The End Of An Era

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem watches jealously as Sabrina opens presents. She pulls a kettle from a gift wrapped box.

Sabrina- <Gasp!> A hot-pot! I love it. I can just see myself at Adams, boiling water.

Salem- You know what’d make a really great graduation gift? A ‘Mr. Microphone’!

Sabrina- Yeah, if you’ve gotten every other gift in the world.

The toaster pings.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, the toaster! I bet it’s a present from the Other Realm.

She goes over and tries to retrieve the package from the toaster but...

Sabrina- Hey, it’s stuck!

Salem- Probably snagged on my cheese toast.

Sabrina- You know you’re not supposed to melt stuff in our delicate Other Realm communication system.

She goes back to tugging.

Salem- Just a bagel and a little cheese.

Suddenly the package comes free. Sabrina staggers back as gallons of dairy produce fountains from the toaster all over the kitchen. The yellow stuff just keeps on coming.

Salem- (Cont.) Okay! A bagel and a wheel of cheese! Same difference.

Run opening credits.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina’s been hard at work with a mop, bucket and loo-brush in the public restroom. She comes over to Josh in her snazzy Marigolds.

Sabrina- Okay, the towels are changed, the soap dispensers are filled and the urinal cakes are replaced.

Josh- This is how I keep people from knowing I like you best.

Sabrina- Including me.

Sabrina takes her accoutrements into the back as Harvey enters and immediately graces Josh with a dirty look.

Josh- Well Skippy, come to spend some of that hard earned paper route money?

Sabrina comes out the back and watches.

Harvey- Tough talk for a college junior who still attends high school proms.

Touché! Josh backs off as Sabrina pulls Harvey away.

Sabrina- Harvey? Can’t you guys be nice?

Harvey- No. He likes you Sabrina.

Sabrina- Right, we’re friends.

Harvey- But he’s hoping for girlfriend. Look, I-I don’t like you spending time with him and I bet if the shoe was on the other foot...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Hey, I have never once been jealous of you and Josh.

He doesn’t see the funny side.

Harvey- Sabrina, I don’t ask for much. Quit this job, please? Do it for me?

Sabrina- Harvey, that’s not fair. I like Josh and nothing is going on and I need this job.

Harvey- That was an awfully long no.

He turns away dejected and leaves. Sabrina starts after him.

Sabrina- Harvey!

But a customer near the door hands her his mug for a refill and when she looks up again he’s gone.

Sabrina- (To herself) Great. A fight with my boyfriend and... (Sniffing her arm) I smell like Comet.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem watches as Hilda tapes a pink ‘Out of order’ sign onto the cheese encrusted toaster.

Hilda- You know, you are like the evil version of the Matag repair man.

Salem- What? I needed the calcium.

Zelda enters with some paperwork.

Hilda- Zellie. Have you decided what you’re gonna get Sabrina for graduation?

Zelda- Oh I haven’t had time to think about it. I’ve been too busy handling this law suit Willard has filed against you for hitting his car.

Hilda- Oh yeah, that.

Zelda- Yeah that. (Flicking through her papers) Speaking of that, have you seen a notarised witness statement? It’s pink.

She and Salem look at the toaster.

Hilda- Found it.

She goes over and peels it from the sticky toaster.

Salem- Tee-hee-hee. Who’s in trouble now?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem watches Sabrina opening her graduation gifts on her bed.

Sabrina- You know Harvey’s being so unreasonable. I don’t know why he doesn’t want me hanging out with Josh? He must not trust me.

Salem- That is so sad. I think there’s only one thing you can do. Open another present!

She picks up a small, flat, rectangular gift, Probably a CD.

Salem- (Cont.) Is it a ‘Mr. Microphone’? Is it a ‘Mr. Microphone’?

She waggles it about.

Sabrina- No, it’s luggage.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda answers the door and Mr. Kraft, carrying and bouquet of flowers walks straight in past her.

Hilda- Oh come right in.

Mr. Kraft- Is er Zelda here?

Hilda- No, she’s out at a meeting getting her seven day free of Willard chip.

Mr. Kraft- Well my car is fixed, it actually goes in reverse now. So I wanna inform you that I am dropping the law suit.

Hilda- Isn’t it too bad they haven’t invented the telephone yet?

Mr. Kraft- Will you please give these to Zelda?

He hands her the flowers.

Hilda- Will do.

Mr. Kraft leaves, Zelda tosses the flowers in the basket by the door and heads for the kitchen. There’s the sound of screeching brakes and a crump from out side. Hilda dashes back to the door.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Hilda comes out as Zelda runs up.

Zelda- I’ve just hit Willard!

Mr. Kraft staggers up to the door straightening his jacket.

Mr. Kraft- Oh <Pant!> Oh I am so suing! You know I’ve always liked this place, it’ll be fun owning it.

He limps off.

Zelda- (Calling after) I didn’t hit you hard! (To Hilda) What was he doing here?

Hilda- Oh he came by to drop some law suit.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem’s up to his neck in presents on the bed. Sabrina sits at her desk with the magic book open.

Sabrina- You know, I have no problem at all with Harvey and Josh being friends.

Salem- Were your friends operating under a price limit when they got you all these things?

Sabrina- Hey, I found something! (Reading) ‘If two enemies break bread together, they will no longer be enemies’ I’m gonna bake some friendship bread.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem watches with keen interest as Hilda and Zelda play 'I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours.'

Hilda- Here’s my gift, a magic mirror

She hands Zelda the large garish hand mirror, about the size of a tennis racket..

Zelda- Oh yeah, you can’t get this kinda plastic just anywhere.

Hilda- It’s not what it looks like, it’s what it does.

She takes the mirror back and looks into it.

Hilda- (Cont.) Mirror, mirror... near the wall, who’s the best gift giver of them all?

The image in the mirror changes to an overweight bald bloke with smarmy eyes.

Mirror Man- You wrote the cheque, so I guess it’s you Chickie-bee.

Hilda- (To Hilda) Case closed.

Zelda- Chickie-bee?

Ext. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Harvey and Brad stop outside the coffee house. Harvey still doesn’t look happy.

Brad- I don’t get it Kinkle. If you can’t stand this guy Josh, why do you keep coming back here?

Harvey- I’ve gotta keep my eye on Mr. I-can’t-find-a-girl-my-own-age. Don’t worry, I plan to keep a really low profile.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Brad and Harvey enter. Josh walks by while Harvey keeps his head down.

Josh- Oh hey, have you seen Sabrina?

Harvey- Keep away from my girlfriend!

Brad quickly puts himself between Harvey and Josh before Harvey can thump him.

Josh- I’ll stay away from Sabrina when she tells me to.

Harvey- Maybe she did tell you to but you’re starting to forget things, grandpa!

Sabrina enters and takes Brad’s place keeping the boys apart.

Sabrina- Hey look! Fresh baked bread from my ever-lovin’ oven!

She pulls the wrapper off a still warm loaf with raisins.

Brad- I’m game!

She elbows him in the bread basket, knocking him aside.

Brad- (Cont.) Aw!

Josh- (To Harvey) Maybe you should leave.

Harvey- Maybe you should make me.

Sabrina- It’s got raisins!

Brad- Oh raisins, yum.

He gets the elbow again as she tears the loaf in half. When Josh and Harvey open their mouths to threaten each other some more, she jams half a loaf into each orifice. They both bite and chew. The change is as sudden as it is dramatic.

Josh- (To Harvey) Hey I-I’m on break now, let’s have a cup of coffee together

Harvey- Only if I’m buyin’

The pair head off to the counter with their arms round each other like old chums. Sabrina watches them go pleased. Brad watches the bread go with them, disappointed and hungry.

Sabrina- (To Brad) Look at them. This bread could have kept The Beatles together.

Int. Spellman living room.

Hilda- Admit it, I got Sabrina the best gift.

Zelda- I don’t know how you can compare a specially brewed, home made scent with a snotty talking looking glass?

Hilda- I know, you can’t. Mine's clearly better.

Salem- A-a-a-hem!

He clears his throat about to give his opinion on the two gifts. He knocks both the looking glass and the small vial of expensive perfume from the sideboard, smashing them both.

Zelda- Salem!

Salem- Oopsie!

Hilda- You did that on purpose!

Salem- I think the ‘Oopsie’ implies that I didn’t.

Hilda- Oh I see your vile little plan. You break our gifts in the childish hopes that we will then buy Sabrina a ‘Mr. Microphone’

Zelda- Yeah, it’s so obvious! (To Hilda) A Mr. what?

Salem- I have no such plan... Did it work?

He gets a double trouble stare.

Hilda- Oh you are in for it buster. Not only did you break irreplaceable items but you’ve now freed the man in the mirror.

The bald bloke stands looking around the living room.

Mirror Man- This decor is really the fairest of them all... if your talking county fairs.

He sticks his finger in his mouth making gagging sounds.

Zelda- (To Salem) First the toaster, now this mess. I don’t know when I’ve been so angry with you. You are in a peck of trouble.

Salem- Define peck?

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Harvey and Josh are still getting on great. Harvey pulls out a chair for Josh.

Harvey- Allow me.

Josh- No please, allow me.

Harvey- Oh, I insist.

Josh- No, I insist.

Harvey- You first.

Josh- No-no, you first.

Sabrina is watching from the settee and has heard enough. She calls over.

Sabrina- Oh just sit down!

They both sit. Sabrina turns to Brad who’s watching it all with a frown.

Sabrina- Well it’s nice to see them getting along... for a change.

Brad- It’s like Chip and Dale... only I’m not enjoying it.

Sabrina walks over to Harvey and Josh.

Sabrina- So, how are you guys doin’?

Harvey- Great. We just found out, we both share a love of turkey jerky. (To Josh) I’m sorry, did you wanna answer that?

Josh- No-no, your answer was just perfect.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Ha, this is goin’ great.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are still on the gift trail.

Zelda- Have you thought of anything else to get Sabrina?

Hilda- Maybe I have and maybe I haven’t.

Zelda- Look Hilda, I think we’re getting into a bad area here, competing through presents.

Hilda- I had that thought first.

Zelda- You know maybe we’re focused on the presents because we don’t wanna focus on the reality. Sabrina’s leaving for college.

Hilda- Yeah, next year it’ll just be the two of us.

Int. Spellman dining room, a pair of pointy black ears twitch and a sleepy head raises from it’s paws.

Salem- (To himself) Did she say ‘Just the two of us’?

Int. Spellman kitchen.

Zelda- Yeah, it’ll be strange to have just two. Well on the plus side, fewer groceries to buy.

Int. Spellman dining room.

Salem- (To himself) Fewer groceries? Only the two? Da! Dear lord, they’re getting rid of the cat!

He gets up and slinks off.

Int. Spellman kitchen.

Zelda- Oh well, right now we have other things to deal with.

She turns round to look at the mirror man behind the counter. He’s using an aerosol can on his bald pate.

Zelda- (Cont.) Are you painting your head?

Mirror Man- Oh it’s murder on my pillow but the ladies... mmm love it!

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina and the chums are still sat together. Josh reads the local paper.

Josh- (To Harvey) Hey-hey! Harvey look, there’s a ‘Die Hard’ marathon playing at the student union!

Sabrina- I like ‘Die Hard’

Harvey- (To Josh) Excellent. We’ll stock up on jerky and sit in the front row.

Sabrina- I prefer ‘Skittles’ but okay.

Josh- (To Harvey) You’re on.

The boys get up to go.

Sabrina- Hey! Remember me?

Harvey- (To Josh) Hey yeah, Sabrina.

She smiles, feeling a part of the group for the first time since she sat with them.

Harvey- (Cont.) She can cover for you.

Josh- (To Harvey) Let’s go!

The boys head for the door leaving Sabrina behind.

Sabrina- (To herself) That does it! ‘This friendship is clawing, that’s a fact. Bring up the bread with the magic of Ipecac’

She points at them as they reach the door. They suddenly stop clutching their stomachs and both make a beeline for the men’s room.

Sabrina- (Calling after) See, I told you that raw chicken is not a delicacy!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem is feeling distinctly sorry... for himself.

Salem- (Sob! Sob! Sob!) Get a hold of yourself Saberhagen. Think! There must be some mistake. They love you... okay, they can stand you. Wait a minute, they have to keep me, the Witches Council wont let them get rid of me! Oh thank heavens for bureaucracy!

He jumps down from the bed and heads out the door.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem comes down the stairs and hears Zelda and Hilda talking. He stops on the stairs to eves-drop.

Zelda- Well we have to find him some place to stay, don’t we?

Hilda- No. I talked to the Witches Council and according to them, technically, he’s a freeloader. So we can throw him out on the streets for all they care.

Salem- (To himself) Not the streets! There’s scary stuff on the streets.

Hilda- (Cont.) I say we toss him out and let him fend for himself.

Salem turns and runs back up stairs.

Salem- (To himself) (Sob! Sob!) I’m a dead man! (Sob!)

Zelda- Let’s at least get him a room at the ‘Y’?

Mirror Man- Is there anything in this house to drink?

Zelda- (To Hilda) A small room.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Two very pale looking guys eventually emerge from the boys room. Sabrina greets them cheerily.

Sabrina- Hey, so you two threw-up together. Isn’t that some sort of male bonding thing?

Harvey- Only in a prison movie.

Sabrina- But you guys still feel close right?

Harvey- I never would have been sick if I hadn’t eaten food from this e-colli farm.

Josh- What?!

Sabrina- (Interrupting and getting between them) Oh er ignore him, he’s just a little testy. You know he’s at his worst post vomit.

Josh- (To Harvey) That’s it, I’m not putting up with your insults anymore.

Sabrina- Oh it looks like someone else is a little testy. That’s something you two have in common.

Josh- (To Harvey) You are hereby banned from this place.

Harvey- Sabrina, if you keep working for this guy we’re through.

He leaves still clutching his stomach.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Harvey?!

Josh- Good riddance.

He walks away to the counter.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Josh?! (To herself) Okay, as usual, my plan is going perfectly.

Int. Sabrina’s bed room. That night. Salem sits on the back of Sabrina’s comfy chair while Sabrina curls up in it.

Sabrina- Why am I so reluctant to quit the coffee house? It’s not the free day old muffins. What is the true meaning behind this?

Salem- You still like Josh, you bone head! Now help me, I’m being evicted!

Sabrina- I do like Josh. I mean I couldn’t imagine not seeing him every day, but I can’t imagine life without Harvey either.

Salem- And I can’t imagine life without fluffy pillows and a shower massage. (Sob!)

Sabrina- Get out, you little narcissist.

Salem- You just mean out of your room, not the house right?

She points at the door. Salem runs sobbing from the room.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Salem’s found the one thing that’ll never flip him off. The linen basket.

Salem- (To himself) Maybe Sabrina’s right. There is a chance, however slim, that my ironic and detached nature could be misconstrued as jerkiness. Well I’ll just act nice and then the aunts wont give me the heave-ho. How hard could it be?

Hilda comes from her room with a bundle of laundry.

Salem- Say, have you been getting sleep? You look a lot less... yellow that usual.

Hilda smiles down at him and the linen basket flips him off over the banister when she puts her laundry in it. Salem can be heard thumping down the stairs. Hilda walks back to her room without a word or a glance. Slowly Salem’s paw comes into view as he hauls himself back up.

Salem- Well no-one’s good at anything the first time.

He loses his grip and tumbles back down the stairs with a cry.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. She buried nose deep in the magic book once more.

Sabrina- (To Herself) I need help. Oh a boyfriend course! It sounds promising, besides, I’m desperate.

She points at the book. The image of a man springs from the page into her room. He wears spectacles and a suit and carries a clip-board.

Mr. Cornwallis- Having trouble picking a boyfriend?

Sabrina- Exactly.

Mr. Cornwallis- Then you need the boyfriend course. Sign up here.

He hands her the clip-board and a pen. She signs and as soon as she dots the ‘I’ she and Mr. Cornwallis are molecularly transferred to the Other Realm.

Ext. The Boyfriend Course. Sabrina and Mr. Cornwallis materialise in a thickly wooded area. Mr. Cornwallis has changed into referees stripes.

Mr. Cornwallis- This is the boyfriend course.

Sabrina looks around at the climbing ropes and balance bars and sighs.

Sabrina- Oh I get it, an obstacle course, clever. I never get enough of those Other Realm puns.

Mr. Cornwallis- And here are the boyfriends.

With a wave of his arm Harvey and Josh arrive, both looking suitably bemused and confused.

Harvey- Where are we?

Sabrina- Oh er thi-this is just some weird dream.

Harvey- Helena Roosevelt’s not gonna appear and start hitting me with a leg o’ lamb is she?

Sabrina- No... it’s a different weird dream.

Mr. Cornwallis- (To Sabrina) Don’t worry, they’re under a spell. They’ll never remember a thing. (To the boys) Go!

He blows his whistle and both Josh and Harvey run for the climbing net.

Sabrina- Okay, um just one question Mr. Chips. How is this gonna help me to decide on the right boyfriend?

Mr. Cornwallis- Oh that’s easy. You choose the one that isn’t dead.

Sabrina- Oh right... What?!

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda sit on the settee. Salem sits at the back.

Zelda- So we’re agreed. Instead of competing, we’ll come up with a present for Sabrina that we both like and go in on it together.

Hilda- Perfect. I bet my gift ideas are better than yours. (On her look) Sorry.

Salem- I hate to interrupt conversations of genius <Snigger> But may I say, you two vexing beauties are radiating brilliance.

Zelda- Salem, you’re still gonna be punished. Don’t try buttering us up.

Salem- Don’t be ridiculous, everyone knows butter only belongs on lovely finger sandwiches. <Snigger> Follow me.

Int. Spellman dining room. Salem leads the aunts in to see a fully laid out dining table. Fine china tea service, silver platters piles high with cakes, scones, muffins and lovely finger sandwiches.

Salem- High tea, from me, to thee.

Zelda- Oh my!

Salem- Oh don’t we have a fine time, the three of us?

Ext. The Boyfriend Course. Josh and Harvey are neck and neck crawling on their belly’s under the ropes. They try to pull at each other to gain an advantage. Sabrina’s a little confused in her cheering.

Sabrina- Go Harvey! Go Josh! Go... team!

Mr. Cornwallis- It’s sweet of you to root for both of them. That way you don’t have to feel guilty at the losers funeral.

Sabrina- <Sigh> No offence zebra boy, but these are young guys. Unless one of your obstacles is a piece of delectable looking cake laced with anthrax, this course is not gonna kill them.

Mr. Cornwallis- Don’t worry, the sudden death will.

With a smile he transfers Sabrina and himself to the end of the course. When Sabrina materialises she notices something odd. She’s a good few inches shorter than normal. A quick glance down gives her the answer. Her feet are missing. Well actually they are there, they’ve just sunk into the ground. She tries to pull out her right foot but it’s stuck fast and all she succeeds in doing is forcing her left foot a little deeper. After a brief struggle she’s mired up to her calves.

Sabrina- Okay, I appear to be standing in some sort of primordial ouse... in my good shoes! What is this stuff?

Mr. Cornwallis- Quicksand.

Sabrina gives a horrified scream and starts blasting away with her pointing finger to get the heck out of there. Nothing happens.

Mr. Cornwallis- (Cont.) It wouldn’t be sporting if you had magic.

Sabrina- Um. You know what? I’ve changed my mind. I’d like to drop this course.

Mr. Cornwallis- Whoever saves you, gets you. I know that sounds a little bit sexist but this hasn’t been updated since sixteen seventy-two. Just relax.

Sabrina- (Far from relaxed) You relax! One wrong move and I’m stuck in a sand smoothy! (Yelling) Help Harvey! Josh!

Farther down the course, Josh and Harvey come into view. Josh is in the lead.

Josh- Have no fear Sabrina! I’m on my way!

But Harvey pulls him back.

Harvey- Hey! Dudley Doright called. He wants his dialogue back! Sabrina, I’ll be right there!

He runs down a high sided canyon toward her but two swinging, razor sharp swinging blades cause him to stop dead in his tracks.

Sabrina- Okay, that might hold them up.

Int. Spellman dining room. Hilda and Zelda enjoy their tea.

Hilda- Is there anything more delightful than a perfect cup of Darjeeling served in bone china?

Zelda- Not to mention the civility of corn relish on toast points.

Salem- Marvellous, and I did it all myself.

There’s a crash from the kitchen.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda rush in to find white clad caterers hard at work.

Zelda- Salem!

Salem- Well dressed robbers! Call the police! Okay, which one of you two left the back door open?

Caterer- I hope everything was to your liking and yes, we accept all major credit cards.

She hands the bill to Zelda.

Zelda- <Gasp!> My heavens! Were those pastries spun from gold?

Salem- I just wanted you to have the best. Maybe I didn’t think this through. You’re pretty!

Ext. The Boyfriend Course. Harvey and Josh are still held up by the swinging blades. They both try to time a dash through the gap but it’s too short.

Harvey- Hang on Sabrina, I’ll save you!

Josh- Stay calm Sabrina, I’ll save you!

Sabrina- Why shouldn’t I be calm? Some people pay thousands of dollars for this kind of beauty treatment.

She glances down at her legs. They’re only visible now from above the knee. She had heard somewhere that it was best not to struggle when stuck in quicksand but when she could see herself still sinking it was darned hard not to.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Help!

The boys are struggling with each other as much as with the problem of the blades. Harvey spots a long, thick wooden pole and grabs it.

Harvey- Hey, maybe I can stop the blades with this.

Josh- Give me that!

Josh snatches it from him and pushes him back. He times it perfectly. jamming the pole between the two blades. They stop swinging and Harvey squirms quickly through the gap. He just makes it before the blades slice through the pole leaving Josh still stuck behind the blades. Sabrina has had to cover her eyes for fear of seeing Harvey sliced and diced. She slowly lowers them.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, I'm not sure that he's intact. (Yelling) Run, Harvey Kinkle! Run!

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda and Hilda enter through the front door.

Zelda- Well I think we have truly found the perfect graduation present, a car.

Hilda- I know in our hearts that Sabrina loves us for who we are... but this is really gonna synch it!

She waves the car keys.

Hilda- (Cont.) Let’s put the keys in a little box, and then put that box in a bigger box, and then put that box...

She’s interrupted by a knock at the door. Zelda goes to answer it.

Hilda- (Cont.) Ugh! Now I’ve lost my train of thought.

It’s Mr. Kraft.

Zelda- Oh, Willard, glad to see you up and about. I assume you’re here to serve papers.

Mr. Kraft- No, I’m-I’m dropping the law suit. I er...

He glances round and spots the days old flowers still in the basket by the door. He glances across at Hilda then pulls them out and gives them to Zelda.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Zelda, we've been through too much together to have it end this way... And my lawyer took my retainer and went to Tonga.

Zelda- Oh thank you Willard.

She goes to hug him but he backs off.

Mr. Kraft- No-no-no, my emotions and my spine are both a little raw. So...

Zelda- So...

He leaves.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Mr. Kraft comes out cautiously. He looks all around as well as above him before venturing off down the path.

Int. Spellman living room.

Hilda- Oh now I remember. In a bigger box, and then that box...

There a crash from outside.

Zelda- Not again?!

Ext. Spellman front porch. Zelda and Hilda come out and try very hard not to laugh.

Zelda- How did he manage to walk into all those trash cans?

Ext. The Boyfriend Course. Sabrina can’t help but wriggle and squirm as the liquefied sand reaches her hips, completely trapping her legs.

Sabrina- Er apperantly there doesn’t seem to be a bottom to this bottomless pit! (Yelling) Hurry!

Harvey- Hang on Sabrina, I’m almost...!

He comes to a skidding halt at the edge of the pit that’s before him. The floor of the pit slithers, slides and rattles.

Harvey- (Cont.) ...about to face my not so irrational childhood fear of snakes.

As he slowly backs away, Josh, who has at last managed to circumvent the blades comes running past.

Josh- (To Harvey) Out of my snakes!

He too comes to a sudden halt

Sabrina- Oh I’m sure they’re a lot more afraid of you than you are of them.

Josh- (To Harvey) Hey look, there’s a plank we can use as a bridge.

Harvey goes to get it as Josh smiles.

Josh- (Cont.) Sucker.

He grabs hold of a vine that’s hanging by the cliff side and uses it to swing across the pit. He makes it easily and lets the vine swing back but it breaks off near the top, dropping into the pit. Harvey’s left stranded on the wrong side. With a groan of terror he moves back.

Harvey- What we do for love.

He starts running and with his eyes tightly closed, leaps. His feet hit the edge on the far side sending dust down into the snake pit but he’s over safely. He glances back down at the snakes.

Harvey- (Cont.) Figures. Four years warming the bench in football, now I find out I should have gone out for track.

He heads off in pursuit of Josh and to rescue Sabrina from a messy fate.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem’s really getting worried.

Salem- If I don’t convince the aunties soon that I’ve really turned over a new leaf, I’m gonna be tossed out into the cold on my nicely rounded buttocks. Maybe I’ve been too subtle.

Int. Spellman living room. The aunties come down stairs to find an angel sat on their sideboard. Chewing gum wrappers wrapped round a coat hanger for a halo, cardboard cut out wings and a white night-shirt.

Salem- Blessings to all who enter here.

Hilda- You are still in deep doody, mister.

Zelda- After much thought we’ve come up with your punishment. Now I want you to know it’s severity is only to teach you a lesson.

Salem- (Sob! Sob! Sob!)

Hilda- You’re grounded until further notice.

Salem- Grounded? You mean I can’t leave the house?

Zelda- That’s right. We realise we’re punishing ourselves as well, but what can we do?

Hilda- I’m glad we read the ‘Mary Lou Henner’ book.

They wonder off to the kitchen.

Salem- (To himself) Oh sweet relief. I’ve still got a home! And best of all, I like being a nice guy. This new leaf is staying turned because I’m a changed cat!... (Spotting something) Car keys?

Ext. Collins road. A bright yellow VW beetle convertible with Massachusetts plates reading ‘SABRINA’ burns rubber as it tears away from the curb.

Salem- Hardcastle and McCormick, eat your heart out!

Ext. The Boyfriend course. Sabrina had a moment of hope that she might just be able to extract herself from her sticky predicament. When the sand reached the bottom of her ribcage, she pressed down on the surface with her hands and found that she moved up a few inches. Maybe she could push herself out of this. But her hands had sunk under the surface and when she tried to extract them, she not only lost the few inches she’d gained but lost a few more into the bargain. She was now mired up to her chest and to cap it all her arm were stuck fast as well.

Sabrina- (Yelling) Somebody save me! or at least scratch my nose!

Josh- Don’t worry Sabrina, I’ll have you out of that quicksand within seconds.

He runs up and it looks as though he might be right until a sheet of searing flame blasts out of a hole in the canyon wall, completely blocking it. He’s only a matter of yards from Sabrina but it might as well be miles.

Josh- (Cont.) But if you have a crossword puzzle handy, you might wanna break it out.

Sabrina- (Sinking another inch) Hurry!

Harvey- Sabrina, I’m coming!

He catches up to Josh and looks around frantically.

Harvey- (To Josh) I’ll block the flames with this rock.

He puts his shoulder to the large boulder but Josh pushes him away.

Josh- I’m gonna save Sabrina.

Sabrina- Guys, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned in casual conversation in the past but... I don’t wanna die!

Another inch of her slips beneath the sand.

Harvey- (To Josh) I don’t care who saves Sabrina, as long as Sabrina gets saved.

Josh- You’re right.

Harvey- All right, help me push this thing.

They both put their shoulders to work while Sabrina sinks ever deeper.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Okay, I guess it’s time to come up with a few last words. Let’s see, er er Dying is easy, comedy is hard. No. Rosebud! No. Er, it is a far better thing... Darn it, all the good last words have already been done!

The sand flows in over her shoulders caressing her throat as the boys joint efforts finally bear fruit. The boulder tips and falls into place blocking the fire jet. The final few yards to Sabrina are now clear.

Harvey- We did it!

Josh- Alright!

They high five.

Josh- (Cont.) Wow, you must work out.

Harvey- Ah you know, I’ve been benchin...

Sabrina- (Interrupting with her head tilted back to keep her face above the surface) Guys, this stuff aint slowsand!

Harvey & Josh- (Together) Sabrina!

They run to her.

Int. Sabrina’s car. Salem’s having a blast cruising main street with the sound system cranked to the max.

Salem- Wheeeeeeeeeee! You wanna know why I do this? Kicks man! Kicks! Yeah-ha-ha-ha!

Mr. Kraft walks down main street to the all night store checking his to do list.

Mr. Kraft- Get a ‘Hungryman’ dinner. Watch a little of ‘The Antiques Roadshow’...

He turns to cross the road without looking up until he’s caught in the headlights of a flying yellow monster with the word ‘SABRINA’ coming at him extremely quickly..

Mr. Kraft- Holly mother of pearl! Aaaaargh!

Salem slams on the breaks but it’s too late. Car and principle meet.

Salem- (Cont.) I’m okay.

Mr. Kraft drags himself up the trunk and taps on the windscreen.

Mr. Kraft- I am suing you... cat?

Ext. The Boyfriend Course. Sabrina is saved. She’s covered from head to toe in muddy sand, but she’s saved. Harvey and Josh try to get the worst of it off as she turns angrily to Mr. Cornwallis.

Sabrina- Just one question. What was the point of all this?

Mr. Cornwallis- The point was for one of them to die. We’ve never had both contestants survive before. Well good luck pickin’ one of these brave boys.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina tells her aunts about her day and explains why she’s covered in ouse.

Sabrina- ...And the worst part, other than the pound of quicksand in my underwear, is that I still don’t know what to do about Harvey and Josh.

Hilda- I’ll look it up, but I’m almost certain there’s a tribe in New Guinea where women can have multiple husbands.

Sabrina quite likes that idea.

Zelda- Oh honey, I’m sorry you have such a dilemma to face. I wish we could comfort you with your graduation present.

She glares at Salem but some things never change.

Salem- I bet now you’re kicking yourself for not getting her that ‘Mr. Microphone’

The toaster pings.

Hilda- The toasters fixed.

Salem- Now I can toast my ooey gooey sticky-bun.

More glaring.

Salem- (Cont.) Me no funny?

Zelda shakes her head and gets the message from the toaster.

Zelda- It’s a notice from the Witches Council. (Reading) ‘This is to inform you that the friendship spell has caused the mortal, Harvey Kinkle, to reach his spell quota’

Hilda- That means after the friendship bread, no more spells would affect him.

Sabrina- But what about the obstacle course? That means he dove under blades, jumped over snake pits and fought fire on his own! I’m beginning to think he likes me.

Hilda- Yeah-Yeah, he’s brave but how are you gonna explain this to him?

Sabrina- Oh you know Harvey, he bought my ‘You’re just dreaming’ explanation per usual.

Harvey enters from the back door still looking dirty and sweaty from his daring do. He clearly has something on his mind.

Harvey- Sabrina, could we talk about the fact that... you’re a witch?

Sabrina’s mouth drops so far she could drive a bright yellow VW Beetle through it... if she had one.

Ext. Spellman back porch. A dog kennel has been set up and Salem lies in the doorway.

Run credits.

Salem- I know I’m in the dog house but this is ridiculous. (Calling out) Hello! I don’t think I deserve this kind of treatment! It was just a car! And we really don’t like that man! I said I was sorry! Well if I didn’t, I meant to!

A dog howls in the distance.

Salem- (Cont.) Oh there’s no lock on this door. In fact there’s no door! And I’m out of pepper-spray! (Sob!) You’ll feel bad when I’m dead!

Mirror Man- (Sticking his head out of the kennel) Would you keep it down?