The Big Sleep

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem reads the paper on the table as Sabrina enters carrying a cardboard box.

Sabrina- Salem, look at this photograph I found in the attic.

Salem- Photos? I was framed I tell you! How was I supposed to know she was married?

Sabrina- It’s not of you, it’s of some creepy old relative. Maybe she can help me figure out the families secret so I can finally get my witches licence.

She points at the old picture and the creepy relative springs out to stand in her sombre, puritanical black dress. Her hair tucked up beneath a black bonnet. She looks around herself confused.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hi, I’m Sabrina. I’m sorry to bother you but I was trying to figure out the families secret and I was wondering if you knew it?

Woman- Well you didn’t hear it from me but while your uncle Rupert was in prison for embezzling, his wife was having an affair with Rupert’s brother, Sinclair, but the explosion wasn’t his fault...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Whoa! So the Spellman’s aren’t the boring, pathetic losers they’ve been made out to be?

The boring, pathetic losers enters.

Hilda- Good morning Sabrina and Sabrina’s oddly dressed friend.

Zelda- (Aside to Sabrina) Dear I’ve told you. When they come to the door just take the pamphlet and smile. Don’t let them in.

Sabrina- Don’t you know who this is?

Hilda- Hey you’ve found the stuff I bought at the flea-market yesterday!

She starts rooting through the cardboard box.

Sabrina- A complete stranger.

Salem- But she doesn’t have to be.

He turns on his sexiest voice. After all black is his colour.

Salem- (Cont.) Hel-lo!

Unfortunately for Salem talking cats are not something complete strangers are comfortable with. The woman screams and runs for the door.

Sabrina- Who’s now going to sue us.

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina loses her balance under the weight of books she’s carrying. They’re going to go flying until Harvey comes to her rescue just in time. Together they manage to avoid the mayhem.

Harvey- Whoa! Sabrina, aren’t you afraid if you keep studying for this brainbusters competition your whole heads gonna explode?

Sabrina- I just don’t want to embarrass myself on Saturday in front of the entire school.

Harvey- Huh, it must be a horrible feeling to look like an idiot in front of an auditorium full o’ people.

Well that sure made Sabrina feel better about it and Harvey realises.

Harvey- (Cont.) Not that that would happen.

Valerie comes over to them in her cheerleaders uniform carrying a tray of delicacies.

Valerie- Cheese-puff?

Sabrina- Oh I’d love one, are they hiding underneath those things?

Valerie- These are my contributions to my first cheerleader bake-sale and nobody's buying ‘em.

Libby wanders over with a nearly empty tray of goodies.

Libby- Come on Birkhead, move some merchandise or you’ll be spit-shining my pom-poms.

She moves on.

Harvey- Ooh! Are they supposed to smell like feet?

Valerie- You smell it too? Help?

Sabrina- It’s all in the marketing.

She takes the tray from her friend and turns to the student thronged hallway.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Here! Have a cheese-puff, it’ll freshen your breath, whiten your teeth and clear up your acne.

The advertising standards people might take issue on her boasts but it works as half a dozen of the savouries disappear from the tray.

Sabrina- (To Valerie) The publics so gullible.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda enters through the back door with a large flat chunk of metal.

Zelda- Our neighbour, Mr. Tobias, is the most infuriating man on the planet. He ran over our trash-can again.

Salem- That was my favourite trash can! You can’t buy memories like that <Sob!>

Zelda puts the flattened trash-can on the table and points at it. It un-crumples back to its original, rather plain trash-can shape.

Salem- (Cont.) That’s not the trash-can I was thinking of.

Zelda- I am sick of his behaviour and I’m not gonna take it anymore.

Salem- Let’s destroy everything that’s dear to him. Let’s indoctrinate him into the cathedral of agony.

Zelda- I’m gonna write him a very stern letter.

Salem- You’re a regular Mad Max aren’t ya?

She goes out to the back porch.

Ext. Spellman back porch. Zelda is stopped dead in her tracks by the monstrous JCB yellow stacker-truck that Hilda, wearing a straw stetson, drives in.

Zelda- Hilda, what are you doing?

Hilda- Isn’t she a pip? I bought it at a yard sale for seventy-five cents and they threw in this cool farmers hat.

Zelda- Why do you insist on cluttering up our house with useless junk from flea-markets?

Hilda- Junk? You’re the one who bought Sabrina those encyclopaedias!

Zelda- Until you can prove to me that you can actually use this... monstrosity.

Hilda- I’m using it right now, I’m going to the store. Do you need anything?

Int. Westbridge High School classroom. Sabrina’s still on a role with the cheese-puffs. Three more students try them.

Sabrina- Cheese actually makes you appear taller.

Her sales pitch is interrupted by the arrival of Mr. Kraft.

Mr. Kraft- Okay, places brainbusters, this is not the food court at the mall.

Sabrina and her fellow contestants line up while Mr. Kraft pulls out his question cards.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Okay, the Dordogne river meets the sea at which port city in France, Sheldon?

Sheldon- Bordeaux

Mr. Kraft- Yes. The cluster of stars in the constellation Orion, Sabrina?

Sabrina- The seven sisters.

Mr. Kraft- Wrong!

He checks his card.

Mr. Kraft- (Disappointed) Oh correct. Define Newton’s theory of gravitational force, Perry?

Perry clutches his stomach and keels over sideways.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Yes. That’s what it is but I need it in words. Neanderthals lived in Europe during what period, Maggie?

Maggie winces and clutches at her own stomach.

Int. School hallway later. Paramedics wheel away the brain busters on gurneys with oxygen masks over their faces.

Paramedic- Look out! Coming through!

Sabrina watches on nervously as the only one who didn’t partake of Valerie’s cheese-puffs. Mr. Kraft follows them out.

Sabrina- Excuse me, I don’t mean to be an alarmist but shouldn’t we be wearing Haz-mat suits?

Mr. Kraft- It’s food poisoning, or should I say puff poisoning? They’re all going to be laid-up for at least a week thanks to you and your accomplice, Valerie, Sweeny Todd, Birkhead.

Sabrina- Valerie would never wish kidney failure on anyone!

Mr. Kraft- Well I’m not blaming Valerie, I’m blaming you! You’ve been trying to sabotage this competition because you know how important it is to my career. You don’t wanna see me make principle.

Sabrina- Well how ever true that statement is, I had nothing...

Mr. Kraft- (Interrupting) Ah-ah-ah! But it’s not going to work young lady and I am holding you responsible for having another team ready by Saturday... and if you don’t, you’re going to see my ugly side.

She stares after him as he walks off.

Sabrina- (To herself) You mean it gets uglier?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina making the round on the phone.

Sabrina- Yes I know it’s a tough competition Gordie... Yeah, it’s Saturday morning... Yeah I know we don’t have much time to prepare but I think it’ll be fun!... Hello?

She switches off the phone with a sigh.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Great, I’ve called everyone on the honour-roll, in the Science Club and all the students that wear glasses. Now what aunt Hilda?

Hilda- You know I’m sorry Sabrina, I’d love to help you but I’ve gotta go flip the mattresses.

Sabrina takes the cup of cocoa from the pallet before Hilda swings the stacker-truck round and heads for the stairs. It’ll take a special kind of magic to get it up them but that’s one of the up-sides of being a witch.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria.

Harvey and Valerie- (Together) No!

Sabrina- Oh come on! Valerie, you have to be a brainbuster. This whole nightmare can be traced back to your mixing bowl.

Valerie- I know, but a freeze under pressure, I get dizzy, I sweat profusely and I babble incoherently, much like I’m doing now.

Sabrina- Harvey, you have to do it, you’re my boyfriend.

Harvey- Huh! Sure you say that now. Wait till they ask me a question I don’t know. Then, all of a sudden, it’s ‘who brought the dumb guy?’

Sabrina- Look, I really need your help.

Valerie- Okay, okay, you guilted us into it, but don’t we need one more?

Sabrina- Unfortunately.

Int. School hallway.

Libby- You want me to do you a favour?

Sabrina- What’s the sudden fascination with pronouns?

Libby- I don’t know if you were recently hit in the head with an asteroid but the day that I do a freak a favour is...

Mr. Kraft- (Interrupting) Is everything okay here ladies?

Sabrina- We’re fine. Um Libby just volunteered to be a brainbuster but I don’t know if that’s a good idea?

Mr. Kraft- Well...

Libby- But I-I didn...

Mr. Kraft- ...I think it’s a splendid idea! If Libby wants to be on the team, then she’s on it.

He walks off pleased.

Sabrina- Darn it Libby, you get your way again! Ne-he-he!

She dumps a pile of text books into Libby’s stunned arms and walks off grinning.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda’s still having neighbour problems and comes in from the living room carrying another mangled piece of metal.

Zelda- Mr. Tobias responded to my reasonable and rational letter by doing this.

She places the hunk of iron on the table in front of Salem.

Salem- A hunk of metal? He shouldn’t have.

Zelda- No, it’s our mailbox.

She points at it to make her point and it un-crinkles itself back into a mailbox.

Salem- Well I have two words for Mr. Tobias. Water balloons, aimed at his house on the hour, every hour. I realise that’s more than two words.

Zelda- No Salem, I refuse to stoop to that Neanderthals level.

Sabrina hurries in.

Sabrina- Quick! I need a spell to help fill Harvey, Valerie and Libby’s brains with... well brains.

Zelda- Sabrina, you know spells to make people smarter are illegal.

Sabrina- Well it’s not that they’re stupid... except maybe Libby, it’s just that they lack confidence... except maybe Libby. Is there a spell that will help them tap into the knowledge that they already have?

Zelda- There’s a ‘find your full potential’ spell and it’s okay to use on mortals.

Salem- Witness Mark McGuire.

Sabrina- Perfect!

Zelda- But there’s a catch. You need your witches licence.

Sabrina- But I can’t get my stupid licence until I figure out the stupid family secret!

She stamps her foot in frustration as she heads for the stairs.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem’s sat at the window scoping out the enemy through his binoculars while Sabrina’s stretched out on the bed thumbing through the magic book looking for a solution to her problem.

Salem- I don’t believe it! Tobias is spying on us with a telescope. Some people have no moral compass.

Sabrina- Salem, you’ve gotta help me. I’ve gotta get my licence. Don’t you know anything about the families secret?

Salem- Oh Sabrina, do you know what you could do for me? Order this water-balloon catapult from Abercromby and Witch.

Sabrina- No! Isn’t there some distant relative that nobody ever talks about? You know, like the black sheep?

Salem- Hmm, well there is your aunt Dorma.

Sabrina- Dorma? I’ve never heard of her.

Salem- Hence the secret part. Yes! Tobias and the paper just headed into the loo. That should give me enough time to tepee his house.

He slips off while Sabrina looks through the witch directory for Dorma’s number. She then turns to her crystal ball and starts to wave her hands over it in a mystical sort of way.

Sabrina- Aunt Dorma, pick up your crystal ball and reverse the charges on this call.

Dorma- (OS) Who is this? I was sound asleep.

Sabrina- Oh it’s Sabrina Spellman, your niece. I’m sorry to bother you, I just wanted to ask you a question about the family secret.

Dorma- No one wakes up Dorma and gets away with it! You’ll rue the day you were ever...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Sorry! Wrong number!

She cuts her grumpy aunt off.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(To herself) Well I really hope her crystal ball doesn’t have star sixty-nine.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda and Hilda are cleaning vegetables the mortal way when Sabrina comes down stairs.

Sabrina- Is the family secret about aunt Dorma?

Hilda- Absolutely not! And don’t contact her, she sleeps for ten years at a time. Hgh! The last thing you’d ever want to do is wake her up.

Zelda- I did once and she turned me into a porch swing. Promise me you wont go back up to your room and call her.

Sabrina- I promise.

She, of course fails to mention that she already has.

Int. Westbridge High School classroom. The new brain-buster team is assembled and Mr. Kraft puts them through their paces.

Mr. Kraft- Okay, the first woman to be elected to both the house and the senate?

Sabrina- Oh that’s...

Mr. Kraft- (Interrupting) How about somebody else besides the queen of the lucky guesses? Anyone?

Valerie- Oh! Oh I know this one!

Mr. Kraft- Yes, Miss Birkhead?

Valerie- Oh don’t tell me. Um.

Mr. Kraft- Mr. Kinkle?

Harvey- Can I just drop and give you twenty?

Mr. Kraft- Libby?

Libby- I told you, I’m only here to field the fashion and hair questions.

Valerie- Oh! No... Just a second...

Mr. Kraft- The answer is Margaret Chase-Smith.

Valerie- Really? I didn’t know that.

Mr. Kraft- Well this is an unmitigated disaster. Miss Spellman, you will have plenty of time to think about what you have done to me in detention.

Sabrina- On no-no-no! It’ll be fine, I promise. All we need to do is have an all night cram session at my house.

She sound confident but feels less so when she looks at her fellow team members. Libby who’s touching up her make-up in her compact mirror, Valerie who’s gnawing her finger-nails down to the first knuckle and Harvey who’s showing all the intelligence of his ancestors in the way he’s eating his banana.

Sabrina- (Cont.) They just need to study a little.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina enters through the front door slipping off her coat.

Sabrina- (Calling out) Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda! I’m having some people over to study...

She’s hung up her coat and heads to the kitchen.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Do we have any...

She trips on something and falls flat on her face. Fortunately her pretty face is saved from gruesome disfigurement by Hilda’s soft sleeping form that’s spralled across the hallway. A bunch of flowers lies strewn across the floor also.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...Snacks? Aunt Hilda, are you alright? Aunt Hilda?

She gives her aunt a shake but gets no response other than a snore.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Come on, wake up! Rise and shine. Look, a garage sale!

Still no response. She picks up the discarded flowers.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Poppies?

She takes the card from them.

Sabrina- (Cont.) They’re for me, from aunt Dorma. Something tells me this is not the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters carrying the flowers and finds Zelda an the phone.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, we’ve got a huge problem!

Zelda- Poppies!

Her eyes roll up in their sockets and she keels over. Sabrina manages to catch her before she hits the ground.

Sabrina- Whoa! What’s happening?!

Salem- Where did ya get those flowers? Other Realm poppies are lethal to Spellman’s.

Sabrina- Aunt Dorma!

Salem- You didn’t wake her up did ya?

Sabrina- Yes I woke her up. Now help me get aunt Zelda to the couch.

Salem- Sure, I’ll grab her shoe.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina struggles dragging her aunt through the dining room to the settee.

Sabrina- Ough! I just wanted some people over to study. A few minutes ago my biggest worry was that we didn’t have enough pizza rolls, now it’s my crazy aunts and a bunch of...

She notices a certain change to the living room. It’s been completely redecorated with...

Sabrina- (Cont.) Poppies!

They’re everywhere. Woven into the stair banister, on all the furniture, hanging from the walls and covering the carpet.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ve gotta get rid of them!

She dumps Zelda next to Hilda and casts a quick spell to clear the house of poppies but when she points her finger all that comes from it is more poppies.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh-no! Dorma must have put a spell on my finger so I can’t zap the poppies away. What am I gonna do?!

The door bell rings.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Of course! Wait two seconds for things to get even worse.

She answers the door but only opens it wide enough to peer through the gap. It’s her study-buddies.

Sabrina- We don’t want any cookies, religious reasons.

Libby- Do you mind? We’re supposed to be studying, not standing out here on your door-matt. Which, by the way, feels cheap.

Sabrina- Oh well you’ll have to go round back. The door is stuck and this is as far as I can get it open.

Valerie- Well I’ve got an idea. Why don’t the three of us all push on it...

Sabrina shuts the door on them before anyone can push.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The poppies have spread into their also. Salem is on the phone to their neighbour.

Salem- You want a war Tobias, you got one. Just put your head between your legs and kiss your sweet...

Sabrina enters and switches off the phone.

Salem- Hey! You know, I don’t hang up the phone on you when you’re threatening complete strangers.

Sabrina- Salem, you’ve gotta help me. What else do you remember about the poison poppy spells.

Salem- Let’s see, from what I remember, you have to remove the poppies from the house or everyone affected by them will sleep for eternity while their minds and bodies rot slowly into nothingness.

Sabrina- But I can’t! Every time I try, my finger just makes more poppies.

Salem- Mmm, that’s a twist, but if you can keep Hilda and Zelda moving you can delay the decaying process.

Sabrina yawns.

Sabrina- And how am I supposed to do that? Wait a second! I’m falling asleep too!

Salem- Don’t worry, you’re half mortal. They’ll probably just make you drowsy for a few hundred years.

Sabrina- Oh good, I was afraid it was something serious.

There’s a knock at the back door. She turns to see her chums stood looking in hopefully.

Libby- (Calling through the door) Sabrina, I can’t believe I’m saying this. Let me into your house.

She walks across the carpet of poppies and opens the door letting them in.

Harvey- What’s with all the poppies?

Sabrina- Our greenhouse broke.

Valerie- You have a greenhouse?

Sabrina- Did you guys come over to study or to ask questions?

Libby- We certainly didn't come here to socialise. Can we please go into the living room and get this over with?

Sabrina- Oh. No er we can’t go in there. The-The pipes burst and the place is flooded.

As she talks she points towards the living room and water flows under the door. Her magic works fine as long as she doesn’t try to use it to get rid of the poppies.

Libby- Oh, I think I speak for all of us. Ew!

Sabrina- Why don’t you guys just stay here and start studying and I’ll be back before you can say rampant mildew.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina trudges through the poppy field carefully stepping over her snoring aunts.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, I’ve gotta keep aunt Hilda and aunt Zelda moving. Um, to keep my aunts from spending an eternity in bed, make them act out what’s currently going through their heads.

She uses her finger to activate her spell and her aunts jump to their feet. Hilda starts to dance to music only she can hear.

Hilda- (To Herself) Finally, I got past the doorman at studio fifty-four.

While Zelda lays herself across the back of the settee and starts doing a strong breast-stroke.

Zelda- (To herself) Almost across the channel! I can see Calais.

Sabrina- This is what they dream of? It’s a wonder I turned out normal at all.

She Yawns and sits down in the armchair.

Sabrina- (To herself) Now what was I doing?

She leaps back to her feet shaking off the drowsiness.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Right!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Text books are spread over the poppies that are spread over the table as Valerie, Harvey and Libby study. Sabrina enters.

Valerie- Hey Sabrina, we need your help.

Sabrina- Maybe you guys should spend less time talking and more time studying.

She heads for the stairs.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem’s water-balloon catapult has arrived and he’s by the window trying it out. It fires.

Salem- Take that Tobias!

There’s the sound of breaking glass as Sabrina enters stifling another yawn.

Salem- Ooh! Stained glass window. Expensive.

Sabrina- Salem, what are you doing? Why aren’t you helping me?

Salem- Bigger fish to fry. Isn’t she a beaut? Zelda was asleep so I borrowed her credit card.

She picks up the magic book and carries it over to her bed.

Sabrina- There’s got to be something in here about getting rid of poppies. Let’s see. (Reading) ‘Paprika, uses of’. No <Yawn> ‘Pod people, Humour of’. No.

As she reads her head slips lower and lower until it rests against the page. Her eyes close as she begins to drift. There’s a twang and a splat and she’s rudely awakened with a wet butt.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Salem!

Salem- Don’t hate me! I only did it because I love you.

But Sabrina’s already forgotten about it having spotted something in the magic book.

Sabrina- Ah! Here it is. (Reading) ‘Poppy clean up. Press here for fast, efficient, friendly service.’ Finally, something easy.

She presses the page.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina stands watching the clean up crew at work. The Shepherd guards his flock of goats as they nibble at the flowers. Except for the one that Hilda is dancing with.

Sabrina- Can’t they eat any faster?

Shepherd- Oh yeah, well we just came from a job at a garbage dump and they’re kinda full.

Sabrina stifles a yawn as the door opens and Mr. Kraft lets himself in without so much as a knock.

Mr. Kraft- Sabrina!...

He takes in the scene

Sabrina- Mr. Kraft! What are you doing here?

Mr. Kraft- Well I just came by to make sure you were studying. Why do I feel like I’ve just walked into the middle of-of a Felini film?

Hilda- (To Goat) You are a wonderful dancer Mr. Wharhole.

Zelda- Where are my notes? I’ve gotta give a lecture in ten minutes!

Mr. Kraft- Zelda!

Sabrina- Oh, er don’t mind her, she’s just experiencing a bit of dementia.

Zelda- All that research! And for what?

Mr. Kraft- Oh I understand, this is one of your experiments.

Zelda- My pants! My pants! Where are my pants?

Mr. Kraft takes her by the arm and looks into her eyes.

Mr. Kraft- You are wearing them. You know, you really are over-working yourself. Now my advice to you; start taking care of Zelda.

Sabrina- Great suggestion. Okay, well we’ve got to get back to studying now. Er thanks for coming by.

She pulls Mr. Kraft towards the door.

Ext. Spellman front porch. Sabrina sees Mr. Kraft out.

Salem- (OS) Take that Tobias!

A water-balloon splats beside Mr. Kraft’s head, another hits him on the shoulder. With a scream he covers his head and runs away.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina leans back against the door and covers her mouth with her hand as another huge yawn grips her.

Harvey- (OS) Sabrina, is it okay to come out now?

Sabrina- Harvey, no! Er you’ll ruin your shoes.

The shepherd puts his fingers to his lips and whistles.

Shepherd- Okay boys, take five.

Sabrina looks at him questioningly with her mouth hanging open as the goats stop eating.

Shepherd- It’s a union thing.

Sabrina- You know, just get the goats outa here and I’ll get rid of the poppies myself.

She dashes off to the kitchen.

Shepherd- And people wonder why shepherds are loaners.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters just in time to stop Harvey coming into the living room to see what’s keeping her.

Sabrina- Hey! What’s goin’ on?

Harvey- We heard some strange noises in there. It sounded like goats?

Sabrina- Goats? Ha-ha. You guys have been studying too long.

Shepherd- (OS) Come on goats! It’s time to go home.

Sabrina- So, how’s the studying going?

Libby- Miserably.

Valerie- Will you help us?

Sabrina- You don’t need me. You’ve got everything you need, your smart new books.

Valerie- So you’re not gonna help us.

Sabrina- I would but I just have more work to do. You know, mostly moping... but don’t leave this room.

She leaves the room, in fact the house, through the back door.

Libby- I despise this house.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina’s found just the thing for moving tons of poppies.

Sabrina- (To Herself) I can’t believe this, I’m drowsy and I’m operating heavy machinery.

‘It’s all been done’ by Barenaked Ladies playes through the following.

Sabrina guides the stacker-tuck with it’s pallet loaded with flowers around the furniture. The comes back again in reverse with a big yawn. As the forks lift the next load she doesn’t see Hilda dancing across her path until the last second. Slamming on the breaks she dumps the lot over her aunt.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina throws the last of the poppies from the table into her wheelbarrow and smiles at her friends as she takes them out.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina’s found a summer use for their snow shovel as more poppies go into the newly restored trash-can. Zelda, sitting on the arm of the settee happily pulls them all out again after each shovel full.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina staggers in yawning, heads for the coffee percolator and throws back another mug full of caffeine.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. A fresh use for Salem’s water-balloon catapult. She loads it up with poppies and Salem fires them out through the window. But the prevailing winds throw them straight back in.

The music fades as Sabrina comes down stairs into a poppy free living room.

Sabrina- (To herself) Ah, I beat you aunt Dorma. I won.

But not for long. Poppies appear everywhere. twice as many as before but at least Sabrina can take a joke. She starts laughing hysterically.

Sabrina- (Cont.) The poppies are back! I stayed up all night and the poppies are back!

She doubles over with laughter as her three, equally tired, team mates enter.

Valerie- Sabrina? It’s me, Valerie. Are you okay?

Sabrina- Valerie, hi! Oh and Libby’s here. I wonder if Libby’s ticklish. Libby, are you ticklish?

She grabs at Libby’s waist with tickling fingers but Libby pushes her off.

Harvey- Poor thing, she must be exhausted from cleaning up all night.

Libby- Well she didn’t do a very good job, it still smells like mildew.

Valerie- She can’t go to the competition in this condition.

Sabrina- (Laughing) I can so! Actually, I can’t sew, but I can knit.

Harvey- We’d better get her into my car. Maybe she’ll perk up on the ride to school.

He takes Sabrina by the arms and guides her towards the door. She gestures laughing at the poppy covered room having completely lost it. Valerie opens the door.

Valerie- Wow, It’s freezing out there. Hey Libby, Grab her coat will ya?

Libby trudges through the poppy field to the closet and opens the door only to find two blonde women dancing inside. She screams and shuts the door quickly.

Int. Westbridge High School. Gym. The stage is set for the brain busters competition between Westbridge High and Paul Revere High. Mr. Kraft is the questionmaster and settles the packed audience down.

Mr. Kraft- Welcome everyone to nineteen ninety-nine All City Brainbusters Championship.

Sabrina whoops with joy and claps her hands excitedly totally ignoring the glare she gets from Mr. Kraft and the worried looks of her team mates.

Harvey- Are you sure you can do this?

Sabrina- Positively, no problemo. (To Mr. Kraft) Fire those questions at me, Willard.

Mr. Kraft- The first round will begin in just a minute.

Sabrina hits her buzzer.

Sabrina- Eighteen twelve!

He slips over to their table.

Mr. Kraft- What’s going on here?

Valerie- Oh I’m sorry, Sabrina’s just a little punchy from being up all night.

Sabrina- Rogers and Hart! Er oh! To get to the other side!

Mr. Kraft- Put duct-tape over her mouth if you have to but keep her quiet.

Sabrina finds that idea hysterically funny.

Later.

Mr. Kraft- All right Westbridge, what is Newton’s third law of motion?

As quick as a flash Sabrina hits her buzzer.

Sabrina- I don’t know that.

She stares out at the audience with a smile on her face before her head slumps forward onto her arms. The Paul Revere team laugh at her antics and the fact that it makes the score ten nil to them.

Later.

Mr. Kraft- Westbridge, the capital of Madagascar is?

The sleeping Sabrina suddenly jerks upright and slaps the buzzer.

Sabrina- Snow!

Mr. Kraft- <Sigh> Incorrect.

Sabrina- No I’m not! Snow will get rid of poppies. Why didn’t I think of it before? It’s like the Wizard of Oz. To save my aunts from terrible rot, send snow to my house and make sure it’s a lot.

She waves her finger and slumps back down across the table.

Int. Spellman living room. The steadily falling snow has the desired effect. Hilda and Zelda awake and look around at the poppy field in their living room slowly being blanketed by snow, then look at each other and shrug.

Int. Westbridge High School Gym.

Mr. Kraft- The score is Revere fifty; Westbridge... bopkiss. Next question Westbridge. What is the highest peak in North America?

Libby- (Aside to Harvey and Valerie) Great! I guess it’s up to us now the Freak Van Winkle’s out cold.

Harvey- Valerie, you answer it.

Valerie- Me? No way, you answer it.

Harvey- No way!

Mr. Kraft- Westbridge, we are waiting. What is the highest peak in North America?

Harvey gives Valerie a jab in the arm and jerks his head for her to answer.

Valerie- Er...

She presses the buzzer.

Valerie- (Cont.) Mount McKinley?

Mr. Kraft- My lord, that’s right! Ten points to Westbridge!

A huge round of applause welcomes there first points and they’re not their last.

Later. Their scores risen to forty when Harvey presses the buzzer.

Harvey- I don’t even know if I’m saying this right. Is it the Pythagorean Theorem?

Mr. Kraft- (Excited) Oh it is! And that another four points to Westbridge. (Calming down) And the moderator is neutral of course.

Later. Libby gets in on the act by pressing her buzzer.

Libby- The Pyrenees mountain range extends from the Bay of Bisque to the Mediterranean Sea.

Mr. Kraft- It certainly does!

Libby- Yes!

She high five’s with Harvey over the back of the unconscious Sabrina.

Later. The scores stand level at ninety-nine points each as Mr. Kraft turns once more to the Westbridge team.

Mr. Kraft- Right, this is your last question Westbridge, for the game.

The nerves are showing on both teams. The geeks of Revere clasp their hands together in prayer that Westbridge get it wrong.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) What country is the largest producer of soy bean?

Sabrina’s head shoots up.

Sabrina- I know it...

Harvey hand clamps firmly across her mouth, silencing whatever she was about to say while his free hand hits the buzzer.

Harvey- America!

Mr. Kraft- You are correct. Westbridge wins!

A loud cheer from the partisan audience greets the news and Mr. Kraft sportingly shakes the hands of the losing team.

Harvey- I can’t believe it! Studying actually works! Sorry about that Sabrina, I just couldn’t risk it. What were you gonna say?

Sabrina- You’ve got a pretty mouth.

She leans forward to kiss him but ends up slumped in his lap as Mr. Kraft arrives with the large gold trophy. Libby goes to take it from him but he snatches it away.

Mr. Kraft- Libby! No, you can come by my house and see it any time you want. Just call first. I won! I won! (Singing) I’m gonna be principle in ten or fifteen years! Ha-ha!

He dashes off as Libby gets to her feet.

Libby- Nobody takes a trophy away from me!

She dashes after him.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda are hard at work with the snow-shovels and have nearly cleared the big drift where the settee used to be. Valerie enters and holds the door for Harvey who’s carrying Sabrina in his arms. Libby carries the trophy.

Zelda- Oh my goodness, is she all right?

Harvey- She’s fine, just exhausted.

Valerie- What a night. Between helping us study and the flood in your living room... which is now covered in snow...?

Hilda- I got a toboggan for my birthday and I couldn’t wait to try it.

Harvey lays Sabrina down on the settee.

Libby- Freak begets freak.

Harvey- When she wakes up will you tell her that we won the brainbusters?

Valerie- Yeah, she convinced us to study. This trophy belongs to her.

She tries to take it from Libby. Easier to prise a limpet from a ships hull but Libby eventually relinquishes her grip with a glare. Valerie places the cup beside Sabrina.

Harvey- You know Sabrina, one crazy idea after another.

Her aunts just smile understandingly as they leave.

Later. Sabrina is still in the land of nod when there is a knock at the door. It’s wedged open by a small snow drift so the knocker sticks his head in. It’s a cop.

Policeman- Is there a Zelda Spellman at this residence?

He looks around at the deep pristine snow.

Zelda- Yes, may I help you?

Policeman- You’re under arrest for making threatening phone calls to your neighbour and breaking all of his windows with water-balloons.

Salem makes himself very small on the sideboard.

Zelda- But-but-but-but I’ve been asleep for the last twelve hours!

Policeman- You might wanna work on that alibi.

He takes her away by the arm.

Zelda- Somebody’s gonna regret this.

Salem- (To Hilda) I think she was talking to you.

Int. Spellman kitchen. No she was talking to Salem. Sabrina and Zelda sit at the table while Salem gets into some serious hard labour.

Zelda- Breaktimes over, Salem.

Salem- Please. <Sob!> Don’t make me scrub anymore toilets! I keep falling in. <Sob!>

Hilda enters with company... on a lead.

Hilda- Sabrina, this is your aunt Dorma.

Sabrina- You really are a black sheep! So are you here for a social visit or to poison us in person?

Run Credits.

Dorma- To apologise and thank you for waking me up. I left my oven on and if it weren’t for you my house would have caught on fire.

Hilda- And as a way of saying she’s sorry we’re getting a lifetime supply of mittens.

Sabrina- Oh and how about a clue to the family secret?

Dorma- Certainly, what are barn animal relatives for?

She flaps her ears and the room is filled with exotic birds.

Sabrina- Birds? It’s bad enough trying to figure out these clues. Nobody said anything about having to clean up after them. Oh Sa-lem.

Salem- <Sob! Sob!>