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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Love Is A Many Complicated Thing

Written By - Dan Berendsen
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Josh - David Lascher
Miles - Trevor Lissauer
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Kevin - Michael Trucco
Calvin - Matt McCoy
Waiter - Jorge Luis Abreu

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. Sabrina is up a step ladder securing a large, heart shaped wreath of red, pink and white roses to the top of the support post. Josh steadies the ladder for her.

Sabrina- There! Nothing says love like a gussied up internal organ.

Josh- Any big valentine plans?

She comes down the steps but loses her balance. Josh’s strong arms catch her before she can fall and holding her to him, he lowers her to the floor.

Sabrina- Oh!

Josh-Oh!

They hang on to each other a little longer than is absolutely necessary looking into each others eyes.

Sabrina- No. Er no, no big plans... yet.

They both part a little self consciously. Hilda breaks the uncomfortable silence coming over with two glass coffee mugs full of pink stuff.

Hilda- Behold, Hilda’s valentines brew. (Handing over the mugs) I’m calling it cappupinko.

Josh- It looks like warmed over peptobismal.

Sabrina- (Tasting) Oh! It tastes like it too.

Hilda- That’s because it is.

Sabrina- Are you sure you’re not going overboard with this whole valentine thing?

Hilda- Absolutely not! Hilda’s is going to be the place for hot, young couples in the know. Desserts, coffee, cabaret, I’m going to perform. Can you think of a better way to end a romantic evening?

Sabrina- Er I can’t think of a faster way.

Hilda glares at her niece as Josh checks his watch.

Josh- Oh! Speaking of romantic evenings, I gotta get out o’ here. I still have to make my plans for valentines day.

Hilda- Which, I’m sure, includes a stop at Hilda’s?

Josh- Yeah right. It’s my first valentines day with Morgan, I want everything to be perfect. I’m planning a moonlight cruise around Boston harbour and as the boat gently rocks, we can snuggle beneath the stars. Sound romantic enough?

Grabbing his coat, he leaves.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Sure. (To herself) Only if you’re into that whole nautical display of affection thing.

Hilda- I really admire you Sabrina.

Sabrina- Waddya mean?

Hilda- Well the guy that you’ve had a thing for is, apperantly, head over heals for your roommate and you’re dealing with it like a mature, rational adult. What does that feel like?

Sabrina- You just have to accept it and not let it get to you. Y’know it’s nothing to get upset over.

Hilda- Well I am so impressed. D’ya think you can help me finish off these decorations?

Sabrina- Hmm, no problem.

She waves her finger in the air and the whole coffee house is alight with sparkles. When they clear all the beautiful, bright roses have wilted and blackened. The floral heart she had put up earlier falls down in a cascade of dead petals. The only thing still a cheery pink is her mug of pepto.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, maybe I am just a tad upset.

She takes a swallow of her cappupinko.

Run opening credits.

Int. Adams College hallway. Sabrina comes out of a classroom and almost collides with guy coming the other way. He’s a good head and a bit taller than she is. They both take a step to the side but still block each other. Then to the other side with the same results and are forced to interact.

Kevin- (Laughing) Sorry about that.

Sabrina- (Smiling) No, no problem. Next time I get to lead.

They pass one another but neither of them can resist looking back and smiling. Roxie stands near by watching her friend flirt with Kevin smiling, but Sabrina should really be looking where she’s going. She trips, falling full length at Roxie’s feet but immediately jumps back up again embarrassed. Kevin grimaces sympathetically and carries on his way.

Roxie- Smooth. Guys like a girl who can do her own stunts.

Sabrina- Isn’t he cute? We’ve been smiling at each other all week. (Excited) I’m hoping he’s gonna ask me out for valentines day.

Roxie- Oh please, don’t tell me you’re another one of those poor, pathetic souls who feels worthless if she doesn’t have a date for valentines day?

Sabrina- Well I guess I don’t have to tell you now.

Roxie- Sabrina, valentines day is nothing more than a commercial rip-off. They should just rename it St. Suckers day.

Miles joins them.

Miles- Hey.

Roxie- Miles, tell her that valentines day is nothing more than a bogus holiday engineered by the greeting card industry.

Miles- In cahoots with the flower companies and the catering manufacturers and I have a hunch that the tri-lateral commission is also involved.

Sabrina- Phew, I never realised how much you two have in common.

Roxie and Miles look at each other in horror.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem sits on the table in his housecoat and tasselled hat reading the paper. Hilda pours herself some coffee. Sheesh! Talk about taking your work home with you.

Salem- So Hilda, got any valentines plans?

Hilda- Oh yeah! Big goings on down at the Coffee House, and you?

Salem- Watching The Loveboat marathon.

Hilda- Well we’re doing better than most years my friend.

They clink coffee mugs.

Salem- Cheers

Hilda- (Bitterly) Of course Zelda probably has incredible plans that will put us both to shame, just like she’s thrown in my face every valentines day for the last six hundred and eleven years.

Salem- Guess again girlfriend, I happened to catch a peek at her appointment book.

Hilda- Salem! That’s private!

Salem- Hey, I had to use the box and I needed somethin’ to read.

Zelda comes down stairs shaking out a book.

Zelda- Does anyone know why there’s sand in my day-planner? (To Hilda) What are you smiling about?

Hilda- Oh nothing. What’ya doin’ Wednesday?

Zelda- (Reading) Hoping to catch up on some reading, grading some papers. Oh my lord, look at that, it’s valentines day.

Hilda- (Pleased) And you don’t have any plans and I do! I am throwing a huge valentines bash down at my highly successful coffee establishment.

Zelda- Hilda, when are you going to get it through your head that valentines day is not a competition between us?

Hilda- (Ecstatic) I’ve been waiting for this day for six hundred and eleven years.

The front door-bell rings.

Zelda- You really ought to get yourself a hobby.

She goes to answer the door.

Hilda- (To Salem) I have a hobby, gloating!

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda opens the door to the mailman who’s wrapped up against the cold with the ear-flaps of his cap turned down.

Zelda- Yes?

Mailman- Hi, I hate to bother you but I noticed that a few of your outgoing letters didn’t have stamps.

Zelda- Oh, sorry about that. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

Mailman- It’s my job.

Zelda- And you do it so well.

She turns to go into the house to get some stamps but turns back when a thought hits her.

Zelda- (Cont.) Say, would you like to be my date for valentines day?

Mailman- Well sure! (Laughing) Most people just give me a dollar or some stale candy.

Zelda- Oh a delightful sense of humour. Okay, well um Wednesday then, see you at eight er... (Reading his name tag) ...Calvin.

Calvin- Well I’ll see you at eight Zelda... or Hilda Spellman.

Zelda- Zelda.

She closes the door and turns to find Hilda stood with her mouth agape.

Zelda- What?

Hilda just stares in mute anger.

Zelda- (Cont.) Well how could I say no and break his poor little civil servant heart? Oh and you can make that six hundred and twelve in a row.

She licks the tip of her finger and draws a number one in the air before walking past her still dumstruck sister with a contented smile.

Ext. College house. Sabrina and Roxie walk up to the porch together.

Sabrina- I don’t mind not having a date for valentines day, it’s just I’m gonna miss the romantic stuff y’know?

Roxie- Yeah, I had this one romantic valentines day. This guy I was seeing gave me an ankle bracelet, a necklace and earrings.

Sabrina- (Getting out her keys) Wow, that’s quite a haul.

Roxie- Yeah, that’s what the jury said right before they sent him away for armed robbery.

Sabrina- Well at least you know he’s not with another girl. Ha-ha. Oh I’m sure I don’t wanna hear another word about valentines day.

Int. College house. Sabrina and Roxie enter to find Josh and Morgan sat together on the settee.

Morgan- Hey guys! Guess what Josh and I are doing for valentines day?

Sabrina- (To Roxie) Oh well that was a blissful nano-second.

Morgan- Josh is gonna surprise me with roses. (To Josh) Red, not pink. (To the girls) And chocolate. (To Josh) Dark, no nuts. (To the girls) And then he’s taking me to diner at this fabulous seafood place.

Josh- Gee! I never knew I was so thoughtful.

Roxie- By the time she’s through with you, you’ll be thoughtful and broke.

Roxie goes to her room.

Josh- Well I guess I have my work cut out for me. I will see you later.

Morgan- Okay.

They kiss while Sabrina is in the kitchen filling the kettle. She watches them with a scowl and bangs the kettle about loudly. They take no notice but do eventually break their kiss.

Morgan- (Cont.) Bye.

She goes off to gather up the glasses and plates from the coffee table and Josh heads for the door grabbing his coat. Sabrina leans over the counter.

Sabrina- (Whispering) Hey! What happened to the whole moonlit, romantic harbour cruise?

Josh- I never got a chance to tell her about it. You know Morgan, she knows what she wants.

He leaves. Morgan comes over smiling happily

Morgan- Josh is so perfect. I mean sure he needs a little push in the right direction but what man doesn’t? Oh this is absolutely the best relationship I have ever been in.

Sabrina- Oh well you certainly have a lot to compare it to.

Morgan- (Missing the jibe) Thank you. So what are your plans?

Sabrina- Oh no big plans yet but I’m hoping something’s going to happen with this guy in my philosophy class.

Morgan- Name?

Sabrina- Kevin O’... something-or-other.

Morgan- Kevin O’Connor! Tall, artsie, asked me out, I rejected him. Oh perfect for you! Don’t worry, I will set the whole thing up.

She heads for the phone. Sabrina hurries behind her worried.

Sabrina- Oh no-no-no-no. You really don’t have to call him.

Morgan- Please Sabrina, it’s the least I can do. I mean I owe you.

Sabrina- For what?

Morgan- You’re the one who introduced me to Josh.

Sabrina- Oh well in that case, start dialling.

Morgan picks up the phone and starts punching numbers.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(Under her breath) You owe me big time.

Int. Adams College hallway. Sabrina leans nonchalantly against the wall by the door wearing a snug fitting top and short black leather skirt. She has her book-bag over her shoulder and holds a bottle of Avian, or at least she tries to look nonchalant. She can’t help straightening her hair and fidgeting. Roxie comes by.

Roxie- Don’t tell me you’re standing here trying to look cool just so Morgan’s friend can ‘discover’ you in the hallway?

Sabrina- Why do you keep asking me questions you don’t wanna hear the answers to?

She takes a sip from her bottle of water.

Kevin- Sabrina?

Sabrina sprays out her mouthful of water in surprise and bends over wiping the spillage from her chin looking anything but cool and nonchalant.

Roxie- (Grinning to Kevin) Hi, I’m Roxie and yes, the poor girl with water coming out of her nose is Sabrina.

Sabrina- Yeah, it’s important to keep your nasal cavity well hydrated. You must be Kevin.

Like she didn’t already know.

Kevin- Yeah, it’s nice to meet you. Well this is kinda weird but I guess we have a date for valentines day. Morgan did tell you that right? Because if she didn’t then things just got really weird.

Sabrina- No-no-no, she told me. I’m really looking forward to it. I mean.. you know, if you are?

Kevin- Oh yeah! Of course I am. So er... Morgan’ll give you the details. She’s got the whole thing worked out.

Sabrina- Morgan?

Kevin- Yeah, we’re doubling with her and Josh. I think the four of us’ll have a really great time. I’ll see you.

Smiling he walks off.

Roxie- (Smiling) Bye.

Sabrina- (Not smiling to Roxie) The four of us?

Roxie- Hmm, a double date with Pete and Patty Perfect. That’ll be a rocking good time.

Sabrina- It wont be so bad. I mean Kevin seems nice and Morgan’s easy to take in small doses and Josh and I have so much history we’re practically like cousins.

Roxie- All I can say is, I’d rather be in a Turkish prison that on that dumb date.

She walks off smiling smugly. Sabrina raises her finger.

Sabrina- (To herself) That could be so easy.

She looks at her finger sorely tempted. Her finger gives a little ‘ping’ of eagerness.

Sabrina- (To her finger) Shh!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda follows Zelda down the stairs.

Hilda- I can’t believe you’re actually going through with this. What could you possibly have to say to a mailman?

Zelda- Well it just so happens that I’ve been doing some reading...

She picks up a book from the table and starts thumbing through it.

Zelda- (Cont.) And the history of the postal service is actually quite... Why is there sand all over it?

Salem- Air-mail pilots were strong and brave.

Hilda- You’re only going out with this guy so you’ll have a better valentines day than me. Well sister, and I mean that literally, this is gonna be one for the record books, ‘cause after tonight, I am gonna be the toast of Westbridge, the queen of VD. (On Zelda’s look) Valentines day!

She points at herself and changes from her everyday clothes into a slinky, figure hugging, red silk evening gown.

Salem- That certainly says VD to me.

Int. College house. The red silk theme is continued in Sabrina’s dress for her date, only in a more pinkie sort of way. She walks from her room behind the settee where Roxie and Miles both sit reading and calls up the stairs as she passes.

Sabrina- Morgan, hurry up, we’re gonna be late!

Miles- (To Roxie) I guess it’s just gonna be the two of us. Got any plans for tonight?

Roxie- (Sharply) What’s that supposed to mean?!

Miles- I mean we’re in the same house, I’m not doing anything and I just thought maybe we could play Risk or... battleship or... (On Roxie’s look) I’m gonna go to my room now.

He leaves.

Sabrina- Roxie, why are you so mean to Miles?

Roxie- I didn’t say anything.

Sabrina- You can destroy somebody with a look.

Roxie- (Proud) Yeah, it’s the one good thing I got from my mom.

Morgan comes dashing down stairs. Red silk must be mandatory for valentines dates.

Morgan- We’re late so make it quick. Blah-blah-blah I look gorgeous... (pirouettes) Blah-blah-blah. Breathtaking! Okay, let’s move out Spellman.

She heads for the door.

Sabrina- Bye Roxie. Have fun tonight... and try to be nice to Miles.

Roxie- I’ll try, as long a dork-boy doesn’t make me play perquackey.

Sabrina- (To herself) I have a feeling you wont mind. Make Miles’ good points as clear as a bell, make Roxie think he’s really swell.

She flicks her finger in Roxie’s direction as she pulls her coat on. Roxie’s head comes up from her paper with a smile.

Morgan- (To Sabrina) What are ya mumbling?

Sabrina- Oh er little pre-date pep-talk. Go team!

They leave. Miles ventures out of the safety of his room.

Miles- Roxie? I don’t mean, in any way, to invade your space but I just remembered it’s Planet of the apes week on the Sci-Fi channel. Do you mind?

Roxie- No I guess...

She looks up from her paper and is struck by the cute way that Miles’ unruly hair flops across his forehead.

Roxie- (Cont.) ...not.

She watches in awe as he walks to the couch. That same hair blowing in the breeze of his passage and she’s surprised that she’d never noticed how good looking he can be when he isn’t talking. He sits on the settee beside her.

Roxie- I never realised what beautiful eyes you have.

Miles looks around to see who else is in the room before turning back to Roxie.

Miles- You aren’t, by any chance, talking to me are you?

Roxie- Do you see anyone else here?

Smiling she taps the settee cushion beside her inviting Miles to move closer.

Int. Boston seafood restaurant. Sabrina sits beside Kevin at the table opposite Josh and Morgan.

Kevin- (Nervous) So, er-er did you grow up in Westbridge?

Sabrina- (Shy) Er yeah, well I, y’know, I moved here when I was sixteen.

Kevin- That-that’s really interesting.

Morgan- No it’s not! Come on people, cut to the chase! (To Kevin) Now Sabrina writes for the paper and is an accomplished scuba-diver. (To Sabrina) Kevin writes songs and once won the battle of the bands.

Kevin- (To Sabrina) You dive?!

Sabrina- (To Kevin) You write music?!

The above two lines are spoken simultaneously and fire up the conversation between the two.

Morgan- (Aside to Josh) Sometimes people just need a little push in the right direction.

Josh- And you’re awfully good at pushing.

Morgan- Thank you.

A waiter arrives at the table.

Waiter- If you would like to pick out your lobsters we can get started on your entrées.

Josh- Oh I can do it. My dads a seafood wholesaler, so I know my way around a crustacean.

Morgan- Oh make sure they’re alert, between two and three pounds and the shells aren’t discoloured.

Josh- Thanks for pointing that out.

Morgan- You’re welcome honey.

He walks off to the tanks looking up to the heavens. Morgan smiles happily.

Morgan- (Cont.)(To Sabrina and Kevin) Oh I’m starting to get that tingly feeling.

Sabrina- Is your throat closing up because you might be allergic to the shrimp?

Kevin- That is so weird, I just wrote a song about someone who’s allergic to shrimp.

Sabrina- Really? Well it must be hard to find something that rhymes with allergic?

Morgan- (Tapping her glass with her fork) Hello! Trying to express an emotion here. I think tonight is the night that Josh is finally going to say I love you.

Sabrina- To you? I mean like here? Tonight? I-I didn’t know you guys were that serious about each other?

Morgan- Very serious, but here’s my problem. Now when he says it, do I kiss him first and then say it or do I say it and then kiss him?

Kevin- Say it and then kiss him.

Morgan- Sabrina?

Sabrina- (snapping out of her own thoughts) Er... Y’know, why don’t I go mull it over in the little gulls room while I freshen up?

She stands and walks away from the table with a smile. As soon as her back is turned the smile fades and her shoulders droop as she makes her way to the bathroom. She passes the lobster tanks and Josh.

Josh- Let me guess, you didn’t trust me to pick out your lobster either?

Sabrina- No, I’m going to wash my hands. Listen Josh, I just wanna say I’m really happy for you and Morgan. I mean I think it’s great that everything is working out for you guys.

Josh- Sabrina, I’m breaking up with Morgan tonight.

Sabrina- What?!

Josh- I have had it! I am so sick of her ordering me around and telling me what I should or shouldn’t do!

Sabrina- But it’s valentines day!

Josh- Well she’ll have something to remember it by, a kiss-off... and that cross-eyed lobster!

Sabrina- Josh, you can’t break up with Morgan, you really care about her.

Josh- I know but she drives me insane! All right, I give my heart and soul to her, I get nothing in return. What am I supposed to do?

Sabrina- Okay but don’t do anything until I... powder my nose.

She heads for the bathroom again.

Josh- (Calling after) Well can’t that wait?

She points at her face before turning back to Josh. He shields his eyes, squinting from Sabrina’s brightly shinning nose.

Josh- (Cont.) I guess it can’t.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem is lay on the settee beside a large bowl of popcorn watching The Loveboat on TV.

Salem- Yam! Julie McCoy, I’d meet you on the aloha deck anytime.

Sabrina appears beside him in a swirl of sparkles.

Sabrina- Help, I’m having a little mid-date crisis.

Salem- You think you’ve got problems? Captain Stubbing just got dumped by Phyllis Diller.

Sabrina- Okay so since the words ‘Help’ and ‘Crisis’ aren’t registering, is aunt Zelda around?

Salem- Yep, she and Cliff Clavin are playing post office in the other room.

Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda and Calvin are enjoying a romantic valentines dinner. The conversation is riveting.

Zelda- So...

Calvin- So...

Zelda- Oh. Here’s a question. Er the new nine digit zip code, crazy fad or here to stay?

Calvin- I’m not sure, I-I-I think it’s a law or something.

An uncomfortable silence descends as Zelda sips from her wine glass. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, sorry to interrupt.

Zelda- (Glad for the interruption) Oh you’re not interrupting. Sabrina meet our new mailman Calvin.

They shake hands.

Zelda- (Cont.) Sit, eat, let me get you a plate.

Calvin- (To Sabrina) You’re the niece, aren’t you supposed to be on a date?

Sabrina- Oh I was on, I mean I am on a date but the whole Josh, Morgan thing just exploded.

Calvin- Well give me the shorthand. Who’s Josh, who’s Morgan?

Sabrina- Well Morgan’s my room-mate and Josh is her boyfriend who wanted to be my boyfriend while I still had a boyfriend but once I got rid of that boyfriend and wanted Josh for my boyfriend, we were just friends.

Calvin- With you so far.

Sabrina- Now he wants to break up with Morgan because he thinks that she doesn’t like him but I know that she does.

Zelda- (Totally lost) I’m sorry, what’s the problem?

Sabrina- If I don’t say anything to Morgan and they break up, that makes Josh technically available.

Calvin- It’s an interesting dilemma. Does Sabrina help them fix their relationship or does she keep her mouth shut and claim the man who could be rightfully hers?

Sabrina- Exactly.

Zelda- Well in that case Sabrina, Morgan’s your friend. You’re going to have to put your own feelings aside and do whatever you can to help her.

Calvin- But she can’t deny her feelings for Josh.

Sabrina- Hence the dilemma. Is there any kind of um... magical solution that might solve this?

Zelda- Afraid not.

Calvin- No, your aunts right. There are no simple solutions when it comes to relationships. Do everything you can to help your friends, then if they still break up, you wont feel guilty about er making your move.

Sabrina- Wow! That’s good advice. Thanks mailman. Gotta go.

She leaves. Zelda turns to Calvin with an impressed smile.

Zelda- You know that really was good advice. I had no idea you were so sensitive?

Calvin- Do you have any idea how many copies of ‘Psychology Today’ I deliver?

Zelda- Oh...

Her hand slips over his on the table.

Int. Boston Seafood restaurant. Sabrina rejoins her three friends at the table.

Sabrina- Sorry but you know how ladies rooms can be, or maybe you don’t. (To Kevin) I hope you don’t.

The waiters arrive,

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh look, lobster! Whoo-hoo!

Morgan looks at the ones placed before Sabrina, Kevin and Josh.

Morgan- Oh they’re so small. (To Josh) I-I told you to get the ones that were bigger.

Sabrina points at the remaining plate and the lobster on it doubles in size. The waiter places it before Morgan.

Sabrina- Oh well er sometimes they take a few minutes to plump.

Josh- (To Morgan) Happy?

Sabrina- Yeah of course she’s happy, everyone’s happy. Are you happy Kevin?

Kevin- Yeah, and if the waiter brings me a big bib I’ll be really happy.

Everyone grabs there shell crackers and makes ready to tuck in except Morgan.

Morgan- Oh wait-wait-wait. No one eats until we have a toast.

Josh- Morgan, maybe they don’t wanna toast. Maybe they’d just like to eat.

Morgan- Josh, what is the matter with you?

Josh- You’re always telling everyone what to do!

Morgan- Is that what you think?

Josh- Yeah it is.

Sabrina- Er well I, y’know, I think he means that sometimes you can just be like a tad over...

Morgan- (Interrupting) Excuse me! Our business!

Josh- Don’t yell at Sabrina, she just trying to help.

Morgan- I don’t need her help!

Josh- Right, you don’t anything from anybody.

Morgan- What I don’t need is your attitude!

Josh- Oh really? D’you want the list of things I don’t need from you?

Morgan- Oh a list? Nice to see you’ve finally organised something on your own for a change. I am so out of here!

She throws down her napkin and stands up.

Morgan- (Cont.) And don’t even try and stop me.

She walks away.

Josh- (Calling after) Morgan wait!

She stops and smiles, pleased that her walking out ploy had succeeded yet again.

Josh- (Cont.) If you see the waiter, could you tell him that we need some more butter?

Her smile fades and she storms out of the restaurant. Josh turns to his two silent and uncomfortable companions.

Josh- (Cont.) Look, I am sorry you guys had to see that. I don’t know what I was thinking getting involved with Morgan. Let’s face it, we were never meant to be together. I was probably just another notch in her Gucci belt.

Sabrina- <Sigh> Josh, Morgan is in love with you.

Josh- What?! She told you that?

Sabrina- Yeah, she told us that while you were over playing God with the lobsters.

Kevin nods in agreement.

Josh- Really, well if she’s in love with me why is she always bossing me around?

Sabrina- Well maybe she doesn’t know it bothers you. Maybe that’s just her style. Have you ever talked to her about it?

Josh- No.

Sabrina- Well I think you owe it to yourself and to Morgan to get all your feelings out there before you break up... or get back together.

Josh- Maybe you’re right.

Sabrina- Josh, I think you need to talk to her.

Josh- Yeah well after that crack about the butter, I don’t think that’ll be an option.

Sabrina- Good point. Gotta go.

She gets up to leave.

Kevin- Oh hey! What about our date?

Sabrina- Oh it was fun. Call me.

She dashes off.

Int. College house. Miles is having wild animal problems. The feral creature with the great looking, slim body, the long, dark, glossy mane and smouldering dark eyes closes in on him. He fends Roxie away with a chair.

Roxie- Come on Miles, it’s no big deal, I just wanna hold you.

They wrestle for the chair.

Miles- I understand the situation, but intimacy’s very frightening for me.

Roxie- Then get ready to be terrified.

She wrests the chair from him and he makes a break for his bedroom. Roxie streaks after him leaping over the settee but he makes it, closing and locking the door. Roxie tugs at the handle and bangs on the door as Morgan enters.

Morgan- If anybody cares, I had a very traumatic evening.

Nobody does. All Roxie cares about is figuring out a way to get into Miles’ room. She bends down peeping through the keyhole. Morgan sits at the table feeling sorry for her self.

Roxie- That sexy little scamp thinks he can climb out the window? Well I’ve got a window too.

She ducks into her room. Morgan watches her room-mates antics bemused as Sabrina comes in.

Sabrina- (Short of breath) Oh Phuph! Morgan you're here. I really want to talk to you about this evening.

Morgan- How could Josh treat me like that? I thought he cared about me.

Sabrina- He does care about you, he just... doesn’t like to be bossed around.

Morgan- So I have an opinion! If I hadn’t organised the whole evening, we never would have gone anywhere.

Sabrina- Yes you would have. Josh wanted to take you on a romantic moonlight cruise.

Morgan- Really? (Sabrina nods yes) But why didn’t he tell me?

Sabrina- You didn’t give him a chance to. If you guys don’t start listening to each other more, you’re gonna end up bossing around somebody new every month.

Morgan- Well that’s what I used to do... until Josh. (Dreamily) He’s so sweet and sensitive. You know the one guy that I actually could see having a long-term relationship with. (Pleading) Oh Sabrina, I don’t want it to be over.

Sabrina- Don’t tell me, tell him.

Morgan- But I-I don’t even know where he is.

Sabrina- Errrr, he’s at the Coffee House.

Morgan- How do you know?

Sabrina- Oh just call it a hunch.

She and Morgan grab their handbags and leave. As she goes through the door Sabrina raises her finger and there’s the ping of magic.

Int. Boston Seafood restaurant. Josh suddenly leaves off trying to crack a lobster claw and looks up.

Josh- I’ve gotta get some coffee!

Without another word to Kevin, who’s determined to enjoy his lobster, Josh dashes from the restaurant but Kevin’s enjoyment is sharply curtailed when the waiter comes over a saddles him with the bill.

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. The guitarist strikes the final chord of his song to a round of applause and starts into his next tune as Zelda and Calvin enter to round off their romantic date. Hilda spots them and hurries over.

Hilda- Well hello, welcome to Hilda’s. (To Calvin) Oh take a seat. (To Zelda) So, are you ready to give up? Admit that my valentines is ten times more fabulous than yours could ever be?

Zelda- Actually this date is going extremely well. This mailman delivers.

Hilda- Er just so I’m clear. You’re saying that this random guy who arbitrarily rang our doorbell is turning out to be your dream-date?

Zelda- (Nodding yes) It’s a crazy world.

She goes to join her date.

Hilda- Yeah, it’s freakin’ hysterical.

She stomps over to the guitarist and pushes him off his stool.

Hilda- (Cont.) All right, you’re done. (Into the microphone) Okay, happy valentines day. What a great holiday. (Laughs) I’m about one bad relationship away from being one of those women who has thirty cats and pathetically names them after ex-boyfriends. Hurry Back, Big Fat Lier, Diners Ready.

The audience laugh.

Hilda- I had another cat, Can’t Commit, but he ran away.

Josh stands by the counter helping himself to nibbles and chuckling at Hilda’s jokes. Sabrina and Morgan enter.

Sabrina- Oh there’s Josh, go talk to him.

Morgan- (Nervous) Oh I can’t.

Sabrina- Well if you don’t, I will and who knows what I’ll say?

Morgan- All right, I’m going. Thanks Sabrina.

Slowly she walks over to Josh biting her lip.

Morgan- Hi.

Zelda spots Sabrina stood watching her friends and comes over.

Zelda- Hey honey, are you okay?

Sabrina- Yeah, I did the right thing. Josh and Morgan should be together and...

She looks over to see the pair hug each other smiling.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...Well, I should just get on with my life.

Zelda- Way-hay! How was the guy you went out with?

Sabrina- Oh he was really cute but I screwed up the whole date before I even got a chance to know him. I’m going to go home and eat my weight in chocolates now.

She heads for the door and doesn’t see her aunt wave her finger in the air. She reaches to open the door but someone beats her to it. She steps to one side to let him pass but so does he. She steps the other way but still they block each other.

Kevin- Oops sorry.

He looks down and she looks up and they finally recognise each other.

Kevin- (Cont.) Oh hey, we gotta stop meeting like this.

Sabrina- Kevin look, I’m really sorry about tonight, I handled things really badly. Do ya think we could try it again?

Kevin- Yeah, I’d like that.

They smile at each other.

Kevin- (Cont.) So can I er buy ya a cup o’ coffee?

Sabrina- Sure.

Hilda- (Into microphone) Here’s another thing I hate about people in relationships. That they’re in relationships.

Sabrina- (To Kevin) You know, I know a great place down the street.

Kevin- Yeah.

They leave arm in arm. Josh and Morgan continue to hug and over Morgan’s shoulder Josh watches Sabrina leave and the smile fades from his lips.

Ext. College house. Kevin walks Sabrina home.

Kevin- I had a really great time tonight.

Sabrina- Yeah, we’re on a role you know. It’s our first night out and we’ve already had two dates.

Kevin- (Laughs) So is it too early if I call you tomorrow?

Sabrina- You can call me as soon as I get inside.

He leans down to her and she tilts her head back to accept his kiss. When they break he leaves her glowing happily.

Int. College house. Sabrina enters and notices something is out of place. It doesn’t take her long to realise that it’s Roxie’s lips planted firmly on Miles’ as they lie on the settee together.

Sabrina- Whoops, I guess Miles had a few more good points than I realised.

Roxie comes up for air looking dishevelled, flushed and excited. Miles twists round beneath her.

Miles- I know how this looks. I tried to put up a fight but she’s very persistent.

Roxie grabs him by the hair and flips him back over before diving in for more tonsil tennis.

Sabrina- (To herself) Oh well since it’s almost the end of valentines night, let’s give Roxie back her bite.

She points at the smooching pair. Roxie immediately jumps back in horror.

Roxie- Oh my God! What have I done?

Miles- You’ve made this the most special valentines day ever.

Roxie- You repulse me!

She runs off to her room. Miles sits up smiling.

Miles- (Calling after) I’m okay with that!

Still smiling he gives Sabrina a thumbs up.

Run credits



Pic of the Week