The Equaliser

Int. Boutique. Valerie comes over to Sabrina with a red velvet dress.

Valerie- Sabrina, it's Valentines day. You should definitely wear red to the dance.

Sabrina- Yeah, 'cause no one else’ll have that idea.

Two boys enter the boutique. Sabrina spots them.

Sabrina- Hey, there’s Ken! I'll bet he followed you here.

Valerie- Stop it. (To Ken) Hi Ken!

Ken- Valerie!

He sees a headless mannequin with a black ball gown and a red silk choker and steps behind it so his head sits on top.

Ken- (Cont.) What d’ya think? Picture it with a wonder-bra.

The girls laugh and the boys leave.

Sabrina- He loves you.

Valerie- Yeah, and that was him asking me to marry him.

Sabrina- Hey Val! You should get this dress for the dance.

It’s a lovely black lace affair.

Sabrina- (Cont.) That way you’ll be ready if er... Let's see? Who might ask you? Kenny-poo?

Valerie- This is a great dress.

Sabrina- Oh look at the price, ouch!

Valerie- Oh well, my mom’s plaid formal has a certain charm.

Valerie hangs the dress back on the rack. Once she’s turned away Sabrina works a little magic and a '20% off' tag is attached to the dress.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem lies on her bed happily kneading his claws on Sabrina's red sweater, the sweater suddenly develops a foot diameter hole through it.

Salem- Oh? Now I didn’t do that!

Int. Boutique.

Sabrina- Hey Val! You didn’t see this tag.

Valerie- Wow, twenty percent off. Hey with a sale like this I might be able to afford an even better dress.

Sabrina- Val, this one. I-I think it’s a presidents day sale and all the other dresses are... Canadian.

She gives the dress to Valerie and pushes her towards the check-out.

Run opening credits.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s on the phone, Salem’s lay on the bed reading.

Sabrina- (On th phone) I’m on my way Val, as soon as I find my red sweater.

She throws the bed spread back as she looks under the bed, it lands over Salem.

Salem- I’m reading.

Sabrina- (On the phone) Yes I’ve been listening to what you said, Let me recap. Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken. See ya.

She hangs up and spots the sweater on the bed.

Sabrina- Salem! My sweater, did you do this?

Salem- Hey, I was as shocked as you.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda’s sat on the settee reading a magazine. Hilda’s beside her tuning her violin. Sabrina comes down the stairs holding up her sweater.

Sabrina- We have a major moth problem.

Hilda- Oh, by the way. Zelda and I are chaperoning the school dance Friday.

Sabrina- What?! Why don’t you just hang a big nerd girl sign around my neck?

Hilda- Okay.

With a twitch of her finger Sabrina gets her wish.

Sabrina- Nobody likes a house were you can’t speak figuratively.

The door bell rings, Sabrina answers it.

Mr. Kraft- Hello Sabrina.

Hilda ducks down on the settee to get out of sight.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Um, actually I was here...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) My aunt Hilda’s right in there.

Revenge is sweet as he enters and Zelda pushes Hilda back up, but short lived. Mr. Kraft bends down to pick something up and hands it to Sabrina.

Mr. Kraft- Oh, you dropped your... ‘Nerd Girl’ sign.

Sabrina- Thanks.

She leaves.

Zelda- What can we do for you Mr. Kraft?

Mr. Kraft- Um, well I heard you were chaperoning, so I thought I’d drop off the dance rules.

Hilda- Okay then. Be careful driving home, our street tends to be slick.

Mr. Kraft- You know I will be at the dance myself and, just thinking y’know, if the kids are under control and there’s a slow dance...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Y’know especially watch the dip at the bottom of the hill, it’s very dangerous.

She edges Mr. Kraft back to the door.

Mr. Kraft- Okay.

Zelda- And thanks for the rules.

He leaves with the help of Hilda.

Zelda- (Cont.) We’ll make sure there’s no... (Reading) Racketeering?

Hilda- We have to get dates, or you have to kill me.

Int. The Slicery. Ken is on the pinball machine with an adoring Valerie beside him. Sabrina and Harvey are sat at a table with a half finished Pizza. Harvey’s digging through his wallet.

Harvey- Do you have any more money? We don’t have enough for a tip.

Sabrina- I think I’m wiped out. Let me see.

She checks her purse.

Sabrina- (Cont.) There, fifty cents. D’ya think it’s the thought that counts?

The owner arrives at the table.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hi Mrs. Popowski.

Mrs. Popowski- Salinas.

She sees the tip.

Mrs. Popowski- Wow! Two whole quarters! I won’t have to sweat for rent this month.

She leaves just as Valerie comes running up.

Valerie- Emergency! We’ve just run out of money and for once I’m actually being fun.

Sabrina- We’re tapped out.

Valerie- Oh great! Ken’s leaving.

Sabrina feels for her friend who doesn’t get that many dates so she works a little discrete magic. The pinball machine decides to hand out ten credits.

Ken- Hey Val! We’ve won some free one’s. I shall have to postpone my victory dance.

Valerie- Ow! My lucky day.

She goes back to join Ken at the machine. Mrs. Popowski walks past on the way to the kitchen.

Mrs. Popowski- (Tossing the coins) Gotta call the Mister, it’s steak tonight.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina is frantically searching through her locker.

Sabrina- Where’s my algebra book?

There’s a flash of sparkles and a short bearded troll wearing a tabard and a cloth hat is standing by her holding an algebra book.

Roland- Looking for this?

Sabrina- Roland? Gimme that!

She reaches for it but he pulls it out of her reach.

Sabrina- (Cont.) You're a finder, not a taker.

Roland- Not anymore, I’ve changed careers. I’m an Equaliser. By the way, you look lovely.

Sabrina- A what?

Roland- An Equaliser. You take from someone, I take from you. It evens things out in the universe and this job has dental.

Sabrina- What have I taken?

Roland- Well let's see? You took twenty percent off a dress, I took twenty percent of your sweater. You took pinball games, I took your algebra book.

Mr. Kraft comes out of the classroom beside the lockers and sees Sabrina and Roland.

Mr. Kraft- Sabrina, who is this gentleman?

Sabrina- Roland, my... cousin.

Roland- And who’s this bozo, your new boyfriend?

Sabrina- Our Vice Principle.

Mr. Kraft- (Bending down) Roland, perhaps you missed the signs stating that all visitors must report to the office before wondering aimlessly around the school grounds.

Roland- Are you implying that I can’t read?

He kicks Mr. Kraft hard on the shin.

Mr. Kraft- (Hopping) Oh!

Sabrina- Sorry! He’s hyperglycemic.

She pushes Roland away while Mr. Kraft hops off.

Mr. Kraft- Nurse!

Sabrina- I want my sweater fixed.

Harvey spots her passing from the library and comes out to join her.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina.

Roland- Oh, look who it is. Farm boy.

Harvey- (To Sabrina) Isn’t this your aunts friend that I met last year?

Sabrina- If that’s who I said he was.

Roland- Wanna make something of it farm boy?

Harvey- Not really, I just wanted to tell Sabrina something about the dance on Friday.

Roland- Oh, are we going to the dance together? Mind if I throw up?

Harvey- (To Sabrina) What I wanted to tell you was that...

Roland flicks his hand and Harvey’s eyes take on a glazed look, he speaks in monotone.

Harvey- (Cont.) I can’t go to the dance, I have to accompany my dad to a termite convention.

He seems to snap out of it but.

Harvey- (Cont.) I can’t believe I forgot about it. I don’t even remember hearing about it.

He wanders off. Sabrina suspects Roland and glowers at him. He makes all innocent and whistles to himself.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The Spellman sisters both have their little black books out.

Hilda- Okay, we’re up to the Z’s and so far every man we know is either married, busy or disgusting.

Zelda- Several were all three.

Sabrina crashes in via the back door. stomps to the counter, throws her school bag down startling Salem who’s reading, and pouts.

Hilda- What’s wrong with you? You’ve got a date for Valentine’s day.

Sabrina- Not any more, I’m being equalised.

Salem- Oh please say you didn’t take anyone’s pet.

Int. Spellman kitchen. later. Sabrina is sat with her aunt’s at the table after giving them a review of her day.

Sabrina- So I wasn’t stealing per-se, I was just trying to help Valerie.

Zelda- We understand, but it was still wrong.

Hilda- I took Belgium once to help Napoleon, big trouble.

Sabrina- What do I do? I have to get rid of Roland, he still want’s to marry me.

Zelda- You have to give back the things you took

Sabrina- Okay, I’ll just zap the dress into the store and some money into the pinball machine and good bye love smitten equaliser.

She about to do just that when Hilda stops her.

Hilda- No, it’s not that easy.

Zelda- When you're equalising you have to put forth more effort. Basically you have to give things back by hand.

Hilda- Which is how I came to participate in a little thing called Waterloo.

Int. The Slicery. Sabrina’s come in as Mrs. Popowski is getting ready to open.

Mrs. Popowski- Let me get this straight. You felt so bad about the other night that you came all the way down here to give me money, to give to the pinball machine man?

Sabrina- If you don’t mind?

Mrs. Popowski- No, of course not. The pinball man is always running himself ragged bringing you kids extra napkins or refilling your free drinks. No-one works harder than the pinball machine man.

She snatches the money from Sabrina’s hand and storms into the kitchen.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Great! So you don’t mind?

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda and Hilda come down the stairs.

Zelda- Well I think we should.

Hilda- I’m against it, that guy gives me the willies.

Zelda- Fine, you're the one who want’s a date.

Hilda- You're right. Okay, let's do it. Love is special, love is alive, send me Cupid for five ninety-five.

She points and a burst of bubbly red hearts resolves itself into a very sorry looking Cupid. He’s sprawled over the settee with his quiver and bow, dressed only in an extra large diaper and a bow tie. He’s crying.

Hilda- You look awful!

Zelda- Hilda, it’s his busy time of year.

Cupid- Oh that’s not it. I was just left at the alter. My fiancée ran off with a policeman. She never could resist a man in clothes.

Hilda- You wore that to get married?

Cupid- It was a formal wedding!

He rips off the bow tie and throws it down.

Cupid (Cont.) Enough! I’m getting out of the love business.

He tosses his bow aside and buries his head in his hands.

Zelda- I think it’s time to resign ourselves to the obvious, we’re not meant to have dates for this dance.

Hilda- Well maybe you can, but I can’t, not with Willard Kraft and his banaka breath.

She looks at the miserable Cupid.

Hilda- (Cont.) I bet I can get him to snap out of it.

She sits beside him.

Hilda- Come on Cupie, how much did you really like her?

He sobs and buries his head in Hilda’s lap.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Roland’s there on business. He hands over the algebra book.

Roland- There ya go, one debt erased.

Sabrina- Great, but I can’t ask Valerie to return the dress. She loves it too much.

She flops back on her bed. Roland admires himself in her full length mirror trying on one of Sabrina’s scarves.

Roland- You can sew a duplicate.

Sabrina- Sew? I can’t even staple correctly.

Roland- Sewing’s easy, I just sewed a bed skirt last weekend. Do your aunts have a sewing room?

Salem- In the dungeon, next to the bomb shelter.

Int. Spellman sewing room. It’s no wonder her aunts aren’t into sewing in a big way. The room is your basic mediaeval dungeon cell complete with steel door and straw carpeting the floor. Not the kind of place you would want to spend a lot of quality time, but it does have a spinning wheel. Sabrina and Roland enter.

Sabrina- A spinning wheel? What, a loom is to high tech? I can’t do this.

Roland- All witches can spin. Just sit down and give it a whirl, so to speak.

Sabrina sit at the wheel.

Sabrina- Why do I have the eirie feeling you're going to tell me your real name is Rumplestiltskin.

Int. Spellman Living room. Hilda is still trying to bring Cupid round. She has a romance novel

Hilda- This will make you believe in love again. (Reading) What can you say about a twenty-five year old girl who died.

Cupid- Good riddance.

The phone rings. Zelda gets up to answer.

Zelda- Hello? Hi Valerie, I’ll call Sabrina.

She walks to the foot of the stairs.

Zelda- SABRINA!

Salem comes down.

Salem- She’s in the dungeon with Roland.

Zelda- In the dungeon?

Salem- Yeah. Is there any left over pie?

He exits into the kitchen.

Zelda- (On phone) Valerie, she’ll call you back.

She hangs up and heads for the dungeon. Salem sticks his head round the door.

Salem- Hey!

Zelda- Yes, there’s pie!

Int. Spellman sewing room. The dress is coming along nicely. Sabrina keeps the wheel turning with a stick as she feeds the thread.

Sabrina- This is great! I think I may have found my old age hobby.

Roland smiles and works a spell. A sharp spindle appears on the wheel beside Sabrina and Sabrina is captivated by it.

Sabrina- Wow! I never noticed how inviting this spinning wheel spindle is. Do you think it will prick me?

Roland- Nah! Give it a try.

Sabrina reaches her finger towards the spindle. As it gets closer Roland leans forward willing her to touch it. In his mind he sees what the future hold.

Int. Roland’s mind. Sabrina touches the end of the spindle and it pricks her. She turns her finger and sees the tiny drop of blood and immediately falls asleep. She topples from her stool into the straw wearing a pink mediaeval gown with a matching pink flower garland in her hair.

Back home under the bridge he’s got the neighbours round.

Roland- And this is my lovely bride.

They crowd round the bed where lies Sabrina fast asleep with a rose on her chest.

Neighbours- Oooooh!

Sabrina snorts in her sleep and rubs her nose.

Int. Spellman sewing room. Sabrina’s finger gets closer and closer.

Roland- Touch it! Touch it!

Zelda enters.

Zelda- Stop!

Sabrina snaps out of the spell and pulls her finger away.

Zelda- (To Roland) How dare you try to prick Sabrina’s finger on that spindle so you could run off with her.

Sabrina- What?

Roland- I was only going to keep her for a century or two.

Sabrina- What?!

Zelda- You know very well that sleeping beauty spells are illegal, ever since well... Sleeping Beauty.

Sabrina- Hold it! Roland, I thought we’d settled this last time, I’m not interested in marrying you.

Roland- Dating?

He gets the look.

Roland- (Cont.) Fine, but we’re still not square.

He leaves in a huff.

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Ken is wearing a hat very similar to Roland’s but with a big feather in it and walking between the tables.

Ken- See! How she lays her cheek upon her hand:...

Valerie- (To Sabrina) Ken just found out he’s got the part of Romeo in the school play.

Ken- O! that I where a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek...

Sabrina- How can you tell?

Valerie- He’s so much fun, I wish he’d ask me to the dance.

Sabrina- Why don’t you ask him?

Valerie- Because if he doesn’t ask me, I can always assume that it slipped his mind. But if I ask him and he says no, no amount of delusion will fix it.

Sabrina- Tell you what, why don’t I feel him out for ya?

Valerie- As long as you're willing to lie about anything negative.

Sabrina- Absolutely.

She walks up to Ken.

Sabrina- Hi Ken.

Ken- Sabrina! What light through yonder window breaks?

Sabrina- Ah, explosion in the chem lab?

He laughs.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Listen, I was wondering if you were taking anyone to the dance on Friday?

Valerie leans forward eagerly to hear from their table.

Ken- Sabrina, I’d love us to go. Thou hast stolen my heart.

Sabrina- No...!

But the damage is done. Valerie runs upset from the cafeteria and Sabrina chases after.

Sabrina- Valerie!

Int. School hallway. Valerie has a head start on Sabrina as they run out of the cafeteria.

Sabrina- Valerie!

A flash of light distracts Sabrina and she stops as Roland appears.

Roland- Stole a mortals heart, hey?

Sabrina- No, he was just goofing.

Roland- Sabrina, you took his heart, I’m taking yours.

He opens his purse and reaches at Sabrina drawing the love in her heart out and into his purse. Sabrina clutches her breast as a look of adoration fills her eyes. Mr. Kraft walks passed.

Mr. Kraft- You still need that hall pass mister.

Roland- (To Sabrina) And now your heart belongs to me.

He walks off down the hallway, Sabrina’s eyes follow him as Harvey comes out of the cafeteria.

Harvey- Sabrina, are you going to the dance with Ken?

Sabrina ignores him as she only has eyes for Roland.

Sabrina- Wait for me my darling!

She runs after Roland. Mr. Kraft sticks his head out of the library and raises his eye brows.

Int. The Other Realm, Roland’s house. He enters followed by Sabrina who has her hands over her eyes.

Roland- Okay, you can look.

Sabrina lowers her hands and looks around at the tiny stone hovel with a stream running through it, a few bits of tatty furniture made up of barrels and boxes. A small grime covered window overlooks a wash bucket and stove but she adores it.

Sabrina- I love it!

Roland- It’s not as big as the castle but I just feel more at home under a bridge.

There’s a thumping sound from above.

Sabrina- What’s that sound?

Roland- Oh that’s just the billy-goats crossing. You’ll get used to it, it’s like... living near an airport.

Sabrina looks around smiling happily at everything until she sees the picture. Jealousy flares.

Sabrina- Who’s this?

Roland- Oh well, that’s just my old girlfriend er Thumbalina.

Sabrina- Well the picture has to go, you're all mine now.

Roland happily dumps the picture in the trash can

Roland- Yes Ma’am. So, erm what d’ya wanna do?

Sabrina- Gaze lovingly into your eyes.

Roland- Okay.

She bends down to do it.

Int. Spellman living room. Cupid sits on the piano stool breaking arrows across his knee. Hilda paces.

Hilda- Oh come on, you’ve gotta cheer up. I mean I need a date and... I need a date!

Snap. Another one goes and Hilda turns away in frustration as Zelda enters.

Zelda- So, how goes it with Diaper Dan?

Hilda- Well, it’s more challenging than building the Panama Canal, but then less malaria.

Zelda smiles and leaves Hilda to it. Cupid has on odd twist to his mouth, he points at it.

Cupid- Look!

Hilda- What? you're fighting a yawn?

Cupid- A smile, you told a joke and made me smile.

Hilda- I’ve seen bigger on a Lutheran.

Cupid laughs

Cupid- I-I can’t believe it, I thought I’d never smile again.

Hilda- You're cured!

They high five.

Hilda- (Cont.) Alleluia! Now there’s the most adorable fireman down the street.

Cupid- And I owe it all to you, Hilda. My Hilda.

Hilda looks ill as he puts his arms around her. She’s saved by the door-bell, at least she thinks she’s saved.

Hilda- I’ll get it!

He follows her to the door as she opens it.

Mr. Kraft- Hello Hilda.

Hilda- Oh great! One more gentleman caller and we can just put on The Glass Menagerie.

Mr. Kraft- (Pointing at Cupid) Who’s he?

Cupid- (Pointing at Mr. Kraft) Who’s he?

Mr. Kraft- I am someone who has the decency not to wear a diaper in front of a lady.

Cupid goes for Mr. Kraft who pushes back but Hilda gets in the middle and pushes them apart as Zelda comes in.

Zelda- What on earth!

Hilda- Willard, what do you want?

Mr. Kraft- (Straightening his coat) Well, I came to speak to you about your nieces strange behaviour in school with her cousin.

Hilda and Zelda- Cousin?

They look at each other.

Hilda and Zelda- Roland!

Zelda- We have a feeling about this. I’m going to call Valerie.

Hilda looks at the two men as they both make to talk to her.

Hilda- I’ll help her.

She leaves them both to glare at each other. Spaghetti western style music starts. They don’t lose eye contact as they cross to the settee and sit. They both rest their ankles on their knees.

Cupid- Afraid to show your legs?

Mr. Kraft- Nice perm!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda hangs up the phone.

Zelda- She’s not at Valerie’s.

Hilda- The Other Realm.

Zelda- Let's go.

Int. Spellman living room. Mr. Kraft and Cupid are going at it Mano a Mano in that tried and trusted way of proving who the better Mano is, arm wrestling. it’s pretty even. Hilda and Zelda enter.

Hilda- (To Mr. Kraft) You, go.

Zelda- (To Cupid) You, come.

Hilda opens the door for Mr. Kraft and then heads up the stairs with Zelda and Cupid.

Mr. Kraft- Well why does he get to...

Cupid gloats hitching his diaper up.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) Oh man!

He leaves.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Hilda holds the linen closet door for Cupid. Once he’s in.

Hilda- Why did you bring him along?

Zelda- So we could use the car-pool lane.

The aunts enter the linen closet and are zapped to the Other Realm.

Int. Roland’s house. Sabrina’s been joyfully slaving for her man while he puts his feet up.

Sabrina- I made you a personal pan pizza. Is there anything else I can do to make you ecstatically happy?

Roland- Ah pepper flakes?

She takes the pizza back to add the flakes.

Cupid- (OS) Hold on Hildy!

Hilda- (OS) Oh go away!

Zelda- (OS) Maybe we should have ditched him at Stuckies.

Sabrina- That sounds like my aunts.

She opens the door.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda. Aunt Hilda. Cupid?

Hilda- He’s in love with me, ignore him.

Zelda- We’re here to rescue you.

Sabrina- Rescue me? But I love it here. I love this mouldy home. I love Roland.

Hilda- (To Roland) Okay, what have you done to her?

Cupid- I think I know sweetie, I am in the love biz. He’s taken her heart.

Roland- It was a fair deal. She stole a boys heart, I took hers.

Zelda- You are not allowed to equalise for your own benefit. Give it back, now.

Sabrina- No, I don’t want it back. I want my Rolly to keep it for ever and ever.

Hilda- Did you also give her a saccharine pill?

Roland- Sabrina has spoken! Now if you’ll excuse us, the ogre and his lady friend are coming over for dinner.

Sabrina- (Shooing them out) And there’s not enough entrails for everyone.

As they are leaving Hilda pulls an arrow from Cupid’s quiver and hands it to Zelda. She throws it and hits Roland in the butt. Roland turns slowly and sees Hilda stood in the doorway.

Roland- Hilda! Love of my life!

Hilda- Oh-no! Not another one.

Sabrina- Roland!

Roland- Sabrina! The other love of my life.

Roland heads for Sabrina but can’t get Hilda out of him mind. He turns back to Hilda but his love for Sabrina is strong. Sabrina, Hilda. Hilda, Sabrina. how can he possibly choose. He clutches his head.

Roland- Help me! (To Hilda) I love you! (To Sabrina) But I still love you! (To Zelda) Why did you hit me with that arrow?

Zelda- So that you would see that it’s wrong to mess with peoples hearts.

Cupid- Unless you're a licensed professional.

Zelda- Give Sabrina’s heart back now.

Roland- I will, if you’ll grant me one favour.

Hilda- It better not involve me and a trip to make-out point.

Zelda- I will grant you one request, within reason. But first her heart.

Sabrina- No, I don’t care if he does love Hilda, I still want Roland...

Roland released Sabrina’s heart from his purse and guides it back into her.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Away from me! Yuck! I can’t believe I was eating soup out of a sheep’s stomach.

Roland- Are you sure you don’t wanna stay?

Sabrina- Very sure! But if I change my mind about living in hell with a man I can’t stand, I’ll let you know. I’m out’o here.

She tosses her apron aside and leaves.

Roland- (To Hilda) How about you?

Hilda- Not if you were the last troll living under a bridge on Earth.

She starts to leave but Cupid stops her.

Cupid- Don’t worry, it was only a cheepo infatuation arrow. It will wear off by sun-down.

Hilda- Good.

Cupid- My feeling, however, are the real thing.

Hilda- Oh!

They both leave Zelda with the rejected and dejected Roland, She squats down beside him.

Zelda- Now Roland, what is your request?

Roland whispers in her ear.

Zelda- Granted.

Int. Westbridge High school Gym. Friday night, The Valentine’s dance is in full swing. Sabrina in her red velvet mini dress is getting on down with a nattily dressed Roland in a black coat and white frilled shirt.

Sabrina- I can’t believe aunt Zelda granted your wish to come to one dance with me.

Roland- D’ya want me to spin you again?

Sabrina- No, I’m still mad at you for taking Harvey away.

Roland- Boy, you really know how to hold a grudge. I’m going to go and request another disco song so we can bump.

He heads of to the DJ.

Zelda and Hilda watch on in their chaperone capacity.

Zelda- So how’s your date working out?

Hilda- Okay. He’s not so bad once you put pants on him.

Cupid is shaking a leg in a suit, shirt and bow tie, but there’s a distinct bulge around the groin.

Zelda- Yeah, maybe he should have taken the diaper off first.

While Roland is gone Sabrina heads over to the punch table where Valerie is doing the serving in the lovely black dress that caused Sabrina so many problems.

Sabrina- Hi.

Valerie- Hi.

Sabrina- Listen Val, I didn’t...

Valerie- (Interrupting) Sabrina, I’m not mad at you. It’s not your fault Ken doesn’t like me. Believe it or not, I don’t think it’s my fault.

Sabrina- Good for you. Hey, if you wanna dance I’ll share Roland. In fact I’ll give you five bucks to take him off my hands.

Valerie laughs until she spots Ken entering the dance in top hat and tails, complete with white gloves.

Valerie- Great, there’s Ken.

Sabrina- How did you spot him?

Mr. Kraft isn’t having a good night. He’s had his nose pushed out of joint with Hilda and doesn’t see why anyone else should have a good night.

Mr. Kraft- Miss Birkhead, this is a social event, it is not a place for conversation.

Cupid his pulling his diaper up so it shows above his pants.

Hilda- Will you stop that.

Cupid- I know these are practical, but darn it, fashion means something to me.

Sabrina- (To Hilda) D’ya mind if I borrow your date?

Hilda- Okay, but bring him back if there’s a slow song. I don’t want to look like a loser.

Sabrina- (To Cupid) D’you see that girl over there?

She points out Valerie.

Cupid- Yeah.

Sabrina- Okay, I want you to work your magic to make him...

Pointing out Ken who has just approached the punch bar and stands opposite Valerie.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Attracted to her. Oh shoot! You didn’t bring your arrows.

Cupid- Hilda wouldn’t let me. Never fear, I’ve brought a pea-shooter and love peas.

He slips the pea-shooter out of his inside jacket pocket and is just about to load up his mouth with peas when he stops.

Cupid- Can’t do it, it’d be a waste of a pea.

Sabrina- You mean there’s no hope for those two?

Cupid- Well there’s no need. That boy is already crazy about that girl, he’s just shy.

Sabrina- Ken? Shy?

Cupid- Some people cover up shyness with bravado.

She looks at him doubtfully.

Cupid- (Cont.) Well the job requires a certain amount of psychology.

Sabrina- Well if it’s true that Ken likes Val, then there’s maybe a little something I can do.

She points at her friend.

Valerie- D’ya wanna dance?

Valerie has no idea where those words just came from and puts her hands over her mouth in horror at her own forwardness.

Ken- I’d love to! I’ve been wishing you’d ask.

He takes her hand and leads her onto the dance floor giving her a spin past Mr. Kraft.

Mr. Kraft- Miss Birkhead, that punch will not serve itself.

They ignore him, having only eyes for each other.

Sabrina- (To Cupid) Thanks.

Hilda- (To Sabrina) Excuse us.

Sabrina leaves

Hilda- (Cont.) Would you give Zelda a little evenings affection?

Cupid- Look, I don’t wanna be working all night... But for you.

He loads up the peas and looks about. His fingers play along the pea-shooter like the pied piper as he fires. A hit. he turns smoothly and fires again. A hit.

Hilda- Oh dear lord!

Cupid- Two birds with one stone. Zelda’s happy and that goob is no longer fishing in my creak.

Hilda- Gross! To what you just said, and gross! To what you just did.

Two pairs of eyes meet across a crowded room. Zelda moves forward from one side, Mr. Kraft from the other. Their hands meet.

Mr. Kraft- Can I have this dance?

Zelda- Oh yes.

Roland finds Sabrina sipping punch by the doors.

Sabrina- The deal was one dance.

Roland- I know, I want to apologise. I was wrong to try and steal your heart through magic. I just want you to like me.

Sabrina- That was nice Roland. I like it when you're nice.

Roland- So we’re engaged?

Sabrina- No!

Roland- Look, I wanna equalise what I did to you.

Sabrina- You're going to set up a large trust fund?

Roland- No.

He points at the door and Harvey rushes in.

Sabrina- Harvey!

Harvey- I can’t believe I thought I had to go to a father-son termite convention, according to my dad there is no such thing.

Sabrina- Well now that you're here, d’you wanna dance?

Harvey- You bet.

He offers his arm and Sabrina accepts. As if by magic a slow song starts. ‘Truly, Madly, Deeply’ by Savage Garden. Every one is happy and love fills the room with it’s own kind of magic. Sabrina has her Harvey, Cupid has his Hilda, Valerie has her Ken, Zelda and Mr. Kraft have a shock in store when it wear's off, but it takes a little magic from a teenage witch to make Valentines day whole.

The door Opens and an extremely petite blonde enters and taps the miserable and lonely troll on his arm, he turns.

Roland- Thumbie?!

She smiles, he takes her hand, it’s like a fairy tale.

Run credits and party on.