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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Season Opener

Written By - Holly Hester
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Valerie - Lindsey Sloan
Mr. Kraft - Martin Mull
Doris - Carol Ann Susi
Dashiell - Donald Adeosun Faison
Yuri - Rick Cramer
Sherman - Henry Cong

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman Living Room. Salem is sat in his favourite spot behind the settee reading as Sabrina and Harvey get back from their date.

Sabrina- No really, I did.

Harvey- Right! You’re just making excuses because you missed an easy shot.

Sabrina- I chose not to hit the golf-ball in the giant clowns mouth because I didn’t want to cause internal injuries.

Harvey- I had a great time tonight Sabrina.

Sabrina- Me too.

There’s a pregnant pause.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Harvey! You’re doing it again.

Harvey- Sorry. I’m just wondering where you’re at with the ‘me or Dashiell, my short life will come to an abrupt end if you don’t pick me' situation?

Sabrina- Wow, it would help me to know where you stood. I just haven’t made up my mind yet.

With a magical suddenness the other half of the equation is sat on the settee with his feet up and holding a bouquet of flowers. Sabrina spots him and gives a yelp of surprise.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh Dashiell! Um, oh you’ve got a delivery job at the florist who has keys for our house.

Dashiell- For you.

He hands over the flowers.

Dashiell- (Cont.) So who’s it going to be? Me or er... I’m sorry, I forgot your name.

Sabrina- I know you guys want a decision and you’ve been really patient...

There’s a sudden stillness about the room.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...It’s just that I’m... talking to frozen people.

Two heads pop round the corner of the dinning room door.

Zelda- Sabrina! We did that to Harvey and Dashiell. We just couldn’t wait to give you the news.

Hilda- Don’t worry. They think they’re in line at the bank.

Zelda hands an envelope to Sabrina who reads the contents.

Sabrina- (Reading) 'Sabrina Spellman, please join us tomorrow for a ceremony honouring you for receiving your WITCHES LICENCE!!'

The three of them jump about with excitement and have a big three way hug.

Sabrina- (Cont.) This is so great and when I feel great I get suspicious. What’s the catch?

Hilda- No catch! And once you get your Witches Licence you’ll automatically have all the power and knowledge in the universe inside of you.

Zelda- And thanks to modern medicine it no longer requires invasive surgery.

Sabrina- So I’ll be able to decide between Harvey and Dash?

Hilda- Yeah.

Sabrina- Well what are we waiting for? Let’s go celebrate!

They dash off to the kitchen leaving the still forms of Harvey and Dashiell with just a black cat for company. Salem looks up from his book.

Salem- You two remind me of my first wife on our honeymoon. Ungower! Goodnight everyone, drive carefully.

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Mr. Kraft has something to say.

Mr. Kraft- Okay! Attention everyone. As you all know, this year Westbridge high ranked number one in the county on schoolboard exams. And so to celebrate what I can only assume to be flagrant cheating on the part of the entire student body, Principal Larue is giving you a dance this Friday.

A big cheer goes up from everyone in the hall.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) And the theme of the dance is a movie to be selected by an honour student who did particularly well on the exams...

He consults his clip board.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Oh boy. Sabrina Spellman.

Another round of applause goes round as Sabrina high-five’s with Valerie. Mr. Kraft heads for the doors with a sign taped to his back reading ‘I want my mummy’ Harvey goes over to Sabrina.

Harvey- Sabrina, will you go to the dance with me?

Sabrina- Oh I er...

Dashiell- (Interrupting) Hey Sabrina! Wanna go to the dance with me?

Sabrina looks around to see where the voice came from, a voice apperantly only she can hear. She can’t see him anywhere.

Dashiell- (Cont.) Down here.

She looks down into her lunch bowl to see his smiling face looking up at her. She gives a start

Sabrina- Um!

Harvey- I take it that’s a no?

Sabrina- Look, I can er, I can give you an answer tomorrow but first I have to go give the chef my compliments.

She takes her tray with the bowl of Dashiell towards the waste counter.

Sabrina- Dashiell! You’re going to get me in trouble. I-I can’t be talking to you when you’re in a cream sauce!

She looks around furtively to make sure no-one saw her talking to her lunch.

Dashiell- I can’t be responsible for my actions Sabrina. I care about you too much.

Sabrina- Oh that’s sweet. You know I had a lot of fun going to dinner in Atlantis the other night. The fish was good but the chips were kind of soggy.

Dashiell- Great! So say yes and go to the dance with me.

Sabrina- Look, I can tell you more tomorrow. I’ll know so much more about everything tomorrow.

Two girls have come up behind her and heard her talking to her lunch. Sabrina looks at them then tips Dashiell into the waste bin.

Dashiell- Aaargh!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda enters to find Salem on the lap-top.

Salem- There’s nothing greater in life than creaming someone at chess over the Internet.

Hilda- You said the same thing last week about finding food in the couch.

Zelda enters with the mobile phone to her ear.

Zelda- Okay, bye.

She switches it off and hangs it on the wall unit.

Zelda- (To Hilda) That was Mr. Kraft. He want’s us to chaperone the dance with him Friday night. I told him we’d love to.

Hilda- Oh-no! Me and Willard Kraft at a dimly lit dance together? Ugh! You know what that means?

Salem- A stolen moment in the janitors closet?

Hilda- No. It means I’ll have to spend my whole evening avoiding him. Which means no time to make fun of how the awkward kids dance.

Zelda- I may have the answer to your troubles. What if I asked him to be my date?

Hilda- Oh, I couldn’t ask you to that.

Zelda- Well actually I find him attractive.

Hilda- Oh-no! Salem, Zelda has a brain lesion!

Zelda- But if you have any problem with it what so ever, I-I-I won’t ask him.

Hilda- Me? Why would I have a problem with it? I mean he’s not my boyfriend. You know, in fact you would be doing me a favour.

Zelda- Well great! Then I’ll ask him.

Zelda leaves.

Salem- Wow! You must feel like a huge loser. Huh? Who said that?

But it’s too late as the carrot from the salad Hilda’s been making beams the cat between the ears.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina and Valerie walk together laughing at a private joke but the smiles evaporate as Mr. Kraft comes by and collars Sabrina.

Mr. Kraft- Miss Spellman.

He moves Sabrina away from Valerie who shrugs and goes her own way.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Have you reached a decision on a movie theme for the dance yet?

Sabrina- Oh well I was kinda leaning towards either ‘Saturday night fever’ or ‘Grease’

Mr. Kraft- I’ve never heard of those films.

Sabrina- Really? Did you hear world war two ended?

Mr. Kraft- Miss Spellman, you should be aware that I have final approval on your choice. Therefore I strongly suggest that you choose my favourite film. ‘Billy Jack’

Sabrina- I’ve never heard of it.

She turns at her locker and starts to open it.

Mr. Kraft- You’re just saying that because I just said it.

Sabrina- No. I-I really haven’t and I think that it should really be my...

The locker door opens and she sees a miniature Dashiell in a white seventies style suit complete with flares and wide collared silk shirt open to the waist imitating John Travolta from ‘Saturday night fever’ The disco music pumps out as he dances and she quickly closes the locker again cutting off the sight and the sound.

Mr. Kraft- Look, I told you kids, Boom-boxes are not allowed on school property.

He opens her locker and looks inside.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) And I was...

The locker is empty except for a few school books.

Mr. Kraft- (To himself) That’s it! No more buying sushi at the gas-station.

He closes the locker and walks off with Sabrina smiling to herself behind him.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem’s still playing chess on the lap-top while Sabrina gets dressed up for her Witches Licence ceremony.

Sabrina- Just think Salem, after today’s ceremony I’ll be able to choose between Harvey and Dash. My life will be forever changed.

Salem- Well what’s a good counter-move when someone steals your bishop?

Sabrina- You didn’t hear a word I said.

Salem- Sabrina, an Albanian potato farmer’s whooping me in chess! You gotta help me, I hate to lose!

Sabrina- Well sorry Salem, I don’t know how to play chess so I guess you’re just going to have to accept your fate and learn to lose with some dignity.

Salem- Well would you at least help me type in my response?

She leans down at the keyboard and as Salem dictates, she types.

Salem- Dear Yuri. You have a big nose.

Sabrina- Salem, I’m not typing that.

Salem- You didn’t let me finish. I was going to say, you have a big nose... for an ignorant monkey. Now chop-chop! Start typing.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda and Hilda come up stairs with some laundry.

Hilda- Is it facial hair? Do you have an unquenchable desire for men with facial hair?

Zelda- Hilda, will you please stop? I’m not going to tell you why I like Willard.

They dump their used towels in the linen basket.

Hilda- Willard! Oh now you’re calling him Willard! Gee Zelda, when’s the wedding?

Sabrina comes out of her bedroom all dolled up for her do.

Zelda- Honey! Oh you look beautiful!

Sabrina- Thanks. I’m a little nervous about getting my Witches Licence. I wish you guys could go with me.

Hilda- I know but parents and guardians have been banned ever since the invention of the cam-corder.

Sabrina- Well, take a good look. This might be my last moment of humility.

She enters the linen closet and is zapped to the Other Realm. Hilda turns to Zelda.

Hilda- Does he have some inheritance that I don’t know about?

Int. The Other Realm. The Witch Licence Bureau. Like in all government offices the people who finance it wait patiently in line, usually to be told it’s the wrong line when they get to the end of it. Sabrina is zapped straight to the front and looks around disappointed. She feels a little overdressed and approaches the teller.

Sabrina- Hi, there must be some mistake. I’m supposed to be at a party for my Witches Licence. My name is Sabrina Spellman.

The teller checks her computer.

Teller- Nope. You’re in the right place.

Sabrina- It can’t be! It’s supposed to be this huge celebration!

She looks around at the plainly dressed witches queuing, bored.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Look, I can take care of this all at home. Um, can I have my licence?

Teller- You have to complete one more test before I can issue it.

Sabrina- What’s the test?

Teller- What is the most dangerous time to ride your vacuum? During ‘A’ Heavy rain. ‘B’ Light rain. ‘C’ Hail?

Sabrina- Really! That’s the whole test?

Teller- A, B or C please?

Sabrina- Well that’s easy. ‘B’ Light rain.

Teller- Congratulations, you passed and please remember, witching is a privilege, not a right.

She raises the rubber stamp and brings it down on the form in front of her and a massive whoosh of magic is released turning the room from a drab government office to a plush ball room. All the tired and dreary people change in an instant to elegantly dresses, dancing party-goers.

Sabrina- Now this is more like it!

Hilda and Zelda- (Singing) For she’s a jolly good wi-itch...

They enter dressed up to the nines and carrying between them a huge cake with a plethora of candles.

Hilda and Zelda- (Cont.) For she’s a jolly good wi-itch.
For she’s a jolly good wi-i-tch.
Which nobody can deny.

Everyone claps as Sabrina is hugged by her aunts and blows out the candles.

Sabrina- Wow! You guys made it!

Hilda- Sorry we had to fool you but there’s a silly rule that if you tell anyone about their ceremony, the Witches Council cut’s your tongue out. I see Hors d’eurves!

She leaves to mingle.

Zelda- Sabrina! I believe you two have already met.

She brings over the teller who has made the effort by putting on a grey hat to go with her grey uniform. Other than that she looks just as dull and bored as she had earlier. She’s carrying a camera.

Zelda- (Cont.) This is your cousin Doris.

Sabrina- Wow! You were in on this the whole time? How’d ya keep a straight face?

Doris- I was classically trained.

Sabrina- Oh well it was nice to meet...

The camera’s flash goes off blinding Sabrina.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...You. What was that for?

Doris- Your Witches Licence photo.

Doris leaves smiling.

Sabrina- But I-I wasn’t ready! It’s going to be awful! Hasn’t the woman ever heard of the phrase ‘Cheese’?

Hilda- Oh come on Sabrina, Everyone thinks they’ve got the worst Witches Licence picture.

Doris is back at her counter and has developed the picture and laminated it onto the licence. She sends it floating over to Sabrina and her aunts. It’s the worst witches licence picture. One eye closed the other squinting. a grimace on her lips. Beside it on witches licence W5664522 is her name and address, Sabrina Spellman, 133 Collins Rd, Westbridge, MA 01970. Sex: F, Hair: Blonde, Eyes: Blue, Hgt; 5’4", Wgt: 105. Underneath is her signature and the valid from and to dates.

Zelda- And you’ll be no exception.

Sabrina- Oh Doris, could you take another one? This one’s terrible.

Doris- Are you saying you don’t like my workmanship?

Zelda- Doris, calm down. Sabrina didn’t mean that...

Doris- (Interrupting) Because when people don’t like my workmanship I get angry...

Zelda grabs Sabrina and pulls her away.

Doris- (Cont.) And when I get angry I...

Zelda and Hilda dive for cover under the table dragging Sabrina with them. The rest of the guests fight to get away. All bar one man who is intent on his vol-au-vent. Doris isn’t the type of woman to keep her anger bottled up inside. she lets it out with abandon. A green, slimy goo flies from her finger tips and spatters all over the unsuspecting guest and his pastry. Sabrina stands with her aunts and looks across at the goo spattered guest.

Sabrina- Okay! Y’know what? The pictures fine. Let’s go.

She grabs for the licence that is still suspended over the cake but snatches her hand back as a magical shock shoots up her arm.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Aw!

She reaches for it again with the same result.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Aw!

Two go's is all she gets as the licence suddenly vanishes leaving Sabrina staring open mouthed at empty air.

Zelda- Sabrina, there’s something we have to tell you.

Sabrina- Besides the fact that my licence is electrocuting me?

Zelda- Before a witch can actually use her licence she has to discover her families secret.

Sabrina- Excuse me?

Hilda- Yeah. Our family has a lot of secrets but there’s one in particular that will break the spell on your licence and then you’ll be free to use it. Trust me, it’s a doozie.

Zelda- And to help you discover the secret, family members will visit us periodically and serve as your guide. Doris will be your first visitor.

Doris- I’m looking forward to it.

Sabrina- I can’t believe this. You’re telling me I can’t use my licence at all? Ah that means I have to decide between Harvey and Dashiell on my own? Like a normal teenager?

Zelda- I’m sorry honey.

Sabrina- This just... stinks!

Int. Westbridge High School Geography class. The class has ended and students are filling out as two students file in. Harvey and Dashiell approach Sabrina who’s gathering her books.

Harvey- Sabrina, we need to talk to you about your decision.

Sabrina- Oh. Right. Yeah my decision. Er well see a funny thing happened, I...

Dashiell- (Interrupting) You haven’t decided yet.

Sabrina- Boy, thanks for cutting me off there. I’d run out of steam on that one.

Harvey- Well we’ve come to a decision on our own.

Dashiell- We both really like you but we can’t keep waitin’ like this. So if you don’t decide by tomorrow, you don’t get either of us.

Harvey- And not just for the dance, forever.

They turn and leave. Sabrina hurries after them.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina runs out after the guys.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Well maybe we could do joint custody. You get me every other Christmas.

Valerie- I couldn’t help overhearing. Was it bad?

Sabrina- Awful. They gave me an ultimatum! What am I going to do?

Valerie- Er jump for joy that two guys are fighting over you?

Sabrina- It’s not that easy. This is one of the toughest decision’s I’ve ever had to make.

Valerie- I hate to bother you anymore but we need to know what theme you want the dance to be?

Sabrina- Oh I completely forgot about that. Er... make it 'Grease'.

Valerie- Okay but has Mr. Kraft approved that because I think this Billy Jack guy might be a friend of his.

Sabrina- I have too much on my mind to worry about what Mr. Kraft wants, just make it 'Grease' okay?

Sabrina rushes off.

Valerie- (Calling after) Oh you know Mr. Kraft is also open to a 'Mother, Jugs and Speed' theme.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is on the table with the lap-top as Hilda enters looking unhappy.

Salem- He-he-he! Hilda! What do you think of this letter? A-A-Hem. (Reading) ‘Dear Yuri. Congratulations. I’m amazed that a person of such low intelligence could defeat me in chess. Hats off to your mother for marrying your brother.’ I’ll stop. After that it gets a little mean.

Hilda- That’s nice Salem.

She buts the ice-pack she’s got from the freezer across her forehead.

Salem- Is something wrong?

Hilda- Yes something’s wrong! Zelda stole my boyfriend, that’s what’s wrong.

Salem- But I thought you despised Mr. Kraft? Last time you went out with him you came home and took a bath like Meryl Streep did in ‘Silkwood’

Hilda- Yeah but haven’t you ever had a person in your life who you find truly revolting and the thought of them touching you makes you gag but you keep them around because they compliment you?

Salem- That’s what they teach in church.

Hilda- What am I gonna do?

Salem- Just go down to the school and ask him to the dance. He’ll get all mushy and say how he wishes he could go with you. So you’ll feel better but you’re in no danger of an actual date because you already know he’s going with Zelda.

Hilda- That’s not half bad!

She gets up and gives him a congratulatory stroking.

Salem- Hey, when you spend eight hours a day licking your butt you come up with a good idea every now and again.

Hilda stops stroking him and wipes her hand on her sweater.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Hilda’s not the only one in need of Salem’s feline wisdom.

Sabrina- I have to decide between Harvey and Dashiell by tomorrow and I have no idea who I’m gonna choose. What am I gonna do?

Salem- My dear, sweet, if not simple, Sabrina. Haven’t you learned anything from years of being under my tutelage?

Sabrina- That squirrels are meaner than they look?

Salem- Use the agicmey ookbey.

Sabrina- Of course! Why didn’t I think of that?

Sabrina climbs from the bed and sits at her desk to thumb through the magic book.

Salem- Look in the lurve section underneath King, marriages of Larry.

Sabrina- Oh, here’s one that’ll give you a physical manifestation of your feelings. It says if I use this spell correctly my heart will be revealed to me. Sounds gory.

Salem- Nah! The only spell that’s literal is the ‘heart on your sleeve’ spell. This just shows your true hearts desire.

Sabrina- All I have to do is sing the following song while placing my hand over my chest.

She stands and places her hand over her heart.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I feel kinda stupid, but at this point I’ll try anything. (Singing) What’s it all about Alfie?
Is it just for the moment we live?

Salem- <Sob> This song always makes me cry. <Sob! Sob!>

Sabrina- (Singing) What’s it all about Alfie...

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Valerie runs to catch Sabrina.

Valerie- Hey Sabrina! Mr. Kraft found out you picked ‘Grease’ and he’s looking for you.

Sabrina- When does that man do his job?

Valerie- He’s furious. Apparently he already had a ‘Billy Jack’ outfit. And I don’t mean he had it made for the party, I mean he already had it. Scary.

Sabrina- Look, you shouldn’t be seen with me. Save yourself.

Valerie- Thanks. This is me leaving.

She runs off and Sabrina opens her locker to put her bag in. The sound of jingling spurs makes her turn as around the corner two-gun Kinkle swaggers, match-stalk in his teeth, eyes shaded by the brim of his Stetson and a mean look in them.

Sabrina- Harvey? Okay, I’m going to have to start helping you buy your clothes.

The sound of cowboy boots on linoleum heralds the arrival of Deadeye Dashiell at the other end of the hallway and the two desperadoes square off, hands twitching by the handles of their six-guns. They stare unblinking into each others eyes as Sabrina’s flick from one to the other. Students hurry out of the way. Dashiell sneers, Harvey squints. A teacher drops his cup of coffee and runs for cover.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh-no! This must be the spell. They're going to fight over my heart! Being a witch’d be a lot easier without all the magic.

The two protagonists walk slowly towards one another with a bow-legged gait until they’re just a few yards apart.

Harvey- So Dashiell, you gotta ask yourself. Do you feel lucky?

Dashiell- I’ve always been lucky.

The slowly circle one another.

Sabrina- Hey look! Is that Vince Lombardi?

They aren’t distracted from their deadly intent.

Sabrina- (Cont.) It was worth a shot.

She steps back allowing Mr. Kraft to spot her from down the side hallway.

Mr. Kraft- Ah Sabrina! There you are.

Sabrina- Oh er,

She runs down the hallway to meet him and pushes him back a little so he doesn’t see the gunfight at the cafeteria hallway.

Mr. Kraft- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Sabrina- Mr. Kraft, if you hear anything in the next few minutes that sounds like gun-shots and the last pleading cries of a dying man, it’s not!

She puts her fingers in her ears and turns to look back down the hallway.

Mr. Kraft- Please do not try to change the subject. I am here to talk about the dance.

Sabrina- I don’t hear anything, do you?

Mr. Kraft- Well I thought I just heard myself speaking.

Sabrina- Really? I don’t. Er I should go have my ears checked.

She rushes off back round the corner.

Mr. Kraft- (Calling after) Sabrina!

The sound of galloping hooves echoes down the hallways.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.)(To himself) Funny, I don’t remember this school having a blacksmith.

Sabrina comes around the corner to find it deserted. A trash can beside her wobbles and she reaches into it and pulls Sherman up by his shirt collar.

Sabrina- Where’d they go?

Sherman- Don’t hurt me! I got a family.

She drops him back into his hiding place and goes in search of Dashiell and Harvey.

Int. School cafeteria. Sabrina enters and looks around at the students calmly eating lunch. She spots Valerie.

Sabrina- Valerie, has anything been weird in the cafeteria?

Valerie- The milk is fresh today.

Sabrina- Good! That’s good! Good! Everything’ll be fine as soon as I stop saying good.

But all good things must come to an end as Harvey comes through the cafeteria doors followed by Dashiell. This might have been good if they weren’t both dressed in fencing suits and masks and going at each other like Flynn. Errol Flynn that is. The sound of clashing blades echoes round the room as students stand a gape. The swords lock and the two get in close. Harvey heaves Dashiell away and he falls back onto a table but Dashiell roles aside just in time to avoid being shish kebabed. and again the blades lock bringing them face to face.

Harvey- (In an atrocious French accent) Prepare to die. My love of Sabrina is greater than my love of not bathing in movies with no plot.

Dashiell pushes Harvey away and sweeps his sword in a killing stroke. Harvey calmly raises his free hand.

Harvey- (Cont.) Hold on!

He opens the cafeteria doors and gestures grandly.

Harvey- (Cont.) Apres-vous.

Dashiell- Oh merci. Merci beaucoup.

He leaves the cafeteria and Harvey lunges after him with a cry. Sabrina goes to follow them but turns to Valerie and the rest of the students.

Sabrina- Those drama students. You know they really need a lot of attention.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes out of the cafeteria but there’s no sign of Harvey and Dashiell. She runs down the hallway just as Mr. Kraft comes through looking for her.

Mr. Kraft- Sabrina! Sabri...!

He doesn’t find Sabrina but he does find another Spellman waiting for him by the library door.

Hilda- (In an atrocious southern accent) Well my, my Willard. Just the Vice-Principle I wanted to see.

Mr. Kraft- Hilda! What are you doing here?

Hilda- Well I’ve come to see you silly-puss.

She links his arm and accompanies him down the hallway.

Hilda- (Cont.) I want to talk about you and me and a little dance we’re going to on Friday night.

Mr. Kraft- Oh! Hilda, I thought you knew. Your sister already asked me.

Hilda- She did? Well fiddle-sticks on her. How dare she take my man away from me!

Mr. Kraft- Gee I had no idea you felt like this. I mean you know how I... How crazy I am about you. I mean you’re beautiful, you’re funny...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Thanks. That’s all I wanted to know.

She slaps Mr. Kraft on his arm and walks off smiling.

Mr. Kraft- (Calling after) Wait a second!

Hilda turns to him.

Hilda- Yeah. I’ll call you. Ow!

She grabs Mr. Kraft in a tight hug and spins him away just in time to prevent the flying, black clad ninja from landing on him. A second silent assassin tumbles down the hallway chasing the first. Both are pursued by a short little blonde girl. Once they are gone Hilda releases her protective grip on Mr. Kraft who’s seen nothing.

Mr. Kraft- Oh Hilda. How about Saturday night huh? I’ll make a batch of Harvey-Wallbangers, we’ll put on the History Channel and just kiss all night?

Meanwhile in another hallway the ninja’s battle and Sabrina tries to get between them.

Sabrina- Hey! Hey! If you guys stop fighting I’ll give you ice-cream.

Anyone will stop anything for ice-cream and Harvey and Dashiell take off their hoods. But the spell is too strong and they keep the kung-fu thing going as cousin Doris shows up.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Doris! What are you doing here?

Doris- I’m supposed to talk to you about the family secret.

Sabrina- Doris. There are two ninja’s fighting to the death for my love in the middle of my high school. Now’s not a good time.

Doris- Y’know I came all the way over here on Other Realm Public Transportation so you could talk to me. This makes me angry.

Sabrina- No! Doris, don’t get angry. Um, I’ll ask you about the family secret. Er what is it?

Doris- Too late. I’m already angry...

Sabrina starts to back off.

Doris- (Cont.) ...And when I get angry I...

She raises her arms and Sabrina looks around for cover and sees the two ninja’s behind her about to get splattered in green goo. For a second they stop their chopping and kicking and look with horror at the angry Doris. A wave of sticky green glop pours from her finger-tips and without a thought for herself Sabrina acts.

Sabrina- NO!

She leaps and knocks one of the black clad boys to the ground. For the other there is no escape.

Sabrina- (Cont.) HARVEY!

Dashiell and the trophy cabinet behind him are splattered in goo. Sabrina gets up from the prostrate but goo free Harvey.

Doris- Well it looks like you’re busy, I’ll come back later.

She leaves.

Sabrina- Dashiell I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t get to you.

Dashiell- No. I know what happened. My big brother warned me about this spell. You jumped in front of Harvey because he’s the one your heart chose.

Sabrina- Wow! So the spell worked. I’m sorry.

Dashiell- Yeah, me too, but I’d still like to be friends.

Sabrina- I’d like that too.

They go to hug but the goo dripping from Dashiell stops them both. Instead they tap fists.

Dashiell- Yeah.

And with that he vanishes. Sabrina turns her attention to Harvey who’s out for the count on the hallway floor.

Sabrina- Harvey? Harvey?

His head shakes as he comes to and looks up at his personal angel.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Are you okay? Um, you-you fell on your head... repeatedly in various parts of the school.

Harvey- Oh, I hope no-one saw me.

Sabrina- Harvey, if you’re still up for it, would you like to take me to the dance?

Harvey- Oh really? Great! Could we go somewhere were someone could look at my spine?

She nods smiling and starts to help him to his feet.

Harvey- (Cont.) Oh!

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda’s dug deep in her wardrobe for the cardigan, flared, shin length skirt and bobby-socks that make up her fifties ‘Grease’ outfit. Salem is surprised to see that she’s still home as she comes down the stairs.

Salem- Hey! You’re still here. Shouldn’t you be at the dance?

Hilda- Yeah. But I’m going to wait a while. I feel so stupid going without a date.

Salem- So paint on half a mustach and go with yourself.

The door-bell rings and with a twirl of skirt Hilda answers it. A giant of a man in a sheepskin waistcoat, fur hat and Cossack boots introduces himself.

Yuri- I’m Yuri. I come to kill Salem.

Salem- O-oh! (In an atrocious high pitched girlie voice) Salem’s not here.

Hilda- Can I help you?

Yuri- Salem has insulted my mother for last time. I will wear his entrails as hat.

Salem- Huh!

Salem sits and trembles with fear.

Hilda- You know Salem’s not here right now but I know where you can find him. He happens to be at a high school dance I’m going to. I’ll take you to him, okay?

She pushes the big guy outside as she makes a detour to Salem.

Salem- Thanks a bunch Hilda. I’ll never call you stupid behind your back again.

Hilda- I didn’t do it for you, I need a date, and underneath all those pelts it looks like he’s got a pretty good body.

Int. Rydell High School Gym. Sorry the Westbridge High School Gym, despite what the sign says. The ‘Grease’ dance is underway with rock and roll blaring out as the students jive in their parents, and in some cases grandparents, hand-me-downs. Sabrina enters in her figure fitting black licra peddle-pushers and off the shoulder black top. Her hair is permed to a pretty good impersonation of Olivia Newton John in the fair-ground scene from the film. Harvey’s on her arm in his leather T-Birds jacket, greased quiff and DA. Valerie in her floral print off the shoulder number spots them.

Valerie- (In an atrocious croaky voice) Wow, you look amazing!

Sabrina- Thanks. Why are you talking like that?

Valerie- My mom thought, for authenticity, I should wear a girdle. Whale-bone is not that giving.

Mr. Kraft enters with Zelda. Although Zelda has taken the fifties theme Mr. Kraft is in a decade all his own. The Billy Jack decade. Jeans, Denim jacket and ten-gallon hat.

Sabrina- Mr. Kraft! I don’t remember your character from ‘Grease’, Were you in the director’s cut?

Mr. Kraft- You know Sabrina, when people make fun of my ‘Billy Jack’ outfit I_just_go_ber_serk!

Zelda- Willard please stop that.

Hilda enters waving with the giant, blonde haired Yuri in tow and meets up with her sister and Mr. Kraft at the punch table.

Hilda- Hi!

Yuri pushes close to Mr. Kraft, towering over him.

Yuri- You are Salem?

Mr. Kraft- No-no-no-no. This is supposed to be Billy Jack.

Yuri- I will eat your eyes like candy.

Mr. Kraft isn’t too keen on that idea and makes a run for it. Yuri’s in hot pursuit, hotly pursued by Hilda and Zelda. Olivia belts out ‘Hopelessly devoted to you’ as Harvey and Sabrina dance close. Harvey speaks into Sabrina’s hair.

Harvey- Sabrina, there’s no easy way to say this so I might as well just say it. Well how should I put it...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Harvey! You’re babbling.

Harvey- Will you go steady with me again?

Sabrina- Really? I’d love to.

Hopelessly devoted they kiss and Sabrina rests her head against his chest smiling. Valerie catches her eye and smiles across as she dances with her date. Zelda has managed to save her date from Hilda’s and dances with Mr. Kraft’s ten-gallon hat on her head while Hilda cuts the rug with her giant Albanian potato farmer. Just like Danny and Sandy, they all go together like a bop-shalop-shalop.

Rock on and run credits.



Pic of the Week