Whose So-Called Life Is It Anyway?

Int. Spellman living room. Salem sits in total concentration wearing a paint spattered smock and beret. He hums a tune to himself as he deftly balances a pallet in one paw and strokes the brush across the canvas with the other. Sabrina comes up behind him impressed.

Sabrina- Hey Salem, when did you start painting?

Salem- When no-one would read my screenplay. I need a creative outlet.

Sabrina- Well my background in this area is pretty much limited to spin-art but I like what I see.

The picture he’s painting is clearly a portrait of Hilda. Only her mouth lies at forty degrees, one eye is three times larger than the other, her left ear looks like a teapot handle and she has no nose.

Salem- Well let’s not forget my model, she deserves some of the credit.

Sabrina looks over at where Hilda is posing. Her mouth lies at forty degrees, one eye is three times larger than the other and her left ear looks like a teapot handle.

Hilda- Do you mind if I put my nose back? I’ve gotta sneeze.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda is reading one of the Other Realm magazines and Salem is taking a break from his artistic bent.

Salem- Ah! You can read a magazine but you didn’t have time to read my screenplay.

Zelda- I got through volumes one and two but then it seamed to drift.

Hilda enters.

Zelda- (Cont.) This is ‘Enchanted By’, the magazine for witches.

Hilda- Anything in there about dating mortals?

Zelda- You’ll do anything to work the fact that you’re dating someone into the conversation.

Hilda- That’s not true.

Sabrina comes down stairs in a rush.

Sabrina- Has anyone seen my book-bag?

Hilda- The guy I’m dating has books.

The bag is lying beside the counter and Sabrina grabs it.

Zelda- Sabrina, I want you to check out this months ‘Enchanted By’. There happen to be some very edifying articles.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Nose wart’s, how to hide them’. Oh good, it’s got pictures!

Hilda- The guy I’m dating has... a nose.

They look at her with raised eyebrows.

Hilda- (Cont.) Okay.

Zelda- (To Sabrina) I want you to read the bulletin from the Witches Council.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘They’re advising witches under the age of twenty-one to refrain from charitable magic.’ Phew! Relieved of the burden of helping others.

Zelda- Charitable magic can have disastrous long term consequences. For instance the teenage witch at Ohio who zapped away her best-friends acne.

Sabrina- How thoughtful.

Zelda- Seemed that way but as it turns out her best friend was one day going to discover a cure for acne. So now, no cure.

Hilda- And now, instead of being a scientist, she’ll be a smooth faced wine-o.

Sabrina- Okay, I’ll add that to my list of ten thousand other witch rules I’m supposed to follow.

Zelda places Salem’s breakfast in front of him in its usual ‘Salem’ cat-dish.

Salem- Do you mind terribly if I ask for that in a crystal bowl? As an artist I’m sensitive about these things.

Sabrina- Allow me.

She points at the bowl and is a swirl of sparkles it transforms into a cut-glass crystal, long stemmed dessert-bowl.

Salem- Ow! Gratsia.

Zelda- Sabrina, that was charitable. You didn’t listen to a word I said.

Sabrina- Oh come on, Salem’s not going to accomplish anything in his life.

Salem- I’m still way ahead of half the Kennedy children.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Harvey’s having problems with his locker as Sabrina comes by.

Sabrina- Harvey, you’re going to be late for chemistry. What are you doing?

He has one foot braced against the wall and pulls with all his strength on the locker-door handle. It’s well and truly jammed solid.

Harvey- Trying to open my locker. Do you think my gym-shoes could be causing a vacuum?

He gets back to tugging.

Sabrina- (Thinking) I know I’m not supposed to do this but a seriously doubt there’s a Nobel prize in Harvey’s future.

She does with just one finger what Harvey had been unable to do with all the strength in his fit, young, male body. The locker flies open landing Harvey on his butt.

Sabrina- Whoa! Somebody’s been working-out.

She gives Harvey a hand up as Valerie arrives.

Valerie- Sabrina, I’ve gotta ask you something.

She pulls her friend away but they are trailed by Libby.

Libby- If it’s about your hair, yes it does look like a woodland creatures home.

Valerie- Oh yeah! Well I... didn’t really have time to fix it this morning.

Sabrina- Y’know Libby, speaking of hair, how’s your chronic lice problem?

Passing students stop and look at Libby shocked at hearing about this.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I mean you should be charging those little fella’s rent.

Libby storms of in a huff having no ready come-back. Sabrina and Valerie chuckle after her.

Valerie- That was great Sabrina. Look, I hate to put you in the embarrassing position of having to say no, but my moms always on to me about having a friend over for dinner and I’ve been putting it off for thirteen years, but she’s like a dog with a bone.

Sabrina- Val, stop being so insecure. I’d love to come over.

Valerie- Really? Tonight is charades night at the Birkhead house.

Sabrina- It sounds like fun. It beats throw out the fuzzy-food night at my house.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem is surrounded by his masterpieces. About a dozen of them.

Salem- (To himself) You know, painting has opened up a whole new world for me. My soul is soaring. Now how can I use this God given talent for material gain? I know, all I need is a human.

Hilda comes down the stairs.

Salem- (Cont.) Close enough.

Hilda- It smells like turpentine in here, did you order out from that cheep sushi place again?

Salem- Hildie, do me a favour and take these paintings down to that hip, new gallery in town. You know, the one with all the drift-wood art.

Hilda- I can’t, Brock’s picking me up for a date any minute. Besides, no gallery would ever buy paintings done by a cat.

Salem- How about if you tell them you’re the painter? We’ll split the commission right down the middle. Eighty/twenty.

The doorbell rings.

Hilda- I don’t like your paintings, they’re creepy. Why don’t you paint something pretty on velvet?

The door has been answered by Zelda.

Zelda- Hilda! Brock’s here.

Hilda rushes to the door.

Zelda- (Cont.) Who ordered sushi?

She heads back into the kitchen as Hilda’s boyfriend Brock enters. A tall, dark, suave, business man type.

Brock- Hi Hilda.

Hilda- Hi.

They kiss hello.

Brock- I say! Who’s the artist in the family? These paintings are remarkable.

Hilda- Oh it’s really just a hobby.

Salem- (Thinking) Oh yeah!

Int. Birkhead dining room. The Birkhead’s, comprising mom, dad, Little brother Warren and Valerie entertain their guest over dinner.

Mr. Birkhead- So you see Sabrina, being a safety inspector boils down to this. People pay me to do their worrying for them.

Sabrina- Wow! Do you get a bonus for panicking?

Mr. Birkhead doesn’t see the joke.

Mr. Birkhead- By the way Warren, I picked this up for you on the way home.

Sabrina- Great bicycle helmet.

Warren- Oh, no we wear them in the car.

Valerie- (Aside to Sabrina) Twenty bucks keeps that information inside these walls?

Mrs. Birkhead- Have some chopped-beets Sabrina.

She doesn’t get a chance to say no thanks. A large pile of them are dumped on her plate.

Valerie- Moms a nutritionist. Everything we eat is healthy. (Aside) I never said being my friend would be easy.

Sabrina- Don’t worry, I can make almost anything disappear.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem is looking for inspiration for his next painting when a plate of chopped-beets materialises in front of him.

Salem- What a beautiful shade of red. I could use that colour to create a masterpiece. Nah, I’ll just eat it.

Int. Birkhead dining room.

Mrs. Birkhead- Twenty-six. Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. Now you may swallow.

Warren gratefully swallows his well masticated food.

Sabrina- Hey look! A wish-bone.

Warren- I once choked on a ham-bone.

Valerie- (Under her breath) Shut-up. Shut-up. Shut-up.

Sabrina- (To mom) Why don’t you and Mr. Birkhead make a wish?

Mrs. Birkhead- No thank you, we’re not the whimsical sort.

Sabrina- Come on, live a little.

Mr. Birkhead- Well, all right then but everyone shield your eyes. There may be bone shards.

Sabrina- (Thinking) I guess this is sort of charity but I’m so bored. (Aloud) Make a good wish.

They cover their eyes and each pull a leg of the bone.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Their lives are so dry, here’s what we’ll do. Take whatever they wish and make it come true.

She uses the cover of covering her eyes to point activating her incantation. The wish-bone snaps.

Valerie- Okay, who want’s, or is willing to try rhubarb-pie?

Sabrina- Yummy.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem is still hard at work on his painting when suddenly there’s pie.

Salem- Eh! Looks like pie. I don’t...

He sniffs at it.

Salem- (Cont.) It smells terrible... Bad colours... I don’t like the look of... I wont eat this... I refuse to eat... <Chomp-munch-gobble!>

Int. Birkhead living room. Valerie’s up at charades.

Mr. Birkhead- Strong... Round?

Sabrina- Oh I’ve got it! ‘The effect of gamma rays on man-in-the-moon marigolds.’

Valerie- Wow! I couldn’t even get ‘Little Women’ I’m such a loser.

Mum looks at her daughter sadly.

Mr. Birkhead- Okay, yhat makes the final charades score; Sabrina eighteen; everyone else two.

Sabrina- Well er I really better get going. I’m really tired and no wonder it’s...

She looks at the clock on the mantelpiece.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Eight-fifteen.

Valerie- This is the latest anyone has ever stayed, including blood-relatives. Thank you.

Mrs. Birkhead- It was nice to see you Sabrina.

Sabrina- Dinner was terrific and thanks for the recipe. That lima-bean loaf really did taste like tofu.

Valerie- (Aside to Sabrina) You’d better leave before she tries to put some in a sack for you.

Sabrina- Gotta go.

Mrs. Birkhead shows Sabrina out.

Mrs. Birkhead- You really livened up our evening Sabrina. In fact that’s what I wished for. That our Valerie would be happier and more up-beat like you.

Sabrina smiles to herself pleased with the compliment.

Sabrina- (Thinking) A happier Valerie? What could be wrong with that?

She waves and leaves.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The next morning. A happy and up-beat Hilda comes in to find Salem waiting on the table.

Salem- So! What happened at the gallery?

Hilda- They bought all the paintings.

Salem- Yes!

Hilda- And they want to have an exhibition of your work. I mean our work. I mean my work. Don’t you wanna hear about my date last night?

Salem- No. Let’s see the money.

Hilda- Here.

She empties a pile of notes onto the table from her purse.

Hilda- (Cont.) Why’d you want it all in singles?

Salem- So I can do this.

He rolls about in the money tossing notes about him.

Salem- (Cont.) I’m rich! Rich I tell you!

Hilda- Salem, it’s only a few hundred dollars.

Salem- I’m well off! Well off I tell you!

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Valerie bounces in and finds Sabrina.

Valerie- Hey Sabrina, that was really fun last night. For the first time in years I didn’t have my ‘Naked in the Superdome’ dream.

Sabrina- Well I’m glad you’re in a good mood.

Valerie- Yeah, I just feel different for some reason.

Libby comes up for her daily snipe at the girls.

Libby- I’d like to thank the two of you for always travelling together, it helps me insult you that much more efficiently.

Sabrina- Libby, you’d better run along. Aren’t you late for your...

Valerie- (Interrupting) Future bitter divorcees of America meeting?

Libby- My worst nightmare. Freaks in sense-around.

She walks off.

Valerie- That felt great. Well better get to algebra two.

She leaves.

Sabrina- (To herself) She is more up-beat. Man, I’m good.

Int. Algebra class.

Mrs. Quick- (Reading) ‘A twenty-five foot ladder is leaning against a garage. It’s base is twelve feet from the wall. How high up does the ladder reach?’

The students scribble and calculate furiously and Sabrina raises her arm first.

Sabrina- Oh! I know, the ladder is er...

Valerie- (Interrupting) Twenty-one point nine feet high.

Sabrina looks across at her friend.

Mrs. Quick- Why Valerie, that’s another one right. Either you’ve been studying or... (Aside to Sabrina) Have I been mouthing the answers again?

Sabrina- No, Valerie’s just becoming more like... a person who’s good at math.

Int. School library. Sabrina finds Harvey amongst the shelves.

Sabrina- So, do you notice anything different about Valerie lately?

Harvey- Now that you mention it, she seems a lot more happy and relaxed, like you.

Sabrina- Oh well you mean that she reminds you of me right? Not that she’s actually becoming like me?

Harvey- Guys don’t struggle with issues like that.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina follows Harvey out of the library just as Valerie rushes by.

Sabrina- Valerie, wait!

Valerie- I can’t, I signed up to help with Spanish tutoring.

Sabrina- Me too. Since when did you speak Spanish?

Valerie- Y no say. That’s Spanish you know.

Sabrina- Oh look Valerie...

Valerie- (Simultaneously) Oh look Sabrina...

Sabrina & Valerie- (Together) You first... I guess... STOP!

Valerie- That’s so weird! It’s like we have the same brain or something. Oh man, I’m late. Gotta go.

Sabrina stares after her thinking ‘Hey! That’s my line!’

Int. Birkhead living room. Mrs. Birkhead answers the door.

Mrs. Birkhead- Oh Sabrina.

Sabrina- Hi Mrs. Birkhead, I was just on my way to Science Club and I...

Mrs. Birkhead- (Interrupting) Oh Valerie said she’s gonna join that club.

Sabrina- Oh well there’s a surprise. Anyway um I was just wondering about the wish you made the other night on the wish-bone. Do you remember your exact words?

Mrs. Birkhead- I said. ‘I wish our Valerie could be just like Sabrina’

Sabrina- Just like me?

Mrs. Birkhead- U-hu. Let me go and get Valerie.

She leaves.

Sabrina- (To herself) Try to stay calm. It’d be so unusual for a spell to backfire on me.

Valerie arrives wearing a nice powder-blue top and black, stretch pants. The only problem is they’re identical to the ones Sabrina’s wearing.

Valerie- Hey Sabrina.

Sabrina- And they say no-one bats a thousand.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina’s plumped for a simple black dress today with a matching black choker and surprise surprise so has Valerie who’s also bleached her hair to the same shade as Sabrina’s. In fact the same length and style too.

Sabrina- Valerie! Your hair looks just like mine!

Valerie- I was just going to say the same thing to you.

Harvey comes in half asleep.

Harvey- Good morning sweetheart.

He gives the cute blonde a peck on the cheek. Unfortunately the wrong blonde.

Valerie- Hey, I could get used to that.

She leaves with both Sabrina and Harvey staring after her.

Sabrina- Harvey, did you just do what I think you did?

Harvey- You mean kiss Valerie? But I kiss everyone, it’s my Italian blood.

He grabs the nearest student.

Harvey- (Cont.) Bizone!

And kisses him on both cheeks before hurrying away with his hand to his forehead.

Sabrina- (Calling after) You’re Silvanian!

Int. Spellman living room. Salem once again sits before his easel and is joined by a grinning, happy Hilda.

Hilda- Hi, I just got off the phone with Brock. He asked me out on another date.

Salem- I’ll get in touch with the people at Rippley’s

Hilda- You know, I really think Brock might be the one. I mean there’s no posing, there’s no pretence, just a totally honest relationship.

Salem- So you told him you’re a witch?

Hilda- Of course not. Oh by the way, the gallery called. They wanna pick up some more of my paintings. Brock’s so impressed.

Salem- Fine, but I should inform you that my style has evolved. I know work with found objects. Old bicycle innertubes, sea-shells, bio-waste and incorporate them into my art.

Hilda- Sound awful. I’m gonna be famous.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. She searches her faithful magic book for a solution as her faithful pet cat takes a break from his brushes.

Sabrina- Here we go. (Reading) ‘Wish-bone spells. See Saunders, Colonel. page three hundred and eighty-seven.

She turns to that page.

Sabrina- (Cont.) What! Salem, there’s paint all over the page I need. Do you have any idea why?

Salem- yeah, I’ve been cleaning my brushes on it. I heard that Liechtenstein cleaned his with Perrier and hundred dollar bills.

Sabrina- Thanks a lot! I granted Mrs. Birkhead’s wish that Valerie would be like me.

Salem- Not just like you?

Sabrina- Would we be having this conversation if I had left it vague?

Salem- This is bad. Pretty soon there’ll be two Sabrina’s and Valerie will disappear forever.

Sabrina- How can I phrase this in a way that’ll capture the spirit of the moment? HELP!

She flops back on her bed but Salem has the answer.

Salem- Here’s what you do. Move to the Pacific north-west and live out your days under an assumed name. I recommend Agnes.

Well it’s an answer if perhaps not the answer.

Sabrina- Salem, you’re useless.

Salem- I’m an artist, not a logician.

Sabrina- There’s gotta be a way around this. Hey! If Valerie’s acting like me, all I have to do is start acting like she used to act before she started acting like me. Then she’ll start acting like her old self and stop acting like me, get it?

Salem- Would this be a bad time to tell you you’re sitting on paint?

Sabrina jumps up and check her bottom.

Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Mary Kate and Ashley are sat eating yoghurt.

Valerie- I have an idea. Have you ever thought about dyeing your hair brown?

Sabrina- Like it would make a difference. I just know I’m gonna flunk next weeks history test. I’m afraid the Science Club want to kick me out and I’m pretty sure I’m the most unpopular girl in school.

Valerie- Really?

Sabrina- (Thinking) Great! It’s working.

Valerie- Well then I have to cheer you up because life is great and you’re great.

Sabrina- (Thinking) Jeez! Am I really that obnoxious?

Valerie- Let's have dinner at my house tonight. I know that my aunts would love to see you.

Sabrina- Your aunts?!

Valerie- Oops, I meant parents. I wont take no for an answer. See you tonight.

She leaves.

Sabrina- (To herself) I know this can work, I just have to be twice as insecure. It’s times like this I hate coming from a loving environment.

Int. Birkhead dining room. Once again the Birkhead’s entertain and feed Sabrina.

Sabrina- I just know I’m not going to get into college and I-I’d bet anything Harvey’s gonna break up with me and the economic instability in Russia’s really effecting my sleep.

Valerie- You will get into college, Harvey wont break up with you and Russia probably will collapse but we don’t live there.

Mrs. Birkhead- Valerie has taught us so much with her new up-beat attitude.

Mr. Birkhead- It’s like when I was looking over these plans for a new bridge at work, I realised that when I say not safe for humans, I’m like a broken record.

Mrs. Birkhead- Everyone hungry? We’ve got fried-chicken, onion-rings, fat-back and cracklin’

Valerie- Mom bought the new Elvis recipe book.

Warren- After dinner, can I go run with scissors again?

Sabrina- (Thinking) This is gonna be harder than I thought.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda comes in taking off her coat.

Hilda- Salem, I’ve got bad news. I just got back from the gallery and your latest paintings bombed.

Salem- Oh-no!

Hilda- But the good news is... I’ve still got a date with Brock. He really likes the way I handle set-backs. See ya.

She heads for the kitchen.

Salem- (To himself) Fame, you are a fickle mistress. Well I still have my art and that’s what’s important. I do this because I love painting, not to get rich... <Sob!> Who am I kidding? I just made a down-payment on a mail-order bride. <Sob! Sob!>

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Valerie comes round the corner in a silky, dark blue floral pattern dress.

Student #1- Hi Sabrina.

Valerie- Hey.

Student #2- Hey Sabrina.

Sabrina enters the hallway dressed identically and overhears. She quickly hides nearby

Valerie- You know I’m thinking of changing my name to Sabrina. I mean after all, that’s what everyone calls me. Sabrina Birkhead. No-no-no. Sabrina Sirkhead. It sounds better with somethin’ that begins with an ‘S’ wouldn’t you say?

Sabrina- (To herself) Is nothing sacred?

Valerie spots Harvey coming.

Valerie- (Cont.) Hey Harvey, what do ya say you and I hit The Slicery this afternoon... alone?

Harvey- I know I’ll be hungry.

They walk off.

Sabrina- (To Herself) Oh that does it! Now it’s time to play hardball. She’s not stealing my life or my boyfriend.

She glances up and down the corridor to check it’s clear before pointing at herself and creating the all-new Sabrina. She raises up a couple of inches on the high healed, black leather thigh-boots. with her dress transforming into black leggings and black leather, tight fitting bodice over a black fishnet bodysuit. Her hair turns into a wild, back-combed, gold streaked, brunet array and the heavy black eye make-up and purple lipstick are set off by the nose and lip ring. Sabrina, the teenage Goth.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Let’s see if she still wants to be like me.

She walks down the hallway and growls at a passing student who backs away. Mrs. Quick notices.

Mrs. Quick- Sabrina, has something been bothering you?

Sabrina- Anything with just three chords aint music.

Mrs. Quick- Believe me Sabrina, I recognise a cry for help when I see one. Perhaps you’d be more comfortable speaking with someone your own age who’s a little more mature. I know! Valerie.

She leaves, Sabrina snarls at her back.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda comforts the distraught Salem by stroking him.

Salem- <Sob! Sob!> Oh.

Hilda- Salem, you know Vincent Van Gough was a great artist and he never sold a single painting during his lifetime.

Salem- Really? What a loser.

The door-bell rings and Hilda puts Salem down so she can answer it.

Hilda- I wonder who that is? Oh! Maybe it’s Brock. (Calling) Who is it?

Delivery Guy- (OS) Delivery for Spellman.

She opens the door and the delivery man puts three floral wreathes inside.

Hilda- (Reading) ‘Rest in peace’ ‘Deepest sympathy’ ‘Say hi to God for me’?

Delivery Guy- Just be glad you didn’t get our biggest seller. ‘Good riddance’

Zelda comes through from the kitchen.

Zelda- Hilda, did you know you’re in the newspaper?

Hilda- Really? Where?

Zelda- The Obituary page. Have you died and not told me?

Hilda- Either the afterlife is a disappointment of enormous proportions or somebody owes me an explanation.

The sisters close in over Salem waiting.

Hilda- (Cont.) Salem?!

Salem- Look, everyone knows a painters paintings get more valuable after he dies. I’m just speeding up the process.

Zelda- I’m referred to as (Reading) ‘Your long time companion’

Hilda- Everyone is going to think that I’m dead.

Salem- What’s the big deal? You don’t leave the house that much anyway.

Int. Westbridge High School. Empty history classroom. Sabrina sits on a desk swinging her stilettoed feet.

Sabrina- (Thinking) So this is how it ends. Me with a ring in my nose and no way out of this mess. Well at least the spell can’t get any worse.

Valerie come running into the room.

Valerie- Sabrina! You’re not going to believe this, I have magical powers. Watch.

She points at a desk and turns a text-book into a hot-fudge sundae.

Sabrina- Well the phrase ‘spiralling out of control’ comes to mind.

Valerie- Oh don’t worry, I promise to use them responsibly. I’d never do anything frivolous with them.

Sabrina hears laughter from outside the classroom and...

Libby- What are you looking at? Freaks

She glances through the doorway to see Libby surrounded by laughing students and sporting a pair of donkey ears.

Valerie- Well, most of the time.

Sabrina has to do something but what. She quietly points her finger at Valerie’s sundae making it burst into flames.

Sabrina- U-ho Valerie, it looks like you don’t quite have a handle on that magic of yours. We’d better go somewhere safe and figure out what to do.

She takes Valerie by the arm and drags her towards the door.

Valerie- You’re not going to turn me over to a bunch of scientists or try to sell me to the government are you?

Sabrina- Oh course not. (Under her breath) Not right off the bat anyway.

Int. Spellman living room. More wreaths have arrived and Zelda has to move one to reach the front door.

Brock- I came over as soon as I heard the news Zelda. Tell me, how did it happen?

Zelda- Um...

She looks down at the wreath she’s still holding then hands it to Brock.

Zelda- (Cont.) Would you excuse me for a moment.

She heads for the kitchen.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda sits glowering at Salem as Zelda enters

Salem- Who do we invite to the wake?

Zelda- Hilda! Brock’s here.

Hilda jumps to her feet delighted.

Hilda- Oh that’s right! We’ve got a date.

Zelda- Not so fast! He thinks you’re dead.

Hilda- Well when he sees me he’ll know I’m not.

Salem- You can’t go in there. He’s not as dumb as he looks, he’ll know you faked your death because your paintings weren’t selling.

Hilda- Well then I’ll tell him that they weren’t my paintings.

Salem- And he’ll know you’ve been untruthful and the beautiful relationship you two had will be tainted with lies (takes a breath) and more lies.

Hilda- Just my luck, I meet the guy of my dreams but I die.

Zelda- I’ll let him down gently.

She heads back to the living room.

Salem- I know it’s gotta hurt Hilda but ya did kinda bring it on yourself.

Hilda- Wait a minute, what am I talking to a cat for. I don’t have to tell Brock about the paintings. I’ll tell him the newspaper made a mistake. Hilda Spellminski died.

She laughs in Salem’s face.

Int. Spellman living room. The grief-stricken Brock takes solace in the busom of the deceased sister. He weeps buckets as Zelda pats him on the back.

Zelda- Oh there, there. It’s okay to cry... Just use this tissue instead of my blouse.

Hilda enters.

Hilda- Hi Brock, the newspaper made a mistake.

Brock looks up through bleary eyes, screams in fright, leaps up and runs still screaming from the house.

Hilda- (Cont.) Brock!! Okay, that’s not the way he usually greets me.

Zelda- Well. Sorry, but Brock said he needed closure so I zapped in some photo’s of you in a coffin.

She hands her sister the Polaroid’s.

Hilda- I’m so pale.

Zelda- You’re dead.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s got Valerie back to her room.

Sabrina- Okay, stay here and lay off the magic tricks and I’ll go figure out what to do.

Valerie- Oh look, I’ve been thinking about it. It’s gonna be so weird Sabrina. I’m going to have to hide my magical powers and make up all sorts of excuses for the rest of my life. You have no idea what kind of stress I’m going to be under.

Sabrina- Right, I have no idea.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda is using flowers from the wreaths to make some nice flower arrangements. Hilda lays her head heartbroken on her arm as Sabrina comes down stairs.

Sabrina- Have you guys got a minute?

Zelda- Oh look Hilda. Sabrina’s going through that charming to-assert-my-independence-I’m-making-myself-as-ugly-as-possible phase.

Sabrina- I’ll explain later. Listen, I may have gotten into a small problem with charitable magic.

Zelda- You did? Didn’t you read the advisory by the Witches Council in my magazine? It couldn’t have been more explicit.

Sabrina- I blame the school system, my retention’s not what it should be.

Later. Sabrina finishes her explanation.

Sabrina- ...So now Valerie’s a witch. Not a particularly good one but still...

Zelda- (Interrupting) All right Sabrina. Here’s what you have to do to reverse the spell...

Hilda- (Interrupting) First; change your clothes. There’s no reason to make the situation sadder than this.

Sabrina does her pointy thing and she’s back to her full cuteness.

Zelda- Then you’ve got to take Valerie home and somehow convince Mr. and Mrs. Birkhead to say, in these precise words. ‘We’re happy Valerie changed’ Got it?

Sabrina- Well why do I want them to say that? I want them to be not happy that Valerie has changed.

Zelda- We know it’s ironic, we know it’s illogical but believe it or not WE KNOW MORE ABOUT THESE THINGS THAT YOU DO!

Sabrina- Okay! Okay! It shouldn’t be very hard. Mr. and Mrs. Birkhead are thrilled with the new Valerie.

Int. Birkhead living room. Everything’s dark and gloomy. The Birkhead’s look miserable.

Sabrina- What happened? You guys were so up-beat before.

Mr. Birkhead- Remember that bridge I was telling you about? It’s still standing... twenty feet below sea level.

Mrs. Birkhead- I just got fired for recommending a heart patient loosen-up and try lard.

Sabrina- Well what about Warren? I mean you seems happy.

Warren clutches his throat and talks in a hoarse whisper.

Warren- I found out the hard way, electrical sockets are not toys.

Mr. Birkhead- If you asked me, our troubles started about the time Valerie changed.

Sabrina- Oh but you’re glad she changed right?

Mrs. Birkhead- Not at all. We miss the old Valerie.

Sabrina- But you didn’t know how much you missed her until she changed. So you’re really glad she changed?

Mrs. Birkhead- No.

Sabrina- I see. Okay, well I know what’ll liven things up. Let's play charades.

Mr. and Mrs. Birkhead- (Together) Now?

Sabrina turns on the light and stands in the center of the room.

Sabrina- I’ll go first. Er it’s not the name of a book or a movie or anything. It’s just a particular phrase. Okay.

She holds her thumb and index finger close together.

Mr. Birkhead- Er small?

Warren- Tiny?

Mr. Birkhead- Er wee?

Sabrina- Yes! Okay we. Next word.

She smiles broadly pressing her cheeks to form dimples.

Mrs. Birkhead- Well I’ve got it. Happy.

Sabrina- Okay. We’re happy...

There’s a swirl of sparkles and Valerie appears.

Mr. Birkhead- Valerie?

Sabrina- Okay! We’re happy Valerie. We’re almost done.

Valerie- Mom, dad. I can’t keep it a secret any longer. I’ve got magical powers, Watch.

She points at Warren and turns him into a dog.

Mrs. Birkhead- Valerie! You changed Warren into a dingo!

Sabrina- Changed! You said changed. You said we’re happy Valerie changed.

There’s a bolt of lightning from the blue that strikes Valerie and she’s instantly changed back into the brown haired Valerie we all know. As an added bonus Warren’s turned back into a boy. Valerie collapses in a heap. Mr. Birkhead takes off his spectacles and looks at them.

Mr. Birkhead- Wha... Did I just see what I thought I saw?

Sabrina- Of course not, it’s that crackpot diet of yours. You eat enough pastrami and bear-claws, you’re gonna start seeing things.

Valerie climbs to her feet.

Valerie- What-What happened? How did I get here?

Mrs. Birkhead- You seemed to believe you had magical powers dear.

Mr. Birkhead- You tried to change Warren into a dingo.

Valerie- I did? I’m such a loser. <Sob!>

She runs crying to her room.

Mrs. Birkhead- Oh our baby, she’s back!

She runs after her followed by dad and Warren.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina comes down stairs with her aunts.

Sabrina- That’s all?

Hilda- Yes, you’ve got to read and chronologically organise all of your aunt Zelda’s ‘Enchanted By’ magazines and then we’ll consider the matter settled.

Run Credits.

Zelda- And to make sure you actually read and don’t skim there will be a quiz when you’re done.

Sabrina- Fine by me. As a frequent victim of you’re punishments I’d say you guys are getting soft.

They head into the kitchen.

Int. Spellman kitchen. It’s full, floor to ceiling with stacks of ‘Enchanted By’ magazines.

Sabrina- Whoa!

Zelda- Did I mention that I’ve been a loyal ‘Enchanted By’ subscribed for over three hundred and seventy-five years?

Hilda- Believe it or not this is nothing compared to the ‘International Male’ Catalogues she’s got stashed in the basement.

Sabrina- This is child abuse! Do you know how many paper-cuts I could get?

Salem- You think you’ve got it bad?

His punishment is to write out a thousand times on the chalkboard ‘I will not kill Hilda’ It may not sound so bad but you try it with only paws.

Salem- (Cont.) And I’m supposed to be on my honeymoon <Sob!>