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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

You Bet Your Family

Written By - Nick Bakay
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Libby - Jenna Liegh Green
Diamond Dave - Edward Albert
C.K. - Fred Stoller
Student - Angell Conwell
Young Kid - Keith Alexander
Showgirl - Melissa Park

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

The prelude is missing from this episode. It will be added later... hopefully.

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina and Harvey walk together to Sabrina’s locker.

Sabrina- Huh. Well thanks for listening, I know the results of my sassy-quiz can’t be all that interesting.

Harvey- Sure they are. So how did you score on sassitude?

They are interrupted by a commotion as excited students rush outside to the parking-lot.

Sabrina- Do you ever get the feeling you’re missing something?

Harvey stops a student who’s running by.

Harvey- Hey what’s going on?

Student- Libby’s just pulled up in her new car.

She runs on.

Harvey- (To Sabrina) Libby has wheelage?

Sabrina- Oh well, it’s nice to know that good things happen to horrible people.

Ext. School parking lot. The crowd of students congregate around a shiny, red convertible with Libby sitting inside.

Libby- I know everyone is going to want to ride, so I should warn you the selection process is going to be Darwinian. Survival of the cutest.

She looks pointedly at Harvey who’s just come out with Sabrina.

Sabrina- Can you believe the way everyone’s worshipping her? Let's just ignore her.

Harvey- Okay. So erm why do you thing you scored so well on that quiz?

As he talks he’s trying to get a peek at the car.

Harvey- (Cont.) I gotta tell you, I think you are the kinda girl that other girls respect.

Sabrina watches him trying to look at the car without letting her know he’s trying to look at the car.

Sabrina- Thanks. You really wanna look at the car don’t you?

Harvey- Mind?

Sabrina- It’s your DNA talking, I understand.

Harvey goes to check out the motor.

Int. Spellman Living room. Salem’s on the phone in his blue shell-suit and a gold medallion round his neck.

Salem- Hello roast beef. This is Catmandu.

Zelda enters and eaves-drops.

Salem- (Cont.) Give me ten cans of tuna on the Sea-hawks and I’ll call ya before post-time at Pimlico.

He spots Zelda.

Salem- (Cont.) Er later.

Zelda- Salem, I thought I told you gambling is illegal in my living room.

Salem- I’m on a roll slim. This is my shot at some real action, not just fleecing the neighbourhood cats in Boggle.

Zelda- What? Bingo at Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow?

Salem- Try the hippest poker game in the Other Realm, hosted by none other than Diamond Dave Larouch

Zelda- The Diamond Dave?

Salem- Born to misbehave.

Zelda- The wiliest gambler west of the crack in time?

Salem- He the man!

Zelda- Absolutely not.

Salem- Oh yeah! Huh?

Zelda- Salem, you know I despise gambling, it’s throwing away good money. Besides, no-one wins against Diamond Dave.

Salem- But I’m red-hot, not even double-D can stop this streak. Please?

Zelda- The subject is closed. Besides, you can’t get to the Other Realm on your own so you might as well forget about it.

Salem- I’ll buy you somethin’ pretty.

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Sabrina sits with Harvey while Libby holds court at her table.

Student- Cool car, Libby.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) People are acting like Libby’s dad bought her the space-shuttle. It’s just a car.

Harvey- A convertible, with a CD player in the trunk. All the controls are on the steering-wheel.

Sabrina- You’re not helping.

Libby saunters over.

Libby- You guys hear about the class trip to The Celtics game?

Sabrina- Let me guess, your dad bought you The Celtics too?

Libby- Nice try, Freaka Warrior Princess. I was just wondering if Harvey needed a ride?

Harvey- Don’t you have to take the bus to those things?

Libby- Not if you have a car. The school bus is going to look like a magnet school for losers.

Sabrina- Well that’s why we’re gonna take Harvey’s car, (To Harvey) Right?

Harvey- Right, except it’s up on blocks.

Sabrina- For how long?

Harvey- You can count on it for graduation.

Sabrina’s face drops.

Libby- Well I’ll be saving shotgun for you, Harvey, (To Sabrina) and Claude, the bus-driver, will be saving shotgun for you.

Libby Leaves smiling.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) We have got to get a car.

Int. Spellman Living room. Hilda’s sits reading ‘Sports View’ as Zelda stands over her excited.

Zelda- Do you realise what this stamped and sealed envelope represents?

Hilda- Yet another unrequited love letter to Robert Downey Junior?

Zelda- You are incorrect. This is the final mortgage payment on our house.

Hilda suddenly feels her sisters excitement.

Hilda- You’re kidding? It’s really ours now?

Zelda- Yep! Electrical work that’s not up to code and all.

Hilda- Whoo-hoo!

They both start dancing and jigging round the room in happiness. Sabrina comes in from school and sees the general merriment.

Sabrina- Let me guess, it’s double coupon day at the market?

Zelda waves the envelope in front of Sabrina’s face.

Zelda- Honey, we’ve paid-off the house.

She gives Sabrina a hug.

Hilda- It’s really ours now.

Sabrina- (Un-excited) Whoo-hoo! (Suddenly excited) Wait a minute!

She starts dancing and jigging along with her aunts.

Sabrina- (Cont.) That’s great! Now that you have some free cash lying around you can take out some car payments for your favourite niece.

Hilda and Zelda stop dancing and jigging.

Zelda- Not gonna happen.

Sabrina- But! Come on, don’t quit. We’re jumpin’ It’s a great day!

Hilda- Sabrina, we’ve been over this a hundred times. You’re not responsible enough for a car yet.

Sabrina- Well the least you can do is let me borrow your car for the school field-trip?

Zelda- Oh we can’t, a group of scientist’s are going to line our cars up and floor them to see if we can reverse the earth’s rotation. It’s just an excuse to meet people but I made a commitment.

Sabrina finishes off her dancing and jigging with a spectacular jump landing full length face down on the settee in that typical posture of the thwarted and upset teenage girl. Her face buried in her hands.

Sabrina- I’d trade all my magical powers for an eighty-three Labarda with low mileage.

Hilda- Sabrina, most kids in high school don’t have cars and they do just fine.

Zelda- The bus’ll be fun.

Sabrina- Fine, but bare in mind that a car is less expensive that a life-time of psychotherapy.

She goes upstairs in a huff.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Salem is dolled up to the nines in a pinstripe suit and open-necked wide collared shirt showing off his medallion and a cockily tipped trilby hat. Sabrina comes up the stairs.

Salem- You didn’t see me.

Sabrina- Well you’re kinda hard to miss in your Sunday-goin’-to-meetin’ suit.

Salem- Don’t tell the brain trust downstairs but I’ve been invited to play poker at Diamond Dave’s Highroller Suite.

Sabrina- And that’s a good thing?

Salem- Are you kidding? This is my chance to pocket some serious samoliants, greenbacks, deniero, muhlah, shekels, scratch, wampum...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) And those are?

Salem- Money, baby.

Sabrina- Oh.

She turns uninterested towards her bedroom.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh!!

She turns very interested back to Salem.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, could you buy me a car?

Salem- Page me next week. Right now I need every penny to play the legend.

There’s a flash of light round the linen closet door jam and it’s opened by a leggy showgirl in fishnets, spangles and more ostrich feathers than an ostrich.

Showgirl- Mister Saberhagen?

Salem- Um Hominahominahomina.

Showgirl- Welcome to what we at Diamond Dave’s call, VIP plus.

Salem- Finally, I’m gonna get comp’t.

The showgirl picks up Salem and heads to the linen closet.

Sabrina- Good Luck, and buy me a car when you come back.

Salem- Yeah, yeah, yeah. (To the showgirl) Do you girls make your own costumes?

There’s a flash of light and Salem is off with his new squeeze.

Sabrina- (To herself) I bet she has a car.

Int. Spellman Dining room late that night. Very late. The light is switched on and Sabrina walks to the Lab-top with the magic book open in her arms. She’s been doing some late night studying. She presses the button and the Lab-top folds out.

Sabrina- (To herself) I guess I’ll just have to conjure-up a car myself. Okay let’s see. (Reading) ‘Essence of tyre-burn’

And they just happen to have it. It goes into the beaker.

Sabrina- (Cont.) (Reading) ‘Mare.’

It goes into the mix.

Sabrina- (Cont.) (Reading) ‘And STP, the racers edge.’

It’s lubrication is added and the beaker sparkles.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Yes!

She reaches into the beaker and removes the car-keys.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Now lets see how popular Libby is when I’m mobile.

She presses the car-alarm button and there are two beeps. But the alarm is set to warn someone other than Sabrina of miscreant activity. Hilda and Zelda flicker into the room both in the dressing-gowns. Zelda holding the magazine she was reading in bed and Hilda still with her tooth-brush in her mouth.

Sabrina- NO!!

Zelda- (To Hilda) I told you it was a good idea to activate that uninsured-teen-driver block.

Hilda- Sabrina, it’s just a bus.

She takes the keys from her niece.

Sabrina- But can’t I tap into my college fund?

Int. Diamond Dave’s Highroller Suite. The Other Realm. Plush elegance is a good description of the surroundings and the people. James Bond wouldn’t look out of place among the classy women in the evening gowns and the tuxedo clad men. Unfortunately a small black cat does. Diamond Dave lives up to his name, dripping in diamond rings with his faithful butler C.K. at his side. Salem has his showgirl close by for luck as the two play. The pot is piled high.

Salem- Four of a kind.

He’s confident of taking the pot but Diamond Dave turns his cards.

Diamond Dave- Well what’d’ya know, a royal flush.

Salem- Gee! That sounds better.

Diamond Dave- It is.

He reaches out a draws the pile of chips towards him. That’s one kitty that’s not for the kitty and it’s not the first.

Salem- That’s the fifth straight hand you’ve won.

C.K.- That’s why they call him Diamond Dave, not Amber Dave, not Aquamarine Dave, but Diamond Dave.

Diamond Dave- And that’s why I can have a butler who sits on his butt while my Fanta needs refreshing.

The butler jumps to it taking his bosses glass for a refill

Diamond Dave- (Cont.) Are you sure you don’t want a break?

Salem- Are you nuts? Now I’ve got you right where I want you.

Diamond Dave shrugs and sets out the pack of cards in the center of the table. He shakes his hand like a craps player building the magical power then releases it into the pack. The cards deal themselves.

Diamond Dave- The game is highlowcrisscrossMexicanstudpoker, ducesandbugsarewild.

Salem- (Aside to the showgirl) Did you catch any of that?

She shakes her head no.

Salem- (Cont.) <Sob! Sob!>

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Two people sidle down the hallway trying not to be noticed by the passing students until the reach a sign-up poster on the wall. That reads

CELTICS BASKETBALL
FIELD TRIP THIS SATURDAY
BUS
SIGN UP FORM

Harvey- A number three was the lightest pencil I could find.

He hands the pencil to Sabrina and looks furtively up and down the hallway.

Sabrina- Maybe if I don’t press too hard people wont notice.

She signs her name. As she does Libby comes down the hallway talking to her friends.

Libby- The trip is next week people, so it’s crunch time for those of you who haven’t purchased gifts yet.

Harvey gallantly shield Sabrina from crowd with his body and she just finishes as Libby arrives.

Libby- Have you made up your mind Harvey?

Harvey- Thanks Libby but I really have my heart set on the bus.

Libby- Suit yourself. I’ll try not to gun it as I pass you on the throughway.

She and her cronies leave and Harvey turns to find Sabrina beaming with happiness.

Sabrina- Thanks Harvey, that was really nice of you.

Harvey- Hey, if we’re on the bus then the bus is the cool way to go to the field trip.

Sabrina- Oh you know it doesn’t work that way, but thanks.

Int. Diamond Dave’s Highroller Suit. The Other Realm. Another pot goes Dave’s way and the chip left in front of Salem look terribly lonely.

Salem- B-b-b-but I th-th-thought a face card beats an eight?

Diamond Dave- Salem, eight’s are wild.

Salem- <Sob! Sob! Sob!>

Diamond Dave deals once more.

Diamond Dave- Five card draw. Anti-up.

Salem- (Under his breath) Last chip; last chance.

He flicks the chip into the middle and reads his cards.

Salem- Huh! (Excited) Oh yeah! You’re not gonna believe this hand!... (Poker faced) I believe it’s your turn.

Diamond Dave- I believe I’m going to raise you.

Smiling he pushes a huge pile of chips into the center.

Salem- Unbelievable, I finally get a winner and I can’t raise. I’ve given you everything I own. My travellers-cheques, my X-men number one in near mint condition, my Beanie-babies. Oh I’m tapped-out. <Sob! Sob!>

Diamond Dave- I-I-I’d really like to work with you here. Do you own any property?

Salem’s downcast head comes up with a glint in his yellow eyes.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina’s having a little fashion show to try and decide which outfit to wear for the field trip. Hilda and Zelda sit at the table watching.

Sabrina- This brown would be good, or maybe this beige one.

Hilda- I like the beige one, it brings out your immaturity.

Sabrina- Immature?!

Sabrina takes off the beige paper bag with the eye holes cut in it and puts it with the brown one.

Sabrina- (Cont.) My life is over people!

Salem slinks down the stairs in his blue shirt sobbing and jumps up onto the counter.

Hilda- Where’s your medallion Salem?

Salem- Diamond Dave said he could melt it down and sell the gold to a dentist.

Zelda- Tell me you didn’t play him.

Salem- Kinda-sorta and I got into a little trouble. See, I kinda bet something that wasn’t mine to bet.

The aunts eyes narrow.

Salem- (Cont.) More like... Well actually, it was yours.

They move closer the look becoming dangerous.

Salem- (Cont.) Kind of a big thing.

They hover over him their eyes saying ‘the wrong answer will be your last.’

Hilda- Please tell me you didn’t bet the house?

Salem- How do I say this? Oh-boy, I’m feelin’ whoosie.

Zelda- Did you bet this house?!

Salem- Well, no. Actually I bet...

In a flash of light the three angry witches vanish.

Salem- (Cont.) ...You. (To himself) Well they seemed to take that pretty well.

Int. Diamond Dave’s luxury penthouse apartment. The Other Realm. Three very bemused and confused witches appear standing ankle deep in shag-pile. They look around at the sumptuous furnishings.

Sabrina- Did you guys paint the piano?

Diamond Dave enters arms spread in greeting, followed by his butler.

Diamond Dave- Ah ladies, welcome to the gaming floor.

Zelda- Diamond Dave!

Sabrina- You mean Salem bet us?

Hilda- And lost?

Zelda- Oh this is absurd. Come on, let’s get out of here.

She twirls her finger round encapsulating all three of them but instead of being back home giving Salem what for, they’re still on the gaming floor with a grinning Diamond Dave.

Diamond Dave- Your magic’s no good here and neither is your credit. I won you fair and square in a game of Texas ‘old ‘em.

C.K.- A game sanctioned by the Other Realm Bureau of Gaming and Fishing.

Diamond Dave- For the next twenty years you’ll be doing menial jobs for me.

C.K.- And Diamond Dave likes things done the mortal way.

Diamond Dave- (To Zelda) You will be my new cook.

He shakes his fist again and points and Zelda’s kitted out in chefs hat and smock.

Zelda- That cat is going straight to the pound.

Diamond Dave- (To Hilda) And you are my new maid.

A shake, a point and Hilda’s in a black maids outfit complete with frilly hair-band and a duster.

Hilda- That cat is going straight to a violin factory.

Diamond Dave- (To Sabrina) And you. You will be my new personal assistant...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Wait! You can’t keep us here, I have a life and-and a boyfriend and...

Diamond Dave- (Interrupting) Did I happen to mention the job includes driving my Porsche?

Sabrina- Whoo-hoo!

She smiles happily as Dave does his shaky-pointy thing and she’s kitted out in a chauffeur’s outfit with peaked hat and shiny riding boots.

Hilda- No fair! She got a cute uniform.

Diamond Dave- It’s my business to be popular. You ladies are now part of that formula and I like my ladies up-beat and zesty. We are cleaning and we are smiling.

With Hilda it’s more of a grimis than a smile.

Diamond Dave- (Cont.) I’d like to start with a light meal. Burnt bacon, peanut-butter, four bananas, hand mashed in a bowl.

Zelda- Would you like a spoon or a straw with that?

Diamond Dave- In the grotto and today, Cookie!

He snaps his fingers and leaves. The still smiling Sabrina turns to her aunts.

Sabrina- Everybody heard that, I get to drive a Porsche, right?

Zelda- He called me Cookie! We’ve got to find a way out, and of course Salem will help.

She bites her nails uncertainly.

Int. Spellman Living room. It appears that Zelda has every right to feel uncertain as Salem enjoys the freedom of having the house to himself. He takes a run at the polishes wood floor section by the stairs and slides across on his butt to disappear round the corner.

Salem- (OS) OOF! (To himself) I’m okay.

Int. Diamond Dave’s luxury penthouse apartment. The Other Realm. Hilda flicks her feather duster half-heartedly at the furnishings as Sabrina enters followed by Diamond Dave looking a little tense.

Sabrina- That was so much fun. Not bad for my first time driving stick, huh?

Diamond Dave- I’ll be recovering in the grotto until the guests arrive. (To Hilda) And what do we say, Hilda, when I come home?

Hilda curtsies.

Hilda- Evenin’ Gov’ner.

And smiles stiffly.

Diamond Dave- It needs work.

He leaves.

Sabrina- Diamond Dave wasn’t kidding when he said he was popular. It’s like driving around with the Pope.

Hilda- People fawning all over you is very overrated. I don’t need that kind of attention as I pointed out on my web-site.

Sabrina- It sorta reminded me of Libby. I’m starting to think that money is the root of all popularity.

Hilda- Don’t forget fear.

Sabrina- Libby has that too.

Hilda- Sabrina, money is only a short-cut to popularity and short-cuts never work.

Sabrina- Well they do for Diamond Dave.

Zelda comes in looking sweaty and exhausted after slaving over a hot stove all day.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You look awful, what’s the matter?

Zelda- Oh something to do with chitlins. Look, I have a plan to get us out of here.

She takes a couple of slips of paper from her apron and hands them to Hilda and Sabrina.

Zelda- (Cont.) I want each of you to get me two of the ingredients on this list.

Sabrina- But we can’t use magic.

Zelda- But we can still make a sleeping potion and I’ll mix it into Diamond Dave’s next culinary atrocity.

Hilda- If it works, we can make a break for it while he and C.K. are zonked-out. I am so in.

Sabrina- Did I mention I’m driving a Porsche?

She gets the old double aunt glare.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay! I’m in too.

Int. Gaming Room. Diamond Dave rakes in another huge pot as he plucks the chicken familiar who’s about as bright as Salem. His personal assistant brings him a fresh Fanta.

Zelda- (Voice over) All we need is the feather of a fowl, preferably ostrich or emu.

Sabrina turns from the table and deftly plucks a feather from the chickens tail.

Int. Luxury Apartment. Hilda dusts round the hanging baskets while Diamond Dave entertains his guests at the piano.

Zelda- (Voice over) Two ounces of chlorophyll.

Sabrina passes Hilda who slips a couple of lilies into her hand. Sabrina passes them un-noticed to Zelda at the kitchen door.

Int. Luxury Apartment. Guests arrive. Expensively dressed ladies pile their minks and fur coats into the arms of Hilda the maid.

Zelda- (Voice over) A tad of faux animal fur. Try not to damage the coat when you take it.

Zelda plucks fur and pops it down her cleavage. Another guest dumps his coat on top of the pile and the weight becomes too much. She keels over sideways.

Sabrina kneels beside Diamond Dave as C.K. uses tweezers to pluck those unsightly nose hairs. C.K. drops the hairs into the container Sabrina holds

Zelda- (Voice over) Some body hair, the courser the better, and top it off with a little alcohol for flavour.

Zelda slips behind the hair plucking trio and swipes the bottle of comb cleaner from the table before disappearing into the kitchen.

Int. Diamond Dave’s kitchen. Hubble bubble, Dave’s in trouble. The three witches stand around the bubbling cauldron on the stove as Zelda stirs the mix.

Hilda- Toss in a little more of that comb cleaner.

Sabrina empties the bottle into the cauldron.

Zelda- One sip of this and he’ll be out for a week.

Sabrina- And I haven’t even added the nose hairs yet.

They cackle in good witchly style.

Zelda- Shhh! It’s only natural to get carried away when we’re gathered over a cauldron, but remember, this potion is our last resort. I’m still hoping Salem will save us.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Empty tuna cans litter the counter and Salem sits on a large can of sardines that’s on the blender bed. It rotates faster and faster.

Salem- Whoa doggie! Yeehaa!

He’s catapulted from the can into the wall.

Salem- (Cont.) <Sob> Okay, I’ve had my fun. Now I’ve got a family to save.

The door-bell rings.

Salem- (Cont.) Ooh! My won-tons.

Int. Diamond Dave’s luxury penthouse apartment. The Other Realm. Diamond Dave sits down for his mid-day meal. C.K. places the nap-kin on his lap as Sabrina and Hilda stand beside him.

Diamond Dave- I have to say you girls are doing a stella job. C.K., if I were you I would definitely be hearing footsteps.

C.K.- That’s a good one Double-D. Ha-ha-ha.

Zelda enters from the kitchen with the dinner tray.

Zelda- Okay, who’s ready for some tongue, mini-marshmallow and yam soup?

She places the tray in front of Diamond Dave.

Diamond Dave- Just like mama used to make. Zelda, the grub has been magnifico but you know I’ve been thinking of making Hilda my official food-taster.

Hilda- What! And deprive you?

Diamond Dave- Well you know I’ve been so hot at the tables recently you never know who might be messing with my lucky meals and you might as well start with this steaming bowl o’ tongue.

Hilda- But C.K. has seniority.

Sabrina- Yeah, he should have the honour.

Diamond Dave- That bum? I give a gift everyday I don’t can him.

C.K.- I think I’m starting to see a pattern in your humour.

Diamond Dave scoops up a spoonful of soup and holds it out to Hilda.

Diamond Dave- Here, you’ve earned it, Hilda.

She glances nervously across at her two accomplices who look equally as nervous.

Diamond Dave- (Cont.) Go ahead, unless there’s something wrong with it. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Sabrina and Zelda- Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Hilda- Well y’know what? It’s chunky style, that’s my favourite.

She takes a mouth full. Has two crunchy bites and keels over sideways.

Diamond Dave- I find that highly suspicious.

Sabrina and Zelda hurry round to see to the zonked-out Hilda.

Zelda- She’s tired, she’s been working really hard.

Sabrina- Yeah, Don’t let us interrupt your dinner.

Diamond Dave- You witches dosed my dinner.

C.K.- Does this mean I get to cook for you again?

Diamond Dave- Nice try ladies. I hope you enjoy your new job, manning the sceptic tank.

He throws down the napkin and leaves.

Sabrina- (Calling after) I still get to drive the Porsche, right?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Snores emanate from beneath a pile of empty cat-food tins. A black tail flicks slowly back and forth dislodging one of the tins. The sound of it crashing to the floor wakens Salem.

Salem- Huh?! Ngh! eh! Oh man, I dreamt I was out of food.

He looks around at empty cans everywhere.

Salem- (Cont.) Whoo! Check out all the dead soldiers. Wait a minute! I am out of food. Now I’ve really gotta save them.

Int. Diamond Dave’s luxury penthouse apartment. The Other Realm. Sabrina’s saved from having to work on the sceptic-tank but it might have been preferable to the job she has got. She kneels at Diamond Dave’s feet and gives him a pedicure.

Diamond Dave- Oh easy on the bunion princess, and when you’re done use the clear nail-polish, not that frosty stuff you used last time.

Sabrina- It’s called ‘Lady Meringue’

The butler enters.

C.K.- Can I get you anything?

Diamond Dave- How about a friend to watch my back.

C.K.- Double-D, I said I was sorry about the food thing.

Diamond Dave- The food thing! You mean the attempt to poison me?

C.K.- Why would I want to hurt you? You’re my oldest friend.

Sabrina- He’s your oldest friend?

C.K.- We went to school together, I gave him a kidney.

Sabrina- (To Diamond Dave) He gave you a kidney?

Diamond Dave- (To C.K.) What did I say when we signed the release forms? No guilt trips.

C.K.- Come on Dave.

Diamond Dave- You’re fired.

C.K.- But Dave...

Diamond Dave- (Interrupting) You heard me, now mush.

C.K.- If that’s the way you want it but just remember this. The only reason you aren’t alone in this house is because you’re good with a deck of cards. As a human being, you’re strictly an amateur.

Diamond Dave- Yeah well, you know what? That kidney you gave me isn’t exactly a Cadillac.

C.K. leaves.

Sabrina- How could you do that to C.K.? I mean he may be a kiss-up with no personality but he’s your friend.

Diamond Dave- Sabrina, as long as I have money, I’ll have friends.

Sabrina- But they aren’t real friends.

Diamond Dave- And you’re not really a butler but you’ll be doing C.K.’s job from now on.

The door-bell rings.

Diamond Dave- (Cont.) You can start by answering the doorbell.

With a sigh of disgust she gets to her feet and answers the door. A showgirl stands there with a mysterious man in a trench-coat and trilby.

Showgirl- Diamond Dave, allow me to introduce Mr. Cat Chow. The incredibly irresponsible Asian gambler.

Sabrina tries hard to keep a straight face.

Mr. Cat Chow- Me crazy for Pi-gau

He enters on strangely wooden legs and looks very wobbly. Too wobbly in fact as he falls forward flat on the floor. A small black cat tumbles out of the neck of the coat.

Salem- Aaargh!

His cry brings Zelda and Hilda running in their new uniforms. Boiler-suits.

Zelda- What was that?

Hilda- Oh look! A putty tat.

Zelda- The potion still hasn’t worn off.

Hilda slumps backwards onto the settee. Zelda bends down and picks up Salem.

Zelda- (Cont.) What, exactly, was your plan?

Salem- Erm, this is pretty much it. I figured once I got inside, I’d get inspired.

Diamond Dave- Perfect. Now you’re all mine and I’ve got myself a new shoe buffer.

Salem- (Sob)

Sabrina- Excuse me. I’m sorry, this is hugely unfair. We can’t be held responsible for anything that a professional gambler wins from a common house-pet.

Salem- A house-pet who’s rated by Ceasers Palace...

Zelda clamps her hand over Salem’s mouth.

Sabrina- How about a game, just you and me? If I win; we all get to go home.

Diamond Dave- And if you lose?

Sabrina- We’ll... stay for a hundred years and clean your garage.

Zelda- Sabrina no! We’re witches, twenty years is a drop in the bucket to us. It may take Hilda that long to straighten up.

Hilda- You look so familiar to me.

Zelda- Sit like a lady dear.

Diamond Dave- I’ll see your bet and raise you. If I win you all stay here with me... Forever.

Sabrina- Done!

Diamond Dave- Poker?

Sabrina- No, my game.

Int. The gaming room. Sabrina and Diamond Dave sit at the table ready to play for the highest stakes. The tension amongst the onlookers is electric

Diamond Dave- Chutes and ladders?

Sabrina- My game; My rules.

Diamond Dave- Only if I get to be Butch.

He holds up the game piece.

Sabrina- Done.

The game progresses.

Sabrina- ...Four, five, six.

Diamond Dave shakes the dice.

Diamond Dave- One, two. Shoot! A shoot.

He slides his piece back down the board.

Sabrina- I haven’t lost a game since kindergarten, I ain’t gonna start now.

She blows on the dice and rolls.

Later. Sabrina slides her piece way down a shoot as Diamond Dave grins.

Sabrina- We did say two-out-of-three right?

Diamond Dave- I am so close to the winners circle I can smell the Champaign.

Zelda- (Aside to Sabrina) Sabrina, that has to be you’re last shoot.

Sabrina- It’s not like I’m doing this on purpose aunt Zelda.

Diamond Dave roles the dice.

Diamond Dave- Yes! Six sweet steps to victory. Oh the glory of it all.

Sabrina buries her head in her hands and feels the tears well up.

Sabrina- I can’t brlieve it, this is my game!

Diamond Dave- Not anymore kid.

Zelda puts a comforting arm round Sabrina’s shoulder.

Zelda- It’s all right Sabrina, you played great and it’s not like forever lasts... Oh dear lord, forever!

Hilda eyes widen and she sways back and forth.

Hilda- Is the room spinning or is it me?

Zelda- She’s having a reaction to the potion.

Diamond Dave- Hey, Saint Vitas Dance, take it outside.

Hilda steadies herself against Diamond Dave’s chair back.

Hilda- D’ya know what big-shot? I spit in your grotto.

Diamond Dave- I think we need to put some coffee on for aunt Tipsy.

Hilda- Y’know what? I never liked you, and your cleft really bugs me.

She slugs Double D right on his cleft chin knocking him out cold. He sprawls across the gaming table. Hilda passes out sprawled across him

Zelda- Oh! Oh dear. Oh this is bad. This is very bad. I’m so sorry Diamond...

She has a sudden thought.

Zelda- (Cont.) Is it me or is Diamond Dave slumped over the table breathing, yet clearly unconscious?

Sabrina picks up one of his hands and lets it drop back to the table.

Sabrina- That’s a pretty fair assessment.

But by lifting his hand she reveals something lying underneath. She picks it up.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, look! He had an extra dice up his sleeve and it’s all sixes! No wonder he always won.

Zelda- Let’s get out of here.

She helps Hilda to her feet while Sabrina grabs Salem.

Salem- He must have cheated with me too. I was robbed! I should at least get the Leroy Neiman painting as compensation.

They all dash out the door.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Saturday Morning. Hilda sits at the table with an ice-pack held to her forehead. Zelda hovers over a contrite Salem.

Hilda- Aw! My head.

Salem- I said I was super-sorry. If I say it again will you save my racing-forms?

Zelda- No.

She takes the paper from him and dumps it in the trash.

Zelda- (Cont.) You’re not even allowed to watch ‘Wheel of Fortune’

Salem- (Sob! Sob!)

Sabrina rushes down stairs ready for her field-trip.

Sabrina- Morning.

She grabs a banana from the bowl

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’m late, I promise to eat all the un-bruised parts on the bus.

She heads for the back door.

Zelda- Are you gonna be okay about taking the bus to the field-trip?

Sabrina- Yeah, I’ll be fine.

She puts her coat on.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You know? After a week at Diamond Dave’s I can honestly say that I do not want to be like Libby. It’s not money that makes you happy, It’s friends like Harvey who ride the stupid loser bus with you.

Zelda- Oh we’re so glad you see that, aren’t we Hilda?

Hilda nods agreement. Big mistake.

Hilda- Aw!

Zelda- One more thing before you go.

Sabrina turns back with her hand on the door handle.

Sabrina- You’re killing me here.

Zelda- Oh I think you’ll make it on time. We decided you deserved a little reward for having such a good attitude, but just for today.

Ext. Westbridge High School parking lot. Students are gathered round Libby’s red convertible as they wait for the bus. Something sleek and silver purrs up beside it. Sabrina smiles across at Harvey from the drivers seat of the Porsche convertible as his jaw hits the floor. He comes over.

Harvey- What are you, a secret agent or something?

Sabrina- Hop In.

Harvey’s not the only one who’s spotted it.

Student- Hey! Check out Sabrina’s ride.

Libby turns her eyes like saucers.

Libby- Where did you get that?

Sabrina- Oh my aunts wagon broke down, this is a loaner. I’d offer rides but it’s a two-seater.

The students who had been gathered around Libby’s car hoping to score a ride begin to drift away.

Libby- Hey! Where are you going?

Student- I think the bus is coming. If I’m not going to ride in a Porsche, what’s the difference?

Libby- But I have an opening! Next to an air-bag! Come Back!

Sabrina- (To Libby) We’ll try not to gun it when we pass you on the throughway.

She slips the Porsche into gear and with a silky roar it moves off leaving a sobbing Libby in it’s wake.

Int. Spellman Dining room. The big card game is underway.

Run Credits.

Dalmatian- (With a cigar hanging from it’s lips and a beer in front of him) Any three’s?

Sabrina- Go fish. Any five’s?

Boxer- Yeah, and I had my heart set on that new can of tennis balls.

Sabrina- Read ‘em and weep.

She lays her cards on the table.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Pay the lady.

Bulldog- My wife’s gonna kill me.

Sabrina- Hey, I won fair and square and I’m taking my winnings.

She scraps the chips into a pile in front of her as the dogs grumble

Sabrina- (Cont.) And buying you all rawhide treats.

Bulldog- God bless this woman.

Sabrina’s suddenly in danger of being licked to death.

Sabrina- Okay! Okay! Settle down!



Pic of the Week