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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Silent Movie

Written By - Carrie Honigblum & Renee Phillips
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Valerie - Lindsey Sloan
Mr. Kraft - Martin Mull
Policeman - Sean Laughton

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman living room. Three witches and their pussy are gathered around the grand piano.

Zelda- I have something very important to tell you. Something that could change all our lives forever.

Sabrina- You’re buying me a new car?

Salem- You’re havin’ my baby?

Hilda- Stop it, let her talk.

Zelda- You see...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Oh! We’re finally getting a cabana boy?

Zelda- No! Now I know you’re not going to like what I’m about to say but be warned, I don’t wanna hear it.

Salem- Say it!

Zelda- Okay, I think Willard Kraft is going to propose to me. I don’t wanna hear it!!

Sabrina- Will you excuse us?

She picks up Salem and leaves along with Hilda.

Ext. Westbridge suburbs. Wheels screech sending fall leaves scattering as the Volvo leaves town.

Ext. The Mid-west. The train whistle blows. The Amtrak thunders across the fast breadth of the continental US.

Ext. Tucson International Airport. The Jumbo Jet lifts laboriously from the run-way and climbs into the blue sky.

Ext. Florida. Solid booster rockets blast the hundreds of tones of space shuttle with enough force to lift it from the gravitational pull of the planet.

Ext. A moonlit night. somewhere on it’s pale surface there rises the most terrible screams of horror and despair that has ever been known.

Int. Spellman living room.

Zelda- I heard that!

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina walks with Valerie.

Valerie- I was so excited about getting a job at the school store until I found out Mr. Kraft is gonna be my boss.

Sabrina- Well I was so excited about life until I found out Mr. Kraft is gonna be my new step-uncle!

Valerie- Your aunt Zelda’s marrying Mr. Kraft? It can’t be!

Sabrina- Oh it be!

Valerie lays a comforting hand on her friends shoulder.

Valerie- I am so so sorry.

Sabrina- I've got a plan. I’m gonna act as obnoxious as possible. He wont want to live with a troubled teen.

A worried looking Harvey comes up to them.

Harvey- Sabrina, can I talk to you alone?

Sabrina- Sure, if we can get rid of Miss Third-wheel over here.

Valerie looks stricken.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Sorry, I was just trying to act obnoxious. You know, for Mr. Kraft?

Valerie- Oh good, I was worried it was a new nick-name.

She wanders off still looking worried and a little upset and passes Libby at her locker who has overheard.

Libby- Miss Third-wheel? I like it!

Meanwhile Harvey plucks up his courage.

Harvey- So I have something important to tell you.

Sabrina- Harvey, your Adams-apple is quivering.

He covers his throat, takes Sabrina by the hand and leads her outside to the school yard.

Harvey- This is perfect.

They sit together on a bench.

Harvey- (Cont.) Nice and quiet. Sabrina. I...

A student passes carrying a boom-box cranked up to the max. They wait until he’s passed.

Harvey- (Cont.) Anyways, Sabrina...

The workmen have arrived early and they start drilling up the road outside the school. Once again cutting him off. After a few seconds they stop for their first break of the day.

Harvey- (Cont.) I-I just wanna say that...

A wheels screech precedes the crump of two cars getting intimate.

Harvey- (Cont.) Sabrina, I...

The school bell rings.

Harvey- (Cont.) I give up!

He gets up and leaves.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Okay, well let’s get together and almost talk another time!

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda leans against the door trying to look her sexiest and smiling sillily at a very handsome young policeman.

Policeman- So as you may or may not know, next Saturday we’re having our policeman’s ball and I was wondering...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Well I’d love to go erm...

She fingers his ID badge.

Hilda- (Cont.) ...Dale.

Policeman- Ma’am, I’m selling tickets.

Hilda- (Disappointed) Oh! Well I’ll take two.

He hands over the tickets.

Hilda- (Cont.) Will there be firemen there?

After the policeman leaves she walks up behind Zelda who’s sat reading a magazine on the settee.

Hilda- What’ya reading?

Zelda quickly tries to hide the magazine.

Zelda- Nothing.

Hilda- Well I’m off to the kitchen.

She walks a few paces before turning and snatching the magazine from Zelda’s hands.

Hilda- (Reading) ‘Today’s Bride’?

Zelda- I accidentally picked it up instead of ‘Omni’

Salem- (OS) Zelda!

She gets up and snatches her magazine back.

Zelda- Excuse me.

And heads for the dining room.

Int. Spellman dining room. Salem’s got sample books spread across the table and wears half-spectacles with a diamante safety chain.

Salem- Zelda darling, as your bridal consultant, I insist you make some decisions. Ice-sculpture or chocolate-fountain? Both would be gouache.

Hilda- And when did Salem become Mr. Salem?

Zelda- I just want a simple garden ceremony.

Salem- Honey, if we’re going that route, let’s just book a polka band.

Hilda- Am I the only one unwilling to overlook the obvious?

Zelda- That Salem is fired?

Salem- Huh?

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda follows Zelda back in.

Hilda- Now, obvious fact number one. Willard hasn’t asked you to marry him yet and obvious fact number two...

Salem- (Interrupting) He-he-he! You said 'number two'.

Hilda- (Cont.) Willard is unfortunately still in love with me. I don’t know why you want to marry a man who’s pining after your sister?

Zelda- You forgot to mention obvious fact number three. You’re nuts!

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina walks up to the ‘Hole in the wall’ otherwise known as the school store. Valerie’s working behind the counter with Libby waiting.

Sabrina- Hey, do you have any idea what Harvey was trying to tell me?

Libby- Do you mind? I need a notebook that doesn’t clash with my sweater. (To Valerie) Today!

Valerie hands over a blue notebook.

Valerie- That’ll be a dollar ninety-five.

Libby- I hate to ask you this, but could I pay you later? I spent all my allowance on my cousins prosthetic leg.

Valerie- Oh Libby, that’s so sad. Yeah, I’ll right you an IOU.

Libby leaves.

Sabrina- Valerie, I don’t think she’s gonna pay you back.

Valerie- Why?

Sabrina- Oh well there’s her lame excuse, the fact that she’s Libby...

Libby- (To her friends) She bought the cousin story.

Sabrina- And that.

As they both watch Libby and her friends laughing. As they leave they see Mr. Kraft headed their way with a cardboard box. A student makes the mistake of getting in his way.

Mr. Kraft- Hey there! Hey! Hey!

He has the student hold the cardboard box so he can write out the detention slip.

Sabrina- Oh, there’s future uncle Mr. Kraft. I wish my aunt Zelda realised what a villain he is.

Valerie- I know, I get whoosie every time he heads my way.

She holds her stomach.

Valerie- (Cont.) Is he heading my way?

Sabrina- Yep! Time to put my most obnoxious foot forward.

Mr. Kraft places the cardboard box on the counter.

Mr. Kraft- Well I just scored a shipment of used computer science books. There haven’t been that many technological advances since the fifties.

Sabrina- Yeah? You and what army?

He just looks at her oddly and leaves.

Sabrina- (To Valerie) Okay, that wasn’t obnoxious, that was just stupid.

Valerie- Maybe Mr. Kraft wont want to live with an idiot?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda trails her sister in from the dining room.

Hilda- Now what makes you so sure that Willard is going to propose?

Zelda- Look, there have been many hints. If you don’t believe me just bake a wedding indicator cake.

Hilda- Good idea. The proposal hints we will review, does this shlub wanna marry you?

She points at the table and when Hilda’s flamboyant burst of smoke clears it reveals a three tiered wedding cake with a tiny Zelda in a beautiful white wedding dress and a tiny Mr. Kraft in a tux on the top.

Tiny Mr. Kraft- Zoo-Zoo, there is something personal I have been working up the courage to ask you.

Tiny Zelda- Okay Monkey, what is it?

Tiny Mr. Kraft- Well be patient my love. First you must meet grammy Kraft so she can give us her blessings.

Hilda- Blessings? She’s probably a lady of the cloth.

Tiny Zelda- Please, just give me a teensy weensy little cluey whoey?

Tiny Mr. Kraft- Well let’s just say that this spring might be a pretty busy time for us.

Zelda- Spring! Ha-ha. Spring wedding? Spring bride? Get it?

A tiny Hilda in a bridesmaid dress barges between the tiny Zelda and tiny Mr. Kraft knocking him off the top tier to splat into the icing below.

Tiny Mr. Kraft- Whoa!

Tiny Hilda- Hello? The man has not gotten over me!

Tiny Zelda- Willard!

Tiny Mr. Kraft- (OS) Not to worry. The rosette broke my fall.

Tiny Hilda- (To tiny Zelda) Do you see the way he’s looking at me?

Int. Westbridge High School. The Hole in the wall. Valerie has another customer.

Valerie- Okay, I’ll take your IOU but you have to sign it.

The boy signs the paper, takes the books and leaves.

Valerie- (Calling after) Have a nice day... (Reading) Obi-Wan Ken... Hey!

Harvey arrives.

Harvey- Valerie, I need to talk to you about Sabrina.

Valerie- Harvey, your Adams-apple is quivering.

He gulps and clutches his throat.

Harvey- I wanna tell her something. Something I’ve never told another girl before but I can’t get the words out.

Valerie- Well what is it?

Harvey- I love you.

Her face takes on a dreamy expression.

Valerie- Aauuh.

Harvey- You do know I meant Sabrina right?

Valerie- That is so sweet. You’ve gotta tell her.

Harvey- What if she doesn’t say it back? I’ll be devastated.

The school bell rings

Harvey- (Cont.) I gotta go. Whatever you do, don’t tell Sabrina anything.

Int. School cafeteria. Valerie sits down.

Valerie- Harvey wants to say ‘I love you’. He’s never said it to another girl before.

Sabrina- Harvey loves me?! Harvey Kinkle loves me?!... It sounds better without the Kinkle, doesn’t it?

Valerie- Yeah, but look, he’s afraid that you wont say it back.

Sabrina- Of course I’d say it back. I feel it back.

Int. School hallway.

Harvey- So you’re sure she’ll say it back? Well how do you know?

Valerie- It’s... a girl thing.

Harvey- Then I’ll tell her this Friday. That’ll gimme time to get a haircut.

Later. Valerie and Sabrina walk hand in hand down the hallway.

Sabrina- (Excited) This Friday?

Valerie- Yes, but you know nothing.

Mr. Kraft- E-hem! Have I lost my mind or should you two hens be in class?

He leaves.

Valerie- Okay, that was a perfect chance for you to be obnoxious.

Sabrina- I’ve changed tacks. If I can find one thing I can stand about Mr. Kraft. One tiny, little thing. I can focus on that and it’ll get me through to college.

Mr. Kraft- (To a student) Just what part of tuck your shirt in don’t you understand?

Valerie- Well he doesn’t hit.

Mr. Kraft raps the boy on top of his head with his leather-bound detention-slip holder.

Sabrina- One tiny, little thing!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda comes down stairs holding her finger out.

Hilda- Ow! Ow! Ow!

Salem- You mean meow! Ha-ha. A little cat humour.

Hilda- Very little, I’ve got a hang-nail on my pointing finger!

It’s more like a hang-tack than a hang-nail but it still hurts.

Zelda- Oh that’s wonderful!

Hilda- You might wanna work on your bedside manner.

Zelda- Oh I’m sorry, it’s just I’m relieved your magic is out. Willard and his grandmother are coming to dinner tonight and you wont be able to use your magic to spoil the evening.

Salem- She’s still got a mouth!

Zelda- I think he’s going to propose. He said he’s bringing a very special box.

She takes plates through to the dining room.

Hilda- (Under her breath) It’s probably pine, lined in satin.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina walks past the library as Mr. Kraft comes out. He barges her out of his way.

Mr. Kraft- Move!

Sabrina- (To herself) I know I can find something I like about Willard Kraft. I know I can.

Meanwhile Mr. Kraft has gone across to the Hole in the wall and dumped down a jar full of IOU’s.

Mr. Kraft- Miss Birkhead! You get these dead-beats to pay up or it is coming out of your own pay-cheque!

Valerie begins to fill up.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) What?! Oh please, save your tears for debtors prison.

He walks off past a boy trying to get a drink at the water-fountain. He barges past.

Mr. Kraft- Move!

The boy gets a faceful of water.

Sabrina- (To herself) He has no odour to speak of.

Harvey arrives.

Harvey- Hey.

Sabrina- Harvey! I’d love to go out on Friday... I mean how are you?

Harvey- Fine. So I was wondering, do ya wanna go out on Friday?

Sabrina- Okay!

Harvey- Okay.

Valerie- <Sob! Sob!>

Sabrina- Excuse me, I have to go visit Lake Valerie.

Int. Spellman dinning room. Zelda’s laying out the table for dinner.

Zelda- Now what should I make for dessert?

Better to be safe so with a point a complete dessert rack with a dessert waiter appear. You can never have too much sweet, or maybe you can.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh-no, it looks like I’m trying too hard.

She points again to remove it all.

Salem- Me like pie.

Zelda- Pie!

She points again and the sideboard is filled with pies.

Salem- Marvellous.

Zelda- Grammy Kraft is bound to like one of these.

Hilda enters in her evening frock but in a very strange posture. Her arm is reaching way over her back.

Hilda- Hang-nail - Caught - Help.

Zelda- Hold still.

She points and the nail comes free.

Hilda- Oh thanks. Could you zip me up please?

Zelda- Gladly.

She points once more and Hilda’s zipped up. That is her mouth is zipped up.

Salem- He-he-he-he!

Hilda unzips her mouth.

Hilda- I meant the dress.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina sits dreaming happy day dreams in her evening frock as she holds a framed photo of Harvey. She practices trying different emphasis.

Sabrina- (To the photo) I love ya. I love ya. I Love you.

Salem- I love you too.

Sabrina- If you loved me, you’d knock. So, what’s new?

Salem- Ah not much. Got a letter from mom. killed a plant. Oh, and overheard that Mr. Kraft is asking for Zelda’s hand in marriage tonight.

Sabrina- Tonight! <Gasp!> I need air!

She throws the window open and breaths deeply.

Sabrina- (Cont.) That did absolutely nothing!

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina rushes in and finds Hilda.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, is it true? I thought we had more time.

Hilda- I know, he’s marrying Zelda to get back at me. The ultimate revenge.

Sabrina- What are we gonna do? I’ve done everything. I even stooped so low, I tried to see the good.

Hilda- I guess we just have to accept it and envision ourselves as one big happy family.

They look up envisioning. The Brady Bunch opening with a few fresh blondes and a black cat in a blonde wig mixed in amongst them. It looks more like celebrity squares than The Spellman Bunch. Beside it just doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

Hilda- (Cont.) I’ll take Jan Brady to block.

Sabrina- Why does Mr. Kraft have to rear his ugly head now? I should be looking forward to Friday and my date with Harvey and those words that’ll make it the happiest day ever.

Hilda- What’s happening Friday?

Sabrina- Nothing!

Zelda enters with a fresh arrangement of flowers for the coffee table.

Zelda- I want everything to be just perfect.

She places the flowers just so.

Zelda- (Cont.) There, we’re going to have a lovely supper and then afterwards you’ll wheel grammy Kraft into our new handicapped bathroom.

She points upstairs and there’s the clunk of a new extension to the house.

Hilda- You do that for him and yet I can’t have a racket-ball court?

Zelda- And then Willard will ask me to be his wife and I’ll say yes and everything will be wonderful! And we will all live tolerantly ever after.

The door bell rings.

Zelda- (Cont.)<Gasp> They’re here!

She hurries to answer the door.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh I hope I look okay.

Sabrina- (To Hilda) She’s so excited, we’ve only been thinking about ourselves.

Hilda- Well you’re just a teenager and I’m... me.

Sabrina- I know but... Look, we can’t ruin it for her okay? We’ve gotta make a pact, we wont say a word, no matter what Willard Kraft says.

Hilda- No matter how offensive or vile.

Zelda opens the door and Mr. Kraft enters.

Mr. Kraft- Hello.

Sabrina- Well, that’s my breaking point.

Hilda- Mine too.

They head off upstairs.

Mr. Kraft- Well, I guess we should shut the door. There’s a real storm brewin’

Zelda- Well where’s grammy Kraft?

Mr. Kraft- She’s coming. She always insists on driving her own car, despite the legal blindness. We are still going to have a family dinner thought, aren’t we?

Zelda- Oh yes, Hilda and Sabrina just went upstairs to... check on their ant farm. Their workers are trying to unionise.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina and Hilda paw through the magic book together.

Sabrina- There’s gotta be a way for us to keep quiet through dinner.

Hilda- I know a ‘mums the word’ spell, but my magic’s still out.

Sabrina- Oh I’d be happy to shut your mouth.

She gets a slap on her arm of Hilda.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey! You know what I mean. Okay, here it is. So nothing unkind will be heard, just remember mums the word.

She points at Hilda to activate her spell.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, let’s do a test. Um, (Deep voice) Sorry Hilda, my heart belongs to Zoo-Zoo.

Hilda- Mum!

Sabrina- That’s great aunt Hilda.

Hilda- Mum.

Sabrina- Is that all you can say? What a stupid spell.

She turns back to the spell book.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh! Okay, I think I’m going to go with ‘If you can’t say anything nice’ spell. (Reading) ‘To enact spell press here’

She presses the page.

Magic Book- Great, shut your pie-hole!

Sabrina- .......!

Nothing comes out.

Magic Book- Yeah, that’s more like it.

Sabrina looks up at Hilda and mouths ‘Hey it worked!’

They give the thumbs up sign to each other.

Int. Spellman dining room. The three witches are sat down to their meal with Mr. Kraft. He shovels food into his mouth with his napkin tucked in his shirt collar.

Zelda- And you don’t think we should have waited for grammy Kraft?

Mr. Kraft- No. No, she’s a slow driver and she’s always stoppin’ for hitch-hikers. Hilda, are you going to finish those potatoes?

Hilda- Mum.

Mr. Kraft- You’re right, they are good.

Zelda- Sabrina, you’ve been awfully quiet... and that’s greatly appreciated, but why don’t you tell us about school?

Sabrina, who had up until then been playing with her food, suddenly crams a big forkful into her mouth.

Mr. Kraft- Yeah, I’d love to hear about that ant farm.

She just points to her mouth while she chews, not wanting to be rude. The ring of the door bell comes to her rescue and with an ‘I’ll get it’ gesture she jumps up and leaves the table. Zelda offers Mr. Kraft another bread roll.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Oh. Yeah, I think grammy’s really gonna like you.

Hilda looks like she’s having trouble keeping her food down.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Later on, I wanna get you alone and finally ask you that question.

Zelda- You have a question for me?

Mr. Kraft- M-hm.

Zelda- Gosh! I wonder what that could be?

She looks pointedly at Hilda. Hilda just rolls her eyes.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Sabrina answers the door to find Harvey standing there.

Harvey- Um Sabrina, I have something to say to you and I can’t wait till Friday.

Sabrina frantically shakes her head no and waves her hands. He can’t do this now! She clutches at her throat to try and get across that she can’t speak.

Harvey- (Cont.) Yes, I know my Adams-apples quivering.

He takes her hand and leads her out onto the porch.

Harvey- (Cont.) I have to get this off my chest and please don’t say anything until I finish.

Sabrina reaches round behind her back and with a magical ping brings out a notebook and pencil. She starts to write to let Harvey know she can’t speak but he takes the book and pencil from her.

Harvey- (Cont.) Oh, you don’t need to notes, I’ll be brief. Sabrina, I love you.

He said it, Those three little words but as her heart swells with happiness it is burst by the fact that she can’t tell him how much she loves him back.

Harvey- (Cont.) Jump in any time here.

She does. She jumps up and down in frustration as she tries to force the words past the spell. It’s too strong for her.

Harvey- (Cont.) I should have known a girl like you wouldn’t love a guy like me.

He leaves like a whipped puppy while Sabrina silently screams after him. ‘Wait! No! I love you back! Wait!!!’ but it’s no use. He’s gone. Sadly, with tears pricking her eyes she goes back into a world suddenly lacking in colour.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina enters passing through an invisible barrier between technicolor and monochrome. Her shoulder length hair grows out into long, tight ringlets. Her evening frock transforms into a full length flouncey chiffon dress more akin to the twenties than the nineties and the piano plays a melancholy air.

Dramatically she clutches her hands over her heart and silently expresses her grief. A caption comes up reading.

Caption- Have I lost my beloved Harvey?

Sabrina senses something isn’t right here and looks down at herself, then round at the house. Her hand briefly flutters at her lips as she dashes quickly round to the piano to find out who’s playing the music. It’s Salem. He’s still in full colour of course, being black and he plays a mean honky-tonk.

She gestures to him and around at the black and white surroundings. What’s going on? Salem’s lips move.

Caption- We’re in a silent movie.

Sabrina’s open mouthed with shock and taps her head to think. Her gestures and movements greatly exaggerated. She has an idea and goes over to the patio doors and pulls back the curtains. Outside the world of colour still exists. It’s only inside that’s black and white and seventy years out of date.

She hurries back and grabs Salem and carries him outside. Oddly the piano carries on without him.

Ext. Spellman front porch. As soon as Sabrina steps out of the house she’s back in her evening frock and in glorious colour. She puts Salem down on the bench as ominous rumbles of thunder sound overhead.

Salem- Ah, it’s nice to hear the sound of my own voice. Fal-la-la-la-la-la-la-lugh!

Sabrina grips him round the throat to get his attention... and shut him up.

Salem- (Cont.) I gather you want an explanation? Did you put a silence spell on you and Hilda?

She nods yes.

Salem- (Cont.) Well when you incant two silence spells under one roof, everything under the roof becomes a silent movie.

Sabrina spots the notebook and pencil that Harvey has dropped and picks it up. Quickly she scribbles a question and shows it to Salem.

Salem- (Reading) ‘Why didn’t it kick-in when you cast the spells?’ Er because.

She scribbles again.

Salem- (Reading) ‘Why am I so worthless?’

She heads back into the house.

Salem- (Cont.) That’s just rude.

Int. Spellman living room. Nothing has changed and as she passes through the doorway she again changes into a nineteen twenties damsel. Her lips move and she gestures dramatically once again clutching her heart.

Caption- I must stop this spell so I can speak again and proclaim my love for Harvey!

Then she clasps herself under her bussom and twists with a pained expression.

Caption- And get out of this corset!

Int. Spellman dining room. Sabrina enters to see that the spell is in full force. Everyone in the house is caught up in it. Zelda lays her hand on Mr. Kraft’s arm and mouths words before getting up and going to the kitchen. No sooner has she gone than Mr. Kraft, now wearing top-hat and tails with a Dick Dastardly waxed tache leans across to Hilda with an evil leer.

Caption- How about a little kissy-poo?

His kissing lips move closer but Hilda shakes her head in horror. Sabrina is mortified by the pure evil that is Mr. Kraft.

Caption- I knew he was a villain!

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes up stairs and tries to open her bedroom door. It’s jammed. She puts her shoulder to it and at the second attempt it flies open. A strong wind blowing through her open window had held the door shut.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. She struggles against the gale into the room. the wind whips her hair and her dress back Anything loose is blown about the room.

Caption- The Storm!

She fights her way slowly across the room towards the open window.

Caption- Must reach Magic Book!

Closer and closer she gets fighting all the way. Will she make it?

Int. Spellman dining room. The wicked Mr. Kraft has the helpless Hilda in his clutches and is about to plant a kiss on her vulnerable lips. She leans back farther and farther to avoid it. As the lips are about to touch the door to the kitchen opens. Mr. Kraft lets go, dropping Hilda flat on the floor and turns to Zelda.

Zelda hasn’t noticed as she was putting down the coffee cups. She turns smiling into Mr. Kraft’s arms. They kiss. Then he has a wonderful idea.

Caption- Why don’t you two little ladies go and wash the dishes?

They leave for the kitchen. Zelda with a happy smile. Hilda with a slap across the face for Mr. Kraft. He just smiles, twirls his whiskers and heads off to further his diabolical plan.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Finally she’s made it all the way across to the open window and pulled it closed. But not before catching a wind blown pineapple in her mouth. With the storms wind abated she pulls the fruit from her mouth and throws it down.

Caption- Blechhh.

At last she can get to her magic book and stop the spell. She hops around in joy and clutches at her heart once more.

Caption- I found it! I can end the spell and tell Harvey I love him!

She picks up her photo of Harvey from the desk and smiles at his stern image in his ‘wings to Jesus’ collared shirt and sober suit. She hugs the picture to her breast but the devilish Mr. Kraft has other plans for out hapless maiden. He bursts into her room twirling his mustache. Sabrina puts her hand to her mouth in shock as he runs over to the magic book and tears out the page with the spell. She tries to snatch it from him and they tug back and forth but he is far stronger than she and wins out in the end. He tears it into little pieces with eager glee.

Our brave heroine defiantly plants her hands on her hips.

Caption- I’ll get it back.

Mr. Kraft just laughs and twists his mustache in a sinister way.

Caption- Oh, Yeah?

He has a plan to prevent that.

Later. Sabrina struggles in vain against her bonds. The cruelly tight ropes fasten her helplessly to the railway lines while Mr. Kraft stands over her rubbing his hands and laughing at her perilous plight. With a final wave he leaves her to her terrible fate.

Oh what is to become of her? Who will save her from the ten fifteen out of Westbridge? Will anyone heed her screams for help?

Caption- I guess it’s silly to scream in a silent movie.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Harvey knocks.

Harvey- (Calling out) Sabrina! I can’t find my car keys!

He knocks again but only silence can be heard from the Spellman house. He reaches for the door-knob.

Int. Spellman living room. The door opens and Harvey enters. The spell takes effect. His jeans and jacket transforms into a mountie’s uniform and his movements become dramatic and excessive.

He raises his hand to the peak of his hat and looks around.

Caption- Where is my beloved Sabrina?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda wash the dishes like the two good little ladies they are. Hilda tries to get the message across to Zelda by carefully leaving a message in gravy on one of the plates. She holds it up for Zelda. it reads. ‘Kraft is evil.

Zelda will have nothing bad said about her beloved and throws the offending plate on the floor, smashing it.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Despite the futility of her struggles and screams, brave Sabrina doesn’t give up. The door flies open and Harvey leaps in striking a gallant pose.

Caption- Sabrina, I’ve come to save you!

He quickly starts to untie his love from the tracks and helps her to her feet.

Caption- Now I can finally tell you. Harvey, I lo--

But Harvey places his hand over her mouth cutting off her silent endearment and puts his other hand to his ear.

Caption- Hark! The familiar whinny of my trusty steed Duke.

Having saved Sabrina he dashes off as quickly as he arrived. Sabrina stamps her foot in frustration.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Another visitor has arrived. Valerie knocks as more thunder rumbles overhead.

Valerie- (To herself) Sabrina, I sure hope you know what I should do about Mr. Kraft.

She goes to knock again but the door opens by itself with an ominous squeak. She enters.

Int. Spellman living room. Valerie enters into the silent Spellman world wearing a high waisted striped dress and curly ringlets. She raises her hand to her forehead searching for Sabrina but finds instead the dastardly, mustache twirling Mr. Kraft looming over her.

Caption- Where’s the money you owe the school?!

Valerie hands over the cash bag to Mr. Kraft. It’s obviously empty and a quick peek inside confirms it. Poor Valerie drops to her knees pleading for mercy. The back of her hand to her forehead. She weeps for pity but Mr. Kraft doesn’t know the meaning of the word. He towers over the helpless maid and wrings the waxed ends of his mustache.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are still at their chores when the newly released Sabrina comes down the stairs. All three lean towards the living room and lift their hands to their ears.

Caption- A scream!

Quickly they run to the living room.

Int. Spellman living room. Mr. Kraft is up to his tricks again and obviously enjoying his devious work. Poor Valerie struggles feebly against the ropes that hold her lashed to the train tracks now crossing the living room floor.

The three witches rush in. Hilda and Sabrina point at Mr. Kraft while Zelda clutches her face in horror when faced with the evidence of Mr. Kraft’s evil ways.

Caption- Get him!

They chase Mr. Kraft round the settee intent on bringing the miscreant to book.

Later. Mr. Kraft tugs the last knot tight fastening his alleged beloved Zelda to the tracks along side Hilda, poor Valerie and out hapless heroine, Sabrina. Zelda mouths her feelings.

Caption- I’m beginning to think he’s not a nice man.

Sabrina looks along the track and screams in terror. Mr. Kraft stands back laughing maniacally as the ten fifteen from Westbridge comes barrelling down the track. It’s smoke-stack billowing. All four helpless damsels in distress scream and struggle as it gets closer and closer. The dramatic piano gets more dramatic as Salem glances up from the keyboard and gauges the tempo to the approaching engine of death.

Caption- I thought I’d have a bigger part in this picture.

Oh what cruel fate. Is this the end for our plucky heroine and her friends? Who will save them?

Don’t miss next weeks exciting... Just kidding. Of course it’s Harvey the Mountie to the rescue.

Caption- I’m here to save Sabrina!

Caption- Again.

He runs around the settee and punches Mr. Kraft in the jaw sending him sprawling onto the armchair and quickly gets down on one knee to start untying Valerie but Mr. Kraft bounces back and thumps him in the stomach.

Caption- Owww!

The brave Mountie gets up and pushes Mr. Kraft away. There’s no time to lose as the steam engine plows ever nearer. Once again he starts to free the maidens. Devious Mr. Kraft takes him by the throat and shakes him while he’s trying to undo knots.

Caption- If only I had police assistance!

As if by magic and in the nick of time, the Keystone... I mean Westbridge Cops arrive with truncheons at the ready and runs around bumping into each other in good slap-stick style.

When the chaos is resolved it’s to find poor Valerie, Hilda and Zelda freed from the rail tracks but Harvey is now a Mountie in distress as he’s taken their place. But where are Sabrina and Mr. Kraft?

Valerie spots them and points as our heroine is dragged kicking and screaming into the dining room by the wicked vice-principle. The women give chase leaving Harvey to struggle alone against the ropes.

Int. Spellman dining room. The despicable Mr. Kraft has sweet Sabrina at his mercy and uses the threat of a terrible fate for her to keep her aunts and Valerie at bay. The pie his held inches from her pretty face. But thanks to Zelda’s over finger pointing earlier the girls are not without weapons of their own.

The pies fly. Ten, twenty, a veritable fusillade of custard pies zoom in the direction of Mr. Kraft. Alas, not a one finds it’s target. Sabrina gives her opinion.

Caption- Bad aim!

Then at long last a projectile hits the mark. Splatting Mr. Kraft square in the face.

Caption- I’m blind!

A smiling Harvey proudly dusts of his hands and plants his fists on his hips. The women look on adoringly. None more so than sweet Sabrina who runs to be swept up in his arms and carried off into the wide blue living room.

Int. Spellman Living room. Sabrina, still in her dashing sweethearts arms, removes his hat and they kiss.

The End.

Sabrina- Hey, we’re in colour! <Gasp!> And I can talk!

Harvey looks down at her with a raised eyebrow.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Just reminding myself to appreciate the little things.

Harvey- Sabrina, I just want you to know that I understand if you don’t feel the same way about...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Harvey, I love you.

Harvey- Really? Cool.

Sabrina- Very cool. So now that we’ve got that out of our systems, would you excuse me for a minute?

Int. Spellman dining room. There’s no trace of the pie battle that had taken place just minutes before. Hilda and Zelda are seated at the table with Mr. Kraft and Valerie’s tucking in also. Sabrina comes through and gestures for her aunts to follow her through to the kitchen.

Sabrina- Would you excuse us a minute?

Zelda- ‘Scuse us.

Her aunts follow her through and Valerie quickly makes to follow them but not quickly enough.

Mr. Kraft- Miss Birkhead, are you having any luck recouping those IOU’s?

Valerie- I’m selling my kidney on Ebay.

Int. Spellman kitchen.

Sabrina- So the movie ended just ‘cause Harvey and I kissed?

Salem- Whooooo!

Zelda- Sabrina, a silent movie always ends with a kiss.

Hilda- Or some whacky out-takes.

Zelda- I can’t believe I spent half my special evening over gesturing.

Sabrina- I’m sorry aunt Zelda, we just didn’t wanna say anything that would ruin your big moment but, thankfully, my mistake showed you that Mr. Kraft really is a villain.

Zelda- U-hu, and Harvey really is a Mountie. It was just a movie!

Sabrina- Are you upset just ‘cause you weren’t the lead?

Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda enters with coffee. Harvey’s joined Mr. Kraft and Valerie at the table.

Zelda- Everyone, continue enjoying pie.

Mr. Kraft- You bet.

Zelda taps him on the shoulder.

Zelda- Except you.

She takes his hand and leads him into the living room.

Mr. Kraft- What? What?

Once they are gone and Zelda slides the doors shut Harvey reaches across and helps himself to Mr. Kraft’s pie.

Int. Spellman living room.

Mr. Kraft- Well, we’re finally alone.

Zelda- U-hu, so what was this question you wanted to ask me?

She sits on the settee and Mr. Kraft settles beside her.

Mr. Kraft- Yes there is a question.

Zelda- Would you mind getting down on one knee?

Mr. Kraft- Oh, no.

He does.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Oh Zoo-Zoo, my dear. Will you...

He blows clearly nervous about what he’s about to ask. Zelda gets back into silent movie mode clutching her heart with excitement.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Will you... do my taxes?

He grabs the shoe-box from beside the settee and puts it in her lap. She looks inside at the pile of receipts with a shocked expression.

Zelda- Receipts?! I’ve waited my whole life for this?

She picks up the vase of flowers she had carefully arranged earlier and raises it above Mr. Kraft’s head.

Caption- CRASH!!!

Int. Spellman dining room. Sabrina and Harvey share a plate of pie.

Sabrina- You know, for some reason I thought the night we proclaimed our love would be more romantic.

Harvey- Me too, but this is good pie.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. It’s been a long evening as the Spellman’s head to bed.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, I’m sorry things didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to.

Zelda- Well it all worked out. Willard and I talked and once we’d cleaned the shards of glass out of his mustache, he asked me to go steady.

Hilda and Sabrina squeal with glee and smile at Zelda.

Zelda- (Cont.) So you are happy for me?

Hilda- Oh we’re just happy you’re not getting married.

The storm may be over but it still thunders in the Spellman household. Sabrina answers the linen closet but quickly jumps back. It’s Kong, King Kong and his sweetheart Fay Wray. At least it’s Kong’s hand with Fay sat on it.

Sabrina- Did my silent movie spell turn into a horror movie spell?

Zelda- No, it’s just another relative with another clue to the family secret.

Run credits.

Sabrina- Oh, I see the family resemblance. Aunt Hilda, you look just like Fay Wray.

Hilda- You think?

Zelda- Fay Wray is the clue but we are related to Kong.

Hilda- (Aside to Sabrina) He’s a third cousin with a pituitary problem.

Sabrina- Oh okay. So I’ve got Fay, a picture of me and a picture of Robert E. Lee. Fay-me-lee. Family! So the Spellman family secret is about the Spellman family! I got nothin’

Somehow Salem has ended up in Fay’s arms.

Salem- Sure I’d love to hang out with you guys.

Kong’s hand retreats into the closet taking Fay and Salem with it.

Salem- (Calling out) Call the airforce!!



Pic of the Week