The Melissa Zone - Sabrina The Teenage Witch

Sabrina The Teenage Witch - View Transcript

Dante's Inferno Written By - Charlie Tercek Transcribed By - <a href="mailto:paul@bccnet.force9.co.uk?subject=Dante's Inferno (028)">Paul Booth</a> Cast Sabrina - Melissa Joan Hart Hilda - Caroline Rhea Zelda - Beth Broderick Salem - Nick Bakay Harvey - Nate Richert Valerie - Lindsey Sloan Libby - Jenna Leigh Green Davy Jones - Davy Jones Dante - Jason James Richter Witch Yenta - Teri Garr Jean - Sarah Lancaster Steve - Roger Eschbacher Larry - Fritz Sperberg Jerry - Jonathan Palmer Ron - John Valdetero DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics. Int. The Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina, Zelda and Hilda are finishing up dinner, Salem is on the kitchen counter. Zelda- Salem, those roast potatoes came out great, thanks for the recipe. Salem- Don’t thank me, thank Graham Kerr. I’d whip up a chocolate soufflé if I could only get my paws around a whisk. Hilda- Not to worry. I’ll conjure up some ice-cream. With a flick of her finger the spell is cast. Sabrina opens the freezer door to reveal various silver foil wrapped food items and sitting on top a large blue eye, It screams very loudly. Sabrina calmly closes the Freezer door, she’s no longer surprised by odd little things like that. After all she’s lived with her aunts for over a year but she does think she should say something. Sabrina- There’s an eye screaming in the freezer. Zelda- Hilda, You asked for ice-cream and you got an eye screaming. You know I think you're coming down with a case of punitis. Hilda- punitis? Me? No way. Probably my subconscious telling me I’ve been eating too much sugar. Lately it’s become a real monkey on my back. No sooner are the words out of her mouth that a strange apparition appears on her back with it’s arms round her neck. Davy Jones- Hello. Hilda- Do I have Davy Jones of The Monkeys on my back? Zelda and Sabrina- (Together) Definitely. Hilda- Okay, maybe I’ve got a touch of punitis. Davy Jones- That’s right, no-one explain what’s going on to the apparition. Run opening credits. Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria, Sabrina and Harvey are gathering items from the self service section. Harvey- ...So last night my dad sat me down to talk about goals Sabrina- Snore! Harvey- Yeah. According to my father my goals are pass math, start at least one football game, get a part time job and date other girls. Sabrina- Date other girls!? Harvey- My dad says the teenage years are for getting to know different kinds of girls, so that later on I’ll know what to look for in a mate. Apparently I’m supposed to watch out for gold-diggers. They sit facing one another at a free table. Sabrina- You really wanna do this? Harvey- I don’t have any choice, it’s either that or military school. Sabrina- I hear that builds character. Harvey- I don’t now what to do, I’m trapped. Sabrina- Well I guess we could see other people, but just as friends. Harvey- That’s perfect and it’ll only be for a little while. I mean, my dad comes up with new goals for me practically every day. I think last week it was getting through one lousy dinner without a fight. Sabrina- But we’ll still be boyfriend and girlfriend right? Harvey- Right! But on the sly. We’ll be like Romeo and Juliet. Sabrina- Right! Except for the taking poison part. Int. Spellman’s kitchen, Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda are at the counter. Zelda- Sabrina, we know Harvey’s father is a colossal boob. Hilda- But we agree with him on this one. Sabrina- What? I can’t believe you're taking his side. Zelda- You're young. You should try new things, meet new people, have lots of wonderful experiences. Sabrina- (Sarcastic) Oh that sounds like a lot of fun Hilda- You need to play the field. Sabrina promptly vanishes. Ext. sports field. Sabrina appears wearing a tartan hockey skirt and white blouse and knee socks with a hockey stick in hand and looks about, pig tails flapping Sabrina- AUNT HILDA! Int. Spellman Kitchen, everyone’s still where they were and Sabrina arrives back Hilda- Sorry, it’s that darned punitis flaring up again. Salem- A fine kettle of fish. Say it! Oh please say it. Zelda- Listen I know it’s painful now but later on when you're ready to settle down, you’ll know what to look for in a mate. Hilda- You’ve gotta watch out for gold-diggers. Sabrina- But I already see Harvey less than I want to and I don’t want to date anyone else but him. Zelda- Why don’t you try a nice witch boy? Sabrina- Let me say this one more time... HarveyHarveyHarveyHarveyHarveyHarveyHarveyHARVEY! While she rants she storms out of the kitchen. Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina storms in upset followed by her aunts and stands sulking. Zelda- Oh just give it a try. Mortal boys we have a-plenta, for witch fellas we need a yenta. A middle aged woman in a pale pink suit, frilly blouse and too much make up appears on the settee with a folder, and promptly drops the contents on the floor. Yenta- Well okay. Right so. Let me, oh. So-so who’s looking? Zelda helps her pick up the papers and photo’s. Zelda- Are you okay? Yenta- Yes! Yes I’m fine! I’m fine! Oh! Actually no. I just broke up with my boyfriend, <Sob!> Hilda- Is he available for Sabrina? The Yenta gasps and looks at Hilda aghast. Hilda- (Cont.) kidding! Sabrina- If this isn’t a good time, you... Yenta- (Interrupting) No! No! It’s better that I keep busy. She puts her spectacles on, Yenta- (Cont.) So, alright this guy is really cute. She holds up a photo Yenta- (Cont.) He plays the cello and the flute and both at the same time. Huh? Huh? Sabrina- Harvey hates classical music. Yenta- Well then. Now this guy. He sails his own yacht and, lucky for you, he’s just got over his mermaid obsession. Huh? (To Zelda) I wish I could say the same for my ex. Sabrina- Harvey gets sea sick. Yenta- Look, who’s getting this date, you or this Harvey guy? Huh? Sabrina- I’m sorry, I think I have to pass. Zelda- Well Sabrina, some of these boys are pretty cute, If I was two hundred years younger. Yenta- Yes, and still believed in love. The Yenta puts her face in her hands crying. Sabrina- Look, I just want Harvey and Harvey wants me. Neither of us can imagine being with anyone else. Sabrina storms off once more. Int, Westbridge High School hallway. The next morning Sabrina- You have a date already! Harvey- It’s not really a date. My dad set me up with the daughter of one of his clients. Sabrina, Harvey and Valerie walk down the hallway, Sabrina is not happy. Harvey- (Cont.) Y’know the guy who owns Senior Beefo’s? Valerie- I love that place! Sabrina stares hard at Valerie. Valerie- (Cont.) But... not anymore. They reach Sabrina’s locker. Harvey- Are you gonna be okay? Sabrina- Me? I’m fine. I have a date this weekend too. Harvey- You do? Valerie- With who? Sabrina turns to Valerie willing her to back her up. Sabrina- You know, the guy. Valerie- What guy? Sabrina- The guy we met at the place. Valerie- What place? Sabrina- The place where we... Why aren’t you good at this! She slams her locker shut and hurries off upset. Valerie- (calling after) Good at what? Harvey- (To Valerie) So what’s new with your love life? Valerie- Oh things are definitely looking up. I just got the brochure from that convent. She slams her locker shut and walks off. Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda are standing round an arm chair containing the witch yenta. Sabrina sits on the arm of the chair. Sabrina- Here’s the deal, I need a date and I need one now. Yenta- Okay. She puts on her spectacles and holds up her ring finger to show off the diamond Yenta- (Cont.) By the way, he called. Sabrina- How about that blonde guy you showed me? Yenta- No, taken. Zelda- Already? Yenta- Well. It’s Friday at five, you snooze you lose. You hesitate you lose a date. You linger, you... Sabrina- (Interrupting) All right! Zelda- There must be somebody. The yenta holds up a photo Yenta- I have the perfect boy for you. Hilda- He’s a cyclops. Yenta- Yes he is, but he’s a very good dancer. He does have a tendency to bite though. The Yenta’s pager beeps. She glances at it. Yenta- (Cont.) U-uh! Oh look, he’s got a date already. Well, you drag your feet, you don’t get to meet. Hilda’s had enough and with a flick of her finger. Hilda- Just go. The yenta is gone. Sabrina- I liked her better when she was depressed. Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is sat on the kitchen table reading a magazine, he’s laughing. Salem- Rose Chess just slays me. Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda enter from the living room. Zelda- I know who we can set Sabrina up with. Pete and Sheila’s boy, what’s his name? She flutters her fingers thinking. Hilda- What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue? Zelda clamps her hand over her mouth. Salem suddenly finds himself with Zelda's tongue in his paw. Salem- Imagine the grooming possibilities He wastes no time in trying it out while Zelda looks on horrified. She didn’t think even a cat could reach those places. Hilda makes Zelda more horrified by reversing what she has just done. She could at least have run it under a tap first. Hilda- Oops! Sorry, still got a little bit of punitis Zelda- Haahaa It’s got cat hair on it. Salem- Welcome to my life. Zelda swigs from a bottle of water to wash off her tongue as Hilda recalls Hilda- I remember that boys name, Dante. Zelda- That’s it. Hilda- Ah that’s a great idea. He’s adorable, smart, cute, laughs all the time. Sabrina- Great. Zelda- Of course we haven’t seen him since he was three months old. Hilda- But he must be your age by now. Ext. Other Realm. Against a backdrop of stars there's a neon menu-board for The Gotta Go Burger joint. The Drive thru one. Sabrina's on her blind date standing on the back of Dante’s souped up Vacuum cleaner. Lots of chrome, go faster stripes, tail fins and a turbo, self emptying dust bag. Dante looks like a nice enough sort of bloke. Smartly dressed, about Sabrina’s age and not at all bad looking. Sabrina- Dante, this is the coolest vacuum cleaner I’ve ever seen. Dante- Well it’s great for flying but it’s a little bulky for cleaning under the bed. Dante indicates the Burger Joint. Dante- (Cont.) Y’know these guys are supposed to have the fastest fast food this side of Limbo. Just like at any other Burger Joint drive thru a disembodied voice sounding strangled by a speaker asks Disembodied Voice- Can I take your order? Dante- Er, two Gotta Go Burgers. Disembodied Voice- Comin’ at ya. Instantly Two quarter pounders appear stuffed into both Dante’s and Sabrina’s mouths, Without fried onion’s or ketchup and probably tasting like carpet on a bun. They take them from their mouths Sabrina- Wow! That is fast. Dante- Er two chocolate shakes. Disembodied Voice- Right away. And right away a chocolate shake appears in both their hands complete with straws. A little more civilised than having them stuffed in their mouths. Dante- And we’ll split an order of fry’s Disembodied Voice- Okay! And the fry’s appear instantly, although it would have been nice if they were in a carton or bag rather than just being dumped over them. Sabrina- Hey! Disembodied Voice- Sorry, it’s my first day. Ext. The Other Realm, later, A million light years from home, on a rather unremarkable asteroid. Sabrina and Dante sit side by side gazing at the stars having one of those uncomfortable silences that always happen on a first date. Dante finally thinks of something to say. Dante- Mind if I smoke? Sabrina- I really don’t like cigarette’s Dante- Ha! I meant a Ham. With a snap of his fingers a smoking pot appears at his side complete with Ham. Sabrina- You know I hate to say it but we’re a million light years from home. I really should be heading back. Dante- Whoa! First close your eyes, I have a surprise. Sabrina closes her eyes and Dante stands using his natural magic to reach high into the canopy and pluck a star from the glittering night. He gently nestles it in his hands as it’s brilliant light illuminates Sabrina’s face and places it in her lap. Dante- Okay, open up. Sabrina open’s her eyes Sabrina- A star! It’s so pretty! Dante- I was gonna say the same thing about you. Sabrina smiles happily Int. Spellman dinning room. Zelda is concocting something with the lab-top and by the smoke it produces it’s to be hoped the smoke alarm isn’t too sensitive. Hilda and Salem watch. Hilda- What are you doin’ Zelda- I’m tired of this happening. She turns to Hilda with the smoking jar. Zelda- (Cont.) I want you to take this punitis medicine. Hilda backs away, Zelda follows relentlessly. Hilda- Stay away from me. The last time you brewed a home remedy it tasted like gym shorts. Zelda- But this is different. Hilda makes a dash for freedom. Hilda- No! Zelda fires her finger at her sister and conjures a clothes peg. It’s jammed over Hilda’s nose forcing her to open her mouth. Zelda wastes no time in pouring the smoking medicine down Hilda’s throat. Hilda shivers as it goes down. Zelda- There! Hilda- I swear, sometimes you are such a dictator. The medicine is clearly not very effective as Zelda transforms into a reasonable impersonation of a young Fidel Castro, complete with cigar. Zelda- Hilda! Hilda- Oops! Salem- Finally! someone I can talk baseball with. Ext. The Other Realm, about a foot and half from home. The closet door stands against a backdrop of stars as Sabrina and Dante arrive. Sabrina is still holding the star. Sabrina- I didn’t know blind dates were supposed to be this much fun. Dante- Me neither. It’s that moment and he moves in for a good night kiss but an alarm siren sounds and the closet door opens to reveal Salem waiting up. Salem- A little late are we? Get in this house before the neighbours see you. The moment is spoiled. Sabrina- Good night. Dante- Good night. Sabrina enters the house and Dante looks very disappointed. Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda gets a plate of cookies from the counter and takes them towards the table where Sabrina and Hilda are sat. Sabrina- ...So he showed me all the cool spots in the Universe. Oh and then he took me out for ham burgers. I almost forgot, I had them save you guys my left overs. She points and Hilda and Zelda get a mouth full of quarter pounder char grilled apiece. They remove them. Zelda- How thoughtful Sabrina- Oh, and look what Dante gave me when the date was over. She takes out the Star and hands it to Zelda. Zelda- Oh what a sweet boy. Hilda- I remember the first time a boy gave me a Star. Next thing I knew three wise men were at the door. Zelda hands back the Star and Sabrina rises. Sabrina- Well, Good night. Zelda- Good night. Hilda- Sweet dreams. Sabrina goes up the stairs. Hilda- She seems so happy. Oh, remember how we used to stay up Friday nights telling each other about our dates? Zelda- We haven’t done that in ages. Hilda- I know. We haven’t done that in ages because we haven’t had dates in ages. Zelda- Oh well, at least we have each other. Oh my heavens! I’m living with my sister! I think I’ll call that yenta. Hilda looks a little hurt. Int. Westbridge High School cafeteria. Sabrina’s sat at a table eating baretos. Valerie comes over with her tray and sits beside her. Valerie- So how was your date? Sabrina- Really fun. But now I’m worried about Harvey. Valerie- Why? Sabrina- Well I don’t know how he’s going to take it. I mean we weren’t actually supposed to like the people we went out with. Valerie- Oh haven’t you heard? He had a great time on his date too. Sabrina- He did! Valerie- Apparently his dates a model or something isn’t... that... not... particularly good information. Harvey arrives and sits opposite Sabrina Harvey- Hey Sabrina, are ya gonna finish that Bareto? Sabrina- I had a great time on my date too! Harvey- Oh. Good. Sabrina takes a little time to think about the situation. She doesn’t want to fight with Harvey. Sabrina- This is silly. I mean, we can like other people and still like each other Harvey- You're right, and we’re just doing this for our parents anyway. Sabrina- We’re being awfully grown up about this huh? Harvey dips his finger in his pudding and stick it in his mouth. Harvey- (Around his finger) Very mature. Sabrina- So what was she like? Harvey Okay. What’s he like? Sabrina- Okay. Hey, since we’re being so mature about this, how about the next time we go on a blind date, we go together? Harvey- Double date? Great idea. Sabrina- Looks like everyone’s a winner. And it does. Until they look at Valerie still sat between them. Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh! Valerie- Scuse me, I have to go and listen to one of my moms Janis Ian albums. She rises disconsolately and leaves with her tray. Harvey- Sure you're alright with this? Sabrina- Absolutely. I’d love to meet...? Harvey- Jean. Sabrina- Jean. Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina is getting ready for her double date and talking to Salem. Sabrina- Jean! I never liked the name Jean. Salem- I never cared for the name Mildred. Sabrina- I’m curious to see what she’s like, but Jean? I mean Jean’s not a name, it’s a pair of pants. In a twinkle of lights an apparition appears sat on Sabrina’s bed. In fact it’s the same Apparition we saw earlier. Davy Jones of The Monkeys. Davy Jones- Actually I think Jean’s a very lovely name. (Singing) Cheer up sleepy Jean. Oh what can it mean to a daydream believer and a home-coming queen? Salem- What are you doing here? Nobody made a pun. Davy Jones- Are you asking me? A door-bell ring, a closet door-bell. Sabrina- Oh! Keep it down we’ve got company. Sabrina leaves to answer the closet. Davy Jones sits down on Sabrina’s bed beside Salem. Salem- So, er what d’ya say you and I go out and cruise for chicks? Davy Jones- No. Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina opens the closet door. Sabrina- Dante, come in. Dante- Hey, how are ya doin’ You look great, wow! I’d better lock my vacuum. He points the remote on his key ring through the still open closet door and presses the button. His vacuum alarm beeps. Sabrina- So, feel like going bowling? Dante- Why not? There’s a first for everything. Sabrina- You’ve never gone bowling before? Dante- Are you kidding me? I’ve never even been in the Mortal Realm before. Sabrina- (To herself) Oh this can’t be good. Dante- So. Er, this is an authentic mortal realm house huh? Man you guys must laugh all day. Sabrina- Yeah. Light switches, wall paper, my sides hurt all the time. Dante laughs. Sabrina- (Cont.) Look, there’s something you should know. You can’t use any magic down here. Dante- You're kidding? Sabrina- I’m serious. Dante- Hey, it’s your world. I’m just bowling in it. Dante is looking around. He points at the series of wooden platforms that descend from where he’s stood. Dante- And these are? Sabrina- Stairs. Dante- Yeah, I knew that. Sabrina- But you have to walk down them. Dante- Get out? Sabrina- Wait here, I’ll grab my bag. She heads towards her bedroom while Dante checks out this stair thingy. Dante- (Calling after) Yeah I can handle this. Whoa! Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Davy Jones is still sat on the bed with Salem. Sabrina has grabbed her bag. there is a series of thumps accompanied by a yelp from the landing and Sabrina runs out. Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina runs to the top of the stairs and looks down in dismay. Dante has just proved that saying and doing are not the same. Sabrina- You can still bowl, right? Int. Kingpins Bowl. Sabrina and Dante have arrived first and are watching people bowling. Sabrina has been explaining the finer points of the art. Dante- Let me get this straight. You're supposed to roll the ball down there and hit all those pins without using magic? Sabrina- Yep! Dante- I don’t think it’s gonna catch on. So, who’re we meeting here? Sabrina- My friend Harvey and his date Jean! Jean goes to private school. Probably has her own credit card. One of those little miss perfects. You know the type? Dante- Yeah. So you two have had your share of run in's huh? Sabrina- No, we’ve never met. Enter Harvey and Jean. Jean is tall, slim, pretty and friendly, but the baseball cap she wears is kinda dorky. Harvey wears one too, they have the legend ‘Termite King’ across the front. They walk up to the table were Sabrina and Dante are sat. Harvey- Hey Sabrina, this is Jean. Jean leans forward to shake hands with Sabrina. Jean- It is so nice to meet you. Sabrina- And this is Dante. Dante stands and shakes Harvey’s hand. Harvey- Hey. Cool name. Dante- (To Sabrina) Jean’s awful, you're right. Let's encase her in mud. Sabrina- No magic! Dante- Not the guy either? Sabrina- Leave them alone. Harvey- So, how about I get everybody a soda? Harvey heads off to the counter, Dante stands smiling and with a discrete snap of his fingers whips Harvey’s feet from under him. He lands hard on his butt and Sabrina glares angrily at Dante. Dante- (To Harvey) Walk much? Int. Spellman living room. The witch yenta hands Zelda a large file of photo’s Yenta- So I think you have a lot of choices there. Look I have to go, I have to meet someone. Zelda- Oh your old boyfriend? Yenta- No, my therapist. Now suffice it to say that a four hundred and fifty year old man who washes dogs for a living is not exactly someone that you want to stake your future on. So. She tosses a remote device onto the settee next to Hilda. Salem has his favourite spot on the cupboard behind it. Yenta- (Cont.) Enjoy! She does a little pose and vanishes. Zelda hurries round and sits next to Hilda who has picked up the remote. Hilda- On your mark, get set, drool! She presses the remote. A semi transparent hologram image of a balding man in a tweed jacket and turtle neck sweater appears. Steve- Hi. My name is Steve. I’m thirty-five years old. I am a Ph.D. in Astronomy. Zelda looks enchanted. Hilda- Loser! She pushes the remote and the Hologram Steve vanishes. Zelda snatches the remote from Hilda. Zelda- I’m the one looking for a date here. Why don’t you go and wait in the kitchen? Hilda- I’ll be quiet. Zelda- Out! Now! Reluctantly Hilda leaves and Zelda settles back to enjoy the next hologram suitor. She presses the remote and a tall dark haired gent in a suit and tie appears before her. Jerry- Hi. I’m Jerry. I’m an attorney and I guess the best thing about me is that... Suddenly Jerry’s hologram head begins to twist out of shape Jerry- (Cont.) I’m a big fat dweeb. Zelda- HILDA! Int. Kingpin Bowl. Sabrina, Dante, Harvey and Jean are sat around a table. There’s pizza and soda’s on it, Dante’s looking bored. Sabrina- (To Jean) ...So it was our third date and Harvey took me to a pizza eating contest. Harvey- Two large pizza’s in fifteen minutes, including the crusts. Sabrina- We won second prize, a free calzone. Harvey- To this day, whenever I burp it smells like pepperoni. Dante- Impressive. He picks up a whole pizza, folds it in half and stuffs it into his mouth. It’s gone in seconds. Harvey and Jean watch with their mouths hanging open. Sabrina- (To Harvey and Jean) I forgot to tell you. His father’s in the Circus. Int. Spellman living room. Hilda is back with Zelda on the settee as another Hologramatic would be Casanova is making his pitch. Larry- I’m Larry, and erm, I’m writing my dissertation on the Roman poet Cattalos. Zelda’s impressed. Larry- (Cont.) But on weekends, I like to cut lose with Hi-Ku. Zelda- He doesn’t seem so bad. Hilda doesn't reply, which might have something to do with her being gagged with a strip of duct tape. Zelda hits the remote button again and a new hologram appears. He’s slightly familiar (pun intended) Short black hair, yellow eyes, pointed ears, whiskers and a tail. Did I mention that the short black hair was all over his body? He’s wearing a collar and tie with a hat at a jaunty angle. It’s Salem. Hologram Salem- A big hello to all the ladies' out there. The names Salem but you can call me Dr. Love! Zelda and the gagged Hilda both turn to look at the real Salem sat behind them. Zelda- What are you doing in there? Real Salem- Hey, I got want’s and needs that a scratching post just can’t fulfil. Man, that hologram makes me look fat. Int. Kingpin Bowl. Harvey- (to Sabrina) Hey, do ya want me to get your bowling shoes? Sabrina- Thanks, that’d be great. Dante- Don’t bother. Another discrete snap of his fingers and a pair a garish yellow, green and red sequinned bowling shoes with purple laces appear on Sabrina’s feet. Dante- (Cont.) I already got her some. Sabrina- Right! Jean- I didn’t realise you were such a hard core bowler. Sabrina- Oh Yeah, I bowl a lot... (On Harvey's look) at home. Harvey- Really? (To Jean) Well we’d better get our stuff. He walks away with Jean continuing to eye the flamboyant bowling shoes. Sabrina waits till they’re out of ear shot. Sabrina- (To Dante) Cut it out would you? Dante- Lighten up, I’m just trying to keep myself amused. These mortals are boring. Sabrina- Hey! I’m half mortal you know. Dante- Really? You don’t look it. Int. Spellman living room. Zelda, Hilda (minus gag) and Salem are still watching the hologram show. Hilda looks very bored. Zelda- Who’s next? She presses the remote. A tall, smooth looking hologram in a grey jacket and blue open neck shirt appears Ron- Hi, my names Ron. I guess my biggest achievement is my Nobel Prize in science. Zelda is instantly smitten. Ron- (Cont.) But I’m not a nerd. I also have one in literature. And I do have a dark side. I’ve er got my fare share of parking tickets. Zelda- Ohh! sounds dangerous. Hilda and Salem look at her, Their looks say ‘Sad or what?’ Zelda- This is the guy for me. He’s smart, he’s attractive and he’s exciting. What do you guys think? Hilda and Salem- (Together) Snore! Int. Kingpin Bowl. Jean bowls a ball with reasonably good action. Sabrina, Harvey and Dante are watching from behind, Sabrina’s scoring. The sound of pins falling. Jean- Strike! Sabrina and Harvey applaud. Jean- (Cont.) Dante, you're up. Dante walks up and pick up a ball two handed and rolls it down the alley. It topples into the gutter with little momentum. Harvey walks up Harvey- Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it. Dante does his half hidden finger snapping trick and the ball jumps from the gutter and races down to take out first and third. Strike! Harvey- How did you do that? Dante- Just do it the way I did it. Harvey tries, He rolls the ball two handed but straighter than Dante. It was going to hit, possibly a strike. Dante doesn’t want that. He snaps his fingers again and Harvey’s ball shatters into small pieces, the pieces separate into the gutters missing the pins. Dante- Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it. Harvey- I’ve never seen anything like that, except on the Flintstones. Int. Spellman living room. Zelda’s date has arrived bearing flowers and champagne. Zelda is still getting ready so Hilda lets him in. Hilda- Flowers, champagne, what did you bring for Zelda? Ron- I hope your sisters half as much fun as you. Hilda- Halves about right. (Calling up the stairs) Zelda! Ron’s here. Zelda hurries down dressed for a night on the town in a pale blue evening dress. Zelda- What d’ya think? Hilda- He’s cute, funny. He’s a real dear. A look of horror passes over Zelda’s face and Hilda realises what has just happened. Hilda- Oh I’m so sorry. Int. Spellman living room. Bambi is chewing on one of the cushions on the settee Zelda- (To Hilda) There’s something very wrong with you. She walks over to the one time Ron. Hilda- You're still going out with him? Zelda- Yes, we’re going to see ‘My best friends wedding’ Int. Kingpin Bowl. Harvey and Dante are stood at a table arm wrestling, Mano a mano. Things are pretty even. Dante- Had enough? Harvey- You couldn’t beat me if you had three arms. Dante- Oh is the so huh? And magically a third arm joins the fray on Dante’s part. He wins easily. Jean- (to Sabrina) Man! that was weird. Then... Jean- (Cont.) Look at that! Dante's spinning a bowling ball on the end of his finger. He’s really showing off the magic now. Sabrina has to do something and casts a little spell of her own. The Termite King hats that Harvey and Jean are wearing slip down over their eyes and get jammed. They stumble around blindly bumping into each other as they try to pull them off. Harvey- I told my dad these were cheap hats. Dante continues to spin his ball unconcerned. as Hilda arrives. Not through a door or anything, she just appears sat at a table with a spoon in her hand. Sabrina- Aunt Hilda? Hilda- Oh hi! I was hungry for some cereal, tried to conjure a bowl. She looks around herself and realises what as happened. It’s that darned punitis again, but it’s fortunate for Sabrina. She’s in need of a little help with that lose cannon, Dante. Sabrina- You’ve gotta help me. Dante’s out of control, he wont stop using his magic. Jean stumbles past groping. Jean- Harvey? Hilda- Have you tried using a power outage spell? Sabrina- Oh! Good idea. Hilda- Do you think they serve Corn Flakes here? Sabrina shakes her head. Hilda- (Cont.) Best be heading home. Good thing I wasn’t in the mood for a baked Alaska, huh? Poor Hilda. The punitis is getting worse as she disappears in a swirl of swirls. Hilda- (Cont.)(OS) Shoot! Man is it cold here. Sabrina turns her attention back to her problem date. Sabrina- You haven’t been nice, you haven’t been cordial. So for the next five minutes you're going to be mortal. The bowling ball drops from Dante’s finger just missing his toes as his magic disappears. Dante- Hey! You gave me a power outage! Sabrina- It’s time-out mister! Int. Kingpin Bowl, Four minutes and forty five seconds later. Harvey bowls a strike, Jean and Sabrina applaud, Dante sulks. Jean- That makes it one-seventy-five to sixteen. Harvey- D’you guys wanna go double or nothin’? Dante- In a sec’ (to self) Fifty-eight. Fifty-nine. (aloud) Five minutes. Spells over it’s party time. He gets up and heads for Harvey. Sabrina- Oh no! Time for plan B. She thinks frantically Sabrina-(Cont.) Oh no there is no plan B. Dante’s through playing nice. He snaps his fingers and Harvey is transformed into a bowling pin. Sabrina has to deal with this but first. Sabrina- (To Jean) Your hats slipping. With a spell she makes Jean’s hat slip over her eyes once more. Jean- Harvey? Sabrina? Dante flicks his finger and the Harvey pin shoots off to join the other nine at the far end of the alley. He picks up a ball. Dante- I’m beginning to get a real feel for this game. Two handedly he bowls the ball, it rolls true down the centre. The pin Harvey watches it come with a look of horror. Pin Harvey- Nooooooo! Sabrina is just in time with the finger as the ball comes to a stop within an inch of the Pin Harvey’s nose in a squeal of breaks. Sabrina- Ah Dante! Dante- What! Sabrina- Date’s over. Dante- Fine! I’m outa here. What’s the point of hanging out with mortals if you can’t torture 'em? Dante leaves, much to Sabrina relief, and Harvey’s if he still had the wits to be relieved. She casts a spell to bring the Pin Harvey to the score table but has to grab it and hide it behind her back as Jean comes back having finally freed herself from her Termite King hat. Jean- Phew! I am done with hats for a while. Where’d Harvey go? Sabrina- Er, he went home. Forgot to feed his fish. Jean- Well I can’t believe he’d just leave me here. What kind of guy’d do that? Sabrina- We just went over that, Harvey. He said he was sorry. Jean- I thought he really liked me. Sabrina- Sorry. Gotta go. She runs from the bowling alley. Int. Spellman living room. The Pin Harvey is on the piano. Pin Harvey- Hmmm. Cheese. Cheese good, Hmmm. Cut to Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda watching him. Sabrina- He seems sorta dumb. Hilda- He’s a pinhead. Zelda- Rock and rouble, thunder and wind. Release this poor shlub from his bowling pin. The Pin Harvey transforms into Harvey sat on the piano complete with Termite King hat. He looks around. Harvey- How’d I get here? Sabrina- Phew! Harvey- Hi Sabrina. Hmmm cheese good, hmmm Hilda- (To Sabrina) There’s a little residual pinheadedness. Sabrina- Harvey, you look tired. Er, maybe you should go home. She takes his arm and leads him towards the front door. Harvey- Home, Hmmm! Sabrina- Yeah. Harvey leaves. Zelda- Sabrina, we have to apologise. I’m sorry we set you up with Dante, that anti mortal creep. Hilda- He turned out to be nothing but a big bonehead. Dante pops out of thin air into the living room. He looks much the same if you don’t take into account the dinosaur sized thigh bone stuck through his head. Dante- Hey! Sabrina- And they say all puns are bad. Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda leave laughing. Dante- Come on, I got my school picture tomorrow. Int. Westbridge High School hallway, Sabrina and Valerie walk together. Valerie- Great news. I finally got a date. Sabrina- See, it was just a matter of time. Valerie- A third cousins okay, right? Sabrina- Sure. They part at a junction in the hallway as Harvey arrives. Sabrina- (Cont.) See ya! Harvey- Hey! Sabrina- Hey! How ya doin’ Have you talked to Jean? Harvey- I keep calling but she doesn’t answer the phone. What’d I do wrong? Sabrina has to make a choice and it’s not easy. She loves Harvey and hopes that he loves her in the same way but she knows that he also likes Jean. The only way she’ll know for sure how Harvey feels is if he makes the choice for himself. After all it was her fault that his date with Jean ended the way it did. She makes her choice and leaves it to Harvey to make his. As they pass the public phones she works her magic. The phone rings. Sabrina answers it. Sabrina- Hello? After a second. Sabrina (Cont.) Harvey, it’s for you. Harvey takes the phone and Sabrina slowly backs away. After all, there’s nothing that says she has to be happy about it. Harvey- (On phone) Hello? Jean- Harvey? This is weird. I don’t even remember dialling the phone, but... I have been thinking about you. Harvey- Really? Me too. Sabrina, who had been watching at a distance finally turns and walks off. she doesn’t see Harvey turn and look after her. Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s lying face down on the bed, chin resting on her arms looking very sad as she listens to a very sad song. Salem's lying beside her. Salem- <Sob> I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. Davy Jones sits playing and singing the song ‘Love you forever’ with Hilda and Zelda stood by watching. Zelda has a small smile on her face. Davy Jones stops playing. Davy Jones- Y’know, these kinda things never happen to Peter Tork. Sabrina- (To Zelda) Why are you smiling? It’s a sad song. Zelda- Because I have a date. Hilda- With who? Davy Jones puts down the guitar and offers Zelda his arm Davy Jones- Are you ready love? Zelda slips her hand through Davy Jones- (Cont.) Could we go to a restaurant? Y’know it’s been three days and nobody’s fed me. Int. Spellman Living room. Zelda, Hilda, Davy and Sabrina are all stood in a lines with there arms round each others backs. Davy Jones- Okay, we’ve got it, one last time. After three, this leg... He indicates the left leg Davy Jones- (Cont.) ..to the left. Sabrina- Got it. Hilda- It’s like line dancing. Davy Jones- Are you ready? One, two, three. They all set of in a lock step throwing the left legs out in front of the person on there left. Well, when I say all, I of course don’t include Hilda in that. She went to the right and stepped on Zelda. Zelda- Awww! Davy, do I have to do this next to her? Davy Jones- That’s alright. We had this problem with Micky and Mike but it all worked out. Roll Credits Davy Jones- (Cont.) Are you ready? Here we go. One more time. Wait a minute. Who’s got their hand on my bum? Hilda- That would be me. Davy Jones- One, two, three, okay. This time they get it right to the opening strains of ‘Hey Hey we’re The Monkeys’ Davy Jones- Can I go home now? <hr> <div align="center"><a href="transcripts.php">Return to Transcript Menu</a> | <a href="http://www.bccnet.force9.co.uk/transcripts/sttw028.htm">Original Page</a></div> </td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" width="100%"> <hr><script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-4357758776393046" crossorigin="anonymous"></script>  <ins class="adsbygoogle" style="display:block" data-ad-client="ca-pub-4357758776393046" data-ad-slot="8755324583" data-ad-format="auto" data-full-width-responsive="true"></ins> <script> (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); </script> </td> </tr> </table> </td> <td align="right" valign="top" width="150" class="rightnav"> <table border="0"> <tr> <td class="rightbar" align="center">Pic of the Week</td> </tr> <tr> <td><a href="/pictures/viewpic.php?gallery=1&pic=1"><img border="0" src="../images/picofweek_test.jpg"></a></td> </tr>  <tr> <td align="center"> <script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-4357758776393046" crossorigin="anonymous"></script>  <ins class="adsbygoogle" style="display:block" data-ad-client="ca-pub-4357758776393046" data-ad-slot="5248954727" data-ad-format="auto" data-full-width-responsive="true"></ins> <script> (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); </script> </td> </tr> </table> </td> </tr> </table> <div align="center"><center> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%" class="copyright"> <tr> <td align="center">Copyright © Owen Rudge 2002-2004 and David Garbutt 1996-2001. All Rights Reserved. <a style="font-weight: normal" href="../about.php#legal">Legal Information</a> | <a href="http://www.owenrudge.net/privacy" target="_blank" style="font-weight: normal">Privacy Policy</a> | <a href="../contact.php" style="font-weight: normal">Contact Me</a></td> </tr> </table> </center></div> </body> </html>