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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

The Halloween Scene

Written By - Jon Vandergriff
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Morgan - Elisa Donovan
Josh - David Lascher
Miles - Trevor Lissauer
Roxie - Soleil Moon Frye
Joyce - Tisha Campbell Martin
Frankenstein - Douglas Tait
Nigel - Jason Graae
Mrs. Frankenstein - Lisa Kaminir
Ghoul #1 - Hunter Garner
Ghoul #2 - Robert Lind
Ghoul #3 - Peter Spruyt
Janitor - Van Epperson
Guy in Coffee House - Charlie Weirauch
and
Muffy - Delaina Mitchell

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. College House. Sabrina’s hard at work with her pairing knife.

Sabrina- There! I’ve finished Jack-o-lantern.

She sits back to admire her work. The pumpkin’s eyes are crooked, it’s nose is crooked and so is it’s mouth. It’s also in need of some serious dental work.

Sabrina- (Cont.) With a seriously deviated septum.

She puts the knife down and gets out her finger. One zap later and the pumpkin has a bright, if somewhat surprised smile. The door behind her opens and Miles and Roxie enter, taking in Sabrina’s supply of pumpkins.

Sabrina- Hey! You guys are just in time to carve pumpkins with me.

Roxie- And you’re about twelve years too late. I haven’t carved a pumpkin since I was... six.

Roxie heads off to her room.

Sabrina- Miles, you’ll carve a pumpkin with me right?

Miles- And perpetuate one of the most ridiculous, bogus holidays ever invented by man?

Sabrina- I’ll take that as a no. I can’t believe you’re dissing Halloween, the same guy who sits in his room waiting to be picked up by aliens.

Miles- That’s not true. I contact them from my room, I wait on the roof.

He goes off to contact his alien buddies.

Sabrina- (To the pumpkin) Well I guess it’s just you and me Jack.

Jack- I’m up for some fun baby, let’s grab a bottle of Colt forty-five and put on some Luther.

Sabrina- Don’t mess with me Jack!

She points at Jack turning him into a pumpkin pie with a can of cream on the side and blows the tip of her finger in good gun-fighter fashion. She picks up the cream, gives the pie a good squirt and picks up her fork.

Sabrina- (To the other four, as yet, un-carved pumpkins) I hope the rest of you saw that?

Sabrina tucks in to her pie.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are washing the dishes while Salem reads the financial pages on the counter.

Salem- (Reading)<Gasp!> IBM down an eighth?! I’m going to scratch out Greenspan’s eyes.

Sabrina enters through the back door.

Sabrina- Hey everybody, I’m home.

Zelda- Sabrina, what are you doing here?

Sabrina- Oh your favourite niece can’t just drop by and say hello?

Hilda- How much laundry have you got?

Sabrina- Three bags.

Big, bin-liner bags that she drags in.

Sabrina- (Cont.) But I’ve also got good news. This Halloween I’m going to spend the holiday with you guys.

Zelda- You’re what?!

Hilda- You can’t!

Sabrina- (Disappointed) Nothing like being embraced in the bosom of your family on the most special day of the year.

Salem- He-he-he Bosom, you said ‘Bosom’ Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Zelda- I’m sorry Sabrina, it’s just that you’re never interested in spending the holiday with us, so we made other plans.

Hilda- (Bringing a laundry basket) We got invited to the Other Realm for the ultra exclusive opening of a new galaxy.

Sabrina- Oh that sounds fun and Halloweenie. Do you think you can wangle me an invitation?

Salem- Get a clue sister, you and I are persona non-grata. They’re gonna abandon us on Halloween. Quick! Someone say bosom.

Zelda- I suppose we could cancel if you want us to.

Sabrina- Oh-no-no-no, you guys go ahead. No I’ll just hang out with Miles and wait for the mother-ship to beam us up.

Hilda- Say hi to the Android sisters for us. (To Zelda) Let’s go and figure out what to wear to the galaxy opening.

Zelda- Oh I am thinking heat resistant metal with a scosh of spandex.

Hilda- Oh maybe I’ll wear what I wore to the Shonan Bah mitzvah. They had that Battlestar Galictica theme.

Zelda- Oh....

They wander off upstairs still discussing ideas while Sabrina starts unpacking laundry.

Sabrina- Well at least while I’m doing nothing on Halloween I’ll be wearing clean underwear.

Salem- Are you doing delicate’s? ‘Cause I’ve got a few things to toss in. (On Sabrina’s look) I’ll do them by hand.

Sabrina- Y’know it’s the weirdest thing, I can’t think of anything but Halloween these days, what’s that about? I know, I have no life.

Salem- And then there’s the whole witch thing.

Sabrina- Y’know after all these years of rebellion I’m finally ready to embrace the truth. Halloween is in my blood.

Salem- Say it loud and say it proud!

Sabrina- Time for me to put on the orange and black and show the world who I am.

Salem- Hallelujah sister!

Sabrina- Amen brother!

Salem- We’re havin’ a party!

Sabrina- I didn’t say that!

Salem- Oh, so you’re one of those witches who celebrates Halloween the other way. Staying home and being a loser.

Sabrina- I would love to have a party but Miles and Roxie hate Halloween. It’s amazing the ugly thing you learn about people when you live with them.

Salem- Which reminds me, aren’t your aunts going out Halloween night? Why don’t you have the party here?

Sabrina- Phhh! They would never let me have a party here when they’re not home!

Salem- Girlfriend, aren’t you learning anything in college? Don’t tell them.

Sabrina- They’d kill me if I had a party... I can’t... I couldn’t... I shouldn’t... Is it too late to send out invitations?

Int. Hilda’s Coffee House. The place is decked out with Jack-o-lanterns and other Halloween decorations Sabrina takes a break from work to give the glad tidings to her house-mates.

Sabrina- ...So don’t say anything to my aunt Hilda but I’m going to have a little Halloween celebration for a few of my close friends.

A customer passing by overhears.

Guy- I’m there.

Sabrina watches the stranger leave the coffee house

Sabrina- And that guy I’ve never met before.

Morgan- I’m always up for a party, in fact I’ve got... (Checks her diary) ...seven that night.

Sabrina- Well mine is gonna be great! A classic Halloween celebration with costumes, spooky lighting, bobbing for apples.

Morgan- Like I said, seven parties is plenty.

Roxie- Bobbing for apples?

Sabrina- Or pears. You can bring your own fruit, I’m flexible

Miles- Sabrina, when are you gonna get it? There’s nothing more lame than Halloween, and I know lame.

Roxie- He’s got you there.

Sabrina- Okay, listen up and listen good you Hallowhiners. All right, holidays give us a reason to celebrate. On Christmas we get to put up decorations, on new years we party all night long, on thanksgiving we eat until we puke but on Halloween we get to do all of those things whilst wearing a silly costume. It may not mean much to you but it means a lot to me and I expect each and every one of you to show up.

Josh- (Just arriving) I’ll be there. Where am I going?

Sabrina- To the best Halloween party of all time.

Roxie- We get to bring our own fruit.

Int. Other Realm Party Planners, Joyce De’Witch’s office. The Other Realm. Joyce enters with Sabrina on her heals.

Joyce- Let me get this straight. Three days before Halloween and you want me to plan the best party of all time?

Sabrina- Well that’s why I came to the best party planner of all time.

Joyce- Ooh A suck-up! I like it. To bad it ain’t gonna get you squat.

They both sit at the desk.

Sabrina- Look Joyce, I know this is the biggest holiday in the Other Realm but I’m desperate. Can you just give me some monsters?

Joyce- <Sigh> Let’s see.

She taps away on her lap-top computer. She taps some more. Then a little more. The look on her face says the results are not good.

Joyce- (Cont.) No monsters but... I can get you a one-way to Phoenix with a connection in Denver.

Sabrina- Let’s call that plan ‘B’

Joyce- Honey, all I can give you is the basic ghoul package.

She hits return on the computer and a bright light by the desk reveals three cobweb covered un-dead ghouls each with a silly smile.

Joyce- (Cont.) Not very exciting but it does come with... (She lifts a heavy silver bucket from behind the desk) ...a free bucket of puss.

Sabrina- Do you have anything a little scarier? That one guy seems scared of me.

The ghouls vanish.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Look, I have to kick some major Halloween butt. I have to prove to a house full of sceptics that this holiday rocks.

Joyce- Okay I’ll tell you what, I’ve got a big fella who owes me. How about the creature from the black lagoon?

She hits return on her keyboard again and this time the light resolves into the scaly, seaweed and barnacle encrusted fish monster from the deep.

Sabrina- Oh, that wont work. None of our furniture is Scotch guarded.

Joyce- He loses a lot of gigs that way.

The monster vanishes as Joyce gets suddenly excited.

Joyce- (Cont.) Hold the phone! You’ll never guess who just became available.

The light flashes again to reveal a seven feet tall green guy with a bad haircut and bolts in his neck. He holds his arms out and growls.

Sabrina- Frankenstein! That’s perfect. I mean sure he’s got a criminal record.

Joyce- Frank doesn’t normally work on Halloween, he must need the money. (Aside to Sabrina) Gambling problem.

Sabrina- I’ll take him. (To Frankenstein) and if you have any buddies with massive debts, y’know bring them along.

Frankenstein- Growl!

Int. Spellman living room. Salem sits in his favourite spot behind the settee as Sabrina enters from the kitchen.

Sabrina- Okay, the food is hidden, the drinks are on ice, everything’s ready to go... except my aunts. (Shouting up the stairs) Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda! Hurry up, you’re going to be late for your party!

The front doorbell rings.

Salem- Obviously not a problem for your guests.

Sabrina- I can’t believe they’re here already. (Shouting up the stairs) I’ll get it!

She pulls open the door.

Sabrina- Go away, you’re early!

The three trick-or-treating children in Halloween costumes look upset, their guardian looks annoyed as they turn away.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(Calling after) Sorry, I didn’t mean it! Here!

She grabs some bags of sweets from the table beside the door and throws them after the retreating children.

Child- (OS) Aw!

Sabrina- Oh! Sorry again!

Sabrina quickly closes the door.

Zelda- (OS) Sabrina, we’re leaving.

Sabrina- (Calling up the stairs) So soon? (To Salem) I’ll go up and make sure they get to their galaxy warp speed.

She dashes up stairs.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes up stairs.

Sabrina- Well have a good time. Stay as long as you like. Dance till those stars burn out.

She walks straight past her two preening aunts and pulls open the closet door for them. The one in the purple sparkly outfit with the peroxide extensions, topped by a golden meteor head-dress and a metal hoop skirt depicting the circling planets plants her hands on her hips.

Hilda- That’s it?!

The one in the tin-foil, figure hugging, off the shoulder number with the cape and flared collar huffs.

Zelda- Sabrina, we spent three hours getting ready for this galaxy opening. Do you have anything to say about our outfits?

Sabrina- Titanium, it’s the new black. Now you crazy kids get out o’ here.

She pushes her aunts towards the Other Realm portal.

Hilda- Why are you in such a hurry for us to leave?

Sabrina- Oh well the sooner you leave then the sooner I can throw that wild, crazy party I’ve been planning in secret. Ha-ha!

Hilda- (Laughing) Good one.

She enters the closet but requires a little help getting her planet hoop skirt through the door. Once inside Sabrina closes the door and with a clash of thunder they’re off.

Sabrina- Okay, now all I have to do is change into my costume and I’m ready.

She points at herself and changes into Little Bo Peep complete with shepherds crook but no sheep. Perhaps she’s lost them. With a satisfied smile she goes down stairs.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina comes down the stairs.

Salem- Oo-hoo-hoo. What a lame get-up. Oh Miss Bo Peep, it seems you’ve lost your sheep.

Sabrina- I haven’t lost him, he’s right here.

She points at Salem giving him his own Halloween costume of fluffy white wool. Only his black pointy ears and his face show through.

Salem- Ghu! I can’t pick up college chicks looking like this! On the other hand I’m so soft a fuzzy... Ba-a-ah!

Later. The living room is packed with party goers. Some in costume, some not. Music blares out as Miles and Roxie prop up the table holding the punch and snacks. They are not in costume. Sabrina threads her way through her guests and finds Salem, the sheep, standing guard over the pretzels.

Sabrina- Well I’d say the party’s going pretty darned well, wouldn’t you?

Salem- Going well for yours truly. Muffy’s treating me to some heavy petting.

Sabrina- In your dreams lamb-chop.

A tall, pretty co-ed in a pussy cat costume comes over and picks up Salem.

Muffy- Sabrina, your cat is adorable... and so friendly.

Sabrina- A little tip. Candy-corn makes him gassy.

Muffy pulls a face and quickly puts the cat down. Sabrina’s pleased to thwarted Salem’s amorous plans as she heads over to join Roxie and Miles who are both looking a little bored.

Sabrina- Hi guys, having fun?

Roxie- I’m standing here with Miles, what do you think?

Miles- If this is the best party of all time, I’m glad I’m a social outcast.

Sabrina- Come on guys, get in the party spirit. Bob for something.

Roxie- Okay, I’ll bob for the door.

Miles- I’ll bob with you.

Sabrina- No wait-wait-wait! Nobody leaves a party at eight fifty-five.

Dr. Josh comes over with Morgan.

Josh- Well we’re off Sabrina. Thanks, it was really fun.

Sabrina- Then why are you leaving after only twenty minutes?

Josh- (To Morgan) Why are we leaving after only twenty minutes?

Morgan- (Through clenched, smiling teeth) Because we decided it was rude to leave after fifteen. (To Sabrina) Thanks Spellman, for the best party of all time.

They turn to leave.

Sabrina- No, you can’t go! Look something’s gonna happen any minute now.

Roxie- What’s gonna happen? You’re gonna bring out the cheese-platter?

Sabrina looks worried as the lights suddenly go out. Lightning flashes beyond the windows and thunder crashes before the lights come back on. The party goers scream with fright as their numbers have increased. Towering above everyone stand Frankenstein who has brought along some hard-up chums. A mummy offers his hand to Miles. The Cyclops has an eye for Morgan and a couple of ghouls eye up the tasty treats. There’s a cheer from the guests at the clever party trick.

Sabrina- I’d say that beats Goudona Trisket.

Int. The Other Realm observatory where another party is underway. It’s a black tie affair with the women in fashionable evening gowns making Hilda and Zelda look a smidgen overdressed.

Zelda- (Aside to Hilda) Hilda, everyone’s gawking at us.

Hilda- Well of course they are, they can’t believe how fabulous we look.

Zelda- (To Gawking man) Sir! Would you mind not staring at my planets? (To Hilda) Let’s just play it low-key and try to fit in.

They move away from the buffet table but Hilda’s hoop skirt catches on a tray of canapé’s and drags the whole lot from the table with a loud crash. All very ‘low-key’ They wander out onto the viewing platform with Hilda dragging a chair behind her caught in her skirt. A suave man in a tux stands sipping his Martian martini as they approach.

Hilda- Is this a fabulous new galaxy or what?

Nigel- This galaxy’s a dump!

Hilda- Not the party mood.

Nigel- No it really is a dump. They built it as a land-fill for all the junk floating around in space.

Hilda- Are you telling me we got all dressed up to go to a dump?

Zelda- Say land-fill, it sounds much better.

Nigel- (Handing Hilda his glass) By any chance could you get me another? Shaken, not stirred.

Hilda- Sorry double ‘O’ Zero. We don’t work here, we’re invited just like everybody else.

She shoves the class back in Nigel’s hand.

Nigel- Yes, I heard they had to scrape bottom to fill out the guest list. Huh, you know this is nothing like the opening of the Crab Nebula, that was a classy affair.

Zelda- We weren’t there.

Nigel- I know.

He hands his glass to Hilda again and walks off.

Hilda- (Calling after) Eurotrash! (On Zelda’s look) I always wanted to call someone that.

Int. Spellman living room. At the Halloween bash the guests and the monsters are having a ball. Sabrina dances with The Mummy absently unravelling the bandages from his withered face.

Sabrina- Do you like the music? It’s funk. Oh but I guess you prefer rap.

Miles is with The Cyclops

Miles- Great costume, I love the fake eye.

He reaches up to touch it but pulls his finger away when it blinks. Beside him Roxie is dancing with Frankenstein.

Roxie- That was some grand entrance you made.

Frankenstein- Growl!

Roxie- I’m better at grand exits. People applaud when I leave.

Frankenstein- Growl!

Sabrina comes over to join them.

Sabrina- How’s it going?

Roxie- He’s not much of a talker. I like that.

Sabrina- Colour me shocked, I would never have put you two together.

She’s distracted by The Cyclops taking the top of his head off to show Miles his brain.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey! Hey! Hey! Let’s keep it clean Cyclops. No flashing!

Miles- I can’t figure out how he does that. Sabrina you are the Queen of Halloween.

Sabrina- Er well I prefer to think of myself as humble shepherdess. Excuse me while I tend to my flock.

Morgan- I’ve gotta hand it to you Spellman, for a girl who still carves pumpkins, you know how to have fun. This is the greatest party of all time.

Sabrina- And you’ve said that before.

Morgan- Yeah, but this is one of the rare times when I’m being sincere.

Josh- How about when you told me I was a great kisser?

Morgan- We’ll talk.

A ghoul walks past on his mobile phone.

Ghoul #1- I’m telling you dudes, forget the Other Realm, this party is raging. Look, call everybody and tell them to get their decaying butts over here. Later.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Salem, the cat in sheeps clothing, pads across towards Sabrina’s old room chuckling to himself. He’s followed by Muffy, the co-ed in cats clothing.

Muffy- Why are you leading me towards the bedroom kitty? Do you wanna show me your little mousie?

Just as she’s about to enter Salem’s little love-nest there’s a crash of lightning from the linen closet quickly followed by the crash of the linen closet door falling off it’s hinges. A ghoul steps through. Muffy screams as a second follows closely followed by a third, fourth, fifth and sixth. By then Muffy’s got over her shock and follows the new party guests back down stairs, thwarting Salem’s amorous plans again.

Int. Spellman living room. Beer is quaffed, booties are shaken and apples are dunked as the ghouls wander down to join the festivities.

Ghoul #2- Trick or treat! Ha-ha!

Sabrina- Joyce must have found a few extra ghouls. Cool!

More ghouls come down stairs.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Wow! More ghouls. Great!

More ghouls arrive. In fact there’s a continuous stream of them coming down the stairs from the Other Realm and the living room is getting packed with the dead.

Sabrina- (Cont.) A hearst load of ghouls. Could be a problem.

The ghouls are an unruly bunch. There’s the sound of fine porcelain smashing. They are tossing the jack-o-lanterns about. Sabrina dashes around trying to prevent carnage but things are quickly getting out of hand as one is swinging from the light fittings and goes crashing out of the window.

Sabrina- Hey! Hey! Hey! Don’t jump on the ottoman. And you! If you’re going to shove devilled eggs up your nose, keep them there. Hey! Turn it down, you’re killing my ears!

The ghoul who has taken charge of the cranked up stereo pulls one of his ears off and hands it to her.

Ghoul #3- Here’s a spare.

Josh- Wild party Sabrina.

Sabrina- (Dejected) Yeah, whoo-hoo.

Morgan- Those ghouls know how to party. They must be find house.

Sabrina goes back into the fray.

Sabrina- Hey! No juggling the Waterford! This is my aunts house, we must respect their property!

The juggling ghoul is distracted and all three cut crystal glasses smash.

Sabrina- (Cont.) That was a discontinued pattern. I am so dead!

Ghoul #2- Been there... Still there.

Int. The Other Realm observatory. The galaxy opening party is beginning to wind down.

Hilda- The place is clearing out... and my Jupiter’s all sticky.

Zelda- It looks like there’s some kind of after-party.

Nigel passes by with another martini. Hilda dashes to intercept him.

Hilda- Hey Mr. Nose-in-the-air, where’s everybody going?

Nigel- Some place very exclusive. I’m sure I wont see you there.

He walks off with his nose in the air as a janitor walks by with a mop. As there’s no guests left to talk to Hilda makes do.

Hilda- Isn’t it awful the way people get left out of things?

Janitor- I’d love to chat but I just got invited to a very exclusive party. (Handing her his mop) Would you mind?

He leaves as Zelda arrives.

Zelda- Interesting, at home you wont even pick up a sponge but here...?

Hilda- I’m not cleaning up, I’m going home... but I am taking the mop, I think you’ll really like it.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The lightning flash from the linen closet is particularly bright. Maybe to do with the fact that the door is lying on the floor. Hilda and Zelda walk in over it into the greatest party of all time.

Zelda- What happened to the door?

Hilda- What are all these people doing here?

The landing is full of ghouls, witches and humans having a great time

Zelda- And why, once again, do I feel overdressed?

Hilda- Here, this will help.

She hands her sister the mop and spots Nigel talking to another witch.

Nigel- I mean what are the odds, going to two different dumps in one night? Ha-ha.

Hilda- Excuse me but this is our dump!

Zelda- Say land-fill, it sounds much better. (To Nigel) And what are you doing here? You... You... You meanie!

Hilda- Meanie?

Nigel- I was told that a raging soirée was being thrown by someone named Sabrina.

Hilda- Sabrina?

Zelda & Hilda- (Together) Sa-bri-na!

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina’s still in a panic trying to keep the place even vaguely tidy.

Sabrina- This place is a total disaster and.. who didn’t use a coaster!

The music dies and Sabrina spins round.

Zelda- A water stain on the piano is the least of your problems Sabrina.

Sabrina- But it’s the only one I know how to solve.

Hilda- (Calling out) All right! Everybody out, the parties over! (To passing ghoul) Except you, you’re cute.

She grabs his arm but it comes off in her hands.

Hilda- (Cont.) And... (Squeezing the arm) ...buff.

The ghoul takes back his arm and heads for the stairs as all the other guests make there exits. Some by the stairs to the Other Realm, some by the front door.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Okay! Everybody leave exactly the way you came. Except for Joyce’s people, I have to return you myself.

Hilda- Joyce’s people? You used the Other Realm Party Planner? Oh you are in so deep.

Zelda- Throwing a party behind our backs?

Sabrina- Well technically I did tell you about the party before you left.

Zelda- I have half a mind to take away your magic... and the other half to take away your credit card.

Hilda- And the other half... Oh. Sorry.

Sabrina- Look, I know this looks bad... and way over our deductible, but the idea came from a good place.

Salem- I was in a good place. Muffy’s lap till you two botched it. Luckily she left her scrunchy.

he sniffs the hair binder and shivers with pleasure.

Sabrina- Everybody I know was dissing Halloween and as a witch I felt I should stand up for our holiday. Y’know, defend our heritage.

Hilda- Oh, apparently not our stem-wear.

Zelda- Your intentions may have been noble but your actions were inexcusable. Not only were you sneaky but you mixed mortals with Other Realm creatures without our supervision.

Sabrina- I know, you’re right. I-I don’t know what I was thinking, I wasn’t thinking. I’m really sorry.

Ghoul #3- Look, before this turns into an after-school special, you should know we’re about to go into overtime.

Sabrina- (To her aunts) Could I continue my apology after I get back?

Zelda- Fine. This mess will be waiting for you... and so will we.

Sabrina- Well you know, if you feel like cleaning up a little before I get back... (On there looks) ... Don’t you dare! (To the assorted ghouls and monsters) Let’s go... Out... Come on.

She grabs her crook and Little Bo Peep herds her charges off up the stairs.

Int. The Other Realm Party Planners. Joyce takes inventory as Sabrina stands impatiently.

Joyce- One ghoul, one pirate, one mummy... Wait a minute, the pirate is missing an ear.

Sabrina- Oh, I’ve got it right here.

She digs in the pocket of her costume and hands it over.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh don’t mind the gum, a little lighter fluid will take that right off.

Joyce- Oh, and The Cyclops is also missing a foot.

Sabrina- Oh darn! We were using it to stir the punch!

Joyce- Unless you find it I’m going to have to charge you. Now where’s my Frankenstein?

Sabrina- Frankenstein?

Joyce- Tall guy, square head, hates fire?

Sabrina- I know who he is, I just don’t know where he is.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda sits amongst the party mess while Zelda tries to get her meteor head-dress off with pliers.

Hilda- Aw!

A meteor shoots off.

Hilda- Aw!

Another one whizzes off.

Hilda- AW!

And yet another.

Hilda- Aw! Aw!

Finally Zelda prises it from her sisters head.

Zelda- See, that wasn’t so bad.

Hilda- Oh yeah, it’s the last time I use actual meteors in my hair.

Sabrina comes dashing down stairs.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda, have you seen Frankenstein?

Hilda- Years ago at the drive-in. I always wondered, was there a lot of fog in that movie or just on the windshield?

Sabrina- No not the movie, the real Frankenstein. I rented him for my party and now I’ve lost him.

Zelda- You’ve lost a creature from the Other Realm?! You’d better hope he’s still in the house. Hilda, you check the basement, I’ll cover the upstairs.

Sabrina- And I’ll check the kitchen and... the moors.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is lay on the table amongst the spilled candy-corn with his precious scrunchy as Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Salem, have you seen Frankenstein?

Salem- Ahh, it was the summer of forty-two. I was having my illicit fling with Eleanor Roosevelt.

Sabrina- (Interrupting) No, not the movie, the actual Frankenstein.

Salem- He left with Roxie. Looking very cosy I might add.

Sabrina- They left! Why didn’t you stop them?

Salem- I was busy!

Sabrina- Doing what?!

Salem- Playing with my scrunchy.

Sabrina leaves through the back door as Salem continues his love affair with his hair ornament.

Int. College house. Sabrina enters to find Roxie sat on the settee.

Sabrina- Roxie, have you seen Frankenstein? And I’m not talking about the movie.

Roxie- (Excited) Frankie’s in the bathroom. He’s so cute! I think he needed to ‘Tighten his bolts’

There’s the sound of an electric drill from the bathroom.

Sabrina- Roxie, you’ve got to forget about this guy. Believe me he’s not like any guy you’ve ever dated.

Roxie- I know, that’s what I like about him. He’s off-beat, quirky, rough around the edges.

He comes crashing through the bathroom door.

Frankenstein- Growl!

Sabrina- Maybe a little too rough. (To Frankenstein) Frank, I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Look we’ve gotta get you costume back to Joyce’s rental place, now!

She takes him by the arm but he shrugs her off to go to Roxie.

Roxie- Can’t it wait? I was just about to light a fire.

Frankenstein- (Afraid) Growl?!

Sabrina- Not a good idea. Come on Frank.

She drags him to the door.

Roxie- But what about our date? Are we still on for next Saturday?

Frankenstein- (Nodding) Growl!

Roxie- You’ve got my number!

Frankenstein- Growl!

He and Sabrina leave.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina and Frankenstein enter through the front door.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda! I’ve found him!

Zelda- Oh thank goodness.

Sabrina- He was about to put the moves on Roxie.

Hilda- (Shocked) Shame on you, you’re a married man!

Sabrina- He’s married?

Zelda- Of course, to the bride of Frankenstein.

Hilda- There was a lot of fog in that movie too... or was there?

Sabrina leads a shame faced monster up the stairs.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina and Frankenstein come up and she pushes him towards the magically fixed linen closet door.

Sabrina- Hurry up, get in there. Did you use my apricot body splash?

Frankenstein- Growl!

She pushes the pleasant smelling beast into the closet and follows pulling the door too behind her. There’s a half hearted flicker of lightning and the door opens again.

Sabrina- (Eyes to heaven) Just what I need. (Calling out) Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda! The linen closet isn’t working!

The aunts come rushing up.

Hilda- Oh I’ll call Other Realm plumbing and portal. I hope they don’t send that guy with the butt-crack.

Zelda- Wait, maybe there’s nothing wrong with the closet, maybe someone is refusing to go back.

Frankenstein- Growl!

Sabrina- Sorry, I didn’t get that.

Hilda- He said the problems with the Misses.

Zelda- (To Frankenstein) Well every marriage has problems. That’s no excuse for you to go chasing co-eds.

Frankenstein- Growl!

Zelda- (To Sabrina) I’ll handle this.

She takes Sabrina’s crook and hooks it round Frankenstein’s neck, dragging him back into the closet.

Zelda- (Cont.) Frankenstein, you’re going to work things out with your wife by hook or by crook.

Sabrina- Oh, so that’s what that things for.

She and Hilda follow them in and this time the closet works fine.

Int. Frankenstein’s apartment. It’s out of the nineteen forties and in monochrome. There’s a brief flash of colour as Sabrina, Frankenstein and the aunts materialise. They’re in black and white also.

Sabrina- Wow! Pretty ratty digs for a movie star.

Zelda- (Aside to Sabrina) I heard that his business manager took him to the cleaners.

The door opens and the bride of Frankenstein enters complete with electric shock hair, and she’s not happy as she storms over to her husband..

Mrs. Frankenstein- Growl! Growl! Growl! Growl!

Sabrina- (Aside to her aunts) No wonder he wanted to stay in the mortal realm.

Frankenstein- Growl! Growl!

Mrs. Frankenstein- Growl! Growl! Growl!

Frankenstein- Growl!

Mrs. Frankenstein- Growl! Growl! Growl! Growl!

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, what are they saying?

Hilda- You’re much too young to hear.

Frankenstein- Growl! Growl!

Mrs. Frankenstein- Growl!!

Hilda- Oh the manners of those two.

Zelda- Obviously they’re having trouble communicating. Since Sabrina’s paying the overtime rate, let these two communicate.

She points activating the incantation.

Mrs. Frankenstein- Grow... We never go out!

Sabrina- That must be frustrating. I mean you’re here all day doing... you know, whatever it is you monster brides do. (To Frankenstein) Why don’t you take her out to dinner once in a while.

Frankenstein- I’m tired when I get home from work. All that walking around with my arms straight out.

Sabrina- Maybe you could try walking with your arms at your sides?

Frankenstein lowers his arms and takes a few experimental steps. He shrugs his huge shoulders and nods.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(To Mrs. Frankenstein) And maybe you could try rubbing his shoulders once in a while?

Frankenstein- That would be nice.

Mrs. Frankenstein sits behind her husband and starts to rub his extremely broad shoulders. This could take some time but Frankenstein certainly likes it.

Frankenstein- (Cont.) Oooh, that’s good.

Hilda- This is where the fog usually shows up. Oh why didn’t I bring a date?

Frankenstein- (To his wife) Why don’t we stay in tonight?

Mrs. Frankenstein- Mmm yes.

They embrace and kiss.

Zelda- Shows over, we’re out of here.

She twirls her finger and the Spellman’s leave the Frankenstein’s to their romantic night in.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Lightning flash and Hilda’s the first one out of the closet followed by Zelda and Little Bo Peep.

Zelda- Well we got Frankenstein back to his house, now all you have to do is clean ours.

Sabrina- Of course, but first I have to explain to Roxie why her date for Saturday night isn’t gonna show up. Anybody got a good excuse?

Hilda- Why don’t you tell her the truth?

Sabrina- What, that I’m a witch and I rented actual monsters for my party and that was the real Frankenstein she was about to cuddle up with?

Hilda- I meant the other truth.

Int. College house. Roxie is sitting cross-legged on the counter-top heartbroken at the news.

Roxie- He’s married?!

Sabrina- I’m afraid so.

Roxie- What’s his wife like?

Sabrina- Oh shrieky voice, big hair, bad highlights.

Roxie- I knew he was too good to be true.

Sabrina- I’m sorry, I never should have dragged you to my party.

Roxie- No, it’s okay. I had fun and so did everybody else. We’re actually looking forward to next Halloween.

Sabrina- Well I guess I accomplished my mission then. I made people appreciate what a meaningful holiday it is.

A face appears at the window. Miles is excited by his discovery.

Miles- Look what I found in the punch bowl at your party! I think it’s a real human foot! This is so cool!

He dashes off with his Cyclops foot complete with leather sandal.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Don’t get too attached! It’s rented!

Ext. Muffy’s front porch. Sabrina rings the doorbell and Muffy answers the door.

Muffy- Hi Sabrina.

Sabrina- Muffy, are you all right? I mean your message was rather garbled on my machine. Something about a stalker?

Muffy reaches down and picks up a small black cat. She hands Salem to Sabrina.

Muffy- I found him pawing through my lingerie drawer.

Sabrina- I’m so sorry. He’s a sick-sick animal... but that’ll all change once I have him fixed.

Salem- Meow!

Muffy closes the door in disgust and Sabrina starts to walk away.

Salem- You-you were just joking right? Ha-ha.... Right?... Hey, this isn’t the way home!!

Run credits.



Pic of the Week