellman, might be does the Science Department take fund allocation seriously?

Zelda- Oh of course it does.

President Banning- Then why would it send a comedian to plead it’s case?

Zelda- You can’t fool me, I know love a good laugh.

President Banning- The key word being ‘Good’

Zelda- Yes, well. On that note, I’ll just turn things over to the talented and fabulous head of the Asian Studies Department.

She hands over her pen and heads for the door.

Zelda- (Cont.) I’m here all week. Try the veal.

Int. College house. Sabrina comes from her room to join Roxie and Morgan for breakfast.

Roxie- Hey, when are you driving Josh to the airport?

Sabrina- (Pouring the cereal) Oh in a couple of hours.

Morgan- I’m so sorry Sabrina.

Sabrina- (Comforted by Morgan’s concern) Thanks Morgan.

Morgan- Traffic is gonna be horrendous.

Roxie- (To Morgan) Do you hear yourself when you speak?

Morgan- ...It depends on what I say.

She and Roxie leave as Sabrina pours milk on her cereal. She takes a spoonful but quickly spits it back out.

Sabrina- Urg! That’s disgusting!

She checks the use by date in the milk carton.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh great! Chunky style milk.

As she throws the carton in the trash-can the doorbell rings. Rubbing the foul taste from her tongue with her hand she goes to answer it. It’s Josh.

Sabrina- Oh you’re oh-for-four in the timing department.

Josh- This couldn’t wait. (He enters) Er Sabrina, I’m not goin’ to Prague.

Sabrina- What are you talking about? I mean you already told the editor you’re coming.

Josh- He’ll understand when I tell him I have an even better opportunity here in Boston.

Sabrina- You’ve got another job offer?

Josh- No. (Taking her hand) Sabrina, the opportunity I have here is to be with you. There will be other Prague’s, you are a once-in-a-lifetime offer. You’re my destiny.

He leans down to kiss her stunned and surprised lips as Miles, who’s timing is no better than Josh’s, enters with a horribly swollen neck.

Miles- Nobody panic, I’m fine. I’m just highly allergic to a genetically engineered variety of wasp. That’s the bad news.

Sabrina- There’s good news?

Miles- (Reaching to his back pocket) Oh yeah.

He pulls out a thick wad of notes and fans them out.

Miles- (Cont.) Brunch is on me.

Int. Spellman living room. The lovers are sat together on the settee.

Hilda- I’ve had a great week Wayne.

President Banning- Me too.

On the mid-stairs landing Zelda is sorting out her props. She has the bright orange, fluffy wig, the soda siphon and the rubber chicken.

Zelda- I may not be a joke teller but I’m a genius with physical comedy.

Salem- I know. I’ve watched you stuff a turkey.

Zelda starts to creep down the stairs, while on the settee.

President Banning- Well I guess I have your sister to thank for introducing us.

Hilda- Oh speaking of Zelda. She’s pretty upset that she blew it in that meeting the other day. She’s holding herself responsible for the Science Department not getting any funding.

President Banning- Of course they’re getting funding, Hilda. All the departments are...

Zelda, who is halfway down the stairs overhears and a smile lights up her face.

President Banning- (Cont.) ...But if your sister tries any more of her comedy, I may just change my mind.

Zelda hears this two and starts to quietly back up the stairs. However, with her hands full of rubber chicken and soda siphon she cannot use the banister and because of the ridiculous sized clown shoes she’s wearing she begins to over balance. Desperately she struggles to maintain her balance and for a time it looks like she’ll succeed until Salem takes a deep breath. He huffs and he puffs and he blows Zelda over. She tumbles all the way down the stairs and lands in a sprawled heap on the floor. She raises her head to see Hilda and President Banning looking at her.

Hilda- Zelda! I had no idea, you really are funny.

Run credits