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Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

A River Of Candy Corn Runs Through It

Written By - Frank Conniff
Transcribed By - Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda - Caroline Rhea
Zelda - Beth Broderick
Salem - Nick Bakay
Harvey - Nate Richert
Valerie - Lindsey Sloan
Libby - Jenna Leigh Green
The Quizmaster - Alimi Ballard
10,000 Maniacs - 10,000 Maniacs
Asher - Scott Tyler Russell
Ramage - David O’Donnell
Termite - Howard Miller
Old Lady - Ellen Albertini Dow
Armchair #1 - Beverly Sanders
Armchair #2 - Richard Horvitz
Settee - Dan Hagen

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Spellman Living room. Zelda is sweeping the large open space where there used to be furniture. Hilda is moving ornaments out of the way and Sabrina is sat in a wicker chair doing her homework

Hilda- I can't wait for our new furniture to get here.

Zelda- I know, It’s going to be here just in time for our nice quiet Halloween at home.

Sabrina- You mean we’re not visiting relatives this year?

She looks up to heaven and crosses her fingers

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hope! Hope!

Zelda- Nope. I called them and told them that we just couldn’t make the family gathering this year.

Hilda- I am so glad. I hate flying during the holidays. The traffic getting back from the Universe is always vacuum to vacuum.

Sabrina- You mean Halloween might actually be fun this year? Not that Grandpa’s game of find my teeth isn’t without it’s charms.

Zelda- We’ll rent movies, stir up some candy corn, listen to Jim Neighbours sing Halloween songs.

Sabrina leaps up from her chair in mortal fear.

Sabrina- You're talking about the album right? Because I don’t want him at the house again.

Zelda is saved from having to give a definite on that by a...

Disembodied Voice- Hey, delivery!

Zelda and Hilda jump back out of the way dragging Sabrina with them just in time as a miss matched three piece suite drops out of the Other Realm and hits the living room floor hard. That cannot do the castors any good. They have obviously been in storage for some time as a huge cloud of dust is kicked up.

Zelda- Oh I just love that Other Realm furniture. It’s always delivered on time and you don’t have to tip anybody.

Hilda- And there’s a three hundred year warrantee.

Salem waits just long enough for the dust to settle before hopping onto the new settee with and little purr of pleasure.

Zelda- Salem!

Salem ignores her protest and starts kneading the cushion’s with his claws

Salem- If you ladies don’t mind I’ve got a lot of new territory to mark.

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Valerie walks past a group of boys, one of whome is wearing a letterman jacket. She looks up at him as she passes behind and feigns going weak at the knees. (or was she) She continues on making a ‘wow’ face to Sabrina at the drinking fountain.

Valerie- How do you get to be friends with those guy?

Sabrina- I think we’d have to fill in a form. D’ya know what I’d say to Asher if he talked to me?

Valerie- What?

Sabrina- (Weakly) Hello.

Valerie- That would take guts.

Sabrina and Valerie turn to look longingly at the boys just as Libby arrives and has no problem talking to good looking guys.

Libby- (To Asher) Hi Asher. Guess what? I’m having a Halloween party Friday night.

Asher- Really?

Libby- It’s going to be awesome. Great food, a DJ, me, and you know what the best part is?

Asher- What?

Libby makes a point to look across at Sabrina and Valerie

Libby- No freaks.

Libby turns and walks off pleased with herself.

Valerie- (To Sabrina) Gee! D’ya think she wanted us to hear that?

Sabrina- Don’t let Libby get to you, just tell yourself what I tell myself. These are the best years of her life.

Sabrina leaves but Valerie stay's put for the unfortunate moment that she gets her idea. She sees Harvey coming down the hall and moves to intercept.

Valerie- (Loudly) Hey did you hear? Sabrina’s having a Halloween party.

Libby is a only a short way down the hall telling more of the popular people about her party. She turns as the people she was telling move round Valerie to hear more about Sabrina’s party.

Harvey- Really?

Valerie- Yeah, and it’s gonna be great, music, dancing and... other things cool people do.

Libby- I’m glad to know the peerless people have some place to go. Is she inviting teachers as well?

The people crowded around laugh and begin to disperse.

Valerie- (Calling after Libby) Sabrina’s bash is gonna make your party look like a Civil Service exam.

Harvey- Wow! Sabrina swore she’d never have a party.

Valerie- Really!

Int. School Cafeteria. Harvey meets Sabrina coming from the counter with her lunch tray.

Harvey- Great news about your party.

Sabrina- Party?

Everyone- Party?

Everyone crowds round Sabrina asking where? When? Can I come? Valerie drags her out of the crush.

Valerie- Sabrina, you might wanna know... you're having a Halloween party.

Sabrina- What?!

Valerie- Well I was going to say it was gonna be at my house but I was afraid my parents would dance.

Sabrina- I can’t have a party at my house!

Valerie- Why not? Your house is cool. It’s old, gothic, kinda spooky.

Sabrina- Right! It’s all wrong for a Halloween party. You have to tell them it’s not happening.

Ramage- So when’s the party Sabrina?

Valerie- (To everyone) Sabrina might... not... probably is... definitely... not having the party.

a ripple of disappointment fills the cafeteria.

Valerie- (Cont.) ...almost.

Ramage- So you were just making the whole thing up?

Valerie- well, w-what I was doing... er was I was er...

Sabrina- Telling too soon. She wasn’t supposed to tell until I asked my aunts.

Ramage- So you still might have the party?

Sabrina- It all depends on what my aunts say.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Hilda stirs the bubbling, smoking cauldron as Zelda mixes a wicked brew while reading from an ancient tome. The hubble bubble effect is slightly ruined by the floral aprons they’re wearing and the tome being the Sunday paper recipe supplement, all be it three weeks old which is ancient by journalistic standards.

Hilda- Of course you can have a party.

Zelda- A mortal Halloween, how quaint.

Sabrina clearly wasn’t expecting this response.

Sabrina- I need you guys to tell me no. Don’t you want to spend a quiet Halloween at home?

Zelda- This is more important, your first party. Why don’t you have kids over more often?

Sabrina- Because, like most teenagers, I’m very self-conscious of the fact that we’re witches!

Hilda- Yes, but we’re people too. Now don’t worry we’ll make sure that no witchy stuff happens during the party.

Hilda pours an ingredient into the cauldron producing an extremely witchy reaction.

Zelda- Come on, think about it. All your friends having fun, dancing.

Sabrina- Actually I think it would be fun to have some people over. You know, be normal for once.

Zelda- And if all goes well you might just go from normal to toast of the town.

Sabrina- And if anything goes wrong we could always move to another town right?

Sabrina leaves to plan her party, Hilda and Zelda shake their heads.

Zelda- Some times it’s so hard to be young.

Hilda- I know... but I think I handle it pretty well.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina is putting up Halloween an Inflatable skeleton. Pumpkin lanterns decorate the room, nibbles and dips are on the table, so is Salem.

Sabrina- Salem! Those are for the guests.

Salem- Nhgh! I’m just making sure all is right. Cheeto’s should be served at room temperature y’know.

The phone rings,

Hilda- (OS) Sabrina, phone call.

Int. Spellman kitchen. the brew is still bubbling.

Hilda- (Cont.) It’s a boy. (To Zelda) Can I lick the bowl?

Zelda- Yes. Of course you’ll be horribly burned.

Sabrina enters and picks up the phone.

Sabrina- (On phone) Hello, party central.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina, It’s me. I’ve got some bad news, I can’t come to your party.

Sabrina- What!

Harvey- My mom and dad say I’ve got to take my little brother and his friends trick or treating

Sabrina- You're kidding! Did they just spring this on you?

Harvey- Yeah! They just now reminded me that they told me about it two weeks ago.

Sabrina- So they’re totally to blame?

Harvey- I’ve got a bad feeling about all this free candy. My little brother gets hyped up just eating an apple. Aw, I’ll see you later, I hope.

Sabrina puts down the phone disconsolately.

Sabrina- (To her aunts) Great! Harvey can't come to my party. He’s the only guy I had confirmed.

Faint voices can be heard.

Zelda- Sabrina? Did you turn on the TV?

Sabrina- No. That’s weird.

Sabrina heads for the living room to check it out. Zelda turns back to the cauldron where Hilda is using a dropper to add something to the infernal concoction.

Zelda- What are you putting in the candy corn?

Hilda- M.S.G.

Zelda gives her a look.

Hilda- (Cont.) What could it hurt?

A scream comes from the living room, the two witches run to see what’s wrong.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda and Hilda run in to see Sabrina standing horrified.

Zelda- What’s the matter?

Sabrina- Our furniture. It’s talking.

Settee- Could you people bug off?

Armchair #1- Marvin! Could you possibly be nice to the new owners for a change?

Settee- Aw!

Armchair #2- The couches are from Mars, chairs are from Venus.

Settee- All this from a twenty-six year old who still lives with his parents.

Armchair #2- I’ve been looking for a place. Get off my back will yo...

A piercing whistle from Sabrina silences the argument.

Sabrina- Thank you. (To her aunts) What the heck is going on here?

Zelda- Apparently, we accidentally bought talking furniture.

Hilda- (To Sabrina) Do you wanna say 'D'uh!' or should I?

Sabrina- Talking furniture? What, were they people who were turned into furniture?

Hilda- Of course not.

Salem- Where would you get an idea like that?

Zelda- It’s just furniture that talks.

Settee- That’s right. We’re side show act’s.

Armchair #2- We have personalities and feelings y’know.

Settee- Yeah!

Armchair #1- And we’re great for single people.

Sabrina- And I can’t wait to get to know each and every one of you. (To Zelda) Zap them back!

Hilda- Why? They could be fun.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda! My party!

Zelda- Okay.

She moves to the centre of the room and casts the thirty day sale or return spell on Armchair #1, but nothing happens. She tries again on Armchair #2, the same lack of results. She tries Marvin the settee just in case but like the others it stays put. Zelda takes a close look at her finger.

Zelda- That’s odd!

Sabrina- What’s the matter?

Hilda- I know, we put them on our credit card and until they’re paid off we can’t zap them away.

Sabrina- Well I have a suggestion. DO SOMETHING!... Please.

Zelda- We’ll just go back to the store and tell them they made a mistake. (to Hilda) Come on.

Hilda and Zelda leave removing their aprons.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Okay, well don’t be too long because I don’t like being left with furniture I hardly know.

Armchair #1 shows that talking isn’t their only skill as it moves up behind Sabrina and nudges the back of her legs, Sabrina sits in the comfortable chair.

Armchair #1- Here, you just relax dear.

Sabrina leaps out of the chair and can’t suppress the shiver that runs through her body.

Sabrina- Oooh! Creepy!

Ext. The Other Realm, outside The Other Realm Furniture superstore, where the sales never stop and where the neon sign says closed.

Zelda- Oh I forgot. Everything is closed in the Other Realm on Halloween.

Hilda- Except Denny’s. Let's have some pie.

Zelda- No. We’d better get back home, Sabrina may need our help.

Hilda- But pie!

Zelda grabs Hilda and drags her off.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem sits on the back of the settee, Sabrina is still putting the finishing touches to the party decor. A task made a little harder by having opinionated talking furniture around.

Armchair #2- Are you going to put that there?

Sabrina- Yes. Do you have a problem with that?

Armchair #1- No! No! Don’t let a sense of style ruin your design.

Sabrina- How would you like to spend the rest of your life in a garage sale?

Marvin- A-a-a-a-ACHOO!

Salem- A couch whose allergic to cats? Finally someone whose life is more pathetic than mine.

Zelda and Hilda enter via the stairs.

Sabrina- Oh thank goodness (To the furniture) Well guys it’s been nice knowing you. Be sure to write.

Zelda- I’m sorry but everything is closed in the Other Realm. We can’t zap them away just yet.

Sabrina- But they can’t stay here! I have mortals coming over!

Zelda- Well, we’ll just take the furniture down to the basement.

Sabrina- And burn it?

That not very nice suggestion throws the furniture into a panic.

Zelda- Calm down! Calm down! We’ll just leave you there for the duration of the party.

Hilda- (To Sabrina) No one will know that they’re there. We once kept a Viking down there for centuries. (To Zelda) Oh, we did let him go, didn’t we?

Zelda- Oh yeah. Remember when we...

Sabrina- (Interrupting) I’m sure it’s a cute story. Why don’t you tell it after we move the furniture?

All three of them set to work to move the settee who starts to laugh uncontrollably

Marvin- Ah-ha! Stop it! Stop it! Ahh I’m ticklish.

Salem- Maybe you should start with the striped chair (indicating Armchair #2) He has no sense of humour.

Armchair #2- I don’t think that’s funny.

The trio of witches start to push it out of the room.

Armchair #2- Hey, be gentle. Watch out for my arms.

Int. Spellman basement hallway.

Armchair #2- (OS) Aaaarggh! Get me oughta here.

Enter Sabrina, Zelda and Hilda dragging the chair back into the living room.

Armchair #2- (Cont.) Get them off me! Aw! Ouch!

Zelda- Calm down! What is it?

Armchair #2- Ouch! Aw! Ow!

Sabrina- What’s the matter?

Zelda gets down on her hands and knees to look under the chair cover.

Zelda- We’ve got termites.

Sabrina- So spray something.

Zelda- That won’t do any good, these are Other Realm termites. Talking furniture attracts them, look.

With barely a flick of her hand an ornate magnifying glass appears and we see what they see through it. Two termites, with antennas extending through their miners helmets, chomping on pieces of furniture.

Termite- Are you going to finish that knot hole?

They both munch away.

Armchair #2- Aw! Oach! Get them off me!

Sabrina- This is bad! This is really bad! The furniture talks! The Termites talk! I haven’t finished decorating!...

The door bell rings.

Sabrina- (Cont.)(Tearful) And now the party’s starting.

Zelda- Just get the door, we’ll think of something.

Armchair #2- Please, alert the authorities. I love you.

Hilda- Oh pipe down.

Hilda and Zelda drag the bitten chair off down the hall. Sabrina answers the front door. It’s a duck. A five foot six bright yellow duck with large blue eyes, long lashes and a purple ribbon on it’s head. The duck enters.

Duck- Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!

It takes off it’s head and tucks it under it’s arm.

Duck- (Cont.) Hi, It’s me, Valerie.

Sabrina- Great costume.

Valerie- Thanks. I thought I’d get here early and help. That way I would intentionally be the first one here instead of accidentally being the first one here.

She looked around the empty living room.

Valerie- (Cont.) I’m the first one here aren’t I?

Sabrina- Yep!

Armchair #2- (OS) I don’t wanna die!

Valerie- Who’s that?

Sabrina- Ah, my aunt. She’s... having a mid-life crisis.

Valerie- My dad had one of those, he bought a red car. So what can I do?

Sabrina- Erm, why don’t you go in the kitchen and fill some bowls with Pretzels?

Valerie- Yeah sure.

She turns towards the kitchen but stops.

Valerie- Sabrina, thanks for going through with this. You're a good friend.

Sabrina- Thanks Valerie and don’t worry. It’s going to be a great party... and normal! Very normal.

Hilda- (OS) I swear, I will knock the stuffing out of you.

Sabrina- We’re starting her on hormones next week. How about those Pretzels?

Valerie leaves and Sabrina rushes off to see what her aunts are up to.

Ext. Old woman’s house. A fireman runs up to the door, accompanied by a Jester, a fairey, a vampire and two princesses. Harvey follows behind.

Harvey- Now don’t forget to say thank you.

He rings the door-bell. The door is answered by an old woman with a bag full of goodies.

Old Woman- What have we here?

The answer is six pairs of children’s hands ransacking the bag of candy and running off to attack the next unsuspecting house in the street. Harvey holds up the collection box for the old woman.

Harvey- Trick or treat for UNICEF?

I think trick as the old woman whops him in the stomach with her empty goodie bag a slams the door. Harvey is doubled over.

Harvey- (Cont.) Thank you.

Int. Spellman living room. All the furniture is back in place, Hilda Zelda and Sabrina are discussing the problem.

Armchair #2- Excuse me but I am not going back to the basement.

Zelda- Take it easy chair. Okay, for now the termites are confined to the basement.

Sabrina- Can’t we call a magic exterminator?

Hilda- No. It’s a holiday and they’re very devout.

Zelda- I’ve got it. For the time being we could feed the termites our old used furniture.

Armchair #1- Yeah that’s a good idea.

Hilda- Starting with the lawn chairs, the old coat tree and Salem’s scratching post.

Salem- Hey!

Hilda- It’s a birthday present and you never use it.

Salem- You never use the water-pick I gave you.

Zelda- Let's not get ugly. It’s for the sake of Sabrina’s party.

Salem- Or the tea-cosy.

Zelda and Hilda head off to the basement. Sabrina decides to appeal to the furniture’s better nature.

Sabrina- (To the furniture) Okay look guys, this is my first party and I really need it to go well. Now my aunts will keep the termites at bay if you guys behave yourselves and not say a word. I promise I’ll... I’m talking to furniture.

The door-bell rings and Sabrina goes to answer it. Salem has a better method of ensuring that the furniture is on it’s best behaviour.

Salem- Okay listen up you upholstered loser’s. If you misbehave for just one instant I’ll cut ya man.

That has them trembling with fright.

Sabrina answering the door. The guests have started to arrive.

Sabrina- Hey guys! Happy Halloween. Thanks for coming.

Zelda- (OS) Coming through

She rushes in with a large wicker basket and a wooden vase holder nearly colliding with the newly arrived guests. She lifts the pieces of furniture above her head a couple of times.

Zelda- (Cont.) Just working on my triceps.

Zelda heads off to the basement.

Sabrina- Okay, well um just help yourself. There’s chips, soda, cookies, raw vegetables... How’d those get there?

The duck enters from the kitchen with a tray of snacks.

Valerie- Sabrina, I love your bubbling cauldron.

The duck stops dead in it’s tracks. Takes in the half dozen or so guests. Looks down at itself then up again and realises that there aren’t any other ducks in the house, or cats, or mice, or any nice little fluffy things. Not to mention vampires, ghouls or werewolves. No one else has come in fancy dress.

Valerie- (Cont.) Oh shoot!

Valerie flees up the stairs.

Sabrina- Valerie wait! (To guests) Okay, I’ll be back in a minute. Everyone have a good time and talk among yourselves... I mean the people talk. Nothing else should talk... And why would it? Gotta go.

Sabrina runs up the stairs

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters to find Valerie lay on the bed minus her ducks head crying.

Sabrina- What’s the matter?

Valerie- What’s the matter! I’m a duck. No one else here is a duck.

Sabrina- Dave’s got a little alligator on his shirt.

Valerie- It’s not the same. I always do stupid stuff like this. Why’d ya have to have this party in the first place?

Sabrina- Couldn’t help myself.

Valerie- From now on I’ll be a total recluse. I’ll create the mystique around myself that people will find really fascinating but they’ll never see me in public.

Sabrina- Or you could just take the costume off.

Valerie- I can’t. My mom sowed me in.

The bedroom door opens. It’s Zelda

Zelda- Sabrina, more guests have arrived.

Valerie- Are any of them wearing Halloween costumes?

Zelda- I’m sorry honey. One boys wearing a cap.

Valerie- Why didn’t I take my little brother’s teething seriously

Valerie gets back to some serious feeling sorry for herself.

Ext. The neighbourhood. The loveable fancy dressed children play egg the house. Harvey catches up with them breathless.

Harvey- Hey, stop egging the house.

Always obedient the children stop... and leg it.

Harvey- (Calling after) Come back here, I mean it. You know they try juveniles as adults in this state now.

The kids play egg Harvey.

Int. Spellman living room. The party is in full erm ouse?. Things are not going well as Sabrina comes down the stairs.

Sabrina- Everyone having a good time? What is that music?

Ramage- I don’t know, it was on the stereo. It sounds like Jim Neighbours.

Sabrina- No! And it’s certainly not him in person.

Sabrina changes the record with a touch of magic to something a little more up beat. Hilda enters with a large tray.

Hilda- I know what this party needs. candy corn.

Sabrina drags her aunt away.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, It was a very nice gesture, but in case you hadn’t noticed we’re not five years old

Hilda- Yes, I’m very aware of that but if I were you I would deeply play up the candy corn angle.

Sabrina- Why?

Hilda- Follow me.

As they head to the kitchen Zelda comes out with a wooden chair balanced on her head.

Sabrina- Is that the antique rocker my mother gave me?

Zelda- Yeah. I’m going to feed it to the termites.

Sabrina- Do it.

Zelda Exits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. The cauldron in the middle of the room has overflowed. Hilda and Sabrina enter.

Sabrina- What happened?

Hilda- Well we tried to double the recipe and we accidentally squared it.

Sabrina- Well zap it away.

Hilda- I tried that but it didn’t work.

Sabrina- Does the recipe book have any answers?

Hilda flicks through the ‘Eat This’ recipe book.

Hilda- Oh! There’s a chapter called ‘What to do if you make too much candy corn’

Sabrina- What does it say?

Hilda- (Reading) 'You can never make too much candy corn'

Valerie enters and Hilda leaps in front of the overflowing cauldron so she doesn’t see it.

Hilda- (Cont.) No! No! Don’t come in here, Zelda’s naked.

Sabrina quickly pulls Valerie out and is followed by Hilda.

Sabrina- It’s that mid-life thing again. I’m so glad you decided to come down stairs.

Valerie- No. Actually I am just here to announce that I am officially insane.

Sabrina- What?

Valerie- I could have sworn I heard a door-bell coming from inside your linen closet.

Hilda- Oh, well erm that’s... where I keep... my... wind chimes and erm it does get a little drafty in there. ha-ha-ha! Scuse me.

Hilda nips off upstairs. Sabrina just stands laughing quietly on the verge of hysteria.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Hilda comes up the stairs as the closet door-bell rings again. She pulls the door open and three very strange looking creatures with long snouts, horns and frills and large coats enter and start singing.

Hilda- Halloween carollers! Listen, we’re kind of in the middle of something so could you just make it a quick Halloween carol?

One of the Carollers blows a note on his harmonica.

Hilda- (Cont.) Right!

She points to the door hoping they’ll leave but that was just the tuning note.

Carollers- (Singing) On the twelfth thousand day of Halloween my true love gave to me.

Caroller #1- Twelve thousand eyeballs.

Caroller #2- Eleven thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine earlobe ...

Hilda slumps down on the linen basket in resignation.

Int. Spellman hallway.

Valerie- But I just came to tell you about the door-bell and now I’m leaving.

Sabrina- No! You have to stay at the party.

Valerie- No, I can’t! I can’t!

Sabrina- You have to help me out here.

Valerie- But they’ll laugh at me.

Sabrina- Well at least they’ll be entertained.

Valerie- All right, I guess I owe you.

Sabrina- Thanks.

The front door-bell rings and as Sabrina goes to answer it she gives Valerie a firm shove into the living room. Everyone turns to look and sure enough they laugh. Sabrina opens the front door but there’s no one there.

Disembodied voice- (OS) Trick or treat?

Sabrina- Huh!

In a flash of negativity the Quizmaster appears.

Quizmaster- I said trick or treat.

Sabrina- Quizmaster! Not now! Not tonight!

Quizmaster- Oh, when you least expect it. The perfect time for a quiz.

Sabrina- Would it help if I said I was having a party?

Quizmaster- Oh!

He stops as he comes into the room and looks about at the bored faces of the people sitting around.

Quizmaster- This is a party? Man I’ve been to Amish quilting bee's that were more happening than this.

Sabrina- And when are you appearing at the Laugh Factory?

Sabrina pushes him towards the kitchen.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. The cauldron of candy corn is still overflowing as Sabrina and the Quizmaster enter.

Sabrina- Candy corn?

Quizmaster- What am I, Five?

Sabrina- Just gimme that quiz now.

The Quizmaster settles himself cross legged on the kitchen counter.

Quizmaster- Okay, Pop quiz challenge number one. Make me a Pumpkin.

Sabrina- Whatever you say.

Sabrina makes the finger thing happen and her spell turns the Quizmaster into a large Pumpkin

Pumpkin- This is not what I meant.

Sabrina- Do you want me to hollow you out now?

Pumpkin- No! Turn me back woman.

Sabrina reluctantly reverses her spell.

Quizmaster- Not funny.

Sabrina- Come on. You have to admit, that was pretty impressive.

Quizmaster- What if some kid had come around with a baseball bat huh?

Sabrina- Can I go back to the party now?

Quizmaster- No. I have one more question.

Sabrina- What?

Quizmaster- Can I use your bathroom?

Sabrina- Down the hall to your left.

Quizmaster- Thank you.

He heads off as Hilda comes down the stairs leading the Halloween carollers

Sabrina- Oh, now what?

Hilda- Halloween carollers from the Other Realm. They promised me they’d be quiet if I gave them some candy corn.

Valerie comes through the door and is caught by Sabrina who spins her around so she won’t see the strange creatures.

Sabrina- Valerie, How’s the party going?

Valerie- People are reading. You’d better do something quick.

Sabrina- I’ll be right there.

She pushes Valerie back through the door just as Zelda arrives with more food for the Termites slung on her shoulder.

Zelda- Heads up, lady with a plank.

Zelda turns in the narrow space at the foot of the stairs nearly decapitating Sabrina who ducked just in time and exits towards the cellar.

Sabrina- (To Hilda) That’s it! I’ve tried to be a normal teenager and have a normal social life but it’s no use. I might as well face it, this party’s over!

She stomps off into the living room.

Int. Spellman living room. The party’s dead. Sabrina stomps in and is about to tell her guests that the party’s off when the front door-bell rings. Sabrina stomps over to answer it. It’s Asher and his friends.

Asher- Hey! Is the party still goin’ on?

Sabrina- Errrr Absolutely. Come on in.

Asher- Thanks (Whispers to his friends) We’ll give it a few minutes.

Sabrina rushes over all excited to Valerie.

Valerie- Wow! A cool guy came to your party... I’m a duck!

Asher- Sabrina,

Sabrina runs over to him.

Asher- (Cont.)This is your party huh?

Sabrina- (Giggling) Yeah.

She runs back to Valerie

Sabrina- We have to get people to dance.

Valerie- Okay, Lets make room.

Valerie starts to push the settee out of the way and jumps back as it laughs.

Sabrina- Oh, you know what? Why don’t we just dance around the furniture? It’s all the rage in New York.

Sabrina runs across to the stereo and opens the cabinet door. The door falls apart in her hand.

Sabrina- Oh-no!

She quickly magic’s the magnifying glass and sure enough the Other Realm termites are still hungry.

Termite- (Spitting out splinters) Ugh veneer! I knew It wasn’t the real stuff.

Sabrina puts the glass down and pouts.

Asher- So how about some tunes?

Sabrina- Oh the stereo’s kinda on the blink right now but I think I have a transistor radio somewhere in the house.

Asher- You know Libby’s got a DJ at her party. Maybe we should all just go there.

Everyone- Yeah!

Valerie- No! Come on guys stay. We don’t need music to dance.

And to prove the point the duck starts dancing as everyone stands round thinking 'I didn’t know Sabrina had booked a comedian' Unfortunately for Valerie the stereo wasn’t the only place in the house the termites were dinning out at. The living room floor boards had a five star rating and gave out under her dancing feet. Valerie disappears in a billow of dust. The concerned faces of Sabrina, Zelda and Asher look down into the hole where Valerie had been.

Sabrina- Valerie? Valerie! Are you alright?

Zelda- Quack once for yes, twice for no.

Valerie- (OS) I’m okay. The tail feathers broke my fall.

Asher- Weird! These look like bite marks. What could have caused them?

Armchair #2 has the answer.

Armchair #2- TERMITES!

The furniture is thrown into panic and start scooting around the room which in turn spooks the guests. Sabrina rushes to the centre of the room.

Sabrina- (To all) Listen everyone, I can explain!

The Halloween Carollers choose that moment to enter.

Carollers- (Singing) Fa-la-la-la-la, Fa-la-la.

More screams from the guests.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And they would be...

The pressure has finally become too much as the steady build up of candy corn from the kitchen had leaked through the dinning room and breached the sliding doors into the living room. It poured through in a torrent. More screaming.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And that is....

Asher- Cool! Sabrina, how did you rig all this Halloween stuff up? It’s awesome!

Sabrina- Oh a little imagination and some yarn.

Asher- Well it’s really viv. I mean everyone’s done spaghetti brains but a river of candy corn?

Asher joins the rest of the guests diving into the river. Sabrina heads over to Salem bewildered.

Sabrina- Salem. Nobody knows that this stuff is real.

Salem- Excellent. (To everyone) Attention kids. I urge you to accept me as your ruler.

Asher- Wow! The cat talks. Say Ash-er, Ash-er.

Salem- Lo-ser, Lo-ser.

Asher- (Laughing) Cool party Sabrina.

Valerie- (OS) Could someone help the duck?

Int. Sabrina’s Party. Later. Valerie is dancing with one of the Halloween carollers.

Valerie- I’m so glad some other people decided to wear costumes.

Another of the Carollers is stretched out on the settee.

Settee- Hey Thanks for eating those termites pal.

Caroller #2- No problem. Tastes like frog legs.

Harvey’s arrived and is sat in armchair #1 with a blanket round him. Sabrina brings him a mug of something hot.

Harvey- Thanks. I think I’m suffering from post traumatic trick or treat syndrome

Sabrina- Oh that’s too bad because I’ve had a very restful evening.

Salem- This next song is a ladies choice. hmmff...

This last because Sabrina has clamped her hand over his mouth.

Sabrina- I know what’ll make this night really perfect.

She casts a spell. At the Westbridge Arena a band has just gone on stage and as they start the intro to their first number in front of 30,000 screaming fans they find themselves transported to the Spellman’s dining room. The doors slide back to reveal just a couple of dozen people but hey, a gigs a gig.

Asher- Wow! It’s The 10,000 Maniacs!

As the band play ‘Rainy Days’ the Quizmaster dances in with a large bowl of candy corn.

Quizmaster- (To Sabrina) Okay, so I’d forgot how good this stuff is.

Sabrina- What are you still doing here? Is there another quiz?

Quizmaster- No. In fact I have a confession to make. I didn’t come here to quiz you tonight. I came because I had to work, and well all my families way on the other side of the Realm and... Well I kinda get lonely during the Holidays.

Sabrina- Oh that’s sweet. So what you're saying is you gave me a quiz when I was having a nervous breakdown for no reason.

Quizmaster- Basically. Mind if I dance with the duck?

The Quizmaster goes off to enjoy the party as Libby enters.

Sabrina- Libby! You're at my party?

Libby- Please! I only came by to see the largest gathering of weirdo’s ever.

She looks around.

Libby- (Cont.) Is that 10,000 Maniacs?

Sabrina- Yeah. Why don’t you call them weirdo’s to their faces.

Libby drifts off

Asher- I hear her parties been over for hours, bunch of kids egged her house.

Harvey looks guilty but just smiles.

Sabrina- (to Herself) I throw a great party.

Run credits and party on.



Pic of the Week