Dummy For Love

Int. Spellman’s Kitchen. A normal morning in the Spellman residence. Hilda is eating breakfast accompanied by the Spellman pet cat Salem and as in all households the kitchen counter is piled deep in Wittles Waffle boxes. The toaster pops two waffles up.

Hilda- Oh, that ones yours.

Salem- Sorry, thirty waffles is my limit, and that’s something that I really didn’t want to know about myself.

Zelda enters carrying a mug with ZELDA written on it diagonally and an envelope, she looks around.

Zelda- Let me guess. A tribute to Belgium?

Salem- We’re trying to win the great waffles sweep stakes.

Hilda picks up an empty Wittles Waffles box.

Hilda-(Advert imitation) Inside one of these specially marked boxes of Wittles Waffles is a genuine solid gold waffle. Some parts of Canada not eligible

Zelda- Oh good. I thought you were just wasting time.

Hilda removes the freshly done waffles from the toaster.

Zelda- (Cont.) When you’ve finished with the toaster would you send this through to the Other Realm for me.

She hands Hilda the Envelope

Hilda- Oh man! You got called for Witches Council duty?

Zelda fills her mug with coffee.

Zelda- Yeah, and I have to send in a postponement letter. I’m just too busy with my chemistry.

Salem- I don’t have to do witches duty anymore, and that’s just one of the perks of being a felon.

Zelda- Please, don’t forget to send it.

Hilda- What do we look like to you? Morons?

Salem- Get the camera.

She turns to see Salem balancing 16 Waffles on his head,

Hilda- Oh! I promise, I’ll send it.

Zelda- Thanks.

As she reaches the door she turns

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh, by the way. Did you happen the think that the solid gold waffle might be in the heavy box?

Zelda leaves, Hilda and the circus cat look at each other.

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway, Morning. Sabrina and Valerie come through the doors together. Valerie spots a boy in a Westbridge football jersey with the number 44 on the front and stops with an in drawn breath.

Valerie- Look at him Sabrina. Kirk, isn’t he beautiful?

Sabrina- Yeah and it’s all on the outside where it matters.

The beautiful Kirk walks away as Harvey arrives.

Valerie- (To Harvey) Hey, you're on the football team with Kirk. Tell me everything you know about him.

Harvey- I think he gets athletes-foot a lot.

Valerie- Carry me over, sweet Jehovah.

She wonders off in a love sick haze as Sabrina and Harvey walk on together.

Sabrina- Are you okay? You seem kinda down.

Harvey- I just found out that Joseph Stalin was a bad guy.

Sabrina- Yeah, and the whole schools taking it really hard.

Harvey- No. It means I’ve flunked my European history exam.

They reach Harvey's locker and he puts his bag away.

Harvey- (Cont.) I didn’t have time to study now that coach added and extra hour to football practice.

Sabrina- I’m sure that if you talked to him he’d have let you out early.

Harvey- I did talk to him. Coach said 'Anybody can read, but you can’t teach speed'

Sabrina- That’s ridiculous, but I guess it makes sense coming from a guy who wears a weight belt to lunch.

Int. Spellman’s kitchen. Sabrina’s sat at the table typing on a white lap-top computer, Salem is sat at the side watching.

Salem- What ya writing?

Sabrina- It’s an editorial for our school paper about how too much emphasis is placed on school sports and not enough on our schools intellectual achievements

Salem- Seriously, what are ya writing?

Sabrina looks at him. as Hilda enters

Hilda- Hey!

And walks into the small sapling that’s grown by the side of the counter

Sabrina- Careful, tree in the kitchen.

Hilda- What gives?

She steps back and bats at the young tree then snaps her fingers as she recalls

Hilda- (Cont.) I must have spilled some bark extract when I was making a spell for that guy I dated.

Sabrina- Randy?

Hilda- Yeah, Oh, I hope it made him a better listener.

Int. Randy's bathroom. Randy's looking into the mirror and sobbing. He has sprouted ears on his forehead, ears on his cheeks, ears on his chin, even ears on his ears. he is not happy, but he can hear a pin drop a mile away.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Hilda is imagining the scene. she is happy.

Zelda- (OS) HILDA!

Zelda comes round the corner into the kitchen with a letter in her hand. She somehow misses the tree in the kitchen. She is not happy.

Zelda- (Cont.) You forgot to mail my postponement letter.

She slams the letter down on the counter.

Zelda- (Cont.) I have Witches Council duty starting tomorrow.

Hilda- Oops!

Zelda- Oh I don’t believe this.

She raises her finger and thumb together.

Zelda- (Cont.) I was this close to finding a cure for acne, and now there’s no hope for the oily.

Hilda- Why don’t you just take the notice and throw it away and say you never got it. I’ve heard witches do it all the time

Zelda- Because it’s wrong, and I don’t want to set a bad example for Sabrina.

Sabrina- Don’t worry. Watching you throw away a letter is not going to make me knock over a liquor store

Zelda- I mean I definitely will serve. I-I want to serve. It’s just that now is not a good time.

Zelda scrumples up the notice as Hilda watches on delighted, it’s not often that she gets the chance to watch her sister doing something naughty.

Hilda- At'a girl.

Zelda throws it in the garbage can. The garbage can throws it back and is a pretty good shot getting Zelda on the nose. The notice falls to the floor and smoothes itself out.

Zelda- Oh, why couldn’t I have been an only child?

Int. Westbridge High School. The Westbridge Lantern class room. the next morning. Sabrina is looking at the final draft for this weeks school paper.

Sabrina- What’s going on here?

Libby hears her comment and comes over.

Libby- Don’t bother looking for your editorial, I took it out. It was totally offensive to cheerleaders.

Sabrina- You can’t do that. Valerie’s the editor.

Libby- Wrong, I am.

Libby walks out of the room and Sabrina heads over to Valerie.

Sabrina- Why is Libby saying she’s the editor?

Valerie- 'Cause I kind of let her be editor for a week in return for introducing me to Kirk.

Sabrina- Yeah, that makes sense. They do that all the time at The Washington Post.

Valerie- I know it was a stupid idea but I really think this is the guy I’m supposed to marry

Sabrina- Did you at least meet him?

Valerie- Not exactly. Libby pushed his face into the water fountain and then blamed me for it. He seemed more... wet than smitten.

Sabrina sees a student taking the final draft for printing and with a gesture to Valerie runs after him.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina catches up with the student.

Sabrina- The printers on my way home. I could take that if you want?

Student- Gee thanks.

He hands over the draft and walks off, one job less. Sabrina props the draft up against the phones in the hall, steps back and makes sure no-one is watching. A quick point and most of the front page floats off into the rubbish bin. Another and the picture of Libby in full cheerleader kit and the title ‘LIBBY The ever-vigilant keeper of our school spirit’ is changed to a picture of Libby in full cheerleader kit stuffing her pie covered face with more pie and the title of ‘LIBBY Likes pie and lots of it’ and finally the last finger point and the editorial ‘What’s New On Libby?’ changes to ‘Why We’re Really Here’ by Sabrina Spellman.

Sabrina- Much better.

She picks up the copy and walks off.

Int. School Cafeteria, the next day, Sabrina walks in with a full lunch tray. Harvey enters behind her with his tray.

Harvey- Sabrina! I really liked your editorial.

Sabrina- Thanks. You were my inspiration.

Harvey- I know. I just hope Coach doesn’t find out. Oh well, blocking sledge isn’t so bad once you go numb.

Sabrina and Harvey find an empty table and sit facing one another just as a furious Libby shows up.

Libby- (To Sabrina) There you are.

She slams a copy of the Westbridge Lantern on to the table.

Sabrina- Hi Libby. Thanks for putting my editorial in the paper.

Libby- I didn’t, you must have. You also must have doctored this ridiculous photo of me.

She hold up the offending picture.

Libby- (Cont.) I don’t even like pie!

Harvey- Everybody likes pie.

Sabrina- How can you win a pie eating contest if you don’t like pie?

Libby stamps her foot in frustration and storms out.

Int. school hallway, later. Sabrina’s walking to class, her leather book-bag over her shoulder, She turns a corner but is called back

Mr. Kraft- Sabrina!

She waits until Mr. Kraft catches up and they walk together

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) You have to write a retraction for your editorial.

Sabrina- What! But it’s an opinion. You can’t retract an opinion.

Mr. Kraft- Oh you can and you will. You know the biggest donations to this school come from high school sports and I will not let that go away because of some teenage Ghandi.

Sabrina- I’m sorry, but I think it’d be wrong for me to do that.

Mr. Kraft- Look I am in charge here, and in order to maintain a free press you will write whatever I tell you to

Sabrina- But I was just supporting my boyfriend Harvey.

Mr. Kraft- Oh!

Sabrina- (Cont.) I mean, he failed an important exam because the Coach wouldn’t let him study.

Mr. Kraft picked up his ever-present note pad and pencil

Mr. Kraft- Your boyfriends name is Harvey?

He writes the name down and Sabrina realises her mistake.

Sabrina- Er No. <Coughs> Excuse me, <Croak> choking.

She dashes off while Mr. Kraft continues writing in his note pad. Libby, who has been lurking in the background, comes up to him unseen.

Libby- Is Sabrina causing trouble again?

Mr. Kraft- Oh, I have seen her type a million times. The individual.

Libby- Keep your eye on her Mr. Kraft. There’s something weird about that girl.

Mr. Kraft- You're a good American Libby.

Mr. Kraft walks off, Libby’s left smiling about her wonderful piece of stirring.

Int. The Spellman kitchen. Hilda enters in her lumberjack outfit, red and black work shirt open to the waist to reveal a button neck vest beneath, black denims, red hard hat, leather handling gloves and plastic safety goggles. Oh yes, and a chain saw. The tree is not a sapling any longer and Sabrina is making herself a drink in its leafy shade.

Hilda- Best take cover, me and this tree here have business to ten’ to

Sabrina- Shouldn’t we call a professional?

Hilda pulls on the starter cord and on the second attempt it roars into life. She lifts it towards the tree and Sabrina ducks out from under it just as the front door-bell rings

Sabrina- (Cont.) Just a suggestion.

Sabrina exits the kitchen as the saw bites into wood sending a cloud of sawdust around the kitchen.

Int. Spellman Living room. Salem is resting on the cupboard at the back of the settee, Sabrina enters from the kitchen as the door-bell rings again.

Salem- Door-bell.

Sabrina gives that withering look that he ignores so well and continues to the door. She pulls it open and is surprised and somewhat unhappy to see that it’s Vice-Principle Kraft.

Sabrina- Mr. Kraft! What are you doing at my house?

Mr. Kraft- Well surprise is the Vice-Principles only friend.

Zelda enters from the dinning room and sees the pair at the door.

Zelda- Hello. May I help you?

Mr. Kraft invites himself in.

Mr. Kraft- Well I certainly hope so. I’m Willard Kraft, I’m the Vice-Principle at Westbridge High

He shakes hands with Zelda as Sabrina closes the door.

Salem- (Disguised as a cough) Loser.

Zelda- I’m Sabrina’s aunt. Is there some sort of problem?

Mr. Kraft- Well Sabrina has written a very offensive editorial and I think it best that she writes a retraction to it.

Zelda- But it’s an opinion. You can’t retract an opinion.

Mr. Kraft- That’s what she said. I mean what is this place? Some kind of cult?

He looks around at the living room decor just as the chain saw starts up again in the kitchen.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) And what is going on in there?

He’s off towards the kitchen before either Zelda or Sabrina can stop him. They have to chase after.

Sabrina- Oh, we just have a really loud ice maker.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. The sound of the chain saw is loud as the door to the living room opens and Willard Kraft enters with Sabrina and Zelda on his heals. He sees a fairly large tree growing by the counter and moves closer to see a female lumberjack sawing through a branch, one foot on a stool the other up on the counter. As he looks up at her we hear strains of the Hallelujah chorus and he slowly removes his glasses. He’s enchanted by the sight. His hand goes to his mouth in wonder until Hilda who has been totally engrossed in her work puts down the saw and pulls down her goggles to see this total stranger gazing at her in awe.

Hilda- Oh, Hi. I’m Ju...

Mr. Kraft- (Interrupting) The holy city which is your face, your little cheeks the streets of smiles. E. E. Cumming's.

Hilda- Who are you?

He Extends his hand.

Mr. Kraft- Willard Kraft, Vice-Principle.

She takes it.

Hilda- Hilda Spellman, not interested.

Sabrina and Zelda watch on with bemused smiles on their faces.

Mr. Kraft- I’ve never seen anything like this before.

Hilda- It’s called a tree. I’m glad our niece is being taught by someone so worldly.

Mr. Kraft- You know once you get this out of here the floors going to be a mess. I er, I’d be happy to give you some er tips on refinishing. You know... over coffee... or maybe dinner... and dancing.

Hilda- No.

Hilda starts her chain saw once more, Mr. Kraft already forgotten as he beats a retreat from the Spellman house stinging from the curt rejection. Zelda and Sabrina’s amusement didn’t help.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. The next day. The school bell rings. Sabrina is at her locker. Valerie enters clutching her books.

Valerie- I now my mother say’s I’m too dramatic but this time I’m serious. If I don’t talk to Kirk soon I will not be able to take in another breath.

Sabrina takes Valerie by the arms and pushes her against the locker and pretends to beat on her chest in the tried and tested soap opera fashion.

Sabrina- Don’t you quit on me Val

Valerie is not amused and walks away shaking her head.

Sabrina- Oh come on. It was a little funny.

Sabrina is worried about her friend and wonders if there’s anything she can do for her. She points at her locker and her magic book appears there and she starts to look through it.

Sabrina- There’s got to be something in here that can help Val. A-ha, perfect.

She rips half a page from the book and closes the locker.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Cupid!

She belatedly realises that someone might have seen her so she quickly looks around and slips into an empty class room

Int. Empty class room. Sabrina comes in and closes the door and looks at the piece of page she has.

Sabrina- (Reading) 'Love is beautiful, love is alive, send me cupid for just five ninety-five.'

She points her finger and lots of bright red bubbly hearts appear and disperse leaving a tired looking middle aged man with a bad perm, He’s wearing a 36in waist diaper and carrying a gold recurve bow and a quiver of arrows slung over his shoulder. Apart from that he’s naked. His pot-belly hangs over his diaper. Sabrina isn’t impressed.

Sabrina- You're Cupid? You don’t look like Cupid.

Cupid- Gee, never heard that one before.

She takes his arm a leads him to the classroom door.

Int. School hallway. A classroom door opens a crack and Sabrina and Cupid peer out.

Sabrina- I want you to make him...

She points out Kirk stood at his locker.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ...Attracted to her.

Indicating Valerie across the hall. Cupid holds out his hand.

Cupid- Five ninety-five.

Sabrina hands over the money and Cupid tucks it in the top of his diaper. He takes an arrow from his quiver and puts it to the string, Takes a bead on Kirk and looses. The Arrow flies true leaving a trail of bubbly heart and dips at the last second to take Kirk in the butt just as another boy walks past. Kurt spins round and stops the small Geek.

Kirk- Hey! You just touched my butt.

Geek- I didn’t, I swear!

Kirk pokes the other boy.

Kirk- Yes you did, you just touched my butt.

Sabrina and Cupid watch the action, Cupid’s enjoying the show but Sabrina’s worried.

Sabrina- If he’s going to fall in love with him I want my money back.

Cupid- Just wait. just wait.

Just then a sliding base line flow into a smoking blues number as Kirk suddenly catches sight of Valerie and his imminent pounding of the smaller boy is forgotten as he pushes him aside. Focused totally on that ravishing vision of loveliness across the hall he moves over. He must speak to her, he must have her, she’s the only thing in his world. Valerie watches him approach sure that he going somewhere that just happens to take him in her direction until he stops before her.

Kirk- Hi, what’s your name?

She looks around wondering who he’s talking to and realising that she’s the only person there and she must answer.

Valerie- I... I... can’t remember.

Sabrina smiles happily and Cupid proudly.

Int. School cafeteria, Sabrina has a lunch tray and Valerie runs in.

Valerie- You’llneverguesswho’saskedmeout. Kirk! ha-ha.

Sabrina- Should I still guess?

Valerie- I’m so excited, I can’t eat. I can’t even sit down. I think I’m going to throw up.

Valerie clutches her stomach and runs out again. Sabrina carries on into the cafeteria and finds Harvey who’s already seated and gives him a little nudge.

Sabrina- Hey,

Harvey winces in pain.

Sabrina- (Cont.) What’s wrong?

Harvey- Coach was a little hard on me in practice yesterday. He didn’t like your editorial very much.

Sabrina- Oh no, he found that I was your girlfriend?

Harvey nods and Sabrina sees Mr. Kraft and the coach talking together in the cafeteria.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And I bet I know how.

As if to prove it Mr. Kraft smiles over at her and gives her the victory sign. She wonders if the aggravation they’re all getting is worth it.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Maybe I should just write a retraction.

Harvey- No. It would be wrong for you to write something you don’t believe in. No matter how it effects my spine.

Harvey winces again.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina walks down the hall. Libby come round the corner and catch her up.

Libby- Sabrina! Here’s your next assignment for the paper.

She hand Sabrina a pink slip of paper. Sabrina reads it.

Libby- (Cont.) Mr. Kraft says you're not allowed to write editorials any more.

Sabrina- I have to write an article on lunch menu’s?

Libby- No. You just have to transcribe the menu’s. Can you handle that?

Libby walks away from Sabrina to her locker. Sabrina isn’t the type of girl to take petty revenge... unless it’s absolutely necessary. As Libby opens her locker Sabrina does a little pointing act and pies fall from the locker all over Libby who screams. Sabrina along with everyone in the hallway laugh at the pie spattered Libby. The screams and laughter attract Mr. Kraft who stops beside Sabrina.

Mr. Kraft- Sabrina!

Libby- I don’t even like pie.

Mr. Kraft- (To Sabrina) You filled Libby’s locker with pie’s, didn’t you?

Sabrina- Libby’s locker? Pie’s? Me?

Mr. Kraft- You, and I think this warrants a little time in detention.

Sabrina- Oh that’s not fair... and that would really upset my aunt Hilda who likes you so very much.

That caught his attention

Mr. Kraft- Really? Boy, I didn’t get that impression.

Sabrina- Oh she’s just shy. Doesn’t get out much.

Mr. Kraft- Interesting. Yeah, you know that business about the detention, now that does not have to happen this year.

Sabrina- Alright! Thanks Mr. Kraft.

Sabrina walks off relieved and pleased with herself. Mr. Kraft tugs at his jacket.

Mr. Kraft- Still catnip to the ladies.

Int. Spellman living room

Sabrina- Pleeease! Pleeeease....

Sabrina is standing inches away from Hilda’s ear pleading as Hilda tries in vain to read a magazine.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Pleeeeeeeease! Please go out with Mr. Kraft.

Hilda- No, he’s a goofball. Now leave me alone.

Sabrina- But he’s nice to me when you like him.

Hilda- When have I ever liked him?

Sabrina- Well you did kinda today, but to change the subject. I think he’s suspicious of my magic.

Hilda- Then don’t do magic at school. Now if you don’t mind I’m reading a very important George Clooney article.

Hilda raises the magazine and starts to read, ignoring Sabrina. Sabrina hasn’t given up. She points at the magazine. As Hilda’s reads the magazine there’s a quarter page add for ‘Peal’ hair product with the legend ‘For great hair a’Peal’ showing the back of a brunette with long flowing locks hanging to the small of her back. she’s wearing a silver dress with her hands on her hips. The girl in the add turns, she has Sabrina’s face.

Add Sabrina- Pleeeeeeeese! Pleeease! Please.

Hilda- (To page) No!

She looks up at Sabrina

Sabrina- Pleeeease!

Hilda- No!

Hilda decides she’s had enough of her nieces pestering and jumps up heading for the stairs.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Come on!

Sabrina follows. Hilda is halfway up the stairs when Sabrina cast’s her spell from below. Six Sabrina heads floating at head height suddenly surround the put upon Hilda

Six Sabrina heads- (Out of sinc with each other) Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!

Hilda- (Interrupting) Never.

The heads disperse and Hilda makes her escape.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Okay, we’ll talk about it later.

The phone rings. Salem who is ‘resting’ inches from it on the cupboard behind the settee makes an effort to raise his head.

Salem- Phone!

Sabrina walks over and picks it up as Salem tries to get back to some serious nap time.

Sabrina- Hello?

Int. Westbridge High School hallway public phone. Mr. Kraft talks into the receiver.

Mr. Kraft- Oh hi. May I speak with Hilda please?

Int. Spellman living room

Sabrina- One moment please.

Sabrina puts her hand over the mouthpiece and turns to Salem

Sabrina- Salem, what am I going to do? It’s Mr. Kraft calling for aunt Hilda

Salem- Start speaking in Spanish and hang up.

But Sabrina has what she thinks is a better idea and points at her throat casting a little spell and speaks into the phone

Sabrina- (With Hilda’s voice) Hello?

Mr. Kraft- Hi Hi-Hilda. This is Willard... Kraft. I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner on Saturday night?

Sabrina- (Still as Hilda) Why, I’d love to... Willard.

Salem- That was amazing. Now do Nixon.

Sabrina gives him her look but can’t say anything as she’s still on the phone.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem is ‘resting’ on Sabrina’s bed and Sabrina has thought of a fool proof method of getting Hilda to go out with Mr. Kraft.

Sabrina- Love is beautiful, it's never corrupt, send me the six dollar Cupid, unless the rates have gone up.

A burst of bubbly heart produces the sorry looking Cupid whose caught off guard shaking talc into the top of his diaper. He looks up surprised and a little embarrassed to find himself in a girls bedroom. Sabrina’s looks at him questioningly.

Cupid- I chafe!

Sabrina- Look, I need you to make my aunt temporarily attracted to my Vice-Principle.

Cupid- No problem.

He reaches into his diaper and pulls out a rolled up parchment.

Cupid- First of course, I’m going to need your aunt to sign a release form.

Sabrina- But I didn’t have to do that last time.

Cupid- That was because we were dealing with a minor. Minor's don’t sue. Or I should say rarely

Sabrina- Doesn’t a release form sort of eliminate the element of surprise?

Cupid- Miss, I’m sorry but people never used to sue. Now the slightest little thing and boom, I got the nice diaper on and I’m standing in front of a judge.

Sabrina- Sorry, then I guess I just can’t do it.

She hands back the form which he exchanges for a small card.

Cupid- Well, If you change your mind, here’s my card. I also do catering.

In a reverse of the bursting heart effect he disappears.

Sabrina- Salem, what am I going to do? I have to get aunt Hilda out on that date tonight.

She sits at her desk and starts thumbing through her magic book.

Salem- I could go instead of Hilda. You know me, any excuse to wear taffeta.

Sabrina- There’s gotta be something in here. What’s this? How to make your friend act like a dummy. Great for parties.

Salem- Oh, I know that spell. The Charlie McCarthy. They still have their motor skills but you have to talk for them.

Sabrina- That’s perfect. I’ll sneak along on the date and talk for aunt Hilda. Will you distract aunt Zelda while I put the spell on aunt Hilda?

Salem- Hey, is a dog dumber than a hammer? Hahaha... That’s a yes. I’ve been meaning to talk to her anyway.

Int. Spellman dinning room. The door opens and Zelda hurries in wearing a smart black business suit with a coat over her arm and a metal flask, she’s wearing spectacles. She sits at the table, Salem's already seated there.

Zelda- What is it Salem. I don’t want to be late for the Witches Council.

Salem- Ahem, Now that you're on the Witches Council I thought I’d show you a different side of Salem.

Zelda- I can’t get your sentence reduced.

Salem- No longer the world domination Salem of the past but a more charitable Salem, shirt off your back Salem. That’s his nickname down at the shelter.

He pushes one of the many photo’s on the table towards Zelda with his paw. Zelda picks it up.

Zelda- Salem, how do you know Mother Theresa?

She shows the badly doctored picture of Mother Theresa with a child in one hand and Salem in the other wearing a collar and tie.

Salem- Fund raiser.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina is peering round the curtains at the window. Hilda is coming down the stairs to go out wearing T-shirt and leggings. Sabrina rushes to intercept her.

Hilda- Bye Sabrina!

Sabrina- Wait! Where ya going?

Hilda- The gym.

Sabrina- You can’t! I mean, you don’t need to go to the gym, with that body?

Hilda- I don’t go to the gym for my body. I go for the attractive juice boy

Hilda tries to leave again.

Sabrina- Wait!

She starts to cry. Hilda is suckered in and takes Sabrina in her arms and Sabrina sobs on her shoulder.

Sabrina- <Sob> Aunt Hilda

Hilda- What?

Sabrina- It’s so awful

Hilda- What is so awful?

Sabrina- Um, being a teenager.

Sabrina continues to cry on Hilda’s shoulder as Hilda pats her back.

Int. Spellman dinning room. Zelda is perusing through the pile of photo’s that Salem has brought.

Zelda- You and Albert Schweitzer? You and Desmond Tutu? Salem, these are obviously doctored photo’s

Salem- It hurts me that you w... woul... <Sob!> I can’t keep it up. I don’t know those guys. They wouldn’t return my calls. I just don’t wanna be a cat any more.

Zelda reaches across to stroke the tearful cat

Zelda- Oh don’t cry, your fur will melt.

Salem sobs loudly

Zelda- (Cont.) Okay, I’ll put in a good word at the Witches Council for you.

Salem- You will?

Zelda- Sure. What’s this?

She holds up another photo.

Zelda- (Cont.) You and Sherry Lewis?

Salem- Er, hmph. Th-Th-That’s actually from my personal collection.

Int. Spellman living room. The foot of the stairs. Sabrina’s still doing her crying act and Hilda’s still falling for it though getting impatient, she looks at her watch.

Hilda- There there.

There’s a knock on the door and Sabrina suddenly stops crying stands straight and spins Hilda round while pointing at her.

Sabrina- Be a dummy, be a fool. switch off your brain but please don’t drool.

When the spell is cast and Hilda stops spinning she just stands looking blankly forward. Sabrina is pleased with the results.

Sabrina- Lets give this a try. My name is Hilda.

No sooner has she said the words than...

Hilda- Lets give this a try. My name is Hilda.

Sabrina- Coowel!

Hilda- Coowel!

The door bell rings and Sabrina looks at what Hilda is wearing. That just wont do for her big date and a quick spell later Hilda is attired in an over the top black dress with bright red flame patterns over the shoulders and her hair is up. Sabrina pulls the compliant aunt towards the door and ducks into a cupboard. Hilda opens the door. Mr. Kraft is there holding a bunch of flowers.

Mr. Kraft- Oh Hilda, you look beautiful tonight.

Hilda- Thanks. You look totally hot.

Mr. Kraft- Really?

He hand the bunch of flowers to Hilda.

Mr. Kraft- (Cont.) These are for you.

Hilda- Thanks. Let's go.

Mr. Kraft- Okay.

He leads the way. Hilda follows dropping the flowers on the doorstep. A second later Sabrina dashes out after them.

Int. Custer’s Steakhouse. The sign boasts ‘You won’t be able to stand after eating our thirty-two ounce Rib Eye’ Mr. Kraft leads in a silent Hilda.

Mr. Kraft- You were awfully quiet in the car.

Hilda remains awfully quiet until Sabrina run into the restaurant and duck behind a potted palm.

Hilda- (Out of breath) Hi, phew! I mean, what a great place.

Mr. Kraft- Yeah, it’s my favourite. There’s a booth.

Hilda- Cool.

Mr. Kraft leads Hilda to the booth and they sit as Sabrina takes a menu from the waitress and uses it to hide behind as she passes them and sits at the next booth back to back with Hilda. Another waitress comes up to Sabrina as she sits.

Waitress- What’ll it be?

Sabrina shakes her head. She can’t speak without aunt Hilda repeating her words.

Waitress- (Cont.) Sweetie, you're going to have to order something.

Sabrina looks at the menu

Sabrina- I’ll have an Ice Tea and The Cowboy special.

Mr. Kraft- ...From Indiana, and my father...

Hilda- (Interrupting) I’ll have an Ice Tea and The Cowboy special.

Mr. Kraft- All right, the little waitress should be here shortly.

Sabrina really needs to get rid of the waitress but she’s trying to be helpful.

Waitress- The special? That’s a lot of meat and it comes with four kinds of beans.

Sabrina- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I’m real hungry.

Mr. Kraft- My father was a Bricklayer...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I’m real hungry.

Mr. Kraft- Okay!.

He waving to the Waitress.

Mr. Kraft- Miss!

Int. Custer’s Steakhouse, Later.

Mr. Kraft- ...So I haven’t spoken to my ex-wife or my brother since. You know this is my first real date since the divorce. Although the erm, free time has been good for me now. I’ve been able to spend some real quality time... with my Grandma. I-I told you that I’m living with her, didn’t I?

Hilda- Yeah. You grossed me out with that earlier.

Mr. Kraft- Enough about me. Tell me about yourself.

Hilda- Not much to tell. I like to play the violin. I want you to stop being mean to Sabrina.

Mr. Kraft- I haven’t been mean to Sabrina

Hilda- Have so. You’ve been mean to Harvey too.

Mr. Kraft- Well, I don’t know what she’s been telling you but...

Hilda- (Interrupting) Just promise to quit it!

Mr. Kraft- Okay! I promise.

Hilda- Whoo-Hoo!

Mr. Kraft- You're kinda pushy aren’t ya. I think I like that.

Valerie walks down the tables. She sees Sabrina sat on her own.

Valerie- Sabrina! I’m so glad you’re here. What are you doing here?

Sabrina remains silent. Valerie sits at her table.

Valerie- (Cont.) Look, you can tell me later. I’m on my date with Kirk right now, and I can’t go through with it.

Sabrina can’t resist.

Sabrina- You're here with Kirk?

Mr. Kraft- I don’t know a Kirk.

Valerie- I’ve peaked. I was so excited about my date that I got ready too early. About six hours too early and now my hair and may make-up is all going down hill.

Sabrina- You have not peaked.

Hilda- You have not peaked.

Mr. Kraft- Really! you mean that?

Hilda- Yeah, you look totally beautiful.

Sabrina- Your hair looks great...

Hilda- ...and that is a totally cool outfit.

Mr. Kraft- Really! You don’t think it makes me look a little too... Hippie?

Valerie- Thanks, I needed that.

Sabrina spots something on Valerie.

Sabrina- Oh! Come here.

Valerie- What’s on my face? An eye lash?

Hilda- Yeah, Come here.

Mr. Kraft- (hutching closer) Oh how’s this

Hilda- No, closer.

Mr. Kraft- Oh you are feisty and I like that.

Sabrina removes the eyelash and showing it to Valerie.

Hilda- Make a wish.

Mr. craft removes his spectacles and leans forward.

Mr. Kraft- Okay-dokay.

He kisses Hilda and the spell breaks lose along with all hell. Hilda pushes him away not knowing what’s going on or how she got there and screams in his face.

Mr. Kraft- Too much Garlic?

Hilda flashes her finger at the table. There’s an aerosol of mace there that wasn’t there a second ago. She grabs it and spays it into Mr. Kraft’s face. He screams. Hilda jumps out of her seat and turns just as Sabrina stands on the other side of the booth partition. They see each other and both scream.

Int. Spellman Upstairs landing. Hilda comes up the stairs dragging a contrite Sabrina behind her by her wrist.

Sabrina- I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!

Sabrina tries the six Sabrina heads spell that hadn’t worked earlier.

Six Sabrina heads- (Out of sinc with each other) I’m sorry! I’m Sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

Hilda- Save your breath

The heads disappear.

Hilda- (Cont.) Come on young lady.

She drags Sabrina towards the closet door.

Sabrina- You’re taking me to the Witches Council?

Hilda- No. I’m taking you to your aunt Zelda. She’s much better at punishing than I am.

Hilda opens the closet door and pushes Sabrina inside. The door closes, there’s a crash of thunder, lightning flashes round the door frame.

Ext. The Other Realm, Council chamber. The council chamber sits amongst the clouds, blue sky shows through, even the floor is clouds. There’s a recess in progress. Council members queue to use the one phone, they all have plastic name tags. Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda, who has a plastic name tag, are there also. Hilda has just finished telling Zelda what Sabrina has been up to.

Zelda- Oh Sabrina! How could you put a spell on Hilda?

Sabrina- You know, I think when you threw away that jury letter it did have a bad effect on me.

Zelda gives Sabrina a hard look.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’m sorry, it was incredibly stupid. Hey can my punishment be that I had to eat two pounds of steak?

Witch page boy- Witches Council resumes in ten minutes

Zelda- You know putting a spell on a guardian is very dangerous. It leaves us unable to protect you. What if there was an emergency. (to Hilda) Why are you wearing that awful dress?

Sabrina- But you don’t understand. It was the only way I could save Harvey from Mr. Kraft.

Zelda- Oh so you were doing this to save Harvey?

Sabrina- Right!

Zelda- Is that the only person you were trying to save.

Sabrina- Yes.

Zelda- So it was a totally selfless act?

Sabrina- Okay.

Zelda- Let's see if you're telling the truth.

Zelda points at a patch of cloud, I mean floor, and a six foot diameter circle of light appears. Zelda guides Sabrina within the circle of light.

Zelda- Sabrina. If you’re telling the truth you’ll be able to stay inside the circle.

Sabrina nervously looks about the circle expecting to be ejected at any second, nothing happens and she begins to feel that just might get away with this.

Sabrina- Looking good. I’m staying in the circle.

Zelda- But that’s not all. You have to stay inside the circle while wrestling your conscience.

Zelda claps her hands twice and the whole Other Realm feels the after shocks as a sumo wrestler lands from a great height inside the circle with Sabrina. As sumo wrestlers go, he’s not in the heavy weight bracket but compared to the petite witch he’s huge.

Sabrina- That’s my conscience!

Zelda- Apparently.

With a grunt Sabrina’s conscience takes his stance. feet wide apart, knees bent, hands on knees. Sabrina, who’s willing to have a go copies his stance but it’s a poor copy. They glare at one another and Sabrina’s conscience growls. Sabrina has second thoughts about having a go, her conscience is weighing too heavily on her

Sabrina- Okay, I may have been trying to save myself just a little.

But it’s a little too late as her conscience makes a grab. With a yelp Sabrina flees the circle of light, her lumbering conscience hard on her heals. She runs around the Council Chamber yelling at her conscience to stop but can’t escape, as she passes her aunts who are watching unconcerned.

Sabrina- Hey, I confessed! I confessed! Why can’t my conscience speak English?

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. The next day. Sabrina and Valerie walk down the Hallway and round the corner.

Sabrina- So how did your date go with Kirk? Do I get to be maid of honour?

Valerie- Not Yet. I mean Kirk’s really cute and he’s totally popular, which by association would make me slightly more popular but he only talks about engines.

They come to a stop in the hallway

Valerie- (Cont.) Could it be I’m not so shallow after all?

Sabrina- Let's hope it’s just a phase.

Valerie- Let's.

Valerie leaves as Mr. Kraft walks by Sabrina writing something in his ever-present note pad,

Mr. Kraft- There’s something very, very strange about you and your entire family and I’m going to keep my eye on you.

He leaves as Harvey comes out of a classroom behind Sabrina.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina! You wanna go to The Slicery after school today.

Sabrina- I’d love to but I can’t. I’m grounded.

Ext. The Spellman’s back garden. Hilda’s trimming the roses, Zelda’s doing a touch of weeding. Salem’s found a sunny patch on the lawn and is having a serious rest. Beside him on the lawn is a head. it’s Sabrina’s and it is still attached to the rest of her, only the rest of her is buried under the lawn. These witches do tend to take thing a tad literally. She hadn’t banked on this when they told her she was grounded.

Salem- (To Sabrina) Don’t move. (As if..) I’ve got a perfect shot at the Oriole

Zelda- I hope you’ve learned your lesson.

Sabrina- If I say I have will you dig me up?

There’s the sound of thunder approaching.

Hilda- Oh it’s raining. We should go in.

Salem- I’m outa here.

The rain from the Summer shower comes down heavy as Zelda, Hilda and Salem head for the house. Sabrina’s left helplessly out in the rain.

Sabrina- (Calling after) What about me?

Zelda isn’t completely heartless and she leaves a parting gift for Sabrina. A red, white and blue garden umbrella stuck into the ground beside the buried teenager.

Sabrina- Thanks, exactly what I need. A lightning rod.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem is arguing with Cupid.

Cupid- I’m sorry, you can’t pay me in anchovies.

Salem- And you won’t take a cheque?.

Roll credits

Cupid- Look, I have to be honest with you. It’s more than that, it’s against my principles.

Salem- Is it because I’m a cat and she’s a woman?

Cupid- No it’s because you're a cat and she’s Sherry Lewis.

Salem- But I could make her so happy. Besides she’s gotta be tired of that whiny lamb. Not even a lamb, it’s a sock!

Cupid- You sicken me.

Cupid gets up to leave.

Salem- Get a real job... and some pants.