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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Pancake Madness

Written By - Sheldon Bull
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Libby - Jenna Liegh Green
Mrs. Quick - Mary Gross
Mrs. Mapleton - Dale Raoul
Dr. Brickman - Carl Michael Lindner
Mountie - Brett Miller
Toothless Guy - Sam Menning

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman Upstairs Landing. Salem sits on the linen basket as Sabrina leads her aunts upstairs. Zelda holds a carton of popcorn.

Sabrina- I love going to the cinema in the Other Realm. You get to see next years blockbusters before they’re even made.

Zelda- Hm. Those poor mortal actors. They actually think they have free-will.

Sabrina leads the way into the linen-closet. Zelda follows and Hilda brings up the rear.. Until she walks nose first into an invisible wall.

Hilda- Aw! What is going on?

Zelda comes to look and has no trouble passing through the door while Hilda pushes against the barrier with her hands. There’s a definite magical force preventing her from entering.

Hilda- (Cont.) So this is what it feels like to be a mime.

Zelda- That’s odd, the closet’s never refused entry to anyone before. Well we’ll have to figure it out after the movie.

Hilda- What? You’re just going to leave me here?

Sabrina- Sorry, aunt Hilda, we’re late. Well at least we wont have to sit through the whole movie listening to you say ‘Now which one is he?’

She closes the closet door and a flash of lightning shows round the door edge.

Hilda- Oh this is so unfair.

Salem- So, looks like it’s just you and me. Wanna do each others hair?

Hilda storms off to her room.

Salem- (Cont.) I’ll take that as a no.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Salem is sat reading the morning paper on the table as Sabrina comes down stairs with her school bag.

Sabrina- Oh Salem, you must be up early for your paper-route. Can I zap you somethin’ to eat?

Salem- Good idea. Y’know I’ve always felt that breakfast is the most important meal of the morning.

Sabrina- D’ya know what we never have in this house.

Salem- Possum.

Sabrina- No, pancakes.

She points at the table and the house has pancakes. Two plates of them with OJ.

Salem- Pancakes for breakfast! You’re Mad!

Sabrina smiles and lifts a forkful as her aunts arrive down stairs.

Hilda- Pancakes!

Zelda- No!

She gets there just in time to snatch the fork from Sabrina’s hand.

Sabrina- You know, the whole fork-up-to-my-mouth thing implied I was going to eat those.

Hilda- No pancakes. Not in this house. Not ever!

She takes the plate and dumps it in the trash.

Sabrina- What are we, fanatic waffle people?

Zelda- You mustn’t ever eat pancakes. No-one in our family can eat them. It’s a family secret.

Sabrina- The family secret?

Hilda- Just a family secret, but not being able to eat pancakes is one of the darker and more frightening secrets.

Sabrina- Wow, it makes the whole ‘Prince of tides’ secret seem tame.

Zelda- All the Spellman’s have a terrible weakness for pancakes. One bite and you wont be able to stop.

Salem- (With a mouth full of pancake) Mmm! I can quit anytime I want.

Zelda- He’s not effected because he’s not family but we’re deadly serious about you Sabrina.

Sabrina- Oh-no, are we about to have the parent/child pancake talk?

Zelda- We should have told you this a long time ago. One bite of pancakes and you’ll be hooked for life.

Hilda- It’s almost as shameful as being hooked on phonics.

Sabrina- Well maybe it wont effect me because I’m half mortal.

Zelda- We can’t take that risk.

She raises her finger to enact a spell.

Zelda- (Cont.) Because our feelings for Sabrina really matter, here’s a spell to prevent, the aforementioned, Sabrina from conjuring pancake batter.

Sabrina- Well what am I supposed to do for breakfast?

Hilda- Try a poached egg.

The aunts exit into the dining room.

Sabrina- Huh! This is ridiculous. Who ever heard of being addicted to pancakes?

Salem- Haven’t you learned by now to believe what your aunts tell you no-matter how silly it sounds? It’s always for your own good.

Sabrina- But they look so syrupy good. One teensy bite can’t possibly hurt.

She grabs a forkful of Salem’s pancakes

Salem- Sabrina no! Sabrina!

But it’s too late. The pancake disappears into her mouth.

Sabrina- There, I ate pancakes. I don’t feel one bit addicted.

She grabs her book-bag and heads for the door.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I knew my aunts were over-reacting.

Salem- (To himself) Just to save her from herself I’d better destroy the rest of these.

He tucks in.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina finds Harvey eating from a cardboard carton.

Sabrina- Hi. What’ya eatin’

Harvey- (With his mouth full) Pancakes.

Sabrina- Really? Can I have some?

She reaches for the carton but he pulls it away.

Harvey- Normally I would, but this may be the only hot breakfast I get this week.

Sabrina’s eyes stay firmly fixed on the carton. her mouth waters in anticipation.

Harvey- (Cont.) My mom’s not really into cooking much since she got pregnant. She pretty much spends her whole morning barfing and yelling at my dad.

She hasn’t listened to a word. her every sense is focused on the carton.

Sabrina- Come onm just one little bite.

Harvey- Since when did you become such a pancake fiend?

Sabrina- Huh! I’m not a fiend.

Harvey takes a last mouthful of pancake and throws the empty carton into a trash can as he leaves. Sabrina heads off in the other direction for a couple of paces before turning back. She glances up and down the hallway before reaching into the trash can and retrieving the carton. She rubs her fingers across the greasy inside of the carton and sucks the pancake juice from them. As she does she spots a pair of white sneakers with white ankle socks in them. These contain a pair of legs with a green and white uniform at the top that in turn has Libby’s head sticking out of it.

Libby- Ew! They say she keeps all her belongings in a shopping cart.

Libby and her cheerleader friend walk off while Sabrina finishes sucking her fingers.

Sabrina- (To herself) My aunts did this to me, they put weird thoughts in my head. I am not getting hooked on pancakes.

A student walks past with a cardboard carton. Sabrina grabs his arm pulling him to a stop.

Sabrina- Hey! what’s in there?

She prizes the carton lid open.

Sabrina- (Cont.) French-toast. Move along.

Int. Spellman Upstairs landing. Hilda stands watching as Zelda inspects the linen closet with a tool belt strapped round her hips.

Zelda- I can’t find anything wrong with the linen closet, except that musty grandmothery smell, but that came with the house.

Hilda- Well then why am I the only one it refuses to transport to the Other Realm?

Zelda- You don’t still have that plate in your head do you?

Hilda- Do you think it’s that plate in my head?

Int. Spellman Living room. The sisters come down the stairs.

Zelda- Have you done or said anything lately that might have angered the Witches Council?

Hilda- Of course not, I’ve been an absolute peach.

A speck of light appears in the room and grows to let in a man in a raincoat and a motorcycle cop.

Hilda- (Cont.) Or perhaps I’ve done something.

The man in the raincoat flashes his badge.

Andrews- Andrews, Witch Immigration.

Zelda- Immigration?

Hilda- Well you’ve obviously made a gigantic mistake. My sister and I have lived here for over two hundred years.

Andrews- Well we’ve had a report that someone in this house has been living in the mortal realm illegally, without filling out the proper paperwork.

Hilda- Ha-ha-ha-ha, paper work. (Aside to Zelda) Offer him a bribe.

Andrews- I have to run a F.I.T. That’s a field immigration test.

He pulls out a card from his inside pocket and hands it to Zelda.

Andrews- (Cont.) Read this sentence aloud please.

Zelda- Fine. (Reading) ‘We went out and about again and again in our Ford Falcon’

He takes the card from her and hands it to Hilda.

Andrews- You’re next.

Hilda- I’ve got nothing to hide. (Reading) ‘We went oot and aboot agin and agin in oor Furd Falcon.’

She hands back the card.

Andrews- (To the cop) Arrest her.

Hilda- What! Those results were completely inconclusive hey!

Zelda- Hilda! You never filled out your paperwork to live in this realm?

Hilda- It was two hundred years ago, I was busy chopping wood and trying to keep Ben Franklin’s hands off me.

The cop drags Hilda off upstairs towards the linen closet.

Zelda- Where are you taking her?

Andrews- Back to the Northern sector of the Other Realm, where she came from.

Zelda- (Calling after) Hilda, I’ll Fed-ex you your cap w-with the ear flaps.

Int. Westbridge High School. Algebra class. Sabrina’s sat beside her true-love Harvey and is feeling a little jittery. she reaches across and takes his hand in hers, pulls it towards her and goes to kiss it. He pulls it away.

Harvey- Stop trying to lick my hands! There’s no syrup on them.

She starts chewing her finger-nails instead.

Mrs. Quick- Okay, today I’d like to spend some time making a list of possible ways to raise some money for this years prom.

Sabrina fidgets nervously. Her whole body prickling with a demanding need.

Mrs. Quick- Anyone?... Anyone at all?

Libby raises her hand.

Libby- Last year I wrote, produced and modelled in a fabulous fashion show.

Mrs. Quick- Didn’t that lose six hundred dollars?

Libby- So? I got to keep my wardrobe.

Harvey- We could raffle off a Cadillac.

Mrs Quick- Do you know someone who has one?

Harvey- No, I’m just an idea man.

Sabrina leans over to the student on her left.

Sabrina- I’m in the mood for pancakes, are you holding?

Mrs. Quick- Sabrina, you usually have good ideas. What sort of a fund-raiser would you suggest?

Sabrina- PANCAKES!

Everyone jumps at her shout and turn to look at her.

Mrs. Quick- Are you suggesting we have a pancake breakfast to raise money?

Sabrina- No-no, I wouldn’t want to have breakfast with those soft, flaky, fluffy, buttery, melt in your mouth. DO YOU HAVE ANY?!

Mrs. Quick- I think it’s a charming idea. A pancake breakfast it is. Sabrina, you’re drooling.

Int. Spellman Living room. Zelda paces worried about Hilda. The phone rings.

Zelda- Hilda?

Int. A bar in the Northern Sector of the Other Realm. It’s full of hill-billy rednecks and mountain-men and Hilda. She’s on an old crank handle phone.

Hilda- Zelda, can you hear me? You’ve got to get me oot of here.

A man and a table crash to the ground as he loses an arm-wrestling bout, with what looks like a bear, and a fight breaks out.

Zelda- Are you all right? Is it just awful?

Hilda- Well, somebody just traded me for some badger pelts, so to answer your question, Yes, it is awful.

One of the combatants falls to the floor at Hilda’s feet and tries to pull himself up using her leg.

Hilda- Do you mind?

She grabs a bottle from a table and smashes it over his head. He crumples unconscious to the floor.

Hilda- (Cont.) I’m trying to have a conversation here. (Down the phone) Alright, where were we? Oh yeah, HELP!

Zelda- Don’t worry, I’ll think of something.

A glass smashes against the wall by Hilda’s head, right on a picture of William Shatner. She hangs up the phone and turns to the brawling men.

Hilda- Okay Frenchy, that’s it, you’re oot of here.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina riffles through every cupboard and cabinet desperately looking for a fix.

Sabrina- There’s got to be something in this house that tastes like pancakes!

She fling open the refrigerator door.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh! Maple cured ham.

She pulls out a complete ham joint and takes a bite.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Yuck! Stupid things just ham.

Zelda enters carrying a pile of papers.

Zelda- Hello Sabrina.

Sabrina- Oh er. Home from school, felt like a snack. Maybe fruit!

She grabs a chocolate sauce bottle and an apple and quickly finds the combination lacks a certain pancake-iness.

Zelda- I’ve got to fill in all these forms or your aunt Hilda will be trapped in the Other Realm forever, which I know has it’s up-side but she is my sister after all.

Sabrina forces a laugh.

Zelda- (Cont.) Honey are you all right? Your hand is shaking.

Sabrina- I don’t think so. Um maybe your eyes are shaking.

She dashes off into the living room. Zelda shrugs and gets down to her paperwork.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina enters and sits herself down on the settee.

Sabrina- (To herself) Okay, I know I can just sit here, watch TV and not think about pancakes.

She picks up the remote and clicks the TV on. A cop show is on.

TV- Vince, you’ve broken every rule in the book. You can’t eat pancakes during a high-speed chase.

She quickly hits the channel button. Ah a documentary.

TV- Rommel’s dilemma came down to one agonising choice, Hitler or pancakes.

Another channel. A call-in talk show.

TV- Hello, you’re on Love Lines. (Caller) I like pancakes...

With a scream of frustration she hits the off button and runs upstairs.

Int. Spellman living room. Late that night. Salem trots down the stairs after everyone has settled down to sleep.

Salem- Jeez! I’m the only cat I know who has insomnia. Maybe it’s that twenty-two hour nap I took today. Is that a light I see in the kitchen?

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem pads in to find Sabrina up and about. About to make pancakes the mortal way. The counter-top is littered with ingredients and she stirs maniacally at a bowl of pancake batter.

Salem- Sabrina!

She spins round caught and drops the bowl. It lands upside down spilling its contents over the floor.

Sabrina- Argh! No! No!

She squats down desperately trying to scoop the batter back into the bowl.

Salem- You’re makin’ pancakes aren’t you. You’re hooked! You’re a flap-jack fiend!

Sabrina- No I’m not! I’m Not!... Yes I am. I’m hooked, and you know what? There’s a big pancake breakfast tomorrow at school and everyone’s gonna know my shameful secret. You’ve gotta help me.

Salem- I’ll help you through this Sabrina. There’s no problem you and I can’t solve together, except maybe world hunger... and war... and global warming. Maybe we can’t solve this problem.

Int. Spellman dining room. Salem reads the magic book sitting beside the Lab-top while Sabrina paces.

Salem- Okay, we can brew up a syrup that’ll make you hate the taste of pancakes. You can take it with you to school and pour it on before you take that first bite. It’ll taste so bad...

Sabrina clamps her hands round Salem’s throat cutting of his words with a croak.

Sabrina- Quit flappin’ your lips cat and give me the first ingredient.

Salem- (In strangled voice) You’re crushing on my Adams-apple!

She lets go.

Salem- (Cont.) Oyster-juice.

Sabrina grabs the file of oyster-juice and pours it into a beaker but her hands shake so badly it mostly goes on the floor.

Salem- (Cont.) Great, now this time in the beaker.

Int. Westbridge High School. Cafeteria. Sabrina enters clutching a syrup-jar and passes Mrs. Quick with a plate full of pancakes.

Mrs. Quick- Oh Sabrina, you brought your own syrup.

Sabrina- Yeah. I’m... germophobic.

Mrs. Quick- Me too, I brought gloves.

She holds up a pair of surgical gloves. Sabrina goes and sits opposite Harvey who has a plate full of pancakes. There’s also a plateful waiting for Sabrina. In fact the whole room is saturated in pancakes.

Harvey- Hey, I saved you a seat and I got you an extra big stack.

Sabrina- U-hu, I’m just gonna have a bite.

Harvey- Yesterday they were all you could talk about?

Sabrina- Oh so women should be seen and not heard, is that it?

Harvey- Are you okay? Is that twitch new?

Libby- Hey Sabrina, this one fell on the floor.

She holds up a pancake with a boot-print on it.

Libby- (Cont.) I thought you might like it.

Sabrina- Okay, what’s the catch?

Libby- Ew! squared.

She leaves.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) I’m just gonna put my syrup on these and then...

She looks at the end of the table where she had put her syrup-jar but it’s gone.

Sabrina- (Cont.) My syrup! Where’s my syrup?!

She looks up in time to see a dinner-lady putting a tray full of syrup-jars identical to hers on a table. She leaps up.

Sabrina- (Cont.) NO! WAIT!

But it’s too late. Hands reach for syrup-jars from all directions and they’re all gone. Everyone turns round looking at Sabrina.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ve gotta get out of here.

She heads for the door but passes Libby’s table on the way and overhears Libby talking to a friend.

Libby- Oh these tastes awful!

Sabrina- (Under her breath) My syrup! (To Libby) Just one bite.

She snatches Libby’s fork-full and pops it in her mouth.

Sabrina- Hey! They’re not awful, they’re delicious!

Libby- They’re blueberry. I don’t like blueberry.

Sabrina- Oh-no! More! I need more!

She grabs up the complete stack from Libby’s plate and starts munching furiously

Sabrina- (Cont.)(With her mouth full) What are you all sitting there for? I need pancakes!!

She runs to her own seat and her own stack vanish into her mouth in seconds while she’s already looking round for more. Nobody is safe as she runs round the cafeteria pinching pancakes from peoples plates, forks and out of their mouths.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Want more pancakes!

A dinner-lady chooses that moment to walk in pushing a trolley loaded with a fresh batch straight off the hob. Sabrina descends on them like a bird of prey, picking up a whole stack and literally pouring them down her gullet. She wipes her hand across her mouth and looks about the room full a stunned faces watching her antics.

Sabrina- (To herself) I hope nobody noticed that.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda’s still buried under the pile of paperwork.

Zelda- Finally, I’ve filled out the last of Hilda’s immigration papers. (Reading as she writes) Emergency, please rush.

She stamps the envelope and sits back.

Zelda- (Cont.) Now to get them to the Other Realm.

She stands and slips the envelopes into the pouch hanging from the shoulder of the pony-express rider who’s waiting in the kitchen. The rider tips his hat and gallops off to the linen closet on his wooden pony.

Salem- Why do you still use the pony-express?

Zelda- I got a coupon a hundred and fifty years ago.

Salem- He could have at least cleaned up after his horse. There are wood-shavings everywhere.

The toaster pings and an envelope pops up.

Zelda- That was fast, I was worried he wouldn’t make it through Camanchee country. (Reading) ‘Thank you for filing your request for a change in immigration status. Please expect a response within five to ten working years.’ Years!!

Salem- Ooh that’s too bad, I am really going to miss... er... Helga?

Zelda- I can't wait years to get Hilda out of that frozen purgatory. If I want my sister back I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands.

Salem- You’re gonna form your own rag-tag band of commando’s

The door-bell rings.

Sabrina- (OS) Aunt Zelda, help!

Zelda- Sabrina?

Int. Spellman Living Room. The door-bell rings urgently as Zelda reaches the door. She opens it to reveal the Goodyear blimp with Sabrina’s head perched on top.

Sabrina- I think I’m retaining water... or syrup.

Zelda- Oh dear, I think I know what’s happened here. Let’s get you inside.

Easier said than done. They might have to take the door-frame out first. Zelda gets a good grip and pulls

Zelda- Suck it in!

Sabrina- I am!

And like a stubborn cork she eventually pops through sending Zelda flying.

Later. Zelda’s called in the professional. The pre-pubescent doctor examines his patient and rubs his chin thoughtfully.

Dr. Brickman- How many pancakes did you eat?

Sabrina- I don’t know, I lost count after the first five-hundred.

Salem- Y’know there’s a bright future for this girl in professional wrestling.

Sabrina gives him the glare. Like that ever worked.

Zelda- Salem! That was totally un-called for. Sabrina, you’re crushing my foot.

Dr. Brickman- You should’ve listened to your aunts but I realise that young people sometimes think they know more than their elders.

Zelda- Kids?

The doctor nods agreement knowingly.

Dr. Brickman- Now the first thing to do is to get you back to normal size.

He reaches into his case and pulls out his magic syringe. A quick jab releases a hurricane of built up fat blowing the doctor, Zelda and Salem back. When it subsides Sabrina’s back to her usual slim self.

Sabrina- Ahh! Thank you doctor Brickman. I’m cured.

She sits down on the settee and pulls a rolled up pancake out of her back pocket and goes to take a bite.

Zelda- Sabrina!!

Sabrina- It’s a crape!

Dr. Brickman snatches it from her.

Dr. Brickman- You have to go cold-turkey. I know it’s hard. When I gave up red-meat I was ready to kill but I had to, the old ticker.

He taps his chest.

Sabrina- Fine, I’ll-I’ll start my recovery right now. I hear there’s a twelve-step meeting at er.. Howard Johnson’s.

She tries to run for the door but Zelda intercepts her and drags her by the hand upstairs.

Int. Sabrina’s Bedroom. Zelda pulls Sabrina in preceded by Salem.

Sabrina- Oh. How long do I have to stay in here?

Zelda- It may take a few hours, it may take a few days but there’s no other way to beat this thing.

Sabrina- Couldn’t this just be one of those things we just accept?

Zelda- Honey, I’ll be back as soon as I can. I’ve got to go to the Other Realm to rescue Hilda, but Salem, if there’s an emergency you know where to call right?

Salem- The money store?

He gets a double glare.

Salem- (Cont.) Yes, I have your pager number.

Zelda- Oh don’t worry, I went through the same pancake detox years ago. You’ll get through it.

She gives her niece a big hug

Zelda- (Cont.) Just remember, it’s times like these that build character.

Sabrina- I don’t want character, I want pancakes.

Zelda leaves, locking the door behind her and Sabrina throws herself backwards onto the bed. She sits up and looks at the clock. It’s 6:00

Sabrina- Keep busy, that’ll make the time go by.

She sits on her bed reading a magazine. It seems like she’s been reading for hours and glances up at the clock. It’s 6:01.

She pulls open her wardrobe door and the piled up mess of clothes tumbles out. She looks at the clock. It’s 6:05. She takes off her sweater and dives in.

Every item of clothing is neatly folded and in it’s proper place and she steps back pleased with her work before checking the time. It’s 6:10.

Salem passes the time by reading a book. ‘Twixt Twelve and Twenty’ by Pat Boone. He nods off on the first page.

Having straightened her wardrobe she sets about doing the same to the rest of her room. It’s never been so neat and tidy. It’s totally unnatural and when she’s finished it’s 6:12.

She pushes her bed aside and finds the home of all lost things. Anything that had ever gone missing anywhere had found it’s way here. She looks at the clock. It’s 6:05. Huh??

She picks up the clock and gives it a good shake before throwing it out of the window. Fed up she sits on her chaise-lounge and throws herself backwards onto her bed... Which would have been fine and dandy if she hadn’t pushed it aside earlier. She kicks her feet in the air in frustration thinking ‘Man, I need a pancake!’

Int. A bar in the Northern Sector of the Other Realm. Hilda takes a break from serving customers and throwing them out into the bitter wasteland. She sits at a table with a whisky while one of the regulars, for about the last thousand years, tries out his realm renowned chat up lines.

Toothless Guy- I’ve got eighteen kids, sure could use a mama.

He takes hold of Hilda’s hand and smiles showing a fine set of gums. Hilda wrenches her hand free and grimaces as Zelda bursts in.

Zelda- Hilda!

Hilda- Oh Zelda!

She jumps up and hugs her sister.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh please tell me you have my citizenship papers. At midnight it’s crazy Clondyke bride days.

Zelda- No, we’ll sneak you across the border. It’s our only hope.

Hilda- Are you sure? It’s so dangerous. We could get lost in the storm and freeze to death. We could be eaten by bears.

Toothless Guy- Not if you were my wife you wont.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh come on Zelda, mush!

She grabs her coat and they make like shepherds and get the flock out o' there.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. All is in darkness and in it we make out Sabrina curled up in a fetal ball asleep. The sounds and twitches coming from her show that her dreams aren’t restful.

Sabrina- (In her sleep) No! Blueberry!

Daylight comes with a rush and Sabrina wakens to the sound of people partying. She leaps up and runs to the door pulling it open. Instead of the landing she sees the hallway of the school jammed with students having a ball. One dances past her door with a plate full of pancakes smothered in syrup. Everybody has pancakes and as the music starts up they dance. Sabrina walks into the happy melees where the sign no-longer reads Westbridge High School but Pancake High. Harvey’s in an apron and chef’s hat deftly flipping pancakes to passing students. as the ensemble start to sing.

Everyone- (Singing) Flap-jacks, Bill Gates, flan-cakes, oat-cakes.
We love cakes, give us more cakes...

Sabrina’s whisked up by the dancers and carried into the cafeteria.

Everyone- (Singing) Build ‘em up, stack ‘em up ten miles high.
Pour on the syrup and my oh-my.
Cakes on the griddle, fillin’ up your middle.

Mrs. Quick- (Solo) The answer to the riddle is cakes on the griddle.

Everyone- (Singing) That’s right,
The answer to the riddle is cakes on the griddle.
That’s right,
The answer to the riddle is cakes on the griddle.
That’s right,
The answer to the riddle is cakes on the griddle.
That’s right,
The answer to the riddle is cakes on the griddle.

Sabrina screams and runs from the cafeteria.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina lies asleep on her bed. A frown line marring her forehead. She awakens and sits up.

Sabrina- Salem, you’ve gotta get me out o' here.

Salem- Hey Sabrina.

She looks across at him on her desk and sees a plate of syrup covered pancakes with Salem’s head on top. A lump of butter is melting on it.

Salem- (Cont.) Hungry? Ha-ha-ha!

She screams and tries to run for the door but collides with a giant syrup-jar with a woman’s syrup covered head on top.

Sabrina- Who are you?!

Mrs. Mapleton- Why I’m Mrs. Mapleton. I’m the syrup dispenser of your dreams.

Sabrina- What are you doing here? What do you want?

Mrs. Mapleton- I’m here to help you dear.

Sabrina- Can you get me out of this room?

Mrs. Mapleton- Of course, we’ll go someplace where you’ll feel safe and happy. Take hold of my handle. Oh, sorry if it’s a little sticky.

Sabrina- How can I be sure I can trust you? I mean, after all you’re a giant syrup dispenser.

Mrs. Mapleton- So I guess that means I’m not a good person? Come on.

Int. The International Pancake House. Mrs. Mapleton leads Sabrina in. There are people from all over the world in national costume siting at the tables and enjoying pancakes. Flags hang from the ceiling.

Sabrina- Where are we?

Mrs. Mapleton- We’re at the International Pancake House.

Sabrina- Oh great, now that I’m trying to kick pancakes, a good place to take me.

Mrs. Mapleton- Everyone’s here because they love pancakes, just like you do.

Sabrina- But I don’t wanna be hooked on pancakes. I-I-I’ve forgot about my friends, I’ve forgot about my family. All I could think about was getting more pancakes, eating more pancakes, the butter, the syrup. Maybe I’ll just have one little stack.

She sits at a table and picks up the fork.

Mrs. Mapleton- There’s nothing wrong with liking pancakes.

Sabrina looks round at the people enjoying their meals. A Scotsman eating haggis pancakes, a Swiss eating chocolate covered pancakes, an Indian couple tucking into extra-hot vindaloo pancakes.

Mrs. Mapleton- (Cont.) Why should you have to suffer and spend your whole life craving something you can’t have?

Sabrina- But if I stay here I’ll never see my aunts or my friends again.

Mrs. Mapleton- Friends hurt you, friends cancel plans, pancakes don’t. They smell delicious. Why not take just one - little - bite?

The temptation is enormous.

Sabrina- Well since the fork is here.

She fights it but it’s so, so hard.

Ext. Northern Sector of the Other Realm. A lone-wolf’s howl travels for miles across the snow covered mountains, echoing amongst the evergreen valleys. A pair of well muffled people come out of the woodland.

Zelda- Oh there it is, the border to the mortal realm.

Hilda- Oh we’ve made it.

Mountie- Freeze!

The red coated police officer steps out of the trees blocking their path.

Hilda- Oh, like we could do anything else in this weather.

Mountie- Where do you think you’re going?

Zelda- To the mortal realm, to our home.

Hilda- So we’ll be on our way and you can get back to chasing Snidely Whiplash.

Mountie- Before I can let you go I have to ask you a few questions about the mortal realm to prove you live there. Standard procedure.

Zelda- Fire away. I do have three PhD’s

The Mountie holds up his clip-board.

Mountie- (Reading) ‘What are the names of the Hansen brothers?’

Zelda- Who?

Hilda- Isaac, Zachary and Taylor.

Mountie- (Reading) ‘What actor, from Marcus Wellby, just married Barbara Striesand?’

Zelda- Oh. Oh. Robert Young.

Hilda- James Brogan.

Mountie- (Reading) Sports: Who’s the best...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Michael Jordan!

Mountie- Correct, you can go.

Hilda- Yes!

She and Zelda high five and start to move past the Mountie but he holds out an arm and stops Zelda.

Mountie- Oh not you, her.

Zelda- But-but-but!

Mountie- You didn’t answer one question. There’s no-way you live in the mortal realm.

Zelda- But I do! I-I know who wrote ‘Pride and Prejudice’ I-I-I know who-who discovered the uranium isotope. I...

Mountie- (Interrupting) Nobody in the mortal realm knows those things.

He takes her arm and drags her back into the snowy wilderness.

Zelda- (Calling after) Hilda!

Hilda- (Calling back) I’ll help you Zelda. Go back to the bar and wait for me. You’ll be okay, tonight’s ladies-night and you’ll be the only lady.

Int. The International Pancake House. Sabrina still fights her awful craving but it’s getting harder as Mrs. Mapleton enlists the help of all the other patrons to tempt her.

Patrons- (Chanting) Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Sabrina? Eat! Eat! Sabrina?

Something’s shaking her.

Sabrina- There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!

Hilda- Sabrina!

She gives her sleeping niece an extra vigorous shake waking her from her nightmare.

Hilda- (Cont.) It’s okay, it’s aunt Hilda.

Sabrina- Is it over?

Hilda- There’s only one way to be sure.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Hilda pushes a conjured up plate of extra tasty pancakes with lashings of mouth watering syrup and a big dollop of butter under Sabrina’s nose. Sabrina picks up the fork but forcefully slams it back down on the table.

Sabrina- No!

Hilda- Oh very good. So how do you feel?

Sabrina- Like I want pancakes, but I guess that’s how I’m always gonna feel. I’ll just have to take it one day at a time.

Hilda- I’m so proud of you.

Sabrina- I should start getting my life back together. I’m off to the mall.

Hilda- Not so fast! If aunt Zelda was here she’d give you some kind of parental lecture but because she’s still waiting for me to save her I’ll have to fill-in. Um Sabrina You...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Should listen to you guys and trust your advice.

Hilda- Right! And...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Realise that it’s easier to solve problems when I ask for help.

Hilda- Exactly and always...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Know that my family is there for me.

Hilda- Right! Man, I am good.

There’s a crash of thunder from upstairs.

Zelda- (OS) Sabrina! Hilda! Come quick!

Sabrina and Hilda run upstairs.

Int. Spellman Upstairs Landing. A blizzard blows through the linen closet door and Zelda is struggling to close it. With the help of Sabrina she manages to force it shut.

Salem- I guess it’s time to put chains on this hamper.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, You escaped.

Hilda- How did you get oot? I mean out?

Zelda- I was sitting there waiting for you in that awful saloon when...

Int. A bar in the Northern Sector of the Other Realm. Zelda is sat at the bar surrounded by mountain men watching ice-hockey on the TV. The men cheer and talk about the game, Zelda sits bored to tears. Some one has left the TV remote on the bar-top so Zelda picks it up and switches channels to a South Bank production of the ballet ‘Swan Lake’

Zelda- Oh! I don’t know how many of you are familiar with Swan Lake but...

She is pelted with pea-nuts, shot glasses and abuse from everyone in the bar.

Int. Spellman Upstairs Landing.

Zelda- The next thing I know I was being tossed across the border, but Sabrina, how are you?

Sabrina- Oh I’m fine. Aunt Hilda helped me through it.

Zelda- Oh well I’m glad Hilda helped someone.

She glares at her sister.

Sabrina- I’m just glad not to be hallucinating anymore. Oh hi Mrs. M.

Mrs. Mapleton smiles at her as she passes.

Salem- Who is she talking to?

All three of them look at Sabrina.

Sabrina- I was... She was...

Her eyes roll up in their sockets and she crumples to the floor in a faint.

Zelda- Hard day.

Hilda- Lots of sugar.

They bend down to see to the unconscious teenager.

Int. A bar in the Northern Sector of the Other Realm. A nuisance drunk is bothering the barman.

Salem- You know Charlie? You’re my only friend. <Sob> You’re my only friend in the whole wide world. <Sob, sob>

The door opens and Sabrina steps out of the blizzard in her designer ski-jacket.

Sabrina- Salem! How many cat-nip mai thai's have you had?

Salem- What’s it to you?

Run credits

Sabrina- Salem this has gone too far. Your litter-box is a mess, you can’t keep your cat-food down, you owe money in pet-stores all over town. You should admit that you’ve become powerless over cat-nip, that your life has become unmanageable.

Salem- D’you know what Shabrina? You’re my only frie-friend in this whole wide world. <Sob, sob>

Sabrina- Okay. Let's get you home before you start singing show-tunes.

She picks Salem up and heads for the door.

Salem- My mother was a saint! <Sob> I can take anyone in this place.



Pic of the Week