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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Welcome Traveler

Written By - Adam England
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Miles - Trevor Lissauer
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Jim-Thom - Richard Kline
Kenji - Gedde Watanabe
Heather - Danni Wheeler
Jason - Dave Engfer
Professor Burke - Jerry Sroka
Chuck - Leslie Jordan
Caterer - Michael Caldwell

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Salem is sat in his favourite spot on the linen basket when Zelda comes from her room carrying an overnight bag and wearing a light summer dress.

Zelda- Okay, how do I look?

Salem- Like a vision, an angel descended from heaven. In short... Me-ow!

Zelda- Whatever it is you want... No.

Salem- I want nothing but to wish you well on your Other Realm egg-head retreat.

Zelda- (Getting her jacket from the stand) You just wanna get rid of me so you can have one of your wild bachelor weekends. Of all the times for Hilda to be picking coffee beans in Honduras.

Salem- You don’t have to worry about me partying. I’ll be having a quiet weekend curled up with ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’

Zelda- I appreciate that. The last thing I wanna do is stress-out about you while I’m at Genius Polusa.

Salem- Now hurry up and get out o’ here so I can start missing you.

The closet door-bell rings and flashes of lightning course around the door-jam.

Zelda- Who could that be?

Salem- I-I’m not expecting anyone. (Under his breath) So soon.

Zelda opens the closet to a white uniformed caterer with a clip-board and a pinyada.

Caterer- Mr. Saberhagen? I’ve got your order here for fifty folding chairs, a deluxe meter bar, three gallons of guacamole and one pinyada. You must be having one heck of a party.

Salem- Fiesta!

Zelda- Fiesta’s over gato stupido.

Salem- Can’t I at least keep the pinyada?

Zelda- You are the pinyada.

She points and Salem is hanging from the ceiling in bright multicoloured bunting in the shape of a donkey. But a donkey with a cats head.

Salem- <Gasp!> Help! A stomach full of candy? Oh Henry, show me the nougat!

Run opening credits.

Int. Adams College Philosophy class. Sabrina sits listening to the lecture with her fellow students, including Miles.

Professor Burke- ...And that brings us to the very crux of existentialism. Now can anyone prove to me...

He places a wooden chair at the front of the class.

Professor Burke- (Cont.) ...that this chair exists?

Sabrina raises her hand.

Professor Burke- (Cont.) Miss Spellman?

Sabrina- Well according to Descarte, the fact that I perceive the chair and the fact that I perceive myself, based on the fact that you perceive me...

Professor Burke- (Interrupting) Anyone else?

Miles raises his hand.

Professor Burke- (Cont.) Mr. Goodman, prove to me to me that this chair exists?

Miles- What chair?

Professor Burke- Brilliant! Class, take note of Mr. Goodman’s unconventional perspective on the, so called, obvious. Dismissed.

Sabrina and Miles, along with the rest of the class put away their books and head for the door.

Miles- (To Sabrina) Great, now the other kids are gonna beat me up.

Sabrina- Miles, this isn’t grade school.

Miles- Grade school? Try ‘K’ through twelve.

Int. Adams College hallway. Sabrina and Miles come out of the class where the other kids are waiting. Well two of them anyway.

Jason- Hey Goodman!

Miles- (Aside to Sabrina) I think I can take the girl.

Sabrina- I’ve got your back.

Jason- Great job in philosophy. ‘What chair?’ Brilliant.

Miles- Well thanks. I wonder if it’ll work with ‘What homework?’

Sabrina- Y’know, technically, there really was a chair in there. (On their look) It was brown and you could see it. (On their continued look) Forget it.

Heather- (To Miles) We just wanted to say that we were blown away by your intellect and your whole take on life. You seem like the kind of guy who’s open to new ideas.

Sabrina- Definitely. You should see the bizarre electronic equipment he has in his room and he claims he can communicate with...

Miles gives her a jab with his elbow.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...no one.

Heather- Jason and I just joined a group you might be interested in.

Jason- It’s dedicated to the exploration of alternate realities and the search for truth in the universe.

Sabrina- (To Miles) Wow! It sound like it’s right up your alley.

Heather- Well we have open meetings every Friday night and we’d love it if you came by?

She hands Miles a card.

Miles- No thanks, I’m not much of a socia...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) He’ll be there.

Heather- Great! Bye.

Heather and Jason leave with a wave and a smile.

Miles- Since when are you my mother? I’m not going to that group and I’m not calling you and dad when I get there.

Sabrina- Y’know, you never go out. Do you have any social life at all?

Miles- This is it! I’m making eye contact and everything.

Sabrina- You’re always talking about alternate realities and junk like that. It puts most people to sleep but those two think you’re a god!

Miles- In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t feel real comfortable around large groups of people.

Sabrina- Well what do you consider a large group?

Miles- Anyone more than me.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem sits on the settee watching the TV. The front door bell rings.

Salem- (Calling out) Come on in! The moneys on the coffee table.

The Chinese take away guy enters with a box full of stir-fry goodness.

Kenji- Hello? Kenton Gardens!

No one answers. He looks around at the empty room with just a cat watching TV.

Kenji- (Calling out) I’m stealing all your furniture!

Still no reply. He walks round the settee and places the delivery on the coffee table and picks up the cash.

Kenji- (Cont.)(Calling) Thank you! (Under his breath) For the lousy tip.

He stuffs the money in his pocket and heads for the door.

Salem- (To himself) That idiot forgot the fortune cookies.

But not quietly enough. Kenji spins round

Kenji- I did not forget the fortune cookies!

He looks around confused and makes eye contact with the only creature in the room.

Kenji- (Cont.)(To Salem) What did you say?

Salem- Der.... Meow?

Int. College house. Sabrina and Roxie come out of their room dressed up for a night out.

Sabrina- Hey, maybe we should invite Miles to come to the movies with us?

Roxie- Do we have to? We’re meeting normal people tonight.

Sabrina- What if I promise he wont use the words Roswell, bigfoot or Klingon?

Roxie- We’d still have to deal with his latest conspiracy theory. (Imitating Miles) The moon landing was a total hoax.

Sabrina- Look, I happen to know there’s a whole group of people that are very interested in what Miles thinks... and not just psychiatrists.

Roxie shrugs, Sabrina goes the Miles’ room and knocks on the door with a tap.... tapitytapitytapitytapitytapitytap... tap.... tap... tapitytapitytapitytapity... kick.

Miles- (OS) Come in Sabrina.

Int. Miles’ room. The lights are off and he’s standing beside his new prized possession. A high powered telescope when Sabrina enters.

Miles- Thanks for the secret knock.

Sabrina- Oh no problem, and don’t worry, I wasn’t followed. A new toy?

Miles- I’ve been saving for this baby since I was fifteen. This is the Argonaut XR-9, eight inch parabolic primary mirror, eight hundred millimetre focal length. So powerful, pointing it at the moon is like being there. Which is a lot more than I can say for Mr. Neil Armstrong.

Sabrina- All very interesting, now how about taking a break and coming with us to the movies?

Miles- No thanks, I’m staying in tonight.

Sabrina- Miles, you can’t stay in every night! How’s everyone gonna know what a great guy you are if all you do is...? Hey, can you point this thing at the mens weight room?

She turns the telescope and looks through the eye-piece.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Wow! Apparently you can. Hello.

Miles- The truth is, I was thinking about going to that alternate reality group tonight but I feel weird going alone.

Sabrina- Oh well Roxie and I’ll go with you.

Miles- Really?

Sabrina- Yeah, you know we can go to the movies anytime but how many times do you get to seek out universal truth?

Miles- Well how are you gonna get Roxie to come along?

Sabrina- I’m gonna lie.

Int. Spellman living room. Kenji is sat beside Salem trying to tempt him with noodles.

Kenji- Mmmm, all you have to do is talk for me and you get the chow mien. Mmm-mmm, pork.

Salem- Oh-oh-oh the other white meat! Fine! I’m talking see?! Now gimme my chow mien!

Kenji- I knew I wasn’t crazy, you are a talking cat. You could make me a very wealthy man. I could quit this stupid job and move back home to Tokyo.

Salem- Hold the phone! Why’s a Japanese guy working in a Chinese restaurant?

Kenji- Why is a cat talking? Oh that’s right, to make me rich! You’re coming with me!

He grabs Salem and heads for the door.

Salem- Oh! I knew I should have ordered pizza!

Int. Jim-Thom’s house. Entrance hall. Sabrina, Roxie and Miles enter. Star shaped coloured lights and crystal lamps abound with NASA prints adorning the walls.

Roxie- This isn’t a movie theatre, you lied to me.

Sabrina- All in the name of truth.

Miles- (Looking at the print) Okay, I see the Crab Nebula, I’m starting to feel at home.

Roxie- And I’m ready to go home.

Sabrina- (Grabbing her friend before she can leave) Oh wait-wait-wait! Look, it looks like they’re showing a movie in there.

She points through the gap in the curtained off room and gives Roxie a little shove in that direction.

Int. Jim-Thom’s house. Meeting room. The three friends enter to find a dozen or so people siting cross-legged on cushions watching a large screen TV that’s apperantly tuned to the Discovery Channel.

TV Narrator- Human cells contain the very same primordial elements that compose all heavenly bodies throughout the universe.

The picture blends from the double-helix of the DNA through the galaxy to the planet Earth.

TV Narrator- (Cont.) We are children of the stars.

Miles- (To Roxie and Sabrina) Yes! I’ve always maintained that.

The picture resolves through a picture of a smiling baby to that of a middle aged man with hands held together in prayer.

Jim-Thom- Join me, Jim-Thom, on an epic journey to meet your mortal challenge and discover your cosmic soul.

Sabrina- Or better yet, your cosmic soul-train. Anyone feel like dancin’?

Heather gets up from her cushion at the front of the room and comes over.

Heather- Miles, I am so glad you made it.

Miles- Hey Heather, how’s it goin’? You remember Sabrina?

Sabrina- Philosophy class? Girl in the front row? Sees chairs that aren’t really there?

Heather- It doesn’t ring a bell.

Miles- And this is...

Roxie- (Interrupting) Ida! (Aside to Sabrina) Ida rather be anywhere else than here.

Heather- (Ignoring the two girls) What did you think of the video?

Miles- I just caught the end but it seemed to completely parallel my world view.

Heather- Jim-Thom is a brilliant thinker and we told him how insightful you are. He was very impressed.

Miles- (Surprised) With me?

Heather- Oh yes. Come and meet some of the others.

She takes his hand a leads him into the group.

Sabrina- (To Roxie) How perfect are they together?

Roxie- It’s like someone took Ken and Barbie and dunked them in the freak machine.

Sabrina- What’s with you Roxie? I mean maybe these people aren’t exactly like us but that doesn’t make them freaks.

Roxie- ...

Her reply is stifled in her throat by the arrival of a short man with grey hair wearing a tracksuit. He’s holding a small crystal that’s hung round his neck.

Chuck- Greetings. (To Sabrina) My Jim-Thom crystal is picking up powerful vibrations from you. Permission to touch your aura?

Sabrina and Roxie take a quick step back from the freak.

Sabrina- Er let’s just be friends! I’m Sabrina and this is...

Roxie- (Interrupting) Someone who was told she was going to the movies.

Sabrina- And you are?

Chuck- The names Chuck, but names aren’t important here. What counts is what’s on the inside.

He does a strange salute by placing his left palm against his chest, raising his thumb to his forehead and then holding his hand forward in a giving gesture.

Roxie- (Aside to Sabrina) Don’t worry, I have pepper-spray in my bag.

Sabrina- So what’s the deal with this Jim-Thom guy? Does he have an uncle in the pillow business?

Chuck- Oh Jim-Thom feels that the closer we are to earth, the more freely we can absorb it’s knowledge.

Sabrina- Oh, so you learn through your butt?

Chuck- Ha-ha! Yes, Jim-Thom appreciates humour. He’s an open, nurturing man. All he asks is that we-we maintain a respectful distance from... his forbidden zone.

Sabrina & Roxie- (Together) Excuse me?

Chuck points across the room to a pair of sliding doors.

Chuck- That. It’s his inner space, it leads to a place of mystery, a place of magic.

He makes another gesture towards the doors. This one squatting down and leaning forward with his head down between his outstretched arms.

Sabrina- (To Roxie) Well I’m ready for that movie, how about you?

Roxie- Absolutely.

They wave to Miles who is surrounded be like thinking people. He glances over and gives them a thumbs-up before they leave.

Int. Kenton Gardens Chinese restaurant, store room. Amongst the piles of boxes and cartons sits a wire mesh cage. Salem is inside it as Kenji enters.

Salem- About time! Where were you?

Kenji- Leaving messages for every talent agency from here to Hollywood sign. You are going to make me filthy rich. You headline in Vagas and have your own TV show where you dispense justice with attitude.

Salem- Your little money making scheme is over. At any moment my friends are going to crash through that curtain to rescue me! Just watch.

They both watch the curtained doorway.

Salem- (Cont.) Nah, I took a shot.

Int. College house. Sabrina enters from class.

Sabrina- Hey Rox. Hey Miles wasn’t in philosophy today, have you seen him?

Roxie- He came in after you left for class, changed clothes and headed off to Jim-Thom’s house.

Sabrina- He’s been there three days in a row.

Roxie- Well that’s what usually happens when you join a cult.

Sabrina- Roxie, it’s not a cult, it’s just a... group of lost souls who worship one guy and don’t question anything he says. (On Roxie’s look) Maybe I should go check on Miles.

Int. Jim-Thom’s house, meeting room. It’s Chuck’s smiling face that’s on the TV screen this time as the faithful gather round.

Chuck- Jim-Thom changed my life.

Sabrina enters.

Chuck- (Cont.) Before him my life was about material things. My helicopter, my winery, but I traded all that for Jim-Thom’s gift of enlightenment.

He makes the heart, head, giving gesture. The man himself looks a little embarrassed as the gathering applaud and he bashfully stands to receive pats on the back from his fellows. Heather and two other girls begin to massage his shoulders and his eyes go wide with pleasure.

Chuck- Oh lordy!

Sabrina- Oh brother! Miles, get away from the little man and come with me.

Miles- Hey Sabrina, what are you doing here?

Sabrina- Er I’m a little worried about you. I haven’t seen you in a few days.

Miles- I’m doing great, I’m meeting wonderful... (He makes the giving gesture to a passing colleague) ...intelligent people... (He does it again to another) ...and I’m learning so much from Jim-Thom. He has incredible powers.

Sabrina- Well so did Spiderman but he didn’t ask people to give up their helicopters.

Miles- Real stuff! He has the psychic ability to communicate with plants and insects, and also, usually you have to be a full fledged traveler before you hear this, he’s a witch.

Sabrina- A what?!

Jim-Thom- A witch.

Sabrina spins round to find the man from the earlier TV show standing behind her. He’s tall, slim and middle aged.

Jim-Thom- (Cont.) I don’t believe we’ve met.

Miles- This is Sabrina.

Jim-Thom- Sabrina, I’m Jim-Thom, glad to have you aboard on this special journey.

He walks serenely past her to the sliding doors and turns.

Jim-Thom- (Cont.) Welcome traveler.

He makes his mystical heart, head, giving gesture and the sliding doors open magically as his followers return the salute. He backs through the doors into a swirling blue mist as the doors close once more. Sabrina watches with a pinched frown of suspicion between her eyebrows.

Sabrina- Miles, do you really believe that Jim-Thom is a witch?

Miles- Look, I know it sounds weird but I’ve seen the man do amazing things, appear out of thin air, make stuff vanish.

Sabrina- But witches aren’t supposed to go around announcing they’re witches.

Miles- And you would know that how?

Sabrina- ...Well... If I was a witch, y’know I-I-I wo-I woul-I wouldn’t be blabbing it all over town!

The sliding doors open to reveal Jim-Thom sat floating on thin air.

Miles- Look at that! Don’t you wish you could levitate?

Sabrina- Interesting technique. Gotta go.

She leaves through the curtains.

Int. Jim-Thom’s house, entrance hall. Once Sabrina comes through and makes sure none of the faithful are present, she indulges in an interesting technique of her own. She makes herself vanish.

Ext. Genius Camp. The Other Realm. It’s not all academic fun. The audience has to indulge in boring old Mexican waves. When Zelda sits down from it’s latest pass she finds the seat beside her occupied.

Sabrina- Hi aunt Zelda.

Zelda- Oh! Sabrina!

Sabrina- Who would have guessed that geniuses knew the wave?

Zelda- Oh we egg-heads love to let it all hang out. I wish you could have been at Isaac Newton’s last night, the things that man can do with an apple.

Sabrina- (Quickly changing the subject) Anyway aunt Zelda, I just came by to ask you a question. Have you ever heard of a guy named Jim-Thom?

Zelda- No, who is he?

Sabrina- He’s the leader of a cult that Miles has joined.

Zelda- Why did Miles join a cult?

Sabrina- I told him to... but that’s beside the point. Anyway, Jim-Thom is claiming he’s a witch!

Zelda- Oh I hate to think one of our own is using his powers for evil.

The wave comes round again and both Zelda and Sabrina go up for it. Once it’s passed.

Sabrina- Well is there any way for me to tell if he’s really a witch?

Zelda- Well you’ll have to perform the knuckle test.

Sabrina- Oh of course, the knuckle test... What’s the knuckle test?

Zelda- You steal a hair from his left pinkie knuckle. If the hair curls, he’s not a witch.

Sabrina- Is there any other way?

Zelda- Be thankful, when I was a girl you had to go in through the nose.

Sabrina- Urgh!

The wave comes round again and when they sit down Sabrina is gone.

Int. Jim-Thom’s inner space. Sabrina appears in a swirl of sparkles. The room is plushly, if somewhat gaudily decked out. Tiger striped cushions cover the settee, a cocktail bar fills one corner of the room and expensive ornaments and silverware abounds.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Ah so this is the inner space. I guess the cult business pays pretty well.

Jim-Thom- (OS) I’ll join you right after I cleanse my soul.

Sabrina- Time to be a fly on the wall!

She zaps herself just before Jim-Thom enters. I small bluebottle buzzes over to the coffee table and alights on a book. It rubs it’s front, human shaped, arms together as it’s very human face looks around.

Sabrina, the fly- Must have garbage! No! Gotta focus.

The phone rings and Jim-Thom answers.

Jim-Thom- Yeah hello Jim-Thom... Hey Harry!... Yeah, it’s been a very fruitful week... U-hu, I have seen my early retirement package and his name is Miles Goodman. Ha-ha!

Sabrina, the fly- (To Herself) Okay, we know he’s a crook, now let’s find out if he’s a witch.

Jim-Thom- Hey, how about you and I taking a cruise down to the Bahamas for a little R and R?

As he talks a small fly buzzes about and lands on his left little finger. There’s a tug.

Jim-Thom- (Cont.) Aw! Ah!

The fly buzzes off with a very curly knuckle hair.

Sabrina, the fly- It’s official, he’s not a witch and he’s got eczema. (She glances up) O-ho!

Jim-Thom is approaching with a plastic fly-swatter He brings it down hard.

Sabrina, the fly- Gotta fly!

And as always happens the fly is quicker than the arm. Somehow she escapes.

Jim-Thom- Darn!

He watches it buzz around his head, then suddenly it’s gone.

Int. Jim-Thom’s house. Entrance hall. A swirl of sparkles resolves itself into Sabrina. Although something isn’t quite right.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Huh! Close call.

She makes a step towards the curtains but notices that her black, hairy, insectoid leg doesn’t go with her brown leather mini-skirt. She gives the leg a zap of it’s own turning into her smother, shapely, humanoid leg.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Phew! That would have been a nightmare to shave.

She goes through the curtain.

Int. Jim-Thom’s house Meeting room. It’s feeding time at the cult. One member goes round with a large bowl of glop filling smaller ones for the faithful. Sabrina goes over to Chuck.

Sabrina- Oh hi Chuck, sorry to rain on your psychic parade but have you seen Miles?

Chuck- He went home to get something for Jim-Thom.

Chucks bowl is filled with a dollop of glop.

Sabrina- Well what are you people eating?

Jason- Mung beans and rice.

Heather- Jim-Thom says that pure living starts with a strict vegetarian diet.

Sabrina- So he’s a witch and a nutritionist?

Heather nods yes as Miles enters loaded down with his brand new Argonaut XR-9 telescope.

Everyone- Greetings traveler.

Miles- Oh greetings fellow travelers.

Balancing his precious telescope in one arm he struggles to return the giving gesture.

Miles- Sabrina, you’re back?

Sabrina- Yeah, who could miss mung beans and rice night? Miles, what are you doing with your telescope?

Miles- Sabrina, it’s not my telescope anymore than this is my planet or these are my hands.

Chuck- Jim-Thom tells us possessions should not take over our lives.

Jason- The Jim-Thom teachings

Heather- Chapter seven, verse twelve. Travelers.

They all stand and bow their heads.

Everyone- (Together) You’ve got enough; you love your stuff.

Sabrina- That’s it? Those are his pearls of wisdom? Look Miles, everyone. Okay, I’ve got something to tell you and I’ll try to be delicate. Jim-Thom is a big fat liar! He’s a fake! A phoney! A con! A cheater! A chiseller! A bamboozler! A swindler! He’s bunko! Bogus...!

Miles- (Interrupting) Sabrina stop! Jim-Thom already warned us our friends would say that about him.

Sabrina- Because it’s true! I overheard him talking in his stupid "Inner space"

Chuck- Easy there! We don’t go around insulting your forbidden zone.

Sabrina- Jim-Thom is planing to take all your money.

Miles- That’s ridiculous! All Jim-Thom is trying to do is give us a better life and lead us to true happiness.

Sabrina- But you were happy before! Remember, you were so excited to just look at the moon!

Miles- And then you told me to get involved on this planet, and now, for the first time in my life, I feel connected with myself, with other people and with the universe. Sabrina, thanks to you, I feel whole!

Sabrina- Yeah well... Get over it.

Int. Jim-Thom’s inner space. He’s reclining on his plush settee holding a mirror while he plucks his eyebrows. The knock on his door causes him to yank out a few too many and he winces with pain.

Jim-Thom- Who is it?

Kenji- Delivery! Kenton Gardens!

Jim-Thom gets up, releases half a dozen safety chains and opens the door. Kenji enters.

Jim-Thom- Hmm. Food in one hand, a cat in the other. You give me a discount or I report you to the health department.

Kenji puts the food down on the table and holds up the cage.

Kenji- This isn’t just any cat, it’s a talking cat. It’s going to make me rich. Tell him cat.

Salem, for once in his life, stays silent.

Jim-Thom- I’ll get my wallet.

He leaves.

Kenji- (To Salem) You really irritate me, you embarrass me Salmon.

Salem- The names Salem you idiot!

Jim-Thom returns with his wallet unnoticed.

Salem- (Cont.) If you’re going to hold me hostage you could at least show me some respect and call me by my real... (Spots Jim-Thom) ...meow.

But it’s far too late.

Salem- (Cont.) Ahh Jeez.

Jim-Thom- This is a miracle, a divine sign from a higher power. I must own it.

Salem- I’m not for sale.

Kenji- Make an offer.

Jim-Thom- Ten thousand dollars and that includes the take out.

Kenji- Sold!

He and Jim-Thom shake on it.

Salem- Ghe!

Int. Jim-Thom’s house. Meeting room. Sabrina’s still trying to un-convert the converted.

Sabrina- Okay Chuck, let’s go with your argument. Let’s say that anyone who levitates is a witch, well magicians levitate and David Copperfield is a magician. Ergo...?

Chuck- (Interrupting) David Copperfield is a witch!

This conclusion meets with rapturous approval from the travelers.

Sabrina- No! No-no-no! Okay, we’ll start again. Okay, if a person pulls a rabbit out of a hat, we call this person a...?

Chuck- A witch!

Chucks on a role and Sabrina buries her head in her hands.

Miles- Sabrina, I think it would be a good idea if you left now.

She sighs and is about to agree when the sliding doors to Jim-Thom’s inner space opens and he roles out a tea trolley with something on top covered by a sparkly cloth. The travelers seat themselves on their cushions and Sabrina slips off to one side.

Jim-Thom- Fellow travelers, I have a special treat for you. Tonight I have proof the mortal challenge has been met. I present to you a genuine cosmic soul, an ancient, gifted prophet who has chosen to visit us in a unique form.

He whips away the sparkly cover to reveal a small black cat in a cage. Sabrina’s eyes open wide with surprise as she recognises said ancient, gifted prophet.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Salem?!

Jim-Thom- Stealthy messenger from beyond, revered by witches and pharos, please share with us your wisdom.

Sabrina- (Incanting under her breath) Birds fly, dogs walk but this cat no longer talks.

She enacts the spell with a flick of her finger.

Jim- Thom- Anytime you’re ready cosmic soul.

Salem’s lips move but nothing comes out, and no-one is more surprised by this than Salem.

Jim-Thom- (Cont.) Anytime now.

The silence goes on.

Jim-Thom- (Cont.) Talk amongst yourselves.

He takes the none-talking cat back into his private room. The doors close.

Sabrina- I think this whole charade proves my point.

Jason- Of course the cats not going to speak, he’s picking up on your negative energy.

Chuck- A prophet can’t reveal himself to a none-believer.

Sabrina- Okay, I didn’t want to have to resort to this.

She turns on the big screen TV and as she does gives it a touch with her magic finger. The screen comes to life showing the interior of Jim-Thom’s inner space. He’s stood eating Chinese take away with chop-sticks and talking angrily at the cat.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Look!

Everyone turns to the TV to see and hear.

Jim-Thom- (On the TV) You back stabbing little vermin eater. I shelled out ten grand for you! If I tell you to talk, you had better talk! Those idiots aren’t gonna keep falling for that levitation trick.

Chuck- Idiots! He can’t be talking about us?

Jim-Thom- (On the TV) Sure, I can string Chuck along, he’s got oat-meal for brains. I've gotta find a new angle to keep the rest of those losers sucked in.

Miles- Sabrina was right! Jim-Thom is a hoax!

Sabrina- Look, his inner space, it’s not a spiritual haven, it’s a bachelor pad.

Chuck- My mobile wet-bar! That’s my foax tiger skin! That’s my couch! He said he was gonna donate it to an orphanage!

Sabrina- Which one? Our Lady of Saint Hefner?

Jason- Jim-Thom also said we had to become vegetarians! So why’s he eating Mongolian beef?!

Chuck- Brother, we’ve been had!

They all get up and head for the door.

Chuck- (Cont.) This stinks!

Everyone leaves except Sabrina and Miles.

Sabrina- Are you okay?

Miles- I can’t believe I got conned like this.

Miles follows the rest and Sabrina is left alone. Her lips tighten in anger and she flings out her arm blasting apart the sliding doors to Jim-Thom’s inner space and marches through. The blast of wind from Sabrina’s released, angry, magical energy has all the loose objects in the room swirling around. Jim-Thom covers his head with his arms for protection. When he sees Sabrina he jumps to his feet.

Jim-Thom- How did you get in here?

Sabrina- Well if you were a witch you’d know!

She points at herself and does her own levitation trick. She hovers threateningly above him.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And next time you’re going to impersonate one, please do something original.

Another point and the fake tiger skin cushions on the settee meld into one very real and hungry tiger. It growls at Jim-Thom, who backs away. Sabrina zaps it back to a pile of cushions before it can make him lunch. Then she settles back down to the floor.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Everybody’s on to you, all your cosmic travelers have left because they know what kind of person you really are. A charlatan and a thief!

Jim-Thom- You know you and I could make a lot of money together.

Sabrina- Maybe I didn’t make myself clear, you’re out of the cult business Jim-Thom!

Jim-Thom- But I have no other skills!

Sabrina raises her arm. Thunder crashes directly above Jim-Thom’s house, lightning flashes. Jim-Thom cringes in fear.

Jim-Thom- (Cont.) I’ll get some.

He grabs his Mongolian beef and runs for the door.

Sabrina- Tail of rat, wing of bat, allow this cat to chit and chat.

She points at Salem.

Salem- Oh Sabrina! You saved my life! Jim-Thom said he was gonna do unspeakable things to me if I didn’t talk. (Sob!) He... (Sob!) He... (Sob!) He took the Mongolian beef!

Int. College house. Sabrina sits on the settee reading with the Argonaut XR-9 on it’s tripod beside her. Miles enters.

Miles- Hey.

Sabrina- Hey Miles.

Miles- Oh! You got back my telescope, thanks Sabrina.

Sabrina- No problem. I’m sorry I pushed you to get involved with Jim-Thom.

Miles- You didn’t force me to join that group, and it wasn’t all bad. I might have temporarily lost my mind but... I gained a few friends.

Sabrina- Really?

Miles- Yeah, after we left Jim-Thom’s, all the ex-travelers went out for chicken and waffles.

Sabrina- Well at least it’s better than mung beans.

Miles- Sabrina, I gotta tell ya. The way you went in there and put yourself on the line for me was incredible. You’re a really good friend.

Sabrina- Thanks Miles.

Miles- And if you ever get involved with people who claim to be from another realm, I’ll be the first to bust the thing wide open.

Sabrina- Well hopefully you wont have to go in through the nose. (On his look) Private joke!

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina sits on the settee with Salem watching TV and eating popcorn.

Zelda- (OS) I’m back!

Salem- Doh! Sabrina, please don’t tell Zelda what happened? She’ll never let me stay alone again.

Sabrina- Exactly, she’ll make you stay with me. My lips are sealed.

Zelda comes down the stairs.

Zelda- Hey.

Sabrina- Hey. So how was the rest of genius camp?

Zelda- Well De Vinci was a dream, Kecagard was a lech and Einstein short sheeted my bed! How was your weekend Salem?

Salem- Very quiet. Nothing out of the ordinary, right Sabrina?

Sabrina- Right.

The front door bell rings.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Pizza guy, I’ll get the money.

Zelda- Oh, I’ll get the door.

Sabrina nips off for the cash and Zelda answers the door. The guy from ‘Don Luigi’s Pizza’s’ enters.

Jim-Thom- That’ll be eighteen fifty.

Zelda- Just put it right over there.

He walks over to the coffee table but jumps back when the small black cat spits at him and bares it’s teeth.

Jim-Thom- You!

Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- You!

Jim-Thom- (Spinning round) You!! (To Zelda) No charge!

He shoves the pizza into her hands and runs for the door. Sabrina smiles at Salem a shoves the eighteen fifty back in her pocket.

Run credits.



Pic of the Week