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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Little Orphan Hilda

Written By - Nick Bakay
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Lydia - Shirley Jones
Customer - Andy Siegel
Pedestrian - Tom Fahn
Clerk - Audrey Wasilewski
City Inspector - Robert Noble

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. Business is thriving... for the knock-off watch seller who’s set up his pitch outside. His success is not down to the organ donor but to the smart little monkey in a bell-boys uniform who’s attracting the paying punters. Hilda watches through the shop window in dismay.

Hilda- The gall of that creep! He’s selling watches right outside my clock shop.

Zelda- It would be one thing if he sold those fried cinnamon-sticks but he’s in direct competition with you.

Salem- You have to admit it’s kinda funny... in a morally bankrupt sort of way.

Hilda- I think I’ll go out there and show him that the little hand is on the two and the big hand is-on-his-face!

Zelda- Hilda, come on now, calm down. I’m sure, if we call the authorities they’ll ask him to move along.

They watch the monkey flog another watch.

Hilda- And he’s got one of those little monkeys. What a pathetic way to attract attention.

They watch as another watch changes hands.

Salem- Hey, maybe you wouldn’t have such a hard time selling clocks if you had some of that monkeys charm. Ha-ha!

Hilda- Or maybe if you did.

Salem- Like I’d ever do that. Like they even make little bell-hop suits for cats.

They may not do but... Hilda points and Salem is wearing a little bell-hop suit made for a cat.

Salem- (Cont.) Oh that’s right, you’re a witch. I’ll be back with your towels and ice. (Sob!)

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen.

Zelda- Hilda, I’ve gotta tell ya. I think we should wait for the City to take action against that watch hustler.

Hilda- No, they’ll take forever to crack down. I’m telling you this is a better plan.

‘This’ is Salem in his bell-boy suit with an accordion.

Hilda- (Cont.) I’m gonna beat that little dancing monkey at his own game. Play it Sam.

She points.

Salem- The humiliation is only eclipsed by the chafing.

Magically compelled, Salem plays a lively little tune as Sabrina comes down.

Sabrina- Huh! You’ll do anything to avoid the draft, wont you?

The toaster pings and Sabrina picks up the message.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey! This is great!

Hilda- Is someone offering us a big screen TV just to look at some Other Realm condo’s?

Sabrina- Almost as good, grandma wants to visit. Can we be home this time?

The aunts are far from as enthusiastic about the idea.

Hilda- Oh please no, not mother and her little bag of slides.

Sabrina- Oh come on, she can help me with my sociology homework. I have to trace the family tree and I don’t know where to put my great-uncle with the recessive goat-boy genes.

Zelda- Sabrina dear, for us, time spent with mother is... bitter-sweet.

Hilda- More like bitter... bitterer.

Sabrina- But I haven’t seen my grandma in ages. Can’t you just give her a chance, for me?

Zelda- Well mother does know about the family tree.

Hilda- I guess I don’t need maternal nurturing. I have a, nearly, successful clock shop.

Zelda- So, we’ll do it for Sabrina.

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo! I see some hard-candy in my future and I promise this’ll be her best visit ever.

Sabrina leaves for school and Zelda pats Hilda on the shoulder.

Zelda- We’re doing the right thing.

Hilda- And I can keep it together until mother leaves.

Salem strikes up another jaunty tune.

Hilda- (Cont.) And stop that!!!

Salem- Huh!!!

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina and Harvey walk together.

Harvey- I still don’t see how doing geniality study is going to get me into the college of my choice?

Sabrina- Oh, well maybe you’ll find a long-lost relative who donated Harvard a sit-com wing.

Harvey- The real problem is, I don’t have time to work on it. My parents are making me baby-sit three afternoons a week and not even going out! Do you think that’s fair?

Sabrina- Only if they compensate you by extending the curfew of your choice.

Harvey- Oh that’s brilliant! Where would I be without your cool, rational thinking?

Sabrina- Home by ten.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina is looking through a vast array of old brick-a-brack that has come out of a travelling chest that’s set on the floor.

Sabrina- I love all this old family stuff.

She leans over the trunk and call’s down into it.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey grandma! Did you find those pictures down there?

Her grandma, Lydia, a grey haired middle aged witch with friendly eyes, looks up from way-way down in the bottom of the sixteen inch high chest. Only a witches travel chest can be thirty times larger on the inside than it is on the outside... oh and Dr. Who’s Tardis.

Lydia- Got ‘em!

Lydia climbs out of the trunk awkwardly clutching the photos and a violin.

Lydia- (Cont.) Give us a hand would you dear?

Sabrina helps her out.

Lydia- (Cont.) Oh and I found Hilda’s baby violin. Did I ever tell you she was a prodigy?

Sabrina- Oh only every time you mention her.

Lydia- But these dresses are the real prize.

She pulls out a matching pair of frilly, golden yellow dresses that are so bright they make your eyes ache. Yards of lace trim makes them heavy to lift.

Lydia- (Cont.) Zelda and Hilda got so much attention when they wore them.

Sabrina- Yeah well, two of those walking down the road towards me would certainly turn my head. It’s so great that you brought all aunt Hilda and aunt Zelda’s stuff.

Lydia- Oh they’re my daughters, I adore them... specially in those dresses. Oh they were so cute you just wanted to squish ‘em.

The cuties enter the front door.

Zelda- Hi!

Hilda- We’re home.

Lydia- Hey, we were just talking about you. Zelda Ah!

They hug.

Lydia- (Cont.) Hilda. Oh!

Another hug.

Lydia- (Cont.) I just love your hair.

Sabrina- (To Zelda) Big hugs and a compliment. Not too shabby.

Lydia- It’s so much nicer than the way you used to wear it.

Zelda gives Sabrina an ‘I told you so’ look.

Hilda- Oh, you mean the way I wore it for a whole century?

Lydia- Hmm. It seemed longer. Oh and Zelda, congratulations on your latest PhD.

Zelda- Oh thanks mom, it took a lot of hard work.

Lydia- Yes, a PhD. Still no Mrs. Hm?

Zelda- No mom, no husband. Just a chance to use my silly knowledge to change the world.

Sabrina- Oh well y’know we’ve had a lot of fun looking through this old trunk. We’ve found aunt Hilda’s baby violin.

She hands the miniature instrument to Hilda. Who can’t help but smile.

Lydia- Oh yes, all those violin lessons. Now that was money well spent, but the catilion! That was a dead-end huh?

Sabrina- Okay! Enough about that? Look we found a picture of you guys when you where little girls on some farm. Now that, my friends, is what I call a happy memory.

The picture shows two smiling, blonde eight year old witches sitting on an old horse drawn cart. Zelda holds the rains.

Hilda- That was a nice time.

Zelda- Yes it was. I wasn’t married then either.

Lydia- Oh Hilda, look how pretty you are when you smile. Ever thought of doing that again?

Hilda- Ow! Well this has been just great, but I am late for... that thing.

She gets up and heads for the door. Zelda smacks the side of her head as though just remembering.

Zelda- Oh! That thing!

She’s off too.

Zelda- Catch you in a hundred years mom.

They both leave... fast.

Lydia- I sense some tension. Tell me the truth, they’re not getting along, are they?

As Lydia bends to pick up her hand-bag Sabrina bites her lip and points at the photo of her aunts, making it vanish.

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock workroom. The photo reappears on the face of the lost-in-time clock.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina is pleased with herself.

Sabrina- They just need to remember some happy memories.

Lydia- Hard-candy?

Sabrina takes the sweet.

Sabrina- Oh grandma!

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. Hilda and Zelda enter. Hilda turning the sign to ‘Open’

Zelda- Thank goodness we have your shop to escape to.

Hilda- I know, I hope mother never finds out I gave up the violin to buy it.

Zelda- You’ll never hear the end of it. The violin is the only thing I ever heard her praise you for.

Hilda- Well if by praise, you mean statements like ‘That’s enough, go and play with your friends’, ‘Oh! It’s bed-time’

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina and her grandmother are still going through the wonderful contents of the trunk. Lydia pulls out an old military cape.

Lydia- This belonged to that cad, the Earl of Sandwich. Oh he had the biggest crush on my Zelda, but she refused to be another notch on his epaulet. My girls always followed their hearts.

Sabrina- That’s wonderful. Why don’t you tell them that? How about now? We’ll go see them at the clock shop and you can tell them...

Lydia- (Interrupting) Wait. Wait. Did you say ‘clock shop'?

Sabrina- Yeah, aunt Hilda bought her own clock shop. Now she owns her own business, isn’t that great?

Lydia- So... she gave up the violin?

Sabrina- Actually... she blew it up. Talk about following your heart huh?

Lydia- Excuse me.

She walks into the dining room, smiles at Sabrina and slides the doors shut. A flash of light under the doors accompanies a loud bang and seeping smoke.

Sabrina- Grandma?! Oh this can’t be good.

Int. Hickory Dickory clock. A customer enters and walks towards Hilda at the counter. She starts her proven sales pitch.

Hilda- Hello, would you like to buy a clock?

Customer- Oh, no thanks, I just bought a Rolex from the monkey. Do you have a rest-room?

Hilda- OUT! Out! You primate frequenter! Shoo!

She comes round the counter and pushes the man out the door.

Zelda- Hilda, we’re also primates.

Hilda- Where is Salem? He’s supposed to be attracting business by looking cute in the window.

Zelda- I’ll check the back.

She goes into the work room.

Salem- Ahhh-choo!

Hilda- A-ha!

She finds the hiding cat in a cupboard beneath the counter. She lifts him up complete with bell-hop outfit.

Hilda- (Cont.) Salem, what are you doing down there? That capuchin just made another sale.

Salem- I don’t want people to see me this way... and I think that monkeys riddled with Ebola!

Int. Spellman dining room. Through the still thick smoke Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Grandma? Grandma? <Cough!> Did you go in the kitchen and make a sandwich?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters from the dining room to find it bare. But she’s not ready to give up her search just yet.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Did you finish your sandwich and now you need a nap?

She heads upstairs hopefully.

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. Zelda returns from the work room with the photo that Sabrina had zapped there.

Zelda- Look what Sabrina zapped to us. We did have one great summer on that farm.

Hilda- Yeah, I don’t remember fighting with mother at all. Either that or I’m repressing a horrible memory.

Salem- I just think it’s a shame that you aren’t witches with a magic clock that would allow you to bring someone back from the past, from say a farm, who would help you remember.

Zelda- Good idea! I could have done without the sarcasm but good idea. Let's find someone to help us understand mother.

Hilda- Oh and let's not get snagged on the fact that, once again, the children are asked to heal the parent.

They head for the workroom.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The ever hopeful Sabrina comes up the stairs and enters.

Sabrina- Grandma? Remember we were going to tell your daughters how much you love ‘em? Grandma?

She’s talking to herself.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, I’ve lost grandma.

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. Workroom.

Zelda- We must be careful not to bring mother back from the past. The one in the present is all I can handle.

Hilda- Mums here and it’s a bummer, bring us a friend from that happy farm summer.

Zelda opens the ‘Lost-in-time’ clock revealing the temporal black hole inside. Out of which trots a small, pink, piglet.

Zelda- Pinkie the pet pig!

Hilda- Well I don’t think we’re going to get any answers... unless he’s been hanging around with Arnold Zipple.

Meanwhile Salem is hard at work in the shop window. A sign has been put up reading ‘My cat does-tricks’ The current trick is that perennial favourite of people everywhere. Balancing as many spinning plates on the top of narrow poles as you can without them falling off and smashing. Salem’s doing all right with four on their poles and one on the end of his tail. It’s working. A pedestrian passer-by spots the show and stands open mouthed at the small black cats expertise.

Pedestrian- Not bad!

He catches sight of something out of the corner of his eye.

Pedestrian- Hey! A monkey!

He wonders off to the watch seller.

Salem- (To himself) Oh! Oh! Hang in there baby.

But he’s losing it. First one plate goes and quickly they all topple.

Salem- Oh! Oh! Oh-no! (Sob!)

Sabrina has arrived just in time to catch the end of the show. She enters the shop.

Sabrina- Salem, I hate to tell you this but Ed Sullivan’s been off the air for years. Aunt Hilda? Aunt Zelda?

Hilda- (OS) Back here!

She heads into the workroom.

Salem- (Calling after) Joe Franklin’s still interested!

Int. Workroom. Sabrina isn’t at all surprised to find her aunt Zelda on her knees trying to wrestle a reluctant pink pig into a grandfather clock.

Sabrina- Nice pig.

Zelda- Yes, but it refuses to get back inside the magic clock.

Sabrina- Oh, maybe the clocks kosher.

Her aunts don’t laugh at her little joke and the pig escapes and ducks under the work-table.

Sabrina- By any chance, have you seen grandma?

Zelda- No, she doesn’t know about this place.

Sabrina- She does now. I told her that aunt Hilda gave up her violin for the clock shop.

Hilda- (Horrified) How could you do such a thing?!

Sabrina- I don’t know! It never occurred to me that what you do for a living might be a secret! Anyway, I can’t find her.

Lydia- (OS) Hilda Spellman!

Sabrina- I found her!

Hilda looks to Zelda with true terror in her eyes.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Listen, she said some wonderful, loving things about you and I think she’d like to share them, but first, we have to get through this crisis.

She grabs her numb with fear aunt be the arms and points her towards the shop.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Just say ‘I should have told you about the clock shop and I couldn’t be sorrier’ Got it?

Hilda- Got it.

Sabrina- Okay. Remember, ‘Couldn’t be sorrier’ Go!

Hilda walks out into the shop.

Int. Shop front. Hilda enters while Sabrina and Zelda watch through the hatch-way.

Lydia- I went home and got these.

She waves sheaves of yellow slips under Hilda’s nose.

Lydia- (Cont.) Bills! Do you know what I’ve spent on two hundred years of violin lessons?

Hilda- About two-thirds of what I’ve spent on three hundred years of therapy! You controlling... control freak... controller!

Sabrina- (To Zelda) Did you hear ‘Sorry’?

Lydia- Well, that’s interesting information.

Sabrina and Zelda join them.

Sabrina- People. People, what we have here is an opportunity for truth and growth.

Lydia- I never knew you felt so dominated.

Hilda- Veal have more autonomy.

Lydia- I receive your meaning loud and clear, and I wont be bothering you again. I’m going home.

She leaves on the verge of tears.

Sabrina- (To Hilda) Oh go after her! Look, she’s still outside... buying a watch from the monkey.

Zelda- Sabrina, I think you’ve gotta face it, we’re never going to get along. This is just the way our family is.

Hilda- On the bright side; this was one of the nicest visits we’ve ever had.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina is up to her armpits in grandma’s trunk.

Sabrina- (To herself) I’m not giving up. Maybe if I show aunt Hilda all the things of hers that grandma saves, she’ll realise she really cares.

She digs amongst the dolls and toys of the Spellman sisters childhood and pulls out some papers. She flicks through them but can’t believe what she’s seeing.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Wow! I never knew this!

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. Sabrina enters with the papers to confront aunt Hilda.

Sabrina- How can you be so unforgiving to your mother who loved you enough to adopt you?

She hands over the papers she found in the trunk.

Hilda- Don’t be ridiculous, I’m not adopted! (Reading) It say’s right here that... I was adopted? I’m adopted?!

Sabrina- I thought you knew!

Hilda- I’m adopted?!!

Salem- Hey, that made things better.

Hilda- Well, being adopted certainly explains my feelings of rootlessness and emptiness.

Zelda- I didn’t know you felt rootless and empty?

Hilda- Well why would you? You and mother obviously don’t share my genetic tendency towards empathy.

Zelda- Oh this is silly. A piece of paper doesn’t change who your family is.

Sabrina- Yeah, what really matters is how you feel.

Hilda- Okay, I feel... AWFUL! I don’t know who I am!

Sabrina- You’re my aunt Hilda! You’re aunt Zelda’s sister! You’re Salem’s... frequent foil!

Zelda- Wait a minute. Hilda, come here.

She leads her adopted sister before a mirrored display and they look at the reflection.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh-no!

Or rather the lack of it. Zelda is clearly visible holding Hilda’s shoulders but it looks like she has her hands up in thin air. There is no sign of Hilda’s reflection.

Hilda- I’ve gone from who am I? To where am I?

Sabrina- What happened to her reflection?

Zelda takes her niece aside.

Zelda- It’s gone. This is the first symptom of a very serious condition. Hilda’s lost her identity and when a witch loses there identity they eventually disappear.

Sabrina- You mean like disappear like the Invisible Man or disappear like we visit once a year and bring flowers?

Salem- I’ve got a bad feeling, it’s the later.

Sabrina- We’ve gotta do something!

Zelda- Right! Sabrina, you go and see what you can find out from the Other Realm adoption records. I’ll track down mother and get the whole story.

Hilda- What about me?

Zelda- You stay here... in your clock shop, where you can cling to your identity... as a clock merchant.

They leave on their errands.

Hilda- (Calling after) An identity shrouded in failure! Oh but I do feel bad, we haven’t fed the pig.

Int. The Other Realm records office. Sabrina tries to ring something out of a bored clerk

Sabrina- I’ll take whatever information you can give me.

Clerk- Name?

Sabrina- Sabrina Spellman. Oh you mean the name of the adopted one, Hilda Spellman.

The clerk flicks through a large rolodex on the counter.

Clerk- Zelda Spellman?

Sabrina- No, Hilda Spell... Wait a minute! What’s aunt Zelda’s name doing in there?

Clerk- She was adopted into the Spellman family.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda and aunt Hilda were both adopted? Ha! And yet none of this was the family secret.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina returns from the Other Realm. Salem’s eager for some gossip.

Salem- What d’ya find out?

Sabrina- If I can find aunt Zelda’s adoption papers, maybe Hilda will listen to her.

She dives into grandma’s trunk.

Salem- Zelda was adopted?!

Sabrina- Ha! Got ‘em.

Salem- Burn them! Destroy them! Buy a shredder and put it on my card.

Sabrina- Salem relax, this is a good development. Zelda’s stable, she’s a scientist.

Salem- N’yeah-n’yeah.

Sabrina- She understands that family is who loves you, not whose genes you have.

Salem- N’yeah-n’yeah.

Sabrina- And maybe her attitude will rub-off on aunt Hilda.

Salem- Okay.

Zelda- (OS) I’m back! Anybody home?

Sabrina- Get ready for a clank and things going really well.

She heads for the kitchen and aunt Zelda.

Salem- N’yeah-n’yeah.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda’s removing her coat as Sabrina comes in with the adoption papers.

Zelda- Mother is in neither realm. I looked everywhere, even The Red Lobster. Did you have any luck?

Sabrina- Oh, well I have some... pretty good news.

She hands over the papers.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem’s rationalising.

Salem- (To Himself) Maybe Sabrina’s right. She’ll tell Zelda and Zelda will help Hilda and everyone will be healed.

Zelda enters looking lost.

Zelda- I’m off to the clock shop to see if it will help with my feelings of rootlessness and emptiness.

She stops in front of the mirror to find that she’s either suffering the same fate as her sister... or had better watch out for the slayer.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh dear.

Salem- No reflection! Oh no-no-no (Sob!)

Zelda leaves and Sabrina enters looking worried.

Salem- (Cont.)(Chanting) Zelda’s stable, she’s the scientist. Zelda’s stable, she’s the scientist.

Sabrina- I hope that little routine was worth a lifetime without tummy-rubs.

Salem- G’he!

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. Zelda enters and walks straight up to Hilda.

Zelda- I’m adopted too.

Hilda- You can never let me have my moment can you?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina’s pacing.

Sabrina- This is all my fault and I have to fix it.

Salem- Yes, I would suggest you get help from your family but you managed to desolve that.

Sabrina scowls.

Salem- (Cont.) Your aunts are adopted, your fathers probably adopted, you’ve got a grandmother that lord knows if you’re even related to.

Sabrina- You’re right! Who am I anyway?

Salem- Don’t go there!

Sabrina- But it’s so sad, little Sabrina has no family. (Sob!) Where’d all this emotion come from?

Salem- Oh-no, you’re questioning your identity and since you’re part mortal, instead of disappearing, part of your personality will fade.

Sabrina- Which part!!!

Salem- Apparently the rational part.

The door bell rings.

Sabrina- Oh-no, someone’s at the door. It could be Death or-or someone really icky!

Salem- We’ll never know until someone answers it. You’re the only one here with hands.

And her hands have fingers and her fingers have nails that she gnaws on when anxious. She looks at them.

Sabrina- Right.

Reluctantly she heads for the door.

Int. Spellman living room. A figure is visible through the frosted glass of the door. The nail chewing Sabrina arrives and plucks up courage.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, you can do it. You can do it. I can’t do it!... Do it!!

She opens the door to reveal Harvey.

Harvey- Hey, could I hit you up for some more of that cool, logical thinking?

Sabrina- Harvey!

She jumps up and down with excitement.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I thought I’d never see you again!

She throws her arms around him, hugging him close.

Harvey- Are you having eye problems?

Sabrina- I am?

She releases him to start feeling at her eyes.

Harvey- Let’s start over. I’m upset about my family tree, I’m back four generations, the only thing I’ve learned about the Kinkle clan is that we’re all exterminators.

Sabrina- Dear lord, NO!

Harvey- Bad exterminators Sabrina. My great-great grandfather killed rats with a stone. My family stinks.

Sabrina- Oh but they’re your family and family’s what matters. Gods speed Harvey Kinkle.

Harvey- Right oh.

Harvey leaves confused as Sabrina retreats to the emotional safety of her home.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, I have an identity. I’m Sabrina! I have two aunts who need me.

She heads back to the trunk getting a firmer grip on herself.

Sabrina- (Cont.) These memories might help. Hey, I’m being pretty rational.

But then in the bottom of the trunk she spots...

Sabrina- Oh! A nameless teddy-bear I have no connection to? (Sob!) When I get back, I’m naming you.

She hugs it, kisses it and lays it aside as she grabs a sack of memories and leaves.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem’s trying a different approach.

Salem- Dear God. please patch up my family and make them as good... no make them better than they were before. One of the ways you might improve us; Wet food for the cat. If you see fit to answer this prayer, please send me a simple yet unmistakably clear sign. Let coins rain down on the kitchen table.

He stares expectantly across at the table which remains stubbornly un-rained upon.

Salem- Okay, plan ‘B’

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. The inspector from the Westbridge City Council has arrived to sort out Hilda’s complaint about the watch seller. They stand behind the counter as they talk to him.

City Inspector- Okay, it appears said watch salesman is down the block. Step outside and make a positive ID and the system will take it from there.

Hilda- He’s the one with the monkey, how hard can that be?

City Inspector- You’re refusing to identify the man?

Hilda- I can’t even identify myself.

Zelda- Er... we can draw you a picture.

City Inspector- If you change your mind, call me.

He leaves and Sabrina holds the door for him as she comes in.

Sabrina- Why didn’t you identify monkey man?

Zelda- We thought the fact that we’re slowly disappearing into nothingness might give the officer pause

They come from round the counter and their lower bodies are showing a marked translucent quality.

Sabrina- Okay, this is making me really emotional. (Sniff!) Must... stay... strong. I’m Sabrina, the girl with the disappearing aunts.

She hands over the bag she took from the trunk.

Hilda- What’s this?

Sabrina- A reminder of who you are and how much your mother loved you. Now I have to get back to the Other Realm. Never surrender!

She raises her fist in salute and dashes from the shop.

Zelda- <Sigh!> Maybe this will help.

She reaches into the bag and pulls out an outrageous yellow dress.

Hilda- AH! Oh, not those dresses.

Oh, the flash-backs.

Zelda- Oh! Oh! Remember how mother used to insist we wear them.

They hold them up to themselves.

Hilda- (Imitating) Oh you look so cute, just like twins. Uck!

Zelda- A huge, gallumping, yellow twin. There’s one thing I’ve always wanted to do.

They scrumple up the dresses and toss them away. They burst into flames in mid air and are consumed completely by the magical fire before hitting the ground.

Zelda- Ha-ha!

Hilda- (Laughing) Oh, I’ll never forget the time you covered for me when my dress was inadvertently smeared with bacon grease and set aflame.

Zelda-(Laughing) Remember how you took the blame when mine was "accidentally" exposed to gamma rays? Those were good times... despite the radiation.

Hilda- That’s because we were always there for each other.

The words, the laughter, the feelings, the bond that makes them sisters exerts itself, giving them an anchor that holds them in place through the uncertainty. Their invisible legs regain substance as they affirm their identity for each other.

Zelda- That’s right. Hey Hilda, you’re not faded anymore.

Hilda- Neither are you!

Zelda- Ha-ha-ha! Well I guess that no-matter who our parents were... or weren’t, we’re sisters.

They hug each other.

Hilda- Who just happen to have a crazy mother who we can be glad didn’t spawn us.

The phone rings. Hilda answers.

Hilda- Hickory Dickory Clock, we’ve always got time for you.

Int. Spellman living room.

Salem- (On the phone) Get your none-reflecting butts home. Stat!

Int. The Other Realm records office. Sabrina wheedles with the clerk to try and get more information. She knows that there’s little hope of success having experienced bureaucracy before, but try she must.

Sabrina- And I would never ask a highly ethical person with a great benefits package, like yourself, to bend the rules if it wasn’t a matter of life and disappearance.

Clerk- Actually, we don’t seal the adoption records in this realm.

Sabrina- Gimme!

She whips the papers from the clerks fingers and runs from the office.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda arrive home to find a menagerie on the kitchen table. A cockatoo perched on the chair-back, a guinepig, a black, talking cat and a monkey dressed in a bell-hop outfit.

Hilda- What are these vermin infested animals doing here?

Zelda- And more importantly, why aren’t there newspapers down?

Salem- I borrowed Coco and his little friends as a visual-aid, so listen and learn. Like you ladies these animals do not live with their biological parents. They are all adopted, but they aren’t whining and they aren’t fading because they are loved. So are you... even if your mother is a crazy shrew.

Zelda- You’re absolutely right Salem.

Hilda- Don’t call mother a shrew... She’s a nut-case.

Salem- And now, would you be so kind as to peer into yonder mirror.

Smiling they walk towards the mirror.

Hilda- (aside to Zelda) Should we tell him that we’re already back to normal?

Zelda- Why spoil his moment.

They look in the mirror and sure enough their images look back.

Hilda- Hallelujah! We’re healed!

Zelda- It’s a miracle!

Salem looks up to the heavens.

Salem- Still waiting on those coins big guy.

Sabrina enters from the living room and looks at Salem’s new buds on the table.

Sabrina- Trouble deciding what to have for lunch? (To her aunts) Hey! You guys are whole again?

Zelda- Because we know who we are. A loving, unrelated by blood, family, and we have you to thank for it.

Salem- I thought you had me to thank?

Hilda- Sabrina, when you gave us dresses, you really helped us reconnect with ourselves.

Sabrina- So... did you wanna meet the biological mother I brought back?

Int. Spellman living room. The aunts enter arm in arm with Sabrina following and come to a surprised halt.

Zelda- Mother?

Lydia- I suppose I owe you an explanation. Sit down dears.

Hilda- This ought to be rich.

Lydia- Well your sister, Vesta, was terribly jealous of all the attention you got when you were little. So, being the scamp that she is, she turned your father and me into pigs.

Hilda- Go Vesta!

Sabrina- The Witches Council decided that people with pigs feet couldn’t raise children, so when Vesta refused to turn them back...

Zelda- You adopted us out.

Lydia- To a nice family in the country.

Zelda- (Aside to Hilda) No wonder we loved that farm.

Hilda- She wasn’t there.

Lydia- Oh no! Your father and I lived in the barn. Actually dad got very good at working an instamatic with his snout.

She picks up a photo album and sits between her daughters. They see some very unusual family photos

Hilda- That’s right, you found us those truffles.

Lydia- Then, one month later, we finally got Vesta to turn us back.

Sabrina- Grandma head-butted her.

Lydia- Well to get you back legally, we had to adopt you. Hence the papers in the trunk.

Zelda- So when you had the choice, you still wanted us?

Hilda- You like us. You really like us?

Lydia- Oh of course I do!

She takes her daughters hands in hers

Lydia- (Cont.) Oh.

Zelda- Oh.

Lydia- Well now that that’s all settled... can we please discuss why neither one of you has called me in the last week?

Hilda- Excuse me mother but the moment hasn’t shifted back to you... yet.

Zelda- We almost disappeared.

Sabrina- Come on guys, think about those fun times on the farm.

Zelda- Sabrina.

Hilda- With all due respect.

Lydia- Butt out.

Sabrina- (To herself) Yep! Without a doubt, this has been the best visit ever.

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock workroom. A quartet of witches prepare to say farewell to a little porker.

Sabrina- And you’re sure Pinkies not the pig your father was in the past?

Zelda- No, dad had a much curlier tail.

Run credits.

Lydia- A much stronger odour.

Hilda- Mother, one question. All that old stuff in that trunk, yet you threw out my old vogues?

There’s a knock at the shops back door. Zelda shoves the little pig through the ‘Lost-in-time’ clock and closes it before Hilda opens the door. The City Inspector enter.

Hilda- Oh, if you’re here to get me to press charges, I’ve had a change of heart. That little monkey has to eat too.

City Inspector- Actually that fellow with the bargain watches filed a complaint. I’m here to cite you for unregistered live-stock. It is swine-flu season.

He scribble the ticket and hands it to Hilda.

Hilda- What?!

Sabrina- Well at least we have something to talk about at the next reunion huh?



Pic of the Week