Rumour Mill

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina’s getting the materials for her school report together at the table. Zelda and Hilda come down the stairs.

Zelda- Have you started your report yet?

Sabrina- Almost, everyone knows a good paper is thirty percent writing, seventy percent colour coordinating your highlighters.

Zelda- Well when you do start it at least you’ll have a nice quiet place to work in.

Hilda- Zelda and I are going to take a little trip.

Sabrina- Is that a euphemism for plastic surgery?

Zelda- We haven’t decided where we’re vacationing yet although Hilda is pushing for Atlantis.

Hilda- The Kelp is in full bloom.

Zelda- Will you be all right alone while we’re away?

Sabrina- Are you kidding? I’ve never had the house to myself before. I’ve gotta call Val.

She gets up to get the phone but Zelda is quick with the old finger and Sabrina’s dragged up short by her left ankle. A 30lb ball and chain will do that. Sabrina looks down at it and with a clank sits back down.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Right after I finish my paper.

Zelda- (To Hilda) She’s such a good girl.

Hilda- And so trust worthy.

The aunts head for the living room.

Sabrina- (Calling after) What a coincidence, the topic for my paper is child abuse.

Run opening credits

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda sits on the settee while Hilda brings over an enormous pile of travel brochures.

Zelda- Oh do you need a hand with those?

Hilda- No thanks, I got em.

She drops the pile onto the settee waking Salem who was snoozing on the cabinet behind.

Salem- Ugh! Do you mind?

Hilda picks up a brochure

Hilda- Check this out. (Reading) Time/space Continuum excursions, three days, two nights and you come back younger!

Zelda- Oh let's try something really different.

Hilda- (Reading) The third ring of Saturn, now with single deck blackjack.

Zelda- Let's go and see the worlds largest ball of twine.

Salem- (Waking up again) Twine?

Hilda- One question, why? And please let the answer be that you have a fever.

Salem- T-T-T-Twine? Is that the brochure and if so, can I keep it in my basket?

Zelda- Come on Hilda, we always go to the Other Realm but we never get to see any real Americana.

Hilda- At least tell me it’s somewhere exotic.

Zelda- It’s in Kansas.

Hilda- Oh, the Paris of the mid-west.

Zelda gets down on her knees and spreads the map out.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s lay belly down on the bed working on her homework, minus the ball and chain. Salem sits on the chair back eyeing her school book-bag.

Salem- D’you think this nap-sack would accommodate a substantial ball of twine?

Sabrina- Why?

Salem- Just asking.

A flash of negative energy is a precursor to the arrival of the Quizmaster, as brightly attired as always.

Sabrina- Oh great, it’s the Green Hornet.

Quizmaster- So how’s the report coming?

Sabrina- I have every reason to believe it will garner a fine grade.

Quizmaster- Still haven’t started yet?

Sabrina- Nope.

Quizmaster- Well it’s going to be tough now that you have to sign up for community service in the Other Realm.

Sabrina- What? But I didn’t do anything wrong.

Quizmaster- Community service isn’t just something professional athletes do to avoid jail time. In the Other Realm, giving back to the community makes you feel good about yourself.

Sabrina- But I already feel fabulous about myself, I love me.

Quizmaster- If you want your witches licence you have to do charity work and you have to give it your all, you can’t just phone it in.

Sabrina- Okay get off my back, I’ll help others. Let's go.

Quizmaster- Sorry, you have to do it on your own.

Sabrina- Fine.

She picks up a book from her bed and hands it to the Quizmaster.

Quizmaster- What’s this?

Sabrina- My homework, give it your all and... don’t just phone it in.

She leaves towards the linen closet and the Other Realm. The Quizmaster opens the book.

Quizmaster- Oh man! Walden? Nothing happens in this book.

Ext. The Other Realm. Community service sign up booths where witches are signing up left and right. Sabrina walks from one to the other.

Sabrina- (Thinking) Maybe something’ll jump out at me.

She walks straight past the booth for polishing cauldrons.

Sabrina- (Thinking) Washing old witches? Nope! And may I add gross!

She spots a young coloured witch standing by a booth that looks promising.

Dashiell- Hi!

Sabrina- Hi! ‘Easy way out’ This shouldn’t be too hard.

Dashiell- Yeah, that’s what I’m hoping. Plus, it’s being run by my uncle.

There’s a beep-beep and they turn to see a golf cart driving up with the greasiest spive with the smarmiest insincere smile in all the realms on his face, he gets out.

Calzone- Hello young lady, Dashiell. You know I always get a little misty whenever I see that there are young people today who still believe in the old fashioned values of community service.

He wipes a tear from his eye. then he’s all smiles again.

Calzone- (Cont.) Bobby Calzone.

Sabrina- Sabrina Spellman.

He shakes her hand warmly.

Calzone- Hi, I see you’ve met my nephew Dashiell. A good, fine young witch... for a half mortal.

Sabrina- Hey, I’m half mortal too!

Dashiell- Cool! Are you right handed?

Sabrina- Yeah! Wow, it’s like looking in a mirror.

They laugh liking each other straight off but no one laughs harder that Calzone.

Calzone- Ha-ha-ha-ha! Y’know here at easy way out we’re always on the look out for a few special witches like yourself.

Sabrina- Well this is real community service right? Because I promised my Quizmaster that I wouldn’t...

Calzone- (Interrupting) Sabrina, you’ll be at The Rumour Mill! How’s that for real?

Sabrina- Is that a good thing?

Calzone- Are you kidding? In this realm rumours are considered to be the highest form of entertainment. Think Riverdance with a conscience.

Dashiell- But I always thought rumours were bad.

Calzone- Oh mortal. Trust me kiddo, The Rumour Mill is the USO of witchly community service, a morale builder. As a matter of fact, rumours have actually been proven to make witches healthier.

Sabrina- Wow! I feel more noble already. (To Dashiell) Come on, witches need our help, let's start our first smear campaign.

As a grinning Calzone watches on, the two young, inexperienced witches sign on the dotted line.

Int. Spellman Living room. Hilda comes down the stairs clutching a nap-sack to her chest. Hilda waits for her by the door.

Hilda- Okay, I’m ready to hit the open road.

She puts down the nap-sack and Zelda reads the legend across the front of Hilda's T-shirt.

Zelda- (Reading) I’m with stupid?

Hilda- Don’t personalise it Zelda, I’m just trying to blend in with middle America.

Zelda- Fine, just put your stuff in the pickup I rented.

Hilda- What? Were they out of dump trucks?

Zelda- It’ll be fun! For an all American journey, and all American vehicle.

They pick up there bags ready to leave.

Hilda- All right, let's go.

Salem- I call shot gun!

They both turn to see Salem sat on the bottom step of the stairs with his kitty cases by his side with his favourite mouse on a string hanging out and a typical red neck baseball cap on his head.

Zelda- Salem, you're not going.

Hilda- You have to stay here with Sabrina.

Salem- What?!

Zelda- You didn’t think we’d leave a teenager home alone completely un-supervised did you?

Salem- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Are you telling me that this families going to see the worlds largest ball of twine and the cat isn’t coming?

Hilda- Sorry.

Salem- With all due respect ladies, would I leave you behind if I was going to see the worlds largest eligible bachelor?

Zelda- Yes, if our entire goal was to unravel him.

Hilda- And don’t forget to water the plants and bring in the mail.

Salem- <Sob!> Y’know ‘In cold blood’ took place in Kansas. <Sob!>

Int. The Other Realm. The Rumour Mill, and it is a mill for some reason, complete with flour barrels and steam driven cogs sending pieces of paper along a line around the room. One corner acts as the office with an old desk, a couple of rickety chairs and a pair of antique typewriters. Calzone enters followed by his latest dupes, I mean employee’s. He makes a grandiose gesture.

Calzone- Welcome to The Rumour Mill! We spread more rumours by nine a.m. than most hairdressers do all day.

Sabrina and Dashiell look around at the empty mill and the old, worn out equipment.

Sabrina- Is it always this busy?

Dashiell- I’m going to guess you guys don’t get government funds.

Calzone- Hey! Hey! Hey! This room brings more joy to downtrodden witches than a thousand soup kitchens.

Sabrina- Really? It seems kinda run down.

Calzone- Well if I’m lyin’, I’m diein’ Now listen up, here’s how it works.

He sits at one of the ancient typewriters and feeds in a sheet of paper.

Calzone- (Cont.) First you think of a juicy rumour. For instance, Oh, I don’t know, say Sabrina’s Quizmaster wears a skirt.

As he talks he types.

Calzone- (Cont.) Then you chuck your rumour in this black hole over here.

He tosses the sheet of paper with the rumour on it into a pipe protruding from the wall. The pipe sucks it in.

Calzone- (Cont.) Word gets out and hey presto, the masses are entertained. In some cases even healed.

Sabrina- And my Quizmaster wont mind wearing a skirt?

Calzone- Rumours aren’t true, they’re just entertainment like pro wrestling.

He checks his watch.

Calzone- (Cont.) Whoops! I’ve got a stromboli stand on the South side of the realm and it don’t run without me. So are we set here?

Dashiell- Sure!

Calzone- Beautiful, go get em.

He leaves.

Sabrina- Where do we begin? I don’t know many witches, I live in the mortal Realm.

Dashiell- Really? Me too, Riviera Massachusetts.

Sabrina- Westbridge! Hey, you guys had that huge line-backer who pulverised our quarterback.

Dashiell- Yeah, and then the game started and things really got bad. Hey, maybe we should start rumours about people we know.

Sabrina- Why would other realmers care about them?

Dashiell- Well my uncle said all rumours are entertaining, we might as well entertain ourselves in the process.

He starts to type and Sabrina reads.

Sabrina- Mike Stratton, Riviera line-backer, is also the captain of the synchronised swim team.

They laugh and Dashiell pulls it from the typewriter and drops it into the black hole.

Dashiell- I like charity.

Sabrina- Okay, here goes.

She types.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Libby Chessler is so mean her parents made her move out.

Dashiell- Let me guess, cheerleader?

Sabrina nods and tosses the rumour into the black hole.

Sabrina- Ha-ha! This is fun.

Dashiell- Yeah, and the best part about it is we’re helping witches.

Sabrina- Without having to clip their toe-nails.

Marvin Gaye’s ‘Heard It Through The Grapevine’ plays as Sabrina and Dashiell become serious rumour mongers.

We see the presses role as the headline. ‘FACULTY ROMANCE ROCKS WESTBRIDGE’ spins out.

In the ICU of the Other Realm Central Hospital a witch comes to visit his terminally ill friend and hands him a copy of the paper. The patient reads and starts to laugh, making a miraculous recovery.

As Sabrina types Dashiell watches, liking what he sees. She glances up catching him smiling at her and he quickly becomes engrossed in his own rumours. Sabrina smiles to herself and steals another glance at him.

The presses keep churning out the gossip, a new headline ‘A PREGNANT BOY’ rolls off them.

A condemned prisoner walks in chains to his execution accompanied by a priest. The convicts head is down as he faces his last moments. A laughing prison guard hands the priest the late edition Daily Rumour and he starts laughing. He shows it to the prisoner and they carry on their way crying with laughter.

Dashiell slam-dunks a rumour into the black hole, Sabrina takes a long one, three points! A paper aeroplane from the far side of the mill makes a perfect three point landing as the rumour mongers lark around laughing.

The music fades.

Sabrina- No doubt about it, we pulled the best community service.

Dashiell- Yeah, but I think washing old witches would be fun too... if I got to do it with you.

Sabrina smiles happily at the compliment as Calzone enters looking happy also.

Calzone- The hills are alive with the sound of gossip.

Dashiell- And we used up all the paper uncle C.

Calzone- Oh nice work, we haven’t had so many rumours started since Walter Winchell worked here. Now you two better skedaddle on home.

Sabrina- So soon? Well I guess it’s back to the mortal realm.

Dashiell- You wanna get there through my laundry chute?

Sabrina- Sure. Hey, y’know I was thinking maybe I’d volunteer here again like tomorrow at three.

Dashiell- About three fifteen?

Sabrina- You didn’t let me finish. Like three... fifteen.

They both smile happily.

Sabrina- (To Calzone) I just hope our rumours made an impact.

Calzone- (Smiling) Trust me.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. the next day. Libby walks down the hallway being comforted by two cheerleader friends.

Libby- Just because my parents have threatened to evict me doesn’t mean they’ve stopped caring.

They pass Sabrina who’s overheard.

Sabrina- (To Herself) That’s weird, that sounds just like that rumour I started about Libby.

Just then she sees Mr. Kraft walking down the hall arm in arm with Mrs. Quick.

Mr. Kraft- Oh God we mustn’t! It’s wrong!

Mrs. Quick- Not wrong! Inappropriate perhaps, but I say the heck with it.

She pushes open the Library door as Mr. Kraft quickly check his watch.

Mr. Kraft- I love your fire!

The pair slip giggling into the empty room.

Sabrina- Okay, and that sounds very similar to that other rumour I...

Harvey- (Interrupting) Sabrina, do you have any Feelo jelly in your locker? I have this tremendous craving.

Sabrina- Harvey, please tell me you're having a bad love handle day!

Harvey- It’s weird! None of my clothes fit, my breasts are tender, I’m gonna be sick!

He dashes away to the men’s room to throw-up.

Sabrina- Okay, and that’s the rumour I started about Harvey being pregnant. That settles it, this is a major coincidence.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina enters through the front door and drops her school bag.

Sabrina- (Calling) Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda! Is anybody home?

There’s no reply. She walks to the dining room doors and slides them back.

Int. Spellman dining room. Salem sits at the table wearing a pinstripe suit with an open neck red silk shirt, a gold chain and trilby on his head. There’s a large fish lay on the table before him and he has his colleagues round for tea and to discuss business. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Salem, what’s going on? Oh shoot!

She remembers the rumour she started about Salem, the headline read ‘CAT BECOMES MOB BOSS’

Salem- Ah Sabrina, I want you to meet the heads of the four families of Westbridge. Don Calamari

Don Calamari- How ya doin’

Salem- Don Amechie.

He waves his cigar in acknowledgement.

Salem- Don Tutti Fruitti.

He copies the gesture.

Salem- And of course Don Da Don Don.

He raises his hand in greeting.

Sabrina- Hi, nice to meet you. Salem, you're not in the Mafia, it was just a rumour.

They all laugh.

Salem- Gentlemen, you’ll have to forgive my little friend. Sometimes she talks when she should be reading her magic book. Then she would know that any rumours started in the Other Realm become truths in the mortal realm.

Sabrina- Oh, well in that case Don Salem, on this day, the day of your daughters wedding, how do I make it stop?

Salem- You don’t! Some of us like being Mafia bosses. Me, I like it, I get to wear a cool suit.

Don Calamari- (Reaching into his armpit) D’ya want I should whack her?

Salem- No! Nothing happens to Sabrina while her mother’s still alive.

Sabrina- Gee thanks. I’ll just go and ask my aunts for help.

Salem- You didn’t start a rumour about them?

Sabrina- No I... Oh-no!

Ext. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, night, Zelda and Hilda sit in the pickup truck, Zelda’s behind the wheel with the map spread before her.

Zelda- When you said you wanted to navigate I assumed it was because you could read a map.

Hilda- And I can. We are right in front of that TERRIFYING THING!

The Pickup begins to rock alarmingly, there’s a bright intense light and with a look of horror on their faces the aunts are beamed up.

Int. Spellman dinning room.

Sabrina- But where have they been abducted to?

Don Tutti Fruitti- I got a warehouse near the waterfront for that kinda stuff.

Salem- Excussi Don Tutti Fruitti, not that kind of abduction, but gratsie.

Don Tutti Fruitti- Praigo.

Int. Alien Spaceship. Hilda and Zelda are held captive. Their hands are trapped in metal clamps on each side of them, immobilizing their pointing fingers. An old farmer in dungaree’s is also held captive between them.

Hilda- Zelda, can you use your finger?

Zelda- No, can you?

Hilda- No, well I hope you're happy. Oh sure, it may not be a huge ball of twine but Aliens are pretty nifty.

Zelda- Well if you could navigate we wouldn’t be here.

Farmer- It’s my fourth abduction this month. Ma’s gonna kill me if I’m late with the ice-cream again.

An Alien enters. Small, grey and featureless other than a huge pair of black eyes.

Zelda- Perhaps this gentleman can teach you how to tell when the map is upside down.

Alien- (To Hilda) Lubalublelabaleb!

Hilda- Say it, don’t spray it!

Farmer- That means he’s ready to remove all your organs. But watch it there, he’s got cold hands, or actually tentacles.

Hilda- Isn’t that great?

Alien- Lublablido...

Hilda- (Interrupting) BACK OFF SHORTY!

Farmer- You don’t understand, you're next and if he don’t operate on you then...

Zelda- (Interrupting) I’ll tell you who’s fault this is.

Hilda- It is not!

Zelda- No Hilda! There’s a third witch we haven’t factored in.

The Alien gives up on Hilda and moves in front of the farmer with his diabolical device.

Farmer- Er ladies first.

Hilda- Sabrina!

The Alien releases the farmer from his restraints and leads him off for some state of the art laser surgery.

Farmer- (To the aunts) Thanks a lot, I rarely use my liver.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Later, Sabrina enters and meets up with the heavily pregnant Harvey, he holds his aching back.

Sabrina- Harvey! How’d you get so pregnant so fast?

Harvey- How should I know! Get off my back! Sorry Sabrina, just kind of emotional these days.

Sabrina- That’s okay, I’ll figure something out.

Harvey- Somebody better figure something out because these are not birthing hips.

They arrive at Libby’s locker to find that all Libby’s things are there on a small dresser and Libby is crying and way to upset to be mean for once.

Sabrina- Libby, what’s wrong?

Libby- My parents have kicked me out.

Sabrina- Oh, I had no idea and I had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Libby- My mum said they don’t love me anymore, my dad said they never did. What am I gonna do?

Sabrina- I’m so sorry.

Libby runs off in tears, Harvey cradles his bulge lovingly.

Harvey- I’m never going to do that to my baby.

Sabrina- I’ve gotta find Calzone.

Harvey- That sounds really good, with chocolate sauce on it.

Sabrina leaves round the corner just as Mrs. Quick and Mr. Kraft come round all over each other.

Mrs. Quick- Oh hold me! Willard! Willard!

Mr. Kraft- Oh! Oh no, call me Vice Principle Kraft!

Mrs. Quick- Oh!

She runs her fingers excitedly through his hair as Sabrina comes back round the corner.

Sabrina- Oh get a room!

She leaves again.

Int. The Other Realm, The Rumour Mill. Sabrina enters angrily, ready to have it out with Calzone.

Sabrina- Calzone? You’d better show you face!

Dashiell enters by the side door.

Dashiell- He’s not here.

Sabrina- Well we’ve gotta find him! All my rumours came true!

Dashiell- I know, so did mine!

Sabrina- You don’t understand, there’s a very nice boy in Westbridge who’s staring down the barrel of a ‘C’ section!

Dashiell- D’you think I like this? My sisters a unicorn!

Sabrina- Well it’s obviously your uncles fault!

Dashiell- Hold on now, we need some advice. Can your Quizmaster be trusted?

Sabrina- We’d better hope so, he’s our only shot. Quizmaster, Quizmaster, helping others is great. Now get your butt in here before it’s too late.

She points to activate her incantation and the Quizmaster appears before them.

Quizmaster- There’s a rumour going around that you have something to do with this hemline.

He has a pretty good pair of legs shown off by the brown knee length skirt.

Int. Spellman dining room. Don Salem sits with his gangster buddies while his buxom blonde moll manicures his dew-claw.

Salem- I cannot abide a cat who would let his owners give him a name that robs him of respect.

Don Tutti Fruitti- What would you have us do Don Salem?

Salem- Whack Fluffy!

Don Calamari- I’ll send two of our best guys.

Salem- No wait! I want that cat to wake up with a mouse head in his bed.

Don Calamari- Of course Godfather.

Salem- On second thought, bring me the mouse head.

Int. The Other Realm, The Rumour Mill. The Quizmaster has changed into a pair of trousers.

Sabrina- To top it off! I’m beginning to feel sorry for Libby, that’s how bad things have gotten.

Quizmaster- Sabrina, I told you not to take the easy way out!

Sabrina- No, you said not to phone it in! Besides the guy said that rumours help in the Other Realm.

Quizmaster- Oh, you believed him? You know rumours are bad things.

Sabrina- There are a lotta things I used to know that turned out to be not true, for example I used to be pretty sure that people couldn’t FLY!!

Dashiell- Oh shoot! That reminds me, I gave my cousin Lillian bat wings.

Int. Alien space ship. The farmer has just been returned to his cubicle and restrained again. His hairs stood on end and smoking. The little grey alien wanders off to fiddle with some of his high tech alien doodad’s.

Zelda- (Whispering) Hilda, I noticed something while they were examining him.

Hilda- Yeah, he should get that mole checked.

Zelda- They undid his restraints in order to conduct the experiment. I bet we can trick them into freeing our arms.

Hilda- And then we can zap ourselves home.

Zelda- No, we can’t override this magic.

Hilda- Then we can hit them!

Zelda- Yes! And provided you don’t navigate, we can steer this baby home.

Farmer- Please, before they touch me again.

Hilda- Oh, you love it.

Int. The Other Realm. The Rumour Mill.

Quizmaster- (To Dashiel) Who is your Quizmaster?

Dashiell- My uncle Calzone.

Quizmaster- Calzone? Why I know him. Hm, do me a favour and go see if he’s at his stromboli stand.

Dashiell- Oh sure.

He starts to leave but stops beside Sabrina.

Dashiell- (Cont.) Are you going to be okay Sabrina?

Quizmaster- She’s going to be fine.

Dashiell leaves.

Quizmaster- (Cont.) That kid is trouble!

Sabrina- What do you mean?

Quizmaster- His uncle Calzone has had a score to settle with me ever since I got him kicked out of the Quizmaster’s for cheating.

Sabrina- Well why did he come after me? With all due respect, you were the snitch!

Quizmaster- Sabrina, nothing’s more embarrassing for a Quizmaster than to have a pupil fail to get their licence. Although getting caught in that skirt came close.

Sabrina- I’m not going to get my licence?

Quizmaster- After the havoc you reeked on Westbridge?

Sabrina- Well isn’t there anything I can do?

Quizmaster- Well all the damage you’ve done will slowly go away after you start a vicious rumour about yourself.

He guides her over to the typewriters.

Quizmaster- (Cont.) And make it a good one.

Sabrina feeds in a sheet of paper and starts to type.

Int. Westbridge High School Classroom. Sabrina sits on a desk as Libby enters talking to her cheerleader friend.

Libby- I can’t even get my grandmother to return my phone calls.

She spots Sabrina

Libby- (Cont.) Sabrina?

Sabrina- Hi Libby.

Libby- I just heard a rumour about you, I wonder if it’s true?

Sabrina bends forward as the rumour she started becomes the truth. She feels something uncomfortable in her mouth and spits it out into her hand. It’s a pair of false teeth.

Libby- (Cont.) I knew it! You’ve got no teeth!

Libby’s delighted and rushes off to tell everyone that the rumour is true.

Int. School hallway. Libby walks along telling everyone.

Libby- Sabrina’s got no teeth!

Sabrina comes out of the classroom into a barrage of laughter as she gives everyone a gummy smile. Ahead of her the two faculty love birds put their heads together.

Mr. Kraft- I just heard that Sabrina has no teeth.

They turn and look at Sabrina’s toothless smile and suddenly jump back from each other in disgust. They go their separate ways as Harvey comes round the corner on the verge of going into labour. He sees Sabrina, she smiles and waves and his distended belly contracts to it’s usual size.

Harvey- Whoa!

Sabrina- Hey, Harvey, Feewin bewer?

Harvey- Yeah, I must have been eating way too much salt. Sabrina?

Sabrina- Yeth?

Harvey- I just wanted you to know, if you ever need your food pre-chewed, I would do that for you.

Sabrina- How thweet. You aways make me thmiwe

Harvey- No don’t!

Mrs. Quick- Sabrina, there’s a phone call for you. And could you make it quick, I need to call the smart women, foolish choices hot line.

Harvey leaves and Sabrina answers the phone. Libby’s on the next pay phone.

Libby- I’d love to move back in mom, but before we go into that you’ll never believe what’s happened at school today.

Sabrina- (Down the phone) Hewwo?. Yeth ith me. Of courth I’m wiwing to tethtify againtht Cawthone. I thed I’w tethtify. I thed... I’w be wight there.

She hangs up.

Int. Spellman living room. Don Salem is hanging with his Don buds having snacks.

Don Tutti Fruitti- Marone, that’s good sauce.

Salem- I add a little garlic, regano and then I put some sugar in there. That’s my secret, that’s my trick.

Outside there’s a loud crash and bright lights fill the room. The gangsters leap up and pull their pieces.

Don Calamari- The Feds!

Don Da Don Don- They’re comin’ to get us!

The front door crashes open and a hub-cap roles through.

Salem- I plead the fifth <Sob!>

Hilda enters running, followed by Zelda and the farmer.

Hilda- Nice landing Zelda. It’s okay, I didn’t want to have children anyway.

Zelda- Hey, I haven’t driven a clutch in a while.

Farmer- I don't know, now I may be a farmer but these fella’s in you sitting room sure do look like mob bosses.

They aunts look to see men in suits hiding behind various items of furniture with Tommy guns trained on them.

Don Calamari- Hey guys! A Sabrina got no teeth!

Don Tutti Fruitti- Let's get outa here.

They grab their hats and leave.

Salem- Hey, come back! We were all going to go to Vagas and get compted boilesque.

Zelda- Salem, I’m sure there’s an explanation for turning our house into a social club. But first, where’s Sabrina?

Salem- I will tell you only if you promise never to ask me about my business again. It’s not the same with the guys gone.

Hilda- Where is Sabrina?

Salem- The Witches Council called her in.

Zelda- We’d better get there.

The aunts rush off upstairs.

Salem- I guess I wasn’t meant to be a mob boss. <Burp!> I think I’m garlic intolerant.

Ext. The Other Realm, The Witches Council Cloud. Sabrina is in the witness stand before the Council as the Judge conducts business. The Quizmaster and Dashiell are also present.

Judge- Yes, we understand that you think your Quizmaster rocks, but unless you can produce this Calzone we must hold your Quizmaster responsible for all the trouble you’ve caused. Are you aware that you have no teeth?

Sabrina- I did it to wight a wong, can anything be done abouw iw?

Judge- Only because we’re all about to lose our lunch.

She bangs her gavel and Sabrina gratefully gets her teeth back.

Sabrina- Well like I said, I don’t know Calzone’s present location but I hope it will please the court to call other witnesses who may have more information about the weasels where abouts.

She looks pointedly at Dashiell.

Judge- Now just a moment, is this Calzone a weasel? Because we’ve been looking for a man.

The court attendant whispers in the judges ear

Judge- (Cont.) Oh! The court calls Dashiell Calzone.

Dashiell takes Sabrina’s place in the witness box.

Judge- Are you the fugitives nephew?

Dashiell- Yes, I am.

Judge- And do you know his where abouts?

Dashiell- I...

He looks down at Sabrina and her Quizmaster.

Dashiell- (Cont.) I do not know your honour.

Sabrina- He’s lying!

Quizmaster- And I’m about to get demoted to crossing guard.

Judge- We’re not going to demote you, we’re going to arrest you. You can’t let your pupils run amok like this. Bailiff, take the Quizmaster into custody.

The bailiff leads the Quizmaster off.

Quizmaster- You can’t do this, I’ve got tenure.

Sabrina goes to follow him.

Sabrina- Don’t worry I’ll get you out.

But Dashiell grabs her arm to stop her

Dashiell- Sabrina, wait!

She brushes off his hand

Sabrina- Stay away from me! My Quizmaster was right about you.

He grabs her arm again more forcefully.

Dashiell- I hate to do this.

He rubs his shaved head and both he and Sabrina vanish.

Int. The Other Realm. The Rumour Mill. Dashiell enters dragging a protesting Sabrina behind him. He keeps a firm grip on her pointing finger.

Sabrina- Oh good, this place has such great karma for me.

Dashiell- Sabrina, I need you to know I had nothing to do with the trouble that you're in, but I do know where my uncle is.

Sabrina- Well why didn’t you say anything?

Dashiell- Because the council can only send him to jail.

Sabrina- See, where I come from that’s a bad thing.

Dashiell- Calzone’s a wheeler and dealer, jail would be fun to him. I want him to suffer.

Sabrina- Well how do you plan on doing that?

Dashiell sits at a typewriter.

Dashiell- Well I happen to know my conniving uncle is hanging out in the mortal realm.

He Types. Sabrina leans over to see.

Sabrina- (Reading) Calzone comes clean in Quizmaster frame up and vows to spend the rest of his life cleaning up dog parks.

Dashiell takes the sheet from the typewriter and it quickly vanishes into the black hole.

Ext. A dog park. The sign reads ‘CURB YOUR DOG’ Calzone stands with a poopascooper and a bucket. The smarmy smile is a little strained when a dalmatian passes and leaves behind a huge steaming dollop.

Int. The Other Realm, The Rumour Mill. Sabrina’s just finished typing an addendum and hands it to Dashiell.

Dashiell- (Reading) Bare handed! You're good.

The sheet goes into the black hole.

Ext. A dog park. Calzone’s about to scoop up the dalmatians doo-doo when his scooper suddenly vanishes. He looses his smile entirely.

Int. The Other Realm. The Rumour Mill.

Dashiell- Friends?

Sabrina- Are you kidding? You’ve just saved me and my Quizmaster.

They hug, then part and look at one another a moment. His arms slip round her and she tilts back her head to accept his kiss. They like that a lot.

Dashiell- So, how far is it from Westbridge to Riviera?

Hilda- Oh about five minutes by space ship.

Sabrina quickly breaks free of Dashiell’s embrace to see that Hilda and Zelda have both arrived.

Sabrina- Oh, hi guys! Ah, this is Dashiell.

Dashiell- Ah, Sabrina had nothing to do with this, it's all my fault!

Zelda- He’s cute, but unfortunately I heard a rumour that you're grounded.

Sabrina- You really must stop reading those tabloids. (on their look) Okay, I’m grounded.

Dashiell- It’s not so bad. My parents are making me clean up Lillian’s guano.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda and Hilda sit at the table.

Hilda- You’ll need a loofer.

Sabrina- Check!

Zelda- And grab that bunion-stone.

Sabrina- What!

Hilda- Just take it and plenty of band-aids.

Run credits

Zelda- Oh and a squeegee.

Sabrina stands up from behind the counter in an apron with a bucket and squeegee.

Sabrina- Squeegee?

Zelda- Sabrina, when you clean old witches.

Hilda- Hundreds of old witches.

Zelda- Anything that saves time is a welcome tool.

Sabrina- Look, I know you guys are just trying to gross me out but it’s not working.

Zelda- We tried. Oh, one last thing, the tongue scraper.

She hands Sabrina a loop of bent wire with a handle.

Hilda- It scrapes tongues.

Sabrina- No problem.

She drops it into her bucket and leaves via the stairs.

Zelda- Didn’t work!

Hilda- Is she gone yet?

Zelda- Yeah.

Hilda and Zelda- (With a shiver of disgust) Tongue scraper! urgh!!